Beatrice = Long-lost fam?
Gotta make this 1 a quickie. . . .
Yesterday @ Lilliput's, Mom was sitting @ her computer , staring like a mental case, when Moira & Beatrice came up 2 her, & Moira sed, "Elly, Beatrice & I think U shd take sum time off." Mom was all, "I took time off @ Xmas." Moira was like, "It wasn't enuf." Ooooh, BURN! Mom went, "Moira, I....I'm starting 2 have second thots abt the bookstore." Moira asked, "What do U mean '2nd thots'?" & Bea was all, "How abt filling us in on the first ones!" Ooh, Patterson-style comedy. Is she a long-lost relly? Or has Mom just been a v. bad influence?
Well, that's all I've got 4 the mo. I'm guessing peeps'll B writing in 2 tell me they heard other ppl having, like, almost the xact same convo, but slightly diff, eh? Curious how that keeps happening. . . .
Apes
Yesterday @ Lilliput's, Mom was sitting @ her computer , staring like a mental case, when Moira & Beatrice came up 2 her, & Moira sed, "Elly, Beatrice & I think U shd take sum time off." Mom was all, "I took time off @ Xmas." Moira was like, "It wasn't enuf." Ooooh, BURN! Mom went, "Moira, I....I'm starting 2 have second thots abt the bookstore." Moira asked, "What do U mean '2nd thots'?" & Bea was all, "How abt filling us in on the first ones!" Ooh, Patterson-style comedy. Is she a long-lost relly? Or has Mom just been a v. bad influence?
Well, that's all I've got 4 the mo. I'm guessing peeps'll B writing in 2 tell me they heard other ppl having, like, almost the xact same convo, but slightly diff, eh? Curious how that keeps happening. . . .
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:34 AM
8 Comments:
At 10:33 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh, man. I was going 2 post last nite but aft I read abt Beckers locket I got so bummed I went 2 bed an' listened 2 purpl lips til I fell asleep. Mayb if Id got Beckers sum jewels shed still b my sorta gf.
So my lawyer says the Crowns a ***** an' wont drop the charges. Now Ive got a pretrial on Feb 28 so my lawyer an' Mr ***** can talk 2 the judge an' mayb the judge will persuade Mr ***** 2 drop the charges. Or mayb not. My 'rents were fiting again this am abt the charges an' they didnt notice I didnt get out of bed. Im staying in bed 2day. My mom 4got 2 shut off the stereo b4 she left so Ive got 96.3 all day. I dont care nothing cld make me feel worse.
Oh yeah I got another letter fr Kimmi. It was all blacked out xcept 4 2 lines. 1 said the girls @ the Catholic military reform skool pray 2 St. Joan of Arc during target practice. The other said I shld pray 2 St. Dominic Savio. I dunno who that d00d is but I dont think r church lets me pray 2 Sts NEway.
2morrow. Mayb.
At 11:08 AM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, o, man, i hope that this mr. **** drops thoze chargez!!!
that catholic military reform school soundz like a way weird place, eh?
apes
At 11:45 AM,
howard said…
April,
I had a very strange morning. I was sleeping peacefully, when I heard this sound from outside the house, repeating over and over again. I tossed and turned until I finally got up, put on the Belfrieda Batsize costume and went to see what it was. When I got outside, there was a man standing in the cold and saying the word, “Taxi” repeatedly. I said in my Belfrieda Batsize old lady voice, “What are you doing?” The man turned and said, “Lars is calling a taxi, like Krystle told Lars to do.” I said, “That’s not how you call a taxi. How long have you been out here?” Lars looked at his watch and said, “Lars has been out here 2 hours and 13 minutes.” I said, “Come inside Lars and I will call you a taxi.” Lars came in and I noticed he was not wearing the same shirt he was wearing last night. I said, “Whose shirt is that?” Lars said, “Lars is wearing a shirt Krystle gave Lars. Krystle wanted Lars to ‘hulk out’ to show Lars’ body. It shredded Lars’ shirt.” Lars has a very nice body and while I was staring, he said, “You want Lars to ‘hulk out’ for you?” I said, “That is not necessary.” Lars said, “How about the dancing? Lars is a good dancer.” I said, “Maybe some other time.” Lars said, “You must want the sexing, like Krystle. Lars is well hung.” I said, “That is pretty obvious. Not this time. There are little bits of Krystle still on you.” Lars said, “Yes. Krystle is sloppy with Lars.”
I called the taxi company to have them send a car over. Just as I finished the call, Dr. McCauley walked in the door. He spotted Lars and said, “Mom. What is this lump doing here? And why is he wearing my shirt?” Lars started to say, “Lars is here for the…” But I interrupted him and said, “Vacuuming. Lars is here to help me move some items for vacuuming, which are too heavy for me, sir. And he messed up his own shirt. I let him borrow one of yours. I hope you don’t mind, sir.” Dr. McCauley said, “You are going to wash it before I wear it, aren’t you mom?” I said, “Certainly, sir. Come and help me move the china cabinet, Lars.” So Lars and I moved the china cabinet. Dr. McCauley said, “I never realized you were so strong, mom.” Lars said, “That is nothing. Lars’ grandmother can benchpress more than Lars can. This woman is a girly girl compared to Lars’ grandmother.”
Dr. McCauley motioned me into the kitchen and said, “Do you have a clean shirt for me, mom?” I said, “Certainly, sir.” I got the shirt and while Dr. McCauley was changing, I noticed something. I said, “Pardon me, sir. You have scratches on your back.” Dr. McCauley said, “Dammit. I told Jackie not to do that.” I said, “Sir. Language, sir.” Dr. McCauley said, “Oh sorry mom, I forgot. And you didn’t hear that name, right mom?” I said, “What name is that sir?” Dr. McCauley said, “I knew I could count on you, mom.” I looked at the shirt and said, “This is a different lipstick from last night, sir. It is much more difficult to clean. Would you please ask the young lady to use the same lipstick she used yesterday?” Dr. McCauley said, “Oh, mom. I hate to disappoint you, but it is not the same lady as yesterday.” I said, “Goodness, sir.” Dr. McCauley said, “Oh don’t be mad at me mom. I can’t help it if you raised a son so irresistible to women.” I said, “It’s none of my business, sir. I can handle the lipstick stain. Don’t worry yourself.” Dr. McCauley said, “You’re the best, mom.” Dr. McCauley went to his bedroom and Lars left when the taxi came and since I was up, I started breakfast.
At breakfast, Krystle (Becky’s mother) was in a pretty good mood. Dr. McCauley said, “Mom. I just love the way you have improved in the kitchen. These eggs are better than you have ever done before.” I said, “Thank you, sir.” Krystle said, “These eggs are pretty good. The way they are scrambled seems familiar to me, for some reason. Mrs. Batsize, I would like you to clean out the attic today.” Dr. McCauley said, “The attic! It is barely more than a crawlspace and I think something is living up there. I hear things crawling around in the middle of the night. We should bring in a professional exterminator.” Becky said, “I wouldn’t go up there, unless I was packing heat.” Krystle said, “Ted, if we had hired Lars the bodybuilder to be our maid, then he could have done it.” Dr. McCauley said, “I thought you already hired Lars. I saw him here this morning helping mom move some things.” Krystle said, “What?” I said, “Yes, ma’am. Lars was kind enough to help me move a few things for the cleaning. They were a little too heavy for me.” Krystle hissed, “Mrs. Batsize. May I have a word alone with you?” I said, “Certainly, ma’am.” We went into another room and Krystle said, “I am onto you old woman. You are not to be messing around with the man I am messing around with. If you want to do any messing around, you need to find your own bodybuilder to mess around with. I am not messing around with you. Understand?” I said, “Actually, no, ma’am.” Dr. McCauley stuck his head in the door and said, “Mom. Krystle. Is there any problem?” I said, “Mrs. McGuire was giving me instruction on cleaning up messes.” Dr. McCauley said, “Mom. You are perfect just the way you are. If you had seen Krystle’s old house, you would know housework is the furthest thing from her mind.” Krystle got angry and stormed off. Dr. McCauley said, “I am going to work now. Can I get my good-bye kiss, mom?” I said, “I don’t think it would be appropriate, sir. Think of the young miss. What if she were to get the wrong idea?” Dr. McCauley said, “Young miss? Oh, Becky.” Becky said, “You’re not going to mack on the old lady are you Ted?” Ted said, “It was just a nice motherly kiss. Oh, very well. I am leaving for work.” Then he stormed off. Krystle returned and said, “I am going to work now. Wait a minute. Becky, where did you get that locket? Did Mrs. Batsize give it to you?” Becky said, “I got it from Jeremy. Why would Mrs. Batsize give me a locket?” Krystle said, “Never mind that. What did I tell you about accepting expensive jewelry from boys?” Becky said, “Make sure it’s real before you put it on.” Krystle said, “That’s my girl. Let’s go to school.” So, Krystle took Becky to school and I went to work.
That was my morning. Strange, eh?
Howard K.
At 2:10 PM,
howard said…
April,
Your mother came into the hair salon very upset. She said, “I need one of those things you do with the hair, Howard.” So I starting shampooing her hair and your mother said to me, “Howard. Would you ever tell your boss to take time off?” I said, “Let me think. Why would that ever happen? If my boss was endangering herself or others, maybe I would say that.” Your mother said, “Do you think biting a telephone directory is endangering yourself or others?” I said, “Well, it is clearly endangering the telephone directory. But no, I don’t see it.” Your mother said, “I don’t either. I think that telling your boss something like that is very rude, and I don’t deserve to be talked to like that.” I said, “So, this is you, we are talking about?” Your mother said, “Of course. Oh that’s a good spot. Can you shampoo a little more there?” I said, “I would be glad to.”
Your mother said, “I can’t just confront my employees and tell them they are rude and I certainly did not do that when they said that to me yesterday.” I said, “You’re the boss. Why can’t you confront them?” She said, “Howard. You don’t match rudeness with rudeness. When someone is being rude to you, I am sure you know what to do.” I said, “Respond with kindness and consideration, to show them a better way?” Your mother said, “I guess you don’t know. No. You stay away from them. I have decided that I am going avoid being in the bookstore as much as possible. I am going to run the errands. I am going to take the bookkeeping home and work on it late in the evening, instead of doing it on site. Moira and Bea can handle the day to day workings of Lilliputs without me. I will have the freedom during the day to stay away from those rude employees.”
I said, “What about when your child works at the bookstore?” She said, “Child? You mean my grandchildren? I’m crazy about the grandchildren!!! My shop is filled with toys and books for children. I need to get them some books from the store, so I can teach them to read. And dominoes. I can teach them to play dominoes. I guess I will have to go back to the store for that. Good point, Howard.” I said, “No. I mean your child, April.” Your mom said, “April. Yes. I had forgotten about that. I guess I will have to go to the bookstore to take her home at night from work. Another good point, Howard.” I sighed and concentrated on her O. It was much easier to achieve this time. When I was done, I realized everyone in the salon was looking at me with expectation on their faces of another transformation like the last time your mother got her “O,” when she turned into the anti-Elly. I heard an audible groan when your mother spoke of getting a muffin after her hair styling and referred to Marjee as a nice native girl.
Howard K.
At 2:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I am actually getting some time off work on the weekend for a change, and I plan to spend that whole time with your sister in Mtigwaki (Land of Trees). Even though Shiimsa was not excited about my idea of ice-fishing, I think we might be able to talk her into letting your sister and I do our usual cross-country skiing. I plan to woo Shiimsa with yellow roses and of course my discourse on string theory, which always involves a long piece of string for Shiimsa to bat at. Shiimsa really loves playing with string. A few hours of string and roses should put her in a good enough mood for me to ask about the skiing.
Your sister really loves cross-country skiing. She says it is unspeakably romantic, which usually means she doesn’t say much until we get to the corner store and she has hot chocolate. When your sister does talk, she has been speaking more about religion lately. We have had quite a few conversations about things being preordained or the Ojibway beliefs on predestination. I love it that your sister is so deep and insightful.
When you come up in March break, you will love it here. I can’t wait to finally meet you.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 2:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuz walkin’ n the hall @skool 2day & then this mass of blonde hair came my way. it wuz thoze skinny blonde girlz n grade 11. they sed, “jeremy jones. iz becky mcguire doin’ a valentine’z day party?” i sed, “of course.” they sed, “we want 2b nvited.” i sed, “thass not up 2 me. rebeccah playz private partiez.” they sed, “how duz bobby sparkindale get 2 go 2 them?” i sed, “rebeccah haz an arrangement with mr. perspastick 4 yrbook coverage @all her gigz. bobby iz luking 4 sum1 2 cover them w/him 4 yrbook. u cud ask him.” the girls went, “eww! not bobby sparkindale. can’t u get us n? we can help u out w/thingz.” i sed, “like wut?” 1 of the girlz sed, “well, abigail can get u a bettah locker than that beat-up 1 u got. the teacher who duz the locker assignments owez her a favour.” anothah girl sed, “acadia can save u a seat @the grade 11 lunch table w/the cool kidz. her class gets 2 lunch 1st.” anothuh girl sed, “wen u get detention, alyssa can get u the ez assignments, so u don’t hafta do detention w/shannon lake.” the girlz shuddered when shannon’z name wuz mentioned. anothuh girl sed, “ashley can teach u sum makeup tips, so u don’t luk so old. she iz rilly gud w/makeup.” i sed, “thoze r nice thingz ur offering. i will hafta talk 2 rebeccah ‘bout it. which onez of u r abigail, acadia, alyssa & ashley?” the girlz sed, “it shud b obvious. abigail wearz abril perfume. acadia wearz acqua di gio perfume. alyssa wearz allure perfume. ashley wearz asja perfume. the perfumez match our namez. it’s ez 2 tell us apart.” i sed, “that iz a v.v. gud way 2 tell. i will ask rebeccah & i’ll let u know.” of course i have a gud idea alreddy wut rebeccah will say, but it will b fun 2 hear her say it.
At 3:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
yikes, becks, i wonder y yr dad's all in2 the whole "mcguire heir" thing all of a sudden?
jeremy, thoze ph blondez r outta hand, eh? alex, i won't mix u up w/them since u're not blonde & u'd b typing!
howard, v. weird w/m mom. can't blame ppl 4 b-ing disappointed that mom didn't change back in2 "good elly".
apes
At 5:05 PM,
April Patterson said…
true abt yr dad's ideaz. remember when we were 10 & he decided u & he & yr mom shd all learn portuguese? & when we were all, "y portugese?" he was all "porque nao portuguese?" & that lasted like 2dayz, i think?
apes
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