April's Real Blog

Friday, February 10, 2006

Agit-Pop

A coupla nites ago, I was sittin' in my room posting 2 this blog, when Dad clomped in with his nosy face, so I quickly minimized, since the 'rents still totally think the fake blog is my real blog. And he was, all, "Hi there, beautiful! What R U up 2?" & I was, like, "Oh....Nothin'. Just....Stuff." Dad cdn't just let that lie, so he was like, "Homework?" Me: "Sort of." Dad: "Chatting w/friends?" Me: "Sumtymez." Dad: "Surfing the net?" Me: "Once in a while." Dad: "Any good games?" Me: "Sure." & while this whole interro-convo was goin' on, Dad was, like, totally hangin' over my shoulder watching my 'puter screen! Good thing I had that whole "History of the Netherlands" spreadsheet ready to sproing open 4 just such a nosy-parent occasion. I was getting really tired of havin' an audience, so I sed, "Don't get agitated, Pop...." (He likes to be called "Pop" 4 sum reason.) Then I sed, "I don't do NEthig U wdn't do." Then he kinda walked out like he was in a trance, & went down the stairz. & I heard Mom sayin', "U look agitated." LOL! I guess that meanz he's worried I'm all DL-ing the choo-choo p-r0_N (just watch me get scaree Google hitz here even w/my tryin' 2 scramble that word).

What is it w/the 'rents & the nosy? Do yr 'rents do the same stuff, peeps?

NEway, no school 2day cuz of the v. special "cultural xperience" of the wedding betw Thorvald McGuire (Becky's dad) & a certain KK who doesn't like me 2 say 2 much abt her.

Gotta get myself 2gether 4 that pretty soon, cuz Becks txt'ed me & sed "Get yr arse here early as poss, lots 2 do!"

Apes

posted by April Patterson @ 7:12 AM  

102 Comments:

  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Hi Apes, I know I haven't posted n a while, but I've been reading that curling book & helping Gordie catch up w/his Western Civ assignments. He's doing a research paper on ancient Icelandic wedding traditions. I told him it's a funny coincidence that he's doing that, w/Mr. McGuire's wedding!

    I saw yr dad b/t 3rd & 4th periods today, at the front office. There was this Bushwhacker parked outside on the lot. So I'm pretty sure it's yr dad. He had a train conductor's hat on & coordinating overalls under his coat. Ms. Hanneke rarely takes attendance n algebra, so I figured I could lurk like Shannon.

    He told Ms. Bottinski that he had "a little pre-Valentine's Day surprise 4 his beautiful April." I guess it's small, bcause it's n 1 of those bags u get from the dentist's office w/a drawing of a toothbrush & smiling tooth on it. "Mr. Patterson, that's sweet of you, but we're already getting innundated w/flowers & chocolates from students' boyfriends and girlfriends, & it's not even Tuesday!" she told him, sounding stressed. There was a lot going on, it was noizy & the fone was ringing off the hook, so I understood how she felt. "Oh, don't get so agitated!" yr dad sed. She smiled @ him as he left, but she did look kinda agitated, w/all the bouquets of roses & boxes of chocolates crowding her desk. NEway, I didn't want 2 ruin NE surprise, but I thot u'd like a heads-up!

    Vicks

     

  • At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey, Vicks! April asked me to thank you for the heads-up. Her official job since early morning has been "keep Becky calm", something that has left no time for posting! Too bad Birth-Mom didn't go for the whole "cultural experience" day-off thing for you, eh?

    Marjee

     

  • At 2:17 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Sure thing, Marjee! It'll b here @ the front office 4 her Monday. I'm interested n what it is like I would b n a train wreck. Mayb that was a bad analogy....

    That's OK about the wedding. Mom said she was concerned 4 my safety & Becks is too, since yr dad's still upset w/Mom 4 moving on, marrying my dad & having me. Bsides, I didn't read NEthing about good Icelandic vodka being served @ the party last nite, so I don't think I'm missing much. Hey, I'm only 4 1/2 yrs away from being legal.

    Speaking of Mom, she told me a she saw a familiar name on the list of students 4 the "Creative Expository Non-Fiction Writing" course she'll b teaching this spring @ the community college. I'll report more when I have some downtime later!

    Vicks

     

  • At 2:19 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Vicki,

    I am in the middle of last minute wedding preparation here at Becky’s house. Fortunately Sugar let me and Marjee Mahaha get off work early. She said it would be good for us to experience a wedding together. Unfortunately, Dr. McCauley and Krystle McGuire are here and show no signs of leaving. So I have to do all my wedding prep in my Belfrieda Batsize disguise. I hope they leave before Thorvald and Kortney get here. I would hate to see a confrontation on what should be a happy day.

    Becky is a wreck and April is trying to keep her calm. Thorvald insists that Becky perform her duties as maid of honour and undress Kortney in the wedding bed at the conclusion of the wedding. April and Eva said they would help, but I can tell that none of them are interested in taking a wedding dress off a naked Kortney. If you decide to come to the wedding, you might get drafted to help in this area.

    It doesn’t help that the dogs Apollo and Zeus are barking a lot. I think all this Icelandic stuff may be upsetting their Greek background. Maybe I am overthinking that. On the plus side, the party pavilion looks great and I haven’t seen one electrified rodent all day.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 2:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i feel like death warmed ovah. i will b there 4 sound checks n a few. tell rebeccah not 2 get agit8ed, cuz i am not there yet.

     

  • At 2:52 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Hi, Howard. About that thing w/Kortney: no....just no.

    NEway, I was reading up on wedding traditions n Iceland, & apparently it's also customary 4 the bride & groom 2 have raunchy bachelor/bachelorette parties, so I'm surprised Mr. McGuire bypassed his. That Orque guy is connected w/the skankiest (& supposedly classiest) strip clubs n & around Milborough.

    U'll do fine, Becks! Howard, mayb get some steaks 4 the dogs. Me & Gordie might show up @ the reception if we get back from the library n time & we both find something decent 2 wear. Then my Mom'll pick Gordie up & drop us off. & if there's booze @ the party, Dr. Klebrige-Fingernagel says Gordie's supposed 2 have some 2 hasten his recovery. I never heard of a doctor saying a minor should drink, but they know what's best, I guess.

    Vicks

     

  • At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I came up with a suggestion--Kortney could wear a very opaque body stocking, as actors do for nude scenes in the soaps. Then the undressing could be symbolic. Birth-Dad Thorvald is thinking this over.

    Marjee

     

  • At 3:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky took me aside and asked me to pretend she'd bitched me out, if BDT asks. Sorry, guys, I was just trying to help!

    Marjee

     

  • At 3:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My litle Adajblog flower, Beckythora, and freinds,

    I am having the greetest time of my liffe as the best man for my frend Thorvald's weddding! we are at my huse, wich we are using as "grooms homebase" for teh wedding. We have been triing on our costumes and driking mead for hours! Mom went to visit her sistre in Barrie, so Dad hass joyned us as the grom's valet. Dad drank some of the brennivin on a dare, and no he isin quite a boysteris mood.

    You kno, that brennnivin is really quit remarkible stuff. I had a teribel headace and was sick to my stomach when I wok up this mornin. But then thorvald gav me some brennivin, and I have felt jut fine sense.

    weth lov,

    gisli

     

  • At 4:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    der Adelbyork flowr an rebeckythora,

    i am teh best man! its my titel! MIne! i am the best man in the worl. Dad and Thro are planing my wedddding rigth now. i Will maka a grate husbend.

    gisli alosyssiussssen

     

  • At 4:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    my lil adulbyorg, did yo her teh gret news? dad is comng too teh wedig.

    who teh rooomm is spnnnig.

    gisli

     

  • At 4:43 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Ever since your dad invited Dr. McCauley and Krystle to stay for the wedding (blast him!), I have been going back and forth between your house and Gerald’s house, trying to perform my duties both as Belfrieda Batsize in your house and Hauskuld, ring bearer at the groom’s homebase (Gerald’s). I have been changing costumes back and forth, so not to alert Gerald’s father and the city official (the Milborough Animal Control Department head) of my dual identities. Not only that, but your father insists on riding Freyfaxi from Gerald’s house to your house as a part of his wedding procession. Apollo and Zeus have not been quieting down with their barking, despite the steaks that Vicki Simone suggested and I fear that it will be more of the same with Freyfaxi. I should be there in a few minutes with the groom’s party.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 4:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i h8 2 say it, but i think ur bf haz a drinkin' problem. rebeccah showed up 2 sober him up & her dad sed, "becky-thora, u shud b preparin' my bride. i will sober up gigli." course hiz method of soberin' iz 2 slap him, which wud b ok, xxcept gigli's dad wunted 2 join n. so rebeccah sed, "use the finger dad." then she sed, "no dad. 2 make him throw up." aftah that & sum coffee, i think gigli may b able 2 walk now.

    they're gettin' reddy 2 race now.

     

  • At 4:54 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    That was an interesting race. All 3 dogs (including Zeus) started tearing toward Becky's house at top speed. Thorvald said, "I want to do that again." Gerald said, "I never want to do that again." We are going to have to do something to calm down these dogs, if we are going to have a wedding. My usual calming strokes and mentioning the common enemy of the Romans is not working.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:00 PM, Blogger howard said…

    A quick change into Belfrieda Batsize, say “Sir, I’ll help Becky” to Dr. McCauley, and I am helping Becky lock the dogs in the pool house. They are not happy, but it is the best I can do. They won’t calm down. Now to change back into Hauskuld for the wedding. I thought I saw something moving around outside. It must be my imagination. I don’t have time for that. Got to change back.

     

  • At 5:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i get 2 walk down the aisle w/marjee az a groomsman. she sed, "ur 1 of thorvald's relatives". i sed, "no i am jeremy jones, rebeccah's xxclusive friend w/bennies." marjee sed,"oh sorry." we r reddy 2 go if becky can quit runnin' around. i think april iz reddy 2 do that wedding march musick.

     

  • At 5:08 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I was all lined up and ready to go as Hauskuld, when I heard Dr. McCauley say, “Mom. Can you get me my camera?” So, did a quick change to Belfrieda Batsize, got him the camera, and said, “I must help Becky, sir. Excuse me.” Then I changed back to Hauskuld and the got the stolen rings on a pillow. I wonder if the pillow was stolen too. I think I hear something crawling around the ceiling of the party pavilion. I can’t worry about that now. I have to present these rings. April is going to start the wedding march music and then get into line with Becky's uncle Ralph now.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ok. that wuz weird. i walked marjee down the aisle & this electrified rodent hopped rite n front of me. marjee & both stopped, but rebeccah’s aunt mark & aunt arlene were b-hind us & sed, “keep goin’.” so we did. i can hear thingz movin’ around now & every1 is lukin’ around. thoze dogz n the pool house r goin’ crayzee & i think it’s cuz of that rodent.

     

  • At 5:21 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I saw the electrified rodent that hopped in front of Marjee and Jeremy. A quick change to Belfrieda Batsize and I got my broom and cardboard box and swept it up once it left the main pavilion floor. Then back to Hauskuld just in time to bring down the rings.

    Becky and Gerald are walking together as best man and maid of honor. Thorvald and Dr. Forsythe are, shall we say, very enthusiastic seeing them together and say a few unfortunately crude things about what Becky and Gerald should do on their own wedding night. April does not look happy.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april wuz ticked off, but then this whole swarm of electrified rodents scampered past the altar & went sumwhere. i started flashing back 2 wen they got n2 my house. i cud tell howeird wuz goin’ a little crayzee ‘bout it, but he cudn’t do nething, cuz he iz stuck holdin’ that pillow & thoze ringz. creepy mccauley iz startin’ 2 luk around 4 sum1 2 clean up the rodents.

     

  • At 5:31 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Holy crap! A whole mess of electrified rodents ran past and Dr. McCauley has started calling for mom. I was about to go after them when Thorvald said to me, “Hauskuld. Your devotion to me is more important than a few rodents and typing these posts. You can get to them later.” I am trying to restrain myself but wait a minute. The dogs have stopped barking. OK. I need to stop posting and hand off some rings.

     

  • At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Ha! I swiped April's phone again. I don't think she even knows, she just looks confused. Clueless Patterson! This phone fits so nicely into my bodice. I wish all these people would pay attention to me, me, me, not the stupid "rodents".

    Kortney

     

  • At 5:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    oww! these rodents sting! marjee & i r b-hind a table w/april & gigli. wow! look @howeird or ugly old lady howeird go! a broom n each hand & pushin' a big cardboard box w/hiz foot. it's like outa sum kung fu movie, only it's a transvestite dressed az an old lady fu. oh! thass gotta hurt. oh w8 that wuz just hiz wig.

     

  • At 5:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    It's MY day, dammit! MY day! MINE!!!

    Kortney

     

  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I had to take a break to handle those rodents and to see if I could calm the dogs as Belfrieda Batsize. No luck either way. And I had to change back for the wedding. A man in the back has just said something very interesting about Kortney and I think Thorvald is a little upset.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 5:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This wedding is very interesting.

    Ava (Eva)

     

  • At 5:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    This is NOT happening. Not, not, NOT!!!

    Kortney

     

  • At 5:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    ok. i am steppin' back now. thorvald iz gettin' reddy 2 uze that axe.

     

  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    this weding iz verry intresting. i hope my weding too my littel adelbyorg flowr is less violent.

    gisli

     

  • At 5:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    So that's one of Kortney's ex-"friends" from high school. I am better looking than he is. And now I understand why I found Kortney so attractive. I am going to have to change now. Those dogs are getting out of hand.

     

  • At 6:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    No. No, no, no, no, no!!!!!

    Kurt--er, Kortney

     

  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Oh great! The dogs broke through the window. They are chasing electrified rodents, which seem to be everywhere. This is a job for Belfrieda Batsize.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    got my fone back! i guess it fell out just as kortney was hittin' "submit"! hm, mayB i shd try my pied piper imitation. where'z that whosy-whatsy i was playin'? oh, there it is. wish us luck.

    apes/adalbjor

     

  • At 6:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    kortney just got b-hind the table w/me & marjee & april & gigli. i sed, “sum weddin’ kortney, or shud i say kurt.” kortney sez, “that man wuz lying. an ex-bf of mine, tryin’ 2 ruin my weddin’ outa jealousy.” april sed, “thanx 4 givin' my fone back. sorry ‘bout ur dress. wuz it torn up by the rodent, or freyfaxi?” gigli sed, “don’t 4get the viking minister.” kortney sed, “the rodent ruined my headpiece. freyfaxi ripped the bottom of my dress wen he ran under me chasin’ the rodent. the viking minister ripped the top of my dress w/hiz horned helmet.” marjee sed, “we can prolly fix ur dress, so u can finish the weddin’.” kortney sed, “u gotta b crayzee. there iz not much left of this dress.” i am tryin’ not 2 luk @her girl parts.

     

  • At 6:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    oww! these rodents sting! wow! look @howeird or ugly old lady howeird go! a broom n each hand & pushin' a big cardboard box w/hiz foot. it's like outa sum kung fu movie, only it's a transvestite dressed az an old lady fu. oh! thass gotta hurt. oh w8 that wuz just hiz wig.

    i just had this strange sense of déjà vu.

     

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh, man, I think 1 of the 'dents 8 my langspil. Got 2 go check it out.

     

  • At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i suppoze that answerz the question of whether or not rebeccah’s dad’s axe battle troll can conduct electricity. he iz out cold. luks like creepy mccauley haz gotten out a gun! holy crap! well, i guess that answerz the question of whether or not that gun can conduct electricity. howeird ugly old lady iz lookin’ more & more like howeird. not much of that costume left. april is startin’ 2 feel sorry 4 the electrified rodents cuz she keeps wincin’ everytyme 1 gets whacked. i guess it’s cuz she haz an electrified rodent az a pet.

    howeird whacks them on the head w/1 end of broom 2 knock them unconscious or worse & then he sweeps them n2 the cardboard box w/the othah end. i have been puttin’ my bod between the rodents & april & marjee. i have been stung enuff 2 hope that howeird takes a few of them out.

    ic duncan now. he iz havin' a hard tyme decidin' 2 protect ava(eva) or hiz langspil. idiot.

     

  • At 6:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i tryed too catch a bunnie fore my dmpleng adelbyorg. she lovs bunnys. butt it shoked me. so now i am on teh flor.

    gisli

    ps i do not thik its verry funy when jermy calls me giggly or whatevier.

     

  • At 6:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    u know bikers wear a lot of conductive metal n their jewelry. there were a bunch of them @the weddin’ & now they r sleepin’. gigli went aftah a bunny 2. i didn't know he wore jewelry. oh, it's that locket, april gave him. rebeccah’s mom, krystle went 2 get anothah cardboard box 4 howeird. she kicked both creepy mccauley & thorvald wen she walked by them & sed, “get up!” they r not movin’ much. i know how it feelz 2 get zapped by thoze rodents. they keep gettin' my back tryin' 2 get b-hind this table.

     

  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, obvs the pied-piper trick didn't work & omgggggggggggggggggggggggg

     

  • At 6:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    it’s kinda funny 2c all thoze peeps zapped & twitchin’ on the floor like that, but the funniest thing iz duncan tryin’ 2 protect ava(eva) from the ‘dents w/a ½ eaten langspil. ava(eva) keeps yellin’ sumthin’ ‘bout how she duzn’t want 2 commit 2 b-ing protected. duncan luks agit8ed.

    crap! a rodent got past me & zapped april. she luks a little groggy. she'z mumblin' stuff like, "he called me beautiful. he duzn't call mom beautiful." it's weird wut u think 'bout wen u've been zapped.

     

  • At 6:36 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Rats. I mean rodents. I broke my broom. Hey these chairs are wooden and they have six points of potential offensive contact. Beware rodents! Belfrieda Batsize will see to your demise!

     

  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew. puke not booful.

     

  • At 6:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    it’s like the grossest wet t-shirt contest evah. i am tryin’ 2 turn my head, but i can’t. duz april stuff?

     

  • At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Some guy wearing big rubber gloves is grabbing rodents and saying "Where's that pool? These zappers are going down!" Who is this guy!

    Ava (aka Eva)

     

  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Fortunately, the men and women of the Milborough Animal Control Department arrived to save the day. I wondered where their department head, that was the official town representative at the wedding went, after the rodents attacked. Since they have the situation under control, I can change back to Hauskuld and pretend I was hiding somewhere. That way no one will suspect that Belfrieda Batsize and Hauskuld ring bearer are one and the same. Then maybe we can finish this wedding.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 6:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    aprl i am so sorrry i pucked on your boobs. they r verry delitefil anywey.

    i think i am startig to sobre up. what happend to the wedding?

    gisli

     

  • At 6:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ew, ew, ew! i need a shower. i need 10 showers. & a change of clothes. & sum clean knee-hi's.

    apes/adalbjorg

     

  • At 6:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah got zapped so i am tryin' mouth-2-mouth & some chest compressionz, but not 2 hard on the chest compressionz cuz the last tyme sum1 did chest compressionz on me i got bruises. i think rebeccah iz respondin', cuz wen i do mouth-2-mouth, her tongue iz movin'.

     

  • At 6:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    What happened? How did I get here? Why is some guy I don't know feeling me up?

    Marjee

     

  • At 6:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Well, when I said I wanted to get to know my birth-family relatives, that wasn't exactly what I meant! Sorry I had to punch Auntie Arlene like that.

    Marjee

     

  • At 6:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Duncan is very brave! (Not that I'm committing to anything!)

    Ava (aka Eva)

     

  • At 7:01 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I changed into Hauskuld and said, “I was just hiding in the closet until I came out.” Then I went over to Becky and she said, “Go help mom. OK. Jeremy, you can start again.” I went over to Krystle (Becky’s mom) and she was twitching quite a bit. So, I used a few massaging techniques I know to calm down overstimulated nerves. She seemed to come out of it. She said, “Thanks Howard.” I said, “I am Hauskuld for the day.” She said, “Do you have any other Belfrieda Batsize outfits?” I said, “I don’t know what you mean?” She said, “Howard. Don’t be an idiot. Those rodents tore that outfit up. It was obvious to everyone, but probably not to Ted, because he was unconscious. Do you have another outfit?” I said, “Well, yes. I made a spare, just in case I ripped something.” Krystle said, “Go and change into that outfit.” I said, “But what about the wedding?” Krystle said, “Do you see Thorvald or Kortney in the room?” I said, “Oh. They are…. Oh my. On their wedding day?” Krystle said, “Obviously no wedding is going to occur. Change into your Belfrieda Batsize outfit before Ted wakes up. And, Howard?” I said, “Yes.” Krystle said, “Thanks for saving the day.” Then she…well she was very thankful. I have changed into Belfrieda Batsize costume #2 now. It looks like Thorvald is getting married after all. I wonder if Becky approves of her new step-mom. I wonder if the new step-mom realizes Thorvald is not legally divorced from Krystle.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I swear, Dunc was very woozy for a moment there! Lucky I took that CPR course (non-commitally, of course)!

    Ava (aka Eva)

     

  • At 7:09 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, i'm cleaned up now. that was soooo gross. what's going on? i'm v. confused!

    apes

     

  • At 7:11 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Dr. McCauley woke up and said, “Mom. I am so glad you are all right. Then he passed out again.” Thorvald said, “Hauskuld. My rings! I started to go to change back into Hauskuld again and Thorvald said, “The only one here you doesn’t know you are Hauskuld is that idiot on the floor unconscious. Bring me the rings.” I was bringing the rings when Kortney said, “Hey. One of those rings is mine.” Thorvald said, “Woman / man, do not insult a marriage blessed by Freya by making such a demand.” Kortney said, “Unless you want me to tell the town officials that are here cleaning up rodents where you got those rings, you will give me my ring.” Thorvald said, “I will pay you for it.” Kortney said, “No counterfeit money.” Thorvald said, “I will trade you for it. What do you want?” Kortney said, “Your axe, Battle Troll!” Thorvald said, “Never!” Kortney said, “Gentlemen of the Milborough Animal Control Department, I have something to tell you.” Thorvald said, “Oh very well. You are as vile as Hela, daughter of Loki.” Becky said to Thorvald, “You’re giving up your axe?” Thorvald said, “I got it at a sale a few weeks ago. I have 2 more like it at home.”

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    the animal control guyz got the last of the rodents, i hope. thora egilsdottir & rebeccah’z dad got married. rebeccah’s uncle ralph & aunt mark were cryin’ & holdin’ each othah & sayin’ they hope their wedding will b az touchin’ & movin’ az thorvald’z. i got thiz kinda strange feelin’ that rebeccah’z famly duzn’t have normal weddingz, unless this wuz considered normal. rebeccah’z dad iz signalled it’s tyme 4 sum musick. course i went 2 the setup of the instruments & every last wire iz chewed up. no sound, no electric nething. april sez she can play her songz acoustic. she’z gonna try that.

     

  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Krystle and I carried Dr. McCauley to his bedroom. While we were carrying him, Krystle said, “Thorvald and his weddings. This one was almost as interesting as mine and Thorvald’s.” I said, “Your wedding, ma’am. What happened during your wedding?” Krystle said, “You don’t need to ‘ma’am’ me Howard.” I said, “Yes, ma’…I mean Krystle. So what happened at your wedding?” Krystle said, “Nothing as mundane as electrified rodents. By the time our wedding ceremony was done, we had destroyed 11 cars, 2 snowmobiles and a tricycle.” When we got back to the main area, April was singing and playing her acoustic guitar. April has a very nice singing voice. Eva and Duncan have joined her.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 7:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    anne nichols haz arrived. food! howeird iz liting wut candlez r left aftah the rodents came n. rebeccah’z dad is sitting @a high table on 1 side & thora is sittin’ on the othah side. the viking minister iz sittin’ between them. gigli iz next 2 rebeccah’z dad & rebeccah iz next 2 thora.

    it luks like a 3-course meal, bread, some meat called hangikjöt. howeird told me it iz smoked leg of lamb & not putrid shark meat, which makes me feel a lot bettah. then this rilly pyramid-luking kransakaka cake 4 dessert. howeird sed, “only 19 layerz. incompetent.”

    rebeccah wuz getting’ concerned ‘bout havin’ 2 undress thora, but thora sed, “since thorvald & i have just met, i think we need 2 practice the ancient tradition of the tobias nites.” thorvald sed, “no. not the tobias nites. ur loins r mighty enuff 2 bear the strong viking spawn of thorvald now! thorvald’s seed iz reddy!" thora sed, “patience thorvald. it is a short tyme.” rebeccah sed, “wut r tobias nights?” thora sed, “tobias nights r wen the bride & groom do not have intercourse during the 1st 3 nites of their marriage. it wuz thot 2b a necessary consideration of the groom 2 the bride 2 go slow w/her @1st & give her tyme 2 get 2 get used 2 him & 2 know him.” rebeccah sed, “dad, u rilly shud practice the ancient traditionz.” thorvald glared @rebeccah. it wuz pretty funny.

     

  • At 7:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    The Viking food is very good, even without the brennivin. I said this out loud. Mrs. Nichols seemed happy to hear it, but Howard snarled at me.

    Thorvald gave me another tankard of mead, but this time I am only sipping it, like my little Adalbjorg flower taught me.

    Sincerely yours, Gisli (Gerald)

     

  • At 8:00 PM, Blogger howard said…

    We are eating Anne Nichols’ food, at least what of it I can keep down. I have Krystle to the right of me and Marjee Mahaha to the left of me and Becky’s aunt Arlene is to the left of Marjee Mahaha. When aunt Arlene tries to put her hand on Marjee, she smack her. When Marjee tries to put her hand on me, Krystle smack her. When Krystle tries to put her hand on me, Marjee smacks her. I think I am the only one eating.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My hands are tired from all the slapping!!!

    Marjee

     

  • At 8:11 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, i didn't realize how hungry i was till i started eating. tho becks sez we shd pretend we don't like the food v. much 4 howard's sake.

    apes/adalbjorg

     

  • At 8:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    gigli iz making a big deal ‘bout not drinkin’ 2 much, like he sed, “my little adalbjorg flower taught me.” gigli’s dad woke up & sed, “iz it tyme 4 food alreddy? iz the brennivín all gone?” thorvald sed, “nay, future in-law. there iz plenty brennivín left. &u may need 2 nstruct ur son how 2 handle women. they do not nstruct men on the consumption of mead.” thora sed, “iz that so thorvald? well, yru drinkin’ mead? i think u shud be drinkin’ brennivín.” thorvald sed, “iz that a challenge, my new wife?” thora sed, “it iz, my new husband. if u can outdrink me n brennivín, then u may have ur way w/me 2nite & we will skip the tobias nites.” thorvald sed, “ur on, new wife of mine. 2nite ur loins w/b filled with future thorvald spawn.” thora sed, “i must warn u thorvald, i have won the eurovision icelandic drinking contest.” & they r on. i am gettin’ sick just lookin’ @them.

     

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm not appreciating all this talk of ger b-ing thorvald's future sil. that is so not cube. hello, ger's gf here! gah!

    apes

     

  • At 8:21 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Howard,

    Mrs. Nichols originally made the cake with 20 layers. But, when I was drafted to help her carry it in from the catering van, I stole one of the layers. I have put it aside for a private celebration between myself and my little Adalbjorg flower. I also stole a small vat of mead. Thorvald saw me, and he winked, so I think it is okay.

    When I went to the bathroom earlier, Aunt Mark was in there. He kissed me. With tongue. I asked him why he did that. He said it was family tradition, and that if you want the married couple to have a long and happy life, you will return the kiss with strong Viking eagerness. Aunt Mark and I kissed for a long time in the restroom until Uncle Ralph came in and told me the "tradition" was a lie. Uncle Ralph seemed angry. Aunt Mark just grinned and said, "That boy is the best kisser I've ever met! He'll make some man very happy someday!"

    I informed him, "I already have my man. His name is April. But thank you for the nice kiss. You should work on flossing your molars, though."

    Sincerely yours, Gerald (Gisli)

     

  • At 8:24 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becky's aunt arlene is sayin' that since my bf made out w/becky's aunt mark, it follows that i shd make out w/aunt arlene. i'm not making out w/becky's aunt arlene!

    apes

     

  • At 8:28 PM, Blogger howard said…

    All that Brennivín being mixed with Anne Nichols’ cooking in Thora and Thorvald’s stomachs. I think I there may be some more spewing tonight. Honestly, I have never seen a woman drink that much before. Thorvald may lose this contest.

    Marjee just whispered something naughty in my left ear. Aunt Arlene just whispered something naughty in Marjee’s left ear. Krystle just whispered something naughty in my right ear. Arlene just whispered something naughty in April's right ear. Where’s the napkins? Incompetent caterer. My ears are soaked.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i'm not appreciating all this talk of ger b-ing thorvald's future sil. that is so not cube. hello, rebeccah's xxclusive friend w/bennies here! gah!

     

  • At 8:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear non-wedding attending friends,

    There has been a most disturbing development. My father chose to enter the brennevin drinking contest with Thora and Thorvald. At some point in there, Dad asked, "What do I get if I win?"

    And Thorvald said, "You may have the right of first night with my Thora!"

    And then Thora asked, "But what if there is a tie between the two of you?"

    Now, Marjee says she thinks Thora was hoping for some "hot three-way action," whatever that is. But instead, Thorvald said,

    "Then we will make Gisli and my little Bergy-Thora marry!"

    There was much laughter.

    April is holding on to my leg so hard that I think she is going to leave little scars.

    Sincerely distressed, Gerald

     

  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    clenching, clenching, hoping this was a joke, clenching!

    apes

     

  • At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    holy crap, thorvald just took a break frum the drinking contest 2 go 2 the washroom. wen he came back he gave a document 2 gigli’s dad. gigli’s dad sed, “viking prearrange marriage form. v.v. inneresting.”

     

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Oops! That was very clumsy of me to accidentally knock over that candle on top of that Viking pre-arranged marriage form. I am terribly sorry. I hope it didn’t frighten you, when I threw it to the floor and stomped out the fire until the document was in little tiny singed pieces.

    Marjee is motioning for me to go to a room on the east side of the party pavilion with her. Krystle is motioning for me to go to a room on the west side of the party pavilion with her. Becky’s aunt Arlene is motioning for Marjee to go to a room on the north side of the party pavilion with her. I am getting a little dizzy.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 8:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I'm holding April back. Duncan is helping me. He's very strong. But I'm not making a commitment when I say that.

    Ava (aka Eva)

     

  • At 8:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    omg! that thora can drink. while rebeccah’s dad & gigli’s dad were chantin’ "tie! tie! tie!" & knockin' rebeccah'z & gigli'z heads 2gethah, she wuz knockin’ down bottles of brennivín. she haz taken a 2-bottle lead. i think she wuz ticked off they didn’t go 4 the 3-way sex on the tie. u know they say, “a woman spurned iz a woman who’s gonna withhold sex.” well, thass wut my dad alwayz sez neway.

     

  • At 8:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks & i r yellin' "go thora, go thora!" ger's lying on under the table going, "wha? ha? kissme?"

    apes

     

  • At 9:03 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April and Becky and Duncan have started cheering on Thora. Ava (Eva) is making some sort of noncommittal attempts to cheer, like "Maybe you should win, if you want, Thora."

    Krystle has suddenly realized what is going on and has joined in cheering for Thora. She said, "Anyone who wants to withhold sex from Thorvald is all right by me." Marjee joined in the cheering and so has Becky's aunt Arlene (although reluctantly).

     

  • At 9:16 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thora'z been declared the winner. thorvald & dr. f r both pouting.

    apes

     

  • At 9:17 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Becky! Does Auntie Arlene know I'm related to her? Does she care?

    Marjee

     

  • At 9:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    that wuz an inneresting contest. thorvald sed, “u will not beat me new wife of mine. i have prodigious powers to drink, just like my namesake thor.” then thora sed, “thor was not able 2 win hiz drinking contest w/utgartha-loki.” thorvald sed, “utgartha-loki tricked thor n2 tryin’ 2 drink the sea. i am not tryin’ 2 drink the sea, new wife of mine. u will b vanquished.” thora sed, “utgartha-loki iz a trickster. he duz not have thor’s mite, but he wuz able 2 outsmart thor. tell me thorvald, how much did u drink b4 ur wedding? did u follow the viking tradition & drink everyday 4 2 weeks? did u drink all morning this morning?” thorvald bellowed, “ru sayin’ i do not follow the traditionz of our ancestorz, new wife of mine?” thora sed, “nay, new husband of mine. i did not know i wud b married 2day, so my 1st drink 2day wuz aftah our ceremony. but ur massive manly viking body iz full of mead & brennivín frum 14 dayz of drinkin’. it iz not possible 4u2 win.” thorvald laffed & sed, “wut a woman my new wife iz. ur drinkin' logick iz rite. i cannot deny it. i declare u the winner. b-sides we are out of brennivín."

     

  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i've just schooled ger, like becks asked. now he's groping my calf & sayin' "patterson gams. how aprilicious!"

    apes

     

  • At 9:36 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Thora explained Tobias nights. It is an old custom that a bride and groom could not have intercourse during the first three nights of their marriage. These were called The Tobias Nights. The bride and groom would instead pray together and sleep.

    Thorvald said, “Pray together and sleep! I know what my prayers would be.” Dr. Forsythe said, “This sounds like a Patterson tradition.” Then he looked at April and said, “Did your mother make up Tobias nights?” April said, “My mother is not into praying.” I said, “Thora, did you bring up Tobias nights because you wanted to have time to get to get used to Thorvald, or did you bring it up so Becky would not have to undress you per the Viking tradition?” Thora said, “It was for Becky-thora. The Viking tradition is really supposed to be for the bride’s closest friends and not the groom’s daughter.” I said, “So, if Thorvald agrees that you don’t have to be undressed by Becky, would you wave off the idea of the Tobias nights?” Thora said, "Certainly. My Viking blood burns for Thorvald, but I do not want to humiliate Becky-thora. If Thorvald agrees, then so will I." Everyone looked at Thorvald for his answer, particularly Becky.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i have rilly wunted 2 give gigli a good kick 2nite w/him feelin' up rebeccah & talkin' 'bout her b-ing hiz pre-fiance. i am tryin' 2b cube. violence iz not the way. remembah the car accident. remembah the car accident.

     

  • At 9:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i just made ger apologize 2 jeremy. then jeremy made ger apologize 2 me. after all that apologizing, ger decided 2 lie under the table sum more.

    apes

     

  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    gigli's dad haz told gigli 2 get out frum undah the table othahwize he will lose sum of his manly powerz. he sed, "remembah son. apologizin' iz a gud thing, if it gets u sum gud lovin'. if miss patterson iz not willin' 2 put out, mebbe u shud try apologizin' 2 miss mcguire nstead." i think april overheard that convo. i dunno wut she will do, but she haz an innerestin' luk on her face.

     

  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Well, this wedding party is over. Nobody really wants to hear Thorvald and Thora screaming and moaning. Well almost nobody.

    Dr. McCauley woke up and came in the room and said, “Mom. Could you get me a glass of milk?” I said, “Yes, sir.” As I was taking it to him, people started leaving. I have to drive some of the young people home. Becky is staying behind to make sure Anne Nichols is paid and she is helping her clean up. Jeremy is over by the sound equipment having a good cry over the eaten wires, while he is putting it up in Becky’s music studio. I heard some people, who shall not be named; compliment Anne Nichols on her cooking. I suppose I cannot expect everyone in the world to have good taste.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:00 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i guess i shdna kicked dr. f in the shin when he sed that thing abt ger apologizing 2 becky so he cd "get sum luvvin'". but i m just so sick of this shit, peeps! i think howard'z gonna drive us home soon.

    apes

     

  • At 10:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Watching Dr. F hop up and down on one leg while holding the other is very interesting tonight.

    Ava (aka Eva)

     

  • At 10:05 PM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Ava, u r so cube can I buy u a dbl dbl sumtime next week in a noncomital way?

    An' Im feeling sorta romantic feelings 4 Kimmi aft the wedding I want 2 send her a VD luv poem but Im no good @ poetry I can get it to her by xpress post if its ready by Mon am. Apes? Becky? Howie? Can u help w/ a poem 4 a cube hottie @ a Catholic military reform skool? I rite the tunes not the lyrics.

    MCDunC

    p.s. Beckers, I thot I looked rilly studly in the costume what did u think?

    p.p.s Im gone 2 TO 4 the rest of the weekend 4 sum famly thing b back Mon.

    p.p.p.s. Peeps, mayb I need a poem 4 the Sister who censors the mail 2 so I no Kimmi gets her poem.

     

  • At 10:06 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sure, dunc, i'll help u do a poem!

    apes

     

  • At 10:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dunc, a non-commital dbl-dbl sounds very cube (& interesting).

    Ava (Eva)

     

  • At 10:09 PM, Blogger howard said…

    OK. I am heading out with Duncan and Eva and April. April asked Duncan and Eva if they wanted to sit in the back seat together while she rode in the front. They both stared at each other nervously for a long time, until April said, "All right. I'll sit in the back with Eva." Both Duncan and Eva looked relieved.

    Duncan and April are talking about a poem for Kimmi and the Sister who sensors her mail. I am trying to think up a rhyme for Immaculate Conception.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:14 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Agitate perception might work. I better concentrate on driving.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 10:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    anne nichols has left. rebeccah iz gonna crash. she sez sumthin’ ‘bout b-ing felt up by electrified rodents & gigli n 1 nite, makes u sleepy. u wud hafta b sleepy 2 sleep thru the noise thorvald & thora r makin’. the dogz seem 2 feel sleepy the same az rebeccah. course i think they were shocked a lot more tymez than rebeccah. their fur smellz a little singed. we put a big cardboard patch ovah the window the dogz broke n & cleaned up the glass. i am gonna hafta do a lotta wire replacement 4 rebeccah’z equipment. she can’t play the ditherz gig 2morrow w/it in this shape. she sed, “omg. the ditherz gig. i 4got ‘bout it. i’m gonna needta sleep sum othah place than here, if i’m gonna get ne rest. i wondah if there’s ne1 who mite wanna let me crash @their house?” i am tryin’ 2 think of sum1.

     

  • At 10:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah haz gud ideaz. b-sides my toolz 4 fixin' wirez r all ovah there neway.

     

  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    I had to drop off Ava(Eva) first. She was driving me crazy with her indecision. Back at Becky’s house, there is a note saying she is spending the night at Jeremy’s place so she can get some sleep. Thorvald and Thora are still going strong. I can’t sleep through that. I guess I will lift weights until they tire out.

    Howard K.

     

  • At 11:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april,

    mom iz ticking me off. rebeccah iz not gonna sleep gud on the pull-out. plus i hafta 2 work n the basement 2 repair the equipment wirez, where my toolz r. i sed 2 mom, "lock me n basement, but let rebeccah sleep n my bed. she needz the rest & i need the basement to repair theze wirez." mom sed, "electrified rodents?" i sed, "yeah." a little shiver went up mom'z spine. so she agreed. rebeccah iz sleepin' n my bed. mom locked the basement door & put a chair under the handle.

    i get the last laff tho. my bed iz gonna smell like rebeccah. neway, gotta get theze wirez fixed.

     

  • At 11:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah,

    kisses frum rebeccah. i luv thoze. it will nspire me 2 do xxcellent wire repair work, just thinkin' 'bout them.

     

  • At 12:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    cold water. cold water. i need sum cold water. where'z that basement sink?

    i dunno if u meant knitting, but my dirty mind wuz thinkin' of othah thingz.

     

  • At 12:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    cold water. cold water. i need sum more cold water.

     

  • At 1:22 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, ok. ru doin' ur nailz or sumthin'? cuz my dirty mind iz havin' a big battle w/my "ew!! not my mom!!" mind.

     

  • At 2:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, ur tricky. my dirty mind iz still workin' wen i think 'bout u, but it iz a lot bettah w/o the "ew!!" factor. i'm finishing up ur wires now. i'll cu 2morrow.

     

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