April's Real Blog

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Triple-Shot Grande Latte and Little Pills

First I go to Starbucks with the Beckster and order the triple-shot grande latte. I was up so late last night IM'ing boys with cute-sounding profiles, so I needed a pick-me-up. Then Beck gives me a little pill and says it's this herbal, natural vitamin thing that'll give me energy and help me eat less. An' she's all lookin' at my butt when she says "eat less". Is my butt starting to look like my Mom's? So I take the pill and next thing I know, I'm buzzing like crazy, my eyes are almost poppin' outta my head, and I'm all fascinated by this st00pid hummingbird. I don't even know what I just said to Mom, but I hope she doesn't suspect I'm chemically enhanced.

Don't you think I totally need a cell phone now that I'm gonna be in high school? I don't wanna be the only one who doesn't get to have one, and it's the perfect grad gift! And I'd look so kewl with one, sorta like this:

So if you see my 'rents tell 'em "April needs a phone".

Edited to add:

Ma just reminded me that I got a cell phone for Christmas. But that phone is sooooo six months ago! I obviously need an upgrade!

So when I say here and in the comments that I don't have a phone, I mean I don't have an acceptable phone.


  • At 9:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh my God! You STILL don't have a cell phone? You are SO out of it! Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with a dork like you. If you don't get kewler soon, I will have to ditch you. I can't be seen with a fooby friend in high school. No offense, but I have a rep to maintain, you know?

    And I borrowed that pill from my mom's purse. I see her take them all the time after she goes out late to the bars. She told me they were vitamins. I didn't know, okay?!

    LYLAS! Becks

    --Q.N. Jones

  • At 12:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    Oh-mah-gah, Becks, you have no idea what it's like to live with my 'rents! D'ya think they care when I tell 'em it's social suicide not to have a phone yet? Mom's all, "We didn't have cell phones when I was your age and somehow I survived!" Just cuz she went to high school back when peeps were doin' cave paintings, I'm supposta suffer!

    An' hey, don' worry about the pill, actually your Mom's pills rock! I had so much energy, I reorganized my closet, my dad's collection of model-train instruction manuals, and the pets' vaccination records. Then I wrote ten songs. I'm feelin' a little sleepy now, though.

  • At 12:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Yeah, your parents are way lame. Remember that time I ate dinner over your house, an' your mom gave me a 20 minute lecture because I didn't want to eat my 'rots? Oh, an' I forgot to ask you this before, but how come everyone in your family is so obsessed with boiled 'rots?

    I guess I'll stick by you in high school. You're right, I spose it's not your fault your parents make you look like a foob. All the other girls hate me anyway, ever since I went roadside with Jeffo.

    I'll try to steal some more pills outta Mom's purse. It'll be easy. When she comes home from the bars, she passes out on the couch an' sleeps til noon the next day. She won't notice if I snag a couple.

    LYLAS forever! Becks

    --Q.N. Jones

  • At 1:17 PM, Anonymous S...h...a...n...n...o...n... said…

    I ... think drugs ... are ... bad ... please don't use ... them ... April. Can you help me ... find my ... mom?


  • At 2:32 PM, Blogger Becky McGuire said…

    Hey, tard-o, get off this blog! Retarded dorks are so unkewl. You are bringing Ape down.

  • At 2:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    Becks, yer the best--thanks for havin' my back!

    I don't know what the deal is with my fam and the 'rots. Once I asked my mom about it, and she got all mad, like, "Oh, you're too good for boiled carrots, April Marian Patterson, who made my nose fat?" Back when Mike an' Dee first got married, she useta make all kindsa spicy foods she learned to make in Honduras. But then Mike would pout like a baby an' say he missed Mom's boiled 'rots.

    Chill, Shannon, they're just VITAMINS, like we learned about in home ec, right, Becks? They're good for me an' give me energy an' stuff. An' I think your mom's helpin' my mom boil veggies.

  • At 3:17 PM, Blogger Becky McGuire said…

    Oh, Apes, I'm like "so" proud of you! I was sure you were gonna come in here an' defend that tard Shannon an' tell me not to be mean to a short bus kid.

    I dunno, tho, about your mom's "nose." When my older sister had her baby, her nose grew, like, an inch! Then her boyfriend dumped her an' ran off with some "ho" (an', just so you know, a ho is way worse than a roadside gig). So maybe it is your fault! But it's still fooby of her to yell at you about it, 'cause you didn't ask to get born an' stuff.

    An' it turns out they aren't vitamins at all. They say "Oby-Cap" on them. So I asked my sis an' she says they're diet pills an' they're just like CRYSTAL METH!!! So awesome. I stole Mom's whole stash. I am gonna be way popular an' stuff when the seniors see I have a whole sack full of 'em!!!

    LYLAS, Becks.

    P.S.--My mom doesn't know anything about boiling any veggies. Her idea of cooking a gourmet meal is to pop a Lean Cuising in the microwave.

  • At 4:12 PM, Blogger Becky McGuire said…

    Since when do you have a phone? Oh, right, your "Ma" doesn't let you bring it to school! I forgot.

    You definitely need an upgrade. It's not even a flip phone!

  • At 8:30 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    My mom, the phone fascist! Would you believe that she'd make me give me my phone every morning before I went to school? Then I could only have it back at the end of the day, an' if I was working in the store, I couldn' have it back till we went home.

    And to make things worse, she totally got that thing on closeout, so it was already oldstuff by the time I got it!

  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Gerald said…

    dude, teh girl in ur pict is holding a vibrator--not a phone!

  • At 1:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    Aw, Gerald, you say the funniest things! You're a total hot-fudge sundae!


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