April's Real Blog

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Those Dogs Need Litter Boxes!

So, back 2 Sunday nite. The creaky whmmy shhy noizes were keepin' me up, & there I was huddled on the bed w/Eddie & Dixie. And I had a feeling 4 just 1 moment that my hair looked v. nice, but I didn't have time 2 check in the mirror. I was thinkin', "Chill out, April. B calm, B cool. U wanted 2 stay in the house alone. U watched a movie. It was only a movie. There's no such thing as demonic flesh-eating roach people. There'z nobody downstairs ... Nobody!" Then I got up 2 lock my bedroom door. I leaned against it & thot, "There. My door is locked. I'm totally safe. Nothing can get in." Then the dogz gave me that "Let us outside" look dogs have. & I was all, "WHAT DO U MEAN U HAFTA GO OUTSIDE?!!" Geez, Y can't dogz use a litter box like a cat? Yeah, I know it wd B xtra gross 2 clean that mess, but pooper-scooping is already pretty gross, eh?

Dunc was s00per-psyched abt the Leafs winning last nite, since he'd had that lousy day @ the bank & all. & Jeremy sez "Eva" was dancing around all happy abt the win. I guess if U're gonna B an invisible girl, U mite as well cheer 4 the Leafs.

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 9:48 AM  

43 Comments:

  • At 11:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings today about the demonic flesh-eating roach people. It reminded me of the miskwaanzigan or roach headdress, used by the Ojibway men in dance. A roach is made of colored deer fur and porcupine guard hair, not the sharp quills. The men wear them during the Traditional Dance or the Fancy Dance. The thought of a person who looks like a roach headdress is very funny, even if he is demonic and eats flesh.

    Today I am leaving for Mtigwaki to take your sister to a cabin deep in the Northwestern woods for the last part of her March break. The cabin belongs to a friend of mine who owes me a favour. It is well-stocked. It is close to a place for good cross-country skiing and ice fishing. I suggested to your sister that we leave Shiimsa with Vivian Crane, but she said if there was fresh fish involved in the trip, Shiimsa would want to be there. So, I am packing a lot of bandages, and waterproof clothing for me. Your sister plans to take her cell phone, so she may write you.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 11:51 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, omg, u're rite abt my arse & legz. that, like, totally crept up on me. thanx 4 the recipe & dinner plan. i'm totally goin' 2 the store after i post this 2 shop 4 the ingredz.

    sorry abt the lame-arse stretched-out storytelling. i totally tried 2 resist it. like, when i sat down 2 write my post this morning, i told myself i was gonna tell the whole story. but when i got 2 the end of the part abt yellin' @ the dogs, it's like my mind blanked out & i cdn't think of what else happed. it must b sum patterson curse. mayB if i ever solve my hair problem i can also fig out how 2 solve the storytelling one, 2. but, like, i'm pretty sure i survived the nite, since i'm here 2 write theze lame entriez. & every1 can still c & hear me ok, so i guess i'm not a ghost. (jeremy, is yr invisible friend a ghost?)

    paul, do u have ne pix of ppl wearing that roach headdress. that soundz diff, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 12:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, 1st lemme say that eva & i hadda good tyme @ur house last nite watchin’ the game. thanx 4 lettin’ us come over & eat ur indian food.

    this mornin’ eva woke me up & sed, “jeremy. get up. take this food 2 ur mom.” i sed, “wtf. it’s march break. i can sleep l8.” eva sed, “now i can touch things, i made brekkie 4 ur mom, but u gotta take it n2 her.” i sed, “wut tyme iz it?’ eva sed, “jeremy. up. give food 2 mom. go. go. go.” i sed, “ok.” i took the food 2 mom & she sed, “brekkie n bed, jeremy? did u make this?” i sed, “no. eva made it. i dunno y.” mom sed, “i dunno y u nsist on havin’ an imaginary girl n the house, but if she iz making brekkie, then az far az i am concerned she can stay.” i sed, “i’ll let her know.”

    so i wuz headin’ back 2 bed & eva sed, “wut ru doin’, jeremy?’ i sed, “goin’ back 2 bed, or i shud say, ‘goin’ back 2 my cot.’” eva sed, “i have a full day planned 4 us jeremy. u need 2 shower & get dressed.” i sed, “yru doin’ this, eva?” eva sed, “aftah last nite @april’s house. i wuz watchin’ the leafs win & dancin’ around, u remembah?” i sed, “i remembah.” eva sed, “well. i wuz havin’ so much fun, i completely 4got no1 cud c me.” “xxcept me.” i sed. eva sed, “yeah. i figger it’s possible i may nevah b able 2 go back 2 the way thingz were. i cud end up livin’ w/u 4evah.” i sed, “thass depressin’” eva sed, “b-lieve me i know that. but sumtymez u gotta shake off thoze bluez & live w/wut u got. u can’t go around b-ing scared of strange noises or demonic flesh-eating roach people.” i sed, “wut r talkin’ ‘bout?” eva sed, “a movie i saw once. neway, i decided that if i am gonna live w/u, i need 2 make this a place where i can live.” i sed, “wut do u mean?”

    eva sed, “jeremy. u have been rilly nice 2 me l8ly. howevah, as ur friend i gotta tell u, ur a slob, & ur not v. nice 2 ur mom.” i sed, “wtf? iam not a slob & my mom & i get along gr8.” eva sed, “i unnerstand part of this iz cuz ur a guy & guyz r usually slobs & not v. nice peeps. but since i am livin’ here, i think ur room needs sum mprovement. it cud definitely use a feminine touch.” i sed, “if u put girly stuff n my room, my mom iz gonna think i am nuts 4 sure.” eva sed, “if u did more stuff around the house 2 help ur mom, she will not care how much girly stuff u have n ur room. don’t worry jeremy. i can touch thingz now, evn if i can’t touch peeps 4 sum reazn, so i will help. this house needz a gud cleanin’ & while ur mom iz @work, we r gonna do sum cleanin’.” i sed, “wtf? did u suddenly wake up & decide 2 h8 me.?”

    eva sed, “jeremy. we hafta b rilly clear ‘bout sumthin’. am i welcome 2 live w/u or not?” i sed, “well, yeah. i dunno wut else u can do.” eva sed, “no jeremy. 4 real. this iz a big commitment. i may nevah turn visible again. ru gonna let me stay w/u 4 mebbe the rest of my life.” i sed, “well, since i am a str8 guy n mboro, i am prolly gonna die b4 u. mebbe n a few yearz.” eva sed, “jeremy. i’m serious. i gotta know. can i count on u, or do i needta leave & try 2 make a life on my own?” i sed, “u can count on me eva 4 az long az it takes. but do we hafta clean?” eva started cryin’ & sed, “jeremy. jeremy. jeremy. ur a rilly nice guy.” & she hugged me ‘round the neck rilly, rilly tite, like my eyez were popping out & i cudn’t breathe. i wheezed out, “can’t breathe.” eva sed, “oh sorry. wen i get emotional i hug pretty hard.” i sed, “i gotta pee.”

    so, 2day i am cleanin’. & cleanin’ & cleanin’ & cleanin’. if u evah come 2 room, which i hope u nevah do, u will now c pink thingz n there. u can also take a white glove 2 the baseboard & come back w/a clean fingah. don’t evah come 2 my room.

     

  • At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    FAUSTUS--

    I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GOING ON THIS STUPID FUCKING TRIP. I WOULD STAY HOME, BUT I HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT DAMNED MOUNTIE DOESN'T GET LAID.

    GOD, HOW I HATE HIM. I WISH HE WOULD BUZZ OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE WITH MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND. SHE IS STUPID AND THEREFORE EASY TO BEND TO MY WILL. THE MOUNTIE HAS A BIT MORE BRAIN POWER AND IS THUS A CONSTANT THORN IN MY SIDE.

    STILL, HE IS DIMWITTED ENOUGH THAT I CAN CONTROL HIM THROUGH MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND. HUMAN MEN ARE PATHETIC. THEY WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE COOZ.

    OH WELL, AT LEAST THERE WILL BE FISH.

    AFFECTIONATELY, ANGRA MAINYU

     

  • At 12:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest April flower,

    I want to assure you that my relationship with Becky is purely professional. There was one slight wardrobe malfunction last night which caused me to see her nipple, but I assure you, I worked really hard at not getting aroused. Mead really helps with that.

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

  • At 12:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your request for pictures. I was unable to find a good picture of an Objibway roach headdress, but this website
    has some excellent pictures of roach headdresses that are very similar to Ojibway, although not as nice. If you ever come to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) during a pow-wow, you will see many of these headdresses. Your sister has told me she would love for you to visit.

    I have to go now. Your sister said Shiimsa was a little anxious about our trip and may need more fresh fish than usual to convince her to go. I have to stop by the Spruce Narrows grocer for fish on the way to Mtigwaki (Land of Trees).

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:03 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am so sorry. I have completely lost control of the situation at the Valhalla. While I was looking at swatches of fabric, Becky came in from Gerald’s bodyguard training; looking like someone had beaten her. She was bruised from head to toe by your brute of a boyfriend, while Becky’s dad, Thorvald was smiling about what a good job he had done and handing him a glass of mead. I swear if I had been there for that, I would have put a stop to it. Thorvald and I had words, believe me, and your boyfriend enjoyed soda and not mead. I spent most of the evening treating Becky’s bruises. She’s very delicate. I don’t know what Thorvald and your boyfriend were thinking, treating her like that.

    However it got worse. This morning I started to make Becky breakfast and she said, “No Howie. Marjee Mahaha and I are going on a special diet I am making myself.” I was trying really hard not to be insulted, until Becky said, “The drink isn't so bad if you hold your nose when you drink it.” I know that Becky is trying to encourage you to go along on this diet with her, but honestly, if you are living with a guy who used to work as a professional chef, just ask him to make you a diet plate that tastes great. Becky is probably trying to show her independence, since her parents are away. What is it with you girls wanting independence from your parents? I would have loved for my mom to have made me breakfast, when I was a teenager.

    I am trying to adjust, but Marjee is here at the salon talking about the same thing and her breath reeks of that diet drink. I can’t stand to be near her. I wonder if she will let me shampoo her mouth.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, thanx 4 nothin' 4 mentionin' the basement. eva saw ur post & thass next on our list of thingz 2 clean. i usedta think our house wuz small till 2day.

    eva sez i have 2 make sure there r no demonic flesh-eating roach peeps n the basement b4 she will come down 2 help me clean it. girls can b so wimpy sumtymez.

     

  • At 1:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, my skin'z been nice, peachy & flawless ever since that acnomor kicked in & cleared up the zitz fr. hell. but mayB the pumpkin stuff will help w/the prevention, eh?

    ger, i b'lieve u abt the professional thing. tho i miss u! wanna get 2gether 2day?

    jeremy, is yr mom worried abt the pink, or is she just happy abt the cleaning? or both?

    paul, thanx 4 the link. sum of thoze pix remind me of the scaree movie roaches.

    apes

     

  • At 1:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I wish Howard had just slipped me a breath mint instead of complaining about my breath here on your blog, April! Geesh! Luckily, I have Certs in my purse.

    Marjee

     

  • At 1:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I hated cleaning when my Mom used to make me do it. Now, if I could get my Mom back, I'd clean all day if she wanted me to. Oh, no, I feel some tears coming on. And Jeremy tells me the basement is clear of demonic, flesh-eating roaches. I hope he's right.

    Eva

     

  • At 1:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, mom izn't home frum work yet, so she duzn't know 'bout the pink or the cleanin'. i am xxpectin' the worst. she will either have a heart attack or hit me ovah the head w/a fryin' pan.

    eva sez i shudn't worry. she sez momz like clean places. then she criez a little. she iz rilly emotional 'bout cleanin'. i feel like cryin' 2, but 4 diffrent reazns.

    ok. now i gotta kill all the spiders n the basement. checking 4 demonic, flesh-eating roaches iz not enuff 4 eva.

     

  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Spiders! I hate spiders! That basement has giant spider webs.

    Eva

     

  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, lemme tell u sumthin’ u don’t wanna do. if u come outa a basement covered w/spider webs frum cleaning them up, u don’t wanna sneak up b-hind a scared girl. my head still hurts frum that fryin’ pan. eva sed she thot i wuz a demonic flesh-eating spider person. wen she is not laffin’, she sez she iz sorry.

     

  • At 1:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    LOLOLOL!

    Oh, sorry, Jeremy.

    Eva

     

  • At 1:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I don’t know how to tell Marjee that Certs is not going to cut that diet drink breath. She made a point of walking over to the shamp-Oh area and popping the Certs in front of me. That’s the problem with diet drinks. People who take them are hungry and hungry people are angry people.

    Oh, good. Sugar just handed Marjee a big bottle of mouthwash. That might work.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, my head haz cleared enuff so eva & i r gonna do the basement now. wut iz w/u girlz & fryin' panz? my dad tellz me outside of mboro, wen women get upset they slap peeps. have u evah heard of that? it mite not hurt az much az a fryin' pan.

     

  • At 1:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy, remember back in grade 6, when all the boyz hadta watch a filmstrip called "when a boy becomes a man" & the girlz hadta watch one called "when a girl becomes a woman"? ours had a part abt using frying panz. i guess the non-mboro version of the filmstrip prolly doesn't have that, eh?

    apes

     

  • At 3:09 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    No offense Becks, but Marjee's breath smelled like wet dog when I stopped by the salon 2 drop off her crimping iron. She's got that customer who wants 2 have totally 1980's, stupid big hair. Marjee sed she has weird fantasies of doing cartwheels on Jaguars like Tawny Kitaen n those Whitesnake videos, but Tawny's hair was just teased & not crimped. Marjee wasn't gonna do this sort of style bcause it'd b like violating the Hippocratic oath of hairstylists, but this woman leaves v. generous tips.

    Bsides, there's an easier way to stay slim--just go vegetarian like me!

    So I gave Marjee the tin of Altoids I just bought 4 myself. She needs em more than I do, & I can get another. She popped 1 n her mouth as I left, so that should help business.

    Vicks

     

  • At 3:26 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Before you get all righteously indignant on me, ask anyone around you to smell your breath. That kind of breath is harassment, if you ask me. I think Marjee’s has finally calmed down. She says she may throw a few breath mints into the blender the next time she makes the diet drink.

    I, however, think Vicki Simone’s recommendation is good. I have a number of vegetarian recipes that are excellent and do not harass anyone except the vegetables. I will gladly make them for you. If you agree, I may even show you where I hid the blender.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, eva & i r still workin’ on the basement. that place iz a mess. i remembah back n grade 6, c-ing the filmstrip "wen a boy becomez a man." unlike the girls' filmstrip, ours didn’t have fryin’ panz, but there wuz a part n there ‘bout self-defense usin’ ear-tweakin’. now that i think ‘bout it, there wuz also a part ‘bout how 2 make out ur will if ur str8. i thot it wuz kinda funny then, but not az much now.

     

  • At 4:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Bad breath and even body odour are side effects of ketosis, a state we're going into because of our very low-calorie diet. Interesting, I found a discussion started by a hairdresser having the same problem. Small world, eh?

    Maybe Howard and Vicki have a point.

    Marjee

     

  • At 4:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks made me a special chart 2 record measurements an' goals & keep track of caloriez & exercise. i am v. motivated 2 get my butt & legz lookin' petite. now that we r dun w/the measurements (yikes), we r getting ready 2 work out in becky's custom gym. it's v. cube!

    apes

     

  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I have arrived at Mtigwaki. Your sister and I packed up the car and we had an interesting time getting Shiimsa into the cat carrier. I gave her 3 fresh fish, which she ate. Then when it was time for her to get into the cat carrier, your sister said Shiimsa said 3 fresh fish was not enough to get her to ride in the carrier. I argued 3 fresh fish is 2 fresh fish more than I frequently fling to Shiimsa. Your sister said I should furnish a fourth fresh fish to finalize the deal. I said 3 fresh fish is enough. Now it is time to force the feline to fulfill her function and fill the cat carrier with her furry flesh. Shiimsa went, “Ffft!” Your sister said, “See. You have flustered her. Fetch the fourth fish.” I said, “I would have to fire up the car, floor it and fly to Spruce Narrows for the fourth fresh fish. Don’t defer to your feline. What did you do the final time you have had to force the furry feline to conform yourself?”

    Your sister said, “I used a tea towel.” I said, “Let’s try the tea towel then, so we can travel before tomorrow.” Your sister went to get a tea towel and I heard her say, “This is terrible.” I said, “What’s the trouble?” Your sister said, “The tea towels have all been totally torn.” I said, “This tiger is tricky. We will have to try another tactic.” Your sister said, “Shiimsa says you are too thickheaded and witless to trick her into the cat carrier.” I said, “This kitty is ticking me off. Let’s travel without taking her.” Your sister said, “What are you telling me to transact?” I said, “To the car and we traverse to the cottage.” Your sister was terribly unsettled, but traipsed out.

    I said to your sister, “Put the open door of the cat carrier touching the outside door of your apartment so if an animal came out it would go right into the cat carrier.” Then I opened the apartment door slightly and Shiimsa flew into the cat carrier. I snapped the door shut. Shiimsa was not happy. Your sister said, “She swears revenge on you.” I said, “If revenge she has, then fresh fish she will have not.” We are finally on our way to the cabin. I am glad I packed lots of bandages.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Torture. This is just torture. 3 oz. of lean chicken with no seasoning. 1 cup of steamed veggies with no seasoning. 1 cup of fresh tomatoes with no seasoning. Why does Becky want this bland, bland, bland food for supper? I can so do a great vegetarian dish, that would make this awful mess stand up, salute and sing “Oh Canada.”

    Becky thinks I am overprotective of her, after the way she was bruised up yesterday. If anything I wasn’t protective enough. Armor sounds like a good idea to me. Becky also doesn’t want me to say anything to upset April about the diet, as if I would do such a thing to sweet April. So, I am not saying a word. Not one word. I think my noseplugs will say it all for me. God, this food is terrible. I can’t believe I am cooking it.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky asked me to join her and April at Becky's gym, so I came here directly from work. Becky's on the versaclimber and April's on the treadmill. April's doing this all-out run and chanting something about shrinking her arse. Becky's doing a song about matchstick legs. I'm going to go change into my workout gear and get on the stationary bike.

    Paul, have you always been into alliterations? Your post reminded me a little of that article from April's brother she posted this past Sunday.

    Marjee

     

  • At 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear April,

    I am so upset. So far, this trip is terrible! Shiimsa is angry with Paul for tricking her. Paul is angry at Shiimsa for being so troublesome. Shiimsa is angry with me for letting Paul capture her without giving in to her demands for another fish. I am angry with Shiimsa for being angry with me.

    But most of all, I am angry with Paul for starting all this conflict. If he would just give in to Shiimsa's demands, we would not have to have any unpleasantness. But he wouldn't, and now we have all had to be angry! Ooh! I never thought I would say this, but Anthony has at least one attractive trait--he works hard to avoid conflict.

    Paul has been asking me why I am being so quiet. Why is he doing this?!? The only thing worse than starting conflict is talking about it! If we don't talk about it, it will all just go away, right?

    I have asked Paul to pull over so I can get in the back seat with Shiimsa. She is very upset, and is howling like crazy. I think she will be happy if I sit back there with her, and take her out of the carrier so I can hold her and pet her.

    You are so lucky that Gerald does whatever you want and doesn't cause fights with your pets.

    Liz

     

  • At 6:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Fortunately there is not much traffic between Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) and the cabin. Your sister said she wanted me to pull over so she could get in the back seat with Shiimsa to calm her down. She is so wonderful with Shiimsa. It is one of the reasons I love her.

    Unfortunately, I did not realize she meant to take Shiimsa out of her carrier. Fortunately I packed a lot of bandages. Unfortunately, after slashing me repeatedly around the face, Shiimsa ran off into the woods. Fortunately she did not go very far. Unfortunately, she has told your sister her condition for coming back to the car is that I must take off my scarf and lift my neck to expose my throat. It shouldn’t be too difficult, since Shiimsa already shredded most of my scarf trying to get to my neck.

    Your sister says if I just give in to Shiimsa’s demands, we can finish our trip. My sweet girl is a real peacemaker. I would do anything for her.

    Neck going up now. I hope this doesn’t hurt too much.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Well, Gerald was getting on my nerves, slobbering all over the window. I just cleaned that window. I think Gerald has some kind of drooling problem. I sent Freyfaxi out to distract him. That worked pretty well. Gerald smells so much like mead and Brennevin, Freyfaxi knocked him right to the ground and has been licking Gerald’s face to get the leftover Brennevin and mead off. I don’t think Gerald is going to need to shave tomorrow.

    Exercise. Measure. Exercise. Measure. These girls. I tried to tell them about using free weights, but I got this, “Howie. Don’t be silly. We don’t want to look like boys.” Me personally, I like the free weights. It is a good tension reliever when you are asked to put nasty no calorie seasoning on food. I swear I am taking my name off the credits for this food. I was going to claim we didn’t have any no calorie seasoning until that Gerald said, “I have some. My mom makes me pack them in my jacket.” Next time, I am going to sic Apollo and Zeus on that boy instead of Freyfaxi. I am still mad at him for bruising up Becky the way he did. I really have to lift some weights tonight.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, after we finished our workout & measuring, becks invited marjee & me 2 stay 4 dinner. then she scraped ger off the window & sed he mite as well stay 2. howard was livid cuz he sez he made this meal under duress & it wd damage his professional reputation. becks rolled her eyez & was all, "howie, no sweat, we'll all sign a st8ment saying i made u cook that way." howard totally ran 2 becky's computer & made 4 copiez of his st8ment.

    apes

     

  • At 7:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, eva & finally finished cleanin’ my house & then eva started dinner. mom came home & the 1st thing she sed 2 me wuz, “wtf have u done? did u murder sum1? did u get a girl n trubble?” b4 i cud answer thoze mportant questionz, n thru the door walks my future dad & future sis. future dad sed, “icu have been cleanin’, honey.” future sis sed, “so that’s wut the colour of the wallz rilly were.” my mom sed, “don’t distract me. jeremy jones. wtf have u done that wud cause u2 clean this house?” i sed, “eva wunted 2 live n a clean house. don’t u like it? we have been workin’ all day on it.” future dad sed, “omg. ur rite dear. jeremy haz lost it. wut’s 4 dinner?” my future sis sed, “it smellz gud, jeremy.” i sed, “i didn’t make dinner. eva did.” my mom sed, “i thot u sed ur imaginary friend eva cudn’t touch nething.” i sed, “she usedta not b able 2 touch thingz, but now she can.” my mom sed, “ok. jeremy. is eva here?” i sed, “rite ovah there.” & i pointed to eva. “but she can only touch things, not peeps.” my future dad waved his arm rite thru eva. eva sed, “hey! personal space, mister.” my mom sed, “ok. if eva can touch thingz. tell her to lift up sumthin’ so we can c it.” i sed, “ok. eva lift that fryin’ pan & show them.” so eva went 2 the fryin’ pan & her handz went rite thru it. she sed, “omg. jeremy. i can’t touch it & i just touched it a couple of minutes ago.” my future sis sed, “iz eva by the fryin’ pan?” i sed, “she’s ovah there, but 4 sum reazn she can’t lift it nemore. it’s like last nite, wen april cud hear her, but wen she hadda prove april cud hear her, then april cudn’t hear her nemore.” my mom started cryin’ & my future dad went ovah 2 hold her. eva wuz tryin’ 2 touch othah thingz, but everytnin’ was goin’ thru her fingahz. she ran ovah 2 me & touched me 2 make sure she still cud.

    my future sis sed, “hey, jeremy. i b-lieve u. ur way 2 lazy 2 do all this cleanin’ unless it wuz 4 sum girl. girlz can get u2 do almost nething. ur so pitiful.” i sed, “u b-lieve me?” my future sis sed, “& i will bet the dinner iz way bettah than nething u wud evah cook.” i sed, “thass prolly rite.” my future sis sed, “lemme xxplain it 2 dad & future mom.” so my future sis went ovah 2 my mom & future dad & she xxplained how i cudn’t have done this cleanin’ myself or the cookin’ myself. my mom calmed down a bit & we had dinner. eva sed, “ur future sis iz way cube.” i sed, “yeah. way cube.”

    mom got a little upset again wen i asked if eva cud have a chair 2 sit down w/us. future dad sed, “so if ur imaginary friend can’t touch nething now, how is she eatin’?” i sed, “i hafta feed her. i have gotten rilly gud @dangling food off a fork near her mouth wen i am n front of othah peeps.” i demonstr8ed & eva 8 the food off the fork. my future dad sed, “wut did u do? fling the food?” eva sed, “wut? iz he blind?” i sed, “no. eva 8 the food off the fork.” i showed him again & my mom sed, “jeremy. thass enuff. ur gonna make a mess n my rilly clean house.” eva sed, “but u didn’t evn move the fork that tyme.” my mom sed, “by the way, did u get all the spiders outa the basement?” i sed, “yes, mom. i got all the spiders.” my mom sed, “did u do the windowz?” i sed, “no, mom. eva did the windowz. she sed i wuz leavin’ streaks.” eva sed, “we r gonna hafta train u on windowz, jeremy.”

    aftah dinner, my mom & future dad were talkin’ ‘bout borin’ stuff, so eva & me & my future sis went 2 my room. my future sis sed, “omg, jeremy. pink, pink, & more pink.” i sed, “eva likes pink.” eva sed, “pink is the perfect colour.” my future sis sed, “so, jeremy. ru & this girl doin’ it?” i sed, “wtf kinda question iz that?” my future sis sed, “it’s the perfect setup. a girl n ur room, ur mom duzn’t b-lieve she is there.” i sed, “no. eva & ir not doin’ it. she sleeps on my bed. i sleep on that cot ovah there across the room.” my future sis sed, “is she ugly or sumthin’?” i sed, “no. eva iz rilly pretty.” eva sed, “thass nice of u2 say, jeremy. thanx.” my future sis sed, “so y aren’t u2 doin’ it?” i sed, “i’m the only 1 who can take care of eva now, till she gets back 2 where peeps can see her & touch her again. 2 take advantage of sum1 wen they’re defenceless iz about the meanest thing sum1 can do.” future sis sed, “ur rilly serious about his, aren’t u, jeremy.” i sed, “az serious az i can b.” eva sed, “jeremy i dunno wut 2 say.” my future sis sed, “wut can i do 2 help?’ i sed, “eva needz thingz 2 do she haz nevah done b4, but nothin’ bad. the more thingz she can do, the more peeps can c her.” so we r tryin’ 2 think of thingz 4 eva 2 do.

     

  • At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It was really hard for me to resist complimenting Jeremy's future sister on her hairclip and shoes, but I did. I'm pretty certain that slipping up on this got me into trouble last night. One moment April could see and hear me, and the next she couldn't. What happened in between was me saying, "April! I love your hairclip and shoes! Accessories are very interesting this year!" Then poof. And I don't think Duncan ever heard me saying that I wished he had ignored all that "I'm not ready for commitment" stuff and asked me out. But now I think he probably was never interested in me that way.

    Anyway, I can't even explain how good it feels to have another person believing I exist. I'm pretty sure hearing that made me shimmer. We're now brainstorming on things I've never done. I never really thought about how many things there are that I haven't done!

    Eva

     

  • At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I managed to convince Shiimsa to get back in the car without slashing Paul's throat. She went back in the carrier without too much protest. I think she was just eager for the trip to be over.

    We did not talk much on the rest of the drive. When we reached the cabin, I let Shiimsa out, and then spent the next 45 minutes cleaning Paul's wounds. We did not speak much then, either. Paul was not in the mood to talk because he was trying to suppress screams. I was not in the mood to talk because I am still irritated with him.

    I am even more irritated now that I see this cabin has only one bed. It is clear what Paul thought we would be doing while we were here. Shiimsa and I reminded him of the "no hiking" rule. Then Shiimsa chose which side of the bed she wanted to sleep on while Paul tried to pick the part of the floor with the least splintery boards to put his sleeping bag down.

    I hope he doesn't realize how mad I am at him. If he did know, he might want to talk about it. Paul seems to have a confrontational streak. I don't think I like that particular side of him. I hope he realizes that the best thing to do when one has a persistent problem in a relationship is to just not talk about it. But Native people seem to be big on talking out their problems. It is their biggest fault.

    Liz

     

  • At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    MY DARLING ANGRA MAINYU,

    I CANNOT BEAR TO BE SHUT UP INDOORS IN SUBURBAN HELL ANY LONGER. HEAVEN IS TO BE WITH YOU, SLASHING THE MOUNTIE, DRINKING HIS BLOOD, EATING FRESH FISH, AND LICKING YOUR EARS.

    I LEAVE TOMORROW WHEN THE OLDER MALE TOOPID GOES TO WORK. HE IS UNOBSERVANT AND I WILL EASILY SLIP BY HIM WHEN HE GOES OUT THE DOOR.

    WAIT FOR ME, MY DARLING,
    YOUR DEVOTED FAUSTUS

     

  • At 8:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dearest Howard flower,

    That was the tastiest meal I've had in ages! It was almost as good as the time I had blackened butt casserole at the Pattersons' house. Believe me, it is way better than protein superfood smoothies. You used those no-cal seasonings in a way I've never seen before. I'm going to try to get my mom to do it that way.

    Devotedly, Gerald

     

  • At 8:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, dear. I seem to be having some technical difficulties posting to my friendship list. I'm sorry about my previous post. Have a wonderful evening, whoever you are!

     

  • At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    MY BELOVED FAUSTUS--

    I EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR COMPANY AS I ROT IN THIS STINKING RUSTIC HELLHOLE OF A FISHING CABIN. THE MOUNTIE STILL LIVES. I WILL DEFER HIS SLAUGHTER UNTIL YOU ARRIVE.

    I WILL INSTRUCT THE MOUNTIE TO POST OUR ADDRESS IN A MESSAGE TO FOLLOW THIS ONE. I HAVE A BAD SENSE OF DIRECTION.

    ADORINGLY, ANGRA MAINYU

     

  • At 9:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks is rite, that dinner was v. good. don't worry abt my skin, becks, like i sed, it's been clear since the acnomor kicked in. it's not like i'm permanently tainted, eh?

    liz, i don't think it's healthy 2 avoid conflict @ all costs & not talk thingz over. i know mom has a habit of ignoring stuff that bothers her 4 long periodz of time, but remember how she gets 2 that point where she xplodes & goez crazy yellin' @ every1 & goin' totally psycho so we're totally scared of her. that's what happs when u let this stuff get bottled up.

    apes

     

  • At 9:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz!

    My harried heart pulses proudly knowing your wholesome half-native beau appreciates alliteration and assonance. One of my underlings once said, "Mike, you are such an ass. . . . onant associate!" He paused to drink a glass of water in that space I indicate with ellipses. Anyway, dear Elizabeth, I am glad I have been such an inspiring influence on your taste in men!

    Love,

    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 10:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    nishki in Ojibway means to irritate somebody. I think this is what I have done to your sister. Normally my conversations with your sister are friendly, animated and enjoyable. Not now. She is silent. I have tried introducing our favourite discussions of politics, religion, family, and string theory. She does not speak. She is nishki with me.

    I have found a flaw in your sister. I never thought I would, since she is perfect, but I did. When she is not talking and treating wounds, she is not as gentle as when she talks and treats wounds. I think it was because she was nishki, when she was treating my wounds.

    I think she thought I thought we would be sleeping together since there was only one bed in the cabin. My friend who loaned me the cabin is a man who is not engaged and he comes here alone. I tried to show I wasn’t thinking what your sister thought I was thinking, by showing her I brought my sleeping bag. I don’t think it worked. She is still nishki.

    Your sister got a message from your brother. She became even more nishki. I tried to explain when I get nervous I stutter when I talk, and when I type and I am nervous sometimes I use alliteration. Your sister said it was nonsense. The way she types, speaks, and thinks are all one and the same. If she uses an ellipse in speech, she uses it in her thoughts also. That way is strange to me. I have many things to learn about your sister. She is mayagenim (mysterious), in addition to being nishki.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 10:42 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Now I am shopping for grapefruit. Grapefruit. Grapefruit. And more grapefruit. Freaking Milborough groceries stink. I have to go store to store to get enough grapefruit. Becky said I could buy the unsweetened grapefruit juice in a jar instead of squeezing it myself. I said, “Are you insane? I have some principles, you know.” She said, “Howie? Get in a better mood will you? I am trying to lose those extra pounds, and it doesn’t help if you are going be so bitchy about it.” Honestly, I am going to have to do a better job with Becky’s culinary education. If she went on some diet plan like Weight Watchers, where you measure points but have choices, then I could put on a magnificent feed and Becky could still lose weight. She is so stubborn. I guess she will have to learn this the hard way.

    My second major problem is that now Gerald is following me around. If I have to hear “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach one more time.” I may get violent. I must admit however, that I kind of like hearing the phrase, “Howard flower” coming from a young attractive man. It would be more appealing if he were over 18 and not a sycophant. Now he’s looking over my shoulder and saying, “If you cooked for me, I would go on Weight Watchers.” I am going to have to lift some more weights when I get home.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i have had a v. innerestin’ evenin’ w/eva & my future sis. the future sis wuz thinkin’ ‘bout thingz eva hazn’t done & she sed, “well. wen it comez 2 life, the big 1s r sex, marriage, babies, job, & learnin’ 2 drive.” eva sed, “i rilly can’t do thoze.” my future sis sed, “w8 a minute. i have my g2 licence. eva can learn 2 drive.” eva sed, “how can i do that if i can’t touch nething?” i sed, “eva sez she still can’t touch nething.” my future sis sed, “but she can touch u & u can touch the car. jeremy. u will sit on the rite. eva will be n the middle & i will on the left. u will hold the wheel & eva will hold ur handz holdin’ the wheel. i will handle the brake & accelerator.” i sed, “thass crayzee. the police will pull us ovah.” my future sis sed, “y? it will look like i am drivin’, since they can’t c eva.”

    so, my future sis sed 2 my mom & future dad, “we’re goin’ 2 the store 4 sum soda.” my mom wuz getting’ a little romantical w/my future dad. she sed, “don’t hurry back.” i sed, “we won’t.” so we got n the car. future sis on the left, eva n the middle, me on the rite. eva sed, “jeremy this iz crayzee. we cud get hurt.” i sed, “learnin’ 2 drive iz a big thing, eva. my future sis iz rite.” so we took off, slowly cuz i wuz havin’ to reach 2 get the wheel & eva had her handz on my handz. my future sis sed, “duz eva have her handz on ur handz?” i sed, “yes.” my future sis sed, “ok. ur just holdin’ the wheel. ur not driving. let eva move the wheel w/ur handz.” that wuz harder than i thot it wud b, 2 let sum1 else move ur handz, but we drove 2 the store & got soda. then my future sis sed, “we needta find an empty lot, so eva can do the accelerator & brake 2.” eva sed, “i know where an empty lot iz.” i sed 2 my future sis, “eva iz driving us 2 an mt lot she knowz.” we came up 2 this house & eva sed, “this iz where my house usedta b. now it’s an mt lot.” i sed, “eva. there’z a house here now.” eva sed, “wtf? ask ur sis if she can c the house.” i sed 2 my future sis, “duz this look like an mt lot or a house?” my future sis sed, “wtf kinda question iz that? it’s an mt lot.” i sed, “holy crap. this iz where eva’z house iz & i can c it.” so, i got outa the car, but the house wuz transparent, like i cud walk through it & not touch it. it wuz weird. eva sed, “can uc ne1 n the house?” i sed, “no. it looks mt.” eva wuz sad then. she sed, “we needta go 2 anothah mt lot.” so we went 2 anothah place & drove & drove & drove. eva was pushin’ my feet w/her feet & pushin’ my handz w/her handz. my future sis sed, “jeremy, az a driver u stink. but az a driver b-ing pushed by anothah driver, u r doin’ pretty gud.” then eva shimmered again & my future sis sed, “whoa! wut wuz that?” eva sed, “can she c me?” i sed, “wut did uc?” my future sis sed, “eva iz a black girl w/blonde hair, rite?” i sed, “yes.” my future sis sed, “if i squint, i can c her. but if i open my eyez, she disappearz.” eva reached out 4 my sis, but her hand went rite thru her. i sed, “can u touch thingz again?” eva grabbed the wheel of the car. she sed, “i think i am drivin’ us home.” i wuz rilly happy & so wuz eva. i sed 2 my future sis, “ur a gr8 sis. i can’t w8 4 our ‘rents 2 get married.” my future sis sed, “don’t count on it b-ing netime soon. ur mom sez n mboro, peeps have long courtships.”

     

  • At 11:21 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Gerald,

    Hypothetically speaking, if you were to turn gay, and wooed me properly with music and gifts and were not underage, not bruising up my bud Becky, and not acting like a general weirdo all the time, then marriage would be a possibility. And if we were married, I would cook for you morning, noon, and night. Hypothetically speaking.

    Actually speaking. Get your drooling face off my window and go home. These grapefruit are not for you. Actually speaking.

    Howard K.

     

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