Convo Bored Gramps Almost 2 Sleep
OK, B4 I tell U the next bit abt Gramps's b-day, I just wanna remind U that the April letterz fr. my fam R gonna go up soon! Yeah, I know, already! An' here we R still discussing Gramps's b-day, which was March 21, & already 2morrow is gonna B my b-day! But, y'know, since it's a Saturday, I'm not sure what Steph, the web designer who helps Mom, is gonna do. I guess the letterz cd go up a day early, meaning 2day, or, like, 2 dayz l8, meaning Monday. I'd B surprised if they went up on a Saturday, eh? So, like, whenev they do go up, I'll do my usual where I do a long post w/my comments on ea. one.
So, back 2 Gramps. After Iris's line abt Gramps being all fulla advice, & his grumpy thot abt how no1 listenz 2 it, Gramps settled in2 his armchair & every1 started yammering abt different stuff. I told Dee abt how I told Gramps I'm still taking guitar lessons. Dee was holding the teddy bear while telling me that Meredith is showing sum musical talent. Robin pted @ the bear & was all, "Mine!" Tho I don't think that's strictly true, as he & Merrie seem 2 share the teddy, but I cd B mistaken. Dad told Mike, "Gordon's giving me a deal on a Crevasse sedan." Mike stood there holding a coffee mug & smirking. Dee told Robin, "Don't eat the candle, Robin. Give it 2 Mommy." Merrie had frosting all around her mouth, & she was all, "Can I have more cake?" Then I looked @ Gramps & noticed his thot bubb: "It's nice to have the family here. They're all so busy. The babiez R growing up so fast.... I should record all this great conversation and play it again later on. It would help put me to sleep." Just then, I was abt 2 give Gramps a mug o' decaf (Iris insisted on decaf 2 not keep him awake) & I guess I had one of thoze dumb "Hyuh?" kinda looks on my face. But really I felt kinda bad, cuz, like, we were boring Gramps on his birthday. That's gotta suck, even if he's telling himself it's all nice. & I noticed every1 but me & Gramps were in that weird, black silhouette. Bizarre!
Becks, I think Howard's advice is good, abt starting whatev kinda convos U mite wanna have w/Drew. Like he sez, Drew prolly thinx all the thingz U do 2gether count like hanging out.
Jeremy, I barely know Zandra @ all, but Dunc has gotten 2 know her a bit thru drama club & has hung out w/her a bit, & he tellz me stuff, that's all.
So, party 2morrow! I turn 15, yo! Party starts @ 5, & it's gonna B cube. Becks told me she wants 2 come by a bit early 2 give me her gag gift--she alwayz gives me a gag gift, since my b-day's April Fool's Day, & then a regular gift. The gag gift is usually, like, an in-joke betw us.
Apes
So, back 2 Gramps. After Iris's line abt Gramps being all fulla advice, & his grumpy thot abt how no1 listenz 2 it, Gramps settled in2 his armchair & every1 started yammering abt different stuff. I told Dee abt how I told Gramps I'm still taking guitar lessons. Dee was holding the teddy bear while telling me that Meredith is showing sum musical talent. Robin pted @ the bear & was all, "Mine!" Tho I don't think that's strictly true, as he & Merrie seem 2 share the teddy, but I cd B mistaken. Dad told Mike, "Gordon's giving me a deal on a Crevasse sedan." Mike stood there holding a coffee mug & smirking. Dee told Robin, "Don't eat the candle, Robin. Give it 2 Mommy." Merrie had frosting all around her mouth, & she was all, "Can I have more cake?" Then I looked @ Gramps & noticed his thot bubb: "It's nice to have the family here. They're all so busy. The babiez R growing up so fast.... I should record all this great conversation and play it again later on. It would help put me to sleep." Just then, I was abt 2 give Gramps a mug o' decaf (Iris insisted on decaf 2 not keep him awake) & I guess I had one of thoze dumb "Hyuh?" kinda looks on my face. But really I felt kinda bad, cuz, like, we were boring Gramps on his birthday. That's gotta suck, even if he's telling himself it's all nice. & I noticed every1 but me & Gramps were in that weird, black silhouette. Bizarre!
Becks, I think Howard's advice is good, abt starting whatev kinda convos U mite wanna have w/Drew. Like he sez, Drew prolly thinx all the thingz U do 2gether count like hanging out.
Jeremy, I barely know Zandra @ all, but Dunc has gotten 2 know her a bit thru drama club & has hung out w/her a bit, & he tellz me stuff, that's all.
So, party 2morrow! I turn 15, yo! Party starts @ 5, & it's gonna B cube. Becks told me she wants 2 come by a bit early 2 give me her gag gift--she alwayz gives me a gag gift, since my b-day's April Fool's Day, & then a regular gift. The gag gift is usually, like, an in-joke betw us.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 10:21 AM
22 Comments:
At 12:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings about your mishomis (grandfather) again. You wrote you noticed his “thot bubb” (whatever that is) and then you quoted something your mishomis (grandfather) was thinking. If you were an Ojibway, I would say you were a shaman. Your dumb "Hyuh?" look on your face and the feeling that everyone but you and your mishomis (grandfather) were in a black silhouette could be part of your shamanistic trance, where you were able to perceive your mishomis (grandfather’s) thoughts. When you come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) where your sister lives or Otter County where I still live (as least for right now until I get my transfer to Spruce Narrows), I could arrange for your shamanism to be tested. It is a rare gift to be a shaman and even rarer in a young woman. I am very impressed.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, paul, that shamanism test soundz kinda cool. i'd def try it out, tho i don't feel like i have special powerz.
apes
At 1:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, evry1 iz lookin’ 4ward 2 ur 15th b-day partee. @lunch shannon sed, “mebbe…april…will…rite…‘bout…us…n…her…real…blog…ntry.” eva sed, “prolly not till sunday, cuz she hazn’t finished telling her story ‘bout her grampa’s b-day yet.” shannon sed, “jeremy. u’ve…known…april…the…longest. wut…duz…she…do…4…her…partees?” i sed, “lemme think. last yr 2005, she went 2 a baby shower for her sis’s ex-bf’s baby. or wuz it she did pizza & the movies w/gigli & duncan & rebeccah. oh i remembah rebeccah sayin’ april wuz mad @her 4 sumthin’. wut wuz it? oh yeah, i remembah, april got a hundred bucks & sed she wuz gonna get a new haircut, but she didn’t.” shannon sed, “thass…a…strange…thing…2…fite…abt.” i sed, “b-lieve me, i know. rebeccah & april had a lotta strange fites n grade 8.” eva sed, “pizza & movies. sounds kinda dull.”
i sed, “@april’s 13th birthday she hadda partee. every1 wuz there & we hadda a good tyme evn tho april’s ‘rent stood n the corner of the room the whole tyme lookin’ worried.” eva sed, “april’s ‘rents. r they gonna b @the partee?” shannon sed, “april…hazta…have…a…sitter…wen…her…‘rents…go…outa…town. they’ll…b…there.” eva sed, “n the same room w/us?”
i sed, “thass how it wuz @her 13th. @her 12th b-day, her ‘rents stayed outa the room & gigli danced round w/a pizza box on hiz head.” shannon sed, “thass…kinda…st00pid. u…get…pizza…grease…all…ovah…u.” i sed, “that wuz back n the dayz when gigli had brownish hair, so he prolly thot it wudn’t show.” eva sed, “brown hair? gerald is a dye job?” i sed, “thass wut i think, but he insists he izn’t & he has sum xxpert witness sayin’ hiz hair naturally changed frum brown to blond.” shannon sed, “rite. like…i…b-lieve…that. april…may…like…gerald, but…i…don’t. he…iz…rude…2…special…needz…kidz.” i sed, “actually gerald iz rude 2 every1, not just special needz kidz. thass how he iz.” eva sed, “y duz april like him?”
shannon sed, “big. muscular. st00pid. perfect…guy.” eva sed, “i dunno. if i hadda a bf, i wud wunt him 2b my bff & we cud have convos on politics & religion.” shannon sed, “shut…up! u…big…liar! nobody…wants…2…talk…abt…thoze…thingz…w/a…guy.” i sed, “u don’t? y not?” shannon sed, “a…guy…will…nevah…tell…u…the…truth…‘bout…thoze…thingz. if…ur…4…special...need’z…rites, he’z…4…special...need’z…rites. if…u…b-lieve…special…needz…women…shud…b…n…the…priesthood, he…b-lieves…it…2. guyz…only…want…1…thing…&…they…will…say…nething…2…get…it.” eva sed, “not all guyz r like that.” shannon sed, “name…1. no. name…1…str8…guy. gays…don’t…count.” eva sed, “jeremy alwayz tellz the truth.” i sed, “thanx, eva.” shannon sed, “rite. i…4got…u…were…a…freak…abt…tellin’…the…truth…jeremy. i…rilly…like…that…‘bout…u. ok, eva. name…2…str8…guyz.” eva sed, “um. duncan.” i started laffin’ “duncan?! ur kiddin’ rite?” shannon sed, “duncan…iz…wut…my…mom…callz…a…gossip. he…likes…2…repeat…wut…he…hearz.” eva sed, “i think he’z nice neway.” i sed, “i didn’t say he wuzn’t nice.” shannon sed, “duncan’s…nice. he…duzn’t…pick…on…the…special…needz…kidz. don’t…get…ur…facts…frum…duncan…iz…all…i…am…sayin’.”
neway, then we hadda long convo abt politics & religion & rhinoplasty, which if we recorded it & played it back 4u, it would put u2 sleep. we r lookin’ 4ward 2 ur partee & we hope ur ‘rents stay n anothah room this tyme.
At 1:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i totally 4got. haz ur dad bot the crevasse sedan or r he & gordon mayez still doin' test drivez on it? i guess sumthin' musta happed 4 ur dad 2 go frum a truck 2 a crevasse sedan. neway, lemme know if i needta watch out 4 crevasse sedanz.
At 1:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, i hope my 'rents stay in a diff room this time, 2! rhinoplasty. i mite need that sumday. liz & i r both saving up just in case.
apes
At 1:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i m not sure abt the whole crevasse thing. dad 4 sum reason hasn't wanted 2 talk 2 me abt it. i guess since i'm such a surly teenager & all, eh?
apes
At 1:36 PM,
howard said…
April,
Unfortunately, I will have to miss your party. Becky wants to attend it and she talked me into covering for her shows at the Valhalla that night so she could be there.
I did get a call this morning from my aunt Winnie Kelpfroth, you know, the one who lives in the apartment below your brother and sister-in-law and their kids. She told me news which was related to something you mentioned today. Let me tell you what “Meredith is showing some musical talent” means. Two words. Bobby Curtola. Meredith has been singing Fortune Teller over and over again at all hours of the day. It is about to drive my aunt to distraction. Not only that but your sister-in-law talks about nothing else. She hears “Meredith is showing some musical talent, Winnie” every time she sees them in the foyer outside their apartment. Or she hears, “Sing Fortune Teller for your grandma Mira again”, whenever her mother visits, which, according to my aunt, is too often. You may already know all this, because I suppose she could have sung it at your grandpa Jim’s party. But if she didn’t, you should expect to hear it soon. Watch out!
Howard K.
At 1:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
comment glitch
At 1:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wish u & ur dad talked more. now every tyme ic a crevasse sedan on the road, i am gonna run. i gotta say, considerin' ur mom, savin' 4 rhinoplasty iz a rilly gud idea. az old az i luk, mebbe i shud consider sum plastic surgery 2.
At 1:49 PM,
Anne said…
And stay away from breakfast pastries so ur arse doesn't get 2 b the size of the Saskatchewan Plains! lol U & Becks work out, tho, so u should b fine.
I think if u get outta Milborough after u graduate high school u should b safe. Same 4 Jeremy & the premature aging thing. So u can spend the rhinoplasty money on a new car & downpayment on a house, or whatevs.
I'm so stoked 4 ur partee tomorrow! Me & Marjee found the best gift 4 u. :-) I'll tell Gordie 2 leave his sk8board @ home this time. I'm still so embarrassed he took it 2 the Valentine's Day concert.
Vicks
At 1:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
vicks, lucky 4 me, my mom eats every pastry in site so i can't have ne, lol! gd pt abt getting outta mboro! i'm so glad u & marjee & gordie r gonna b @ the party. oh, howard, u weren't sure if u were gonna b able 2 make it 2 the party cuz of yr various complicated commitments--do u know yet?
jeremy, sorry abt my dad & the whole car thing. i did try 2 talk 2 him abt it, but he changed the subj 2 trainz & floss, like usual. ::sigh::
apes
At 1:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
vicki, thass a gud idea 4 me, if i am still alive by graduation. sumtymez i think i am gonna just sit down n a chair sumwhere & die n my sleep frum gettin' oldah durin' a nap. keepin' gordie away frum his sk8board @april's house iz a gud idea. he cud wander off & get lost rilly ez n that place.
At 1:58 PM,
howard said…
April,
I will stop off at your party early to give you your gift and to drop off Becky, assuming Drew doesn't drive her there. But I cannot stay for long. I will have Valhalla shows to do. Your party will be more fun without any adults hanging around. I do appreciate the invitation though. The pictures of you on it were very nice.
Howard K.
At 2:19 PM,
Anne said…
Speaking of ur mom & food, my mom got a call from the Eleanor Patterson lady yestahday asking a couple of questions about the writing class. She accidentally left the speaker phone on so I was able 2 listen n. My mom could barely understand @ first bcause it sounded like she was talking w/her mouth full. Neway, she asked if it'd b ok 2 wear a sombrero she bought n Mexico 2 class. She sed it would "stimulate the muse. Sometimes, writing flows like a flood, words coming faster than they can be written down, much like the flow I experienced after those delectable enchilada suizas @ Cocina del Saucy de los Miguel n beautiful Baja--" & then my mom sed "Ok, Eleanor, ur hat shouldn't be a problem!" She then asked my mom a couple of other questions about the location & time, & if there was a Starbucks nearby.
I hope ur mom @ least leaves some cake & ice cream 4 u tomorrow. Marjee said her & Howard have a "contingency dessert plan" in case ur mom hogs everything. They think ahead!
Vicks
At 2:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, vicks, yr poor mom 2 hafta put up w/mom, if that's who this "eleanor" is. prolly.
glad 2 hear abt the contingency plan!
howard, i m glad u'll b able 2 stop by 4 a lil while, @ least.
apes
At 3:47 PM,
howard said…
April,
"Contingency dessert plan" means they are already made, individually separated into serving portions, quadruple-wrapped in airtight containers and stored over at Connie Poirier's house so your mom can't sniff them out in advance. Connie was quite willing to accommodate us. She understands your mother's eating habits all too well. If your mom eats all the cake and ice cream before anyone else has a chance, then Marjee is going to distract your mom while your party guests walk over to Connie's for refreshment. I hope that meets with your approval and that your mother shows enough restraint so it won't be necessary. It is your birthday after all.
Howard K.
At 5:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, howard, u & marjee thot of everything! that's v. v. cube of u, thanks!
yeah, i hope my mom b-havez herself, but u never know w/her, eh?
apes
At 6:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i am off 2 my blind matchmakin’ d8 w/my mom & dirne aufkleber, the grade 10 girl n our skool, & her mom & dad. u sed she iz sum kinda xchange student. it cud b innerestin’. wish me luck.
At 6:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
gd luck jeremy. txt me if u need an out & i'll call u w/a fake emergency, eh?
apes
At 7:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, thanx 4 the offer, but i kinda doubt that will work w/mom there, unless she wunts a fake emergency 2. i hope it duzn't go az bad az that, tho. we r 'bout 2 the restaurant.
At 2:05 AM,
howard said…
April,
Becky came home with red and pink roses and walking on air. I asked her how it went with Drew and she said breathlessly, "We conversed." She is definitely smitten. I am so glad to see my bud happy and in love.
As for myself, I had a nice relaxing evening at home.
Marjee came over and we worked out for awhile and we discussed the logistics of your emergency backup desserts for your party tomorrow. I did her makeup and nails and she left to go on a date. Since she is newly buff, she has had no end of male attention. I wish I could say the same.
Then I gave each of the dogs a bath. They needed it. Freyfaxi picks up a lot of dirt because he is such a large target for it. Zeus and Apollo were cleaner, which I think reflects their Greek pantheon’s sensibilities about their daily ablutions.
Then Krystle (Becky's mom) demanded I give her a bath because she and Dr. McCauley did something with caramel and chocolate pudding and it got all over her in some very odd places. Dr. McCauley opted to bathe himself and he did a slipshod job. There is still some caramel in his hair. Krystle, however, is squeaky clean now. It is good to put those skills I learned in the public bath houses to use. Yes, they were gay public bath houses, if you have to know.
Then I practiced some Jóhann Jóhannsson arias from his chamber operas. It is not my favourite Icelandic opera, but you always need to stretch yourself and try something different. While I was doing this, Thora, Becky’s dad’s wife, popped in. She said, “What is that horrible music?” I said, “Jóhann Jóhannsson opera arias.” She said, “As long as it is Icelandic.” I said, “It is. What can I do for you?” She said, “Thorvald spends all his time at the Valhalla these days. Whenever I go over there, he hides. Orque says he is out running errands, when his motorcycle is right there in the parking lot. What should I do?” I said, “What am I? “Ask Wendy”? Just threaten to harm his carved statue of Leif Ericson in a loud voice and he will come out of hiding.” Thora said, “Harm? Like with an axe?” I said, “You and axes. No. When I do it, I just threaten to paint Leif’s nails with a firecracker red nail polish.” Thora said, “That is good advice. Can I borrow some nail polish?” She took some and left.
It was so pleasant to have a peaceful evening at home for a change.
Howard K.
At 3:44 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i had my d8 w/dirne aufkleber. my mom & her mom & dad met 2nite. this iz how it went:
my mom: mr. & mrs. aufkleber. i am so glad 2 meet u. i’m mrs. jones & this iz my son, jeremy.
mr. & mrs. aufkleber: {usually gasping noises ovah my aged appearance.}
my mom: i know jeremy luks old 4 hiz age, but i can assure u he iz actually 14.
mrs. aufkleber: he iz perfect!
my mom: wut? wut do u mean, “he iz perfect”?
mr. aufkleber: my wife & i have been searchin’, huntin’ & prayin’ 4 the perfect bf 4 dirne. i sed 2 her, “dirne needz a bf who luks like a man, but iz not actually a man 2 avoid those nasty legal details ‘bout d8ing underage girlz.”
mrs. aufkleber: he iz perfect!
my mom: don’t u wanna hear him talk 1st?
mr. aufkleber: but of course. jeremy. it iz a pleasure 2 meet u. {he shakes my hand vigorously.} this iz dirne, ur soon-2-be gf.
me: u luk nice, dirne.
dirne: but of course. i have all the l8est clothez frum the biggest designerz. i am currently wearin’ marc jacobs, chloe, maxmara, matthew williamson, fcuk, & blumarine. i used 2 absolutely adore everything frum prada till they unveiled their new collection. { she rollz her eyes } if u know wut i mean.
me: i kinda don’t. i am not n2 designerz.
dirne: but of course ur not. it iz the job of the gf 2 make sure her bf iz properly dressed. men r putty n a good woman’s handz. not 2 worry. i have been researchin’ u jeremy.
me: i have been researchin’ u2. ur doin’ sum kinda foreign xxchange thing, rite?
dirne: where did u hear that? no. i wuz born n TO, but hadda move 2 mboro 4 daddy’z bizness.
me: sorry. sum1 haz obviously played an april’s fool joke on me early.
my mom: jeremy. stop actin’ like an idiot.
me: i sed i wuz sorry.
mrs. aufkleber: he takes nstruction. he iz perfect!
my mom: dirne. u sed u had been researchin’ jeremy?
dirne: well, not jeremy particulary, but wen ur new 2 a skool, it is mportant 2 accessorize properly & that ncludez the proper bf.
my mom: what do u mean?
dirne: i mean i have researched all the boyz n r.p. boire & jeremy iz the best 1.
mrs. aufkleber: he iz perfect!
my mom: u gotta b kiddin’. jeremy? the best 1. don’t girlz ur age normally go 4 the star athlete az the best 1?
mr. aufkleber: mrs. jones. every skool haz its star athlete & sum of them actually can do it 4 a career. but they r hardly the best choice. an ideal choice wud be an heir 2 a tremendous fortune, but there r none of thoze n mboro.
mrs. aufkleber: the town iz not perfect!
mr. aufkleber: so, of course, my wife & i advised dirne 2 seek out the next best thing.
my mom: which iz jeremy? how do u get that?
mr. aufkleber: jeremy’s connectionz n the musick ndustry thru hiz birth father, if it iz not 2 sensitive an issue 2 discuss w/u.
my mom: oh him. no u can talk ‘bout the bastard all u wunt. wut duz he hafta do w/jeremy & ur daughter?
dirne: i asked every1 n skool who wuz the boy who had met the most celebritiez & who wuz the boy who cud get n2 the coolest parties evn n TO & every1 sed it wuz jeremy.
mrs. aufkleber: he iz perfect!
my mom: jeremy. there’z gotta b sum1 else n ur skool who knowz more celebs than u, but i can’t think of ne1.
me: rebeccah mcguire mite, but she’z a girl. i dunno of ne1 else either, but that duzn’t mean i wanna be a bf cuz of it. don’t i have ne choice n this?
mr. aufkleber: but of course. howevah, i think it wud b foolish 2 turn down dirne. she iz v.v. pretty don’t u think, jeremy?
me: i am tryin’ not 2b creeped out by u sayin’ that, but ur rite. dirne iz pretty.
dirne: of course i am. & i am an xxcellent gf. i will make sure ur properly dressed & groomed n the l8est designer clothez. & u will make sure we r goin’ 2 all the coolest placez & b-in’ seen by all the rite peeps.
me: that soundz like a lotta work 2 me.
dirne: oh, jeremy, u make me laff. {& she kinda tittered.} i will do all the work. boyz cannot b trusted w/mportant thingz like social standin’. frum tyme 2 tyme, u may hafta make a fone call 4 me iz all.
my mom: this soundz a little 2 arranged 4 me.
mr. aufkleber: but mrs. jonez. that iz wut matchmakin’ iz all about. u don’t hafta worry about a thing. dirne haz been trained 2b the perfect gf.
mrs. aufkleber: she iz perfect!
me: i dunno. dirne, do u evn like me?
dirne: but of course. ur the perfect guy 4 me. u will luv havin’ me 4 a gf, jeremy. let’s go on a d8 w/o the ‘rents & u will c.
me: i got nvited 2 april patterson’s b-day partee 2morrow & april sed i cud bring a d8. how ‘bout that?
dirne: april patterson. that name seemz familiar.
mr. aufkleber: daughter of dr. john patterson, dds.’ dirne.
dirne: a doctor’s daughter. xxcellent. i knew u wud come up w/sumthin’ rite away.
mrs. aufkleber: he iz perfect!
my mom: ru sure ‘bout this, jeremy?
me: iz there sumthin’ wrong i shud know abt, mom? if u don’t think i shud, then i will tell dirne no.
my mom: no there’z nothin’ wrong.
mrs. aufkleber: lissenz 2 his mom’s advice. he iz perfect!
dirne: it’s a d8 4 2morrow then jeremy. here’z sumthin’ 2 last u till then. {then she kissed me}
mr. aufkleber: no tongue, dirne. not 4 a 1st kiss.
dirne: i know, dad.
that wuz our evenin’ went. i hope it’s ok i asked dirne 2 come 2 ur partee?
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