Schmedlines!
Ow, my head is still sore fr. being pulled out by the ponytail fr. under that clinic bed. Becks, Howard, & I cdn't believe that place Mrs. F. had checked Ger in2 4 his "xceptional appetite"! I'm so glad we were able 2 break him out. Thanx, U guyz! Becks, wow, I can't believe that convo U heard Dr. Ted having w/"Lynn". That's freekee!
So, I got another e-mail from Dee.
Better go!
Apes
So, I got another e-mail from Dee.
'April'!So, like, Ger is home from school 2day, with a "junkfood hangover". Jeremy & Alex were tellin' Eva abt the fanfic they wrote last nite, 4 that show Lost. Eva sed she went 2 the school basketball game last nite 2 cover it 4 yrbook & it was all "v. v. interesting". I think she's gonna post abt it l8r. Vicks has sum newz abt her coverage of the JV curling team.
I guess you could say I 'caved', but sometimes it's just easier to let Michael 'go' than watch him sulk or, worse, bicker w/my mom.
Dad was watching "Celebrity Food Fight" when 'Mike' got up and said, "Enjoy the show, Wilf. --I gotta go." Just as he got to the attic door, my mother asked, "Working again, Michael? You're not going to stay here and visit with us?" And 'Mike' said, "I'm a writer, Mira. I have deadlines." Mom's 'rejoinder' was, "Deadlines, Schmedlines. Nobody has that much to do! Don't give me that deadlines business!" 'April', your brother actually banged his forehead against the wall when 'Mom' said that! For some reason, I felt this urge to defend 'Michael', maybe because he suddenly looked a bit like that woman 'Kortney' who used to work at your mother's 'store'. And I yelled, "Mom!" Then I gave 'Mike' a kiss on his cheek and said, "Go on, honey. Thanks for spending time with my dad." And 'Michael' had a thought bubble with "My wife is a lifeline!!" While he was thinking this, 'April', he looked as though he was on the verge of 'death'!
Well, so much for my 'spine'!
'Dee'
Better go!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:18 AM
16 Comments:
At 9:27 AM,
April Patterson said…
becks, yeah, it's a good thing u have that intercom thingie! & i m all over playing on the demos. i've actually been practicing my guitar a lot l8ly. mr. bergan, my guitar teacher, is v. proud.
alex, wow, i'm sorry 2 hear abt all thoze mboro symptomz u r having. thanx 4 sharing that story abt yr cuz. mayB if mike hits his hed hard enuf he'll accidentally make himself normal.
apes
At 1:29 PM,
Anne said…
Man oh man, have I got my work cut out 4 me. I know bupkus about curling, so I've got some research 2 do: http://www.curling.ca/
All the same, I showed up @ practice yesterday afternoon w/my digital cam & a notebook, & Coach McAdorie was happy the team was finally going 2 get some yrbook coverage. "JV curling gets no love, man," he said. He's kinda like that Elliot Everett dentist n that he's young & speaks like a surfer.
Mostly I have 2 take the team pics & action shots during the games. This Nikon is sweet, but I wanna see if Mr. Perspastik'll let me use the Canon SLR since it'll get those "money" shots better.
The team's got a busy schedule, so we'll see how many games I can make it 2. They're playing Central Etobicoke HS 2morrow, but the game shouldn't run 2 late. So if NE1 wants 2 join me, lemme know. We can go out 4 pizza afterwards or something. :-)
Vicks
At 2:09 PM,
howard said…
April,
After last night’s events with you, Becky, and Gerald, and the alarming eavesdropping on Dr. McCauley, I thought I had reached my apex of strangeness. Then I got a call from my aunt Winnie that was also quite peculiar.
She was in her apartment, when she heard this banging on the wall. When she opened the door, she saw your brother and your sister-in-law in the hall. They apparently had been arguing about something, but your brother had stopped talking and was banging his head against the wall. Your sister-in-law saw my aunt Winnie looking, got quite embarrassed, and helped her husband up the stairs.
While my aunt Winnie was telling me this story, my uncle Melville interrupted and he said, “That’s nothing. The other day, I overheard a conversation in the hall between their in-laws. You know, the ones you say I channeled when I was watching "Celebrity Food Fight", which is actually a pretty good show. The cream pie fight between Jessica Simpson and Lindsay Lohan was very entertaining and quite stimulating. My aunt told him, “Pervert. Now tell Howard and me about the conversation.” My uncle said, “Well, those in-laws were at some dinner party being held by the Pattersons upstairs. After it was done, the in-laws came downstairs into the hall outside our apartment and I could hear them talking. It went kind of like this:
Female in-law: I am so upset now. I am just beside myself.
Male in-law: Oh the visit wasn’t that bad. I got to spend some time watching TV with my son-in-law and a lot of my favourite programmes were on.
Female in-law: No. No. The head-banging. He was banging his head against the wall when I asked if he was going to spend any time with me.
Male in-law: Well, you two have had your fights.
Female in-law: No. No. The man is mentally unstable. Normal people don’t bang their heads against walls when they are having a conversation with someone. Only people with mental illness. Our daughter has married a man who is mentally disturbed. Did you see the way she kissed him and thanked him for spending time with you and helped him to his feet after he nearly knocked himself unconscious? You could tell she has learned exactly what it takes to calm him down, like this wasn’t the first time. Oh, Wilf. How could this have happened?
Male in-law: You know how it happened. She just got in her mood of doing exactly the opposite of what you want her to do.
Female in-law: You’ve told me that before, but what proof do you have? Deanna doesn’t do everything the opposite of what I do.
Male in-law: At dinner, you’ll have to admit that Deanna said a few strange things.
Female in-law: Well, she did surprise me with her comments a few times.
Male in-law: Surprised? That’s an understatement. After you said you were for peace in the Middle East, and Deanna said that there was nothing the Middle East needed more than a good war. That shocked me.
Female in-law: I will have to admit that after her experience in Honduras, I was quite surprised that Deanna was so vehemently against the hunger relief organization I talked about supporting. I never thought I would hear her say, “Oh, just let them starve.”
Male in-law: And then when you mentioned the cabbage rolls needed less salt, what did she do?
Female in-law: Oh, Wilf. Was that why she emptied the salt shaker on the cabbage rolls? You may be right, but what does this have to do with her marrying that lunatic?
Male in-law: You wanted her to marry Perry, the guy who worked for me. So, she broke the engagement and latched onto the first guy who showed any kind of interest in her, just to spite you.
Female in-law: Oh Wilf. This really could be all my fault. After years of doing everything for my little girl, she has turned so much against me that she would sacrifice her happiness to marry a head-banging loon, just to spite me. What can we do?
Male in-law: I think it’s obvious. Reverse psychology. Whenever we are with Deanna, go out of our way to praise Mike. Say he’s wonderful and that we love the way he dashes into the attic every time we come to visit.
Female in-law: You think that will work?
Male in-law: It’s worth a try.
Female in-law: Well, I can try that. But you know Wilf, it’s hard for me to keep my tongue still when I see poor behaviour.
Male in-law: I know. Believe me, I know.
My uncle Melville said that was all he remembered. Strange isn’t it?
Howard K.
At 2:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
vicki simone, i will hafta c how alexandra feelz 'bout curling 2c if we r gonna join u or not. i will hafta ask her aftah she gets back frum the doctor. i think i may have given her sumthin'. last nite, when we were doin' homework, watchin' hockey, riting fanfic & othah stuff; she started timin' how long we were doin' the othah stuff. then she sed, "i think i have a virus." so, it mite also depend on whether alexandra iz sick or not.
oh, i hope she didn't go 2c creepy mccauley. i 4got 2 ask.
At 2:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I am back in Otter County safely and also back at work. I enjoyed spending a few days with your sister, even though our time was limited. I should tell you, that your sister and I had a short fight.
She called me last evening when I was watching Celebrity Food Fight on the television. It was the Swedish Bikini Team versus the Canadian Bikini Team using chocolate pudding as their weapons. I was a little distracted when I was speaking to your sister, because I love chocolate.
She said, “What are you watching on TV?” So, I told her and she became upset. She said, “I told you that tonight was TV show Pet Pads’ special feature on ‘Cat Tunnels For Your Living Area.’ Host Gaard Swanson doesn’t cover cats very often and I wanted you to take notes for your next gift for Shiimsa.” I apologized and immediately changed the channel, but I could tell your sister was still upset.
So, if she talks to you and does not give me any thanks for spending time with her cat show, that’s the reason why.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 4:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
vicks, unfortunately 2morrow's curling conflicts w/hockey, which i hafta cover. rp boire is challenging r sheisse essen secondary school. but, i hear cindilu sera tonin is having a party @ her house fri nite, so if angelica lasalle's rite abt yrbook kidz having the best parteez that cd b v. sweet!
dee, r u auto-contradicting yr mom? that cd b a bad idea!
apes
At 5:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
Paul, boozhoo!
I'm sorry I was short with you about the TV programmes! It's just that you'd seemed so anxious about pleasing Shiimsa, and the cat programming seemed just the thing for you!
Whew, tough day today. I had the class baking today as a way to combine simple mathematics for the younger kids with some introductory algebra for the older ones, along with home economics and life skills. But wouldn't you know that scamp Jesse couldn't wait for us to bake the cookies. Oh, no, he scarfed down the raw dough. & now he's contracted salmonella from the raw eggs.
I need this like a hole in the head!
Liz
At 5:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
vicki simone, i didn’t realize 2morrow's curling conflicts w/hockey. alexandra will prolly wunt 2b @the hockey & not the curling. no offence. well, actually the way thingz have been goin’ l8ly i prolly needta dubble-check that. personally i wud prefer the hockey, cuz the sheisse essen secondary school haz a gud hockey team. plus they have this cheer that goez, “Unsere Scheiße stinkt nicht” which is kinda cube if u know german.
At 6:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!
There is no need to apologize for the TV programmes. We like the same music, movies and outdoor activities. If I can fall in love with you, I can certainly trust your choice in TV programmes. My only disappointment is not knowing if the Canadian bikini team beat the Swedish bikini team.
I am so sorry that Jesse Mukwa contracted salmonella. Should I try to visit him at the medical center in Spruce Narrows? It’s just a quick drive from Otter County, now. Even going back from Mtigwaki, it was a lot shorter drive than it was before.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Boozhoo, Paul!
It is very kind of you to offer to visit Jesse. But his Aunt Marg feels that a visit from you would reward his misbehaviour and encourage him to escalate it. She insists his convalescence should be rather dull for him.
I checked the listings and discovered that there will be marathons of "Celebrity Food Fight" all weekend, so you should be able to find the episode that you had been viewing.
BTW, April, I've blocked Mike's e-mail address, LOL!
Liz
At 8:16 PM,
howard said…
April,
Everett and I are at the Milborough Little Dinner Theatre seeing a production of a play called, King Larry which is supposed to be a modernized version of King Lear. When Everett asked me to see it, I was worried it might be one of those adaptations your brother did, but the adaptor is listed as Picky Matterson. So I think we are safe.
The main thing I want to tell you about is our wait staff. Their language is a little unusual, and I do not know if it is related to the show or not. They are wearing Old English style outfits, so it may be. The person who took our order and served our food says things like… I’ll just give an example:
Food waiter: What food would thoust likes?
Everett: Dude, I think the appropriate wording is “thou.”
Food waiter: Thou. Schmou. Give me an order.
Me: Well you could be a little less rude.
Food waiter: Rude schmude. My tights itch and I’m in a bad mood. Do you have an order, eh?
Everett: I will have the filet mignon. That’s totally fine food.
Me: That sounds good to me too.
Food waiter: OK. 2 Filet mignons. Got it, mine Lords.
Everett: Dude, I think it’s “milord.”
Food waiter: Milord. Schmilord. I got your order. What more do you want?
Everett: Well, man. You could ask us how we want it cooked.
Food waiter: Cooked. Schmooked. What does it matter? {Evil looks from Everett and me.} All right, don’t get your tights in a bunch. How would like them cooked?
And that was pretty much how it went with that waiter. Then there was the person who served drinks. I’ll give you an example:
Drink waiter: What would you like to drink? I’ll see what’s in the sink.
Everett: Dude, what are saying?
Me: I think he wants our drink order.
Everett: Oh, I get it, man. I’ll have a diet.
Me: That sounds good to me, too.
Drink waiter: I got your diet. I hope you’ll try it.
Everett: Thanks, man.
Me: Thanks. Oh look, the show’s starting.
Drink waiter: Enjoy the show. I gotta go.
Me: What about refills?
So, you can tell the evening has been strange so far. The show is starting, so I’ll post to you later.
Howard K.
At 9:17 PM,
howard said…
April,
King Larry was…um, interesting.
In the first act, the King divides his kingdom between his 2 evil daughters who were renamed from Goneril (wife to The Duke of Albany) to Goneiswilf (wife to The Duke of Watch TV) and Regan (wife to The Duke of Cornwall) to Miragan (Wife to the Duke of Salt Complaining). They pledge their love to the king and swear never to interrupt his writing. Cordelia, the unmarried good daughter, renamed as Cordeanna, pledges only to tell the king the truth. So, she is sent away to the…um kitchen.
Once King Larry has given Goneiswilf half his kingdom, she shirks her obligations to help King Larry’s writing, and makes his life miserable at her castle, by insisting that King Larry watch reality TV shows with her. The shows were: “Royalty Food Fight”, “Extreme Jousting” and “Amazing Blacksmythe Shoppes”. King Larry has no choice but to disown her.
King Larry’s second evil daughter, Miragan, betrays King Larry by denying him access to her castle to do his writing at all. She says, “Writing again, Larry? You’re not going to stay on the castle lawn and visit with us?” King Larry says, “I’m the king. I have the royal privilege of writing.” Miragan says, “Privilege. Schmivilege. Nobody has that many rights! Don’t give me that ‘I’m the king business.’ You’re not staying in my castle.”
In a surprising twist, Cordeanna, the good sister, marries her father and they raise an army against the 2 evil sisters. Cordeanna is captured and hung. Then King Larry carries her lifeless body in crying, “My wife and my daughter was a lifeline.” Then he kills himself by repeatedly striking his head against a wall.
In Everett’s words, “Dude, that play was bogus.” I am not sure if that is good or bad. I know I didn’t get a refill of my diet drink though.
Howard K.
At 9:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
bad, howard, def. bad.
i think it was my bro writing under a fake name, & not even a v. secret 1! look what happs when u switch the p & the m. mm hmm. i guess mike's afraid of another riot like in toronto the nite dunc & his rents went 2 his terrible romy thing.
liz, gd idea blocking mike's addy. was he harassing u?
apes
At 9:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
April, "harassing" doesn't even begin to cover it! Try filling up my inbox EVERY day! Trying to get me to change my mind about the article he wanted to write about my love life.
Liz
At 10:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, i'll b ovah. i wuz gonna watch hockey w/alexandra & study, but she tol' me she had sum kinda virus. watchin' the sopranoz soundz gud. wut do i do 'bout the dogz? they weren't there the last tyme i wuz ovah @ur place.
At 11:17 PM,
howard said…
April,
Picky Matterson becomes Micky Patterson. Interesting. I didn't pick up on that. Well I guess that explains a lot about King Larry.
Everett and I are out dancing right now, and we will have to head in in a little while, because we both have work tomorrow. I called Becky to say if I came over it would be late. She told me Jeremy was coming over to watch her dad's Sopranos DVDs, so I shouldn't feel any rush. I guess I will check with her later to see if she needs me.
Howard K.
Post a Comment
<< Home