Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.

Apes

The wishes he had the whole time he was married 2 Thérèse

So, after the officiant took Liz and her Antman thru the standard vows, he was all, "Anthony Caine and Elizabeth Patterson... I now pronounce U husband and wife. U may kiss the bride!" Mom and Dad had, 4 sum reason, stood up 2gether and watched the vows from the middle of the aisle, so they cd B, like, parallel 2 the wedding couple. It was weird. Then, they went in2 silhouette as they watched the kiss. Then, Anthony told Liz, I'm the happiest guy on the plant! And Liz went, "One more kiss and make a wish!" Poor Liz, she thinks she has 2 create special reasons if she wants more than the prescribed amt of kissing. And Anthony was like, "I don't have 2 make a wish, Liz..." Then he went 4 another kiss while saying, "2day, they've all come true."

Hm, I can almost imagine it now. "Francie, when Daddy asked your birth-Mommy to marry him, he wished she were Elizabeth! When the minister pronounced them husband and wife, Daddy wished he were pronouncing Daddy and Elizabeth husband and wife. When your birth-Mommy gave birth to you, Daddy wished Elizabeth could be yr Mommy! Now all of Daddy's wishes have come true!"

Apes

Holding on tight

Well, the day is here. This will B my last premonition B4 I can start telling U abt stuff that already happened. Tho U know it'll take me prolly all of next wk 2 tell U the rest abt 2day.

Robin will B rite @ the front, as ring bearer, w/Francie and Merrie standing side-by-side behind him, all ready 2 do their flower-girls stuff. When the music starts, Robin will just stand there like a deer in headlights, so I'll hafta step out of line 2 go up 2 him, put a hand on his shoulder, and say, "U're the leader Robin. Go ahead, now... the music has started." The rest of the line-up behind us will be Dawn, then Shawna-Marie, then Candace, and finally Liz and Dad.

As Liz and Dad R starting down the aisle, Liz will B like, "This is it, Pop. We're on our way." And Dad will go, "Hold on tight." While Dee squints @ them from the bride's side of the seats, Liz will tell Dad, "Don't worry. I can do this. I'm totally calm." And Dad will B all, "I know... that's Y I want U 2 hold on tight!!" Yeah, whatever.

I was sure I'd wake up 2day being able 2 tell U abt Liz and Antman xxchanging their vows, but all I've got is this? Oh, well. Gotta get started. I guess Connie's prolly helping Mom get dressed rite abt now. And I hear Dad calling 4 me 2 help him w/his tux. Man, w/all those premonitions I've had, 2day is gonna B full of déjà vu 4 me!

Apes

A premonition for the Sunday people

I only got a coupla hrs of sleep after Liz's bachelorette party that went till dawn (not 2 b confused w/Dawn w/a capital "D"). But I still woke up knowing sum more deets on Liz's wedding day. But I kinda think these deets mite B sumwhat outta sequence and compressed, like they're a special assortment 4 the ppl who only get 2 hear abt us on Sundays.

So, like, I'm gonna tell Mom that Annie sez they'll B serving vegetarian nibbles w/dips on the side, and Mom will think, "Nibbles and dips?" I think this mite B a stupid reference 2 "kibbles and bits," but whatevs. Actually the nibbles and dips will B vegan (thanx 4 that lil concession 2 me, Annie), but I won't wanna confuse Mom more than she already is.

Dee will come up 2 Mom all, "Michael sez the musicians have arrived. ....When do U think they shd start?" Mira will say, "I have the flower girls dressed, but I can't find their baskets!" I'll say, "Aunt Georgia wants 2 know where 2 put all the gifts, Mom."

Dee will find a cuff link and ask Mom if it belongs w/one of the tuxes. I'll take a call from Anthony's mom and share that she wants sum1 2 take photos of the cake B4 it's cut. (That shd B a big "duh," cuz who doesn't do that automatically, but I guess she knows abt my fam and the Pattersnarfing.)

Robin will ask, "Who gets 2 go in the 1st limousine?" Merrie (holding the flower-girl basket that will have been found) will wanna know, "When do we get started?" Mira will ask, "Has NE1 seen the hair brush?"

Mom will sit @ the kitchen table and go all flabbergasty w/"::SIGH:: ...Elizabeth [LIZ!] and Anthony wanted a SIMPLE wedding, John. ....How did it turn in2 such a production?" Dad will put a hand on ea of Mom's shoulders and go, "I guess every1 wanted 2 B a part of it, El. Every1 wants it 2 B a wonderful, magical day." Then he'll lean down, hug her from behind, and go, "It's as simple as that." And mom will smile weakly.

Beatrice, sorry abt my sister being such a mean drunk @ her bachelorette party. I think she feels the need 2 reassure herself that she hasn't lost her "Patterson allure."

Apes

Gramps! :(

OMG! OK, so Jeremy and I just got back from Gramps and Iris's apt. Early this morning, I'd gotten a phone call from Iris, all "April, you and Jeremy have to get here rite away!" So we totally did, and guess what? Gramps talked 2 us, like he did B4 he had aphasia.

He was like, "April, U have 2 listen closely. I can talk 2 U now, but I know it's only temporary and I don't know how long this will last. I had a premonition about yr sister's wedding day." I started 2 tell him that I've been having those, 2, but he waved his hand 2 let him continue. He went, "April. This is important. And you must not try change what I'm abt 2 tell U. On yr sister's wedding day, I'm going 2 have a heart attack." I was like, "NOOOO!" And Gramps put up his hand 2 quiet me and sed, "Yes, April. Here is how yr mother will find out. Yr father will B saying, 'It's almost time 2 go, El. Every1's ready.' And yr mother will B on the phone w/yr Uncle Phil, who will B w/us @ hospital. Elly (not 'El,' fergawshsakes) will tell him, 'Just a minute, John... It's my brother. Phil! Say that again? Where R U?!!' And Phil will say, 'I'm @ the hospital. Dad's had another heart attack. He won't B coming 2 the wedding. Iris is going 2 stay w/him. Georgia and I will B rite there--and Elly? Don't tell Elizabeth. ...He doesn't want 2 spoil her day.'"

I sed, "No! Gramps, we have 2 stop this! U R more important than the stupid wedding, and plus the whole reason Liz was doing all this rush-rush stuff was so U cd B there. MayB if we take U 2 hospital now. MayB if we throw out all that bad heart-attack food Mom has brought U this wk and refuse NE more!" Gramps shook his head vigorously. "April, no! Please listen to my wishes. The aphasia is going 2 come back and I'm going 2 go back 2 being a prisoner in my failing body. And no one even brings me my picture book NEmore!" I was like "I'll get U a new one," but he shook his head. "Stop, April! Listen, I don't know yet whether that heart attack will kill me, but if it does, that is the way it's meant 2 B. I'm already past my sell-by date, sweetheart. And frankly, that dress Liz is so anxious 4 me 2 C her gett married in looks nothing like the gown my sweet Marian wore when she was a strapping young airforce veteran!"

I just started 2 cry, so Gramps started addressing Jeremy. "Make sure she doesn't try 2 stop this young man. April has 2 pretend she doesn't know this is happening, because if her parents don't tell Liz, they surely won't tell April. She HAS TO put a smile on her face and go thru w/everything that's supposed 2 happen on that day. Everything that she's already reported on her blog, and all the stuff that will unwind afterwards, as well. The show has 2 go on!" Then there was sum more stuff I didn't even get, cuz I started 2 cry so hard I was practically dry-heaving, and Iris took me 2 the washroom 2 splash sum water on my face, and calm me down. Jeremy mite B able 2 fill in sum deets on what I missed.

When I got back from the washroom, Gramps was going, "Boxcar! No!" I was like, "Aphasia is back?" And Gramps sadly went, "Yes. Boxcar." :(

Apes

Squicky premonition

Today, I woke up knowing another tidbit abt August 23 (Liz's wedding day), and now I wish I cd go back 2 bed and unknow it. Also, I think this is the same premonition Dreadedcandiru2 shared in a comment here this past Friday.

Now I know that Dad will come up 2 Liz (while still @ the TTH) and Liz will go, "What do U think, Dad?" And Dad will B all, "U're such a beauty, Elizabeth. I'm so proud of U." Then Weed will come up 2 them w/his camera and B like, "A portrait of the bride and her father B4 the wedding! Come in2 the lite, pls!" Then he will say, "...I want U 2 look @ each other and say sumthing wonderful... But say it w/yr eyes." So, Dad will give Liz one of those creepy sidelong glances Anthony's always giving her, while Liz will look up @ him (in profile 2 the camera) w/a schmoopy look on her face. And they will simulthink, "U're sumthing ...wonderful!!" They will both B thinking that b-cuz they're both so literal, and will not B able 2 avoid taking Weed's "say sumthing wonderful" as literally as they can.

Bleah. All this is still 11 days away, and already I'm so, so tired of it.

Apes

Oh, God, I'm Fated 2 Make a Lame Pun!

I woke up 2day knowing sum more abt what's gonna happen on Liz's wedding day, August 23. And now I wanna go back 2 bed until August 23, cuz I know I'm fated 2 make an awful, cringeworthy PUN.

I'll B helping Dad with his tux accessories, and he'll B grumping, "This was supposed 2 B a simple wedding! Y do I hafta wear a tux?" Yep, Dad will say, "hafta." And I'll say, "Family politics, 'Pop.'" Then I'll go, "Anthony's uncle owns the business! Here... Lemme get those cuff links," even though I'll aleady B putting a cuff link on when I start saying all that. Then Dad will whine, "I look like a CLOWN in this bowtie." And I'll notice his cummerbund is upside down, so I'll say, "U've got this thing upside down." As I'm fixing that, Dad'll B all, "How do U know which way it goes?" And I'll say.... Gah, I just want 2 stop rite there. I don't wanna have 2 tell U abt the PUN.

Ugh, well, U'll find out NEway. I'll tell Dad, "Well, the pleats open up--so if U drop stuff @ dinner, it falls in2 the cracks. That's Y it's called a crumberbund!" And Dad will glare @ me. Even tho that's xxactly the kind of thing he'd say himself. Prolly he'll B sore he didn't think of it himself. And sadly, the way Dad eats, he prolly WILL get crumbs all in it. I'm sure Anthony's uncle will appreciate that.

Apes

Edit: Jeremy and Howard, sorry I missed your comments last nite. So much craziness leading up 2 the wedding. I tried xxplain 2 my mom that sum peeps who see a badly coloured pic of her getting ready 4 the wedding will mistakenly think she's trimming nosehair when actually she is applying lipstick.

What's not being provided for free?

Dad was pretending to use his computer, and I came up behind him, all, "The rental place called, 'POP'--U can pick up yr tux in the morning." "Pop" is dorky, just like Dad is. Then I went, "HOOO!" Which I learned from Gerald's obnoxious Hoo-boy friend. And then, "U R gonna look sooo sophisticated... soooo el-ee-gant as U walk down the aisle w/Liz on yr arm." "El-ee-gant," of course, is not the normal way 2 pronounce "elegant." It's one of Dad's lame wordplay things. It's kind of like "elegant as rendered by Elly."

Then I leaned an elbow on one of Dad's shoulders and went, "U didn't hafta do that much when Mike and Dee were married... Now U've gotta--how do they say it? ...'Give away the bride'?" The "they" in that sentence referred to the backwards ppl who still C a bride as property 2 B transferred from father to groom.

Apparently, when I walked away and slipped in2 silhouette, Dad was all, "Heck, I'm not 'giving away the bride' ....This thing's costing me a BUNDLE!!!" Huh, Really? Even w/all the freebees Liz is getting? What? Whatever.

Apes

Mom and Dad Made it About Themselves Again

When Mom got back from her visit w/Gramps, she found Dad grilling on the backyard barbecue. (Jeremy and I were inside making delicious vegan foods!) Dad was like, "So how's yr Dad, El?" Mom went, "I think he'll B fine, John--and Iris had a nice break from caregiving. Looking after him is a lot of work... U're always afraid that he'll choke or fall or something. He's so lucky 2 have her. He's so lucky to have sum1 there 2 care 4 him when he's failing, when he's frightened, when he needs help." Dad was all, "I know." Then he put an arm around Mom's shoulders and they simul-thoughtbubbled, "And I wonder... When the time comes... which one of us will play that role."

U prolly have noticed this is a pattern. Contact w/Gramps always leads them 2 consider themselves getting older. Hm. Make of that what U will.

Apes

Boring reminiscences again

Apparently, one of the movies that Mom brought 2 Gramps was abt a married couple where the guy left the woman after they'd been married more than 30 yrs. Mom got really emotional during the movie, cuz it was set up so U really sympathize w/the woman and feel like the husband leaving came totally out of the blue.

After the movie, it seems that Mom told Gramps that the whole sitch had her remembering sumthing that happened on August 24, 1980. Gramps tried 2 pretend he was sleeping, but it didn't work and Mom told him NEway. She remembered looking @ this weird clock she used 2 have, which was shaped like an apple that had been cut in half, so the clock face was on the white part of the apple. It didn't have all the numbers, just 9, 3, and 6, w/dots showing where the other numbers shd go.

Mom recalled that when she looked @ the clock, it was 7:00 PM. She remembered also looking @ her watch 2 corrobor8 the time, while holding little Lizzie and saying, "John's over an hour late! --Where cd he B?" Then she remembers putting Lizzie in her yellow high chair and pacing so hard she actually caused the word "PACE" 2 appear in the air 2x. Meanwhile, she remembers that she, Liz, and Mike were in a backgroundless void that was orange, and Mike seemed only 2 have a torso, while Liz and her high chair both seemed 2 abruptly end where Liz's knees were. As this happened, Mom thought, "Maybe he's had an accident. --He cd B in a ditch sumwhere ....seriously hurt!!"

She also remembered saying, "Where R U, John? I cdn't LIVE w/out U!" But then she remembers the backgroundless void turning Dayglo green as she thought, "Or.. What if he drove sum1 home. --A luscious young thing, perhaps... And what if he went in 4 a drink! --And if..."

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Dad SLAMming the door shut and going, "Hi, honey, I'm home!" while the backgroundless void went back 2 orange. A moment later, the orange gave way 2 white, as Mom shouted at him in white letters on a yellow background, "WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN!" While her face turned red.

After Mom finished that story, apparently Gramps went, "Boxcar! Boring! 1980!" And Mom got in2 a tiff abt him being grouchy and 1980 being a "fun" year 2 talk abt.

Apes

Mom makes us all sorry, eh?

This morning over brekky, Dad sed 2 me, "April, I will tell U a story that shows U sumthing U need 2 understand abt marriage. Last nite, Yr mother and I were getting ready 4 bed, and as I put my Dentist's Choice brand toothpaste on my Excavat-R toothbrush, I sed, 'This wedding's been a lot of work, but U're enjoying it, Rn't U, El.' And yr mother sed, 'Yes. I have 2 admit I am.'" I sed, "Dad, the wedding's been a lot of work 4 every1 but U! And Dad sed, "Sh, let's not go there, yr Mom mite hear and get angry abt that, even tho she hasn't thot 2 get angry abt that yet!" I sed, "Y don't U just help out?" And Dad sed, "The answer 2 'Y' is 'Y.' 'Y' chromosome, that is!" I rolled my eyes.

Then Dad sed, "Well, yr mother continued w/'It makes me think back 2 our wedding. We just walked in2 it, didn't we. We didn't question it... We just went ahead and got married.' I was brushing my teeth, so I didn't answer rite away. As I wiped my chin with a towel, I sed, 'And it's lasted 4 over 30 yrs--so, I guess I've dun all the rite things!' Yr mother, who had been abt 2 brush her teeth, suddenly discarded her toothbrush and sed, 'What do U mean--U've dun all the rite things?!' I put a hand on one of her arms, looked @ her sheepishly, and sed, 'It was a joke! I was kidding! Honey, I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry.' Then a bit later, as we snuggled 2gether in bed, I thot, '....I did the rite thing.'"

I was like, "U mean U sed U were sorry when U really weren't?" And Dad sed, "U betcha. It's called 'diplomacy.' That's what U need in marriage. Diplomacy." And I sed, "U cd also try and avoid making jerky little comments in the 1st place." Dad looked stricken and sed, "If I never made jerky comments, there'd B no makeup snuggles. Don't U know makeup snuggles R the best kind?" And I sed, "Oh, I just remembered, I need 2 B @ the vet clinic early so I can leave early and work on wedding stuff." And Dad sed, "OK, well, don't work 2 hard, buddy!" Blargh.

Apes

A stupid conversaton between Dad and Ant

Ecch. So, on that day of all the wedding planning, the one I've been telling U abt all wk, Dad succeeding in getting Anthony NOT 2 go in and help. Instead, they sat on lawn chairs set up w/their backs facing the house, having cold drinks as Edgar sat by Anthony. Dad was like, "So, U're going 2 B a member of the family @ last. I've gotta say, that makes me happy, son!" Dad and the house went in2 silhouette, while nothing else, including the drink in Dad's hand, did. And Dad sed, "Elizabeth's had a couple of close calls. Nice boys, but Elly and I always hoped that U and she wd get 2gether." "Close calls"? That makes it sound as tho NE1 other than the Antman wda been a disaster just cuz Mom and Dad had their stoopid hearts set on Anthony. Anthony, of course, went "thank U." He must know Mom and Dad have been pimping him 2 Liz 4evs.

Dad left silhouette and did the usual "sales" job re. Anthony. He sed, "U're a hard worker, sensible, kind, a dedicated father.... U'll B a wonderful husband!" Then apparently, they simul-thought-bubbled, "Or else." Really? Is this a real concern? Are they actually acknowledging that Anthony was NOT a "wonderful husband" 2 Thérèse? Nah, no1 in this circle ever admits that.

Oh, and as U mite know, Mike got erased! C Dee's comment from yesterday. Mike has no sense of who not 2 mess with! NEway, Mom was on the fone early this morning. I heard her end of the convo, where she was saying, "U have 2 bring back Mike! Yes, redraw him! Come on, you know he's your favourite as well as mine! Yes, U can teach him a lesson up there in Corbeil before U send him down here, just redraw him. Yes, I understand it's not his place 2 tell yr employees that they shd B looking 4 work, nor mocking their 'cease and desist' orders. Of course, they should be taken seriously. Yes, I understand. Gerald is no longer to be considered April's future husband. Frankly, John and I have never liked that boy and we've always secretly hoped April wd get him out of her system and move on 2 sum1 else. We never sed so because we thought 'childhood sweethearts as Patterson destiny' was the rule now. Yes, yes, do what U need 2 do, just get me my boy back!" Mom hung up the fone and sobbed.

I sed, "U really don't want me 2 end up w/Ger NEmore?" Mom sed, "Nope." I sed, "He doesn't remind U of Anthony NEmore?" Mom sed, "Not even a little bit. I hope this doesn't mean U're going 2 want 2 get back 2gether w/him just 2 B a rebellious teenager type." And I sed, "No, I just wish U'd sed all this stuff B4 so Mike wdn't have tortured me w/his constant 'When U marry Gerald' stuff, ignoring me whenev I told him I never will." And Mom sed, "He did that?" And when I sed he did, Mom shook her head and sed, "I should have taught him abt letting up on stuff like that, but I never did. I blame yr father."

NEway, that's all I've got 2 tell U now.

Apes

Dad trains Anthony in the ways of Patterson Men

So, on that same "wedding planning" day I've been telling U abt, Anthony skulked his way in2 our yard, where he found Dad. Anthony was all, "Hey, Dr. P! --How's it going!" Dad, who was in the process of winding up the garden hose, was all, "Fine, Anthony!" Anthony went, "Is Liz around?" And Dad sed, "She's in the house. They're going full-tilt on the wedding plans, so I wdn't goin there if I were U." Oh, no, can't have the menfolk help with the wedding. Not even the groom.

Anthony asked, "Is there a problem? And Dad responded, "It's a wedding! There's ALWAYS a problem! Sumthing's not rite here, a dress doesn't fit there, ppl haven't responded, the caterer's out of town..." Hm, I dunno Y Anthony needs Dad 2 school him in the ways of weddings. It's not like Anthony hasn't ever had 1. Anthony sed, "MayB we shd just elope." And Dad went, "What? ...And spoil all the run?!!"

Whatever. I guess it's more "fun" if U insist on witnessing it from afar and let the "ladies" 2 all the wedding stuff. Shut up, Dad!

Apes

Mom's in2 recycling, U know.....

On that same day that I went 2 the beach w/Eva and Vicki, and that Mom was losing her patience, I made the mistake of trying 2 get Liz 2 chill. She had her elbows on the table, holding her head w/both hands. She had the wedding binder open 2 the page that featured her wearing her gown, and had a pamphlet, a magazine, a list, a pencil, and a cup on the table, 2. I put a hand on her left shoulder and the other on the scruff of her neck, while saying, "Lighten up, sis! U've got a whole month 2 go!" And Liz stoop up, grabbed her cup, and sed, "That's EZ 4 U 2 say! U can take off 2 the beach w/yr buddies! U can sit an' watch TV! U're not totally responsible 4 a major event here!"

Liz put her cup on the counter and I splayed one hand @ my sternum, Patterson style, and sed, "That's not fair! I'm helping! I'm in charge of the flowers, remember?! I addressed all the invitations! I'm making the table decorations!!!"

Mom had skulked in2 the room as I was saying that last bit, and we suddenly all went "AAAGHH!!" in unison, while reach our arms @ one another. Then we threw our arms around one another, and Dad showed up, all, "Group hug?" And Mom went, "No... We're holding each other up!"

I thought, "Huh, that sounds really familiar. " Then I realized that Mom used that same concept when she and Moira Kinney hugged back in February of 2006, rite after Mom agreed 2 sell the store 2 Moira. I know Mom says she prides herself on recycling, but there is no environmental benefit 2 reusing yr "jokes." Just boredom.

Apes

Going/Gone

W8 a minute. What?

OK, @ sum pt during all the reminiscing over the past couple of wks, Mom and Liz decided on a d8 & location and sent out invitations. I still have no idea when the wedding is, cuz no1 tells me NEthing. I hope it's not gonna B a day when I've already got plans!

So, here's what happened. Liz was @ our kitchen table, hunched over her papers, while Mom filled yet another mug of coffee. Liz asked, "Have NE more RSVPs come in, Mom?" And Mom sed, "Yes, but we're missing abt 10." Liz, looking a lot like Meredith 4 a moment, went, "I hope they respond soon. I have 2 tell the caterers how many meals 2 prepare." Oh, that's EZ. Pretend all 10 will B there. If they don't show, Mom will eat their meals. NEway, Mom and Liz went in2 silhouette a moment B4 Liz sed, "Y do ppl w8 'til the last minute? How can we plan this if we don't know..." ::snerk:: Pot. Kettle. Liz. I mean, isn't this wedding being "planned" @ the last minute? But Mom didn't say that, instead, she sed, "Relax, honey!" Liz and Mom unsilhouetted, and Liz went, "I CAN'T!" This caused Mom not only 2 get a gobsmacked look on her face, but also 2 lose most of her forehead, so it became at best a .5-head.

Mom went outside 2 the back deck, placed her coffee cup behind her, shrunk, put a spindly rite hand on her rite knee, her left elbow on her left knee, and held her .5-head w/her left hand, mayB wondering how 2 reclaim it. Dad, also shrunken, put his left leg on the bottom step, so he was kinda lunging, and asked Mom, "How's it goin' Hon?" And Mom went, "If U're talking abt my patience .... it's gone." Dad sed, "'Patience' was not the referent of 'it,' and you know it, Elly. Don't play dumb 4 bad wordplay." OK, he didn't say that, but wdn't it have been cool if he had?

Apes

The cement of yesteryear

Mike has sum more sharing 2 do abt a long time ago:

April,

Formerly little sis. We were talking at the Canada Day celebration about how you were still waiting for Dad to finish out your basement space to live, and it occurred to me that Dad did, at one time, actually build things around the house which were not related to model trains. One time in particular I remember was when he decided to put in a concrete sidewalk. I had asked him to help out, but was told I was too little. Needless to say, when I saw what Dad had done with the concrete, it cried out for a little artistry. Even then I had to feed my muse.

My muse on that day was hungry for a few good footprints and handprints and the letter “M” for “Muse” in different sizes. Admittedly it was an early attempt of art; but anything would have been better than the flat boring concrete sidewalk Dad had put in. I left my work unsigned so Dad would have to figure out exactly which budding artist in the neighbourhood had so coolly decorated it.

He stared at it for awhile with his trowel in hand and his other hand in his hair, pondering the mysteries of art. Dad was not stupid though. He figured out I was the artist, and grabbed me by his right arm, which for some strange reason had a left hand on it that day. Dad was also wearing cowboy chaps, which still does not make sense to me. But the most disturbing part to me was that he had discovered the identity of the artist and was not pleased by my artistic improvements. As I was being grabbed, I said, “How did you know it was ME?” In retrospect, I should have asked for constructive artistic criticism.

I have since learned that I have a certain style, a certain “je ne sais quoi” that colours the timbre of my work, making it clear when something comes from the artistic stylings of Michael Patterson. But back then, it was a mystery to me.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, I asked Dad abt yr story. He sed, "Oh, yes, I remember that. Yr brother was such a scamp! I figured that those 'M's' stood for 'Mike' and also that that was just xxactly the kind of thing Mike wd do. It didn't take a detective!" I sed, "It wasn't his artistic stylings that tipped U off?" Dad laffed and sed, "I C U've gotten Michael's version of events. Ha-ha-ha! 'Artistic stylings'! W8'll I tell the model-train club abt this!" And he wandered off.

Jeremy, that was so much fun @ the Canada Day celebration last nite! It's a shame what happed 2 Ger. Do U think we shd visit him @ the hospital this evening?

Apes

Jungles vs. Zoos in the Distant Past

OK, prolly the last day of this run of flashbacks we've been in. Sumthing abt little Mike making animal noises 2 entertain baby Nizzie, and Dad coming home saying, "Whew! What a day... Elly, it's a jungle out there." And Mike making more of his animal noises. And Mom saying, "I'll trade U 4 the zoo in here." Whatevs.

So, still in TO. Eva and I have been trying 2 get Dunc 2 leave the squat where he's been staying w/Zenia and various squatters, across the st from Weed & Carleen's place. Duncan's been claiming Zenia needs his help, but Zenia was saying she was up 2 sumthing "top secret." All mysterioso-like. Zandra tried 2 warn him not 2 get sucked in2 one of her schemes, but he's not listening. Just this morning, I overheard Zenia whispering urgently abt how she's in grave danger cuz [name removed @ Zenia's insistence] wants 2 have her killed. She "knows 2 much." Including sumthing abt what [he] looks like naked. ::shudder::

Apes

Surviving

The flashback I'm ignoring 2day actually picks up from yesterday's. Mom had sent Mike up 2 his room w/out supper and then was considering bringing him up sum supper. Dad told her she can't go back on her word like that, and besides, he'd survive a nite w/out supper, and Mom sed that mayB she wdn't. But obvs. she did. And apparently she was having a "thin" day.

Speaking of surviving, Eva and I R still @ the squat where Dunc's been staying. I can't say that I'd wanna live this way all the time, but w/Jeremy away this wk, @ least it's keeping me occupied. I just saw Mike show up @ Weed's place when I was looking out the window this morning. MayB Mike will write in this wkend and say what he's doing there so early on a weekday.

Apes

And we're back 2 flashbacks

As predicted, Mom reminiscing 2 Connie abt young Mike making her tired has led 2 flashbacks again. From the 1979-80 era. 2day's is supposta B abt knocking on Mom and Dad's bedroom door, crashing it open, and then saying, "U SAID 2 knock 1st," but U know what? Who cares? I'm not doing these flashbacks! >:-(

Duncan took all of his xxams last wk like he was supposed 2, but then he got all nervous an' scared abt how he did, and he ran off 2 TO 2 B a squeegie boy again. Eva and I R going out there 2 try & find him. Jeremy's away this week @ sum kinda scout thing he's doing 4 community-svc credits.

Apes

Dad's Massage-Chair Ecstasy

Since my mom's been 4getting me so much l8ly, I've been staying @ Jeremy's house, tho yesterday it got so bad Jeremy's mom had 2 call mine and remind her I xxist just so I wdn't fade away in2 nothingness!

So early this morning, guess who showed up @ their front door looking 4 me? My dad! He was all, "Yr Mom told me U were here, April! Furniture Outlet is having a door buster this morning! We have 2 B there @ opening 2 get the best deals, and I really want 2 try the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat!" I sed, "Dad, Rn't those things way, way xxpensive? And U're semi-retiring. And planning a wedding. And promised not 2 touch my uni fund."

Dad was like, "Trying is free, Buddy!" Then he grabbed me by the arm and yanked me out, leaving me only able 2 wave @ Jeremy and his mom and stepdad as I got dragged 2 the 'vASSe.

We got 2 Furniture outlet B4 it opened, and Dad insisted on our plunking ourselves rite in front of the door in case there was a line. There wasn't. We had 2 w8 an hr and a half. Dad told choo-choo jokes the whole time. My head still hurts. When we finally got let in, Dad made a B-line 2 the Massage O-Matic Wonderseat, and a salesman helped him get the massage thing started. That's when the embarrassing started.

Almost rite away, Dad was making these ecstasy faces and noises. U'd think Mom had brought him a big plate of bacon greaseburgers with a side of Boston creme pies. He was all, "MMMMMMMMMMM" and "AAAAAAHHHHHHHH" and "HOOOOOOOOOOO" and "WHOAAAAAAAA" and "HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH" and "OOOOHOOOOOO" and "OHHHHH" and "SNIFFFFFFFFAAAAAAA."

The salespeople were pting and laffing, and other customers who had come in were kind of cowering away. I heard one salesguy say 2 another, "U'd think this guy hadn't gotten NE since 1990!" And the other sed, "That's John Patterson. His wife is Elly Patterson." And then the 1st guy was, like, "Oh. 'Nuff sed."

So, I went over 2 Dad, all, "DAD! Do U have NE idea how much U R embarrassing me?!!" He was like, "What? Oh, M I still here?" Then the manager came along and made him leave.

Apes