April's Real Blog

Friday, February 24, 2006

Dances With Cops

Paul, U asked whether Liz told me what happed after U asked her 2 turn around earlier this week. She didn't tell me rite away, but I just heard from her. . . .

So, peeps, Paul & Liz started 2, like, dance around, sorta ballroom dancing. Paul was, all, "Hey teacher--I've got a question. Did U know I was crazy abt U?" & Liz sed, "I had an idea." Paul was, like, "Did Uknow that I think abt U 24 hrs a day? Even when I'm sleeping, I dream abt U." Liz was all, "Really. I never knew a cop cd B so romantic." Paul sed, "Ahh...Let me give U a demonstration." & Liz was, like, pulling away & saying "Slow down, or U'll B charged w/speeding." Cuz, like, he'z a cop, remember? U did? OK, then. & Paul musta been reading up on Pattersonz & makin' punz, cuz he laid out this: "If U'd like 2 fine me.... ....That wd B just fine." He pulled her in close when he sed this, & Liz sed she popped her eyez open wide & raised her eyebrowz. She told me, "April, I'm not sure, but I have a feeling I might have had one of those 'D'Oh' looks Dad is alwayz getting!" Don't worry, Paul, Liz really doesn't tell me everything. ::wink::

So, Dunc'z gonna B in the drama club's production of MacBeth, with Zandra Larson playin' Lady MacBeth. Dunc's supposta B Murderer #3.

Becks tellz me she'z been practically a prisoner 2 her Mom l8ly, with all the working l8 @ the bakeshop. I hope she doesn't make Becks work the weekend, eh?

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 8:43 AM  

30 Comments:

  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Why is this constable not setting off alarm bells for you? He thinks about your sister 24 hours a day, even when he’s sleeping? Maybe he is just saying that to sound romantic, but to me, it seems more than a little obsessive. I knew guys in jail like that. There was one guy, Bubba, who obsessed about shrimp. It was all he could talk about, 24 hours a day and he even mumbled about it in his sleep. This constable is talking like this about your sister and he decided to move closer to her, so he could actually see her more often. He must be good-looking, because your sister thinks it’s romantic. But April, if Gerald came up to you and told you he thought about you 24 hours a day, even when he was sleeping, and he wanted to move closer to you, wouldn’t you find that a little bit disturbing? The man is even learning to pun in order to ingratiate himself to your sister. That has to be a sign of mental illness.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 11:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, since ur sis thot wut this constable wuz doin' iz romantic, i decided 2 try it w/rebeccah. i went up 2 rebeccah & sed, “hey singer—i’ve got a question. did u know i wuz crayzee ‘bout u?" rebeccah sed, “1st . don’t call me ‘hey singer.’” i sed, “ok. did u know i think ‘bout u 24 hours a day?” rebeccah sed, “i thot u didn’t lie.” i sed, “i don’t.” rebeccah sed, “well u just told me a lie. there’z no way u think ‘bout me 24 hours a day.” i sed, “y not?” she sed, “wen ur hungry or u needta go 2 the washroom ru thinkin’ ‘bout me?” i sed, “oh. i guess not. can i give u a demonstration of my romantic feelings 4u?” rebeccah sed, “u mean make out?” i sed, “yes.” she sed, “ok. i’ll meet u @the usual spot between classes.” i sed, “i mean rite now.” rebeccah sed, “thass wut i thot. wen boyz start talking ‘bout romance, it only meanz 1 thing.” i sed, “they want 2 make a romantic pun?” rebeccah sed, “have u been c-ing april on the side?” i sed, “no.” rebeccah sed, “punz r not romantic. no mattah wut apes sez. got it?” i sed, “got it.” rebeccah sed, “i hafta get 2 class. i’ll cu @our usual place.” i guess this stuff only works w/ur sis.

     

  • At 11:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    I am so happy you found a handsome man who worships you and loves romantic dancing. It took ages for my Amos to learn how to do a romantic tango with me, and it was at that moment I knew I was in love. It helped me overlook the fact that he looks like giant glasses-wearing, flappy-lipped mole. Unfortunately for me, all the really good-looking male dancers I know are gay. My roommate and dance partner Seth Appleby, is drop dead gorgeous and gay as can be. I admit I am little jealous you have good-looking one that can dance. He sounds very romantic.

    Edda Burber

     

  • At 12:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Elizabeth,

    I am so jealous you have a nice, good-looking guy on the right side of the law. There are two men pursuing me and if I could take parts of both of them, I could make one decent guy. My ex-boyfriend Dirk, is good-looking with a great body, but he is a jerk and has been arrested for assault before. The other guy interested in me is Brad DeGroot, who is a firefighter like me, but he is ugly, smells bad, and is about as romantic as an anvil. He is a pretty nice guy otherwise and he worships the ground I walk on. It sounds like you have the best of both worlds with your guy. Maybe I should start dating a policeman. Does your guy have a brother?

    Toni Daytona

     

  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i m actually concerned abt liz but she gets v. v. upset w/me when i say so, & she gets all "thank u 4 yr concern". well, u know what i mean, she'z done it w/u here on my blog.

    jeremy, i'm not in2 punz. just cuz i'm a patterson, doesn't mean i automatically like them. tell becks!

    btw, after the hockey match 2day, ger wants 2 go 2 horny tim's. ne1 who's interested is welcome 2 join us. we shd b there around 5:15, since the game'z gonna b over @ 5.

    apes

     

  • At 12:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Thank you for your concern, Howard, but I am handling my love life in my own way.

    April, I've realized that I've forgotten how to dance! Some people say that dancing is like riding a bicycle, that once you've learned how to do it, you never forget. But last summer, when I was home in Milborough, I tried riding my old bicycle, and I fell off!

    Anyway, I wanted to run something by you, and by your blog friends. Do you think it would be a terrible imposition if I asked Warren to fly down to Milborough, pick up Dennis, and fly him up here for emergency refresher dance lessons? And to stand by until they were done? And then fly him back? Sometimes, it's hard to know what's appropriate to ask of old friends and exes.

    Liz

     

  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, i think it wd b v. v. uncube of u 2 ask that of warren & dennis. they have, like, lives. & feelingz. so, no, don't do that!

    apes

     

  • At 12:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, okay, April, I guess that's a big "no" from you. Let's see what other people here think!

    Liz

     

  • At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, April! I just saw Duncan in the hallway, and he was telling me that you, he, and Gerald are getting together at your house tomorrow afternoon to practice some songs you've been working on for the March talent show. He mentioned that you could use a singer to help you try out the new songs. I told him I could do a little bit of singing for you guys, not that I'm committing to anything.

    Eva

    P.S. I'll see you at Horny T's later!

     

  • At 1:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    elizabeth, u don’t rilly know me, but since u asked. frum wut i can c, hott girlz can get guyz 2 do wutevah they wunt them 2 do. so, if u wanna c how hott u rilly r, then u shud call up ur ex-bf & ur ex-dance partner & c if they wud do it. u won’t get a much bettah test of ur hotness than that. if my ex-gf called me & asked me 2 go 2 the st8es, i know wut my answer wud b.

     

  • At 1:38 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Your sister’s question about whether she should ask Warren to fly down to Milborough, pick up Dennis, and fly him up there for emergency refresher dance lessons for her, disturbs me. I know some people have men throw themselves at them from all over the globe, but for the rest of us struggling in romance to find even one decent man, it is very frustrating to read.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 1:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    I read your writings today. I am glad your sister showed some restraint in telling you about our little dance together. Your sister seems concerned she has forgotten how to dance. I told her we could take dance lessons, but she is interested in ballroom dancing, and there is no teacher for that in Spruce Narrows or Mtigwaki. We could learn grass dancing or jingle dancing or fancy dancing though. There are many teachers of those dances in Mtigwaki for pow-wow. Your sister was not interested in that kind of dancing. She was even asking Shiimsa for ballroom dance advice. I may be wrong, but I am pretty sure “wiggle your bottom like a fish tail” and “arch your back like you’re mad” are not ballroom dance moves.

    All I seem to be able to do around your sister is tell her how much I love her. Well, that and I seem to have picked up a knack for police work-related puns. For example, we were doing some things together and she said, “I think that act may be illegal.” And I said, “If you would like to arrest me, that would be very arresting.” Pretty funny, don’t you think?

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

  • At 1:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, rebeccah haz 2 work again 2nite, so she cannot go 2 hockey or horny tim's. she sed the earliest she can do sumthing iz sunday, cuz her mom iz keepin' her so bizzy. she did say it wuz ok 4 me 2 go 2 the hockey game & horny tim's w/o her. unless sumthin' goez wrong, i shud b there.

     

  • At 5:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we won! yay! 6-4!

    so, like, here we r @ horny t's. "we" rite now = me, ger, dunc, jeremy, eva, & vicks. dunc's telling us sum stuff abt the drama club.

    apes

     

  • At 5:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The 3rd murderer linez r:

    1. Macbeth
    2. Hark! I hear horses.
    3. Almost a mile; but he does usually, So all men do, from hence to the palace gate make it their walk.
    4. ‘T is be.
    5. Who did strike out the light?
    6. There’s but one down; the son is fled.

    If I hafta hear it again, I am gonna scream.

     

  • At 6:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, dunc's a bit nervous abt the acting thing!

    apes

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, peeps, my dad just walked in! i'm crouching down in our booth so he doesn't c me! i'll let jeremy tell u what happs, cuz i can't look, can't look.

    apes

     

  • At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Strange day at the salon today. Sugar was sore with Howard because he won't be seeing Sugar's niece Greer anymore. And she started grilling me about my dates. I'm seeing Art Nouveau later tonight. When I couldn't stand it anymore, Howard and I went on our lunch break, and I asked him whatever happened with Phil Harmonic, Matt Trimonial, and Jim Nastic. We know things went bad with Guy L'Homme before they even had a chance to start, but Howard hasn't mentioned the others in a while.

    At first, he said, "Well, I was holding off on seeing those men because Becky wanted me to spend more time with her." I said, "But you've had time to go out with Greer." He said, "That's true. Becky's mom, Krystle McGuire, has been keeping Becky late at the bakeshop every night, and I've barely seen her at all this week." I said, "So, what about those guys?" Howard tells me he'll tell the rest. . . .

    Marjee

     

  • At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ok. april’z dad walked n & april started crouchin’ down n the booth. vicki simone sed, “wut ru doin’?” april sed, “it’s my dad. i don’t want him 2c me, or he’ll want 2 sit w/us.” duncan sed, “yeah, that wud b bad. i’ve had lots of convos w/dr. p.” he started walkin’ ‘round the restaurant. eva sed, “i’m scared, but i don’t know if i can commit 2 b-ing frightened yet.” gigli sed, “don’t worry april. if he comez near, i will throw my body on u 2 protect u.” i sed, “i dunno wut u guyz r afraid of. i’ve hadda do test drives with him. a convo n a restaurant cudn’t b worse than that.”

    then he came rite b-side the booth where april wuz crouching & hidin’ b-hind gigli. he sed, “have ne of u seen my best friend? i looked 4 her @my wife’z soon-2b-sold store & she wuzn’t there. i had sum more questionz 2 ask her ‘bout the internet.” vicki sed, “i haven’t seen mrs. p newhere.” eva sed, “i haven’t seen mrs. p either.” duncan sed, “his best friend iz april, not mrs. p” vicki sed, “eww. dr. p. don’ u have like ne othah friendz, u can call ur best friend?" dr. p sed, “well, there’s ted mccauley whom i have known & worked w/for ovah 25 yrs, but he’z not a friend.” i sed, “dr. p. mebbe u shud redefine wut u call a friend.” dr. p sed, “ur young & so naïve. w8. is that april ic b-hind gerald?” gigli sed, “no. it isn’t. it iz april’s stunt dubble.” dr. p sed, “stunt dubble. i didn’t know april had a stunt dubble.” april spoke n a rilly low voice & sed, “yes. dr. p. i am ur daughter’s stunt dubble 4 her yrbook assignments.” dr. p sed, “i didn’t know yrbook wuz so dangerous.” april sed n her low voice, “april haz been assigned 2 cover hockey & az u know n team sportz, they combine war, physical contact & ultimately a reazn 2 celebrate (or commiser8) w/ food. wen the hockey team winz, az they did 2day, i hafta stand n4 april durin’ the commiser8ing w/food part, 4 her own protection. ur wife nsisted so ur daughter wud b protected frum terrible info.” dr. p sed, “thass v.v. wise of elly. well ur a v.v. gud stunt dubble. u look just like april.” april sed, “we r similar but i am much shorter.” dr. p sed, “oh. well that xxplainz y i didn’t cu b4.” well, i gotta keep lookin’ 4 april. if uc the real 1 let her know i am lookin’ 4 her." we all sed we wud & april breathed a sigh of relief.

     

  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    phew! man, that was soooo close! quick thinking abt the "april’s stunt dubble" thing, that really saved me!

    apes

     

  • At 7:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Liz, I know I'm late in responding to your query about having Warren Blackwood fly Dennis North up to Mtigwaki to give you emergency dance lessons. I think you definitely should enlist the help of these men. Remember what our sainted mother always told us: "Seeing is believing." If Warren and Dennis are true friends, deserving of their association with you, they will drop everything to help you out. If they are not willing to do this small thing for you, then they are not true friends at all, and you will know better than to waste a single moment thinking about them ever again!

    Love,

    Michael Patterson

     

  • At 7:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, God, is that where I got "seeing is believing"? That settles it, I can't impose on Warren and Dennis like that! What was I thinking?

    Liz

     

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    As Marjee told you, Sugar was upset with me about Greer. “Why couldn’t you just eat the dog biscuits?” she said, when I told her what happened. I said, “They were an inferior brand and they didn’t have that special chicken flavour I like.” Sugar said, “They were dog biscuits! Not gourmet food!” I said, “I just can’t settle for some biscuit made primarily of ash and horse hooves.” Sugar said, “You don’t have a chance of getting back with Marjee if you don’t have someone to throw in her face.” I said, “I’m gay.” Sugar said, “You say that every time, I know better.” I decided to try something different. I said to Sugar, “I think it is over between Marjee and me. She has these other men to satisfy her and they are much better than I am.” Sugar said, “Don’t be down on yourself Howard. I know how you loved Marjee and I just want to see the two of you happy and not fighting with each other. The next time I set you up with one of my relatives, it will be with one that’s meant for you and not just to make Marjee jealous.” I said, “Sugar. You really don’t need to set me up with any more of your relatives.” Sugar said, “You don’t understand me very well, do you Howard?” I had to admit she was right about that.

    So, Marjee wanted to have lunch with me, which did not make Sugar happy, by the by. She asked me whatever happened with Phil Harmonic, Matt Trimonial, and Jim Nastic, the guys I met when I went speed-dating with Marjee some weeks ago. One of the men, Guy L'Homme mistook Becky for a homophobe and decided that if I was friends with her, then there could be nothing between us. I had not told Marjee how my dates with the other 3 men went. As Marjee mentioned, I was holding off on seeing those men because Becky wanted me to spend more time with her, but Becky's mom, Krystle McGuire, has been keeping Becky late at the bakeshop every night, and I've barely seen her at all this week; so I was finally able to schedule in those dates.

    The date with Matt Trimonial went very quickly. I called him up to reschedule and he said to me, “Would you marry me?” I said, “I am just calling to reschedule our 1st date.” Matt said, “Let’s just cut to the chase. I love you. You love me. Let’s get married. I have the forms already filled out and all you have to do is sign. We could be on our honeymoon tomorrow.” I said, “Whoa. Slow down boy. You’re moving so fast you could get a speeding ticket.” Matt said, “If you would like to fine me, that would be just fine. Only let’s get married. Are you free in the next few minutes? I can pick you up. My bags are packed and are in the trunk of my car ready to go.” I said, “Matt. I think we would be better off seeing other people.” He said, “You’re just like all the other guys, afraid of commitment. Well, fine.” Then he hung up.

    My next date was with Phil Harmonic. He wanted to go to see the Milborough Symphony Orchestra. I said, “You mean the Milborough Community Orchestra?” He said, “Don’t use the word ‘community.’ They find it insulting.” I said OK and we went. The concert wasn’t too bad for a bunch of volunteer orchestra players. Phil seemed to know everyone there and they seemed to know him too. We socialized with the orchestra members until the wee hours of the night. That evening went very well with Phil, and I did finally get to relieve a certain pressure that had been building in my body. Phil insisted on playing Beethoven’s 5th Symphony on his sound system while we doing it. I thought there was a lot of potential for Phil until I said, “Let me pick the date now. How would you like to go with me to see the Canadian Opera Company in Toronto?” Phil said, “Opera. That music stinks. It has an orchestra and it sounds great during the overture, but then all those singers and costumes just stink up the music.” It was then I knew Phil and I did not have a future together. Phil said, “You’re just like all the other guys. You don’t know good music.”

    My next date was with Jim Nastic. He is a very short man, but quite muscular. I was a little taken aback when he insisted on going down the street after doing a handstand. I said, “Don’t your hands get cold?” He said, “This frozen ice and concrete makes my hands tougher.” Then when we sat down to eat, he ordered only a few leafs of lettuce for his salad and no dressing. I said, “Aren’t you hungry?” He said, “You don’t want me to break training do you?” I said, “I thought you worked in a bank.” He said, “Yes. A man has to eat doesn’t he? Gymnastics doesn’t pay the bills.” I said, “Of course.” After eating, we went dancing. It was a little different than I have done dancing before. Jim insisted on tumbling whenever the dance floor was clear enough and he wanted me to do it with him. Needless to say, I ripped the bottom out of my pants and we had to leave. Despite all these difficulties, I thought we still had a chance. After all, his body was incredible. We went back to his place and in place of his bedroom there was gymnastic equipment. He said, in ancient Greece, the competitors in gymnastics would perform naked. I said, “Intriguing.” So we stripped down and I will have to admit being on the pommel horse, while Jim did his routine was mostly pleasant, except for the dismount. The rings were very difficult and I was pretty sure I strained my arms trying to hold myself up there with Jim while he did his thing. The floor exercise was very enjoyable. The horizontal bar was pleasurable but dizzying. Then he wanted to do the vault. He said, “You lie down, face forward on the landing mat and I will vault into you.” I said, “I don’t think we have a future together.” He said, “You non-gymnastics guys are all alike. You don’t have the stamina for a real man.” Of course, it wasn’t my stamina I was thinking of.

    That was pretty much how my conversation with Marjee went. Sugar glared at us as we came back to work. She came up to me and said, “I had a cousin set up to meet you and then you went to lunch with Marjee.” I said, “Well, maybe next time.” Sugar said, “OK. Lunch tomorrow.” There is no stopping her.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, howard, i m sorry 2 hear yr d8's did not end well. i hope u meet sum1 nice soon, who likes what u like & also appreciatez u!

    apes

     

  • At 8:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i hadta leave horny tim's. i am convinced gigli shud nevah b allowed 2 win @hockey. this iz wut april & gigli were sayin:

    april: quick thinking abt the "april’s stunt dubble" thing, that really saved me!
    gigli: i am alwayz thinkin' 'bout the welfare of my april flower. 24 hrs a day, 7 dayz a week, 365 dayz n the year. 366 in leap years. evn wen i am sleepin' & n my scheduled bathroom tyme.
    april: i nevah knew a hockey player cud b so romantic.
    gigli: ahh..lemme give u a demonstration.
    april: slow down, or you’ll b charged w/crosscheckin’
    gigli: if u’d like 2 penalize me 4 crosscheckin’… i wud like 2 check ‘cross u.

    i hadta leave or i wuz gonna get sick. sorry april. that mushy stuff gets 2 me.

     

  • At 8:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no prob, jeremy, & sorry abt the pda. i'm trying 2 convince ger that i really don't like the punny stuff, even if my last name is patterson. ::sigh::

    apes

     

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, it's v. scary. tho i think in ger'z case, the way he was, like, huggin' me when he did that bad pun sorta overcame the badness of the pun. but every 1ce in a while, i find i make 1 myself. then i wanna take myself out back & shoot myself! (well, not seriously, but u know what i mean.)

    apes

     

  • At 8:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, well. i know u don't like the punny stuff, but it looked like it wuz workin' 4 gigli. sumtymez u can't fite thoze genetic urgez. ur a patterson, so puns may b n ur genetic makeup. i try not 2b like my dad, but sumtymez i just am. it's kinda scary, eh?

     

  • At 9:00 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Thank you for wishing me well. I hope I meet someone nice soon, who likes what I like and also appreciates me, too! All you can do is to keep on trying. Most dates do not end up in second dates for me. I have never had the fortune Marjee has had with her dating life, or your sister’s fantastic allure, or even you, since Gerald has been devoted to you for a few years now. That is longer than any guy I have ever been with. However, when you’re a guy who wears dresses, there is a much smaller playing field than there is for a pretty young girl like you. Just thinking about this is getting me depressed. I think I need to lift some weights.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello).

    Your sister just told me she no longer thinks “Seeing is believing” is a good phrase. I asked her if this means she no longer wants me to transfer to Spruce Narrows, and she said no. I asked her if this means she wants to see me less often, and she said no. I said, “What does it mean?” She said, “I don’t think being a good dancer is that important anymore.” I said, “What do you think is important?” She said, “I think it’s time to feed Shiimsa. Would you get the food?” I learned something new about your sister. The welfare of animals is important to her. Your sister is wonderful. Another reason for me to love her.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     

Post a Comment

<< Home