Pacifier
So, last night @ the bookstore, I was chitchatting with Moira. And I said, "Mom flipped out a bit when U guyz ran outta coffee this past Monday, eh?" Moira got this real dark look on her face, then checked over both shoulders B4 she sed, "U don't know the half of it, April!" Then she told me that after she'd sent Bea out 2 buy more coffee, she came back in2 the break rm & found Mom seeming 2 have an all-out panic attack. "I swear 2 God, April, her tongue was hanging out, her eyez bulging, she was leaning on a counter 4 support, & she even had STARS over her head. I told her abt Bea having gone out 4 more & sed, 'We have instant. Do U want me 2 put a kettle on?' Your mother said, 'OK', so I did. Then I discovered that we were also out of milk, so I asked her if Koffee White wd do. She sed, 'Sure.' Once her little cuppa instant Joe was ready 4 her, yr Mom almost tore my arm off 2 get it. She gave it a big 'SNIFFFFFFFF' & an 'AAAHHHHH'. I asked her how she can drink that stuff, & she sed, 'I don't.... It's a pacifier', & then sort of nestled against the cup." Moira got one of those dark, "angry" cloudz over her hed, & she sed, "I worked 4 Lily 4 many, many yrs B4 yr mother came along as an employee. I had a lot of seniority over her! Then she went & bot the place & became my boss. OK, what can U do? But a few yrs later, she started complaining abt what a burden this place is. I M so ready 2 buy it myself, but of course the moment yr mother learned I was ready 2 take over the store & carry on w/out her, she got all pissy abt being needed." Moira shook her hed & went on, "I love this bizness, April. I live & breathe books. I was even willing 2 put up w/yr Dad's idiotic idea 2 add trainz, toys, & hobbiez, as if we cd really spare the shelfspace 4 that nonsense. But now, yr mother is treating Bea & me like her coffee girlz. If she'z that dependent, Y doesn't she load up @ home & then carry a thermos? & check on the break-room stock now & then 2 make sure she's not running out, since she's the 1 who guzzlez it all day long?" I shook my head. "I dunno, Moira, I can't xplain my mom." She nodded, then my Mom waltzed in w/muffin crumbs all down her shirt, so we changed the subj.
NEway, I'm writing this in Notepad cuz Blogger'z down. I'm not sure when it will B available, but when it iz, I'm gonna just post this B4 I read last nite's comments. Then I'll follow up on them w/comments of my own as soon as I can.
Apes
NEway, I'm writing this in Notepad cuz Blogger'z down. I'm not sure when it will B available, but when it iz, I'm gonna just post this B4 I read last nite's comments. Then I'll follow up on them w/comments of my own as soon as I can.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 10:03 AM
15 Comments:
At 10:31 AM,
April Patterson said…
howard, it soundz like u & becks had a v. gd time last nite. & it's so cube that u & dennis r gonna b doing dance competitionz! thanx 4 saying all thoze nice thingz u sed abt me 2 dennis. :)
oh, & sorry abt my gramps & iris being so gropey! old foax!
apes
At 11:16 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, that's so awful! i m sooooo sorry my mom'z gone & made a s00per-major arse of herself, yet again. i think mayB when we grad hi-school, i'll hafta apply 4 a patterson relocation prog. mayB in new zealand or madagascar.
sending gd thots 4 u & the howard interview l8r. . . .
apes
At 12:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m writing this fr. the caf, where i'm sitting w/ger, becks, dunc, eva, alex, & vicki. we're discussing that list of namez becks posted. will post abt that again l8r, after our discussion.
apes
At 1:12 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
It’s been pretty busy at the salon today. This has been my first chance to post.
I completely agree with you about the older lady part. It will be a lot easier to disguise my natural form, if I play old. I worked on the Mrs. Batsize costume last night, sewing padding into a dress I used when playing an older, larger woman in an opera. Also, I created an easy-to-attach costume face and wig. The face part may sound kind of weird, but since I would be living at your place, I would need to be able to get in and out of the costume quickly, in the event your mother came knocking at my door one morning. So, I cannot spend the time it would take to properly apply theatrical makeup. The mask is skin tight (and breathes, don’t worry), so it will react to my regular jaw movement and I can eat in it. I had to do something like this once before (don’t ask why) and I learned a lot about what it takes to have a convincing costume, that you can change into in less than 5 minutes. I think it is ready, but the true test will be when I interview with your mother and Dr. McCauley for the job.
Howard K.
At 1:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, so like i was saying, we discussed becky's list of suggested new last namez she got fr. recent cnn headlinez:
april smallfish--eva sez, "interesting. in a bad way."
april hamaswins--dunc sez, "wrong political message."
april sournote--ger sez, "no, all wrong 4 my sweetnote april may-rion flower". dunc sez, "also, bad message if u decide 2 pursue a music career."
april healthczar--ger sez, "remindz me 2 much of my mom."
april moneytrail--dunc sez, "prolly get luggy on yr tail."
april drugtab--same as above
april slideandglide--ger sez, "2 arousing."
april hottesthunk--same as above
april sleepmyth--alex sez it makes her sleepy. vicks agreez.
april bouncingmouse--ger sez, "2 arousing."
april aftertheft--dunc sez, "luggy threat."
april newegg--eva sez, "2 culinary."
april priestkiller--dunc sez, "definite luggy threat."
april cartrunk--dunc: "luggy again!"
april nojailtime--dunc sez this wd totally piss off luggy.
april peopledentists--every1 seemed 2 think this wasn't bad, xcept ppl mite automatically translate this 2 "patterson".
apes
At 1:44 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got an interesting call from my aunt Winnie this morning. As you may recollect, she and my uncle Melville live underneath your brother’s family and they have paper thin walls, so she can hear most everything that goes on in your brother’s apartment. Well, last night, my aunt Winnie heard a conversation that concerned her quite a bit. Since it relates to your brother, I thought you might be interested.
Anyway, my aunt Winnie said, “Howard. I am a little nervous.” I said, “Why are you nervous?” She said, “The little girl upstairs. You know that I have given her coffee before.” I said, “Yes, but usually after she threatened or begged for it.” My aunt Winnnie said, “Well that may get me into trouble.” I said, “Why is that?” She said, “I overheard the mother and father upstairs talking. They were talking about the little girl and coffee, and I think they blame me for it.” I said, “Well tell me what they said, and I will see if I agree.” She related this conversation:
Mother: Michael. I got a report from Merrie’s child care. She assaulted a child care worker who refused to give her coffee.
Father: I have to go into the attic. I have to meet a deadline.
Mother: No. Michael. We have to talk about this.
Father: I have a modern adaptation of “The Tempest” to write. Or is it “Twelfth Night”? Those Shakespeare plays are all alike to me. Can’t it wait?
Mother: This is our daughter I am talking about. She is a coffee addict.
Father: And the problem is?
Mother: She attacked a child care worker who refused to give her coffee.
Father: I am still not seeing it. What’s the problem?
Mother: 3-year-olds should not be addicted to coffee and attacking child care workers.
Father: Oh. If you say so.
Mother: Merrie has always been reaching for our coffee cups and I do find the coffee pot empty every morning. How could this problem have started?
Father: Your mother?
Mother: My mother wouldn’t give Merrie coffee. She might scare Merrie by fighting with the neighbours, but she would not give her coffee.
Father: Your father?
Mother: Dad is too busy watching reality TV to do something like that.
Father: Your friend, Maxine Hebert?
Mother: What?
Father: She does have a French name.
Mother: So does half of Canada.
Father: That does make for a lot of suspects.
Mother: No it’s not Maxine. Don’t be silly. Wait a minute. I remember something now. When Merrie was little and we were at your mother’s house and Merrie started crying, your mother put a cup of coffee by her nose so she could smell it. When I asked her why she did that, she said it was a pacifier and she encouraged Merrie to snuggle with the cup. Maybe that’s where Merrie got her addiction.
Father: Bwa-ha-ha-ha. Hee-hee-hee. Hoo-hoo-hoo. My mother!! That’s a good one, Deanna. My mother!! Hee-hee-hee. I can barely talk, I’m laughing so hard. Snerk-snerk-snerk. Ho-ho-ho.
Mother: I guess that is ridiculous, now I think of it. But who could it be?
Father: The Kelpfroths?
Mother: That’s probably it. The Kelpfroths.
Well, I told my aunt Winnie that I didn’t think there was a real problem, but she should probably stop giving the little girl coffee. So, if you hear anything about this, that is my aunt’s version of the story.
Howard K.
At 2:08 PM,
April Patterson said…
geez, howard, yeah, it's typical mike can't believe our mother can do wrong. but it prolly was all her fault! :(
apes
At 2:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April flower,
I am not sure exactly why you want to change your name and/or disown your family. Every day I wish I had been born into the wonderful Patterson family, except for the fact that you would be my sister and we would have to commit incest. So instead I wish that I had been born as your second cousin or something, so I would still be a Patterson and have (almost certainly wonderful) Patterson parents. Though probably not as wonderful as John and Elly.
Anyway, if you do feel you have to change your name, I want you to pick "April Sweetnote." Then, when we get married, you can change it to "April Sweetnote Forsythe." You can use all three of your names, just like Hillary Rodham Clinton or John Wilkes Booth. I think it would both reflect your personality and your musical talent.
I want you to promise me you will not run away to New Zealand or some other crazy place. I want us to stay right here in Milborough to raise our family. We can let Mike and Dee have your parents' house. I don't mean to insult you dear, but that place looks just like a funhouse. We will get a nice place in the nicer part of town. Either on Giltlawn Terrace or on Goldcrest Circle or on Emerald Lawn Court.
Devotedly yours, Gerald
At 2:32 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
What are your costume concerns? I will need to address them before I get to the interview open house. Unfortunately, I will not be there first, as I have to get off work at the salon and then change into the costume. As for the food, if April's mom shows up, I am not counting on that being my supper.
Howard K.
At 2:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, don't worry, ger, it's not like my 'rents wd let me change my name. & i'd totally need their permission, @ least while i'm still a minor. u can call me april sweetnote if u want. i don't think i'll really move so far as new zealand or madagascar. but i think leaving mboro cd b a gd idea. i mean, what if leaving is the key 2 avoiding bad stuff like rapid aging?
apes
At 2:54 PM,
Anne said…
I dunno...April Sweetnote falls flat w/me. It's discordant. *shudder* I never cracked puns like this b4 moving here. Howard wuz having the same trub a few months ago, I know, when he called his bowling aunt "striking."
I've gotta get sum coffee in a few. & I'll drink it, not just press the cup against my face!
Vicks
At 3:00 PM,
Anne said…
I know, Apes! U could adopt a pr0n star name. It'd b a way 2 make a fresh start, if that's what u want. U take the name of ur 1st pet & the street u grew up on, so u'd b "Farley Sharon Park Drive." But then u got bad memoriez of Farley. & the Park Drive part is kinda goofy. So mayb u could b "Dixie Sharon." Sounds snappy, eh?
Vicks
At 4:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, i don't think i wanna name myself after a ratdog w/havarti shits. i'd hafta give this all sum more thot.
apes
At 7:12 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am writing to tell you how my interview went at Becky’s mom, Krystle and Dr. McCauley’s “Interview Open House.” I am actually not quite sure how I came off because my interview was interrupted in the middle by the arrival of your mother.
As you know, I was in my Mrs. Doubtfire style disguise going by the name Mrs. Belfrieda Batsize. I had made up a resume with my custodial work experience. Becky met me a little ways outside her house and confirmed that my disguise was good. Actually I fooled her completely.
I said {Old Lady voice}, “Young lady. What are you doing out here? You’ll catch your death of cold.”
Becky said, “What? I’m waiting for a friend.”
I said, “Having an exposed navel ring in the middle of winter. That doesn’t seem like a very safe thing to do. I think I need to talk to your mother. Where is she?”
Becky said, “What’s it to you? You’re not interviewing for the maid position are you?”
I said, “Why yes I am. They told me when I called I would have to deal with a young whippersnapper, who might get in the way of my cleaning. Well, a few minutes with me and I’ll set you straight.”
Becky said, “Not a chance granny. There’s no way you’ll get hired. I’ll see to that.”
I said {Normal voice}, “Why Becky. I thought you wanted me to be hired.”
Becky said, “Howie? Is that you? How did you make yourself shorter?”
I said, “I bend my knees and I use a truss.”
Well, Becky inspected me and gave her approval and I went into the house followed closely behind by Becky. Inside there were a couple of ladies eating the food that had been laid out as a part of the open house. I presume that they were persons who had interviewed before me. I don’t know anything about them, but maybe Becky does. I walked up to the table where Krystle McGuire and Dr. Ted McCauley were sitting. Dr. McCauley got up and said, “Are you here to interview for the maid position?” I said I was and introduced myself and handed him my resume.
Dr. McCauley said to Krystle, “At last someone from the Royalty of Canadian Society.”
I said, “Oh no, sir. I’m not royalty.”
Krystle said, “She’s too old. How could she keep up with this place?”
Dr. McCauley said, “Mrs. Batsize. Can you cook and clean and sew?”
I said, “Yes sir.”
Krystle said, “How do you feel about running errands?”
I said, “Well, ma’am, I am not as good at running as I used to be, but I could drive.”
Krystle said, “Obviously senile.”
Dr. McCauley said, “Would you have any problem with your employer calling you ‘mom’?”
I said, “No, sir. As long as you don’t use bad language.”
Dr. McCauley said, “How do you feel about lying for your employer?”
I said, “I don’t know, sir. Can you give me an example?”
Dr. McCauley said, “Let’s say that I am on a trip and you know where I am. But there is someone else whom I don’t want to know where I am. Would you be able to tell that someone else you don’t know where I am?”
I said, “It sounds easy enough, sir. It’s just a matter of respecting your privacy. I would have no problem with doing that, sir.”
Krystle said, “You’re going on a trip?”
Dr. McCauley said, “On our honeymoon. I want to make sure that Elly Patterson doesn’t bother us.”
Krystle said, “That makes sense. I wouldn’t want her to bother me everyday asking where her pastries were.”
At the word “pastries,” the door flew open and in walked Elly Patterson. I think Becky wants to tell you what happened next.
Howard K.
At 10:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, that xplainz our evening. dad & i were sittin' in the living room eating pizza, our feet propped up on the coffee table. we were watching trailer park boyz on dvd & laffing our arses off @ how st00pid ricky is, when dad got the call & was all, "gotta go get yr mom." they got back a lil while l8r & mom was lookin' purply & yelling @ my dad 4 not having made ne porterhouse steak. my dad was all, "elly, since when do i ever make porterhouse steak?" & she was like, "then y'd u lie & say u wd?" & he was all, "i didn't." & she spun around 2 me, "then y'd u tell becky that dad was making porterhouse steak?" & i'm all, "wha?" & she's like, "never mind, i don't xpect a truthful response from u neway." then she saw the empty pizza boxes & yelled @ us 4 not saving ne. & dad was all, "elly, we thot u were taking care of yr own dinner at the open house w/free food u sed u were going 2." & she sed, "obviously that was just going 2 b appetizers. how did u get so stewpid neway?"
so, like, sorry abt my mom. again.
apes
p.s. congrats, howard!
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