Stupidity Rocks
D00dz, sorry, it loox like I'm back 2 talkin' abt myself, which prolly meanz I'll B yammering abt myself thru Saturday @ the least. Gah, I tried, tried 2 resist, but I sat down & all I could think 2 tell U was--
OK, well U mite've noticed I wasn't much 4 posting yesterday. Apologiez 4 that. I was so xcited abt having the house all 2 myself I barely looked @ the 'puter. U hafta understand, normally @ my house, U can't take junk food outta the cupboards w/out my Mom snatching them away & devouring them rite b4 yr eyez. So last nite, I loaded up my arms & stupidly did an inventory of the snacks I was taking w/me 2 go watch TV: "Cola, nippy-nutz, Cheez-o-puffs, Choko mallow bars, an' cereal! ...A balanced diet!" Hm, I even think "an'". The only reason NE1 sez "an'" is, like, it takes soooo much effort 2 pronounce that "duh" sound @ the end. If U really, really listen 2 peeps talking, they rarely ever really pronounce that end "D", but typically it soundz more like "en" not "an'", like U'd think we're goin' around saying the name "Ann". NEway, this is all according 2 my English teacher. So, like, it's weird 2 think "an'", eh? But I'm really getting away from my topic. Bcuz my topic is kinda (well, not kinda) stupid. But, it's my topic, so here goez. As I was carrying the snacks, with the dogs lopin' along cuz, y'know, snacks, I started talking 2 myself. That didn't take long, eh? I was all, "Alone, alone--I love being alone! I can watch TV, go online, talk on the phone...I'm FREEE!" Then l8r: "Hah! 12 o'clock--I'm never allowed 2 stay up this l8 on a school nite!" Right after that, I thot, "Stupidity rocks!" This was as a movie called Horror in the House came up on the tube, "for mature audiences only."
So, Dunc, how was that club? Vatikan? Did U get back in2 the Malkmuses house OK? Becks, how's the Valhalla coming along? Ger, R U hung over again? Jeremy, still talkin' 2 yr imaginary friend? Howard, have NE more of yr shoez been harmed?
Apes
OK, well U mite've noticed I wasn't much 4 posting yesterday. Apologiez 4 that. I was so xcited abt having the house all 2 myself I barely looked @ the 'puter. U hafta understand, normally @ my house, U can't take junk food outta the cupboards w/out my Mom snatching them away & devouring them rite b4 yr eyez. So last nite, I loaded up my arms & stupidly did an inventory of the snacks I was taking w/me 2 go watch TV: "Cola, nippy-nutz, Cheez-o-puffs, Choko mallow bars, an' cereal! ...A balanced diet!" Hm, I even think "an'". The only reason NE1 sez "an'" is, like, it takes soooo much effort 2 pronounce that "duh" sound @ the end. If U really, really listen 2 peeps talking, they rarely ever really pronounce that end "D", but typically it soundz more like "en" not "an'", like U'd think we're goin' around saying the name "Ann". NEway, this is all according 2 my English teacher. So, like, it's weird 2 think "an'", eh? But I'm really getting away from my topic. Bcuz my topic is kinda (well, not kinda) stupid. But, it's my topic, so here goez. As I was carrying the snacks, with the dogs lopin' along cuz, y'know, snacks, I started talking 2 myself. That didn't take long, eh? I was all, "Alone, alone--I love being alone! I can watch TV, go online, talk on the phone...I'm FREEE!" Then l8r: "Hah! 12 o'clock--I'm never allowed 2 stay up this l8 on a school nite!" Right after that, I thot, "Stupidity rocks!" This was as a movie called Horror in the House came up on the tube, "for mature audiences only."
So, Dunc, how was that club? Vatikan? Did U get back in2 the Malkmuses house OK? Becks, how's the Valhalla coming along? Ger, R U hung over again? Jeremy, still talkin' 2 yr imaginary friend? Howard, have NE more of yr shoez been harmed?
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 6:31 AM
25 Comments:
At 8:11 AM,
Anonymous said…
aprl flwer i wold typmor but ithrts to lok at teh compter scree to brught.
ger
At 8:20 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear April,
I'm just writing to say that I think I have been revealing too much about my personal life with Paul lately. I have decided that maybe I should start keeping you in the dark about what's going on with me and my life, at least for awhile. I'm not sure how long it will be before I feel like having another "talkative" week.
But, since I have the most interesting and amazing Patterson life, you should feel grateful to get whatever information I see fit to fork over. Funny how we'd all rather talk about the boring stuff that happens to you and our parents back in Milborough, huh?
Liz
At 9:00 AM,
April Patterson said…
liz, yeah, i dunno y we get on these boring tangents. well, whenev u start feeling talkative again, it'll b a nice break, eh?
ger, if u keep up w/the drinking & shark meat, i think yr 'rents will catch on b4 2 long.
oh, & poor freyfaxi.
howard, what's the matter?
apes
At 9:01 AM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy is the only one who remembers me. He's the only one who can see or hear me. Everyone else thinks he has an imaginary friend. People will probably think Jeremy wrote this comment. Help!
Eva
At 12:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuz officially fired az rebeccah’z sound man yestahday. gigli & hiz new best friend, thorvald told me ovah the fone my services were no longer needed & that they were gonna start tryin’ out pros who weren’t n high skool. they sounded rilly drunk. sorry 2 say that 'bout ur bf april. i have let peeps n the musick biz know i am free 2 do sound 4 them if they want.
it’s just az well. rebeccah haz not talked 2 me since the thing where she got bonked by the frying pan she was tryin’ 2 uze on me 2 help me get rid of my imaginary friend eva. eva is not so imaginary she can’t deflect a fryin’ pan off my head, which accidentally hit rebeccah’z head. she told rebeccah she wuz sorry ‘bout 50 tymez, but it duzn’t mattah how many tymez u say it, if the person can’t hear it. i am pretty sure rebeccah duz not think of me az a pre-bf nemore.
i dunno y no1 can c eva but me, ncludin’ u april; but she duz exist & she iz rilly scared. she types messagez on the computer 2 every1 she knowz & hopes they will remembah her. she usedta post 2 an on-line community called the corbeilverse, but she sez it iz completely gone & she figgers every1 who usedta post there haz had the same thing happen 2 them az wut happened 2 her.
in skool, i nevah rilly had classes w/eva, but now she duzn’t wanna leave my side, cuz she iz afraid of disappearin’ all the way. so, she haz 2 sit thru the same boring stuff i do. she haz learned the hard way not 2 talk 2 me n class, cuz wen the teach asks who i am talkin’ 2, i say, “eva” & the teach sez, “don’t way ‘wutevah’ 2 me. keep quiet jeremy jones.” she likes 2 help me w/me homework, so she can keep up, just n case peeps start c-ing her again & she can go back 2 wut she wuz doin’ b4. i am mbarrassed 2 say she haz helped me on sum tests, cuz she can tell me the answerz w/o ne1 noticin’. i think i am gonna have rilly gud gradez this semester.
my mom thinks i am goin’ nuts, like you prolly do, april. she sez thingz like, “yru sleepin’ on the floor, jeremy, wen ur bed iz empty?” i say, “cuz eva’z n the bed.” or she sez, ‘wut r all theze girlz clothez doin’ n ur closet?” i say, “they’re eva’z clothez, i had 2 buy 4 her wen her house disappeared & her clothez w/them.” that kinda got my mom concerned, but she looked @the sizes & figgered out i cudn’t fit n2 eva’z clothez. or she sez, “yru eatin’ so much, jeremy? ur gonna get fat.” i say, “it’s cuz eva iz eatin’ off my pl8.” or she sez, “yru u takin’ such long showerz?” i say, “it’s cuz eva iz takin’ a showah aftah me.” or she sez, “who 8 all the nippy-nutz, cheez-o-puffs, choko mallow bars, & cereal?” i say, “i think eva 8 them 4 a l8 nite snack.” my mom sez, “no l8 nite snackin’. do u wanna get fat?” there iz 1 thing eva duz like. now no1 can c her, she duzn’t hafta wear make-up nemore. also she told me she haz njoyed watchin’ l8 nite moviez. the othah nite she stayed up & watched just like heaven. she sed she cud rilly rel8 2 the reese witherspoon character. az long az she keeps the tv quiet, mom duzn’t notice.
i know u prolly think i am goin’ crayzee, but thanx 4 readin’ neway. i just thot i wud let u know wut’z goin’ on w/me. the last tyme i saw howard, he sed i wuz nuts, but if i wuz serious then i shud talk 2 fiona brass. he sed she had a lotta xxperience w/nobody noticing she wuz around wen she wuz actually still around. eva & i r gonna c her az soon az we can. wish us luck.
At 12:54 PM,
howard said…
April,
Why am I upset? Let me tell you why I am upset. There are lots of reasons.
First, it is seriously against the law to give alcoholic beverages to a minor, but Becky’s father has been doing that with Gerald over and over again. When I am around, I try to stop it from happening, but the moment I turn my back, Thorvald and Gerald are into the Brennevin. Thorvald says that by ancient Nordic law, a guy is a man when he turns 13 and has subdued his first beastly opponent. I don’t know if Thorvald means the time Gerald got on the elephant at the zoo, or the electrified rodent Gerald subdued at Thorvald’s wedding. Nevertheless, he has taken Gerald to his bosom and is trying to teach him the manly arts, which mainly seems to be consuming nasty Icelandic food and drink. The man is completely irresponsible. We don’t live in Iceland or under Nordic law, and if Gerald’s parents figure out what is going on, Thorvald may find himself back in jail. The other part is Thorvald has been teaching Gerald how to woo women, usually using Becky as the target, but I am sure you are already keenly aware of that.
The other reason I am upset is Freyfaxi. The dog is over here now and I swear he has not been bathed or walked since Thorvald’s wedding. Thorvald seemed to have completely forgotten him and Thora has been less than kind to him. Of course she is violently pregnant, so I can understand to a certain degree her behaviour. Freyfaxi is much better at our house, where he is properly groomed, walked, fed and watered.
The third reason I am upset is the décor of the Valhalla. Yesterday I was debating Becky about the merits of a blue velvet with scotchgard (bench backs) and naugahyde (bench seats) combo versus stain-retardant red microfiber, when Thorvald overheard us and said, “We will never have naugahyde in the Valhalla.” I said, “Why not?” Thorvald said, “Those little naugas are killed when they are young for their pelts. It is an act of cruelty not worthy of the Valhalla.” I tried to tell him naugahyde was a vinyl coated fabric and not the hide of an actual animal, but Thorvald would not hear it.
The fourth reason I am upset, is that they want me to recruit the New Bentwood Rockers to play the Valhalla during the middle of the week, when Becky is in school. I sang one concert with those guys and they consider me to have the in with them. So, I am going to have to visit with your grandpa Jim sometime soon. That should be loads of fun.
As you can see, there are lots of reasons for me to be upset,
Howard K.
At 1:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, i will hafta think that if u cud c or remembah eva, u wud b the 1st person who wud take pity on her & take her n2 ur home. i still wanna b ur pre-bf, but i am not gonna throw eva out. just 2 let u know, she izn’t my mistress. n order 4 that 2 happ, i wud (a) hafta b married & (b) hafta b havin’ sex w/eva. oh, & we don’t shower @the same tyme either.
a sound guy frum “great white” wud b gud. he wud prolly like workin’ w/the old-fashioned sound stuff ur uncle ralph wunts 2 put n the valhalla. gud luck w/that.
At 2:36 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
How could I have forgotten about that? Thanks for reminding me. Yes, Becky and I went to see The Shaggy Dog. It is the new movie with Tim Allen as a man who turns into a sheep dog. I thought it would be interested to see, since, as you know, I was a dog for 3 weeks, and it profoundly affected my life.
There were some parts of the movie they got right. Tim Allen has a heightened sense of hearing and smell, when he first turned into the dog. He also had an uncontrollable urge to fetch, which I can tell you is part of the dog equation. He did chase his tail a few times, which is frankly irresistible.
Now the part they did not have right was the mating instinct. Tim Allen gets excited by the smell of his wife’s perfume. Let me tell you that when you are a dog, the pheromones a female dog puts out makes any kind of perfume seem like a feces smell in comparison. Even if you are gay, it drives you mad for the woman, it smells so good. There is nothing in human odours to compare, I am sorry to say. But Tim Allen got aroused by the smell of lilacs on his wife, which is just wrong.
The other inaccuracy was the dog meditation techniques. I expect that this is just because they do not know how dogs actually do that. Let me inform you that sitting on your hindquarters and holding your paws together in a praying position is not it. For a dog, that just plain hurts.
Then there was a long scene where Tim Allen gets so out-of-control chasing a cat, that he knocks things off tables, leaves his wife in the middle of a parent teacher conference, and knocks an old lady into a tree. Any dog knows that cats are evil, but they also know no cat is worth the hurting you will get if you knock over an old lady. That was a minor thing, but then Tim Allen actually had a conversation with the cat. That was completely wrong. Dogs and cats do not have conversations. It made it look like they could actually get along. That is wrong, wrong, wrong. That’s what made me mad. When I saw that sassy cat on the screen, I wanted to bite it myself. Fortunately, Becky was there to tell me to get control of myself.
Howard K.
At 2:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, i know it soundz bad 4 me 2 have eva sleepin’ n my bed & around me all the tyme, but i am rilly glad u b-lieve eva iz real. most peeps just think i am goin’ nuts & talkin’ 2 empty air, includin’ my mom. i knew i cud count on u. ur the best, a true friend. eva had this gr8 idea, so peeps wudn’t think i wuz crayzee wen i was talkin’ 2 her. she sed i shud put my cell up 2 my ear, so peeps will think i am talkin’ on my cell, wen i am rilly talkin’ 2 her standin’ b-side me. thass a pretty gud idea, i think.
gud 4u4 gettin’ the good optical cablin’ n the valhalla, altho sayin’ u wudn’t marry gigli izn’t much of a threat. i guess it is 4 ur dad. if ur dad knew gigli bettah, he wud know he iz devoted to april. b-sidez ur not the type 2 try 2 do nething w/gigli, since april is ur bff.
At 3:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I am sorry to not have written lately. I was involved in a police operation called “Operation Relative Visit” which kept me very busy.
I read your writings today about your late evening snacks. I suppose I should have guessed you would write about that since you have already written about breakfast, lunch and supper. I am trying to be open and honest, because your sister tells me she finds it to be a profoundly attractive quality. Maybe you would like to write about something else other than food. My Ojibway teacher told me to write about what I knew best. Maybe that is food for you. That would make sense to me.
I only met your mother once, but you are definitely your mother’s daughter. When she wasn’t talking about and showing pictures of the love of my life (your sister), your mother’s main topic of conversation was food. Your mother had a good healthy appetite. She was not at all prissy when she ate. She asked for seconds, thirds and fourths when she had breakfast with my partner and me at Otter County. It could be writing about food is a family tradition. I will have to ask your sister.
Your sister tells me that Shiimsa is in a much better mood lately. She thinks that Shiimsa’s good behaviour is due to a boy cat she likes in Milbourough. Your sister said Shiimsa was in Milborough last summer, so she may have met the boy cat then. Your sister says she packs up her belongings and moves back to Milborough for the summer because the Cranes rent her apartment out during the tourist months. When this happens, she thinks Shiimsa wants you and your sister to let her meet this boy cat again. So that is why Shiimsa is acting better. Your sister is wonderful. I have never known anyone to care so deeply for their pet as she does. She is a very caring woman and that’s another reason why I have fallen in love with her.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, eva'z not imaginary. u just can c her or hear her or touch her. & she’z not my gf. b4 eva got ‘erased’ she didn’t evn like me much. the only reazn she iz hangin’ around me now iz i am the only 1 who can c or hear or touch her. well, she can touch frying panz tho, so there r sum thingz she can touch. but back b4 u 4got she existed, u & april usedta do thingz w/her. like she wuz @ur dad’z wedding, 4 example. u can look thru the pictures of that & u can prolly c eva. peeps cud c her then.
At 4:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, paul, do NOT say i am like my mother, esp abt FOOD. i mite hafta go 2 the "loo" & induce vomiting now just thinking abt that comparison.
jeremy, weird thing. dunc & i looked @ the wedding pix this wkend. we were ablt 2 identify every1 in the pix, & there wasn't ne "eva". but like dunc sed, there were pix w/a blank spot, like there was supposta b sum1 there & wasn't. i will send u thoze pix in an e-mail attachment so u know what i mean.
apes
At 4:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear friend Becky,
Maybe you and I could have a faux affair? My image is in need of help as well. If I were seen cheating on my ordinary girlfriend with a beautiful music star like you, it would probably make Pierce Inverarity and Drew Fontaine think I was quite the dashing rogue.
What do you think? It would make our fathers very happy, and I'm sure my little April flower won't mind.
Your friend, Gerald
At 5:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, u r sure i wdn't mind? r u drunk again? no, no, no, no, & no! look what happed w/chenille foisgras & vince winkle, when vince decided 2 have a "faux affair" w/marilee snypes. now vince & marilee r all sk8ing 2 b'way-tune medleys while poor chenille's all solo w/her acrobatic sk8ing. & vince was all "chenille won't mind". & now marilee's knocked up.
4get it, bub!
apes
At 5:44 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man, I just finished work Im @ an Internet cafe in Shelbyville w8ing 4 the GO. Only good thing abt the job 2day was that the manager Mr Kannberg was off but he'll b back 2morrow.
So I got in fr the Vatikan @ 1:00 am Mr Malkmus left the door open an' he left me a key an' a note on my bed. He prolly wanted 2 punch me out 4 going out the window but 4 1X there was nothing he cld do 2 me.
Turns out theres no transit btween Mboro an' Shelbyville so 2 get 2 work by 8:30 am I hafta get up @ 5:00 am 2 take a GO bus in2 TO an' then I hafta take a GO train fr TO 2 Shelbyville. An' I hafta stay in the house when Im not working so no1 cs me. Mr Malkmus left me 4 l of milk an' 7 boxes of KD 4 my dinners. Sux 2 b me this week.
NEway, I had a rilly cube time w/ Zandra last nite. W8 till u c my new kilt I dunno if the lether parts r v. authentic but I think it makes me look studly.
Got 2 go catch the train. L8r.
At 6:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, man, that sux abt having 2 get up so early & go 2 shelbyville by way of to! i'm glad u had fun @ the club last nite.
apes
At 6:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, thanx 4 the e-mail attachment w/the wedding pix. this iz gonna sound strange, but i don’t c ne1 missin’ in the pix. ic eva & duncan haz his arm around her n mosta the pix. i am guessin’ it luks like duncan haz his arm out like it’s around sum1 who izn’t there, wen u luk @them. am i rite? i also like the way gigli has hiz hand b-hind my head n every single shot with hiz 2 fingahz up. classy, but it iz just like sumthing gigli wud do. i showed the pix 2 eva & the 1st thing she sed, “just cuz duncan had hiz arm ‘round me didn’t mean i wuz committed 2 him. weddings are interesting this year, aren’t they?” then she went 2 get the choko mallow barz.
i guess rebeccah & i r THRU, az she sez. it’s not wut i wanted 2 happen, but i don’t blame her. i like rebeccah & she shudn't hafta go thru this weird stuff w/me. it’s freaky 2 me 2c sum1 no1 else can c. i kinda wondah if i am goin’ loony like she sez. wen i say that out loud, eva punches my arm 2 remind me she iz real. neway, i hope u don’t think i am 2 loony.
u shud definitely keep a close eye on gigli rite now. last tyme rebeccah & i broke up, that wuz wen they had their makeout session. i nevah cud figger out y u let him get away w/it. chenille foisgras & vince winkle r a gud xxample 4 how not 2 do a relationship. good choice.
At 6:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, u r no crazier than ger, 4 thinkin' i'd b ok w/him having a "faux affair" w/becks.
u r rite abt what the pix look like 2 me & 2 dunc, like he'z got his arm stickin' out around no1, or, like, handing a plate of appetizers 2 empty space. like that.
apes
At 7:26 PM,
howard said…
April,
It has been quite an evening. After her last post to you, Becky and I went by your grandpa Jim’s place at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace to recruit the New Bentwood Rockers to play for the Valhalla when it opens. When we got to the apartment, I knocked and your grandpa Jim answered the door. He did not seem happy to see me. He said, “Coward. You have a lot of nerve coming here, after what you did to Iris.” I said, “What are you talking about?” Jim said, “Those shampoos you gave her stirred her up. Now she spends most every day in our well-appointed bathroom, with the large bathtub and grab bars. She spends quite a bit of time soaking in the bath, and she's found herself a special shelf that holds a collection of large print bodice rippers and a mug of something hot.” I heard a moaning sound from their bathroom. Becky said, “Howie, that sounds kind of like she’s…you know?” I said, “Yes, it does.” Your grandpa Jim said, “That’s right Coward. She’s using that Herbal Essence shampoo you sold her. I even saw the advertisements on TV. It makes women moan like that in the bathroom.” I said, “Oh. Herbal Essence. Yes. Jim. Sorry about that. I have to sell shampoo in my job. Iris comes into the salon about once a week, and I couldn’t resist the shampoo sale.” Becky said, “Oh my god, did you give Iris a shamp-Oh? That’s gross.” I said, “I think I have given almost every woman in Milborough a shamp-Oh, except you Becky.” Becky said, “Stupidity sucks. My mom will never allow me to get a shamp-Oh. Even April got one.” Your grandpa Jim said, “You just can’t stop talking shampoo can you, Coward? Are you here to sell Iris some more shampoo?” I said, “Actually, I am here to extend an offer to the Bentwood Rockers for a regular 4-nights-a-week gig at the new supper club, Becky’s dad is building called the Valhalla.” Becky said, “Yeah. Dad wants a band who will appeal to the old folks to play on school nights, when I can’t do it.”
Your grandpa Jim said, “Well, the band's membership held up well. We didn’t have too many die over the winter. We're back to jamming once a week, arthritis and previous engagements permitting. Frank is feeling better. He’s recovered from his heart surgery. Mavis got over the flu. I'm able to pluck the strings a little more easily thanks to Iris' paraffin-wax hand spa. Look at how limber these fingers are now.” He wiggled his fingers. I said, “Those look very limber.” Becky said, “Yeah. As limber as lumber.” Your grandpa Jim said, “But there are extra benefits. It has taken off the hair from the back of my hands. I have hands like a baby now. Come and feel them, Coward.” I felt them and said, “Very smooth. Just like a baby’s bottom. You should feel these Becky.” Becky said, “I think I’ll pass on holding hands with an old geezer, thanks.”
Then we heard Iris’ voice from the bathroom. She said, “Jim. Is there someone there?” Your grandpa Jim said, “It’s just Coward and that girl who broke up April’s band.” Iris said, “Oh, Coward has finally come to visit. Ask them if they want to watch TV and have a dessert. I’ll be out in a second.” Your grandpa Jim said, “Do you want dessert?” Becky said, “What do you have?” Your grandpa Jim said, “I don’t know for sure. All I know is it is homemade and I won’t get to have any, unless you stay. Please, stay. Please. I am so sick of dog biscuits.” I said, “We’ll stay, just for you.” Becky shot me an evil look. I whispered to her, “If he gets dessert, he will be in such a good mood, he will be sure to agree to play the Valhalla.” Becky reluctantly agreed to stay.
Iris came out of the bathroom and started serving dessert with tea. She seemed to be in a very happy mood. She served us some great desserts. Becky ate hers almost immediately and drank down a big glass of the tea. She said, “The dessert is great and tea is really good.” Iris said, “Thank you. They are both my own recipes. I have a secret ingredient in the tea.” I drank the tea and immediately recognized what the secret ingredient was. I said, “Iris. Becky is a minor. You shouldn’t give her any more of this tea. Your secret ingredient is obviously brandy.” Iris said, “Oh Coward. You have such a discriminating palate. I try my best to disguise the brandy taste and you figured it out so quickly. You should be a nicer guest and lie.” Grandpa Jim said, “My Marian used the same recipe during the war. The company commander never knew why it was the boys from Canada liked tea better than the Brits.” Iris sighed, “Marian again. Will I never hear the end of that woman?” I said, “Becky you shouldn’t drink that.” But it was too late. Becky had already downed another large glass of brandy-laden tea. She said, “Howie. You don’t know what you’re talking about. This tea is great and doesn’t taste anything like brandy.” Iris said, “Thank you dear. That’s just what I like to hear.”
Well, things got a little messy after that, but I think Becky wants to tell you the rest of the story.
Howard K.
At 8:16 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, eva & i went 2c fiona brass, cuz howeird suggested it. we finally found her house & it wuz tuff, evn w/directions frum howeird on how 2 get there. it wuz like sum1 didn’t want us 2 find it.
we knocked on the door & this cat came up 2 the door & hissed @us. eva sed, “i dunno if i wanna commit 2 goin’ n here.” i sed, “do u wanna stay invisible 4evah?” eva sed, “no.” well, after anothah knock this large, ugly lady answerz & sez, “wudya wunt, old man?” i sed, “my name iz jeremy jonez & this iz my friend eva.” fiona looked @where i wuz pointin’ 2 eva & she looked & looked. i sed, “howard kelpfroth sed u mite b able 2 help my friend eva. az u can c or not c, az it may b…” fiona sed, “ur friend haz been erased.” i sed, “thass rite. can uc her?” fiona sed, “no, but i can recognize a bad erasing, wen ic1. sumbody erased ur friend & didn’t do a good job.” i sed, “is that bad?” fiona sed, “if they had done a good job, u wudn’t evn know u hadda friend.”
she nvited us n & the cat wuz spittin’ & howlin’ @us. eva sed, “that cat iz freakin’ me out.” fiona sed, “belmont iii knowz all about erasin’. that’s how belmont i & ii disappeared.” i sed, “the cat can tell eva iz here?” fiona sed, “oh yes. & the cat iz scared, cuz this happened recently didn’t it?” i sed, “i think so.” fiona sed, “they tried 2 erase me once & it didn’t work. so u say ur a friend of howard kelpfroth?” i sed, “yes.” she sed, “iz kelpfroth hiz real last name?” i sed, “well he haz been callin’ himself howard k. l8ly.” fiona sed, “gud. u do know him. i miss howard. he wuz a good lay. didn’t like cats tho. if ur gonna lie w/fiona, u gotta lie w/the felinez.” eva sed, “she iz grossin’ me out. howard had sex w/her?” i sed, “howeird haz had sex w/practically every single man & woman n mboro.”
fiona sed, “yes. he duz get around. so, wut do u want frum me?” i sed, “do u know a way 4 eva 2 turn real again?” fiona sed, “oh, u want that secret frum fiona do u? wut ru willin’ 2 pay?” i sed, “i got $20.” fiona sed, “i usually take my pay n sexual favourz.” eva sed, “jeremy. let’s get outa here. this women iz a creep.” i got up 2 leave. fiona sed, “where ru goin’?” i sed, “ur creepin’ eva out. she wunts 2 leave.” fiona sed, “oh all rite. give me the $20. u would think a middle-aged man like urself wud wunt sum good fiona lovin’. m-boro usedta b a fun town, but now it iz so conservative. can’t do nething these dayz w/o sum1 making a pun or givin’ a life lesson.” i gave her the $20.
fiona sed, “all rite. how did this happen?” eva sed, “i wuz postin’ on the corbeilverse on-line community & these messages sed we were getting’ 2 close 2 truth b-hind the johnston institute 4 bettah livin’. then there wuz a message we were gonna get erased. my family disappeared & my house & i thot i wuz 2.” i told this story 2 fiona. fiona sed, “sloppy erasing. the johnston institute iz not wut it usedta b. n my day, wen they erased sum1 it wuz a quality job. now they have sum hacks doing it. they mite remove a mouth frum a man, or eyez frum a girl or a face frum a cat, but they bungle the job. incompetent bunglerz.”
i sed, “wut can eva do?” fiona sed, “all i can tell u iz wut i did. i wuz set n my wayz. my cat belmont disappeared & i wud’ve 2 if i didn’t have relativez n high places. i hadda redefine myself.” eva sed, “wut duz she mean?” i sed, “eva sez, ‘wut do u mean?’” fiona sed, “duz eva find herself sayin’ or doin’ the same kinda thingz ovah & ovah again?” eva sed, “yeah. like i am alwayz sayin’, ‘i like ur hair clip.’ or ‘ur shoez r cool.’ or ‘math iz interesting this year, isn’t it.’ or ‘i can’t commit 2 sumthin’.” i sed, “eva sez yes.” fiona sed, “2 redefine urself, u hafta force urself 2 say & do different thingz.” eva sed, “thass it?” i sed, “eva sed, ‘thass it?’” fiona sed, “thass wut worked 4 me. i got a new cat, belmont ii. it disappeared. ran away, sum say, but i know bettah. then i got belmont iii. that cat stuck. nstead of smokin’ & b-ing lazy, i started workin’ hard. i turned n2 a whole new character, that wuz kinda like who i wuz but w/loadz of xxtraz. u know, much better developed.” eva sed, “i gotta do new thingz. i get it.” fiona sed, “tell ur friend, it will b hard. every part of u will wanna do wut u usedta do.” eva sed, “i know. i wanna compliment fiona on her hair clip rilly bad.” i sed, “iz there nething else?” fiona sed, “yes. lots of sex.” i sed, “eva iz only 14 years old.” fiona sed, “u like the young 1z do u, jeremy jones?” i sed, “i am 14-years-old 2.” fiona sed, “oh. u must b str8.” i sed, “yes i am.” fiona sed, “well it wuz gud knowin’ u.” we left, with the cat hissing the whole way out.
aftah we got back 2 my house, eva sed, “jeremy i hafta do new thingz. i can’t compliment peeps on their shoez or hair clipz nemore. i can’t talk ‘bout how ne classes n skool r interestin’ nemore. i hafta commit 2 sum1, evn tho i am only 14.” i sed, “ok. that soundz kinda hard 2 do, since peeps can’t hear u.” eva sed, ‘u can hear me.” i sed, “i don’t wear hair clipz, so wut do u want me 2 do?”
eva sed she wunted 2 tell the rest of this story, so she iz gonna post the rest.
At 9:06 PM,
Anonymous said…
I got very quiet for a while, because I was, well, am, freaked out. And since I don't like commitment, I was afraid to say what I was thinking. Jeremy kept saying, "What? Eva, just tell me", and people were giving him strange looks since they thought he was talking to himself. Finally, he got out his phone and held it to my ear while he talked to me, so everyone would think he was just one of those people who's always on the phone. Sort of like how I was when I was trying to be a wanna-be A-girl.
So, finally, just before we went into Jeremy's house, I said, "Jeremy, I want to commit to you. Will you be my boyfriend? Since Becky dumped you for being crazy and maybe cheating in your imagination?" Jeremy said he didn't think dating someone right after being dumped was such a good idea, you know, from personal experience.
Just then, his mother said, "Jeremy Jones, are you talking to yourself again?" Jeremy tried to explain he was talking to me, but she cut him off and asked, "What's this about being dumped?" So he told her about the misunderstanding with Becky, and Mrs. Jones started yelling at him for cheating on his pre-gf with an imaginary girl. "You're just like your father, only worse!" He says he hates when his mother says things like that.
Well, I'm trying to get Jeremy to change his mind, but he's saying some things about clown explosions and how I don't even like him. I need to lie down!
Eva
At 9:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno if u cud read eva’z last post, but this iz wut happened next. she asked me 2b her bf. it wuz not wut i wuz xxpectin’. i thot she wud b askin’ me 2 wear hair clips & girlz shoez & stuff, so she cud, like u know, not compliment me on them. wen i think about it, that duzn’t make ne sense, cuz it wud b2 ez 2 not 2 compliment me wearin’ girlz stuff, cuz i wud prolly b freaked out the whole tyme. u know howeird can do that stuff, but not me. i am az str8 az can b, & i have the lookz 2 prove it. no, i figgered eva picked the 1 thing that wud b the hardest thing 4 her 2 do, cuz she duzn’t rilly like me. u know cuz she wuz bff w/that othah girl i don’t talk about who didn’t like me. so, i guess she figgered it wud b a real challenge 2 commit 2 me. no1 else haz been able 2 do it 4 ne long tyme. so, i can kinda unnerstand it. she wunts peeps 2b able 2c her again. she must b rilly desperate 2 ask me 2b her bf.
uc the othah problem iz that i dunno if rebeccah breakin’ up w/me wuz real. the last tyme it happened, i thot it wuz real. it’s hard 2 ignore xxplodin’ clownz aftah all. but then wen the othah girl whom i don’t talk about broke up w/me, rebeccah wuz back w/me rilly fast. it wuz like she rilly didn’t mean it the 1st tyme, so i wuzn’t sure if she rilly meant it this tyme, or if she wuz tryin’ 2 tell me 2 stop actin’ loonie, u know.
but if i say yes 2 eva, so she can b real again, then rebeccah will b rilly ticked off @me, if it wuzn’t real. & i rilly like rebeccah & if she hazn’t rilly broke up w/me, i cud lose her 4evah. but if i say no 2 eva, then she may rilly stay invisible 4evah. i’ll keep talkin’ 2 her & my mom iz rilly gonna have me locked up. i mean rilly, wut can i do? april, wut do u think? i am rilly confuzed.
At 9:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, jeremy, i dunno. i saw a post signed "eva", & becks im'ed me & sed she saw it 2 & was like, "so now jeremy's doing these posts as eva, 2. he really has lost it, eh?" & i didn't really know what 2 say. it's such a weird story. i still feel like i shd know sum1 named eva, but i don't. otoh, so many weird thingz have happed. so confusing! & if there really is a girl named eva & u bring her back by being her bf, will becks then b glad that u're not crazy, or mad that u r w/this other girl? after she dumped u 4 being crazy. if she dumped u. ow, my head hurts.
liz, what do u think?
apes
At 10:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuz hopin’ u wud b-lieve me & not ask ur whacked sis 4 advice. ur sis’ love life iz evn more freaky than mine, wut w/that possessed cat of herz tellin’ her everythin’ 2 do. i rilly don’t need advice frum a cat. but thanx r tryin’.
well, i can only c 1 answer. eva can’t stay livin’ w/me 4evah. she needz her mom & her dad & her life back. i am gonna hafta take the chance rebeccah will 4give me 4 doin’ this. i told eva i wud b her bf. wen i sed this 2 her she kinda shimmered a little. of course her face wuz kinda like xxcited & disgusted @the same tyme. she sed, “i’m not gonna kiss u, u know.” i sed, “u shimmered.” eva sed, “i did?”
i thot she mighta been fixed, so i took her n2 2c if mom cud c her. mom wuz still mad @me frum rebeccah breakin’ up w/me. i sed, “can uc eva now?” mom sed, “eva? wuzn’t she that girl that came ovah & watched hockey w/u once?” i sed, “yeah. thass eva." mom sed, "i wondah wutevah happened 2 her." i sed, "she'z here. can uc her?” mom sed, “where?” i sed, “n this room.” mom wuz lookin’ rite @her & sed, “is she hidin’?” i sed, “no.” mom sed, “stop actin’ crayzee.” i sed 2 eva, “thass a gud sign. mom remembahz u a little.” eva sed, “but she still can’t c me.” i sed, “mebbe it takes awhile 2 unerase urself. u know like commitment iz rilly commitment if it lasts 4 awhile.” eva sed, “ok. i’m tryin’ not 2b upset or 2 grossed out by committing 2b ur gf. thingz r a little bettah.” i sed, “rite. it’s a start.” so, we’ll c wut happenz. i hope rebeccah can 4give me aftah eva turnz back real.
At 9:07 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Im a few min erly 4 work so Im @ the Shelbyville Internet cafe. I 4got 2 drain the macaroni b4 adding the cheez an' milk an' buttah so I had KD soup 4 dinner last nite. I didnt rilly care 'cos I was so tired I dont no how Im going 2 last 5 more days w/o dbl dbls.
L8r.
p.s. I still dont remembah ne1 named Eva.
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