Gramps is still alive, yo!
A buncha peeps were worried when they heard abt Gramps dozin' off @ his 85th b-day celebration, thinking mayB he never woke up. "April, was it THE BIG NAP?" Well, no, he woke up no prob. After he took the cuppa decaf from me, he told me he was disappointed, cuz he thot sum1 like Iris or Mom wd C him w/hiz eyez closed all peaceful & freak, thinking he'd kicked. He was all, "That would have been a great prank!" A bit after that, everyone was starting 2 get ready 2 go. He sed he knew what he was gonna say 2 Iris once every1 had left. "This is gonna B gr8, April. First, I'll say, '::sigh:: Every1's gone?' And Iris will say, 'Yes. every1's gone.' She luvs 2 affirm thingz like that. Then I'll get back in2 my chair w/a 'Mmmhhh' & then say, 'Ahhhhh... I'm @ the age where the best part of a party is... When it's over.' Iris will give me a sort of ambiguous smile, then she'll run off and call her friends 2 tell them how impossible I am. Ha, but she'll totally buy it. April, I'm 'at the age where the best part of a party is... When it's over'? What the eff does that even mean?" He actually sed "eff" ppl, isn't that funny? Oh, and he also whispered 2 me, "By the by, have U noticed that Iris has suddenly gained sumwhere between 20 & 45 kg during the course of this party?" & I sed that I cdn't help but notice. It was pretty freekee!
NEhoodlez, my b-day's 2day!!! Whoot, I'm 15! Party starts @ 5 pm. Jeremy, yeah, no prob abt bringing Dirne Aufkleber. Sorry abt telling U she'z an xchange student. I wasn't playing a joke on U, that was just what I'd heard abt her. Becks, sorry the convo part of yr d8 w/Drew didn't go like U hoped. I heard yr showz @ the Valhalla were hott!
So, it looks like the April letterz from my fam will not B up B4 Monday, peeps!
Apes
Edit: Change of plans! Insteada partying @ my house, we R meeting @ the Megaplex. After the moviez, we R gonna go out 4 pizza, then we R gonna go 2 the Valhalla & watch Howard's late show. We're gonna stay out until after midnite, then go 2 my house 4 cake!
NEhoodlez, my b-day's 2day!!! Whoot, I'm 15! Party starts @ 5 pm. Jeremy, yeah, no prob abt bringing Dirne Aufkleber. Sorry abt telling U she'z an xchange student. I wasn't playing a joke on U, that was just what I'd heard abt her. Becks, sorry the convo part of yr d8 w/Drew didn't go like U hoped. I heard yr showz @ the Valhalla were hott!
So, it looks like the April letterz from my fam will not B up B4 Monday, peeps!
Apes
Edit: Change of plans! Insteada partying @ my house, we R meeting @ the Megaplex. After the moviez, we R gonna go out 4 pizza, then we R gonna go 2 the Valhalla & watch Howard's late show. We're gonna stay out until after midnite, then go 2 my house 4 cake!
posted by April Patterson @ 8:55 AM
9 Comments:
At 12:17 PM,
April Patterson said…
peeps, i m bummed abt my hair! i thot mayB the prop-bun curse wd give me a break on my b-day, but nope, it sprung rite back after i spent like 20 mins sytling it all cute. ::mope::
apes
At 2:22 PM,
duncan anderson said…
HAPPY BDAY APES!
I think mayB Ive got the 'puters working again. Im bummed that it took so long 4 me 2 fix them. I cld of worked faster if Faustus hadnt kept jumping on the cords an' the keyboard. 2x he disconnected the 'puters during the last 5 min of a 6 hr installation. My mom took him an' Falstaff 2 the vet this am 4 checkups so I finally got this dun.
C u l8r! Party! Party! Party!
At 3:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
yay, i'm glad u r back online, dunc!
apes
At 4:37 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so, omg, u shd c what ger got me 4 my b-day! i was getting ready 2 go 2 the multiplex, an' i heard this huge racket outside. mom, dad, an' i ran out front, & there was this, like, forklift pulling on2 our front lawn, lowering a big, steel bookcase fulla books. 100 books 2 b xact. ger came out fr behind all "april flower! 4 yr birthday, i have given u the world's gr8est gift! the '100 gr8est bks ever written' seriez fr. eastern press. most ppl have 2 get 1 book @ a time in the mail, but 4 u, i lucked on this special deal where i was able 2 get the entire set, very, very gently used!" meanwhile, mom was all yelling "u're tearing up our lawn!" & dad was, like, "hey, can i drive that forklift after u're dun?" & the guy was, like, "where do u want these?" but no1 was paying attention cuz they were all talkin' @ the same time, so he just dumped the huge shelf o' books on the front walkway & drove off! ger was goin' on & on abt how i now have "the western canon" @ my "delicate-flower fingertips" & how he & i shd both read the sound & the fury @ the same time so we cd, like discuss it.
well, gotta go, we're still dealing w/sum chaos here.
apes
At 5:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so we r all out in front of the multiplex, trying 2 decide betw bloodbeast & how gross can u get.
apes
At 8:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
So we ended up seeing Bloodbeast. Jeremy's date, Dirne, kept making comments about what the actors were wearing. And Jeremy kept trying to shush her. We are at the pizza place now.
Marjee
At 8:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
So Dirne has a Gucci purse, Manolo Blahnik stilettos, a Dior skirt, and Commes des Garçons blouse. She's telling us about her jewelry now.
Eva
At 8:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
so, ger & drew have been doing a contest 2 c who can eat the most pizza. becks is, like, "i can't look!!!"
we'll b leaving 4 the valhalla pretty soon 2 c howard's l8 show.
apes
At 4:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
ok. it’s been an inneresting day so far. dirne aufkleber showed up @my house early. she sed, “jeremy. a perfect gf helps her man out ‘round the house. i am here 2 help w/ur cleanin’ & then aftah everythin’ iz spotless, i will help u pick out clothez 4 2nite’s partee. lemme c how bad ur room iz. i know boyz alwayz need help w/cleanin’.” of course back durin’ march break, wen eva wuz livin’ @my house, she made me do a lotta cleanin’ of the whole house. so wen we got n2 my room, dirne sed, “ur a lot cleaner than my last bf wuz jeremy. i am kinda surprized. it wuz not wut i xxpected.” i sed, “i had help.” dirne sed, “but of course. let’s pick out ur clothez then.” so she went thru my clothez & sed, “now this iz more like it. not 1 designer thing n here. we hafta go shoppin’ 4u, jeremy.” i sed, “i rilly don’t have the money 2 go shoppin’ 4 new designer clothez, dirne.” dirne sed, “of course you don’t. thass y i brot daddy’s credit card.”
so we were shoppin’ & dirne sed, “do u have a gift 4 april?” i sed, “i got her an old rare, jazz recordin’ she wunts.” dirne sed, “that’s so sweet, but u needta give her sumthin’ designer. how ‘bout a new purse? u can’t have enuff of thoze.” i sed, “go 4 it.” dirne sed, “ur so agreeable. just a perfect bf.”
shoppin’ w/dirne iz an xxperience, cuz the biggest part of the shoppin’ iz her sayin’ wut duz & duzn’t work on me, y it duzn’t work & sum comment ‘bout the personality or sexual preference of the designer on all that stuff. i cudn’t keep it str8, but it wuz innerestin’ 2 lissen 2 her. she knowz a lot ‘bout that kinda stuff.
neway, we got 2 april’z house & there’z this big, steel bookcase fulla books on the front walkway & april’z dad iz drivin’ a forklift ‘round the yard. wen he seez me, he sez, “jeremy want 2 take a test drive?” i sed, “no thanx, dr. p.” dirne sed, “so thass dr. patterson. my dad sed he wuz eccentric & i can c he wuz rite. introduce me, jeremy.” so introduced dirne 2 dr. p, & it wuz just n tyme cuz mrs. p came outa the house w/a fryin’ pan & yellin’ @dr. p ‘bout leavin’ forklift tracks all ovah the yard. april wuz rilly mbarrassed & she sed, “in know i sed partee b4, but az u can c we needa change of planz. we’ll do multiplex & pizza. lemme get this fixed w/mom & dad & i’ll meet u @the multiplex.”
on the way 2 the multiplex, i introduced dirne 2 the othah peeps. rebeccah wuz rilly cool ‘bout dirne, i think it wuz cuz drew fontaine wuz there. dirne sed, “becky mcguire dresses v. well. sum nice designer jeanz. i can cyu usedta b 2gethah.” i wuz gonna say designer clothez wuz not the reazn, but i stopped myself. vicki simone wuz there w/a new hairstyle w/hair kinda longah on 1 side. i sed, “vicki this iz dirne aufkleber.” vicki sed, “this iz my bf gordie.” i sed, “y iz he wearin’ dark glasses & a beret?” vicki sighed & sed, “anothah sk8board accident. he needed 2 covah it up. it’s kinda gross & he has 2 black eyez.” gordie sed, “vicki told me i needed 2 wear sumthin’ or i wud gross peeps out.” mebbe we shud c the movie how gross can u get? i wud fit in.” i introduced dirne 2 gigli & he sed, “did uc my b-day gift 2 april?” i sed, “it wuz the books rite?” i sed, “how did u guess?” i sed, “only u wud give a gift like that.” gigli sed, “thanx jeremy. i have v. discrimin8ing taste.” dirne sed, “gerald forsythe-delaney az n son of dr. forsythe-delaney?” i sed, “thass rite.” dirne sed, “of course, my perfect bf.” i introduced dirne 2 shannon & eva & they were both starin’ @me w/their mouthz open. i sed, “wut?” shannon sed, “u…luk…different…jeremy.” eva sed, “i’m not usedta c-ing u n theze kinda clothez.” i sed 2 eva, “u luk diffrent 2, like ur hair iz white & not blonde.” eva sed, “i am tryin’ sumthin’ diffrent, eh?” i sed, “me 2. dirne went shoppin’ w/me & bot theze clothez 4 me.”
shannon sed, “dirne. ru…jeremy’z…blind…d8…frum…last…nite?” dirne sed, “wut did she say? thoze ellipses get n the way.” I sed, “she asked if u were my blind d8.” dirne sed, “i wuz, but now i am jeremy’z gf.” i think every1 there sed, “whoa!” eva sed, “ur bf/gf?” i sed, “we’re tryin’ it out 2nite.” dirne sed, “az far az i am concerned, jeremy iz perfect bf material.” gigli snorted & so did drew & duncan & rebeccah. i think i musta done sumthin’ 2 make eva mad @me, cuz the rest of the nite, evry tyme i saw her, she wuz hangin’ ‘round duncan. i introduced dirne 2 marjee mahaha. dirne sed, “how do u know april? i don’t think i have seen u n skool.” marjee sed, “ur so kind 2 think i wud be n skool w/u. i am beck’s ½-sis & i do april’z hair.” dirne sed, “it luks lovely, with the bun.” marjee sed, “that bun iz not mine. april’z hair iz cursed w/v.v. powerful magick. u shud come n2 my salon. i cud make u look prettier.” dirne sed, “thanx 4 the offer, but my mom haz a rilly strict rule ‘bout uz goin’ 2 TO 2 get our hair done.” marjee kinda sniffed @that. then i introduced dirne 2 duncan. she sed, “u have an accent. where iz it frum?” duncan sed, “barbados.” dirne sed, “bajan accentz r v.v. stylish.” duncan seemed rilly happy 2 hear that 4 sum reazn. i sed 2 dirne, “r bajan accents rilly stylish?” dirne sed, “jeremy. jeremy. jeremy. u so perfect it iz ncredible.” i didn’t unnerstand wut she meant, but i didn’t wanna ask.
then april showed up & we hadda decide between the filmz bloodbeast & how gross can u get. april wuz n a weird mood 4 moviez. she didn’t go 4 a chick flick, like i xxpected. gigli sed, “we shud definitely pick bloodbeast. the creature wuz 1st documented by the monk-scholar marius stuttgort n ic 1352, az part of the journal he rote during hiz travels in norsca. the norse refer 2 the creature az a “blotskabelse”, which roughly translated meanz “sacrificial creature,” cuz the creature iz sed 2 originate @places where blood wuz sacrificed.” i sed, “i think this iz a remake of the peter cushing movie where the scientist creates a blood-suckin’ moth creature that can go back & forth between moth & a hott babe.” gerald sed, “no way. it’s frum the blotskabelse. back me up becky.” rebeccah sed, “ur on ur own gerald.” drew sed, “do i needta know this blotskabelse 4 ur dad’z viking test?” rebeccah sed, “no. just read the sagaz.”
we saw the movie & i wuz rite. when the moth creature wuz the hott babe, dirna started tellin’ me the designer stuff the hott babe wuz wearin’. i sed, “not cube, dirne. don’t talk durin’ the movie.” she sed, “ur so rite, perfect bf of mine.” durin’ the movie, vicki & gigli were eatin’ popcorn out of the tub n april’s lap. dirne sed 2 me, “ur friend april iz grossin’ me out. y iz she scoopin’ out the popcorn n a pile on top of her hand & swallowin’ it whole?” i sed, “april iz a sloppy eater. i think it’s cuz her mom iz rilly picky ‘bout how peeps luk wen they eat n public & april’s doin’ a v. subtle rebellion thing.” dirne sed, “i hope she findz wayz 2 rebel that aren’t so gross.” i sed, “thass ‘bout az rebellious az april gets.” dirne sed, “well she iz obviously rebellin’ w/fashion. a doctor’s daughter can afford designer clothez & she iz not wearin’ designer.” i sed, “her mother iz rilly strict ‘bout clothez.” dirne sed, “wut kinda mother iz that? duz she h8 her daughter?” i sed, “ur gettin’ a little 2 loud.” dirne sed, “well, jeremy, i am so glad i thot 2 get her that designer purse. it’s so sad 2c sum1 abandoned by her mom.” the old lady sittin’ b-hind us sed, “this remake iz no where near az gud az the 1 w/peter cushing.”
then it wuz off 2 dubble d pizza. wen we were walkin’ n gigli hadda make sum speech ‘bout how wunnerful april iz. it wuz corny but the best part wuz wen he stuck hiz hand up n the air 2 make a point & whacked it on the door. gigli wuz kinda mbarrassed so he challenged drew 2 a pizza-eatin’ contest, i think it wuz cuz drew iz the biggest guy there. gigli wunted gordie 2 compete 2, but gordie sed, “my jaw iz 2 sore, dude, frum where it got hit by the sk8board.” vicky sighed. shannon sed, “jeremy…u…shud…compete…w/…them.” i asked dirne if i shud compete. she sed, “no jeremy. u mite get a stain on ur new designer clothez.” shannon gave dirne an evil luk. i sed, “ok, dirne.” gigli 1 it rilly ez. drew did not have a chance.
then it wuz off 2 the valhalla 2c howard’z l8 show. the crowd there wuz rilly wild. dirne sed, “jeremy. theze r the best dressed men i have evah seen n mboro. their colour choices r a little flamboyant, but it is like a designer men’s clothing store n here. not only that, but they r all so pretty.” i sed, “it’s the mboro gay community. they like 2c howard’z l8 show.” shannon sed, “wut…duz…he…do?” rebeccah sed, “he singz opera ariaz wearing revealin’ viking outfits.” gordie sed, “i’m leavin’.” vicki sed, “no gordie. we promised we’d stay.” shannon sed, “duz…howard…have…a…big…guy…thing?” we kinda got quiet wen shannon asked that question. then marjee sed, “yes, he’z well hung. y do i hafta answer that question?”
it wuz the 1st tyme i had seen howard perform n a long tyme. he wuz pretty gud, but i will admit hiz costumez made the show. he spotted april n the audience & he wuz a little surprized, cuz he prolly thot she wud b @her partee. well, howard took april on the stage & sed, “it’s april patterson’s 15th b-day 2nite & i am gonna sing a song just 4 her.” then he sang sum opera song n english, not the usual norse stuff & it wuz rilly pretty. then there wuz all this cryin’ ‘round me. all the gay guyz were sobbin’ & rebeccah & vicki & marjee & shannon & eva & dirne & especially april wuz sobbin’. drew & gordie & gigli & duncan & i just looked @each othah wunderin’ wut we missed. i sed 2 dirne, “yru girlz cryin’?” she sed, “it wuz so romantic. yru not cryin’?” i sed, “cuz i am a guy?” dirne sed, “but of course. guyz r only emotional ‘bout carz & sports.” aftah the show we went backstage & howard sed hello 2 all of us. i introduced dirne 2 howard & dirne sed, “ur costumez were innerestin’. i don’t think they were designer.” howard sed, “not unless u consider viking costumez r us designer. howard hadta change & do othah stuff 4 hiz work, but he sed he mite join us l8er. april sed, “we’re just gonna do cake @my place.” we hadda drag shannon away, cuz kept on starin’ @howard’s male thing.
so then it wuz ovah 2 april’s 4 cake. april sed az she wuz cuttin’ the cake she got outa thoze triple-wrapped containerz howard had, “elly arrivez downstairs n 5-4-3-2-1” & sure enuff her mom showed up. april distracted her mom while we 8 our cake. her mom 8 all the cake we didn’t eat. dirne sed, “i have nevah seen a woman eat like that.” drew sed, “me either. it’s like she unhinged her jaw & dropped all the rest of the cake n it.” rebeccah sed, “u shud c her n my mom’z pastry shop. it freaks me out every tyme ic it.” drew sed, “gerald. if u challenged her 2 an eatin’ contest u wud lose.” gigli sed, “my april-flower’z mother & my future mil iz more talented n that area, i will admit.” gordie sed, “definitely not a milf.” vicky sed, “gordie! b polite. thass april’s mom!” gordie sed, “sorry.”
april’z mom came back downstairz & sed, “i'm @the age where the best part of a party iz wen it’s ovah.” dirne sed 2 her, “mrs. patterson. i am so sorry jeremy & i overstayed our welcum.” so we left. othah peeps were leavin’ 2. shannon sed, “wud sum1 w/o a gf walk me home?” eva sed, “i will.” & they left w/o sayin’ goodbye 2 me, which wuz weird. we went outside & passed by rebeccah & drew makin’ out like crayzee. i walked dirne 2 her house & she sed, “that wuz a v. gud d8, jeremy. i met a lot of kidz of mportant peeps n mboro. so, do u wanna b my bf, officially?” i sed, “ru the kinda girl who is gonna break up w/me the 1st tyme i say sumthin’ wrong @the wrong tyme.” dirne sed, “jeremy. if did that, we wud b breakin' up rite now.” i sed, “ok. sorry. i think i wud like 2 the bf/gf thing w/u. u got along ok w/my friendz & u r rilly pretty & u haven’t hurt me @all.” dirne sed, “a perfect bf wud kiss me now.” so we kissed 4 a long tyme till dirne dad walked n2 the room & sed, “dirne. 1st d8 kissin’ shud last no longah than 15 minutes. ur ovah ur tyme.” dirne sed, “sorry, dad.” then i went home. it wuz an innerestin’ day.
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