Mike sez. . . .
OK, so I got an e-mail from Mike. Here'z what it sez:
Aw, Ger, it's sooooo sweet that U R going shopping w/Becks & Howard so U can shop 4 my b-day prezzie. Oh, & Becks I wanna hear all abt the outfit U get! Jeremy, I'm afraid 2 think what U mean when U say I'm "amazing"--don't tell me, cuz I think I get it!
Apes
Dear Baby Sister,Wow, could it be? Mike actually gets annoyed with the parental units sumtymez? I'd say "stop the presses", but the last thing I want is for Mike to think, "This would make a great article!" IYKWIM!
As you know, I normally revere our parents, especially our wise and beneficent mother. However, even I found myself exasperated as I was driving them home from the airport. Right away, she was saying, "It's so good of you to come for us, dear. We could have taken a cab." I replied, "No problem, Mom." Then she said, "It's out of your way--And we hate to interrupt your evening." Had I been in a more argumentative mood, I would have point out that they when gave me their estimated arrival time, they flubbed the AM/PM thing, causing me to be twelve hours early. So I could have mentioned that they had interrupted not just my evening, but my entire day, which I spent wandering around the airport. Fortunately, I brought my handy-dandy notebook so I could jot down my astute observations about the people I espied in the airport. Did you know that people in airports eat, drink, yawn, smoke, listen to music and pass gas? I know, I know, I was astonished, too! So, as I was saying, I might have pointed this little mix-up out to our esteemed matriarch, but I did not. Instead, I told her, "I'm happy to do it." Which is mostly true, as otherwise I'd have to be spending time with Merrie and the other one, the boy. Which I love to do, as I'm an amazing, sensitive parent. But small doses, my dear little sister. Small doses. Mom continued: "We know how busy you are." I assured her, "Mom, it's no trouble! Honest! I enjoyed meeting you at the airport. I wanted to see you. This is a pleasure." Now, I normally think our mother is quite fetching for a woman her age. But just then, I looked in the rearview mirror, and I could have sworn I was looking at an ugly man with his hair in a bun! It was very disturbing. But I shook off the feeling just as Mother was saying, "Well, we hate to be a nuisance, Michael. So it's nice to know you don't mind driving us home." At that moment, I developed a little storm cloud over my head, in a thought bubble, and I realized that our mother was making me mind driving them home!
Well, dear sister, I would tell you what happened next, but I have another mind-numbing staff meeting I have to administer. I am so disgruntled!
Love,
Michael Patterson
Aw, Ger, it's sooooo sweet that U R going shopping w/Becks & Howard so U can shop 4 my b-day prezzie. Oh, & Becks I wanna hear all abt the outfit U get! Jeremy, I'm afraid 2 think what U mean when U say I'm "amazing"--don't tell me, cuz I think I get it!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:54 AM
12 Comments:
At 12:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. Getting annoyed on trips would make a great article. Thanks for the idea. I have thought about annoying trips and I remember being annoyed when I went on the trip to Japan to interview that designer Divala 3 years ago. Everything was so small and Japanese and expensive. That was annoying. Then there were all things mom told me about on her trip to Mexico she thought were annoying. I could use those, but I would have to leave some out or the article would be too long. If there were any annoying parts of your trip last summer to Winnipeg, I could put those in too. It is so much fun to write about my family.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 12:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
nope, nope, nope. nuthin' annoying abt my trip last summer. totally unannoying!
apes
At 1:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
Fortunately there are no scrapes on my thumbs, so I am able to type out this message to you. Howard and I are waiting on a bench outside the ladies' dressing room in La Petite Coquette, which is some fancy Frenchy boutique. I tried to look for a present for you here, but I didn't see anything that suited you. I do not think your style is the La Petite Coquette kind.
Becky keeps coming out and modeling different tops for us. I think all of them look good, but Howard is very picky. Every time Becky comes out, he fusses over the top she is wearing and talks about the alterations he will have to make to ensure that it fits perfectly.
I am going to ask that Howard come clothes shopping with me the next time Mater takes me. She insists on buying all my clothes two sizes too big. She always grumbles that I am growing too fast and that clothing me is breaking the family budget. I try not to remind her that my brother is quite the clotheshorse, because that would sound like sour grapes.
Anyway, I have to go now. Becky is modeling a purple top, and she is demanding "my notes." That is what Howard and I call it when we tell Becky our opinion of her clothes. Cool, huh? I feel like I could be the fashion writer at a fancy magazine. Does Portrait have any job openings?
Anyway, I have to go tell Becky that Drew Fontaine loaths purple ever since we got beat by the West Burlington Purple Panthers in basketball, 107-12.
Devotedly yours, Gerald
At 1:50 PM,
Anne said…
Early dismissals rock! So neway, me & Gordie r back @ the mall. He *has* 2 get these CKY decals 4 his board now. Nevah mind that he has practically no more room on it. :-P
I guess Gerald must've been getting bored w/Howard & Becks shopping bcause we just saw him eyeing some silky robes @ Victoria's Secret while walking 2 Orange Julius. We all said hi, & Gordie asked what he was looking 4. "When pondering my notes 4 Becky's fashion shows, I recalled that Mater asked if I would be so kind to assess Victoria's Secret's spring robes collection. While purple would be an ill-advised colour 4 Becky, I do believe this robe would bring out the highlights n Mater's hair most exquisitely. She even afforded me the use of her Mastercard 2 purchase this & ne other trinket 4 myself or my lovely April-flower."
He sed all this as he was holding on 2 the arm of this shiny purply-robe, only he was holding it 2 hard & it fell off the display wall w/all the othah robes bhind it. Gerald looked sooper-embarrassed but Gordie helped him hang all the robes up again b4 we said "latah" & made a quick exit. "Man, Gerald's cracked!" Gordie muttered 2 me on our way 2 get orange drinx. I hope he finds something decent 4 his mom, even if looking 4 sumthing like that 4 ur mom is kinda creepy.
Vicks
At 2:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Vicki and my little April flower,
I got a headache from drinking my Orange Julius too fast, so I went back to sit with Howard. Becky is now trying on tops in all different shades of blue. I think blue is definitely her color.
Anyway, I want to clear something up. I do not enjoy shopping for Mater. But that was the condition upon which she loaned me her credit card. Frankly, I hate doing mall reconnaissance for Mater. She gets angry when she finds out that most stores do not carry size 0. And she always wants to know if I think various clothing items will make her look fat.
I am glad that my little April flower is not at all vain.
Anyway, I think I have found the perfect gift for my little April flower. And I didn't even need Howard's help!
Excuse me now, Becky needs someone to help her zip up.
Devotedly yours, Gerald
At 3:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'd better make this quick, since I'm not supposed to use this computer for "personal uses". My new job in prison is customer service for a catalogue company. Having a job when you're in prison helps pass the time.
Marjee won't take my (collect) calls, so I figured I'd post here. Marjee, babe, wait for me! Things are going to be different the next time I'm out.
Vicki, remember what I told you about drugs. Smoking dope is okay as long as you do it with family! Families should get drunk and stoned together!
Nardo
At 3:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, peeps, sorry i haven't been posting. dad made me go 2 his dental clinic after our early dismissal & he & dr. morsel keep giving me bizzy work 2, like, keep me outta trub. so lame! gotta open another box of free floss an' toothbrush samples, eh?
apes
At 3:21 PM,
Anne said…
Thanx 4 clearing that up, Gerald. Was that u @ Spencer's checking out the x-rated board games?
Wow, that's a sweet deal @ the slammer, Maynard! That's so totally true about drinking & drugs. @ the partee 4 me & Marjee's great aunt Agatha @ the Milborough Senior Palace, I remember when u & ur cousin Cyrus got n2 a fistfite. He totally took what u said about his gf Brandi missing her front teeth outta hand. "My special lady has 4, count 'em, 4 trophies 4 beer bottle opening, & don't u 4 get that!" Me & Marjee still crack up when we talk about him saying that. & that was rite after u & Cyrus polished off 1 keg of Molsons. But u guyz made up aftahwards & went out 2 play video poker, so if u didn't drink & fite, u wouldn't have had a good time that nite, eh?
I just felt like complete white trash when the police showed up. Good thing Officer Luggsworth was feeling generous & just let u off w/a warning!
So now Gordie wants 2 take the train n2 Toronto 2 look 4 sum extreme skateshops. I did a Yellow Pages search on my Sidekick & didn't find ne, so we're off 2 the skate park again.
Vicks
At 3:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
Cyrus. What a psycho. But you can't choose your family, eh? Last time I saw him, I said, "Knock knock?" Cyrus said, "Who's there?" I said, "Toothless-girl humping, grade-10 failing, parole-violating, pepperoni-stealing, bad-breath having, bad-tattoo getting, embarrassment to the family!" He didn't laugh. Oh, well.
Nardo
At 4:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, ger sent me a txt, all "april-flower, you are going to love this gift i purchased for you, my sweet almost-fifteen! i cannot wait to see your face when you receive it!" i'm wondering if u r on2 sumthin' abt what kinda gift it is.
dr. morsel made me watch him do a root canal. ew, ew, ew!
apes
At 8:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
I hope Fontaine's not trying to take credit for the basketball team's civilized practice of wearing suits on game days. That's all from me and my captaining. If Drew had his way, we'd be like the hockey team, with their wearing the stinky jerseys on game day.
Pierce
At 2:36 AM,
howard said…
April,
It has been a simply marvelous day all around. I have been so busy, I have not had a chance to post to tell you everything that has happened. My bud Becky has been a busy little poster, so I will try not repeat too much of what she has already said.
This morning I made a gourmet breakfast for Dr. McCauley, Becky’s mom Krystle, and Becky and the dogs Apollo, Zeus and Freyfaxi. Then I took Becky to school and she reminded me it was an early dismissal day, so I wouldn’t be late to go shopping.
At Sugar’s salon, Marjee Mahaha was a little depressed. As you may have seen, Maynard, her ex-boyfriend has been trying to get in contact with her quite a bit lately. I said, “I have breakfast for you, Marjee.” Marjee’s eyes perked up and she said, “It’s so good of you to make breakfast for me. I have could have bought something at Horny Tims.” I said, “No problem, Marjee.” Marjee said, “It’s inconvenient for you and I hate to interrupt your morning activities.” I said, “I’m happy to do it.” Marjee said, “I know how busy you are.” I said, “Marjee. It’s no trouble! Honest! I enjoy cooking for you and watching your eyes get all sparkly when you eat my cooking.” Marjee said, “Well, I hate to be a nuisance, Howard. So, it’s nice to know you don’t mind cooking for me.” I said, “Shut up and eat the food.” She did, and she looked a lot happier.
After I got done giving shamp-Ohs at Sugar’s, it was off to pick up Becky and Gerald outside your school. Gerald was showing off his good manners to Becky and on the ride over, he sounded quite a bit like Marjee did in the salon. Then he scraped himself up trying to open Becky’s door and I had to take him to the First Aid Station in the mall. It was an inauspicious beginning, but Gerald seemed to behave himself as we went to La Petite Coquette to shop for Becky. Becky tried on a lot of clothes because the selection in Milborough is very poor. It was difficult to find something for Becky that walked the fine line of sexy but not slutty for someone of Becky’s age and figure. Becky doesn’t like my “age appropriate” comment, but a girl of 14 simply should not dress like a woman of 30. She may look fine in a 30-year-old’s outfit, but there is still an element of “I am playing dress-up.” We finally found something we could agree on, and Becky looked terrific in it. As you know, Becky is a very pretty girl.
While Becky was trying on things, Gerald said to me he wanted me to shop with him the next time he buys clothes. I was quite surprised. I said, “You want to wear women’s clothes?” Gerald said, “No. Unless you think I would look good in them.” I said, “There are some outfits I would love to see you in, but I think April would kill me if she ever saw you in them. However, I do know something about men’s attire, so we could go shopping if you like. We could even take April with us to get her opinion.” Gerald seemed to like that idea, although I question his motivations.
We spent so much time shopping; we almost didn’t leave enough time for Becky’s pre-date hair and makeup preparation. Well, it was worth it because; as you probably know (but I didn’t at the time) Drew Fontaine was so cute and so romantic. Pink sweetheart roses in the middle of winter. Imagine. They were lovely and they smell so good. I was actually jealous of Becky. To be a teenager out on a date with a good-looking guy again. After she left, I was off to the Valhalla for its opening night.
In her posts, Becky made a number of comments about how the menu and décor looked in the Valhalla. To understand how it got that way, I need to tell a little story. About a week ago, I got a call from a frantic Thorvald asking me to come over to his house. He said it was an emergency. I got to the house and as the door opened, there was Thora-Thora, Thorvald’s pregnant wife opening the door with one hand and holding a big axe in the other. I said, “Thorvald called and said something about an emergency.” Thora-Thora said, “That human deadweight is hiding over there.” And she pointed behind a large workbench that had been propped on its side with 5 or 6 axes having apparently been thrown in the workbench. I said, “Thorvald, what is happening?” Thorvald said, “She has gone mad. The bearer of my son has gone insane.” As I said this, Thora slung another axe into the workbench. She said, “Another insult. I am not insane and I am not fat, you spawn of the Midgard Serpent.” Then she hurled another axe.
I said, “Thorvald. Pregnant women are usually very sensitive. You have to be really nice to them.” Thorvald said, “Thor’s fair Sif never acted this way.” I said, “You have to understand Thorvald. When a woman is pregnant she feels ugly and unattractive, like Sif did when Loki stole Sif’s hair. Thorvald needs a Thor who got the dwarves to make Sif a hair piece made of gold. She does not need a Loki. Are you going to be a Thor or a Loki?” Thora said, “Actually Howard, the reason Sif was upset had nothing to do with being pregnant. Short hair for a Viking woman was a symbol of slavery or prostitution.” I said, “Thank you for the information.” Thorvald said, “A true Viking woman would not be ashamed to be called fat, when she was bearing a strong Viking son.” Another axe went whizzing to the workbench. I said, “How many of those do you have?” Thora said, “As many as it takes.” Realizing an opportunity I said, “Thorvald, if you will agree to the things I have been suggesting for the Valhalla, I will intercede with Thora on your behalf.” Thorvald said, “Never. I will protect the little defenceless naugas to the very end.” Thora said, “Naugas?” I said, “From naugahyde.” Thora said, “There is no such animal as a nauga” and she hurled another axe. Thorvald said, “Are you sure?” Thora slung another axe and said, “Are you questioning my judgment?” The workbench started to split a little. Thorvald said quickly, “Howard, I agree to your terms.” Thora said, “I have had it with men. There is nothing you can offer me that would change my mind about putting an axe into Thorvald..” I said to Thora, “A full body massage, with hair and nails done, and my assistance in choosing your Viking woman’s pregnancy clothing and matching mother-son outfits..” Thora said, “OK. Wow! There is something that would change my mind.” I said to Thorvald, “It’s safe to come out, now.” Thora said, “I want my body massage and nails done now.” So, I did. In any case, Thorvald was a man of his word and things got changed at the Valhalla and much for the better, as far as I am concerned. Thanks for tolerating that digression.
I was backstage putting on my costumes, when Thorvald came back and said, “I am sooo embarrassed. My Becky-Thora is here with a man other than the one I have hand-picked for her at my grand opening.” I said, “You mean Drew Fontaine. He is very good looking. There is no reason to be embarrassed.” Thorvald said, “When you are a father, then you will learn differently.” While he was there, I said, “Thorvald, why do my costumes expose most of my body and my genitalia?” Thorvald said, “Howard, as much as I like you, the audience out there needs something special. Norse opera will put them to sleep.” I said, “Oh my god. You watched the movie Mrs. Henderson presents.” Thorvald said, “It worked for her. You don’t have to jiggle anything, It will be dimly lit or barely covered. Just expose it as if it were a pictorial tableau.” I said, “The audience is made up of old people. They will have a heart attack.” Thorvald said, “Howard. The only ones of those old people who will even recognize what you are doing are the women and with the way your body looks these days, they will not complain.” I said, “This is a dirty trick, Thorvald.” Thorvald said, “Are you going to walk out on all these people who have come to see you perform? Does the show go on?” Damn him. He knows exactly what buttons to push for me.
I did my Norse Opera and discovered the lighting had been subtley changed to accent certain parts of my body in the “pictorial tableaus”. Just as Thorvald said, the old women responded very loudly and the old men slept. I opened with an aria from Der Ring des Nibelungen where Siegfriend speaks of the Rhinegold, and then a golden ring spotlight focussed on a certain body part. I tried to make it as tasteful as possible. During my aria dressed as Brunhilda, the old women started yelling “Take off the breastplate. We want a wardrobe malfunction. That horned helmet is making me horny.” After my performance was over and I signed I don’t know how many old women’s butts, I noticed Becky and her date were not there, but Orque was looking for her. Becky and her date eventually returned and Becky had a few marks on her neck. She seemed to be very happy and so I was very happy for my bud. You won’t notice the hickeys tomorrow unless you look closely.
That was it. A great day!
Howard K.
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