Glimpse in2 our future?

There was sumthing super-weird that happened @ the reception 8 days ago. It was so bizarre, I've kind of blocked it outta my mind until just now!

@ the head table, Liz and Anthony were standing up, kinda huddling 2gether, looking @ Weed, who was crouching on the floor just in front of the table and taking a pic of Francie and Merrie holding hands while Shawna-Marie gave a toast just beyond them.

Meanwhile, a bunch of us were standing, kinda lined up and facing the head table. Lawrence (looking kinda purple) was standing on the left side. Gordo was to L's rite, but standing a bit in front. Then there was Mike, just 2 Lawrence's rite, holding Robin (asleep) and Dee leaning on Mike, like pressing her right cheek 2 his left shoulder while pressing her right hand 2 his back. Then came me, 2 Mike's rite, and then Dad, w/his rite arm around Mom.

Dad suddenly asked Mom, "Elly, if we cd go back in time, I mean... If I asked U 2..." And she interrupted him, saying, "Yes, John ... With all my heart." And just as she sed that last bit, Antman and Liz did a big, showy smooch @ the head table. And I was kind of disappointed she hadn't let Dad finish his question. What if he was planning 2 say, "If I asked U 2 join a commune in Upst8 New York?" Or sum other thing she didn't assume he was asking. Oh, well, she's known Dad longer than I have. I guess she doesn't have 2 let him finish his sentences.

But that's not even where things got weird. Suddenly, behind the head table, a big projection screen dropped down. A picture of Mom and Dad, seen from behind standing on some kinda deck and watching sum mountain scenery @ night, w/a crescent moon in the sky, appeared on the screen. And over the sound system, a voice that was booming and distorted, like the Wizard of Oz, said, "ELLY AND JOHN PATTERSON RETIRED TO TRAVEL, TO READ, TO VOLUNTEER IN THEIR COMMUNITY AND TO HELP RAISE THEIR GRANDCHILDREN!" I whispered, "Mom, U're already retired." And the booming voice sed, "NO INTERRUPTIONS FROM MARTIAN TEENAGERS!"

Then, there was an image of Gramps and Iris holding a baby. And the booming voice went, "GRANDPA JIM LIVED TO WELCOME ANTHONY AND ELIZABETH'S FIRST CHILD [together], JAMES ALLEN. JIM PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 89, WITH HIS WIFE, IRIS, AT HIS SIDE.

Next, the screen showed Liz and the Antman dancing, she in an orange tank top and purple pants, and him in a yellow t-shirt and purplish-blue pants. The booming voice went, "ELIZABETH [Liz!] CONTINUES TO WORK AS A TEACHER. SHE'S DEVOTED TO HER WORK AND TO HER FAMILY, LOVING ANTHONY MORE EACH DAY." Then, the booming voice said, "THAT'LL SHOW THE HATERS!" The next image on the screen was Gord looking about 65 and Anthony looking like he does now, w/Anthony holding a newspaper that has a giant headline of "COTTAGES FOR SALE ." The booming voice went, "ANTHONY MANAGES THE MAYES MOTORS EMPIRE, HAS DRAWN HIS BRIDE INTO BALLROOM DANCING, AND LOOKS FORWARD TO OPENING A SMALL BED-AND-BREAKFAST."

Then, I kinda had to gasp at the disturbing image of Mike that was projected next. His lower jaw was distorted, like mayB Dad had just taken out all of his wisdom teeth. He was pictured sitting at a flatscreen computer monitor, holding up his head w/his right hand, and looking smug. The booming voice went, "MICHAEL PATTERSON HAD 4 BOOKS IN PRINT BEFORE SIGNING A FILM CONTRACT. HE CONTINUES TO WORK WITH JOSEF WEEDER AND TO WRITE FROM HOME--WHERE HE SAYS HIS INSPIRATION AND CONFIDENCE LIE."

Next, there was another disturbing image: Robin w/his mouth gaping open, muppetlike, his hair flipping up in a little curl on each side of his head, Merrie looking like she'd just gotten fresh collagen in her lips, staring ahead bug-eyed, and Dee w/her eyes squeezed shut apparently laughing at the most hysterical thing she's ever heard. Booming voice said, "DEANNA WORKED AS A PHARMACIST UNTIL SHE BEGAN A SMALL SEWING SCHOOL. SHE TAUGHT SON ROBIN HOW TO COOK. THEIR DAUGHTER MEREDITH WENT INTO DANCE AND THEATER. THE FAMILY GOES ANNUALLY TO THE MONTREAL 'JUST FOR LAUGHS' FESTIVAL." I went, "Sewing school? Why, does she go back in time to 1898?" The booming voice said, "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, TEENAGER! SEWING SCHOOL IS PERFECT FOR DEE! SHE LOVES TO SEW! SHE LOVES HER SEWING ROOM! SHE REMADE MARIAN'S DRESS!!!"

I decided I'd better shut up for the moment, since there was suddenly a pic of me up on the screen, holding a horse by the bridle and kind of snuggling up, w/the right side of my face against the left side of the horse's. The booming voice told us, "APRIL PATTERSON GRADUATED FROM UNIVERSITY WITH A DEGREE IN VETERINARY MEDICINE. HER LOVE OF HORSES LED HER TO A JOB IN CALGARY AND AN OPPORTUNITY TO WORK WITH THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. COUNTRY LIVING AND A COUNTRY BOY KEEP HER 'OUT WEST'!" I said, "You know, through my veganism and Jivamukti yoga, I've adopted the philosophy that animals are not ours to use. Even if I were given the opportunity to work with the Calgary Stampede, I think I'd decline." And the booming voice went, "INGRATE VEGAN FREAK! WELL, MAYBE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO CHANGE THE SYSTEM FROM WITHIN!" I said, "Well, I guess I have around eight years or so to figure that all out." And the booming voice went, "WHATEVER!"

Next, the screen went blank and then just had text projected on it: "THE EXTENDED FAMILIES, FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES OF THE PATTERSONS CONTINUE TO LIVE AND GROW, LOVE AND LAUGH AND EXPERIENCE LIFE AS WE DO... AS IF PART OF A COMPLEX NOVEL, WHOSE PAGES ARE CAREFULLY CRAFTED AND THEN TURNED BY ANOTHER HAND." Then the screen lifted up.

Francie went, "Wait! That's IT? What about ME?" She noticed some rustling behind a curtain on the right side of the reception hall and she ran and pulled it open. There, we saw the Witch of Corbeil! She was wearing a purple shirt, her hair had turned brown, and she was sitting at a drafting table! At first, she spoke into the microphone, so her booming voice was going, "PAY NO ATTENTION TO WOMAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WITCH OF CORBEIL!" Then as she saw Francie start to tear up a bit, she pushed the mic aside and went, "Aw, heck."

Then she said, "Thank you-- To my syndicate, publisher, family, staff, readers and friends for encouraging me these past 29 years--as 'For Better or For Worse' grew from simple sketches to an intricate 'saga' involving many characters. If I could do it all over again... Would I do some things differently? ...I've been given the chance to find out!! Please join me again on Monday as the story begins again... With new insights and new smiles. Looking back looks wonderful!" Then she signed a piece of paper she had on her table and held it up. The signature was "Lynn Johnston."

How weird is that? I don't even know what to say. Well, except thanks 2 all of U who have been checking in on my blog since I started it back in June of 2005. U've been through my grade-eight grad, my "band" drama, zits, Liz being "come after," meeting Paul, Mike having fights with his neighbours, making fun of them in his column, Mom flapping and honking, Dad playing w/trains, being clueless, Liz throwing away her relationship w/Paul, Mike running back in2 a burning building to save his lappy while leaving Dee to "fend for herself" on the fire escape w/2 scared lil kids, and on and on. Tomorrow, I think everyone in Mboro will be dwelling on the past--remembered in a diff way from how ppl ever remembered it B4. And I'll be focusing on my last yr of senior secondary school.

So, I guess I'm kinda saying goodbye to U all. Keeping this blog has helped me not go too crazy, being surrounded by my crazy fam always treating me like I'm defective (when they're not ignoring me). I dunno if I might check in here now and then 2 upd8 U on stuff, but my daily updates are def. over. Big love to all of U!

Apes

For Better or For Worse

Yet another hospital story. Don't criticize me 4 that, Mike, U know this stuff is beyond my control.

So, I'm still telling U abt what happened a wk ago, eh? Liz and Anthony had rushed 2 the hospital rite after they finished getting married, once Liz realized Gramps wasn't there and found out from Mom what was up.

Lizthony and Iris were standing outside of Grandpa Jim's curtained-in area, Ant w/his rite hand on Lizzie's rite shoulder. Liz sed, "Iris, you've taken such good care of Grandpa Jim. He's so lucky to have you!" And Iris went, "We're both lucky, dear."

Liz was like, "But, so many things he can't do for himself now--and you're with him, looking after him day after day... It can't be easy!" And Iris went, "It's not easy. But we made a commitment--just as you did today--and although it's not easy, this is all part of loving someone--with all your heart...and, with all you have to give! It's a promise that should last a lifetime. It defines you a a person and describes your soul. It's a promise to be there, one for the other, no matter what happens, no matter who falls... For better or for worse dears... For better or for worse."

Then, the weirdest thing happened. They all looked down--and they saw this scrolling text, like just kind of floating thru the air: "This concludes my story.... With grateful thanks to everyone who has made this all possible ~Lynn Johnston"

Freaky, eh?

Apes

Endings to stories

While Liz was @ the hospital in Grandpa Jim's room (after she and Anthony committed their "hitch and run" Saturday--as Gramps so ritely criminalizes it), Liz went over 2 Iris, all, "How is he, Iris? Tell me the truth." And Iris went, "He's not well, dear. He's v. frail. He'll B home in a few days, tho... and, then we'll C." She went 2 one side of the bed, Ant stood @ the other, and Liz stood @ the foot of the bed. And Iris sed, "Look. He's gone back 2 sleep. But... He did C U in 'Marian's' dress--and it meant a lot 2 him." And Liz patted herself on the back w/"I know."

Then Anthony called Mom. He sed, "Hello, Elly? We'd like 2 stay a bit longer @ the hospital w/Iris and Jim. Pls tell every1 we'll meet them @ the reception." After Mom hung up w/him, Dad came over, w/Robin pulling @ his rite hand and Francie looking up @ him like she mite B thinking, "My standfather looks a lot like Daddy, and that scares me." Dad asked Mom, "Who called?" And Mom sed, "Anthony. --Everything's fine. My Dad is going 2 B OK, John. Everything's going 2 B OK!" Interesting, eh? That is NOT what Iris sed in the hospital. So who was lying? Anthony, on the phone 2 Mom, or Mom 2 Dad?

NEway, Dad sed, "That sounds like a nice way 2 end a story!" What normal person wd say that in this sitch? I know, my Dad and "normal" don't even know each other. And Mom sed, "...It's certainly a nice way 2 end 2day!" Sure, if it were true.

Apes

Liz and Antman visit Gramps so he can thought-bubble pun

Here's what happened when Liz and Anthony showed up in Grandpa Jim's hospital room just after their wedding ceremony this past Saturday. Iris was standing by his bedside, and Liz went, "Iris! We came as fast as we cd!" Iris went, "Oh, my dear! --It's the bride and groom!"

Liz went over 2 Gramps, put her left hand on his left shoulder, and went, "Here we R, Grandpa. It's Anthony and Elizabeth. We wanted U 2 B part of this day!" And Gramps was like, "Yes!" Iris told him, "They're fresh from the altar, Jim! They took off right after the wedding! --Just jumped in a car and came here 2 the hospital!" Gramps went, "Yes?" And I guess all that emphasizing how they'd JUST! GOTTEN! MARRIED! was 2 set up Jim 4 the thought bubble he had next: "A classic case of hitch and run!!"

That is so wrong. Setting ailing ppl up 4 punnery, even in their heads, is v. bad 4 their recovery! OK, so I just made that up, but I'm sure it's true. :(

Apes

She did, when she finally noticed

More about Liz's wedding this past Saturday. When Anthony and Liz did their run down the aisle (with Liz trying 2 crib the look Dee had on her face when she and Mike did their trot @ wedding #2), sum1 was all, "Congratulations, U2!" And sum insensitive clod was like, "It's about time!" That mighta been Mom. Gordo, standing on the Antman's side, went, "Wooo-hooo!" And sum silhouette guy from Anthony's side went, "Ya-hooo!"

Then, even tho Anthony and Liz had charged down the aisle, suddenly they were back @ the front, w/the bride's-side crowd gawking @ them. And Liz had a teensy-weensy light bulb turn on over her empty head, as she went, "Anthony--where's my grandfather? And Iris! ...They're NOT HERE!!" Then she turned 2 Mom and sed, "Mom--sumthing's happened! Where's Grandpa?" And Mom went, "He's in the hospital, honey. He cdn't come." And Liz sed, "Then, we'll have 2 go 2 HIM!" Mom was like, "But, U just got married! Do U have 2 go NOW?" And Liz went all carp-mouthed and sed, "I do."

And... I'll tell U more 2morrow!

BTW, 2day is Mom's b-day. She sez she's 57. She's gonna B @ Lilliput's all day, having coffee and accepting b-day wishes and gifts.

Apes

The wishes he had the whole time he was married 2 Thérèse

So, after the officiant took Liz and her Antman thru the standard vows, he was all, "Anthony Caine and Elizabeth Patterson... I now pronounce U husband and wife. U may kiss the bride!" Mom and Dad had, 4 sum reason, stood up 2gether and watched the vows from the middle of the aisle, so they cd B, like, parallel 2 the wedding couple. It was weird. Then, they went in2 silhouette as they watched the kiss. Then, Anthony told Liz, I'm the happiest guy on the plant! And Liz went, "One more kiss and make a wish!" Poor Liz, she thinks she has 2 create special reasons if she wants more than the prescribed amt of kissing. And Anthony was like, "I don't have 2 make a wish, Liz..." Then he went 4 another kiss while saying, "2day, they've all come true."

Hm, I can almost imagine it now. "Francie, when Daddy asked your birth-Mommy to marry him, he wished she were Elizabeth! When the minister pronounced them husband and wife, Daddy wished he were pronouncing Daddy and Elizabeth husband and wife. When your birth-Mommy gave birth to you, Daddy wished Elizabeth could be yr Mommy! Now all of Daddy's wishes have come true!"

Apes

The Day After

Well. The Day has passed. But, U know, it'll take me days and days 2 tell U abt it, and I can't even get up 2 the actual vows 2day!

While walking Nizzie down the aisle, Dad was thinking, "::sniff:: It's Elizabeth's wedding day... And I have 2 keep reminding myself.... that I'm not losing a daughter... ...I'm gaining an accountant." Har dee har.

Once he's delivered Liz 2 the Antman's side, the officiant will B all, "Elizabeth and Anthony, 2day yr firends and families R here 2 witness yr marriage, yr lifetime commitment 2 one another." Kinda like Anthony's lifetime commitment 2 Thérèse 5 yrs B4, eh? Then, he'll continue: "They will hear the vows U R soon 2 make. They will share w/U this joyous and solemn occasion and will B there 2 guide and support U...."

Anthony and Liz will look @ ea other sideways while the officiant goes, "Knowing that marriage is one of the most important obligations that NE 2 ppl will ever swear 2 uphold." Yeah, Anthony has sum xxperience swearing 2 uphold that obligation. 2 Thérèse.

Weed gestured for me 2 step away from the bridesmaid line a bit so he cd snap a pic of me w/Mom and Dad as the officiant went, "Marriage is a challenge, but so too... It is love. Marriage is patience and giving and caring and faith. It is honesty and openness and thoughtfulness and truth..." Yeah, unless U marry Thérèse? Then officiant-guy went on, "In that yr understanding of one another will lead 2 a gr8er understanding of yrself."

Weed went 2 the front and took a crowd shot while the officiant sed this: "Marriage is friendship and respect. It's the willingness to accept yr partner's qualities and differences, weak and strong." Unless yr partner is Thérèse, rite, Ant? Officiant went, "It is a promise made... And a lasting, successful, caring marriage is a promise kept... Again and again and again." @ that moment, Anthony and Liz shared a thought bubble of "I promise." Mom and Dad also thought, "I promise," only they had individual his-and-hers thought bubbles.

While that last bit was going on, I cd swear I cd hear people snf-snf-snffing, cutting sumthing out, and putting sumthing on their fridge doors. I have a feeling a bunch of those ppl will show up @ Lilliput's 2morrow 2 have coffee w/Mom and tell her how they had tears in their eyes cuz Lizzie's wedding reminds them of [their own/their kid's/their other relative's] wedding, and blahblahblah shoot-me-now.

Apes

It was a cliffhanger 2 nothing

Wow we're 2 days away from the debacle wedding. I woke up knowing some more abt what will happen. It looks like Liz's big "STOP" outburst I told U abt yesterday won't lead 2 NEthing substantial stopping. The limo will pull up 2 the park, and we'll all get out.

So, rite after our big disembark, Dawn will B helping Liz adjust her train as Liz thought-bubbles, "Don't B nervous, don't B nervous, calm... B calm..." And Dad will geet her w/"Hi, honey! --Are U nervous?" Then we will all go in2 the rarely seen white silhouette, and sum1 will B saying, "The bride and F.O.B. R here, bridesmaids, here, flower girls and ring bearer..."

Robin will interrupt whoever it is who'll say that, w/"When can I have the ring?" Liz will bend slightly @ the waist and tell him, "Not until the procession starts, Robin. We don't want U 2 lose it. --So, for now, it's safely in yr grandfather's pocket." And Dad, w/his hands in his pockets, will go, "AAAHH!!?" Acting like he doesn't have the ring. Liz will B so terrified that she'll bare her lower teeth. Candace will pop her mouth open. Robin will B button-nosed and gobsmacked. Shawna-Marie will B in white silhouette. Francie will apparently B on a potty break, so Dawn will B playing her role, crouching down so she's only one entire head taller than Robin and looking close-eyed and concerned.

Then Dad will pull the ring case outta his pocket and go "Just kidding!" Dawn will have anticipated sumthing like this, as she'll have had time 2 resume portraying herself and run around the other side, so she'll B behind Dad and pretending she's abt 2 strangle him." Liz will clench her entire face, Merrie will just look a bit bug-eyed, Robin will LOL, and the rest of us will B in silhouette.

OK, I'm confused. "Ring"? As in just one ring? Is Liz the only one who'll wear a ring in this marriage? Shouldn't there B 2? Or will sum1 other than the ringbearer have the other ring?

Apes

Cliffhanger?

Sum more I woke up knowing abt Liz's wedding day, which is now three days away: Merrie will go, "Is this a real limousine? The kind movie stars use?" Really, Merrie, not even six years old, and THAT'S what U're gonna ask? Then Francie will B all, "How long B4 we get 2 the park?" And Robin will ask, "Will there B lotsa ppl?" And Merrie will wanna know, "Can we ride this 2 the reception?" And sitting next 2 Liz, I'll B sharing her POV, which will B that w/Francie and Robin squished 2gether on one side of the limo (Liz's left), and Merrie on the other (w/Candace and Dawn directly across fr us), it will seem like a teeny-tiny interrogation panel, as all these question will B directed @ Liz.

Then they'll switch off 2 sumthing else. Francie will B like, "My dad is gonna marry yr auntie, so that makes us stousins!" And Robin will go, "Stousins?" Francie will say, "Step-cousins! 'Stousins.'" OK, obviously, this will come from a grown-up telling her this. Even a 3yo w/"advanced verbal skills" won't come up w/that on her own. The only question is, "Which grown-up put that idea in her head?" My guess is Anthony. Wouldn't most normal grown-ups tell a little 3yo girl in this sitch that her new stepmother's niece and nephew were gonna B her cousins, and just leave out all that "step" stuff? That just seems nicer, don't U think?

Well, NEway, after Francie sez that abt "stousins," I guess sumthing will click off in Robin's brain, cuz then he'll B all, "Stousins! Stuzzins! Stooba gooba stubba nubba stousa loosa steeba deeba."

Suddenly, Liz will emit a huge, "STOP!" And this will cause Francie 2 B all, "Erp?" And Robin will B like, "Oop!" And a huge shadow will completely conceal Shawna-Marie, so U can't even C her silhouette. And I don't know whether Liz's outburst will just B Liz freaking out abt stopping Robin's chatter, or sumthing bigger like "Stop the wedding." The bigness of the "STOP!" has me thinking it's sumthing more than "Robin, stop being annoying," tho that cd B part of it. Like mayB it will dawn on Liz that there is no way she is ready 2 B a stepmother.

But I guess there's a gd chance that'll all come 2 nothing. Guess I'll know more 2morrow. Sorry abt the cliffhanger.

Apes

A premonition for the Sunday people

I only got a coupla hrs of sleep after Liz's bachelorette party that went till dawn (not 2 b confused w/Dawn w/a capital "D"). But I still woke up knowing sum more deets on Liz's wedding day. But I kinda think these deets mite B sumwhat outta sequence and compressed, like they're a special assortment 4 the ppl who only get 2 hear abt us on Sundays.

So, like, I'm gonna tell Mom that Annie sez they'll B serving vegetarian nibbles w/dips on the side, and Mom will think, "Nibbles and dips?" I think this mite B a stupid reference 2 "kibbles and bits," but whatevs. Actually the nibbles and dips will B vegan (thanx 4 that lil concession 2 me, Annie), but I won't wanna confuse Mom more than she already is.

Dee will come up 2 Mom all, "Michael sez the musicians have arrived. ....When do U think they shd start?" Mira will say, "I have the flower girls dressed, but I can't find their baskets!" I'll say, "Aunt Georgia wants 2 know where 2 put all the gifts, Mom."

Dee will find a cuff link and ask Mom if it belongs w/one of the tuxes. I'll take a call from Anthony's mom and share that she wants sum1 2 take photos of the cake B4 it's cut. (That shd B a big "duh," cuz who doesn't do that automatically, but I guess she knows abt my fam and the Pattersnarfing.)

Robin will ask, "Who gets 2 go in the 1st limousine?" Merrie (holding the flower-girl basket that will have been found) will wanna know, "When do we get started?" Mira will ask, "Has NE1 seen the hair brush?"

Mom will sit @ the kitchen table and go all flabbergasty w/"::SIGH:: ...Elizabeth [LIZ!] and Anthony wanted a SIMPLE wedding, John. ....How did it turn in2 such a production?" Dad will put a hand on ea of Mom's shoulders and go, "I guess every1 wanted 2 B a part of it, El. Every1 wants it 2 B a wonderful, magical day." Then he'll lean down, hug her from behind, and go, "It's as simple as that." And mom will smile weakly.

Beatrice, sorry abt my sister being such a mean drunk @ her bachelorette party. I think she feels the need 2 reassure herself that she hasn't lost her "Patterson allure."

Apes

I feel like one of those precogs in Minority Report

I woke up knowing sum more abt the upcoming Lizthony wedding (23 August). Sorry, Mike, nothing abt Dad saying he's proud of you. MayB I'll try and trick him in2 saying he's proud of U, eh? It cd B an interesting rhetorical xxercise.

So, 2day's premonition involves Gordo Mayes driving Anthony 2 the wedding. Unlike Gordo, Anthony will B wearing a lavender bowtie. Gordo will go, "Nervous, Anthony?" And Anthony will B all, "Yes and no..... Yes, because it's my wedding day, and no, because I'm marrying the right girl!" Gah, poor Thérèse. I wonder if Anthony had this convo on his wedding day three yrs B4, only w/him saying, "Yes and yes... Yes, because it's my wedding day, and yes, because I'm marrying the wrong girl! I'm gonna go wait outside the church so I can greet Liz when she gets there!"

Gordo will say, "I've known U both 4 a long time. I've seen U thru a lot of crazy circumstances--an' I gotta say... This feels like it's gonna work. U're doing the rite thing. I guess he'll leave out the bit where he remembers thinking, "Anthony's doing the WRONG thing" 3 yrs earlier. Sure Thérèse wd luv this convo!

NEway, Anthony will then ask Gordo, "Gord, wd U get married a second time? Hypothetically speaking... Wd U?" and Gordo will say, "Yes and no! Yes, because I've had the best marriage a guy cd hope 4! And no, because... ...I've had the best marriage a guy cd hope 4."

The way Gordo'll B talking abt his marriage in the past tense--let's all keep an eye on Tracey! Make sure she's, U know, OK.

Jeremy, I M so glad the side effects of yr JohnPattersonitis vax will B wearing off soon. All the punning, all the talk abt dentistry, trains, and toolkits--glad it's going away!

Apes

CRANE, Mike, not CROW

Mike had another premonition about Liz's wedding day, 23 August:

April,

Formerly little sis. I had another moment where I foresaw something from Elizabeth’s wedding day and it is my delight to share it with you. As you may or may not remember, in addition to delivering a magnificent speech at Elizabeth’s wedding, it was decided to also take advantage of my celebrity status and have me act as a greeter and seater. Plus I could sign a few copies of my latest novel, Blood Cargo, if necessary. When people come to the wedding, I will say, “Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” and then I seat them in the seats on the left if they say, “Bride” and the seats on the right if they say, “Groom.” Or is that the other way around? I am sure I will get it right by the wedding day. Mom said I could reshuffle the guests if it turned out there was no one who would claim to be a friend of the groom, which mom thinks is likely.

Back to my foretelling. I am standing there at the wedding ceremony location, looking good. I had already seated an Asian woman and her stalker and they were almost sitting in their chairs the right way. Then a First Nations man, and a lighter-coloured woman show up. My initial thought was that this was the constable Liz used to date, whom I never met. I thought he was there to flaunt the fact he found another almost-white woman to date in front of Elizabeth on her wedding day. Only he made a mistake, because this woman was a lot fatter and uglier than Liz is. I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

I figured I could probably take him, if he made trouble. I was getting ready to spring into action, knock him on the ground, and give his ear a good tweaking; when it occurred to me that this was not the first responsibility of the greeter. First you greet. Then you tackle.

They came up to me and said, “Excuse me, is this the Patterson-Caine wedding?” I responded with “Yes! Are you friends of the bride or the groom?” in perfect greeter fashion. The man said, “Friends of the bride!” “Ha!”, I thought. "You’re no friend of the bride, cowardly ex-boyfriend. Get ready to eat a Michael Patterson knuckle sandwich.” Then he said, “…We’re from Mtigwaki, the village where she taught…” I was about to slam him to the ground, when I suddenly remembered that there were actually people from that place Liz invited to her wedding. My mind flashed quickly down the guest list. What were their names? It would be so impressive of me, if I could remember their names without asking or looking at the guest list. I remembered it was a bird name, and it started with “cr”. I thought, “Crake? Crab plover? Crossbill? Crow?” Then I thought, “Crow. That has to be it, because that sounds just like one of those First Nation names.” So, I said, “You must be Mr. and Mrs. Crow!” They didn’t say they weren’t, so I knew I got it right. Score one for Michael Patterson. I grabbed a lavender chair and said in my best greeter voice, “Welcome! Please sit down. Elizabeth will be so glad you came!” I foretell those greeter lines will come so naturally to me.

As they sit down, I notice Lawrence Poirier is standing next me. Obviously he was amused that I did not immediately recognize one of Elizabeth’s friends with close to the same skin colour as he has. I explain, “My sister has a lot of friends, Lawrence. Some of them I’ve never met before!” Lawrence responds with a great joke, “That’s the thing about weddings, Mike…It unites the ‘Who’s Who’ with the ‘Who’s that?’” What great joke, playing on the word “Who.” I foresee myself laughing a lot at that one. I’m not laughing at it now; but I foresee I will find it very funny.

That’s where it ends. Isn’t that a great prediction? I am going to find out that Liz has friends I don’t know. Who would have thought it was possible?

Love,
Michael Patterson

Aw, Gary and Vivian, why R U going 2 B 2 polite 2 correct Mike? Mike, as patrickrsghost commented last nite, their last name is CRANE not CROW. Tho their not correcting U has me wondering the same thing patrickrsghost does, which is whether their names will silently get changed on that Who's Who site Steph maintains for Mom.

I know you are probably thinking there is no way anyone would go to the wedding of their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend to show off their date. That would be exceptionally rude, thoughtless and tasteless. I have heard of it occurring before; but I can’t remember when. Nevertheless, this was the thought that crossed my mind at that moment.

Mike, what you're not-quite remembering is that Liz showed up to the Anthony-Thérèse wedding with her dancing date Dennis North.

Apes

Mom shows her true colours--again

Well, foax, we R xxactly 2 weeks away from the Liz-Anthony wedding. And I woke up this morning knowing sum more abt what will happen on that day.

Mom, Connie, and Anne Nichols will B standing in a reception hall @ the Empire Hotel, where Anne is the catering manager. (Yup, Howard, it's what U were afraid was going 2 happen--Anne Nichols will handle the catering.) Annie will say, "We're all ready 4 yr reception--U can trust the Empire Hotel!" And Mom will go, "Better than that, Anne--we can trust the catering manager!"

Then, Mom will say, "The girls @ the bookstore provided all the decorations and Anthony's mother made the cake!" So U C, Anthony's mother just happens to make wedding cakes. Bookstore peeps naturally do wedding decorations on the side? NEway, Anne will ask, abt Anthony's mother: "What's she like, Elly?" And Mom, mayB 2 remind herself abt the manly-looking Connie's gender, will begin her response w/"Ladies," and then say, "She is great! She is xxactly the kind of woman I'd want my daughter 2 have 4 a mother-in-law." Anne will ask, "She gets along w/Elizabeth?" And Mom will touch her left hand 2 her own sternum while saying, "She gets along w/ME!" And Connie, like the sidekick she is, will open her muppet-mouth and laugh like Elly is totally bringing the funny.

So I guess 2 Mom, it won't matter if Liz can't stand Ant's mother. MOM likes her. That's all that matters 2 Mom. Typical. Liz, U can still back out, U know. MayB.

Howard, thanx 4 sharing that convo U, Beatrice, Maria and Ana had w/Dawn, David, Shawna-Marie, and Brian. Liz never shared NE deets abt Dawn's wedding, and it sounds like it was really cube!

Apes

Mike has a flash-forward to the wedding day

So, it looks like I'm not the only one who's been waking up this week knowing stuff that'll happen on Liz's wedding day, August 23. Now it's Mike's turn:

April,

Formerly little sis. It’s been almost 2 months since you last told a story about modern day me, I was beginning to feel little unappreciated. Fortunately for you, I woke up with a vision of me and Elizabeth’s wedding day, and simply felt I had to tell it. So, if you had another story to tell about Elizabeth’s wedding that did not involve me, it's just too bad.

I was in my tuxedo with the teal bowtie and cummerbund with my family nowhere to be seen, contemplating the best way for the crowd to lift me on their shoulders and carry me out after I do my speech for Elizabeth in her ceremony. I was standing on a clear pathway between chairs, lavender-coloured chairs lined up in rows. In front of me, nestled at the front of all those lavender-coloured chairs was an arch made up of lavender and teal flowers. And there were big buckets of flowers and potted plants, all coloured lavender and teal. And there was a tree over head, with its ancient branches hanging over the lavender and teal as if to say, “Someone has drawn a tree leaning almost completely over.” The tree was so surreal; I knew it must be a dream.

I was there, standing resolutely with my hands in my pockets, knowing deep in my heart of hearts that this must be the place where Anthony Caine and my sister, a clearly colour blind sister, would be saying the vows which would unite them together as husband and wife. As I stood there alone, Lawrence Poirier was beside me and I said to him, “You’ve outdone yourself with the flowers again, Lawrence.” He replied, “My pleasure, Mike. It truly is a pleasure.”

It was at this point I was sure I was going to get the lecture about how Lawrence is a landscaper and not a florist, but that moment did not come. Then I saw Lawrence lean over in my direction, as if he were going to kiss me, but that moment did not come. Instead he did something even better. Lawrence said, “There isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you or for your folks---friendship aside, the support you’ve given us has been major!” At first I wanted to tell him it was “majour!” with a “u” and not “major” like you would spell in the states, but my mind was taken with a completely different thought. For just the briefest of moments after Lawrence said this, I almost felt like I should say, “Thank you!” But then it went away. That was a close one.

I said, “You’ve helped us out with 2 weddings now—when are you gonna take the plunge?” Yes, I said “gonna.” It wasn’t very pretty. They say that when you go to weddings, the first thing to go is your language. But I digress.

I was unabashedly putting Lawrence on the spot. It’s just that when you are happily married as I am, you want everyone to be married. To some people that seems like putting on the pressure; but I had not had a face-to-face conversation with Lawrence since 2005. I think the pressure was pretty low.

Then the lights went out and I felt a sprig of my hair leap up, as if in imitation of your usual hairstyle. Lawrence said, “Nick and I are married in spirit, Mike. I don’t think we’ll have a ceremony.” Then I put my left hand on his right shoulder, and he concluded with “But isn’t it great to know we have the right!!!” I thought to myself, “right to have a ceremony” or “right to be married in spirit”? I think there is some rule in Milborough that if you are together for more than 10 years you have to get married. I am not sure Lawrence and Nick have the right to be married only in sprit. And what is this spirit marriage anyway? I never figured Lawrence as one who would start talking about ghosts, much less ghosts who can have weddings. You try to have a decent conversation with someone you haven’t personally talked to over 3 years, and this is what happens. I remember now why it was I stopped talking to Lawrence.

Love,
Michael Patterson

Mike, U silly goof. We write "major" in Canada, 2. Not "majour." In fact, even the Brits write "major." Oh, hang on, Liz is here. She saw what U wrote and wants 2 add sumthing.

Apes

Hi, this is Liz. Why do people keep saying I'm colour blind? My wedding colours are gorgeous together, and I'm going to be the prettiest pretty bride ever! Look how nice these colours are. If you don't think so, YOU'RE colour blind. And a picky face! Well, I've got to go. I've got more important things to do!

Liz

And now we're on "HOME" again

Liz is here. She just told me abt a recent convo she had w/Anthony, and I was gonna write abt it here, but as soon as she saw me write my title, she was all, "No, no, no, April! I can tell already you won't do this right! Let me write this." So I'm turning this over 2 Liz again.

Apes

Hello, April's readers. This is Liz. April can't be trusted to tell you my story properly. Or in the nicest colours and fonts. I'm feeling like deep purple today, aren't you? Well, if you're not, that's too bad, and you're a picky-face just like April!

Anyway, Anthony and I were sitting on the steps of his back deck. Frenchy was playing in the yard, with some toys she'd brought outside. Anthony asked me, "Any second thoughts?" And I said, "About getting married? No. I love Françoise, I love your family, and I love you!" Then I said, "I had such a crush on you in high school... and now after all this time, I have another chance." Shut up, April! April is reading this over my shoulder and she said, "Crush in high school? You were always breaking up with him, planning to break up with him, or at least wondering if you could do better. Then you'd only get back together with him after you had a panic attack about being boyfriendless." See what a picky-face? Forget what you think you know about me and Anthony in high school. Now it's "I had a crush on him." Got it? Good.

Anyway, after I said, "I have another chance," Anthony said, "Me too... Another chance." We both avoided the ugly subject of his first marriage. Then I said, "No more running way. No more searching for something that was right here in front of me--all along." And Anthony said, "Elizabeth?" Then he threw his arms around me, kissed me, and at the same time, said, "...Welcome home." Isn't that romantic? Shut up, April, it is so! And I don't know how he managed to say that while kissing me, he just DID! Martian! Quit rolling your eyes! I'm gonna tell Mom!

Liz

Painful Punning

It turns out one of the reasons 4 Mom's visit was 2 infodump Gramps re. the wedding plans. While Mom was still sitting on the floor in front of Grandpa Jim's chair, she was all, "I'm glad Iris decided 2 visit her son, Dad. I've been wanting sum time alone w/U. I haven't been keeping U up-2-d8, but now I can tell U what's going on in our lives." And Gramps went, "Yes!" How odd, U'd think Mom cdn't keep Gramps' "up-2-d8" when Iris is around. It's not exactly classified info.

NEway, Mom went on w/"The wedding is all planned. We're having it on August 23rd." Hm, don't U think Gramps wd know that from having received an invitation? Or mayB he was one of the 10 non-RSVPs and Mom assumed that Iris threw away the invite and never told Gramps abt it? Sorry, I'm digressing again. Mom continued like this: "Elizabeth is going 2 look lovely in Mom's dress*, and Anthony's uncle is supplying formal wear 4 the men!" Don't U think the detail abt Anthony's uncle supplying formal wear is a weird thing 2 include? Y shd Gramps care abt that? Or mayB Mom feels the need 2 show how little this bride and groom actually had 2 pay 4. Found dress. Don8ed flowers. "Supplied" formal wear. What else?

Next thing Mom said was, "April's going 2 sing! Wait 'til U hear her! Michael's writing a wonderful speech [groan], the children R all in the wedding party!" Then Gramps is supposed 2 have thot, "I guess U cd call this a 'glow-by-glow' description'!" Y Gramps? Glow by glow? What has Mom done 2 his brain?

Doug McKenzie, in answer 2 yr question, we do have taverns in Mboro, but I don't know if that's what made Dad l8 that one time in 1980. He sez he doesn't remember the incident. I can't believe it--he's had lots of head trauma over the years.

Apes

*That's NOT Grandma Marian's dress!

Bribezilla?

I'm just gonna turn this entry rite over 2 Liz, who is already hanging over my shoulder and trying 2 think of a made-up errand 2 send me on. Brace yrself 4 her blinding wedding colours.

Apes

Ha, smartypants April thinks she knows everything. I'm not going to use my wedding colours today. I'm going to use the colour scheme I'm thinking of using to redecorate the master bedroom after I marry Anthony and move into the house. And shut-up to all of you who keep telling people I already have. I am NOT that kind of girl (anymore), I still have my own apartment with a cat, and no one can prove anything!!

There, isn't that pretty? This would be the main colour, and this would be the accent. April is so mean, she asked me if I'm colour blind when I showed her my swatches. That's almost as bad as how her mean friend Shannon Lake is always asking if I've been evaluated for special needs. I don't know how April gets such mean friends!

Well, anyway, I have a story for you! It's one of those stories that shows that Anthony is JUST LIKE DAD, and therefore PERFECT HUSBAND MATERIAL!!!

Anthony, Frenchy, and I had just finished our shopping, and we stopped at that outdoor greasy-spoon place where Pattersons who are not April like to have greaseburgers. Anthony and I were both having wraps, because those are "in" right now, and we all had fries. Frenchy asked me, "I get to be a flower girl when you get married, don't I!" And I told her, "Yes, Francie--you and Meredith will be flower girls." Frenchy asked, "Who gets to go first--me or Meredith?" And I cleverly told her, "Robin goes first because he's the ring bearer." This was so distracting, Frenchy never got the idea to ask who got to go second. Instead, she asked, "Why can't I carry the rings?" And I told her, "Because you'll be carrying flowers!"

Then I got this brilliant idea. It just hit me out of the blue, and I couldn't wait to say it: "And if you and Robin and Meredith are really, really, really good... I'll have a very special gift for you when the wedding is over." Anthony leaned over towards me and said, "Here comes the bribe!" I held my french fry mid air and felt my face getting that "gobsmacked" look, which is the perfect look to get when someone "zings" you with a pun like that. I thought, "Wow, that is EXACTLY the kind of thing DAD would say." And I felt SO proud of Anthony. Though part of me felt he was kind of, oh, what's that vocab word I was supposed to teach my grade fours in the last week of school? Oh, right, "undermined." Especially since he did that right in front of Frenchy. Oh, well, Mom told me that's what I need to get used to as a wife and mommy.

Liz Almost-Caine

Accepted by [his] daughter?

Well, Liz tried 2 "trick" me again this morning, w/another made-up errand, but I told her there's no need, she can write abt her lame, disturbing trip 2 the grocery store w/Antman and Francie all she wants. I can use the time 4 sumthing else. K, so I'm turning this over 2 Liz.

Apes

Hmph. I might give her an errand anyway. I like putting April to work! Anyway, I liked my fancy wedding-colour text so much yesterday, I'm going to do it again, except I'll make it mostly violet with teal accents. Because I haven't decided which colour I'll emphasize at the wedding!

Ooh, pretty! Let's see. So Anthony and I took Frenchy grocery shopping. And because I'm going to be her new Mommy, and Anthony is the man, he went to browse in their hardware section while I took her up and down the food aisles.

In the cereal aisle, Frenchy asked, "Can I have some sugar cereal, Elizabeth?" And I said, "Let's get healthy stuff today, OK?" She followed that up with, "Then... Could I have some candy?" I could have pointed out that candy isn't "healthy," but if I did, she might remind me of that the next time she sees me eating candy, and also, Anthony lets her keep a giant candy drawer in the kitchen at their house, so I said, "You have candy at home."

A minute later, she said, "How about a toy?!! I haven't had a new toy for a lonnngg tiiiiime!" And I said, "Not today." That's when she started pulling at my hand and going, "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?!!"

So I bought her a toy, and after we checked out, Anthony caught up with us, and I told him, "I've been accepted by your daughter, Anthony....She's started to NAG me!" I said this right in front of her. Was that wrong of me?

Oh, and I'm so good, I got our groceries and Frenchy's toy in fabric "Green Sacks." Not paper OR plastic. I am wonderful! I wonder where I can get Anthony a nice "This house saves water" sign.

Liz

Dizzy

Hey, there, foax, there's not 2 much going on rite now, just.... Oh, w8. BridezilLiz is here and she's yelling 4 me again. I'll B rite back.

HA! It's me, Liz! I sent April out on an errand because I knew she'd be logged into her blog, and I want to tell you a sweet, sweet story that will FORCE you to like Anthony! Oh, but first let me change this boring text. I want the text fancier. And in my wedding colours!

Much better, don't you think? I don't know why people say violet and teal are not a nice combination!

Anyway, Anthony and I took Frenchy to the park recently, for a picnic. Isn't that sweet and quaint? After I lay down the blanket, Frenchy insisted, "Swing me, Daddy! Swing me!!" So Anthony grabbed her by both hands and swung her so fast, she didn't seem to have legs the whole time she was swinging. She seemed like a torso. It was a little scary, but very SWEET, April. Sweet! Then, suddenly Anthony was so dizzy, he had to let go and sit down. He had a little twister over his head and dizziness bubbles and specks around his head, too.

And silly Frenchy, she asked, "Why are you stopping? ...I'm not dizzy yet!" See how charming? Don't you and your cold-hearted friends just LOVE Anthony now? You'd better love him! Even though he hasn't helped out with the wedding, which is women's work anyway, so don't be mad at him for that, Mom and Dad say you're not allowed!

Liz (NOT BridezilLiz!)

Oh, man, I can't believe Liz just did that! What a freak! But, oh, well, that lame story is what I was going to tell you about anyway, so I guess I had 2 spend the time on Liz's lame errand instead of Liz's lame story, eh?

Apes

Bridal Checklist Meeting

So, Liz called a special wedding-planning meeting yesterday. It was me, Liz, Mom, Dawn Enjo, Shawna-Marie Verano [or her new name], and Dee. I had the strange impression we were only having this meeting so that ppl who only pay attention 2 us once a week wd know that wedding planning was happening. 'Course those ppl also prolly think Liz and the Ant have been engaged since they had their stupid "checklist" d8 last summer. Oh, and Liz liked that whole "checklist" thing so much, she made us use that approach 4 our dumb meeting.

First, Dawn went over a list of stuff I had 2 say "check" abt. "Bridesmaids gifts?" "Check." "Groomsman's gifts?" "Check." No one went in2 how Jeremy and I had 2 go 2 every vendor in Mboro 2 beg them 2 don8 free gifts, of course. NEway, next, it was my turn 2 say a bunch of stuff Mom had 2 say "check" abt: "Corsages? Roses? Music? Limo? And photographer." "Check. Check. Check. Check. Check." Sum1, I'm not sure who, went "This list is dun, then?" And Mom thot-bubbled "Cheque!!!" and held up her finger like she was motioning 4 a waitress. Even tho we weren't in a restaurant. MayB she was mentally correcting Anthony, since @ the end of that "checklist" d8 I just referred back 2, he asked his waiter 4 the "check" instead of the "cheque." That's considered v. gauche in Canada.

NEway, Dawn referred 2 another list and went, "OK, we have the chair covers, table cloths, napkins and place cards." Mom sed, "The place cards we ordered R not available." Y wd that only come out then, after the order was made? Next, Shawna-Marie piped up, referring 2 a list of her own: "Lawrence will B delivering all the flowers in the morning xxcept 4 the bouquets, which will B picked up @ noon." Dee looked over her shoulder, as tho she cdn't trust Shawna-Marie 2 tell us what was really on that list.

Mom asked, "What abt the dinner?" Yeah, of course she did. Dawn replied, "We decided on the entrée, rite?" And Mom jumped back in w/"And the cake will B individually wrapped and available at either end of the head table." Huh?

Shawna-Marie checked her list again and sed, "Music will B live during the ceremony and the dinner, but we have a DJ for the..." Dawn interrupted that w/"W8! The guy we hired can't come!" Then Liz stood up and went, "They've asked us 2 move the ceremony away from the fountain. ....It's being repaired." Mom went, "What?!!"

Dee referred 2 her own list and went, "My mom can't find the fabric she wants 4 the flower girl dresses, and suggests we change the colo[u]r scheme from teal and lavendar, 2 rose and powder blue." Huh, I was surprised 2 learn that NE1 asked Mira 2 B involved, and that she agreed. NEway, as we continued 2 check over stuff, I had a feeling that Mom was thot-bubbling something about "No wonder ppl cry @ weddings.... They're so happy 2 have them over with!!" Yuh. Nice sentiment, Moms.

Jeremy, it was v. nice of U 2 do that whole camp thing as a favour 2 me. Believe me, U will B rewarded v. v. handsomely when U return! <3 <3 <3

Apes