Merrie tries to make a trade
Mike an' Dee brought the littles here so's Mike cd take 'em 2 the park 4 snowballs & sledding. Eddie got 2 go along, but not Dee. Dee was all, "You know, Mike, I'd like 2 play w/the 'kids' in the 'snow', 2." & Mike was, like, "Nonsense! U & Mom have catching up 2 do!" & B4 Dee had a chance 2 open the whuparse can, Mom was all grabbing on2 her & leading her 2 the kitchen, all blahblahblah, "Let Mike have his 'Daddy bonding time'." I noticed that Robin has a new, blue snowsuit on. It's pretty nice. But apparently, it didn't help his mood NE.
Keep in mind Robin's only, like 14 months old. So of course he's not gonna have as much fun as his 3yo sister. Duh. When Mike brought them all back from the park, Mom was, like, "Hi there! Did U have fun in the park?" & Mike was all, "3 of us did. Meredith, the dog an' I had a great time--but Robin was miserable." Just then, Robin got this look on his face like "Y U gotta rat me out like that, homes?" & then he started 2 cry. But he stopped a second l8r. & Merrie got this look on her face like she was lookin' @ defective materialz. & she went up 2 Mom, all pushing Robin @ her, & gesturing @ Eddie, asking "Wanna trade?" Mike jerked his head so hard he got motion linez, which also matched the motion lines ovr Robin's head as Merrie yanked him @ Mom. Poor Robin. Every1's always kinda 4getting abt him. I can relate.
Speaking of relating, I found sum old notebooks of Mom's, with essays fr. when she was still tryin' 2 B a writer. These dayz, if U ask her, she's all, like, "Oh, I'm not a writer, but my SON is. Ontario's premier magazine, freelance, blahblah," but when Mom was yung, she wanted 2 B a writer. She majored in English lit @ uni & dropped out 2 marry Dad & support him while he finished dental school. Oh, but I almost 4got what I was about 2 tell U. I found this part where she wrote that Mike was an "accident". Like, her BC failed. Then, she sez, she was all happy abt having a baby an' all. But U know what this meanz, peeps, doncha? Liz is the only 1 of us who wasn't an oops. LOL!
Dunc, I'd luv 2 get 2gether w/U 2day. R U in a Horny Tim's mood, a jamming mood, snowboarding mood, or sumthing else? Oh, man, BTW, I feel 4 U, having 2 look @ the boring vaca pix fr. yr 'rents. My 'rents R alwayz pullin' that when they go away sumwhere.
Apes out
Keep in mind Robin's only, like 14 months old. So of course he's not gonna have as much fun as his 3yo sister. Duh. When Mike brought them all back from the park, Mom was, like, "Hi there! Did U have fun in the park?" & Mike was all, "3 of us did. Meredith, the dog an' I had a great time--but Robin was miserable." Just then, Robin got this look on his face like "Y U gotta rat me out like that, homes?" & then he started 2 cry. But he stopped a second l8r. & Merrie got this look on her face like she was lookin' @ defective materialz. & she went up 2 Mom, all pushing Robin @ her, & gesturing @ Eddie, asking "Wanna trade?" Mike jerked his head so hard he got motion linez, which also matched the motion lines ovr Robin's head as Merrie yanked him @ Mom. Poor Robin. Every1's always kinda 4getting abt him. I can relate.
Speaking of relating, I found sum old notebooks of Mom's, with essays fr. when she was still tryin' 2 B a writer. These dayz, if U ask her, she's all, like, "Oh, I'm not a writer, but my SON is. Ontario's premier magazine, freelance, blahblah," but when Mom was yung, she wanted 2 B a writer. She majored in English lit @ uni & dropped out 2 marry Dad & support him while he finished dental school. Oh, but I almost 4got what I was about 2 tell U. I found this part where she wrote that Mike was an "accident". Like, her BC failed. Then, she sez, she was all happy abt having a baby an' all. But U know what this meanz, peeps, doncha? Liz is the only 1 of us who wasn't an oops. LOL!
Dunc, I'd luv 2 get 2gether w/U 2day. R U in a Horny Tim's mood, a jamming mood, snowboarding mood, or sumthing else? Oh, man, BTW, I feel 4 U, having 2 look @ the boring vaca pix fr. yr 'rents. My 'rents R alwayz pullin' that when they go away sumwhere.
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 9:31 AM
15 Comments:
At 10:22 AM,
Anonymous said…
FWIW, Becky, I don't think you're an evil slut. At all. I think you are a smart and talented girl.
I've never tried to be a maneater. Though I confess I don't always know what I want, and half the time, I can't even explain me to me. I read Howard's comment about me being able to have any man I want. But think about this. I have had some bizarre experiences where a guy is completely into me. Then the moment he leaves town, he calls or e-mails and says, "Thank God the spell is broken! I don't know what I was thinking. I don't even like you, but I was pulled to you like a magnet!"
So yes, I get confused and wonder if a guy really likes me or something else.
Liz
At 11:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
Oops, I'm such an airhead! One thing I forgot to mention yesterday about lunch with Howard was the restaurant we went to. It's a new place around the corner from the salon. Lulu's Tutu! I took him their because it's the new, hot restaurant in town and all the "refugees" from the Mayes restaurant--the people who used to go there because they loved Howard's cooking--are going there now! That was my other reason for taking Howard there. I wanted him to know there's a new, fabulous place to eat! But I forgot to mention this because of all the drama stuff we got into.
Anyway, this place is so cute. And it is so funky, too. The floors are done in these cool mosaics, they have great music playing all the time, beautiful art on the walls. Howard, you so have to take your "Morsel" here for your next date!
Well, got to go. Break's over.
Marjee
At 2:58 PM,
Anonymous said…
Elizabeth,
Kaa-mesnin gwanaaj oshki-ikwe! (I miss you, beautiful one)!
I read your writing where you said you wonder if a guy really likes you or something else. I really like you. I have fallen in love with you. I think of you all the time and it doesn’t matter if you are in Mtigwaki or Milborough or on a long bus ride between Mtigwaki and Milborough. I was still in love with you when you were riding on a helicopter between White River and Toronto, and that was pretty hard. Maybe some of your other suitors are confused, but I am not. I have never been more certain about it, and you know it is true, because I had planned for you to meet my parents. That is something confused suitors do not do. I have no doubts about the way I feel about you. You may be certain of that.
I think by this time, you must be getting close to Mtigwaki. I should let you know that when Shiimsa called this morning and asked when you were getting home (I least I think that is what “Meeroowr?” meant), I told Shiimsa you would be back by this evening. Of course Vivian apologized for Shiimsa getting on the phone and calling so much, but I can understand. I miss you too.
Gawaabmin miinwa (Hope to see you again soon)
Constable Paul Wright
At 3:14 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes! Sorry Im l8. I didnt get 2 bed til 5:30 am an' thats only 'cos my 'rents finally fell asleep looking @ the fotos. An' when I got up that ***** Malkmus was in the kitchen an' I heard him an' my dad talking. My dads all impressed that Mr M got that traffic survey dun and thinks hell be a cube manager sumday. My dad said hed no luck hiring a temp 2 do it 'cos it was 2 boring an' the temps all quit aft a cpl of hours so Mr M must have gr8 ppl skills 2 keep the temp on the job. Yeah rite, dad. What Mr M rilly has is gr8 blackmail skills. I got outta there fast b4 Mr M saw me.
So Im on my way 2 Horny Ts 4 a few XL dbl dbls. C u soon.
At 3:17 PM,
howard said…
April,
I got a call from my aunt and uncle this morning; you know the ones that live underneath your brother and sister-in-law. Apparently this morning, your niece was taking your nephew door-to-door. At my aunt and uncle’s, she knocked at the door and when my aunt answered the door there was your niece holding her brother’s hand. She pointed at her brother and said, “"Wanna trade Robin for a dog?” My aunt said she didn’t have a dog. Then your niece pulled out a coffee cup and said, “Wanna trade Robin for some coffee?” My aunt said no, but gave your niece some coffee anyway. Then she took them back up to their apartment. When your sister-in-law answered the door she looked sleepy. She said, “Sorry only got six hours of sleep last night. The kids were doing what?” Anyway, I think the problem is solved. Your sister-in-law promised she would put a stop to your niece trying to trade your nephew for dogs or coffee.
I thought you might want to know what happened.
Marjee did mention that we went to that new place, Lulu's Tutu for lunch. It’s hard for me not to be critical of other people’s places after having lost mine. It was definitely OK, which is about much praise as I can give for a restaurant these days. Marjee liked it a lot, I think mainly for the décor and music than the food. It was very nice of Marjee to take me though. It is a quiet enough place for conversation, which is good. It is however, quite a bit more expensive than Tim Hortons. You and Gerald would probably enjoy going on a special occasion date there.
In meantime, I have to get mentally prepared for dinner at Candace and Rudy's tonight with Becky. After the last time with C & R...well all I can say is I hope it isn't a complete disaster tonight. A partial disaster would be nice change of pace.
Howard K.
At 3:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i think i remembah c-ing ur bro w/hiz kids & ur dog eddy @the park near ur house. wen i saw them, i wuz lukin’ 4 u, but i didn’t cu. neway, they were throwin’ snowballz 2 eddy so he cud do the catch-&-eat thing. it luked pretty cube. i wondahed where the othah dog wuz. mebbe >1 dog wuz 2 much 4 ur bro. mebbe she wuz bondin’ w/ur mom & ur sis-n-law.
ur nephew, i think wuz not havin’a gud tyme. it luks like he iz just barely walkin’. he wuz kinda wobbly n the snow & every tyme ur bro let him go he wuz close 2 fallin’ down. he did fall enuff tymez he got n2 a pretty bad mood & started cryin’. i kinda felt sorry 4 him. the last tyme i saw him playin’ n the snow ur dad wuz there & he & ur bro built that giant snow fort, which i think finished melting away just last week, wuzn’t it? ur nephew liked that bettah, cuz it gave him sumthin’ 2 hang on 2. neway, i hope ur nephew felt bettah aftah he got home.
do u evah play w/ur nephew outside, or iz it just ur niece u play w/outside? alexandra & i had a little snow fite aftah we watched hockey last nite. it wuz cold, but evn kid’s stuff like makin’ snow angels & stuff iz fun wen ur w/ur gf.
At 5:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
dunc, alex, & i r hangin' out @ horny tim's. we r trading storiez abt bad vacation pix our 'rents have made us look @!
apes
At 8:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, dixie was visiting gramps 2day. i tried 2 play w/merrie & robin out in the snow 1x, but robin was having a bad time, so i comforted him & we went back in2 the house.
apes
At 8:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
I thought the food at Lulu's was to die for, but I know I don't have the sophisticated palate Howard does!
Bad news: Maynard is in prison again! Stupid plot about "remarketing" stolen stereo equipment. Idiot. I think I have to dump him.
Marjee
At 8:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
Boozhoo, Paul! Thank you for your kind posting. I found it very comforting and reassuring.
I am back home now and very tired. I have to admit I don't look forward to school starting up already tomorrow. Traveling is more tiring than it has any right to be.
Shiimsa tells me she enjoyed her telephone conversations with you very much. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with her. You are truly one of a kind!
April, tell our stupid brother I'd be happy to forward him some articles on early childhood development. Or maybe it would be better to forward them to Dee and have her read them to Mike. LOL.
Liz
At 8:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
alex, we shdn't have challenged dunc 2 an espresso-drinking contest. he's like the espresso champion of milborough. mayB even of ontario. i'm still buzzed.
apes
At 9:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, Becky. Candace used to claim that she and Rudy were "social pot smokers" and only smoked an occasional joint at a party. I'm sorry to hear things got out of hand. Are you okay?
Liz
At 9:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, that soundz outta hand. i'm sorry u had 2 go 2 hospital & all. u & howard r all rite now?
guess what? i was going thru sum old foto albumz liz left in her room, with pix of her & her friendz. there were sum pix of candace fr. when they were in hi school & wd u believe she useta b pretty? even when she shaved her head 2 make herself ugly, she looked way better than she does now.
(sorry, candace, if u're reading this.)
apes
At 1:29 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i can't sleep. ever since alexandra haz been readin' that mountie book, she haz been droppin' hints i shud join the rcmp. mebbe she wud be satisfied if i just rented a mountie costume. wadya think?
At 2:51 AM,
howard said…
April,
Becky has made repeated entreaties on your Blog for me to tell the story about what happened at dinner with Candace and Rudy and the unexpected arrival of Candace’s Aunt Ruby that led to their apartment being burned, the arrival of the fire department, and Becky getting treated for smoke inhalation. I was hoping to avoid describing the situation at all because, frankly, my behaviour was very poor during the whole thing. I am deeply ashamed.
The evening started with Becky and I going to Candace and Rudy’s apartment. At the outset I knew things were going to be troublesome. They had gotten dinner from the Wing Machine. In addition they had not purchased anything to drink except wine, which meant Becky was stuck drinking tap water. As we started dinner, Candace said to me, “Howard, you remember that little problem in the proposal we made to you before?” I said, “I seem to remember that you were interested in us have a ménage a trois, but Rudy disagreed.” Candace said, “Shhh. Not in front of Becky.” Candace said, “Howard, we don’t want to be a party to inflicting scars on the sexual psyche of a teenager just like was done to me by my mother’s boyfriend. Please avoid the language.” I said, “What language? All I said was ‘ménage a trois’. Becky’s heard that word before.” Becky piped up and said, “Oh believe me, with my mother, the subject has come up before.”
Then there was a knock at the door. Candace’s Aunt Ruby was there. She said, “Oh is this a private dinner party with Howard? Imagine that. I am sooo surprised to see you dining with him. I wouldn’t want to intrude. You just keep going on, I will sit outside here until you’re done.” Rudy said, “Oh, of course Aunt Ruby. Come right on in and have dinner with us.” Aunt Ruby said, “You are such a sweetie Rudy. When are you going to make Candace into an honest woman?” Rudy said, “We are not planning to marry until we find someone that has all the qualities on our lists for the perfect spouse. But, with Howard here, we may be able to do that.” Aunt Ruby said, “You two are not planning on making Howard your fuck buddy are you?” Becky said, “What did you say? Fuck buddy?” Candace said, “Aunt Ruby. Don’t use that kind of language in front of Becky.” Aunt Ruby said, “I will not. I have to speak my mind to you.” So, Candace let Aunt Ruby in and she started eating chicken wings with us. She was not there for more than a few minutes before she started in on me. She said, “Howard is a convicted felon. He attacked your best friend Elizabeth over the summer. I have found out all sorts of things about your friend Howard since I last met him.” Rudy said, “We know all that Aunt Ruby. It’s just that Candace and I think it is time for us to bond with someone who is a good cook and Candace thinks I should explore doing different things.” Aunt Ruby said, “You mean sexually with Howard don’t you?” Candace said, “Aunt Ruby. Not again. Please not around Becky.” Aunt Ruby continued, “You know Candace, if you and Rudy really want a good cook around, then why didn’t you call me? I cooked and cleaned for you and Liz back in university.” Becky said, “You mean you would want to have sex with Candace and Rudy? That’s pretty kinky for an old lady.” Aunt Ruby said, “Well ever since my ex-husband scumbag Chet left me and took all the money, I have wanted to try new and different things.” Candace said, “That’s enough, Aunt Roo. If you are going to continue talking that way, I am going to have to ask Becky to step into the guest room. The conversation is getting too adult for her ears." Becky said, “Oh I’ve heard worse than this.” Aunt Ruby said, “Oh don’t make Becky go to the guest room. I have brought you some primo weed.” Candace said, “Becky, go to the guest room, right now.” Beck reluctantly went.
So, Candace, Rudy and Ruby starting lighting up. As she handed some over to me I said, “I’m sorry but I am trying to stay away from illegal activities. I have some assault charges hanging over my head,” Aunt Ruby said, “You see. He is such a prude too. You two should definitely pick me.” Rudy said, “I am beginning to think she is right, Candace. This is some fantastic weed and with your aunt, I don’t have to have sex with a man.” Candace said, “Not with a relative Rudy. I told you, only people we don’t know. There is no way we are picking Auntie Roo.”
Then I heard Aunt Ruby say, “Oopsie.” And the drapes were on fire. Candace started screaming at her that she did that on purpose (and I wasn’t entirely certain that this was not the case.). Then the apartment fire alarm went off. Rudy was rushing around to find a fire extinguisher (of which there were none), while I tried to use water from the tap to put out the fire. It was flaming up and I realized that we couldn’t get it under control. We heard the fire engines arriving. So then I suddenly remembered Becky. I tried to get to the guest bedroom, but the flames were too high. Fortunately, the fire department got her out. I was so relieved to see her safe and all right. We traveled in the ambulance and all I could say the whole time to her was, “I’m sorry” over and over again. I almost got my bud killed, because I didn’t think to rescue her in time. Candace and Rudy were OK, but Candace was very put out with Aunt Ruby, who was also uninjured.
I am a scumdog, for ever getting Becky mixed up in such a thing. I can’t believe I wanted to be her parent. She is so much better off living with her mother than with me.
Anyway, April. I am quite distraught over the whole thing. Becky is being very sweet to me about it, but when I think that I could have gotten her killed. There is not a much more contemptible man than I.
Howard K.
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