April's Real Blog

Friday, March 03, 2006

Jesse made a funny & a fraction.

OK, so I got a chance 2 finish reading the Liz e-mail I was telling U abt yesterday morning. It turnz out the rest of it was abt how Shiimsa's favourite cat-food flavours R Nine Lives Liver & Bacon and Nine Lives Turkey & Giblets. In case we were thinking of sending gifts.

I got a new e-mail fr. Liz last nite, w/sum more stuff abt Susan. This 1 was just 2 me, not 2 Mom & Dad. She wrote,
You know April, I feel mean writing this, but Susan gets this look on her face that I can only call "annoyingly serene", like she's thoroughly grounded to the earth and nature, and so on, and you just wanna smack the look off her face. That's the look she had when I was telling the class, "OK, everyone! Miss Dokis has been observing our class and she's brought us some great new ideas. She's shown us how to work with fractions, using common things we find in our homes." Smug, April. I've gotta say that "serene" look is downright smug. I think I preferred when she looked all gobsmacked from being "in over her head" (har, har, har) the other day. But anyway, I went on: "She's shown us how to work with fractions, using common things we find in our homes. So, we use fractions when we....yes?" & students called out, "Make a cake!" "Fill a gas tank!" "Cut up a pizza!" I couldn't help but notice Jesse was looking out the window with a daydreamy look on his face, so I walked over to him and said, "Jesse--were you paying attention?" And he said, "I was...half of the time." Get it? "Half of the time." Jesse learned a fraction! Anyway, when I glanced back at Susan, I noticed that Jesse's remark had dislodged that smug "serene" look from her face, but I nearly choked, because in its place, she had a Paul face. I swear to gum, April she looked like Paul with a very, very tight (I'm talking Mom-tight) bun. I feel sick even thinking about it, let alone writing about it. I think I'll take the smug-serene thing. Well, better go. Shiims tells me its a liver-an'-bacon kinda night.

Love,

Liz
NEway, that's the l8est from Liz. Big ups 2 Becks 4 getting that incomplete removed fr. first-semester math. Becks, wanna celebr8 this weekend? Shopping & goss @ the mall 2morrow? Lemme know.

Erg, I've got a guitar lesson w/Mr. Bergan this afternoon, & he'z got me practicing this super-hard guitar piece. Ooh, but U know what? He sez he mite tell Mom that it's mandatory 4 me 2 have an electric guitar 4 sum of the piecez I'm learning. U mite remember, she got one 4 me when her 1st shamp-oh fr Howard transformed her in2 young, "nice" Elly. But then after she got changed back, she gave it 2 Dunc. Who, like, really only holdz it 4 me, & I play it whenev we jam @ his house. But it wd B way cool if I cd have it @ home & use it when I want. Oh, well, wish me luck!

Apes

21 Comments:

  • At 9:54 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man. Aft drama club yesterday Mr Mirabell told me an' Zandra 2 stay bhind. He wants Zandra 2 work w/ me xtra 2 "bring me up 2 speed." I didnt no what 2 do so I said 2 Zandra, Ill meet u @ Horny T @ 2 pm on Sat an' got outta there fast. So I guess Im going 2 hang w/ Zandra @ Horny T 2morrow. Kill me now.

    Apes, do u want 2 jam on Sun? Ill tune up yr electric guitar 4 u if u want.

    L8r.

    p.s. Jer, I asked Mr Mirabell if he needs a sound man an' how much hed pay 4 a sound man an' he just laffed. But then he said if u can work a fog machine an' lites an' sound he cld give u the job an' credit 4 yr community service hrs. Let me no.

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, dude. sorry 'bout havin' 2 spend tyme w/zandra @horny t.

    az 4 the show, i need money, but my mom wud b rilly happy if i got sum of my community service hrs done. tell mr. mirabell, i do have a lil xxperience w/fog machine & lites 2, frum workin' a show 4 my dad, wen he wuz n his "i wanna compete w/garth brooks" stage. that wuz a complete failure, but i learned stuff. it'll b tricky n that cafenauseum tho. u gotta properly vent a fog machine or it will choke peeps.

     
  • At 10:21 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, jammin' on sunday soundz cube!

    apes

     
  • At 10:39 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Jer, Ill tell Mr Mirabell @ the next drama club meeting on Mon that u want in. Im not 2 good @ science but cldnt u put a knee-hi stocking ovr the hose 2 vent the fog machine?

    L8r.

     
  • At 12:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    duncan, inneresting idea 'bout the knee-hi stocking. i will hafta consider it 4 a brief moment. ok. thanx 4 that. lemme know wut mr. mirabell sez on monday. thanx again.

     
  • At 1:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hello, April and her friends! For those of you who don't remember me, I'm friends with Deanna Patterson and I'm Josef "Weed" Weeder's girlfriend and business associate. I posted here when I helped Dee pay back Mike and Weed for the Halloween prank that scared the pee out of Merrie.

    Anyway, I'm writing because I don't know who else to tell about this. Dee and I have been taking a yoga class on Thursday nights for about a month now, Beginners' Ashtanga Yoga taught at the NotRosedale Centre for Yoga and Meditation.

    Some of you might know that Dee is, well, a bit of a germaphobe. So, Dee insists on wearing a surgical mask and rubber gloves to our class, but she doesn't stop there. You'd think that someone so concerned with germs would buy her own sticky mat, but Dee reasons, "I'm already splurging by taking this class at all, Carleen! I have to save my pennies for a ridiculously large down payment on a house!" So what does she do? She picks up a sticky mat, using the ends of her fingers, and wrinkling her nose. She lets the mat flap down and then she sprays it with disinfectant, wipes it off with a paper towel, and then repeats that process twice more. But is that the end of it? Of course not! The next thing she does is she passes around a hand sanitizer and nags the other students until they all use it to clean their hands. Then, she disinfects the hand sanitizer before putting it back into her tote bag!

    Anyway, once we got all of that out of the way, we had a pretty good session. I'm getting pretty flexible, I must say! Won't Weed be pleased? Oh, scratch that--you kids are too young to hear about such things. But back to Dee. She told me that Sabina Khan, from Merrie and Robin's daycare, has mentioned that Robin has developed a troubling new behaviour. He seems to believe that adults want to eat him, because he's so delicious. So whenever a teacher, teacher's assitant, or a parent gets near him, he gets a look of terror on his face and screams, "No ea' Wobbin! No ea'!"

    Dee was shaking her head and saying, "It's that idiot husband of mind again! He can't even watch those poor children on one night without instilling a new phobia in our son. How many years of therapy will it take to smooth that out? Then she told me that Mike doesn't even care for the children during Thursday yoga. He drops them off at Lovey's! What a jerk!

    Carleen

     
  • At 2:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Carleen,

    What are you saying? Of course I care for my children during my wife’s Thursday yoga with you. Why are you telling these stories to April? She’ll get all the wrong ideas. You are acting just like a "disgruntled" employee. Hey! There is a test for that. Aside from working for Weed on his photography, how much freelance work do you do?

    Don’t worry about Robin. He is just learning how to ‘tend. I think he has been picking up my acting skills he has learned from watching me play all the parts to the hilt, when I read the good kids books my sainted mother picked for him. When we play, he doesn’t really believe I'll eat him if I catch him. I shake my head against his tummy as he shrieks "no eat!" and he grabs my hair and I let him pull it. Now the other night, he did draw blood and I had to take the kids to Lovey’s while I was getting fixed up. That was a pretty fun evening, except for the blood part. You know Robin does smell like a little kid-pudding and powder and plastic toys. I think I need to get a snack, I am getting hungry for some reason.

    By the way, thanks for taking Deanna out for yoga. She's a pretty girl, even when she is wearing a surgical mask and rubber gloves and carrying disinfectant, but she is even prettier with her new yoga muscle tone.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mike, u r the one who wrote "He believes I'll really eat him if I catch him, and oh, he's delicious!"--rn't u?

    apes

     
  • At 4:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Little sister, you are quoting me! I am so proud of you. You hadn’t taken any of my advice since last December, when I taught you that great trick for English assignments of using an outline. I have done whole seminars on that trick, but you were the first to use it. And now you are quoting me. Cheese and rice, it's a good feeling.

    I remember when Elizabeth used to quote me. She would go to mom and say, “Mike said this or Mike said that.” I often wonder why I chose the life of a writer and that has to be one of the reasons, the inspiration of a beloved sister. Being a writer is not without its hazards; inspiration is seized from any source. It is so much better when it comes from a sister and not from noisy downstairs neighbours.

    Thanks to you, little sister. You have made my day.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 4:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings about your sister and the student teacher, Susan Dokis. When I first heard her name was Dokis, I immediately thought of the Dokis First Nation located near the Nipissing First Nation and where your sister went to university. I have often wondered why the culture of Mtigwaki was so much like the Anishinabek people from the northeast part of Ontario, when Mtigwaki is in the northwest. Now I understand it. Something about Mtigwaki must attract northeastern Ontario Ojibway.

    I was also excited to read your sister said the student teacher looked like me, with a very, very tight bun. It means your sister is thinking of me when I am not around. Or it could mean your sister would like me to wear my hair in a bun the next time I visit. I don’t know which one. As long as your sister is thinking of me, that is what matters. My hair has been getting in my eyes a lot lately.

    I am glad to read Shiimsa's favourite cat-food flavours are Nine Lives Liver & Bacon and Nine Lives Turkey & Giblets. That is good information. It will save me money on the fresh fish and cat toys I have been bringing when I visit your sister.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 5:10 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I had an interesting day at Sugar’s hair salon. Grietje Van Rensselaer decided that today, she would be in the salon to take notes on my shamp-Oh technique. Halfway through the day, Sugar got in the middle of the salon and said, “OK, Everyone! Miss Van Rensselaer has been observing our salon and she’s brought us some great new ideas. She has an idea on how to work with fractions so we can improve our work speed.” The stylists were grumbling, but then Grietje said, “The bottleneck in improving styling productivity is Howard. If he gets behind in doing his shamp-Ohs, then it slows everyone else up.” I said, “I don’t think I can do a shamp-Oh any faster.” Grietje said, “Not faster for one shamp-Oh. But you have two hands. If you did one shamp-Oh with one hand and another with the other hand, you could cut your shamp-Oh time in half. In a half hour, you could do 8 shamp-Ohs instead of 4.” Sugar said, “Aren’t fractions wonderful? My first cousin once removed is so smart.” I said, “That idea is half-baked. If I do two shamp-Ohs at once, what you will get is a half-assed shamp-Oh.” Grietje said, “You are speaking a half-truth Howard. Don’t go off half-cocked. If I may speak on your behalf, I know how talented you are with your hands.” I blushed, but Sugar looked like a cheerleader at halftime. I said, “I may be talented, but I am not a half-wit.” Sugar said, “I expect you to try it, Howard. Don’t make some sort of half-hearted attempt.” So, I tried giving the next 2 shamp-Ohs to two ladies at the same time. I was about halfway done, when one lady got excited and made a movement somewhat like a half gainer in the shamp-Oh chair. When I stopped to see if she was all right, the other lady put me into a half nelson and said, “Finish what you started. I may be a half-pint, but I am strong.” So I finished her off. Grietje came over and said, “Sorry, Howard, I thought it would work. I am feeling pretty stupid.” I said, “The problem is I can’t pay attention to a shamp-Oh half of the time.”

    That’s what happened, and that’s the whole truth.

    Howard K.

     
  • At 5:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hmph, mike, nice try--u think u can distract me & other peeps reading here fr. the fact that u contradicted yrself abt robin b-ing scared & believing u wd actually eat him. & u brot up the whole "outline" thing cuz u know that's another lie & u figged if u got me all mad abt that, i'd 4get abt yr lie where u have yr poor kid afraid adults wanna eat him. u had nothing 2 do w/me using outlinez & u know it! liz gave me a composition textbook. it had a buncha different pre-writing techniques. outlining was just one of them. otherz included freewriting, clustering, & looping. foax, u r my witnesses. if u ever c a monthly letter where mike gets credit 4 teaching me thoze techniques, u will know that's another mike lie!

    paul, liz tellz me shiimsa still luvs fish. it's just that when she eats catfood, that's the kind she likes.

    apes

     
  • At 5:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    It’s good to know my wonderful teacher sister Elizabeth has been helping you with school. After all, what’s the good of having a teacher for a sister, if you can’t take advantage of her? I think of Elizabeth a lot these days. It’s hard to believe my kid sis is giving my little sis good advice. It seems like just yesterday when we used to play ‘tend “land division” in our back yard or ‘tended to be old enough to drive. I remember those happy carefree days of rolling, jumping and arguing over who was in loser’s land or not. We could do that for hours. Sometimes Liz likes to 'tend we still play that game and she calls me a loser. Whenever she does, it takes me back. I had better be careful with all these happy thoughts. I am trying hard to be disgruntled and not gruntled. It would look bad to my freelance buddies.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I am very upset with you for the email from me that you "quoted" for today's blog entry. You know that I would never, ever say that I wanted to smack anyone, let alone a wonderful, noble Native woman like Susan!

    Okay, I admit that when she got a smug look on her face, it did kind of bother me a little. But I would never hit anyone! I would make them sit in the naughty corner for as many minutes as they are years old, and then I would get down to their level and tell them what they did wrong. Hitting is not acceptable behavior, especially in front of children.

    It's Shiimsa who wants me to smack Susan Dokis, or Susan Dorkis, as she calls her. Shiimsa keeps saying things like "ANGRA MAINYU WILL PUT THAT DORKIS WOMAN OUT OF BUSINESS--PERMANENTLY!" and "ANGRA MAINYU WAITS UNTIL NIGHTFALL, THEN CLIMBS THROUGH VENTS INTO GUEST ROOM AT GARY'S HOUSE. ANGRA MAINYU KILLS DORKIS LIKE A COMMANDO--SWIFT AND SILENT!"

    Isn't she adorable? Of course, she is just kidding. And, if I by chance wrote something about hitting Susan in my email--and I'm not admitting that I did--then I definitely meant it as a joke. Joking relieves tension. And I have been having a lot of tension since Susan arrived. Because having another teacher available to help teach your class, half of which is "not absent, but on Native studies" on any given day, is very stressful. Especially when this teacher is very qualified, and seems to bond instantly with your class, and who actually has more of the qualifications for the full-time teacher position than I do--

    Shiimsa says I am getting too stressed out. She says I have to go for some "petting therapy" now.

    Bye, Liz

    P.S.--STUPID MOUNTIE, WHEN COME BACK, BRING FRESH FISH!

    A SIMPLE ECONOMICS LESSON THAT HAS APPARENTLY ESCAPED YOU: IF I ASK MY LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND TO BUY ME FRESH FISH, SHE IS TOO POOR TO BUY QUALITY CATNIP OR NEW TOYS. IF I GET ONLY LIVER AND BACON FROM HER, I GET NEW TOYS, AND YOUR POCKET BOOK IS STILL AVAILABLE TO PURCHASE FOR ME THE FRESH FISH.

    IDIOT.

     
  • At 10:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Until I read Mike's monthly letter, I had forgotten all those hellish long "playtime" hours of my youth during which Mike made me play these incredibly long, boring games of "Land Division," or as he would call it, "Tend." I always thought "Tend" was a stupid name for it, but now I see it is meant to be short for "Pretend." Well. That actually explains a lot about Mike.

    Also, I am disturbed to hear that Mike is having cannibalistic fantasies. I have already picked out the outfit I will wear when I am called to court to testify as to his mental state. I am really looking forward to finally getting him back for all those years of torment. I can't wait to see them hauling Mike away and locking him up. I hope they deny him access to pen and paper.

    He deserves it for calling me "Lizardbreath." No brother could come up with anything meaner or more hurtful!

    Liz

     
  • At 12:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I tried petting Shiimsa to calm down, but I just couldn't. I can't stop thinking about what happened after school on Susan's teaching day.

    As we left, Susan said it was really hard to teach so many different grades in one class. I told her she did a great job, but I was feeling sort of weird about it. Kind of like a cross between jealousy and suspicion. Then Susan asked me, "Do you think so?" like she needed even more reassurance.

    So I said, "Sure! This job is not for everyone." And then I started to freak out again as I realize, She's perfect! Gary could easily use Susan to replace me!

    And I think Susan is in on the plan to get rid of me! Then she asked, "You've done this for a couple of years now, Elizabeth...Have you got any good advice?" Like she was planning on taking over my job tomorrow or something!

    So I just started saying things that I thought would make her not want the job. I said, "Let's see...you've got to be well-disciplined..." Which I said because I thought it would make her feel like she couldn't do it. You know, most people do not think of themselves as being very rigid and organized. And heck, I'm not very well-disciplined! Whenever I feel like it, I just scrap the lessons and show DVDS or play Bingo or whatever!

    But before I could say anything else to discourage her, Jesse threw a snowball and whacked Susan in the head! I think he must have caught on to Gary's secret plan and wants to scare Susan away from Mtigwaki. So, I caught him and said I would discipline him, and warned Susan that she would need to know how to discipline well, to make her think the Mtigwaki kids were horrible little hellions. I even put on a closed-eyed, serene, know-it-all Patterson face. But then, when Susan turned her back, I slipped Jesse a $5 bill.

    I seriously think Gary is planning to replace me! Just because I don't know Ojibway! Or maybe he's mad that I'm dating a Native boy! What should I do? Should I break up with Paul? Or take a crash course in Ojibway? Both? Neither?

    I asked Shiimsa her advice. She said, "YOU STUPID LITTLE HUMAN FRIEND, GARY WILL NEVER FIRE YOU! HE IS HOT FOR YOUR BODY! HE WANTS TO GET IN YOUR PANTS! NOW HE KNOWS YOU ARE HOT FOR THE RED MAN, HE'S GOING TO PUT THE MOVES ON YOU!"

    I am so confused!

    Liz

     
  • At 12:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Deanna is a pretty girl, even when she is angry and red in the face and telling me to 'stay' OFF the internet. Someday I want to provide her with everything she's ever wanted. That's what I can see in my imagination. It's as clear as day. But for right now, I see the freelance work I have to do. Deanna had a marvelous idea. She said we could vent the clothes dryer to the attic using a knee-high stocking over the hose to create a humidifier for me while I work. I made a good choice, when I chose her.

    Love,
    Michael Patterson

     
  • At 1:11 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Sorry you couldn’t find me. I am sitting in my car watching Dr. Ted McCauley. It was driving your mother crazy to not know where he was going every night, so she told me she wanted me to follow him from work to see where he is going. She was supposed to let you know what I was doing. Anyway, much to my surprise, Dr. McCauley is actually going back to his old house. However, he is not alone and they are definitely not cleaning out his mother’s old stuff. That’s where I am, in case you need me.

    As for the names for the very tasteful supper club, I actually like the name Becky-Thora. You could be like some of those Las Vegas or Branson acts with a place devoted to only your performance. However, other possibilities I can think of are: The Rainbow Bridge, Yggdrasil (Norse Tree of Life), or Hesperides’ Apple, which are involved with Nordic history and food together. If none of those work for you, I can try to think up some more.

    Howard K.

     
  • At 1:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!

    Hey teacher. I read your writings. Did you know you are the best teacher Mtigwaki has ever seen? My relatives have talked about it before. Before you came to Mtigwaki, students like Jesse Mukwa hardly ever attended school. Now he is there at least half the time and pays attention in class half the time. That is an overall ¼ improvement. You should be very proud of yourself. He does like you better than any other teacher. I know he sometimes teases you and you might have expected him to be throwing snowballs at his favourite teacher (that’s you) as a sign of affection, instead of Susan. Don’t worry. No one can replace my sweet girl.

    Tell Shiimsa I got her message about the fish.

    Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, a "very tasteful supper club" w/ur dad nvolved? thass wut that wuz ‘bout? i am ticked off @ur dad. wen i went by 2 pick u up 4 our d8, ur dad met me outside the door & sed, “sorry. my becky-thora iz n the middle of mportant bizness negotiationz & cannot b bothered 2c sum1 who iz so unworthy of her.” he told me 2 go home.

    a "very tasteful supper club, eh? i dunno if my mom iz gonna let me do the audio 4u @a supper club, cuz that soundz like an every nite kinda deal, and she wants me 2 keep my gradez up. how ru gonna handle the skool stuff?

     
  • At 2:33 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I got tired of writing down what Dr. McCauley was doing, so I decided to try to sneak home and get some rest. After all, I have to go to work at the salon in the morning. When I got back, Krystle was waiting for me. Her first response when she saw me was, “Where’s Ted?” When I told her he was at his mother’s old house, she accused me of lying to her and well, she did one of those hitting, crying things like you see in the movies all the time which leads into the man holding the woman as she sobs. Unfortunately for me, Krystle is more into the hitting and crying part. Once she finally calmed down, I explained what Ted was doing in his mother’s old house and with whom. Krystle started screaming again, “That cheating bastard.” And then there was more hitting and crying. I was right outside Becky’s bungalow at the time and I could tell they were aware of what was going on, but wisely decided to stay inside where it was not only warmer but safer. Then Krystle asked me to read my notes on what Dr. McCauley and the young lady were doing in detail, and there was yet more hitting and crying. After all this hitting and crying seemed to be over, Krystle said to me, “Howard. I think it is time for Mrs. Batsize to take a hand in cleaning her old house.” I said, “You’ve got to be kidding? That place is packed to the gills with old lady stuff.” Krystle said, “If you’re there, then Ted has to be here with me. That house needs to be cleaned out and sold anyway, so you are doing Ted a big favour, since he is obviously not doing it. Well he’s doing it, but not cleaning it up.” Then she giggled to herself a little.

    Of course I had to agree to do it. It is my job to clean and I am getting paid to do it.

    Howard K.

     

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