Buzzword
Mom just got an e-mail from Mike, w/a video attachment. She actually woke me up 2 help her cuz she cdn't work it! Mike has 1 of his employeez viddy-ing everything he duz like that guy in the show Office, cuz he sumhow thinx ppl will watch &, like, care what he duz @ work, LOL!
So, it seemz the publisher of Portrait was in 4 a special mtg this past Friday. The vid startz w/Mike telling his staff, "OK, every1, the mtg's going 2 start in 5 minutes. R U ready?" This 1 guy goes, "I need coffee", sum woman sez, "Trip 2 the loo", while another guy is like "4got my notes" & sum1 in shadowz is all, "B rite back", & Mike has this worried look on his face. This part of the vid has a kinda "throwaway" feel 2 it, like U wonder Y it's in there @ all. NEway, next the vid cutz 2 the meeting, where the publisher guy is this baldy w/like 2 hairz combed over the bald, & he goez in2 this speech while every1 triez 2 pretend they're paying attention:
NEhow, Ger & I R meeting Eva & Dunc @ Horny T's @ 1 2day (Eva asked Ger & me 2 come along so every1 knowz there'z no "commitment" involved.) Shd we make sum Horny-T Bingo cards? NE1 who wants 2 join us there is welcome, BTW!
Apes
So, it seemz the publisher of Portrait was in 4 a special mtg this past Friday. The vid startz w/Mike telling his staff, "OK, every1, the mtg's going 2 start in 5 minutes. R U ready?" This 1 guy goes, "I need coffee", sum woman sez, "Trip 2 the loo", while another guy is like "4got my notes" & sum1 in shadowz is all, "B rite back", & Mike has this worried look on his face. This part of the vid has a kinda "throwaway" feel 2 it, like U wonder Y it's in there @ all. NEway, next the vid cutz 2 the meeting, where the publisher guy is this baldy w/like 2 hairz combed over the bald, & he goez in2 this speech while every1 triez 2 pretend they're paying attention:
As the publisher of Portrait Magazine, I welcome this opportunity 2 valid8 my association by saying that I consider myself implementational in the enabling of our team 2 focus, prioritize, & access our potential 4 proactivity. We R already outside the box, delivering the wow factor, & I'm cautiously optimistic that our cutting-edge approach will put us on a level playing field. Our competitors have demonstrated overlapping visions in trying 2 B unconventionalistic. They lack clarity. Which minimizes the velocity of their "translation-2-action" [airquotes] methodology. Our key 2 success is our implementation of team integrationism! By identifying high-performance leadership w/in the corporate gene pool, we create a lateral think tank, which will allow us 2 take it 2 the bank!!! This is not a value-neutral situation! The paradigm here is the balancing act we C between empowerment & productivity thru an incrementally changing environment. Proceeding on a go-forward basis, I--Just then, one of the employees shouts out, "BINGO!" Mike takes him aside & sez, "If U're going 2 play that game, Al .... Keep it quiet!" & U see "Al" holding a big Bingo card w/"Buzzword" on the top. Get it? He was playing the "Boardroom Bingo" game where U mark off squarez w/corporate jargon in 'em. Speaking of corporate jargon, how many yrs ago was Boardroom Bingo "cutting edge", eh? & Wd U believe Mom's going on & on abt what a gr8 boss Mike is? Geez, 2 her, everything he does is just wonderful. NEway, there'z a rumour going around that the Portrait staff has a version of this game they use 4 when Mike leads a meeting. I hear it's called "Dumbword".
NEhow, Ger & I R meeting Eva & Dunc @ Horny T's @ 1 2day (Eva asked Ger & me 2 come along so every1 knowz there'z no "commitment" involved.) Shd we make sum Horny-T Bingo cards? NE1 who wants 2 join us there is welcome, BTW!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:58 AM
11 Comments:
At 10:21 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Mom said you saw my video. What did you think of my little brainchild? Deanna says she loved seeing my managerial competence on display.
It's going to be a part of a series of instructional videos for Portrait editors. I have sent a copy to everyone I know. I think the camera captured my good side in every shot. Don't you agree?
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 10:22 AM,
April Patterson said…
which side was yr gd side, again?
apes
At 1:03 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Horny T bingo! Cube! Ive made up sum cards 4 the game. If ne1 wants 2 make sum more the menus here.
Im more than ok w/ missing the ice dance but I hafta b home by 2:30 4 the hockey game.
L8r.
At 1:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc's gotten "bingo" 2x in a row! we're playin' again now, & i think eva's close. i need "café mocha", "dutchie", & "black forest ham & swiss".
apes
At 4:20 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Little sis. You’re so silly. My good side is the front of my face. Some of the people to whom I have sent the video have been confused by some of the things my boss (the publisher) says. I thought I would provide a translation.
As the publisher of Portrait Magazine, I welcome this opportunity to validate my association by saying that I consider myself implementational in the enabling of our team to focus, prioritize, and access our potential for proactivity.
Translation: I am the publisher and I am still important, even though Mike Patterson is the one who makes everything work.
We are already outside the box, delivering the wow factor, and I'm cautiously optimistic that our cutting-edge approach will put us on a level playing field.
Translation: We were selling fewer magazines than we should, until Mike Patterson came along and showed us how to be level with everyone else.
Our competitors have demonstrated overlapping visions in trying to be unconventionalistic.
Translation: Other magazines have tried to do the same things Mike Patterson has, but they have failed.
They lack clarity.
Translation: Mike Patterson is a lot smarter than they are.
Which minimizes the velocity of their "translation-to-action" methodology.
Translation: Mike Patterson is a lot faster than they are.
Our key to success is our implementation of team integrationism!
Translation: Thanks to Mike Patterson, our team gets along great and we are a success.
By identifying high-performance leadership within the corporate gene pool, we create a lateral think tank, which will allow us to take it to the bank!!!
Translation: We recognize Mike Patterson is a leader who will make us money.
This is not a value-neutral situation!
Translation: Mike Patterson is valuable.
The paradigm here is the balancing act we see between empowerment & productivity through an incrementally changing environment.
Translation: Mike Patterson should be the publisher instead of me, but then we would lose our magazine’s productivity.
Proceeding on a go-forward basis, I—
Translation: We love Mike Patterson.
My translation really helps, don’t you think? I am thinking of getting a subscript-writing company to put it in at the bottom of the screen for that part of the video. That way, no one else will get confused.
Love,
Michael Patterson
At 4:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, so i call up rebeccah & ask her if she wants 2c a movie 2nite. i suggest underworld evolution, or final destination 3, or wen a stranger callz. rebeccah then sez 2 howeird, “jeremy wunts 2c a movie. wut do u wanna c?” howeird sez, “capote, transamerica, big momma’s house 2, or imagine me & u.” rebeccah sez, “wut do u think ‘bout thoze?” i say, “don’t take this the wrong way, if u don’t wanna c a horror flick, then can we @least c a film where there iz a guy & a girl & they like each othah, & the guy duzn’t wear women’z clothez.” rebeccah sed my answer 2 howeird & he sez, “y wud i wanna c a movie like that?” rebeccah sez 2 howeird, “i know, we cud go c pride & prejudice.” howeird sez, “thass soundz gud. matthew macfadyen wears a lotta lacy shirts, & he iz so cute.” rebeccah sez, “i know.” so, we are off 2c pride & prejudice. me, rebeccah & howeird.
At 4:55 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I read your writings today. It’s funny you mention playing Bingo, because that is the event my partner and I have to cover tonight as a part of our duties with the Ontario Provincial Police. It does not sound like very hazardous duty, but people in Otter County take their Bingo very seriously. Your sister has called Bingo in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees) before, and she can tell how serious it can be.
The last time my partner and I covered Bingo, we had 5 arrests –2 elderly women, 2 elderly men and a dog. The women were playing 5 cards, but only paid for 4, while the men were renumbering their cards to match what had been called. The dog was angry I think because he had been named Bingo, for the song, “There was a man who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o.” Some idiot actually named him Bingo and then took him to the game. He went a little berserk when he heard his name being called so many times by so many different people. I explained to them that other kinds of gambling were a lot more profitable and they never called Bingo. I think all of them learned a valuable lesson. I hope tonight is more peaceful.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:06 PM,
howard said…
April,
Jeremy has arrived for us to go to see Pride and Prejudice. It should be fun and I expect it will go a lot better than our zoo trip. As Belfrieda Batsize, I am required to escort Becky on her activities. I don’t think Jeremy was aware of that until now. Dr. McCauley requires me to keep a log of Becky’s non-school activities for him, so he can report it to wherever or whomever he reports it.
Of course this may all be a moot point, since we have not seen Dr. McCauley since he left for work on Friday. His office staff said he left work in the company of a young woman, so Krystle (Becky’s mother) suspects he went out for a weekend jaunt with one of the 3 women with whom he has been spending time. The big house now has a somewhat Victorian look to it. Krystle says if Dr. McCauley is not back tonight, she is going to have the floors redone. Neither Becky nor I have any idea why she is doing all this, and Krystle will not answer when we ask her. All I know is I am looking forward to seeing a movie. This housework has been wearing me out.
Howard K.
At 7:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i swear it’s like b-ing on a d8 w/2 girlz, xxcept 1 of them is a big guy & dressed like an old woman. have u evah done a game where u r8 movie starz on whether they are a doofus, hunk, nerd, foob, hottie, porko, zombie, or airhead? thass wut we r doin’ while we r havin’ dinner. keira knightly- airhead (their vote) / hottie (my vote). simon woods – hunk (their vote) / doofus (my vote), matthew macfadyen – hunk (their vote) / zombie (my vote).
rebeccah wunted howeird 2 rate her on a scale of 1-10 on looks, brainz, & fashion. howeird sed, “looks – 9, brainz -9, fashion -7.” rebeccah sed, “fashion-7?” howeird sed, “sorry, becky. 2 many turtleneck sweaterz.” rebeccah sed, “but they’re warm.” howeird sed, “warm iz functional, but not fashionable. ruling on the field standz.” rebeccah sed, “ok. i’m gonna r8 u.” howeird sed, “belfrieda batsize fashion duz not count.” rebeccah sed, “fair enuff. looks – 3, brainz-7, fashion -9.” howeird sed, “a fair assessment, altho mebbe a little high on brainz.” rebeccah sed, “i don’t think so. ur gullible, but ur mostly smart.” howeird sed, “thanx. ur2 kind.” i sed, “so wut wud u r8 me?” howeird & rebeccah started gigglin’, & then laffin’ & then they started doin’ thoze kinda laffs where no noise comez out cuz ur laffin’ 2 hard & u can’t breathe. aftah a long tyme they finally calmed down & i sed, “so, how wud u r8 me?” they started laffin’ again. i figger i don’t wanna know the answer.
At 8:02 PM,
howard said…
April,
We are at dinner with Jeremy and we started playing this rate the other person game on looks, brains and fashion. We were having a good time, and I said, “It’s too bad April and Gerald are not here. They would love this game.” Becky said, “Oh no, Howie. Never play this game with April. Stick with ‘Horny T Bingo’.” Becky looked very serious when she said that, so I guess something must have happened the last time Becky played that game with you.
Jeremy has been a good sport about having the 2 of us with him. I am sure he would prefer to be with Becky by himself, but I do have an escorting job to complete, and you know how I am about that sort of thing. After the rioting zoo animals, I need to keep a close watch on things. I do not want to be riding an elephant again anytime in the near future.
The waitress was funny. She asked us if we were grandmother, son, and granddaughter. Jeremy was not particularly amused by that. However, Becky was. All I have to do is say, “Granddaughter!” to her, and it puts her in a laughing mood.
The food is not good here, but it is inexpensive. I think Jeremy blew all his money on that Valentine’s Day date with Becky. The jewelry he gave Becky does not look cheap and I cannot imagine how much that horse-drawn sleigh set him back. I thought it was a little too much to be spending on a date, when you are 14 years old, but it’s not my money.
Howard K.
At 10:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, we hadda sneak n2 rebeccah'z bungalow. howeird sed if rebeccah'z mom saw us she wud put us 2 work doin' home renovations. howeird is makin' sum kinda chocolate dessert 2 take our mind off this rilly gross thing we saw. rebeccah's dad & hiz new wife came 2 the bungalow so rebeccah & howeird cud b witnesses 4 a pg test. then he sed, "come n2 unworthy suitor 4 my nordic daughter. sumday u2 cud b doin’ this w/ur wife, which will not b my becky-thora.” i know there’s sum peeps who rilly get n2 c-ing girlz n the loo, but i am not 1 of them. that terrbible info iz still frightening. it’s stuff i just didn’t wanna know ‘bout. well, 2nite i lost my innocence ‘bout that. i hope that chocolate iz rilly strong.
Post a Comment
<< Home