April's Real Blog: Guilty Face

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Guilty Face

Man, the dogz R really afraid of Mom. & who can blame 'em? Mom was doing her xtra-ugly faced "Sniff?!!" with her big potato nose. Next thing I knew, she was yellin' & sendin' the dogz outside. I don't know Y, but I came over & asked her what happened. She told me Dixie had made a mess on the upstairz carpet. & insteada saying, "Oh, it musta been all that havarti cheese that Gramps slipped her," I asked, "How can U B so sure it was Dixie?" This while Mom was on the ground with her scrub brush and bucket. & Mom sed, "A mother knows a guilty face when she seez 1." She actually peered over the top of her glasses when she sed this. Y does she do this peeps? U either need yr glasses on or U don't. On or off, Mom. Don't peer over.

NEway, the reason I asked insteada sayin' something abt Gramps & the cheese was that yesterday evening, I got a voice mail from Grampers. He begged me not 2 say NEthing 2 Mom abt his Dixie visit. He sed it was an "illicit visit" that Dad helped set up, b-cuz Gramps really missed Dixie & cdn't w8 until his scheduled visit w/Dix & Mom. I told him Mom mite figure it out when Dixie gets the havarti shits, but 4 sum reason, she hasn't.

In other newz, Mom insisted I wear this lime green shirt and bright purply-red pants. She didn't think it was funny when I asked her whether she'd bot it at a clothes store or in the contraceptive aisle @ the pharma. She also sed I had 2 wear my hair in that st00pid propellor bun U R alwayz C-ing me wear when I show up @ school in the morning.

Well, I really, really miss Ger. That hospital's not letting us have NE contact w/ea other. Ger tried 2 call me l8 last nite, but he barely got out, "Hello, my precious April May-ri--" B4 I heard a voice saying, "Gerald, what did we tell U abt that?" & then the phone going ded.

Howard, I M sorry 2 hear abt Everett & Marjee going out on yet another "beard" d8 like that. & Marjee not even saying NEthing abt it B4 hand. Hey, I have an idea. MayB we shd C if we can fix Marjee up w/sum1 nice who'd help her get ovr Maynard AND make her 2 busy 2 B Everett's beard? Hmmm, I wonder if that Elliot Everett guy is str8?

Alex, not cube that Cameron's B-ing rude 2 U! U don't need NE1 B-ing rude like that.

Jeremy, hope yr motor control is back. . . .

I've gotta get outta my house (cuz U know--it's my house & all) so I'm headin' out 2 the mall. NE1 who feels like meeting me, I'll B @ the food court prolly around 11, then hitting the usual storez. U can't miss me in my ugly lime-green shirt. Mom sez she's got peeps all over Mboro keeping an eye out 2 make sure I don't change in2 "those pole-dancer clothes U alien teenangsters like 2 wear".

Apes

22 Comments:

At 10:54 AM, Anonymous said…

april, i dunno if i cud meet u @the mall. wen i came back frum spending the evening @rebeccah's place, my mom looked @me & sed, "u've been spending tyme w/that becky mcguire girl, haven't u?" i sed, "yes, how did u know?" she sed, "a mother knowz a guilty face wen she seez 1." i am not sure if i am grounded or not. howevah, ur mom sayin' the same thing 2u kinda freaks me out. i wondah if there is sum kinda mom group where they share catch phrasez.
At 10:56 AM, Anonymous said…

April (and everyone else), I'm wondering if any of you have experience with first aid?

The reason I'm asking is very embarrassing. I really, really hope you guys can keep this to yourselves. I'm begging.

As you probably know, Paul is here on his weekly visit. We were awakened quite early this morning by the...well, umm...it's a joke you see...it's a play on the words alarm "clock." Anyway, earlier this morning, Paul and I were demonstrating our affection for one another in a physical way. Usually we lock Shiimsa out of the room when we do this, but this morning we forgot she was sleeping in the bed. She sometimes likes to sleep under the covers down by my feet. It's a nice arrangement because my feet stay warm and Shiimsa feels all cozy.

Anyway, Paul and I were...in a passionate embrace...when all of a sudden, Paul started to screech hysterically. He sounded just like Mom when she finds out someone ate the last donut. Then Paul sort of launched out of the bed, and Shiimsa went running out of the room.

It seems that when we were...amorously engaged...Shiimsa saw a certain portion of Paul's anatomy under the covers. And I guess it kind of looked like one of her toys. You know the one I'm talking about, April. Anyway, I guess Shiimsa decided to "play" with it. And you know how rough she sometimes plays.

Now Paul has some very unfortunate lacerations to this private portion of his anatomy. We don't want to take him to the infirmary because it would be just too humiliating. Also, we don't need people gossiping about us. I am the teacher and I need to set a good example for people. They can't know that the teacher has premarital...you know.

I have tried Googling "cat scratch bit e home remedies" but I have found nothing helpful. Candace, maybe you know what to do?

Thanks in advance, Liz
At 10:58 AM, howard said…

April,

I definitely think that Marjee needs to be fixed up with someone nice. However, if she doesn't act as Everett's beard, he will find someone else. This conversation is getting to me. I am going lift some more weights now.

Howard K.
At 11:00 AM, Anonymous said…

Liz--

My recommendation is that you drive Paul to Spruce Narrows so he can get professional medical treatment. Becky is crude but correct. An infection in that area could have CATastrophic consequences! :P

Candace
At 11:05 AM, Anonymous said…

Oh no. No no no no no. We can't go to a professional medical person. No way. If we went to anyone within 200 miles of here, the story would get back to Mtigwaki, and then everyone would know that Paul and I are more than friends.

I think I will just go to the store and pick up some Bactine and gauze bandages.

Liz
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous said…

I am at the "Eats" diner with Everett. Becky asked us to meet her here for brunch. What a nice idea! We just don't do things like this often enough!

Marjee
At 11:31 AM, April Patterson said…

jeremy, yeah, i'll bet our 'rents have mtgs & come up w/these st00pid phrases they all agree 2 use. like how all the 'rents around here were complaining abt their kidz making them old. & now this. they can't even b original abt making us feel bad, eh?

i'm @ the food court now, w/alex, eva, & vicks. alex thot she mighta seen that cameron guy shopping in the "everything 4 a dollar" store, & she sed if he rolls over here, we shd all act like she just sed sumthin' s00per-phunny & we don't notice him cuz we r way 2 bizzy laffin' @ her really, really funny joke.

liz, i think u shd listen 2 candace abt paul. u don't wanna b playin' when it comes 2 his health, eh?

apes
At 11:50 AM, Anonymous said…

Well, I tried using the Bactine. I did what the directions said and squirted a liberal amount on the affected area. Paul shrieked even louder than when the accident happened. And the area is now even redder and more inflamed.

He is now demanding that I take him to the infirmary for treatment. I tried to convince him to go to Spruce Narrows to the clinic there, but he insisted he couldn't make it through the trip.

I am going to take Paul to the doctor, but it's going to ruin my reputation in Mtigwaki! I'm sure they won't be renewing my teaching contract at the end of this year.

Liz
At 1:39 PM, April Patterson said…

chill, liz, it's not like the peeps in mtig didn't already fig out yr lovelife when jesse showed them those naughty posts u & paul were writing in ojibway 4 a while. if that didn't ruin yr rep, this won't either.

apes
At 3:43 PM, Anonymous said…

April, I know you mean well, but you are too young to understand. Or maybe it's because you are not familiar with Mtigwaki. Anyway, this is going to fuel a lot of gossip.

I took Paul to the infirmary. When Vivian saw the injury, she started giggling and making jokes. "Someone must have been a little over-excited!" she said. As she was putting antibacterial ointment on Paul's...parts, she said, "Someone needs a manicure!" I kept trying to tell her that Shiimsa was the culprit, but she would just say, "Right. The cat did it. I'm sure," and then she would wink at me.

After she was finished treating Paul's wounds, and he was getting dressed, she said, "Listen, it's not for me to criticize what two people do in the bedroom, but I think you two need a 'safe word.'" We tried to tell Vivian that we are not doing kinky sex stuff, but she just said, "Save your breath. Vivian knows." Then she said, "I recommend 'ishkode!' That's what Gary and I use, and it works well." Then she winked at me again.

The gossip has already spread around the town. We stopped by the store to get the fixings to make baloney and bannock for an early dinner. I will let Paul tell you what happened while we were there.

Liz
At 4:15 PM, Anonymous said…

Sorry it's taken me so long to post! I must say, I feel lousy because I've been hurting my pal Howard and I never meant to! Yesterday, I didn't say anything to him about being Ev's "beard" for that evening, and this was at Ev's request. He told me I shouldn't "rub it in" that he wasn't taking Howard as his date.

So, Becky told me I have to stop going out with Everett. And I said, "Yeah, of course, if I'm hurting Howard, I can't keep doing this." And Becky asked Everett if he was done thinking yet, and Everett said, "Dude! Don't rush me!" Becky rolled her eyes and shook her head.

So, Everett was staring into space with a blank look on his face. For about five minutes. Then he said, "I should really be talking to Howard about this." Becky and I both nodded. So, he said he was on his way to Howard's place. I guess Howard will probably check in later and tell you all how it went.

Marjee
At 5:51 PM, Anne said…

The mall was lots of fun 2day. Those black cargo pants & 30 Seconds 2 Mars t-shirt were a great buy u got from the Topic, Apes. :-) I'm thinking we can go 2 the Promenade soon if Marjee's headed that way & is OK w/driving us. That way no1 on yr mom's Milborough goon squad can keep tabs on what yr wearing!

Also, smart move 4 sticking w/a decaf iced Machiatto from the Bucks. U were looking like the runaway bride when u first got 2 the mall, like Alex said. That's ok, tho, I got my off-looking days too!

Gordie just IM'd me. He has a new therapist--Dr. Gunther Klebrige-Fingernägel, whom my mom recommended 2 Mrs. D. I dunno why she had a urologist treating him earlier! He's supposed 2 have the credents 2 treat Gordie's injuries, & he prescribed him lots of Vicodin. Mayb he'll feel better sooner.

Vicks
At 8:24 PM, Anonymous said…

April,

Boozhoo (Hello).

I see from reading your sister’s writings she would like me to tell you what happened when we stopped by Goulais Grocery to get the fixings to make baloney and bannock for an early dinner. The dinner was very good. Your sister is a good cook.

Phil Goulais is an older man with a bad black hair piece. As we were walking into the store, he gave us a friendly greeting. He said to me, “I notice that you’re walking a little tender Paul. Did you have an accident?” Your sister said, “Yes, Phil. My cat Shiimsa was sitting in Paul’s lap and got a little too busy with her claws.” Phil goes, “Ooh. Paul. That has to hurt.” I said it did. Phil said, “Are you sure it wasn’t a hiking accident?” Your sister said, “No Phil. It was not hiking. Shiimsa got excited by our Ishkode.” Phil said, “Fire, eh? Cats don’t like the flame. That’s for sure. Now when Gary and Vivian Crane say Ishkode, they mean something entirely different.” Your sister turned several shades of red. Phil said, “My wife and I use the term Debi-giizhig or Sky Reacher. No one has ever figured that out. You might want to try that.” I thanked Phil for his advice.

As we left Goulais Grocery, we ran into Jesse Mukwa’s aunt Margaret. She said, “Elizabeth. Paul. The girls at the nursing station said the two of you had a particularly ballsy hike.” Your sister turned red again and said, “No, Marg. Paul had an accident with Shiimsa. Shiimsa got a little playful with Paul and scratched him in a tender area while we were being Debi-giizhig.” Margaret said, “Debi-giizhig, eh? Cats don’t spend much time looking at the sky. That’s for sure. Now when Phil Goulais and his wife say Debi-giizhig, they mean something entirely different.” Your sister turned a shade of purple this time. Margaret said, “My husband and I use the term bakazhaawe or cleaning fish. No one has ever figured that out. You might want to try that.” We thanked Margaret for her advice.

As we approached your sister’s apartment, we were stopped by Jesse Mukwa. He glared at me and said, “Miss Patterson. Did you and him have a good hike? It looks like he is not very good at hiking. I am a very good hiker, you know.” Your sister looked a little uncomfortable and angry and said, “Jesse. It is none of your business if Constable Wright is a good hiker or not. The constable had a little problem with Shiimsa when we were bakazhaawe.” Jesse said, “bakazhaawe, eh? Cats don’t like it when you clean fish and you don’t share. That’s for sure. Now when my aunt Margaret and my uncle say bakazhaawe, they mean they are having sex.” Your sister turned a little reddish-purple this time. Jesse Mukwa said, “Everyone knows you are having sex. I don’t know why grown-ups have to use different names. We have dogs and cats around. It’s not like I don’t know what it is. Why don’t you just say you’re having sex with Constable Wright, Miss Patterson?” Your sister said, “Jesse that’s not appropriate language to use around your teacher or really anyone.” Jesse said, “Why?” Your sister said, “Because, because…well it’s not. Paul!?” I said, “Jesse. In the old days, the Ojibway women did not have sex before marriage. In the old days, the Ojibway women had to walk behind their husbands when they traveled. It was the Ojibway tradition. We got wiser. No one thinks women should walk behind any more. But, some people still think women should not have sex before marriage. They think if you do, you are not following the Ojibway way, but the way of the whites. Miss Patterson and I disagree with that, but we don’t want to say it specifically to show respect for the people who still believe in the old way. That is why adults use different words. It is for respect. Do you understand?” Jesse said, “Yes. Miigwech (Thank you) for explaining. You use different words to respect the stupid people. Why don’t you use the word giizhig or heaven? I don’t think any other adults are using that word, and I have heard them all.” We thanked Jesse for his advice. He is wise for his age.

I have to leave tomorrow to go back to Otter County. Your sister promises me a heavenly departure, which she says will be Shiimsa-free.

Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:00 PM, April Patterson said…

liz, paul, wow. how embarrassing. is this the "specific sense of humour" the mtighooeys have? yikes.

apes
At 9:00 PM, howard said…

April,

This has been a traumatic day. Dr. Everett Callahan showed up at my apartment and he was very upset.

I said, “What’s up Everett?” He said, “Dude. I thought that Becky chick was cube, but she is totally uncube. She is like the opposite of cube. She is like in-your-face uncube-alicious.” I said, “What did Becky do?” Everett said, “She called Marjee Mahaha and me over to the Eats Diner, I thought it was to have a totally great lunch with 3 cube people together. Then, she was all over me for not coming out of the closet, man. She said I was hurting your feelings. I’m not hurting your feelings, am I? That is totally not what I am about. Dr. Everett Callahan is all about making people feel better. Does it really bug you I am not out of the closet?” I said, “Well, Becky is right, Everett. I would like us to be a couple, out in the open and not ashamed of what we are.” Everett said, “Whoa dude! You are not coming down on me too, man? I thought you were cube and understood the whole dental profession problem.” I said, “Everett, what would we do in our relationship long term? Could we spend our whole lives living a lie?” Everett said, “Long term? Dude. We just started dating. I know it is legal now, but there is no way you would be my wife. It would like destroy my career, man. In order to be a dentist, you have to have a wife who’s a woman—you know dude. And it has to be some woman totally into the pampered life-- fancy parties, nice clothes, and expensive trips. I am planning to propose to Marjee Mahaha. She is totally hott and at the dental functions, I can see the straight guys staring at her. She would be a perfect dentist’s wife. Your uncube friend Becky was telling me she was the bastard child of a recidivist felon and known for her promiscuity. Now I see she was just saying that so I wouldn’t propose. She thought if she bad-mouthed Marjee in front of her, I would be forced to come out of the closest and marry you. That’s a sick plan, man. Using a 14-year-old girl like that. I thought you were cube dude, cute, good in the sheets, and knew how to be discreet. Now I see the real you and it isn’t pretty. Dude, you are so like uncube. You’re like round, man.” Then Everett left my apartment and slammed the door.

I cried for a long time. Then I ate quite a bit of chocolate. Then I have been slamming the weights. Weights really help. There’s nothing like pain in the muscles to take away pain in your heart.

Howard K.
At 9:33 PM, April Patterson said…

that's terrible, howard! if ne1 is uncube, it's everett! i shd know, cuz becks & i invented "cube"! is there nething i can do 2 help?

apes
At 9:33 PM, Anonymous said…

alexandra, don’t talk 2u ‘bout rebeccah. got it. i can c ur still mad @me 4 ditchin’ u last nite. i don’t know how many timez i can say sorry, but again i’m sorry 4 ditchin’ u & u havin’ 2 spend tyme w/that cameron guy. i know how much u think he iz a jerk.

az 4 wut we did 2gethah, i thot it meant a lot, cuz it meant a lot 2 me, but wen u broke up w/me, i learned diffrent. ur a gud teacher. it wuz a lesson i’ll nevah 4get.
At 9:37 PM, howard said…

April,

Help? You could come over and spot me on my bench pressing. Oh, and if you brought some chocolate and a favourite happy film that would be good. I ate all the chocolate in my apartment. But, really spotting me on the bench pressing would be best. I can only lift so much safely without being spotted.

Howard K.
At 9:44 PM, Anonymous said…

april, wut’s up w/alexandra? did sumthin’ happen @the food court or the dollar store or the promenade w/u guyz 2day? i thot alexandra wuz cube w/me b-ing friends w/benefits w/rebeccah. most girlz ic wen they break up w/guyz, r usually happy the guy iz w/sum1 else, cuz then they don’t hafta worry ‘bout him stalkin’ her or callin’ her bad namez & stuff. wen alexandra asked me ovah 4 hockey & i sed rebeccah mite come, i thot she wuz totally cube w/that. do u know wut’s up? am i missing sumthin'?
At 9:50 PM, Anonymous said…

Oh, hey, April and her friends, especially Alex Love. It was amusing running into you at the mall. When I saw Alex sitting with some friends in the food court, I saw her look at me for a second and then start laughing. The other girls looked confused for a second, but then they saw me and joined in. I rolled on over and asked what was so funny. April said, "Oh, it's Alex. She said the funniest thing." And I asked, "What was it about?" April said, "Guilty looks", Eva said, "Math", Vicki said, "roller skates", and Alex said, "Hockey"! I said, "Wow, it's amazing Alex could tell a funny story with guilty looks, math, roller skates and hockey in it." And Alex said, "What? Why? Jerk!" Next thing I knew, she was telling me to get lost. Man, that girl just kills me!

Cameron, Alex's "Jerk"
At 11:28 PM, Anonymous said…

cameron, guilty looks, math, roller sk8es & hockey. i know this 1.

a hockey player & a math teacher go n2 a bar. there iz a pretty girl alreddy there. the hockey player sez 2 the math teacher, “i’ll bet u that i can get that girl 2 leave this bar w/me.” the math teacher sez, “i’ll bet u that i can get that girl 2 leave this bar w/me.” they agree 2 the bet & the hockey player triez 1st. he walks ovah 2 the girl & sez, “hi. i play hockey 4 a living & i wud like 2 check ur body.” the girl groaned & sed, “i don’t dig ice sk8es. i like roller sk8es.” the hockey player gave the girl a guilty look & went back. so, the math teacher tried. he went ovah 2 the girl & sed, “i think ur a complex number.” the girl sed, “what do u mean?” the math teacher sed, “a complex number iz a pair of 2 numberz. 1 iz real & 1 iz imaginary. u luk so good, u can’t b real. u must b my imagination.” the girl sed, “i’m real all rite, lemme give u my number.” the girl leaves w/the math teacher. the hockey player asks the bartender, “how did i get beat out by a math teacher?” the bartender sed, “the math teacher had the girl’s number, when ur number wuz up.”

i think that wuz the joke alexandra told me, so u hafta bother her by askin’ her nemore.
At 1:03 AM, howard said…

April,

Thanks for coming over and spotting me on the bench presses. Also thanks for loaning me that video to watch. And about the chocolate, I completely understand why you have no chocolate in your house.

Howard K.

April's Real Blog

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Guilty Face

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