Spoiled Society?

OMG, so this morning? Dad sed, "April! Come w/me, I have sumthing 2 show U!" We went down 2 his workshop, & rite away, I hadta hold my nose, cuz there was this awful STINK! Dad had a buncha smelly, broken junk in there: a microwave w/its door hangin' off a hinge, a hole on top, an' grape jelly stuck 2 the glass front; half a bicycle, a stove with its oven door & 1 burner missing, the other 3 burners broken; 2 busted-up fridgez; a TV w/the screen smashed in; a broken dishwasher; smashed-up chairz; a muffler; a wire hanger; a destroyed old lamp; banged-up cookware; an old boxspring w/the springz all sprung out; & a buncha other gross, stinky stuff.

So, holding my nose, I sed, "Dad? What's going on?"

Dad sed, "April, last nite I 4got 2 put out the trash. . . . "

"We had this much trash?"

Dad laffed. No, this wasn't our trash!

"So, U went around the nabe & picked up every1 else's trash?"

"No! Stop interrupting, and I'll tell U what happened, buddy! So, I tried 2 catch the trash truck when I heard it this morning, just B4 dawn, but I wasn't fast enuf. So I packed the trash bags up in2 the back of my beautiful, spanking-new, cherry-red Crevasse. Did I mention I've named her Laverne?"

"Um, no, & I wish I didn't know that."

"Well, anyway, April, I drove out to the municipal landfill. And as I was unloading the trash, I looked around and thot, 'Amazing. U can C how spoiled a society is....by what it throwz away.' And just then, I had an inspiration. I'm going 2 do my part 2 reverse this trend of our being a throwaway society! So I made a seriez of trips hauling home theze thingz ppl have wastefully discarded just b-cuz they were 2 lazy 2 do sum basic repairz!"

I sed, "Dad? Theze thingz all seem 2 B messed up B-yond basic repairz!"

Dad was all, "Ye of little faith!"

"And Dad? They also STINK! Like, I'll bet U've more than wiped out that new-car smell!"

Then Dad teared up a bit, "Oh, my God! Laverne! What have I dun!" Then he ran & got the cleaning suppliez.

So, now Dad's got all that smelly stuff in his workshop, an' I'm telling U, there iz no way he'll B able 2 fix them. & w8 till Mom gets a whiff. She is gonna have a fit!

Apes

WHEN did they EVER seem like a perfect couple?

When I walked in2 the kitchen this morning, Dad was on the phone:

Well, Mike, naturally I'm going to need a copy editor for the manuscript of my memoirs when I finish writing them. And I want it to be you, since you are the best, according to Dee and you yourself. What's that? [pause] Michael, really, I'd rather you didn't pass me off to one of your "disgruntled" underlings who also does freelance work. Yes, no, I realize you all share leads w/1 another, but Mike, I'm yr FATHER! And besides, you can't make up stuff like this! Like, for example, I'm driving home in the new Crevasse, and all the while, I'm thinking, thinking, thinking. I'm thinking so much, I can imagine my thots as gr8 swaths of text. My thots ran like this [consulting MS]: "Here I am, driving home in a brand-new car. I shd B happy, but I keep thinking abt Anthony and Thérèse. He's such a nice guy. He'z smart & funny. He'z been a good provider. He'z hardworking and faithful... How cd she leave him? How cd she leave that beautiful baby? They seemed like such a perfect couple and now, suddenly--4 no apparent reason...everything's changed!" Michael, as I walked into the laundry room, after getting home, there was yr mother, holdind a bottle of SUDZ, wearing one of thoze flowered blouses she likes 2 wear. She sed, "Hello there!" And she seemed a little baffled as I threw my armz around her! Because I was so happy not 2 B Anthony or Thérèse, C? What's that, Mike? Oh, yes, of course U're busy & U have deadlinez & U have 2 get back 2 yr attic. Sorry 4 the interruption! Let me know, O--Mike? Hello? Hmmm, I guess we were disconnected.

So, w8 a bleepin' minute. Dad thot that Anth an' T. seemed like "such a perfect couple"? When? When they were engaged and he was going out on romantic d8s with Liz? When they had a fite over Liz during their wedding? When T. didn't want 2 have a baby, but A. convinced her she shd, & promised he'd take on all the baby-care? When T. was preggerz & they had a fite over Liz @ the NYE party? When Anth told Mike that T. didn't C NE glass ceilingz @ work, just mirrorz, & she likes what she seez? When A. went 2 Lakeshore Landscaping 2 collect Liz & tell her 2 w8 4 him, like w8 out his marriage? Geez, Dad really wasn't paying attention 4 1 flying second, now was he? I hope he an' Mom Rn't that kinda perfect!

Ger, I had loads of fun w/U last nite, even tho U got all scared 2 dance & bummed abt Becky dumping Drew, & then strangely aroused when Marjee & Becks both kissed Howard after Howard and Becky got Viking-engaged. Congrats again, Becks and Howard. Becks an' I have started making planz 4 the big engagement party. Ger sez he wants 2 B a "Viking authenticity" consultant, but Becky isn't sure she wants him 2 do that.

Ger & I R meeting Dunc & Zed @ Horny T's this afternoon, around 1, in case NE1 wants 2 join us!

Apes

Gah, a CAR is not a GIRL!

Doodz, in case U R wondering Y I am up so early, it's Dad & his dumb story abt Gordo, Anthony, and the Bushwhacker trade. He actually grabbed a bullhorn this morning an' was all, "Elly Patterson! April Patterson! Report to the living room post haste! And by that, I don't mean NEthing abt mailing letters! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, spltttt!" At first Mom an' I ignored him, but he was v. v. persistent, so B4 long we'd dragged our tired arses 2 the living room, & Dad was standing there w/a manuscript. He was all saying he'd written out a draft of his Bushwhacker-buying chapter 4 his [frightfully boring] memoirz & he wanted an audience 2 hear the whole thing. So, OMG, U guessed it, I had 2 hear everything again. From the mo he showed up @ Mayes Midtown Motorz & Everything Emporium thru yesterday'z Anthony line abt responsibilities. Then, there was this:

As I stood there in the lot, next to the Crevasse sedan, the inimitable Gordon Mayes sauntered over to me, asking, "What do U think of the car, John?" I was glad to have the change of subject. "She's sweet, Gordon! She goez like a bat and she soundz like music. I'm gonna trade!" Gordon pointed a finger at me, from an oddly spindly-looking hand, and told me, "I'll get the paperwork ready, and U can drive her off the lot." I smiled, but as I walked back 2 my beloved Bushwhacker, my heart felt heavy. I thot, "Well, girl...it's time 2 say farewell. U've been gd 2 me, but I'm moving on. Take care of yrself... And, thanx 4 everything." Then, I had the oddest feeling that Bushwhacky was giving me a sad, sad look. Like mayB she was going 2 start divorce proceedingz & tell ppl abt her responsibilities. And I thot, "Don't look @ me like that. I feel bad enuf already!"

Mom broke in then with, "John! If I didn't know NE better, I'd think U had more love and affection 4 that old rusttrap than U did 4 me!" Dad went all quiet 4 a sec & looked kinda misty-eyed. And Mom was, all, "John, this is yr cue 2 tell me I'm B-ing ridiculous, & of course U don't have more love and affection 4 an old car than 4 yr beloved wife and partner in life." Dad was like, "What? Oh, yes, of course, Elly, that goez w/out saying, so I wasn't even going 2 say it!" And he started 2 laff, but Mom shot him one of her scaree looks, so he stopped. I was, like, "Dad, U know, calling a car 'she' & 'girl' soundz st00pid and creepee!" And Dad was all, "Oh, April, it's a guy thing. I wdn't xpect U 2 understand!" And Mom was, like, "Yeah, I never cd understand that, either." Then Dad was, like, "Ladies, the chapter isn't over. Next in the saga of John Patterson's Great Bushwhacker-Crevasse trade of ott-six--" But then there was this gr8 big "SNOZZZZZ!!!!" sound, & it was Mom snoring. Dad tried jabbing her back awake again, but it was no use. ::sigh:: I guess U will all end up hearing more abt this dull, dull story again 2morrow. But I hope then Dad will be all dun w/it.

Becks, U really wanna do a Viking engagement w/Howard, eh? Wow, w/yr Dad, there R so many wayz this can go horribly wrong. Hope it doesn't, tho.

Jeremy, that's so cute that Dirne dressed up as a pizza boy so she cd C U. But wow, it soundz like it'll B hard 2 w8 & act cool while she d8s other guyz. And that convo U had w/her abt w8ing, it soundz oddly familiar.

Apes

No wallowing in the past, eh?

Gah, will this Anthony stuff nev end, Dad? This morning, Dad was all, "April, R U feeling OK this morning? U were passed out 4 a pretty long time last nite fr. all that smoke inhalation. Is my little buddy under the weather? Just say the word, and I'll call off school 4 U and U can spend the day with me @ the clinic, hearing more about Anthony. Like how he told me, 'the good news is, I'm in control now. I can start 2 rebuild my life & get on w/it!'" I started 2 say "No, th--" but he interrupted me, "And how he continued, 'I've started divorce proceedings, I've hired sum1 2 help w/the baby & I'm going 2 recover.' And how I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder just as he sed, 'There'z stuff 2 do. And stuff 2 learn--my new job is a challenge, so I can't go wallowing abt in the past!' And how I told him, 'I admire yr attitude. U've got a lot of courage.' And how he modestly contradicted me, 'I don't have a lot of courage, John. I have a lot of responsibilities.' So just say the word, April, and no school 4 U 2day!" And I was all, "No, really, 'Pop', that'z v. v. kind of U but I really don't wanna miss school. We're doing Catcher in the Rye in English class, & I really don't wanna miss out!" So Dad was, like, "Well, OK. If U R sure. By the way, Macbeth sure did go horribly wrong last nite, eh?" And instead of saying "No shit, Sherlock", I was all, "Yeah, it really did. Mirabell came pretty close 2 strangling Mike. That was awesum!" And Dad was all, "Did U just say it was awesum that sum1 nearly strangled yr brother?" And I was, like, "Dad, I think yr hearing is going. I sed "awful", not "awesum". And he was, like, "OK." But doodz, that was so awesum, wasn't it?

Oh, & back 2 Anthony--I hope he takes his own advice abt not wallowing in the past--meaning he doesn't try 2 get back w/Liz, his high-school gf!

Jeremy, Dunc, Zandra, Dirne, it soundz like U R all OK. Eva, pls post & let us know how U R. Becks, that was way cube that Frexfaxi helped so many ppl get outta the cafetorium. Ugh, of course now we hafta eat in the gym until the cafetorium is fixed up again.

Jeremy, I'm sorry 2 hear Dirne's 'rents made her dump U. That is so harsh! Speaking of harsh, I guess it's a step in the rite direction that Becky's dad isn't trying 2 force her 2 marry Ger NEmore, & that he now thinx it's OK 4 Ger 2 marry me. Tho it's not cube that he'z assuming I'll just B Ger's 1st wife, meaning it won't last. First & only, Bubba! And I'm not a trickster! Tho ppl who try 2 get Howard 2 marry their daughter, they R tricksters!

Apes

Loser!

At brekkie this morning, Mom was trying 2 organize her notes, but she cdn't concentr8 v. well cuz Dad was yammering on & on abt his "memoirs" again. This time he was going on abt the power of "listening", how sumtymez U just really hafta get all quiet & give sum1 a good listen while they tell U all that's going wrong in their life. He said,

In the next part of my memoir, in the section where I trade in my Bushwhacker, I'm going 2 tell abt how Anthony and I were standing outside. The light had a weird effect that placed our bodies in complete shadow for a moment, as Anhony told me, "She [Thérèse] sed I cd have the house. She sed I cd have the baby." That's when we got out of our shadowy state. Anthony continued, "As if our daughter was sumthing 2 give away. She sed I was the 1 who wanted a house and I was the 1 who wanted a baby--and now I had it all. ...She sed I won." He paused, cast his eyes down sadly (as I returned to shadow), and sed, "But, I feel like such a loser." Elly, note here that I didn't say a thing during all this. I just listened. Listen, listen, listen. Elly, would U say it's important 2 B a good listener?

An' Mom looked up from her notes all, "What? Oh, yes, sure, good listener. Important." And went back to her notes. Dad was kinda hmphy an' "Well, I know Everett's going 2 want 2 hear all abt this when I get 2 the clinic!" And he was off.

Memo 2 Anthony: It's good that U feel like a loser. First step to recovery is admitting U have a prob, eh?

Howard, it's so weird that yr auntie had that precognition thingy abt May 12. Cuz I had one 2, & it was v. v. similar, xcept in mine, it wasn't that the thingz she described happed on May 12. It was that I hadta hear my Mom telling abt thoze events. And in my version, it was part of a longer story she'd been telling @ least for 4 dayz B4 then, & mayB even longer! My vision made me shudder! I wonder what-all that means!

So, like the big opening nite of "The Scottish Play" is 2nite. Wish us "break a leg", eh?

Hm, so now little Rosemary is in luv w/Ger b-cuz she now seez him as this big ol' Viking stud. I M starting 2 think Becky's dad is a v. v. v. bad influence, yo!

Apes

Liez 2 Honest Guys

OMG, shoot me. Shoot me now! I heard the whole Gordo-Anthony car-trade/soap opera again! K, so this time, Mom was sitting w/Connie @ the kitchen table & they were talkin' abt the writing class again. Mom'z already dun the photo/memory assignment, an' she was all giving Connie suggestionz abt what Connie shd write. "Connie, U know what U shd use? A picture of Lawrence from 1993, when he came out of the closet. U cd write abt how difficult it was and how much we, yr dear friends & neighbourz, helped U all thru it! & U cd go in2 how U named yr dog 'Sera' for 'que sera sera'!" Connie looked annoyed & I think she was abt 2 tell Mom off (that wda been so cube!), but just then (of course) Dad ambled over 2 them, all "Ladies! U R discussing yr craft again! I'll have U know that U've inspired me 2 pen my own memoirs! Tho I suppose 'pen' is the wrong word, since I'll eventually use the 'box' 2 write theze babies out. So I guess I'll 'ticka-tappa' my memoirz, eh? But NEway, I've started 2 use this microrecorder 2 sort out my thots. I've started w/my recent trip 2 Mayes Midtown Motorz 2 trade in the cherished Bushwhacker." (I'm pretty sure I saw Connie roll her eyez @ Mom when Dad sed this.) "Here, ladies, listen." Then he snapped that thing on & I hadta hear EVERYTHING ALL OVER AGAIN! (I was having brekkie during all this.) Then there was a new bit he'd added:

As we left the restaurant, I asked Anthony, gently, "Yr wife has moved out?!" And poor Anthony, he told me, "There'z been sum1 else 4 quite a while. --Sum1 she works with. She rented and furnished an apartment w/him. Last week, she packed her thingz & left. If I think abt it, the signz were everywhere. But...I never suspected a thing. She alwayz had xcuses--and I believed everything she sed!" At this point we were standing outside, gazing at the giant pine tree on the horizon. I put my hand on Anthony's back, in a reassuring gesture, and told him, "It's easy 2 lie 2 an honest guy."

That's when I sed, "Oh, like when U told Anthony U were proud of him?" And Dad was, all, "No! I am proud of Anthony!" And he started 2 tell me Y he'z proud, but I told him I was in a huge, huge hurry 2 get 2 school, & I got myself outta there as fast as I cd.

Becks, yikes on seeing Gordo squeezed in2 spandex. Did U hafta wash yr eyez & brain after that?

Apes

General Anthony Movin' Up, Evil Quebecoise Movin' Out

Doodz, I M sooooo sorry this is l8! Yesterday, I thot I'd left my fone sumwhere, but l8r on, Zandra found a threatening e-mail fr. her lil bro Charles Wallace, mentioning he'd lifted it & was holding it ransom! So I didn't get a chance 2 sit down & write this post till I had a free & cd do it in the school library.

NEway, my Dad's lost it. MayB it's cuz my mom's doing all this "creative non-fiction" now. He totally thinx he hasta write his memoirz, & peeps will B sooooo interested in his life. So this morning, he was sitting in the kitchen talking in2 one of those micro-recorder doohickies. All, "Memoirs of John Patterson, DDS. Trading in my baby, the Bushwacker." Then, I hadta hear the whole Gordo-Anthony narrative again B4 he got 2 his newest installment! If U think this stuff is dull the first time U find out abt it, try hearing it a few times or more! NEway, cuz I luv U all, I won't rehash the old stuff, just pick up where we left off on Sat.

Anthony is such a fine, fine yung man! What a shame he and Liz had to break things off when they did. There is just something about Anthony that I like, like, like! So we were having our coffee in the restaurant @ Gordon's complex, and I told him how I'd heard he was in charge of the garage, the store and the restaurant. And that Gordon had made him General Manager. Then, in a verbal sleight of hand comparable only to me, Anthony said, "I'm the manager, but I'm not much of general." Ha, see what he did there?!? Too bad you don't hear that kind of thing from the young folks more often! I'm sure I had a great big grin on my face when I said, "I'm proud of U, Anthony. U've put a lot in2 this place! U've moved up!--What does Thérèse think?" Suddenly, Anthony looked sad and said, "I don't know, John. ...She's moved out." Hmm, this is all very sad, but I'm sure I can do something uplifting with the "moving up/moving out" contrast. Must give this sum thot.

Then, he clicked off his recorder & noticed me 4 the 1st time. "Oh, April! U still have thoze 2 black eyez I mistook 4 goth makeup! Do U feel OK?" & I told him I did but I was stopping off @ the salon B4 school so Marjee cd conceal my black eyez w/theatrical makeup.

After school, the dram club has a major rehearsal for Mac--er, "The Scottish Play", so I've got my guitar 4 the official musical run-thru. The play goez on Wednesday evening, peeps!

Becks, I'm glad the Gordo-fostering thing is going better than U thot. U will hafta tell us how he doez w/ the yoga an' pilates, LOL! Oh, & I'll bet U wda totally kicked his arse in Monopoly if he hadn't had that wussy panic attack!

Apes

My accidental slapstick!

I was just fulla bad ideaz this morning. 1st, I put on an awful yellow croptop w/a floral pattern & a pair of blue-an'-black striped gaucho pants w/a yellow tie-on belt. I shd never get dressed in the dark. B4 coffee. Then, I brot the dogz out & put on my rollerbladez. I thot it wd B fun 2 let the dogz B, like, sled dogz. Which worked pretty well until they ran on either side of a fire hydrant, causing me2 collide w/the hydrant, lose my grip on the leashes, & land on my arse, which was being esp. wide this morning. I h8 wide-arse dayz! So there, I was, legz up in the air, big droplets of water shooting outta my head, my mouth wide open while I screamed out, "" Then, when I got up, I thot, "Dogz ...they do the DUMBEST thingz!!!" & while the dogz looked on w/st00pid xpressions on their faces, esp. ratdog Dixie, w/that ugly notsheltie mug of herz, I realized that I'd sumhow gotten 2 black eyez! Weird! Then, Jeremy & Dirne walked over 2 me, an' Jeremy was, all, "April! R U OK? U have 2 black eyez!" And Dirne whispered sumthing in2 Jeremy's ear, & Jeremy was, like, "No fashion advice unless she asks, remember?" And I sed, "Yeah, Dirne, I know, got dressed in the dark. I'm gonna go change & then burn theze." Dirne was, like, "But of course! Jeremy, let's go along so we can supervise the disposal of those unfortunate clothes."

So, we all went back 2 my house where I changed my clothes, choosing 1 of the cute outfits Dirne helped me put 2gether during our shopping @ Luxurion yesterday. Dad tried 2 tell more of his Gordo-Anthony story, but Dirne sed, "I'm sorry, Dr. Patterson, but I must officiate over the disposal of sum fashion-don't clothing items." Dad was, like, "Oh, OK, another time, then." So we burned the clothes over @ Dirne'z house. Now we're @ Horny T's & I can C Dunc just walked in.

L8r,

Apes

Dad an' Anthony R made 4 ea other!

Ah, Saturday! No school, still got another day of weekend after this one. Love Saturday!

So, this morning when I came downstairz 4 brekkie, Connie Poirier & my mom were sitting @ the kitchen table w/a buncha pix spread out. Mom was all stressing over an assignment she has online 4 that writing class she an' Connie R both taking. They hafta describe a photo that brings back sum kinda memory & tell abt the memory. Mom was all, "What abt this one w/baby April hanging from Farley's ears? Or Lizzie standing in the toilet? Or Mike stealing a cherry from a cake? Or, or, or--" And Connie was all, "Elly, relax! Just pick one, it's not that big a deal!" Then Dad strolled in2 the room, all, "Ladies! I think it's delightful that you've got this little class of yours to help keep you occupied, but really I don't see Y U think U need a college course 2 learn about storytelling! Stick with me, I know how to tell a story!" He poured himself a cup of coffee, sat down, and wouldn't U know it, but he told the whole friggin' story I've been sharing w/U all, abt Gordo, the Bushwhacker trade, & Anthony, plus a bit more. Rescue me, yo!

So, after he got 2 the part abt Anthony getting the rum-flavoured javalava, Dad told Mom & Connie that he commented 2 Anthony, "This isn't a coffee shop NEmore, Anthony. It's B-come a very nice restaurant." Which seemz like a v. odd thing 2 say, don't U think? And it's not even 25% as nice as it was when Howard was the chef there. But I guess Tracey's dropped the whole "German" theme & made it in2 more standard diner fare. Dad sed that Anthony started 2 go on abt "When they developed the land across the street, bizness went up over 100%." Hm, 4 the car salez, the garage, the restaurant, the convenience store, or the (fill in the blank w/whatev other biz the Gordo empire has we don't know abt yet)? Or a mix? Then, Anthony was, all, "We don't want 2 xpand 2 far 2 fast--but Gordon has a lot of planz!" And Dad told him, "Ahhh...the sweet smell of success!" And Anthony showed how he & Dad R totally meant 4 each other, taking sumthing figurative an' getting all literal: "Nope! --it's cinnamon bunz! Do U want 1?" My Mom was all grinning, going "I've alwayz like Anthony, John! He's always reminded me of U!" And Dad was totally, "Y thank U, Elly, he'z a fine yung man!" And I was getting the espresso machine going, saying, "If he's yung, Y does he look as old as the hillz?" And Connie was, like, "Milborough." Mom was, like, "April, I don't know what U have against Anthony. I mean, Gerald sort of reminds me of Anthony!" And I was like, "Girl, please! Gerald reminds U of Anthony?" Dad was all, "Ladies, ladies! I haven't even gotten 2 the best part of the story!" Connie & I xchanged these panicky looks like "God, R we trapped?" Then, Connie was all, "April! No, U don't wanna put ordinary Horny T's coffee in that espresso machine! U come over next door, I've got some of the good stuff! Plus, I need your help with sumthing! Sorry, John, Elly, I need 2 borrow yr teenager!" And Dad was all, "Well, don't hurry!" And Mom laffed w/her tung hangin' out. So, I'm typing this on Connie's computer, drinking a delish trip-shot of espresso. Connie'z pretty cube.

So, last nite Paul got in2 a bit of a posting argument w/the anonymous poster who'd left the suggestion abt me hitting on Anthony as a joke. Paul, I don't think it's creepy that U read my blog & post 2 it often. I like yr posts. Anon, I don't think I'm gonna pretend-hit on Anthony cuz I'd have 2 hard a time disguising how much he givez me the heebee-jeebeez.

Howard, Marjee, Ger & I had fun hangin' w/U 2 @ the Dbl-D pizza place. Thanx 4 tellin' us abt that movie. Ger'z, like, "Nah, 2 much of a chick flick", even tho he thinx Jen Aniston is hott.

Apes

Aw, Dude, ANTHONY?

When I came downstairz 4 brekkie 2day, Dad was on the phone w/Mike. U know the partz I've already told U of this "Dad goez 2 Mayes Midtown Motorz 2 trade in the car U thot he'd already traded" story? OMG, I had 2 hear them all. over. again. But this time w/a whole lot of "Isn't that great, Mike?" kinda stuff. Then he got 2 the next part he hadn't told me, yet, and I totally didn't even wanna know, but Dad was totally using his OUTDOOR VOICE 2 tell this story. He was, all,

"So, Mike, I was standing there looking @ the sedan Gordon had left me with. Gordon! what a gr8 guy! Then, I heard a familiar voice say, 'John! U bout a new car!' It was Anthony! And I told him, 'Not yet. I'm just test driving her. She'z a nice little machine, tho, Anthony. I'm tempted!' And Anthony said, 'I can C Y!' Then, Anthony asked, 'Got time 4 a coffee? We put in a self-service station 2 speed thingz up a little.' Then, Mike, the joke was on us, because there was a row of those self-serve machines, each with a different type of roast indicated on top, and a list of flavours 2 choose from down the front. And on a sign, there were a list of silly coffee and tea names that gave me a distinct feeling of déjà vu 4 the coffee offerings @ the restaurant in the Spigott bldg where I have my practice! Sum1 in this town seemz 2 think specialty coffeez & teaz R funny. 4 xample, sum of the optionz @ this self-service station were excremeo, javalava, mocaroca, queenbean, and lotsafroth. The optionz listed on the fronts of machines were vanilla, hazelnut, mocha, amaretto, and RUM, Michael! RUM! I had a vanilla mocaroca and Anthony had a rum javalava. I didn't ask. So, let me tell U the next thing that happened, my boy! What's that? Oh, U have 2 run off? Well, that's OK, I'll fill U in with more detailz l8r! Take care! Kisses 2 Dee and the kidz!"

Like my title sez, aw, dude, ANTHONY? Yeah, I know he worx 4 Gordo, but, aw, geez, no. And BTW, what is it w/guyz referring 2 carz as "she"? If yr vehicle ain't got a vulva, then shut up w/the "she" stuff, eh?

An anonymous poster left this suggestion in yesterday's comments: "know what would be fun? If for a goof you started flirting with Anthony. His marriage is a wreck anyway, and you could totally mess with the heads of the whole family." Hm, whattaya think? Wd this B funny? I cd go 4 sum funny, & I'll bet lotsa ppl cd. But I'd hafta make sure Ger was OK w/this joke.

Well, gotta motor!

Apes

A sports car AND a wagon?

LOL! Dad told me that when Gordo took him out 2 C that Crevasse sedan, the "4X Turbo", he told Dad, "She's a sports car & a wagon!" Isn't that sort of like saying "He's a dork and the coolest guy ever"? Is this a special sales technique, Gordo? Total lying but what U think the customer wants 2 believe? So, Gordo told him, "5 on the floor, scoop and spoilr--and enuf space in the payload 2 haul a band saw!" Car talk. It's like a foreign lang 2 me. Gordo showed "Pop" a notepad, all, "Here'z what I can do w/the trade-in and....yr discount." Dad tellz me there was this definite pause B4 "yr discount", like pausing 4 maximum effect, eh? Dad wanted 2 think abt it, so Gordo was all, "I'll leave U 2 alone 4 a while." L8r, Gordo sed that when Dad got in & sat behind the wheel, he thot, "I don't sell carz...I sell relationships."

And that's the l8est installment Dad told me over brekkie. Then his beeper went off & he had 2 leave 4 a dental emergency. I think sum1 tried 2 eat a telephone directory.

Apes

I thought *I* was his baby!

Dad wanted 2 tell me more abt his fascinating visit w/Gordo 2 do the car-trade we all thot he'd dun already. Since, like, he already told Mike that Gordon was giving him a deal on a 'vASSe sedan. This convo happed @ Gramp's b-day celebration last month. NEway, don't feel bad if U're all "the heck", cuz I so am, 2. Or @ least I was till Howard posted yesterday abt sumthing my Mom told him when she went 2 the salon. It sumhow is connected 2 Mom calling up "she who must not be named" up in Corbeil and getting her 2 unerase Josh the geek god. Who, by the way, is in total geek heaven d8ing Avery, the skinny, blonde wanna-B A-girl. So, like, Mom told Howard, "when someone who was erased a long time ago is unerased, it means a lot of things change." It seemz there R, like, major shifts in the space-time continuum, & thingz that have happed haven't, & certain thingz that haven't happed sumhow did. Like @ 1 time, Connie had been married 2 Lawrence's dad. But after L's dad was unerased, he'd never married Connie, just, like, knocked her up in Brazil. & Milborough usta B called Eastgate, but unerasing L's dad made the town's name change! When theze unerasing-related changez happ, it totally messes w/my Mom'z brain, cuz she can remember both versions of our reality. She sez that's the real reason she messed up on Miranda Anderson's (Dunc's mom) name & Nigel Anderson's (Dunc's dad) profession.

NEway, back 2 Dad & Gordo. Dad told me that when he sed he wanted 2 trade in the st00pid ol' Bushwhacker, Gordo got a big "shock" face & was all, "U're trading in the Bushwhacker? --But...she's yr BABY!" & Dad sed he sighed. I was, like, "'Pop', I thot I was yr baby!" & he was like, "Yeah, yeah, figure of speech!" & I was, like, "OK, but don't try 2 trade me in, eh?" He laffed w/his tung out, & I hadta wipe my face w/a paper towl cuz of the spittle. Ick. So Gordo told Dad abt giving him a "good deal" on a Flashpoint BRP 500 and a "nice little crevasse" [sportscar] on the lot. Dad was all, "I shd go 4 sumthing more practical." And Gordo was all about how Dad's a "sports car guy" & that he luvs the "look the the ride--the feel of a sports car!!" Yeah, whatevz, Gordo. And Dad sed he "should" get sum kinda wagon. Gordo wanted 2 know Y, since Mom has one already, & Dad told him that Mom won't let Dad use her 'vASSe 2 haul junk. & Gordo was all, "Oh."

And by now U've prolly fallen asleep fr boredom. Dad was gonna go on, but there was this big racket outside, a car going "HONK-HONK-HONK! HONK-HONK-HONK!" I looked outside & saw Dunc waving fr. the backseat of a car, w/sum guy I didn't recognize sitting in front & honking. I didn't know what that was all abt, but since I wanted 2 get away from the most boring story of the year (so far), I pretended I did, all, "Gotta go, 'Pop', that's my ride", & grabbing my guitar & bookbag. Dad was, like, "April! Isn't it awfully early?" & I was, like, "Yeah, we have drama-club bizness!" & I motored outta there s00per-fast.

It turnz out the guy driving was Zandra's Uncle Arne. Zed's little brother was in front. He sed, "My turn 2 ride shotgun!" even B4 NE1 xplained 2 me what was up. Dunc was in the back w/Zandra, all, "Apes, get in, no time 2 xplain!" & I hadta squeeze in2 the backseat w/Zandra, Dunc, & my guitar. Now we R actually @ the Valhalla, where Arne has been showing us his magic tricks illusions. He sed he needed 2 watch sum teenage B-haviour while practicing 2 get sum more ideaz 4 the anti-teen portion of his act. When we're dun, he'z gonna take us all 2 school. Zandra just keeps shaking her hed & saying "H8. H8, h8, h8." & I was, all, "My fam'z freekee, 2, so don't feel 2 bad!"

Apes

Oh, come ON!

Dad was doing the Gordo talk more this morning, & now I'm confused. U C, he started by telling me how Gordo was blathering on abt how Mom an' Dad alwayz had faith in him & were alwayz there when he needed advice. And how he'll never B able 2 repay them 4 "that investment". And Dad told him how they've enjoyed being "part of his success" &, like, he'z worked hard 2 get where he is, with "honesty, integrity, & good service." Dad sez Gordo, like, interrupted him, all, "John...is there sumthing I can do 4 U 2day" while looking over his glasses like an ol' schoolmarm from a cheezy movie. & Dad was all "Ive come 2 trade in my Bushwhacker." & that's where I get all WTF cuz supposedly while Mom & Dad were in Mexico, Dad "made arrangements w/Gordo 2 trade in his car." So Y is it suddenly like that never happed? So confused. I tried asking Dad about this, but he was all "April, U just don't understand how these things R dun in Milboro."

Mom had sum embarrassment yesterday w/Dunc's mom, Miranda Anderson. Like, a rellie of Dunc's in Barbados, Perdita Davis, is taking the writing course as a distance-ed class, and she'd posted an intro message @ that message board they use. Then Mom posted asking if she knew the Andersonz (she hadn't mentioned them in her 1st post), only instead of "Miranda", Mom wrote "Melanie", cuz, like, she was thinking abt Ger's mom, Melanie Forsythe. And Mrs. Anderson called Mom, offended that she cdn't get her name rite after all theze yrs of knowing her. But they got that str8ened out & now they're OK again.

So I've got my guitar w/me 2day again, cuz I hafta play sum music samplez 4 Mirabell @ the dram-club mtg after school. I've been practicing thoze TV-theme songz Zandra rec'ed, so we'll C how thingz go.

Howard, I can't help thinking it's a bad idea 2 keep stirring up the teen h8 the oldiez have in this town. It can only lead 2 sumthing bad!

Apes

Gordo Pays Homage

I swear, there is nothing my 'rents enjoy more than sum1 who is willing 2 kiss sum major Patterson butt. & U totally know that w/my mom an' "pop", there'z no other kinda butt-kissing, eh? Dad was all anxious 2 resume that story he started tellin' me Saturday abt Gordo, & I was having my espresso & trying 2 wake up. So he was all, "I told Gordon that he'z got quite a bizness there, and Gordo was kind enuf 2 say, 'It's been w/yr help, John. If U & Elly hadn't invested in me, I wd never have come this far. The garage wdn't have dun so well, I wd never have bought this dealership....' I stopped him there w/'We mite have invested sum savings, but--' And he cut me off w/'I'm talking abt faith--not finances!' April-buddy, I can't even begin 2 tell U how touched I was! U know how much yr mother and I luv 2 help our children'z friends in NE way they can!" I was, like, "In that case, can U give Dunc a ten-spot so he can buy..." Dad was all, "Oh, April, U R so funny! I'm talking about Mike and Liz's friends, of course, not silly teenagers! Between Mayes Midtown Motors and Lakeshore Landscaping, Elly and I have set the foundation for a whole generation of Milborough landmarks. That's the kind of good work we like 2 do! And nothing is more gratifying than when the recipients of our noblesse oblige give us our proper credit! So, let me tell U the next part of this story!"

Just then, Mom came rushing into the room, all "April! My computer's seized up and I'm trying 2 do my homework 4 the writing class! Can U call yr friend Josh? And I was, like "Josh who? What R U talking abt?" & Mom was all, "Josh. Yr friend the 'geek god'. U had him come over back in September of 2004 when I had spent 12 hrs on a complicated marketing project only 2 have the computer eat it. Of course, he wasn't able 2 help me, & I got off on the fact that I was rite abt my data being lost, but mayB he can help now." I sed, "Mom, I still don't know what U R talking abt. I don't remember NE Josh." And Mom was, all "Oh, no. Lynn, tell me U didn't!" & she grabbed the phone & dialed. I'm all, "???" And then I hear her going, "Lynn? It's Elly. No, I'm fine, other than the usual endless menopause, cellulite and potato nose, but I won't go in2 that all w/U, as it does no good. I'm calling about April's "geek god" friend from September 2004. U didn't, by NE chance, erase him did U?" Mom was listening 2 the other end 4 a bit, then "Lynn, Y? " [pause] "What do U mean U didn't think we'd need him? U know I'm hopeless w/the 'box', of course I'm gonna need tech support. What? No, no way am I calling Steph the web designer, not on Easter Monday, U know if I did that she'd get all grumpy and end up giving my May letter a bad edit. Lynn, could U just unerase Josh? Great, thanks!"

Then Mom was all, "Here, call Josh. You remember him now, don't U?" & I'm all, "Of course I do, Y wdn't I?" And she sed, "U didn't know who he was two minutes ago." I'm like, "Rite. Mom, I know a little abt peeps being erased. I had no idea U were able 2 get them unerased so easy." Mom was all, "I have a special relationship with Lynn. But don't get NE ideas, I can't cash in on it 2 often, or else she gets pissed @ me & I end up w/a nose the size of Saskatchewan, an arse the size of Nova Scotia, and hot flashes like the fires of H-E-dbl-hockey stix. Now call Josh." So I did, & he's here now helping Mom.

Becks, I heard U were in the Easter Parade in the Beaches nabe of Toronto, lookin' all cube wearing sunglasses. Tell us the deets of how that happed, eh?

Eva, sorry abt yr upset yesterday. I've got chockies if U wanna come over. & speaking of coming over, woot, day off! Love Easter Monday!

Apes

Sugar Rush

So, after last nite's xcitement, Howard & Marjee finally got 2 Howard's Aunt Winnie & Uncle Melville's place (the apartment under Mike an' Dee). They stayed overnite 2 spend Easter there. And this morning, Howard called me, all

"April, U will not believe the terrible racket we heard coming from your brother and sister-in-law's place this morning. I could have sworn a 300-lb rabbit were bounding around up here, though I'd hope it wouldn't be the electrified variety! We could tell someone was jumping, bouncing, hopping, no only all across the floor, but also up onto and across the furniture! Then, my aunt led Marjee and me to a spot near a vent, where you can hear everything that's said up there, and I could hear your brother saying, 'Don't tell me', and your sister-in-law responding, 'Yes--she at a whole chocolate rabbit!!' My aunt said, 'Howard, you would not believe how typical that is. What do you figure those two so-called parents were doing when they should have been watching that girl. Why was she even able to get access to an entire chocolate rabbit?' Then we heard Dee saying, 'Michael, that was my stash! I'm going back out to Laura Secord to get more, eh?' And Mike said, 'Dee, do you really think you need more chocolate?' Then we heard tears. Anyway, Marjee and I thought you'd want to know."

Thanks for the scoop, Howard! I'm glad no1 was seriously hurt last nite & that when my dad's med-training kicked in, it pushed the punz aside 4 a while. It musta taken a lot of restraint not 2 toss thoze molotov cocktailz rite @ him when he was doing that, eh?

So after church, Ger'z gonna come over 4 Easter dinner. Shd B cube--I hope his stomach isn't 2 sore from all that punching his bro did yesterday.

Apes

Gordo Time

This morning @ brekkie Dad sed, "Oh, April! Did I tell U abt my recent visit 2 Mayes Midtown Motorz?" & I'm all, "No, but I have a feeling U R abt 2." & He sed, "Oh, April, U & yr teenage sarcasm! But listen, U'll like this story. I was telling Gordo abt how I thot yr mom wd rest after selling the store, but now she's cleaning out the entire house. And Gordo sed he can understand b/cuz they've been talking abt doing the same thing there, only there's never enuf time." I'm all, "Yeah, Dad, fascinating material, keep talking." & he's like, "There U go again, April! U're such a teen! So, Gordo told me, 'I want 2 organize the parts department, extend Anthony's office & redesign the convenience store, --but I haven't had time!' I told him, 'Well, when U're in bizness...time is money!' And he sed, 'Yep. The more U make...the faster it disappears!' Well, April-buddy, I thought that was pretty good, even tho it wasn't a pun, & I was happy 2 C that Gordo had a model ship in his office, up on those filing cabinets?" Just then, I saw Dunc @ the window, holding up a dbl dbl & waving 4 me 2 come outside. I was thinking, "Thank God 4 Dunc!" And I'm all, "Dad, gotta go, Dunc needs me!" And Dad's, like, "But I haven't finished my story!" And I was, like, "I know, Dad, & I'm all broken up abt that, but we'll have 2 save the rest 4 l8r, eh?"

So now I'm @ the Andersons' house. Jammin' w/that electric guitar Dunc holds 4 me. That guitar is sweet!

BTW, Mom is pissed that most of the students in her creative nonfiction class haven't signed up for the course's message board yet. And she's actually using the class's contact sheet to call them up & harass them to register! Mom's totally off the hook.

Yeah, Becks, I know what U mean abt trying 2 convince yr dad abt NEthing WRT his unborn baby, genetics & logic. I hope that if Thora births a normal-sized baby, he doesn't freak & accuse her of having sum other d00d's kid. Tho U know he totally wd. @ least there'z DNA testing, eh?

Apes

Slides and Nostalgia

Mom had that class last nite, the one Vicki's mom teaches. This morning, Mom was kinda bragging that she was the first student in the class to post to their course message board. Then she got a bit anxious tho abt all their h'work assignments and she'z been scratching out a buncha notes that she mite turn into an essay. She left a ruff outline on the table. It looked like this:

Looking @ slides w/John

John: Oh, my gosh. --I'd forgotten about these slides.

(We are sitting on the floor, proj. betw us, both in our stocking feet.)

John: Michael in grade 2, Lizzie's 1st b-day, pictures of my parents, the canoe trip, Farley the dog...

(Farley the dog. Why did John say that? Does he think I've forgotten who Farley was?)

(Liz was so cute hugging Farley with her little button nose!)

John: There's you and me on the beach. We must have been in our 20s!

(I started to tear up a bit. ::sniff::)

John: Makes you feel a little nostalgic, doesn't it.

(No question mark. That was a statement.)

Me: ::sniff:: ...Uh huh. (Thinking: Look how thin I was!!! Now I'm fat and gross! I have a potato nose!)

Like I sed, she totally left theze notes out on the table, & this time they weren't even part of her journal, so I don't feel bad abt tellin' U what she wrote.

Howard, OMG, Drew's been acting like a slob, eh? But soundz like U set things rite a bit.

Apes

Puns Will Keep Them 2gether

So, Vicks, U know how my mom is in that creative non-fiction class yr Mom teaches @ the local college? Well, U prolly know that she hasta keep a journal. & I've gotta say I'm feeling real bad 4 yr mom cuz I think Elly Patterson is gonna bore her tearless. Mom left the journal out on kitchen table, open. Check out this entry:

Basement Cleaning

Finally, I'm retired, so I can do all those projects I've been putting off. Like cleaning and organizing that "bear" of a basement! Here's what I was thinking when I began this process: "These Christmas lights must be 20 years old...and why did I save this wallpaper? Jars, plastic containers, boxes, bags, a suitcase full of coat hangers...Pots, vases, slide projector, boxes of slides..." Then I paused, and began to grin. Who knew what hidden treasures lay within these old, forgotten slides? I thought, "BOXES OF SLIDES!!!" Yes, this particular thought ended with three exclamation points. Then, John appeared behind me, asking, "How's the cleaning out going?" And I looked over my shoulder, gave him one of those coy, coquettish looks he has always loved from me, and I said, "...I've been slide-tracked!" I could tell from the affection in his eyes just then that he loved this wry turn of phrase I'd summoned at a moment's notice. John is ever the punster, and typically he's the one mostly likely to spin out the wordplay. But he clearly loves it when someone else does it, too. I know that our delight in such things is one of the elements that makes our marriage so strong! That and his willingness to follow my instructions on important matters like towel folding.

Oh, gag! So, I guess puns will keep them 2gether, eh? Just do 'em away from me. And every1 else 4 that matter! Like I said, Vicks, feeling bad 4 yr mom & what she'z gonna hafta read 4 that class!

Apes

"Pop" Locks His Workshop

Oh, one thing I 4got 2 mention abt Mom this past Monday. B4 she made that gross brekky I didn't eat, she was sitting @ the table in her robe drinking coffee @ reading the paper. I asked, "U don't hafta go 2 Lilliput's 2day, hum?" Which I'm not sure Y I asked, since I thot Moira had taken over already, like ages ago, eh? And Mom was all, "Nope! It's my 1st day of retirement." Wha? Then what was w/all the "Under New Management" stuff? Don't worry, I looked in2 that. NEway, Mom went on, all, "I'm going 2 start cleaning this house. I'm going 2 go thru every drawer & every corner in every cupboard." Then she punched a fist in the air while being all, "I"m going 2 sort and organize and throw stuff out. --It's sumthing I've been wanting 2 do 4 YEARS!!" And I went 2 my dad, all "'Pop'...has mom wigged out?" And he was, like, "I don't know, --but I'm locking my workshop." Hmm, he never seemz 2 get that I'm being, like, ironic, when I use "Pop"--like it's a parody of all thoze old 1950s sitcoms from the states. Oh, well, it's still funny 2 me.

NEway, I stopped by Lilliput's yesterday afternoon & I asked Moira WTF was up w/Mom thinking that this past Monday was her first day of retirement, what w/the changez Moira already made & her "new management" sign from like 4ever ago. And Moira just kinda rolled her eyez & told me that my Mom had gone in2 denial, and in her befuddlement, she'd continued to show up 4, like, 5 minutes/day & convinced herself she was still in charge. "Really, it wasn't all that different from when she still was in charge of this store, April, so I didn't bother trying 2 disabuse her of her little delusion. And she even had sum lucid moments now and again when she seemed to realize we'd already changed handz. I figured she'd come around eventually. I just hope to God she doesn't forget. And get your dad to put those godawful trains back in."

So, like, Dunc asked me if I'd B willing 2 do sum music 4 Macbeth, er, sorry, "the Scottish play". I asked him what-all kinda music, & he sed he didn't know, but cd I come by rehearsal after school 2day w/my guitar. So I sed OK.

Jeremy, sorry 2 hear what happed w/Dirne. I don't think U were being st00pid, just honest. Dirne shda appreciated that. U shdn't ask sum1 their opinion if U Rn't willing 2 hear their real opinion, good or bad.

Becks, yikes, it's not cube that Drew made such a mess of yr gym, drank yr favourite drinx, & left all that disgusting laundry 4 poor Howard!

Apes

Whatevs, Boring-Elly!

After all that xcitement last nite, the last thing I needed this morning was a boring "Mom" story, but Mom was all abt telling me what she an' Dad discussed on their way home fr. the restaurant Sunday nite. Dad was all recappy w/"It's dun, Elly. U sold the bookstore." And Mom was all re-recappy, w/"Yes, it's over." Dad wanted 2 know whether she felt like the w8 of the world had been lifted fr. her shoulderz. As if. And Mom was, like, "Not really. I feel anxious, scared, energized, --as if I was starting a whole new life. There R classes 2 take, challengez 2 meet, thingz 2 accomplish...the list is endless!" Dad asked her what she was going 2 do 1st, & Mom was all "Clean out the basement." I was all, "Yeah, Ma, v. interesting. Have fun." Then I used the Macbeth excuse w/helping Dunc w/his linez 2 get away early again. Yesterday, when I sed sumthing abt the play 2 Dunc, like, "How're the Macbeth rehearsals goin'?" Dunc was all, "Shhhh! Don't let Mirabell hear ya say "Macbeth." It hasta B "the Scottish play." Cuz of the curse. "4 sum reason, he'z xtra superstitious on acct of yr bro." Hm, I wonder Y that is?

So, like, big ups 2 Howard & Becky, 4 their help w/the whole Gerald sitch. Howard was s00per smart w/his idea 4 me 2 pretend that Ger being all filthy was a big ol' turn-on. Man, was that tuff. It looks like the Forsythes R gonna lay off their trying 2 break us up and Get Ger & Becks 2gether. Thank God. Dr. F seemed v. impressed w/my "parental alienation." He decided that was, like, healthy coping considering my upbringing.

Apes

Soggy Toast?

I've got sum stuff 2 tell U abt my mom, but 1st I've gotta do a giant shout out 2 my s00per bf Gerald! Gerald, U totally stuck up 4 me 2 yr 'rents when they were trashing me 2 the Poirierz & talkin' abt setting U up w/Becks. I can't even tell U how good that makes me feel. I totally wish every1 wd get their heads around the idea that, like, I have free will & I don't hafta turn in2 an Elly. There's diet & exercise & rhinoplasty & lipo 4 the physical stuff, sheesh. But Gerald stood there & faced down the 'rents and told them he luvs me & wants 2 B w/me! Ger, U R soooooo getting 2 3rd base this yr!!! I wish yr 'rents cd, like, get 2 know me as a person & C I'm not like totally worthless just cuz I'm a Patterson. MayB after we finish reading The Sound and the Fury U can tell them abt my deep insite in2 lit! (BTW, I totally know about Allure magazine, U silly goose!!!)

So, like, it seemz Ger's parents and the Poirierz were @ the same restaurant as my parents & the Kinneys (Moira & her husband). They were @ this new Japanese place, Kabuki House. Here's what Mom told me abt the dinner, when she insisted on making soggy eggz 4 me this morning. She sed that Moira told her, "Elly, I'm so xcited. This is a dream come true 4 me. It really is!" And Mom was all, "I don't think I could have let it go 2 NE1 else, Moira--I know U'll do wonderful thingz." Then they all raised their glasses & Dad was, like, "2 the new owner of Lilliput's Books And Toys. May the success continue!" Then my Mom got up & so did Moira. And they hugged. Mom sed 2 me, "April! It was so touching! I was thinking, 'this toast comes w/tears', & I am pretty sure Moira was thinking the same thing!" And then, she started 2 snuffle & sob. And I looked @ the eggz she was making and I was, all, "That's v. moving, Mom, but I just remembered, I'm totally not hungry & I agreed 2 meet Dunc early 2 run his linez 4 Macbeth. It's not easy being king, U know!" And I gathered my books and dashed off quick.

2day I noticed Zandra Larson wearing a 1920s-looking hat that totally covered her hair. I wonder what that was about, eh? And I heard Zapata Henderson telling Zandra that Mirabell like recruited her @ the last min 2 B witch #2 cuz Keli Taylor has mono.

Jeremy, Dirne told me she picked out the shoez U've got on 2day, & that she'z v. proud of them. She sed, "April, when U C Jeremy, look @ his shoes!"

Apes out

You never know with Michael writers

I got another e-mail from Dee. Looks like she sent it last nite. Here's what she sez:

Hello, 'April'!

Just thought I'd 'drop' you a note and tell you a little 'story' about your 'brother'. 'Robin' and I went up to that 'attic' of Michael's to tell him about 'dinner' being ready, and right 'away', I could tell he was completely absorbed in that 'tick-tap tappitta tap tik tap tap tikka tap tick-a-tappita tik-tapp tick tap tick tapp tap tic tickata-tap tick tap-tap tappitaticka tapp tap tick tap tic tick tappita tick tap tik tickita tap-tap tick tap tick tick tap tick tap tick tap tap tick tickka tap' writing of his. So I decided to do a little 'test' to see how out of it he really 'was'. I said, "How's it going?" Without looking at me or stoping his 'tick tappita' crap, he said, "Uh huh." Then I said, "This is your wife speaking." Same response as above. Then, I tried, "Aliens have taken over the city." He tick-ticked and said, "OK." Then, I told him, "The sky has turned a dark red. People are fleeing their homes in terror." Michael: "Uh-huh." (tick tap) Me: "Power is being cut off. Highways are gridlocked." Michael: "That's nice." (tap tick tickka tap) Finally, I said, "Dinner's ready. If you're not at the table in 3 minutes, we'll eat without you." He said, "OK." But of course, I didn't know whether we'd see his face again tonight. But just as I was getting 'Robin' set up in his 'high' chair, your brother appeared, eyes on the food, grabbing at his chair to 'sit' down at the table with us. I was thinking, "Writers! ...You never know when they're listening!" And Merrie said, "Mommy, Attic Guy is here!" And I said, "'Meredith', he likes to be 'called' Daddy."

Anyway, April, I guess I 'know' what you must be thinking, based on some of your 'previous' comments on your 'real' blog. You're probably thinking this isn't a 'writer' thing, it's a 'Michael' thing. And if you are 'thinking' that, I must say, you 'have' a point. When I 'tell' myself these things about writers, I think I'm trying to make myself feel 'better' about my 'marriage'.

When you get a 'chance', please ask your friend 'Howard' whether his 'aunt' has said anything about the children playing a disturbing game called 'the ticka-tappa monster'. Just the other day, she 'knocked' at our apartment door and deposited the 'children' at my feet, shaking her head and saying, "Tell them there's no such thing as a 'ticka-tappa monster'."

Best,

'Dee'

Well, it's not hard to guess what the whole "ticka-tappa monster" thing is about, eh? But Howard might have more to say about this. And, yeah, it totally figures that the one thing that, like, got thru 2 Mike was food. Bet he ran rite back up 2 his hideaway the sec he finished his last bite.

Apes

Edit: Ger, if U R sure U wanna do a dbl d8 w/my 'rents, U R on. I M sure they'll luv it. Tho do U think Mr. McGuire really has enuf food that Elly Patterson and all the other customerz can do an all-U-can-eat buffet? I mean, U've seen my mom eat, eh?

Jeremy, I'm not mad @ Dirne, tho I was surprised abt her strong reactions abt thingz. She takes a lot of stuff v. seriously, I guess.

An Imaginary Apartment is a Happy Place

So. Monday in the hall, talkin' 2 Shannon. I was, like, "R U saying U have an imaginary apartment?" And Shannon was all, "Uh-huh. ...I go there...all the...time! Whenever...I...Need 2...get away...from every..body. That's ...where I go. It's...private an'...never...needs...cleaning...an' U don't pay...rent. If U feel hassled, April...get...yr own apart...ment. Get...a...really nice one. It's...easy! ...Just ...make ...one up! I'm telling U...man, it's...sure saved...my...sanity!" Then I was, like, "U know what, Shannon? U R brilliant!!" I put my arm around her as we were walking and sed, "And I'm not just making that up!!" Yesterday afternoon, when Shannon & Eva were going over sum basic rulez 4 hallway banter, Shannon was like, "BTW...April. Don't say 'I'm not ... just making that...up' rite after...U give sum...1 a compliment. Cuz if U do, ...peeps R gonna think ... U R making ... up yr com...pliments other timez. An' they'll nevr ...know when...they can believe U." And Eva was all, "It's true, Apes. That was v. v. uncube of U!"

Dang, Becks, sorry all thoze Mboro oldiez and middle-agiez went crayzee throwin' food @ U @ yr performance of that skit last nite. Yr dad's gotta rethink stirring up this town's teen-h8. U nev know how outta hand that mite go. We've gotta start thinkin' abt a "teenagerz R ppl 2" campaign or sumthing.

Howard, thanx again 4 the v. v. cube cooking lesson last nite. U R such a genius w/the cooking!

Apes

Shannon's Imaginary Apartment

So, like I started 2 tell U yesterday, after Becks gave me that CD Monday & walked off w/the 2 girlz who mite B tryin' 2 get her in trub or mayB just wanna B her BFF by giving her quiz answerz & essays, Shannon was headin' my way down the hall. When she got 2 me, I was looking @ Becky's CD, which is called "Rebeccah." Shan did this thing where she looks up @ U sidewayz, almost flirty, which I hafta ask her Y she does that, eh? & she was all, "Hi, April...How's...it...goin'?" And I was, all, "OK, Shannon. I've just got a lot on my mind rite now." Y am I alwayz sayin' that 2 her? It soundz all, like, dismissy. Shannon sed, "Me 2! I'm...goin' in2 a ...progr...amme 4...independent living....it's...where...they..teach...U how 2...live on yr...own!" Then she sed, "I've already...got an apartment. It's...got blue...walls...an'...a...couch...an' a big...TV, an'... a bedroom....with 2 curtains...with blue an' white...stripes. There's...a desk...4 my computer...an'...a screened...porch...an' a garden!" I was, like, "Soundz cool! Where is this place?" Shannon was like, "I'm...not sure...my imagination alwayz...gets...there B4 I do!" I was kinda disappointed cuz the apt sounded cube & I was abt ready 2 move in 2 get away fr. my crazy 'rents. Esp my mom, all retired & wanting 2 put in xtra "April time", like doing her own version of this Independent Living programme, tho I'm guessing not nearly as well.

Sumbody posting anonymously was all askin' Y I didn't invite Shannon 2 my b-day, all "I didn't C her". But I did invite her & she went. MayB this person saw sum pix of my b-day? Shan didn't show up in the pix, but then again, neither did Becks, Drew Fontaine, Jeremy, or Dirne, & they were all there 2. I guess U'll hafta ask the photographer Y thoze peeps were left out, eh?

Apes

Becky's True Friends

This past Monday, Becks came up 2 me in the hall @ school & was all, "Hey, April!" And I was all, "Hi, Becky." Then, she was, like, "I heard U were getting a new band 2gether! I'm glad! U guyz were OK. U got me started on my career, an' I'm moving up! But, that's how it goez rite?" Then she reached down in2 her bag & pulled out a CD, all, "Want 1 of my CD's? My Dad's my agent now--an' I'm getting 2 meet sum major music ppl! Jeremy Jones sez I'm gonna B famous.-- Sum ppl say I already am! ...But hey, --Don't worry..." Then two girlz showed up on either side of her while she was walking off, one waving a booklet w/"math quiz answers" on the front cover & another with a folder that had "essay" on the cover. Like they were trying really hard 2 get her trub, eh? & she closed her eyez, looked over her shoulder @ me, & I felt my eyez shrink down in2 little pinhole-sized dots while my mouth turned in2 a lil dash. And sum Peppermint Patty-lookin' girl clamored after the essay-holding girl who was sportin' a Dee bowlcut & round granny glasses. Just a sec B4 theze three girlz had been in the shadowz. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow person approaching behind me. This person was suspiciously Shannon-shaped. But, w8, I'm blanking on what happed next. I'll prolly tell U 2morrow, U know how I am w/the slow storytelling.

Apes

(Extreme) Band Makeover

So, once Eva started singing w/us during this past Sunday's practice, thingz just kinda fell in2 place & we had a really gr8 practice. We were all talkin' @ once, so I'm not even sure who sed what, but one of us was all, "That was an epic practice, Eva!" Sum1 else sed, "U've got the moves, girl!" And sum1 sed, "And U can definitely sing!" Eva was, like, "Thanks!" And "I wish I cd play keyboard." Dunc was all sorts of "No problem--there R other ppl we can try out!" Cuz I guess he got Gramps's memo. And I went, "It meanz changing our name." Dunc: "I'm cool with that. Is every1 on board 4 a total band makeover?" Then, all @ the same time, Ger, Dunc & I were shouting, "MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER!" Then my brain hadta go in2 st00pid "Patterson pun" mode, & I thot, "This is extreme." Y'know, like the TV show Extreme Makeover? Thank godfully, I only thot it & didn't say it out loud. 'Course now I'm admitting the whole thing, but still. Rite after I had that thot, I turned and noticed that Eva was giving Dunc the strangest look, like her eyez were nearly closed & she was half smirking & half smiling. And Dunc was staring at her, like he was sort of, I dunno, alarmed? And have U noticed Eva's been lookin' really diff l8ly? Tho I'm having a hard time remembering what she usta look like, 4 sum reason.

Howard, OMG, I can't believe that abt the Hell'z Angelz attacking the Valhalla & U, like single-Howardly beating 'em down! So scary! I M glad U R OK. Man, the odefoax in this town R so freakee 4 thinking those HA's were teenagers. Geezo! But I guess that's Y I heard sum oldiez referring 2 "Howard the Hero" & "Howard the Avenger" when I stopped in @ Mr. Singh's store yesterday afternoon.

Glad Becks is OK, 2!

Apes

Eva Sings and Plays the Racquet

K, so Eva came by 2 practice w/us Sunday, cuz as U mite remember, we'd set that up a few dayz B4. Jeremy was originally gonna jam w/us 2, but he had other stuff get in the way. I'll let him xplain. NEway, Ger musta 4got, cuz when I went to answer the door, Ger was all, "April invited Eva 2 our practice?" & Dunc musta 4gotten that we've all heard how good Eva's singing voice is, cuz he was, like, "Yeah. Apparently, she can really sing." Then Ger was all, "But we need a singer who can play keyboard, Man!" Cuz I guess he didn't get Grandpa Jim's memo about getting another musician. Then he added, "Eva plays... tennis!" That when Eva walked in & sed, "Hi, Guys!" & Dunc smiled @ her, saying, "What's wrong w/another stringed instrument?" & Ger looked on w/a kinda "D'oh" look while Eva sorta smirked.

Becks, U R rite, we really were smokin' when we were puttin' potion in our motion back when we performed as 4-Evah @ school in grade 8. Dunno Y Ger 4got that,eh? He's the one who was actin' all "pimp my girlz" w/us.

Apes

April Letters From My Fam

"My" letter (from the committee): LOL, U can C how they totally used old letterz 2 guess what "I" wd say if I wrote a letter. Like last yr, how I sed that stuff abt getting my hair cut. But U saw me yesterday, w/my hair same as alwayz, eh? The prop-bun curse still holds firm, yo!

And that stuff abt Liz xplaining thingz 2 me in a coupla diff ways. That isn't the first time U've seen that from me, eh? Nope check out my December 2005 letter:

Some of the math gives me trouble, but I ask Liz for help sometimes. She can describe the same process in two or three different ways, and most of the time if I don't understand something the first time, the second or third approach makes sense and I can figure it out.

So, like, this committee, besides thinking ppl R afraid of teenagers, they also think teenagers R, like, way redundant. & when was Dad's Bushwhacker ever cool? 1st Monday of Nevuary. And he's not just thinking abt trading NEmore, he's doing it. Keep up, committee! And these peeps sure thing I'm super-obsessed w/driving. Whatevs.

Now, on2 the otherz. I can't vouch 4 if the committee wrote NE of these. MayB Liz, Dee, or Mike will wanna write in & let U know if NEthing is "off" abt their letterz, eh?

Lizzie's letter: Yeah, like "Boozhoo" to you, too! Ooh, so U spent time @ Paul's place, eh? Cube! & U know we all need 2 know more abt this teasing from Paul's relliez, the teasing that made U feel all accepted in2 his fam!

Mom's letter: Aw, man! Well, in honour of Gerald and his luv for Caesar's Gallic Wars, I M going 2 call this part of my comments "All of Elly's Letter is Divided in2 3 Parts". First part: Justifying spending the Mexican vacation doing worky tasks. Like, who does that? Second part: "When I retire, I'm gonna become even more boring than I was B4. Wanna hear all abt it? No? Y'sure? Oh, & I'm gonna xercise!" (LOL, how many timez have we heard that one?) Third part: I'm gonna MICROMANAGE April! O. M. G. & this is gonna B, like, a "gift" 2 me! Pls, peeps, U hafta help keep my mom bizzy! "Happy April"? Unhappy April, morelike! & yeah, I am learning sum more complicated cooking. Not from my mom, tho, but from Howard, who actually knows howta cook stuff that's more gourmet than "burned-butt casserole", LOL!

Dad's letter: OMG, is he going on abt that ode-foax lil house again? I swear, thoze poor ppl R gonna get a restraining order over him one of these days, the way he keeps drooling over their place like that. NOT cube!

Oh, and big LOL on Dad being "mellow" abt me going thru my changes. How many timez have U seen him bellyachin' in his letterz abt losing me as his BFF. ::rolleyez::

Hm, soundz like Dad appreciates Mike's kids more than Mike does (but not more than Mike pretends 2, eh?).

Liz, R U really feelin' all homesick like that? I wd think Paul helps keep that feeling @ bay.

Oh, & look @ dad remembering his associate's name again this month! Everett, not Elliot! Here's a cookie, Dad! This remembering his name mite help make him more enthusiastic abt taking over the practice. But will he really want Dad 2 stick around afterwards? Does he luv punz?

& God help us, Dad's gonna B putting his choo-choos in the yard again soon. I M sooo ready for university! Y can't I B 18 yet?

Mike's letter: Oh, look, peeps--"frivolity:, "factoids", "frenetic"--Mike's still luvvin' the alliteration! & he'z gonna B 30 this month. I wish Dad wd write about what a moody 30something Mike's turning into, what with his hormonez & all, LOL. But he won't. Mom & Dad have settled in2 the "Mike is wonderful" narrative & they're not gonna budge.

OK, Mike? U R turning 30. 30! NOT 50. 30 is not v. old, K? Sheesh.

Oh, & I'm sure Dee really luvved being "ditched" on St. Patty's Day. Poor Dee. & OMG, Mike, "hugged the girls we'd teased in the hallways"? Was this a reunion from university or pre-K? Also, since when does Mike call Weed "Josef Weeder"? Oh, & LOL on his lost nite w/"Jo" in a hotel rm.

Dee's letter: In short, Dee seemz 2 B turning in2 Mom. Snacks, spring cleaning, yada yada, whatevs. In case U were wondering the 2 books Dee gave me were Forever by Judy Blume & Go Ask Alice by "Anonymous". Un4tunately, I've already read 'em both, but it's the thot that counts, eh?

Gramps/Iris: Iris turn again, eh? She'z a good liar, yo. My 'rents R good storytellers & she enjoyed hearing abt the Mex trip? Liar, pants on fire! "I pulled out my own photo album and looked over our honeymoon photos - Jim and I eloped to Europe, if you recall. I enjoyed that trip immensely." Yeah, she did this while Mom an' Dad were showing & telling. LOL! That was priceless! "My children phoned Jim to wish him a happy birthday": Yeah, they have more regard 4 him than the vice versa, eh?

Pets: Committee. "Collies" may be cute, but Dixie NotSheltie ratdog sure isn't! Liz & "pheromone spray"--from Howard?

S'all 4 now!

Apes

Has Beens/Never Were

D00dz, I am sorry this is sooooo l8, & after makin' U w8 like this, what do I do 2 U? Tell U a whiny story abt the band. U C, Dun, Ger, & I decided 2 jam 2gether after the whole bookshelf thing yesterday. & it wasn't going well. So I was all, "Aaagh! That was awful!" & Dunc was, like, "We stink!" But then insteada sayin', like, mayB we need 2 practice more or whatevs, I went back in2 my whine abt Becky quitting: "It's no use! Y did Becky hafta quit the band? W/out her, we're nothing! We're worse than nothing! We're has-beens!" And Ger was, like, "How can we B has-beens... When we never were!?" And Dunc & I just kinda stared @ ea other. Then, Ger was, like, d00dz, I know that line was totally unoriginal, I don't know what came over me." And Dunc sed, "Patterson influence. It happens to all of us."

NEway, again, sorry 4 the l8's. Also, it figs on a day when I'm so behind, the letterz from my fam go up. So, like, I know they're up already, & I'm afraid 2 C what that committee Steph outsourced "my" letter 2 has had "me" say. If U R wondering what I'm on abt, check out this comment I wrote yesterday abt a convo I had w/Steph. I'll read thru the letterz & comment in a separate post as fast as I can, eh? Tho that mite not B v. fast cuz it takes me 4evs 2 get thru those letters & post about 'em, yo!

Apes

Birthday

So Jeremy did a gr8 job describing a buncha stuff that happed @ my b-day celeration last nite. Eva told me she went fr. blonde 2 platinum cuz she ws till in2 trying new thingz. Vicks was a lil embarrassed that Gordie packed on a buncha w8 when he was in hospital all that time. Vicks borrowed a red beret from her Dad 4 Gordie 2 wear last nite. Jeremy mentioned that I didn't go 34 a chickflick last nite, but 4 sum reason, the Megaplex only had horror moviez, action-adventure, and gross-out flix. Bloodbeast was pretty fun, tho. We were all laffin' when we got out. And the Double' D-Pizza was good, as alwayz. I felt kinda bad abt doing almost the xact thing 4 my b-day as last yr, but we had 2 do a quick change of planz cuz of the whole thing w/the fork lift in front & the giant steel bookcase w/Ger's gift of "100 Greatest Books". The shelf is still out front, w/a tarp over it 2 protect it. Ger, Dunc, Jeremy, and Drew Fontaine are coming by this afternoon 2 get it in2 the house & up 2 my room.

@ least going 2 C Howard perform @ the Valhalla was diff fr. last yr. Howard's song 2 me was soooo sweet! & OMG, I had no idea Shannon was such a horndog, the way she kept staring @ Howard's, erm, "area". And it's nice that I had a bigger celebration this yr, w/more ppl.

So, like U know, Mom showed up as soon as a started handing out the cake 2 every1, once we got back 2 my house. typical Mom. This morning, Dad told me that Mom was lying in bed awake worrying abt me last nite. He reminded her that she sed I cd have a late nite out 4 my b-day, & Mom was all, "I know...But she'z 2 l8 now, John." & then she was talking abt how when I was little & every1 came over 4 a party, it was a lot of work, but, "in retrospect, it was easier." Dad was all, "I h8 when yr mother keeps me awake like that. I was so ready 2 have dreamz abt trainz & forklifts." But then Mom kept it up with, "It's aftermidnite! I'm so worried. What she she doesn't come home? What if she's been drinking? What if..." Then she heard us coming in & sniffed out the cake. That's when I was all, "Oh...Hi, Mom! ...I hope U're not angry! ...I brot every1 home 4 cake!" But U all know that part. U were there, eh?

Apes

Gramps is still alive, yo!

A buncha peeps were worried when they heard abt Gramps dozin' off @ his 85th b-day celebration, thinking mayB he never woke up. "April, was it THE BIG NAP?" Well, no, he woke up no prob. After he took the cuppa decaf from me, he told me he was disappointed, cuz he thot sum1 like Iris or Mom wd C him w/hiz eyez closed all peaceful & freak, thinking he'd kicked. He was all, "That would have been a great prank!" A bit after that, everyone was starting 2 get ready 2 go. He sed he knew what he was gonna say 2 Iris once every1 had left. "This is gonna B gr8, April. First, I'll say, '::sigh:: Every1's gone?' And Iris will say, 'Yes. every1's gone.' She luvs 2 affirm thingz like that. Then I'll get back in2 my chair w/a 'Mmmhhh' & then say, 'Ahhhhh... I'm @ the age where the best part of a party is... When it's over.' Iris will give me a sort of ambiguous smile, then she'll run off and call her friends 2 tell them how impossible I am. Ha, but she'll totally buy it. April, I'm 'at the age where the best part of a party is... When it's over'? What the eff does that even mean?" He actually sed "eff" ppl, isn't that funny? Oh, and he also whispered 2 me, "By the by, have U noticed that Iris has suddenly gained sumwhere between 20 & 45 kg during the course of this party?" & I sed that I cdn't help but notice. It was pretty freekee!

NEhoodlez, my b-day's 2day!!! Whoot, I'm 15! Party starts @ 5 pm. Jeremy, yeah, no prob abt bringing Dirne Aufkleber. Sorry abt telling U she'z an xchange student. I wasn't playing a joke on U, that was just what I'd heard abt her. Becks, sorry the convo part of yr d8 w/Drew didn't go like U hoped. I heard yr showz @ the Valhalla were hott!

So, it looks like the April letterz from my fam will not B up B4 Monday, peeps!

Apes

Edit: Change of plans! Insteada partying @ my house, we R meeting @ the Megaplex. After the moviez, we R gonna go out 4 pizza, then we R gonna go 2 the Valhalla & watch Howard's late show. We're gonna stay out until after midnite, then go 2 my house 4 cake!