April's Real Blog

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Mike has a flash-forward to the wedding day

So, it looks like I'm not the only one who's been waking up this week knowing stuff that'll happen on Liz's wedding day, August 23. Now it's Mike's turn:

Formerly little sis. It’s been almost 2 months since you last told a story about modern day me, I was beginning to feel little unappreciated. Fortunately for you, I woke up with a vision of me and Elizabeth’s wedding day, and simply felt I had to tell it. So, if you had another story to tell about Elizabeth’s wedding that did not involve me, it's just too bad.

I was in my tuxedo with the teal bowtie and cummerbund with my family nowhere to be seen, contemplating the best way for the crowd to lift me on their shoulders and carry me out after I do my speech for Elizabeth in her ceremony. I was standing on a clear pathway between chairs, lavender-coloured chairs lined up in rows. In front of me, nestled at the front of all those lavender-coloured chairs was an arch made up of lavender and teal flowers. And there were big buckets of flowers and potted plants, all coloured lavender and teal. And there was a tree over head, with its ancient branches hanging over the lavender and teal as if to say, “Someone has drawn a tree leaning almost completely over.” The tree was so surreal; I knew it must be a dream.

I was there, standing resolutely with my hands in my pockets, knowing deep in my heart of hearts that this must be the place where Anthony Caine and my sister, a clearly colour blind sister, would be saying the vows which would unite them together as husband and wife. As I stood there alone, Lawrence Poirier was beside me and I said to him, “You’ve outdone yourself with the flowers again, Lawrence.” He replied, “My pleasure, Mike. It truly is a pleasure.”

It was at this point I was sure I was going to get the lecture about how Lawrence is a landscaper and not a florist, but that moment did not come. Then I saw Lawrence lean over in my direction, as if he were going to kiss me, but that moment did not come. Instead he did something even better. Lawrence said, “There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you or for your folks---friendship aside, the support you’ve given us has been major!” At first I wanted to tell him it was “majour!” with a “u” and not “major” like you would spell in the states, but my mind was taken with a completely different thought. For just the briefest of moments after Lawrence said this, I almost felt like I should say, “Thank you!” But then it went away. That was a close one.

I said, “You’ve helped us out with 2 weddings now—when are you gonna take the plunge?” Yes, I said “gonna.” It wasn’t very pretty. They say that when you go to weddings, the first thing to go is your language. But I digress.

I was unabashedly putting Lawrence on the spot. It’s just that when you are happily married as I am, you want everyone to be married. To some people that seems like putting on the pressure; but I had not had a face-to-face conversation with Lawrence since 2005. I think the pressure was pretty low.

Then the lights went out and I felt a sprig of my hair leap up, as if in imitation of your usual hairstyle. Lawrence said, “Nick and I are married in spirit, Mike. I don’t think we’ll have a ceremony.” Then I put my left hand on his right shoulder, and he concluded with “But isn’t it great to know we have the right!!!” I thought to myself, “right to have a ceremony” or “right to be married in spirit”? I think there is some rule in Milborough that if you are together for more than 10 years you have to get married. I am not sure Lawrence and Nick have the right to be married only in sprit. And what is this spirit marriage anyway? I never figured Lawrence as one who would start talking about ghosts, much less ghosts who can have weddings. You try to have a decent conversation with someone you haven’t personally talked to over 3 years, and this is what happens. I remember now why it was I stopped talking to Lawrence.

Michael Patterson
Mike, U silly goof. We write "major" in Canada, 2. Not "majour." In fact, even the Brits write "major." Oh, hang on, Liz is here. She saw what U wrote and wants 2 add sumthing.


Hi, this is Liz. Why do people keep saying I'm colour blind? My wedding colours are gorgeous together, and I'm going to be the prettiest pretty bride ever! Look how nice these colours are. If you don't think so, YOU'RE colour blind. And a picky face! Well, I've got to go. I've got more important things to do!


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  • At 8:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It seems to me that Lawrence is such a suck-up, he must have the word "Hoover" tattooed on his rear end. Since the only thing your folks ever did for him was let him stay the night when his step-dad kicked him out because that old cow Connie was upset, this fealty is almost as disturbing as the retina-searing color combination your sister was hoodwinked into okaying.

  • At 9:01 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, i kinda cringed all over when i read that stuff lawrence is gonna say 2 mike on the day of the lizthony wedding. :(


  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I used to work for Lawrence Poirier at Lakeshore Landscaping, as you may remember. Frankly the whole idea that he and Nick are this perfect couple, who own a business together that keeps getting bigger and better, and they plan to be together forever, just doesn’t make it with me. After July 19, 2005 passed, I knew a lot of guys getting married. They had waited all their lives wanting to do this, to show to people that the old stereotype of gays flitting from partner to partner was completely false. They wanted to show that they could be just as committed to each other as any straight.

    But not Lawrence and Nick. Oh no, not them. “Oh, we’re glad we have the right to get married; but we’re just going to stay married in ‘spirit’. That’s good enough.” It was like they had this idea that if they publicly declared their love and commitment for each other, it would offend people. Maybe they would lose some business from those folks in Milborough who like their gays to be single. I can’t stand to be around Lawrence and Nick when they go into that “married in spirit” talk. That’s the way people talked before same sex marriage passed. It’s no longer necessary.

    And the way he spreads it so thick when he is going to talk to your brother. It’s awful. It’s demeaning. It’s like he’s a servant to your family. It’s hard to believe this is the same guy that your brother had for his best man at his wedding and defended that choice against his mother-in-law.

    Sorry to vent. I don’t know why I am getting so worked up about this.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 11:32 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, sorry i didn’t know wut 2 answer wen u asked if we were married “in spirit”. i’m not good w/like philosophical wayz of thinkin’ ‘bout thingz. thass y i sed, “i dunno. i know i luv u & want 2b w/u 4 az long az u will let me.” i dunno if thass the answer u wunted or not.

  • At 11:33 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i don't blame u, howard. one time when i was @ lakeshore landscaping on an errand, i actually overheard dennis north making a bunch of the same pts u were. lawrence ended up muttering stuff abt 60yo's on their chesterfields wanting 2 "have things both ways." it was v. strange.


  • At 11:34 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry abt it, jeremy. i guess i was just kinda trying 2 figure out what xxactly lawrence will mean by that, u know?


  • At 11:48 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, ok. i won't worry. i hope u figgered it out. cu aftah u get off work. i luv u. i'm not worried.

  • At 9:22 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Beatrice and I were out shopping for dresses she and my daughters could wear to the bridal shower for your sister, Tracey Mayes is throwing. I found some great bright red ones, but my daughters kept saying, “Those are too big for us. And too red.”

    I was getting really distracted by all the women’s clothing, so I made a brief foray into the men’s clothing section and found a line of men there. I said to one of them, “What’s the line for?” And as it turned out there was a man there teaching men clothing etiquette. It was quite interesting.

    First off, he taught the men how to tie their ties correctly, which is that the end of the tie should stop somewhere between the bottom button of the shirt to the top of the pants. It was surprising how many men simply could not get this, and they were tying their ties too short.

    Then he started a lesson on how to walk with your hands in your pockets and not make it look like you have an erection. I don’t think it was until then I realized how often I had seen men around Milborough with what I thought was a fairly impressive bulge down there, only to discover that they simply had their hands in the wrong places in their pants pockets. There were some men who were quite embarrassed.

    Then he taught a lesson on how to know if your suit coat was the right length or not. As it turns out the correct length is when you can drop your hands to your side and curl your fingers around the end of the coat. So many of the men there were unwilling to take their hands out of their pockets to do the measurement. When they finally did, I could clearly see the problem. Did you know that almost 50% of the male population in Milborough has deformed hands? I certainly did not. The teacher was surprised too. He had to come up with a whole different method of determining proper suit coat length.

    I found it was very informative. You might want to have Jeremy come to the next one. After the session, the men looked 100% better. As the teacher said, “It’s good to see men in Milborough that don’t dress like men did in the 1950s.

    Howard Bunt

  • At 9:23 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i swear i wuz not flirtin’ w/her. i luv u.

  • At 9:30 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, u hafta admit she wuz kinda funny, eh? i mean wen i sed it wuz gr8 2 know gays have the right 2 get married in canada, so canada iz obviously better'n the st8s & she sed, “well, in the st8s they have the right 2 keep & bear arms, but that duzn’t mean the st8s r better. aftah all they still have capital punishment 4 wen u try 2 use thoze arms.” mebbe i shudn’t have laffed so much, eh? it just seemed funny 2 me.

  • At 9:44 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    ok, how ‘bout wen she sed, “wud u rather have the right 2 national health insurance & celine dion; or the health system of the st8s & no celine dion?” i guess u didn’t think that wuz funny either.

  • At 9:45 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, it’s like a no-win 4 me. i laffed. & she touched my shoulder. that prolly meant nothin’. she’s prolly 1 of those girlz who like 2 touch peeps all the tyme. i mean ur bro touches lawrence poirier on the shoulder & it duzn’t mean he’s innerested in lawrence poirier, eh? ok. thass a bad xxample.

  • At 9:48 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i luv u. ur the 1. all the girlz in the world cud touch me & i wud still luv just u. ok. i don’t think that came out rite. i just don’t know wut i shud’ve done. u sed i shoulda smacked her hand off my shoulder, but thass like, u know, kinda mean & stuff. i guess it wud’ve worked, but u know, i try rilly hard not 2 hit girls nemore. & yes i know back wen we were 8 years old, i didn’t have ne probs w/hittin’ a girl, cuz we usedta get n2 big fights & i hit u & u hit me. i don’t wanna b like i wuz wen i wuz 8.

  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i think u rilly needta ask tracey mayes wut’s up w/it. there’s gotta b more 2 it than just “u & ur mom got 2 go 2 thérèse’s baby shower, so thérèse’s mom & thérèse’s younger sister should get 2 go 2 ur sis’ bridal shower.” & i swear i wuz not flirtin’ w/ thérèse’s sis.

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, who is she neway? and celine dion lives in the states now, so ha-ha on that!


  • At 9:59 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, she's thérèse's sister. sorry, i posted b4 yr message showed up. btw, do u wanna go 2 that "menswear etiquette" thing howard was talkin' abt?


  • At 10:14 PM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    april, i dunno wut her name wuz. sumthin’ french. her mom sed it, but it went by 2 fast 4 me 2 hear. i thot mebbe u heard it.

    neway, glad 2c ur answerin’ back, so mebbe ur not az mad, eh? um, i don’t wanna go 2 ne menswear etiquette thing. like i wud almost rather go 2 that bridal shower 4 ur sis. & no, i don’t wanna go 2 that either. i am not goin’ newhere near that bridal shower. thass all girls. & thérèse’s mom & thérèse’s sis will b there. i don’t wanna c her again.

    u know, i think we shud just go a diff way the next tyme we walk the dogz. so there’s no prob w/runnin’ n2 thoze 2 again. if i nevah c thérèse’s sis again, then there’s no prob, eh?

    can u unlock the door? dixie & eddy r startin’ 2 whine. they think they have the right 2 sleep indoors. me 2. i luv u.


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