April's Real Blog

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Mike tries 2 ignore his kids

Mike has another story abt his Patterson home life 4 U all:
April,

Formerly little sis. You know from the times we spent reminiscing during the past weeks, I remembered that dad used to be able to escape from the troubles of parenting, by simply taking a newspaper and sitting down to read it. There was a certain respect I had and Lizzie had for dad when he was in that mode that said, “Don’t mess with me, I’m reading about important things.” So, I decided, in honour of my father, I would try the same method of attaining peace and tranquility.

I know what you’re thinking. My kids have never seen me read a paper before, and they won’t know how to react. I would like to think my children are made of sterner stuff than that, and as Pattersons, they would recognize that newspaperial importance.

Unfortunately, you were correct. The minute I picked up the paper to head for a reading spot, my daughter approached me and said, “Dad! Robin’s got the Galaxy Game an’ I want it!” Behind me, my son said, “I got it first!!!” I gave my daughter the patented Patterson parental grimace, and I thought to myself, “Is this the time to give the lecture about proper passive aggression?” My daughter’s statement of “I want it!” was far too straightforward and easy to understand for a Patterson.

Instead I opted to give a lecture on how to use a timer. I put the Galaxy game under my arm and as I turned the timer I said, “You can both play the Galaxy Game. I’ll put the timer on for 20 minutes. When the bell rings, Robin, you will give the game to Meredith.” My son said, “Awww?” while I could see the gears turning in my daughter’s head about how she was going to wreck that scheme. I was thinking she would adjust the time on timer when my son wasn’t looking, but she instead opted for a more open scheme of annoyance. That works too, but it is not subtle enough for my tastes.

Soon thereafter, as the timer was “Tick Tock”ing away, I heard my son yelling, “Stop it!...I SAID STOP IT!!” and my daughter saying, “Stop what? I’m not doing anything.” I was sitting in my chair attempting to achieve the inner peace my father achieved when he read the newspaper, but my mind was whirling with other things like, “I hope my daughter is not using any kind of bodily excretions to annoy her brother.” Within a few moments, my son called out “DADD…EEEEEE” to get my attention. I can tell you right now, formerly little sis, I felt like a parental failure. How had my dad been able to ignore his children and continue to read the paper all during the years I was growing up? The man was a marvel. To find out, I know I would need to ask him how he did it, except that involves talking to him and you know how that it is these days. “Trains. Trains. Trains.”

So, it was with a certain degree of fear and trepidation I approached my son to see how it was that my daughter was annoying him. I gave him the eyeless look accompanied by an underbite, which usually scares the children into confession and causes them to ask questions about jaw flexibility. My son said, showing a respectful amount of fright and protecting himself with his Teddy bear, “Merediff was SEEING at me!!!” My daughter had her hands up in the standard Patterson splayed hand denial.

I said, “Daughter. I thought you were done with wetting your pants.” My daughter said, “Huh?” My son said, “No, Daddy. SEEING not peeing.” I said, “What does that mean?” He said, “She was looking at me and she wouldn’t stop looking at me.” I said, “Son. You are a Patterson male. It is a right and natural thing that your sister should worship and adore you. She’s going to look at you a lot out of sheer admiration for your Patterson maleness. The technical term is Patterson Envy. It is just something you are going to have to live with, and be thankful you only have one sister, since I have your Auntie Liz and Auntie April staring at me all the time.” My children said, “They do?” I said, “Indeed they do. So son, having your sister ‘see’ at you, is simply something you will have to live with.”

Then I went back to my paper until the next disaster occurred. Was it nearly burning down the house with the stove fire, or was it my daughter taking a vegetable peeler to school and getting into a fight with it? I don’t know. I’ll talk about it tomorrow.

Love,
Michael Patterson
Mike, I think U 4got 1 v. v. important detail abt when Dad useta read the paper and ignore U an' Liz when U were little. MOM. Mom was a stay-at-home-mom and was always THERE when Dad w/drew in2 his reading-the-paper/ignoring-the-world mode. If U and Liz had a dispute like the one U describe w/Merrie and Robin, it wd have been MOM dealing w/it and Dad pretending he didn't notice NEthing was happening. The justification @ the time was that Dad had been working @ his dental practice all day and needed 2 rest. Since Dee works the whole day @ the pharmacy, then by Dad's logic, SHE wd B justified in coming home, sitting in a comfy seat, and reading the paper while U dealt w/the chaos. But sumhow, I M guessing we R not abt 2 find out that this is what happens these dayz @ the Pattermanse.

Apes

P.S. And the only time I ever stare @ U is in disbelief. And I don't mean that as a compliment.

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8 Comments:

  • At 7:40 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    He is pretty hard to believe, isn't he? And not in a good way. He should have remembered all the times he went through this with Liz. If he can't quite do that, he should at least talk to your mom about it. She'd be more than happy to remind him.

     
  • At 8:07 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, notice how i had 2 say "i don't mean that as a compliment" and u had 2 say "not in a good way." else oblivious-mike wda been all, "oh, thank u, obviously the staring and disbelief r cuz i m soooo super-awesome!" knowing mike, he'll find a way 2 twist things around so he can keep telling himself that kind of thing neway.

    apes

     
  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    Why, of course he will. I'd say that since I told him to connect with his bottom-heavy muse, he'd thank me for the opportunity to be told it's all your dad's fault.

     
  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. You think I have forgotten mom? What an odd thing for you to say.

    You were not around in the early days with me and Liz, and so I think you have somehow gotten the impression that people could do anything around mom, when she was dealing with a dispute between me and Elizabeth. I would have thought that you, of all people, would know that when mom unhinges her jaw and starts shouting, the decibel level is so high, you can’t think straight and you certainly cannot read a newspaper. My memories of dad reading the newspaper were never during times when mom was yelling at the Lizardbreath and/or me.

    As for your intimation that my lovely wife Deanna plans to start reading the newspaper, I am afraid you are once again wrong. Deanna has been developing an interest in sewing for some reason.

    As for your insult, saying that the only time you stare at me is in disbelief, I must say I am very disappointed. After all this time together have you learned nothing? Perhaps you have been spending too much time talking to the Amazon River catfish and tried catfishing for things to say in his/her section of the world. Let me remind you that if a Patterson is going to insult someone, then it must be done with style, with flair, with a sense of humour, and most of all, with a pun. Otherwise, you are just like everyone else (or catfish) in the world hurling crude insults, without any intelligence behind them at all. Vulgar insults are not the Patterson way.

    Let’s take your insult “The only time I ever stare at you is in disbelief.” Disbelief is the state of not believing, so the only time you stare at me is when you are in a state where you do not believe things. As an angst-ridden teenager, that is probably 99% of the time, and believe me, I have noticed.

    However, for it to work as an insult, you would have to convince your listener that there is something about me, which causes you to enter this state, when other people do not. You have suggested the idea that I am super-awesome, which is nice of you, but still not a pun.

    Well, formerly little sis, one of the greatest assets of punning is the prefix “dis”, which can easily be transformed by a slight mispronunciation into “this”. As in “this belief of mine is disbelief of you.” You see how it works?

    Now, let’s not be crude dude anymore, eh? Be a Patterson, and pun with pride.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 3:38 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i thot u told me u stared @ur bro wenevah he looked like ur sis & u hadda look @him close 2 make sure he wuzn’t ur sis. or is that wut u mean by “disbelief”?

     
  • At 3:47 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    In my paper (the Star) was the mysterious message at the top of the back page in the headline area which said:

    IW LAURA 6°NT

    I have been trying to figure it out, but I don’t have a clue. Any ideas?

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 7:19 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    michael, there is a flaw in yr reasoning. I HATE PUNS!

    jeremy, that wd b one reason, yeah.

    howard, that IS weird. i know there r lots of lauras, but what if it were sumthing abt my cousin laura? and, um, the northwest territories? hm.

    apes

     
  • At 1:47 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. I remember when my sister and I would get into arguments and we rarely had the opportunity to just talk it out. Mom would intervene with some screaming, and whatever method we could have developed through the pure joy of conversation didn’t have a chance to work. I figured I could just stand there or sit there, giving disapproving looks and my children would eventually come to a logical conclusion about whatever it is that they were arguing.

    My fatal mistake as it turned out was the assumption that there was a logical conclusion. You may recollect from my writing yesterday, my son had stated that “Merediff was SEEING at me!!!”

    My daughter’s counter argument was, “Daddy, Robin’s being a baby!” This argument may work well on the 5-year-old set, but for me I really needed to hear how she wasn’t “seeing” at my son. My son, however, caught on to the illogic of her argument and restated his point. He said, “AM NOT! She was seeing at me!!!” he pointed a finger toward my daughter, and she very cleverly chose that moment to have no eyes. Well, that did confuse the matter. After all, how can she be “seeing” at my son, if she has no eyes? I gave them both my Alice the Goon , slow burn.

    Well, my daughter’s eyes suddenly sprang back into her head and they were open very wide, not unlike your speed freak eyes you occasionally get. My son pointed out, “Look! She’s doing it AGAIN! She was SEEING at me!!!” This was a clever move on the part of my son, because now he had definite proof of his claim in addition to a visual definition of what “seeing at me” means. His case was very strong, despite the fact, to illustrate his point, he was pointing at his chin.

    My daughter countered with “Duhh!! Can’t I LOOK at anybody? All I did was LOOK at him!” and the patented Patterson splayed hand to the chest. This is a good counterargument. Instead of denying my son’s definition of the phrase, “seeing at me”, my daughter indicated that she had another, more common, definition for what she was doing, i.e. “Look”. She was using one of her advantages of age, which is to know the words for things.

    I decided to sit on the chesterfield to reason this one out. While I was sitting there, I decided to try my own version of “seeing at” my son, to see if he noticed. He didn’t. He was concentrating on his sister and imitating her eye movement. He said, “I was playin’ an’ she was doin’ THIS wif her EYES!-- She was SEEING!!!” Well, I had already gotten the subtle difference, since I had actually seen her do it a few seconds before. And I was a little distracted that my son could say the “th” of “this”, but couldn’t say the “th” of Meredith. Despite this demonstration, my son felt the need to emphasize the point and said, “SEE?!! as if he wanted corroboration that I had seen him do the eye motion.

    But then I realized he had actually used a double-entendre, because his final “See?!!” could be taken as a question as to whether I witnessed his demonstration or a question as to whether I understood what he was trying to say. Wordplay from my son brought tears to my eyes, which I couldn’t let my children see, so I slapped my hand up to my eyes to hide my tears, and also to get in another good grimace. You can’t grimace enough when it comes to kids.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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