April's Real Blog

Thursday, January 31, 2008

More evidence that the dysfunction goes way back

Stoopid reminiscing. H8 it. NEway, Mike has the next bit 2 share w/U since he has way more patience 4 that stuff than I do:

April,

Formerly little sis. Dad may have not been a good dishwasher back in the old days of 1979, but he was a quick observer of the human condition. I remember on one occasion where mom was complaining that he didn’t appreciate what she did around the house, and he presented a cogent argument.

First of all, he told mom that he did appreciate what she did around the house. Mom gave him an unusual reaction even for those days by causing her eyes to go crooked on her head, her mouth to go lopsided on her face, and one of her breasts to disappear (I don’t want to think about that last one too long).

Then I remember dad telling us that he was glad he came home to a clean house, good food, well-managed finances & happy kids… He usually said this to Elizabeth and me while he demonstrated his ability to stack and balance our building blocks together in so precarious a method, I wonder even to this day, why the thing didn’t topple. Of course, he was just saying this for our benefit, because mom was almost always in another room when he said it. When I wasn’t in school, I was in the house and I knew better. The house was seldom clean, the food was…well, formerly little sis, let’s just say I really liked the good old days when we used to have Kraft dinner and sandwiches every night. Mom would make up a big batch of Kraft Dinner family size and put it in a giant bowl on the table alongside her tea pot, and we would wolf down our food, eating it in our typical, slobbering Patterson style. Those were good times!

Deep down inside, dad knew that with the quality of the dinner, and the dirtiness of the house, mom was doing other things, which later on he discovered was job-hunting. But it was a difficult topic to broach. Dad would just say something like, “But I admit that I find it hard to see how the house & kids can occupy your every waking minute.” I think he said this with the hope that mom would talk to him about what she was doing. He would say, “What Do you do all day, Elly?” This never worked. Mom would rather go face first into a plate of Kraft dinner than answer that question, and she often did. She did it often enough, if I were sitting across the table from her, I would just roll my eyes and think, “Not Again.”

Sometimes it was hard to talk to mom back then, but I think my dad did it especially well. I emulate his style with my lovely wife Deanna, and I cannot help but think that it has been one of the reasons our marriage has been such a success.

Love,

Michael Patterson

Hey, I just thought of something. NE1 think that mayB the purpose of all these stultifying, soul-crushing flash backs is 2 cure ppl of their nostalgia? Think abt it. This all has been showing the past really sucked, doncha think?

Apes

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21 Comments:

  • At 8:57 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, if ur sayin' the past of ur fam b4 u came along sucked, i wud agree. i've met ur sis & ur bro & ur way bettah. az 4 my past, it rilly did suck & i don't think ne1 wud argue w/me 'bout especially mom havin' 2 raise me by herself.

     
  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Well, your parents seems to have spent a lot of time talking about the division of labour and what your mother did or did not do during the course of her day, during the early years of their marriage and even during social parties. My wife Beatrice, our girls and I had a conversation last night about Argentinean folk dancing, after we saw a programme about it on the television. That is far more interesting to me.

    As I have stated before, your parents don’t sound like very exciting conversationalists. I would like to say they have improved over the years, but it seems like they are talking about the same thing, even in 2008. I can’t say the past is for better or worse than the present between your mom and your dad, at least as far as what they talk about.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    That is correct. A lot of stupid people think that the past was a Paradise from which they fell. When you consider that your dad was a more insenstive clod thirty years ago than the jackass who told you he was just spitballing about buying the Tiny Train House after the deal had been finalized, you realize that the old days sucked.

     
  • At 9:16 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i like 2 say that nostalgia isn't as good as it used 2 b. when mom hears me say this, she usually gives me a blank look. come 2 think of it, so do dad, mike, and liz.

    apes

     
  • At 12:50 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Considering that nostalgia means “longing for something past”, to say it isn’t as good as it used to be sounds a little odd. It is like you are saying that in the old days, when I used to long for the old days, that particular longing is not as good as the new days, when I long for the old days. I would think that longing for the old days would be a relatively consistent thing. It’s no wonder you get blank looks from your family.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 12:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Michael,

    I understand what April means. Back when she used to long for the old days, she didn’t have a good idea what the old days were really like. But since your family seems to go into accurately-detailed stories of your past every other month, so April can see what exactly what happened in those old days, then it’s made her and anyone reading her Blog to lose interest in those old days. I count me in those numbers. After all, there are only so many times I can be told your dad didn’t do the dishes back in 1979 before I don’t need to hear it anymore.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 12:54 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Howard,

    Red-head miscreant who should be in prison. There is much more to the old days of the Pattersons than dad not doing dishes. There is mom complaining about doing the dishes, or Connie Poirier acting like a slut, or my adorable behaviour, or Lizzie's bad breath. The past is a rich tapestry for the Pattersons. I can’t imagine anyone of reasonable intelligence, who wouldn’t be interested, particularly when you talk about 1979-80, when most people were unaware of us and didn’t get to experience it firsthand. To those people, our past is like new material, just the same as following our lives here in the modern day. There will be no loss of interest, just because things happened back in 1979.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 12:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Michael,

    Long-haired fop, who nearly ruined Portrait Magazine. You have to be kidding. April has been trying to cover your history since your family decided to go into its history back in September, and she’s so bored with it, she doesn’t want to put it in her Blog anymore and she’s your sister. If your sister is bored with continual stories about how you were a rotten kid and your mother’s poor parenting skills and your dad’s poor husbanding skills; then imagine how bored anyone reading her Blog must be. It’s like reading Cathy Andrews’s Blog where she goes AACK every day.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous cathy andrews said…

    Howard,

    Hey! I do not go AACK every single day. Up yours, Howard!

    Love,
    Cathy Andrews

     
  • At 12:57 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Howard,

    Clown-haired criminal, who should be incarcerated. You are so far from the truth. For one thing, my mom is a wonderful mother and she puts the “grand” in grandmother. My father is vastly improved in his husband skills. I am sure my mother would agree with that, in the moments when she is not criticizing him. You certainly cannot take April’s reaction to her family as the typical one. She’s a teenager and is bored easily. The best reaction to get is from old people who have been following our lives for decades and think they we have cameras in their house. They love these old stories.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 12:59 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Michael,

    Criminally bad writer. Of the persons who read April’s Real Blog, the number of people who have that level of interest in your family are going to follow whatever stories come out of your family. They would buy a book talking about your future. They would buy a book talking about your old family dog, if it were put into a children’s book. However, for these people, they already know every detail about your past, and these stories about your past are not new to them. They would be new to the people who only have casual interest in your past, and those people are bored. Bored out of their minds, just like your sister.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 1:01 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    Howard,

    Redheaded rapscallion. People with only a casual interest in the Patterson family past? What are these? Certainly no one living in Milborough. Now, people who are uninterested in your past, are totally believable. I am a Patterson and I can assure you that there is no one losing interest in me or my family.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:02 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Michael,

    Sorry. What were you saying there? I think I dozed off while I was reading it.

    Love,
    Howard Bunt

     
  • At 1:55 PM, Anonymous Old Person Who has Followed the Pattersons' Lives for Decades said…

    Michael Patterson,

    You are so wrong. I am bored to tears. I have called a security expert to sweep my home for hidden cameras. I am done with you Pattersons!

    Old Person Who has Followed the Pattersons' Lives for Decades

     
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  • At 5:22 PM, Anonymous liz patterson said…

    April,

    I am so upset, there is so much housework to do between taking care of Anthony's house and Frenchy and also my apartment, that I had to take a sick day today so that I could press all of Anthony's short-sleeved dress shirts AND buy him some new pocket protectors, the good ones from Quality Products Corp., which is all the way in the city, and then I had to do the rest of the laundry and change Frenchy's bedsheets (she's been doing #1 AND #2 in the bed to punish me) and make him breakfast and dinner and clean up after that, plus the vacuuming, plus the grocery shopping, plus deliver and picking Frenchy up from that advanced physics camp she goes to, well when Anthony came home at 5 pm he wanted me to give him some "hand time" which is what he calls that horrible pervo thing he likes to do now we are pre-engaged, and I said no, I was too tired from all his housework, and he was like, "What did you do that was so tiring, I don't get it," and then POOF! Mom suddenly appeared and told me I had two tools to solve this problem, I can either ROAR, or throw a coffee cup at him, I said, "Why don't I just tell him he is a jerk who needs to fix his attitude?" and Mom said, "But you want to get married to him, don't you?" and I said, "Yes, but why would he marry someone who roars and throws coffee cups?" and Mom said, "Tradition. What Anthony wants most is to be a Patterson.", and I said, "True," so I threw a coffee cup at him, but I didn't throw it hard enough and it just hit him on the back of the knee, and Mom said, "Keep practicing," so now I have to take another sick day and drive into the city tomorrow to go to this place called "Marital Spats n' More" where I can get cheap coffee mugs by the gross.

    Liz

     
  • At 7:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i don't want 2 alarm u, but there is a rumour going around. definitely a rumour, so i can't vouch. but what i heard is ppl think the witch will keep putting off yr getting married, over and over, 4ever, cuz she thinks that u getting married is the only thing that's keeping peeps interested in our fam.

    considering how anthony is treating u, mayB u shd escape. think abt it, u cd move 2 another town, get a teaching job, and meet a man who treats u well!

    apes

     
  • At 7:56 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. You just advised our sister, Elizabeth, to move to another town, get a teaching job, and meet a man who treats her well. What are you thinking? Have you gone mad?!! Elizabeth narrowly escaped from exactly that kind of horrific situation just a few years ago. Cheeze, April. We are trying to make forward progress with Elizabeth, not step backward to her “rugged, outdoorswoman” ages.

    Try to remember the only reason why Anthony and Elizabeth are together right now, is because Dad made arrangements with that Julia girl to harangue and harass Anthony until he agreed to ask Elizabeth to dance at that wedding. I am sure that if we keep up the pressure, he may eventually develop enough confidence to propose. We definitely don’t need Elizabeth to back down now. Otherwise, Anthony may run off and marry some other woman from some other culture to make babies together and we may go on with things for years, before Liz and Anthony finally get married.

    If you think about this carefully, you will realize that what you want, what I want, what mom wants, and really what everyone in Milborough wants along with possibly the rest of the world, is for Anthony and Elizabeth to get married and have a nice wedding, and put an end to all this nonsense. I don’t think anyone will be able to rest easily until that day occurs.

    So, watch what you say to Elizabeth. Don’t give her any more ill-considered suggestions.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 8:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, the only reason liz's living in another town and b-ing w/another guy ended badly is cuz she left that town and that guy once she heard abt anthony and thérèse divorcing. she told every1 she was homesick, but based on how she avoided us all when she got here, we know that's not true. if she'd stayed up there, she'd b mrs. wright by now!

    and what if it's true that anthony is never gonna propose, cuz the witch wants 2 hold on2 ppl's interest the only way she can think of? do u really want liz 2 b in this limbo st8 anthony's got her in now? can't u c how unhappy she is?

    apes

     
  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Sorry you think he was so wonderful, but I seem to recollect that constable guy cheated on Elizabeth. You may think that Elizabeth would have married that guy, if she had not moved back; but if you are even the slightest bit familiar with Elizabeth’s history with men, you would realize that eventually that guy would be cheating on her, and she was much better off being in Milborough when it happened, where she could be comforted by mom and Anthony Caine. After all, Anthony was the only guy Elizabeth dated who was decent enough to break up with her before he went off with another woman.

    As for Anthony and his proposing, I know it’s going to happen eventually. We have to be patient and remember that Anthony is a little slow about these things. After all, Elizabeth had moved back to Milborough for over a year and Anthony was too slow to even ask her out for a date in that whole time. A marriage proposal is a little tougher than that, and we have to let things flow naturally for him. And if that doesn’t work, Gordon Mayes says he knows a few guys who can make it happen and seem like an accident.

    Now, if it takes a little bit for it to happen, it is still better that Elizabeth is with a childhood sweetheart than some guy who is going to be nice to her. Really nice guys always end up cheating on Elizabeth. You may think Elizabeth is unhappy now, but just imagine if she were married to some guy who wasn’t her childhood sweetheart. That would be even worse. She could be married to him for years and not realize he was cheating on her, and then when she found out, it would be terrible. You don’t want that to happen, do you? I’m sure you don’t.

    Just do like I do, April. When Elizabeth asks if she is doing the right thing by staying with Anthony, you give her a definite “yes”. Then when you see Anthony in the street, you yell at him, “Propose to my sister, you @#$%!”
    That’s my advice.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 2:10 AM, Anonymous michael patterson said…

    April,

    Formerly little sis. Do you remember a few weeks ago when mom decided to remember a story from 1979 involving her sewing machine and an ornamented box of sewing supplies which was taller than it was wider? Well, there were moments in my youth, when mom would decide that having a sewing machine and a tall sewing supply box was too impersonal and too easy for her. So she would take her short sewing supply box and try sewing by hand.

    To make sure Elizabeth didn’t get into any trouble she would strap her into one of those old “baby bungee jumpers in the doorways” devices which I remember was supposedly to encourage babies to bounce. I wanted one of those for my children like Elizabeth had when she was growing up, but my wife Deanna was all about safety or some crazy thing like that. I swear that Lizzie only snapped out of those thing maybe 4 or 5 times when she was growing up and she would cry a bit when her head hit the floor; but that’s just a part of growing up I think. So, it is one area where my children do not get to exactly imitate my life growing up; but that is a sacrifice you make when the times change and the things which were perfectly safe for you are thought to be dangerous to others.

    One of the things I loved when Lizzie was all bungeed up, was her propensity for making noises and spitting, especially the spitting. So, I would sit beside her on the floor, with my tongue lolling out of my mouth, like old Farley used to do, and we would just make big puddles of drool. Lizzie would say, “Blfff Gooooo Kttl Gllaaaa Blk OO” and I would say, “Blaaa Blaaa Dooo Dooo- Say Blaaa, ‘lizabeth! Blaaa Blaaa” The spit was flying everywhere and we had a great old time.

    Mom however, jumped up from her sewing at every opportunity because, as you know April, mom likes to suffer, but she really doesn’t like to suffer while she’s suffering. The phone would ring and she would be up in a shot to get it.

    We had one of those old rotary phones with the cord attached. You know the ones where, when you put down the receiver of the phone, it would depress these little buttons on the top, to disconnect the phone. Well, at some point, those little buttons on the phone disappeared, so I am not really sure how the phone ever got disconnected. I will have to ask mom about that sometime, although I expect it is a waste of time to do so, because she will just say what she always says when I ask her questions about that time --- “Michael. Things just weren’t as detailed then as they are now!”

    Well, mom loved it when the phone rang. She would run to it every time. Sometimes it would be Annie Nichols from next door. Or sometimes it would be a wrong number or a salesman. It really didn’t matter. Mom always said the same thing every time she picked up the phone, “Thank God!—A grownup!” Then she would get a delirious look on her face and she would often talk on the phone so long, it would send up a series of sparks out of the top.

    I didn’t really pay that much attention to mom on the phone. Lizzie and I would just keep going “Blaaaa Pfft Gooo Googl Dooo Blaa” and let the spit fly. If things went really well, mom would have a really long phone call and we would have a couple of good pools of drool on the floor.

    I know I have diverted from our prior conversational topic about how dad doesn’t do dishes, with these old story recollections; but as you know, I don’t think we have kept on topic for any of these recollections so far. Besides, who’s keeping up with it, anyway?

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     

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