Mike yells, "QUIET!"
So I guess I'll prolly have more 2 share 2morrow.'April'!
Let's see how much more of my 'story' I can share with you before I get 'interrupted' again.
My 'Dad' went down & told my mom, "Mira, come upstairs." And 'Mom' replied, "Not until he agrees to stop banging on our floor!" Hmm, "our floor"? Since when does Mom live with us? Anyway, Mr. Kelpfroth then said, "You want quiet from down here, then I want quiet from up there!" Just then, Michael, who'd managed to tear himself away from that 'attic' of his, jumped in, yelling, "QUIET!" Then, he said, "Please. Let it go. We share this house, so we have to get along. ....Let's all just get back to what we were doing." Mom and Mr. Kelp 'took' this to mean go back to 'bickering', because that's what they had been doing just before.
'April', I'm starting to think we should have sat down and had a 'talk' with our neighbours ages ago. So, anyway, Mom and Mr. Kelp were going 'at' it, and--
Oh, gashdarnit, what is it now Michael?! More later, 'April'!
'Dee'
Man, I cdn't believe the mess Ger made in our bathroom after he had dinner here last night. I--I just can't talk abt it. Ger sez he's sorry & he's prolly lactose-intolerant.
Howard, thank U sooooooooo much 4 that faboo dinner last nite! The food was delish & it was such fun having an elegant evening w/U & Becks. Like Howard sed, I do have another story abt Sophia, Carleen, & Weed, but I'll hafta save it 4 l8r. Mom kept me outta school 2 help out @ the bookstore w/the big James Frey crisis. Mom sez she really xpects all heck 2 break loose this afternoon, so I prolly will not B able 2 post much during that time.
I M really sick abt what Ger learned abt Mom & Dad's "Happily Ever After" plan. Dunc, can U believe they wanna get yr mom 2 help ship me off 2 Barbados 4 gradez 11 & 12? Do U think yr 'rents will wanna send U, 2? & then there's all the murder & mayhem in their planz. My 'rents hafta B stopped!
Becks, I hope that dinner goez well. Let us know, K?
Jeremy, Alex, I M sorry abt what U're both going thru. :(
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 9:43 AM
27 Comments:
At 11:52 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, rebeccah seemed 2b pretty happy wen i gave her coffee this morning. i asked her if she wunted 2 watch hockey & study w/me 2nite, but she sed she had sum dinner w/her mom & creepy mccauley she hadta do. i sed, “mebbe aftah the dinner?” she sed, “i’m not rilly n2 hockey. wut else do u wanna do?” i sed, “i cud rub ur feet while we watch lost & u make comments ‘bout ana lucia’s vagina.” rebeccah sed, “feet rubbin’ soundz gud 2 me. skip the othah part. this coffee iz gud. i am gonna hafta thank alexandra 4 training u so well.”
At 12:09 PM,
howard said…
April,
There were some interesting colours on the “Quiet” demonstrating what your brother said during that fight between his mother-in-law and my uncle Melville, you talked about in your Blog entry. I asked my aunt about the “Quiet” and she said it was quite loud. She said, “You know the old Disney picture, ‘The Aristocats’ where the little mouse yells ‘Quiet’ while the cats are fighting the butler, so he can hear the tumblers on a lock to unlock it, and then after he has unlocked it, the cats start fighting again?” I said, “You’ve been watching Disney animated features?” She said, “I have nephews and nieces you know.” I said, “I know.” She said, “Well, anyway, it was exactly like that scene except the difference was that the little mouse actually accomplished something.” I said, “OK. Just like ‘The Aristocats’ but not as good.” My aunt said, “That’s right. Well Melville said that with him and Mike there, there was a whole lot of morphing going on.” As you may recollect, my uncle Melville is a metamorph and can change his appearance, just like your brother. My aunt said, “Yes, after the ‘Quiet’ and he and the female in-law started back at it, Melville said he saw both the upstairs male neighbour and the male in-law shrink. You know they say that women marry men like their father, so maybe the female upstairs neighbour married her husband because he can shrink like her dad. Does that make sense?” I said, “It’s hardly a reason for marriage.” My aunt said, “That’s true. Although Melville’s morphing abilities can be pretty handy in the bedroom.” I said, “Aunt Winnie. I don’t want to hear that. Hanging up now.” She said, “Well, it’s your fault for calling up every day and asking for details about a fight that was over days ago and where nothing happened except some yelling.”
Anyway, that’s what she said, if it is of any interest to you. I am at the hair salon now and Marjee Mahaha is quizzing me on lawyer terms in between customers, so I will be prepared for tonight’s dinner at Becky’s.
Howard K.
At 1:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I see from reading the writings that your friend Duncan Anderson did not have any real trouble in Shelbyville. It appears he was paranoid he was going to be murdered and instead was forced to do a traffic study at the Shelbyville Credit Union. There are some similarities between those 2 things, but traffic studies are not against the law, at least not yet.
I had a domestic disturbance call that was like what you have written from your sister-in-law. When my partner and I arrived at the scene, there was an older heavy-set lady and a man dressed in an old t-shirt yelling at each other, with other people standing around watching them. When the lady saw us she said, “See! The police are here. I told you I would call them!” I said, “What is the problem here?” The lady and the man started yelling at once. I said, “Quiet!” My partner and I got between them and my partner talked to the lady while I talked to the man.
He said, “My wife and I live by ourselves. The family upstairs from us has kids. They know that we don’t like noise, so when the kids get too loud we let them know by hitting the ceiling with a broom. Usually after that they quiet down. It’s a good arrangement. But tonight, their in-laws are visiting and she comes down to our apartment and gets in my face for using the broom. Even though her daughter tried to stop her, she just wouldn’t let it go. She said wouldn’t leave until I agreed to stop banging on their floor!” I said, “You mean her daughter’s floor.” He said, “That’s right.” I said, “So, is there some reason you can’t just say you’ll stop banging to make the lady happy? She doesn’t actually live here, if I understand you correctly. Then when she is gone, you can go back to your normal arrangement with your upstairs neighbour.” He said, “I never thought of that. That makes sense.”
My partner and I got the man and lady to talk to each other. The man apologized and said he would stop banging, and the lady went back upstairs with her family. One of the nice things about being in the Ontario Provincial Police is that the presence of a police officer can cause people to think more sensibly about their situation. Sometimes arguments over the pettiest things can escalate into much worse things.
I will see your sister in a few days during my next time off from work. When I last spoke to her, she said for me to give you her love. Shiimsa told me the same thing. She is such a sweet cat. Shiimsa, that is.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 1:27 PM,
howard said…
Alexandra,
I do talk to my aunt about different things. Not dates or who she is seeing, since she is happily married. She likes to talk about my dates and who I am seeing though. I only report to April on this Blog the parts of the conversation that may be interesting to April, usually things that relate to her relatives that live upstairs from my aunt.
I am sorry you are feeling poorly after your break-up. If it makes you feel any better, I think it was the right thing to do and you were brave do it, since Jeremy has been especially thick-headed lately.
I hope you feel better soon,
Howard K.
At 5:34 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i got outa skool & decided i needed 2 talk 2u ‘bout my situation w/alexandra & rebeccah, cuz u know all about the sitch & r usually a gud lissener. well, i went 2 lilliput’s & it wuz a madhouse. the line of peeps returning that james frey book went all the way down the street. wen i got n2 the shop, i saw u & the 2 othah ladeez n the store tryin’ 2 handle the customerz. there wuz no way i wuz gonna b able 2 get 2u.
so, i decided 2 find ur mom & ask wen ur shift wuz ovah. i didn’t c ur mom till this lady came outa the basement & ur mom wuz talkin’ 2 her. i tried 2 get 2 ur mom, but she went n2 the basement again. so i stopped the lady 2c if she knew wen ur shift wud b ovah. the lady had short reddish-black hair & glasses. i sed, “xxcuze me. since u work here, do u know wut tyme april patterson will b getting off of her shift?” she sed, “so, u know april patterson. april iz my favourite person ‘round here. wenever she asks me a question ‘bout my web design, i alwayz answer promptly. u however, r not my favourite, so i may take a little tyme n answering ur question.” i sed, “ok. how long do i hafta w8?” she sed, “that’s anothah question. i will hafta add it to my list.” so she stood there & i w8ed awhile, kind thumbin’ thru books, wen she sed, “the answer 2 ur 1st question is ‘april works aftah skool ‘till the store closes.’” i sed, “thanx” & started 2 leave. then the lady sed, “ren’t u gonna w8 4 the answer 2 ur 2nd question?” i sed, “i kinda figured it out frum wen u answered my 1st question. it’s ‘bout 15 minutes.” the lady looked a little angry. so i sed, “the answer 2 ur 1st question is ‘no, i’m not gonna w8 4 ur answer 2 my 2nd question.” she looked a lot happier.
so mebbe i can talk 2u wen u get off work, assumin’ this james frey crowd evah diez down.
At 5:41 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I was thinking I could do both disguises. If they discover me as Thorvald and throw me out, then I can change to the businesswoman and try again. I worked on my Thorvald disguise enough last night, so I think I could possibly fool you. And of course, a generic businesswoman was never a problem for me. I have been practicing with both disguises all day at the hair salon in between shamp-0hs, and I can change from one to the other in 47.2 seconds. I will come to your place in my Thorvald outfit so you can check to see if there are any obvious flaws. Just to let you know, Marjee dyed my hair blonde and styled it like Thorvald’s for the occasion and I think it looks pretty good. Maybe I will keep it that way.
Howard K.
At 6:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
I must say we did a spectacular job on your hair colour and style. Becky, I really do think I could mistake Howard for BDT, at least at first glance. Long enough to get him in. Good luck with your evening!
Marjee
At 6:10 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, u met steph the web designer. mom had her in the store in case she (mom) decided she wanted steph to post a disclaimer about james frey or oprah on the store webpage. she pretty much had steph on standby all day, much 2 steph's annoyance.
oh, man, it was such a madhouse there! mom actually put up a sign: "don't blame elly! blame oprah!" can u believe it? & oprah's people are threatening to get a restraining order against her. james frey's people are doing the same. my mom keeps trying to call them, even tho the lawyers want her to let them handle all that.
eva, i haven't been getting e-mails from shannon @ all l8ly. last time i talked 2 her, she sed she was really busy w/photography & practicing aquatics 4 the special olympics.
sophia story a bit l8r, peeps. i'm exhausted!
apes
At 6:13 PM,
howard said…
Marjee,
Thanks ever so much for the job on my hair. What do you think? Should I keep it, or do you prefer the red? You know some people have told me that if were to dye my hair black, I would be able to pass as a black man. That might be fun to try someday.
Howard K.
At 6:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wud like 2 talk 2u 'bout stuff like i sed b4, wen u ren't 2 tired 2 lissen. lemme know. i can treat tim hortons or wherevah.
At 6:35 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am at Becky's bungalow now. She checked out my disguises and hated my business woman outfit. She said, “Too low cut and too much chest hair!” I guess it has been awhile since I have been around businesswomen. It’s dinner at 7 in the big house with me in full Thorvald regalia. Wish me luck.
Howard K.
At 6:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m @ horny tim's w/jeremy. i'm afraid i just talked his ear off 4 abt 5 mins str8 abt my st00pid day. but, ready 2 listen now.
gd luck, howard!
apes
At 6:52 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Dont worry Apes yr 'rents cant send u 2 Barbados 4 Grs 11 & 12 'cos they dont have Grs in Barbados they have Forms.
Oh man. I just had an uncube thot. What if r 'rents send us 2 Barbados an' the skool says we hafta start ovah 'cos r skools didnt have Forms. Well b like 30 by the time we grad. I guess we cld quit an' work on the goat farm. Id rather milk goats than do traffic studys neway.
L8r.
At 7:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
i m @ horny tim's w/april. i'm afraid i am just getting reddy 2 talk her ear off abt my st00pid problemz. april knowz & likes both rebeccah & alexandra, so i figgered she cud give me sum gud advice more than ne othah peeps.
my problem iz that rebeccah just kinda came ovah 2 my house last nite & sed that since i wuzn’t w/alexandra, it wuz a sign we were destined 2 b friends w/ benefits 4evah @least until she turned 18 & left mboro or ‘till she hooks up w/a hot upperclassman 2b her official bf & not just a friend w/benefits. i thot that wuz ok last nite. then this morning, i gave rebeccah coffee & she didn’t say thanx or smile @me or rilly acknowledge me @all. then i saw alexandra wearin’ all black under her uni. it started me thinkin’.
i dunno if i am reddy 2b w/sum1 else yet. it may b2 soon aftah alexandra, but i don’t wanna miss a chance w/rebeccah, cuz i have alwayz liked her. but i dunno if rebeccah evn likes me. last tyme we d8ed, i did 1 thing wrong & she kicked me 2 the curb. plus unlike the last tyme we were friends w/benefits, i didn’t hafta worry az much ‘bout othah guyz. now rebeccah iz rilly popular frum doing that radio commercial, i would hafta worry ‘bout every upperclassman that comez ‘round rebeccah, which iz a lot theze dayz. she had d8s w/that university hockey player & that guy jeffo bray came ‘round ovah xmas. i cud have a few d8s w/rebeccah & b dumped again. on the otha hand, rebeccah iz rilly pretty & we have a lot n common w/work & our families & she iz a rilly gud kisser. i dunno how, but she haz mproved since we were friends w/benefits. the benefits r evn bettah.
so i dunno wut 2 do. i hope april can help me, cuz she knows all @rebeccah & wut i had w/alexandra.
At 7:34 PM,
April Patterson said…
i feel like i'm b-ing, like, no help @ all w/jeremy. i'm really just listening a lot & it seemz like the more jeremy talx abt everything, the more he really knowz what he wants deep down, w/out ne1 tellin' him. like, listening 2 yr own heart kinda stuff.
apes
At 7:44 PM,
howard said…
April,
I think the disguise as Thorvald may have worked. Becky’s mom and Dr. McCauley didn’t seem to notice that I am not Thorvald. As we came in the door I said, “Thank you for inviting me to dinner. As Euripides said, 'The gods visit the dinners of the fathers upon the table with their children. Phrixus. Fragment 970.2' Of course as I said that, I tripped on the stairs (Darn elevator shoes. Why does Thorvald have to be so freaking tall?) into the house and fell flat on my face. Becky’s mom seemed amused, but Dr. McCauley looked stern and Becky looked embarrassed. However, despite my mishap, I was still allowed in the door. I took a little washroom break before we sat down to eat in order to post this to you. I am afraid my fall made my beard a little loose. Why didn’t I put the spirit gum in my pocket? Oh well, I will have to soldier on with a slightly loose beard. I hope no one notices.
Oh, now Becky is taking a washroom break. Post to you later.
Howard K.
At 7:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, gives the best advice. she iz rilly b-ing, like, a big help. sum peeps wud just lissen, but she haz told me sum rilly specific thingz 2 do. she’z great.
At 8:21 PM,
howard said…
April,
I’m back in the washroom again. We were eating the soup and my beard got caught in my spoon and fell into the soup. I quickly grabbed it and put it back on my face, but it was dripping so much that I had to think fast or I would be exposed as a fake Thorvald (and who wants that?). So, I thrust my head down into the bowl and started drinking the soup directly from the bowl with my mouth. Everyone at the table was staring at me. Dr. McCauley looked stern. Krystle looked amused. Becky looked embarrassed.
After I finished the soup, I raised my head with soup dripping from my beard and said, as an explanation for my behaviour, “Remember, Lucretius said, ‘What is food to one man may be fierce soup spoons to others. -- De Rectum Natura. iv. 63.7’”. Then I said, “Pardon me. I must wash my beard.” I dashed to the washroom, holding my beard so it would not fall off and also trying not to make a mess with soup drippings on the floor. In the washroom, I washed the soup out of my beard and reattached it to my face with one of my shoelaces. I hope nobody notices.
Oh. Becky is coming to the washroom again.
Howard K.
At 8:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
Howard, Becky, denture cream sounds like a better bet than vaseline, which would just be slidy.
Howard, I think you are much too pale to pass for black. I don't know about you staying blond. I'll have to think about it!
Marjee
At 8:53 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am back in the washroom again. Since I am using my shoelace from one of my shoes to hold my beard in place, that particular elevator shoe fell off. Becky said, “We need to get down to business soon because you are making a fool of yourself, I mean dad. Now, put that shoe back on.” I said, “It appears to be permanently broken from the fall.” Becky said, “What are we going to do?” I said, “I have an idea. Follow my lead” and I went back into the dining room. I said, “Krystle, baby. There’s something I have always been meaning to tell you. One of my legs is longer than the other. I have been keeping that a secret from you for too long. It’s time for me to finally tell the truth. Sorry, baby. As Hippocrates said, 'The soul is the same in all living creatures, even if their leg lengths are different.' Krystle was beside herself with laughter. Dr. McCauley looked stern. Becky looked embarrassed and said, “Dad. I don’t think we had a long enough talk” and she motioned me back to the washroom. I am posting this as Becky lectures me.
Howard K.
At 9:47 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am back in the washroom again. A lot happened, so I may not have time to post it all or it will be suspicious that I am taking so long.
Becky returned from the bathroom and said, "Why can’t I write my own music?”
Dr. McCauley said, “Becky, honey. This is a multimillion dollar company. You have the look they want. They’re not going to take the chance your music will sell. They know the formula for creating a hit. Look at the top girl acts today. Those girls are not songwriters. Maybe someday they will be. But for right now, they have the clothes, the cars, the cute boys. Don’t you want that honey?”
Becky said, “Dr. Ted. Stop calling me honey. It’s creeping me out.”
Krystle said, “Becky. There’s no reason to be short with Ted. This is a great offer. Don’t you agree Thorvald?”
I said, “When does Becky get creative control? As Hippocrates said, 'Art is long, life is short. From the Latin Arse are longa, vita breastis.'”
Dr. McCauley said, “The contract stipulates that the granting of creative control is determined by her management company. If they feel she is ready, then they can grant it. I am sure you understand Thorvald, why a multimillion dollar company wouldn’t want to place their financial future on the abilities of Becky to produce profitable music.”
I said, “I understand all too well the relationship between music and money. This contract will make her famous, but she will be a puppet of the organization to be cut loose whenever she no longer can sell from having the look. I don’t think this is really Becky’s dream.”
Dr. McCauley said, “Well, let’s just ask Becky that question shall we, Thorvald? Becky, do you want to be rich and famous or to write your own music that nobody will ever hear except at shopping malls and high school auditoriums?”
I’m running out of time. Got to go back.
Howard K.
At 9:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
well, i'm back home. jeremy sez thingz r much more clear 2 him now & i was a big help. i'm not sure how i helped, but if i did, then i'm glad i cd.
becks, mayB u need 2 talk 2 a real lawyer? cd yr dad (yr real 1) get u 1?
apes
At 10:09 PM,
howard said…
April
Well, as we were in the middle of the discussion over the contract, Apollo and Zeus came into the room, still wearing their cute, little tuxedoes. Krystle said, “Bad dogs. Go back outside.” So, I thought I could handle them and reached down to lead them out, but there must have been a little too much leftover food in my beard and they jumped me. There was a lot of gnawing and chewing and licking and in a matter of seconds, Apollo and Zeus were looking at me with happy faces and I was completely beardless. I had to think fast. I got up and said, “I have always wanted to be clean-shaven like Julius Caesar. As Julius said, “The dogs came, the dogs saw, the dogs conquered my beard. I think I’ll take them back outside now." Krystle seemed amused. Dr. McCauley looked stern. Becky looked embarrassed.
I am posting this from outside, before I go back in. I hope nobody notices I look a lot like Howard, when I don't have my beard. Maybe my hair will be enough to fool them.
Howard K.
At 10:39 PM,
howard said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At 10:58 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am posting from the bathroom in the bungalow before Becky and I head back to the house for some eavesdropping. My face is really sore now, like the first time I put on a fake beard in the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera and used superglue instead of spirit gum. That was painful. I know Aeschylus said, “God is not averse to deceit in a holy cause. -- Frag. Incert. (II) “ But I wish deceit were a little less painful.
Howard K.
At 11:16 PM,
howard said…
April,
We are in the big house eavesdropping with the intercom system. I said to Becky, “Pliny the Elder said, ‘It is far from easy to determine whether Nature (or in this case Dr. Ted) has proved to be a kind parent or a merciless stepfather. Unnatural History. Book vii. Sect. 1.” Becky said, “You don’t have to do an imitation of my dad any more.” I said, “But I practiced all afternoon. You just can’t turn that stuff off like a light switch. I am a method actor.” Becky said, “Quiet. I want to hear what they say.” We are being quiet now.
Howard K.
At 11:33 PM,
howard said…
April,
It is truly frightening to hear the voice of “she who shall not be named” again even through an intercom picking up her voice from a phone. It is so frightening; I think it even scares the Blogger. I did not like hearing her discuss plots involving my bud, Becky with Dr. McCauley. Having experienced her power first hand, I know I must do what I can to protect Becky, but I also doubt my effectiveness against someone so powerful. Anyway, we heard lots of interesting things, which should be able to help us.
Howard K.
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