April's Real Blog

Friday, August 08, 2008

Liz will B off the hook 4 "repaying"

I woke up 2day knowing a bit more of what will happen on 23 August, the day Lizzie marries the Ant. Weed will B @ the TTH, where Liz and the bridal party will B gathered. And Carleen, still, like I mentioned yesterday. Weed will B taking pics, and he'll B all, "Now, a few shots of the bride getting ready! ...Look a bit frazzled, OK?" And Liz will B like, "I don't have 2 act, Jo!" "Jo"? Doesn't NE1 but me call him "Weed" NEmore?

Next, Carleen will B standing behind Liz fussing with the veil, and Weed will go, "Turn around, Carleen! We need the hair stylist in here!" If U R thinking, "When did Carleen, who is Weed's photography assistant and biz manager, become a hair stylist," I can't say I blame U! I think what's gonna happen is that when Mom finds out that my hairdresser, Sugar Van Rensselaer, is unwilling 2 don8 her services 4 free, she'll have a fit. And sumhow, sum1 will end up suggesting that Carleen knows how 2 do hair. How does she know how 2 do hair? I dunno (yet). MayB we'll find out, and mayB we won't. This is all pretty chaotic and confusing, I know!

So, where was I? Oh, rite! After Weed snaps his "hair stylist" pic, Carleen will tell Liz, "When he's done, U're going 2 have the most incredible album, Liz. He's up 4 another award, U know." And Liz will go, "Yes. I know." R U thinking that a bunch of the wedding-prep conversations R going 2 have a feel of establishing how well various ppl we know R doing in life? Same here! After Liz's line I just told U abt, Candace will B fussing w/Liz's bustle for sum reason (this doesn't seem v. Candace-like, but neither does being a bridesmaid in a strapless lavendar gown, so there U go). Liz will touch a hand 2 Carleen and go, "So many ppl R doing so much 4 me! U're making this day the most amazing day of my life!!"

Then, there will B this weird moment where Liz seems 2 B addressing an unseen TV camera, w/Candace standing just behind her rite side, clutching her rite shoulder, Dawn doing a left-shoulder clutch on the other side, then me behind Candace and Shawna-Marie behind Dawrn, clutching Dawn's left shoulder and kinda snuggling up 2 her. Liz will go, "What can I do 2 repay every1? I will B abt 2 say that thanking ppl wd B a v. v. good start, but B4 I have a chance, Candace will blurt, "Just enjoy it, girl!" And Dawn will go, "Yeah! ...This is our day 2!" Rite, cuz every1 is just so privileged 2 bask in the glow of a Pattercaine wedding, eh?

NEway, I guess I'll know sum more 2morrow. Or mayB sum1 else will wake up knowing sum stuff, like Mike did Wednesday.


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  • At 9:13 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno if i'll evah wake up knowin' stuff 'bout ur sis' weddin'; but i woke up knowin' sumthin' 'bout ur weddin'. thass cuz u woke me up & sed, "jeremy. wen i get married, promise me no strapless, lavender bridesmaid dresses." i sed, "wtf?" & u sed, "evn if i insist that the bridesmaids will b able 2 wear them 2 thingz aftah my weddin', promise u will stop me. promise." so i promised. actually i sed, "ok, april. if u say, 'i want strapless, lavender bridesmaids dresses 4 my weddin'; i'm gonna say, 'april patterson, ur goin' down.'" u seemed 2 like that, cuz then u sed, "jeremy jones, i’m goin' down on"...um...i guess thass prolly tmi 4 ur blog.

    neway, i know cuz everybody iz doin' everythin' 4 ur sis, ur afraid the same thing mite happ 2u. cuz every1 sez, "oh, look how independent ur sis wuz wen she wuz in mtigwaki & look how every1 duz stuff 4 her now." & ur afraid no matter wut u do, sumhow u'll get sucked back 2 mboro & have a weddin' like ur sis'. so, i promised. evn if u decide i'm not the 1u wanna marry, ur not gonna have strapless lavender bridesmaids dresses. u can rest ez. i know i am. i dunno where u get ur energy in the mornings.

  • At 10:06 AM, Blogger DreadedCandiru2 said…

    I, too, have seen the future. In this vision, Josef Weeder is taking pictures of your father and Elizabeth. As he does so, he asks them to say how they feel about each other with their eyes. Their thought bubbles say that they find each other wonderful but their faces say "Let's have sex." You might want to sneak some of the alcohol to get through this.

  • At 12:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, u r awesum! i know i was kinda frantic an neurotic this a.m., but i hope i more than made it when i... well, u know. <3 <3 <3

    dc2, omg, that's just... ew. thanx 4 the warning. apes

  • At 1:16 PM, Anonymous Liz Patterson said…

    April, I barely had time to skim over today's entry, but I just wanted to say I am soooooo excited about my bridal shower! I just know it's going to be perfect in every way!!!

    Liz Patterson

  • At 3:09 PM, Anonymous michael patterson said…


    Formerly little sis. You may have heard that our sister Elizabeth has had the good fortune to be able to get Josef Weeder to take her wedding photographs. He was a little hurt that at one of the weddings where he took pictures, the bride complained that a few too many of the bridal preparation pictures were “staged”. “Staged” means that the bride pretended to be preparing to get ready after she was already ready, or the bride pretended to be frazzled when she was looking the best she ever looked. Of course, I got Deanna to take back all those criticisms and Josef felt a lot better about handing over all the photo work he did for my second fake wedding for free, and agreed to shoot Elizabeth’s wedding for free.

    I had lunch with Josef and Carleen the other day, and he told me some great stories. Apparently, there was some wedding he had shot photos for, where the bride was a real animal-lover and had the entire bridal party get dressed in a room where she kept her pets. “Hair all over everything,” Josef said. Carleen said. “Taking the pictures was really hairy.” Then Josef said it really got his dander up. And Carleen said, “The mother-of-the-bride walked in and saw all the hair on the bride and the bridesmaids and the fur really began to fly.” It was a very pun lunch. I can tell you, little sis, the true sign of a low-class wedding is one where they have animals roaming around the bridal party. Of course, if you decide to get married in a barn, because you’re a veterinarian, I will keep my mouth shut….to avoid getting hair in it. Ha!

    I did mention to Carleen that mom was looking for someone to donate hair styling of the bridal party for free since your hairstylist, Sugar Van Rensselaer, refused to do it without payment. (The ingrate!). I told Carleen she would be a natural for it, since she has to work with the models that Josef shoots in his studio. Carleen started talking about how most magazines who want Josef’s work provide their own hair, makeup, and wardrobe people; and how she doesn’t do that. She says she manages Josef's business.

    I found though, when it comes to Carleen, if I say, “Please” over and over again, she will eventually agree. It worked this time too. Carleen said, “All right, I’ll do it, if you just shut up! Just don’t blame me if everyone’s hair looks like hair from a 1990s prom. That’s the last time I did someone’s hair.” So, thanks to my efforts, your hair will be done by hair stylist Carleen on the wedding day.

    By the way, did I mention that Josef is getting an award for the photos he took for the cover of my last novel, Blood Cargo? I didn’t even know they gave award for such things, and yet there it was. I can actually claim that my book is an award-winning novel, even if it was for the pictures on the cover of the book and not the text. It’s a great honour, in any case.

    Michael Patterson

  • At 3:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, so mike's nagging is what causes carleen 2 b-come the "stylist" on liz's wedding day. it figures, doesn't it?


  • At 8:17 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well, my wife Beatrice and I were out with our girls, María and Ana, and who should we run across but Shawna-Marie and Brian and David and Dawn, the bridesmaids for your sister’s wedding and their husbands. This is how the conversation went, as best I remember it:

    Dawn: There’s María Alferero. María, are you still engaged to Paul Mayes?
    María: Yes. I can’t wait to get married. I love Paul so much.
    Dawn: You must be proud.
    Beatrice: I think María has done very well. Paul Mayes is a well-mannered, very nice boy.
    David: Don’t go for long engagements. Dawn and I were engaged for over 3 years.
    Dawn: It was worth it though, wasn’t it? My mother was so happy we went with tradition.
    David: I am sure that was the first time anyone had seen a traditional Japanese wedding in Milborough, including the Mi-ai and Yui-no, with all the elements imported from Japan. But all the paper work to get it approved in Milborough…that’s what took the time.
    Shawna-Marie: I think it was worth it. That wedding was a lot of fun.
    Brian: You had fun. I had to babysit Elizabeth Patterson and Anthony Caine.
    Dawn: I can’t thank you enough for that.
    Shawna-Marie: At least you got them to stay all the way through the ceremony and the reception.
    Brian: It was miserable. You know how many bad puns you can make out of the word “kimono”? Well, now I do. But, it was a lot better than having to go through a park in the dark after your wedding reception, trying to find them to make sure they didn’t drown in the lake.
    Shawna-Marie: That’s for sure.
    Beatrice: So, how are things going with Elizabeth Patterson’s wedding?
    Ana: I heard she started to break down because she had 10 people who hadn’t RSVPed with more than a month before the wedding.
    Dawn: Unfortunately, that rumour is true.
    David: Right. Dawn gets a call in the middle of the night, and Elizabeth Patterson’s mom is on the phone saying, “Dawn, can you come down to the wedding a month early? Liz is about to drive me crazy.”
    Brian: You live in Ottawa, eh? And she said that? That’s crazy.
    Beatrice: I worked for Elly Patterson for a years, and that’s mild. One time, she got so mad at a customer at her store, she actually bit off a mouthful of a phone book. And if she didn’t get her coffee in the morning, she would start shrieking like a crazy woman. I’ve only seen her daughter a few times, but ever since she moved back to Milborough, she has started to act more and more like her mom.
    Shawna-Marie: You’re not kidding. Liz is not the same girl I knew in high school. She used to be average and cool. Now, she is pretty whacked out. We had to take over just to preserve her sanity.
    Dawn: That’s for sure. I had to plan my wedding for this year, and now it feels like I am doing it all over again, I might as well declare her wedding day is my day, too.
    Shawna-Marie: Girl, you are right on there. This is my day too. I dare you to say it to her.
    Dawn: No way.
    Beatrice: Oh, please. You don’t know what this girl put me through trying to find cancellations for her last minute wedding.
    María: Say it to her face, on her wedding day.
    Ana: Yes, please.
    Dawn: Oh, all right. It’s not like she’ll notice.
    Ana: Aren’t the other bridesmaids helping you with the work? I’ve already started planning mine.
    Dawn: Her sister, April is one, and she has done a lot of work, probably more than any of us.
    Shawna-Marie: Then there’s Candace Halloran. She’s a bridesmaid too.
    Dawn: Yeah, Candace. She hasn’t changed since high school.
    Shawna-Marie: For sure. Everyone helps out and then Candace pops in to take the credit.
    Dawn: She did that to me in school with group projects in school.
    Shawna-Marie: I remember. And she’s doing it to us now with all this bridesmaid work.
    Dawn: Well, there is one difference between Candace then and now.
    Shawna-Marie: Someone has whacked that girl with the ugly stick. She used to be really pretty.
    Brian: No way!
    David: It’s true. Dawn has shown me pictures. She used to be hott. But Dawn is prettier.
    Dawn: Thanks, honey.
    Beatrice: Ana, what is it?
    Ana: Shawna-Marie has a nose stud. Can I get a nose stud?
    Beatrice: No! We’ve already talked about this.
    María: Dawn never opens her eyes. That is so cool. Can I keep my eyes closed?
    Dawn: No. No, it’s not cool. It’s a condition of being Asian and being in Milborough. I can’t wait until this wedding is over, and I can go back to Ottawa, where Asians are not considered to be slanty-eyed freaks.
    David: Don’t worry honey. I’ll make sure you don’t run into anyone.
    Dawn: Thanks, honey; but that’s not the point.
    Me: Well, it’s been good talking to you.
    Shawna-Marie: Good talking to you and your family, too, Howard. Wish us luck.
    Me: Luck. Why?
    Shawna-Marie: We have to try on our bridesmaids dresses. And then we have to go to a bridal shower. I think Liz has gone for strapless with those dresses.
    Dawn: No! I wanted the dresses with straps. Has she seen my body?
    Shawna-Marie: I guess we’re going to have to glue that thing on you.

    And then we left, before we got into too much more cleavage talk. I thought you might like to hear what they said.

    Howard Bunt


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