Mike tries 2 ignore his kids

Mike has another story abt his Patterson home life 4 U all:

April,

Formerly little sis. You know from the times we spent reminiscing during the past weeks, I remembered that dad used to be able to escape from the troubles of parenting, by simply taking a newspaper and sitting down to read it. There was a certain respect I had and Lizzie had for dad when he was in that mode that said, “Don’t mess with me, I’m reading about important things.” So, I decided, in honour of my father, I would try the same method of attaining peace and tranquility.

I know what you’re thinking. My kids have never seen me read a paper before, and they won’t know how to react. I would like to think my children are made of sterner stuff than that, and as Pattersons, they would recognize that newspaperial importance.

Unfortunately, you were correct. The minute I picked up the paper to head for a reading spot, my daughter approached me and said, “Dad! Robin’s got the Galaxy Game an’ I want it!” Behind me, my son said, “I got it first!!!” I gave my daughter the patented Patterson parental grimace, and I thought to myself, “Is this the time to give the lecture about proper passive aggression?” My daughter’s statement of “I want it!” was far too straightforward and easy to understand for a Patterson.

Instead I opted to give a lecture on how to use a timer. I put the Galaxy game under my arm and as I turned the timer I said, “You can both play the Galaxy Game. I’ll put the timer on for 20 minutes. When the bell rings, Robin, you will give the game to Meredith.” My son said, “Awww?” while I could see the gears turning in my daughter’s head about how she was going to wreck that scheme. I was thinking she would adjust the time on timer when my son wasn’t looking, but she instead opted for a more open scheme of annoyance. That works too, but it is not subtle enough for my tastes.

Soon thereafter, as the timer was “Tick Tock”ing away, I heard my son yelling, “Stop it!...I SAID STOP IT!!” and my daughter saying, “Stop what? I’m not doing anything.” I was sitting in my chair attempting to achieve the inner peace my father achieved when he read the newspaper, but my mind was whirling with other things like, “I hope my daughter is not using any kind of bodily excretions to annoy her brother.” Within a few moments, my son called out “DADD…EEEEEE” to get my attention. I can tell you right now, formerly little sis, I felt like a parental failure. How had my dad been able to ignore his children and continue to read the paper all during the years I was growing up? The man was a marvel. To find out, I know I would need to ask him how he did it, except that involves talking to him and you know how that it is these days. “Trains. Trains. Trains.”

So, it was with a certain degree of fear and trepidation I approached my son to see how it was that my daughter was annoying him. I gave him the eyeless look accompanied by an underbite, which usually scares the children into confession and causes them to ask questions about jaw flexibility. My son said, showing a respectful amount of fright and protecting himself with his Teddy bear, “Merediff was SEEING at me!!!” My daughter had her hands up in the standard Patterson splayed hand denial.

I said, “Daughter. I thought you were done with wetting your pants.” My daughter said, “Huh?” My son said, “No, Daddy. SEEING not peeing.” I said, “What does that mean?” He said, “She was looking at me and she wouldn’t stop looking at me.” I said, “Son. You are a Patterson male. It is a right and natural thing that your sister should worship and adore you. She’s going to look at you a lot out of sheer admiration for your Patterson maleness. The technical term is Patterson Envy. It is just something you are going to have to live with, and be thankful you only have one sister, since I have your Auntie Liz and Auntie April staring at me all the time.” My children said, “They do?” I said, “Indeed they do. So son, having your sister ‘see’ at you, is simply something you will have to live with.”

Then I went back to my paper until the next disaster occurred. Was it nearly burning down the house with the stove fire, or was it my daughter taking a vegetable peeler to school and getting into a fight with it? I don’t know. I’ll talk about it tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I think U 4got 1 v. v. important detail abt when Dad useta read the paper and ignore U an' Liz when U were little. MOM. Mom was a stay-at-home-mom and was always THERE when Dad w/drew in2 his reading-the-paper/ignoring-the-world mode. If U and Liz had a dispute like the one U describe w/Merrie and Robin, it wd have been MOM dealing w/it and Dad pretending he didn't notice NEthing was happening. The justification @ the time was that Dad had been working @ his dental practice all day and needed 2 rest. Since Dee works the whole day @ the pharmacy, then by Dad's logic, SHE wd B justified in coming home, sitting in a comfy seat, and reading the paper while U dealt w/the chaos. But sumhow, I M guessing we R not abt 2 find out that this is what happens these dayz @ the Pattermanse.

Apes

P.S. And the only time I ever stare @ U is in disbelief. And I don't mean that as a compliment.