Yuck, Dad even THINKS in puns.
Mom was bitchin' & moanin' 2 a coupla friendz over coffee abt how she had a "little discussion" w/Dad abt how he folds laundry. Yup, U read that rite. Folds laundry. & her friends were all, "Yr husband does LAUNDRY?!!" So, all of a sudden, Mom kinda appreciates that it's nice that Dad does laundry. But still, she can't stop obsessing abt wanting thingz folded a certain way. So, she was all, "Um... John? I really appreciate it when U do the laundry, and I hate 2 criticize, but..." & Dad was all, "What?" & Mom: "Well, when U fold the towels, I always have 2 refold them." Have 2, Mom? K. Dad: "OK. How wd U like them folded?" & Mom demonstrated her anal-retentive way of folding them so the fit on the towel rack "nicely". & Dad folded 1 her way. & he sed, "OK. Next time I'll do it yr way." Ma was, like, besidez herself: "U're such a sweetheart! I didn't want 2 say NEthing bcuz I thot U'd B mad!!" Dad: "Mad? I'm not mad! Come here." All reaching out his armz for a hug, & Mom all running in2 them, "I luv U, honey!!" & then Dad thinx a st00pid pun. Thot bubble ovr his hed was all "U've gotta know when 2 hold 'em...Know when 2 fold 'em...." But here's what I don't get. Mom & Dad have been married 4, like, evr & she w8ed all that time 2 show Dad the "proper" way 2 fold towelz. So, like, I guess she's been, like, silently resenting Dad 4 misfolding since the stone age. Gah!
Dunc, thanx so much 4 throwing that party last nite. & I'm so glad Howard was like Superman getting all the peeps out & the Malkmuses house all clean by 2:30. What a master! Ger & I had a blast dancing. Thank God he's ovr his whole "ballroom dancing 2 fast songs" hang-up he had @ grad. This time, he saved that for the (few) slow songz Dunc played toward the end. Man, Becks & Howard. U guyz had such a wild ride!
Dee, Liz sez she's game 2 spend sum girl time w/me & U. & Mom sez U R welcome 2 leave Merrie an' Robin here while we 3 go out & have fun. Wanna plan on meeting up here around noon or so?
Alex, Eva, Jeremy. Soundz like yr evening ended up well. Eva, it's nice that U got 2 stay @ Alex's & not get in trub cuz of that grade 12-er spillin' a drink on U.
Oh, BTW Howard, our school doesn't have grade 13 NEmore. They used 2 back when Liz attended. So Jeffo is in his 1st yr @ university. Tho U can't tell by the way he acted while U & Becks danced, LOL!
Apes
Dunc, thanx so much 4 throwing that party last nite. & I'm so glad Howard was like Superman getting all the peeps out & the Malkmuses house all clean by 2:30. What a master! Ger & I had a blast dancing. Thank God he's ovr his whole "ballroom dancing 2 fast songs" hang-up he had @ grad. This time, he saved that for the (few) slow songz Dunc played toward the end. Man, Becks & Howard. U guyz had such a wild ride!
Dee, Liz sez she's game 2 spend sum girl time w/me & U. & Mom sez U R welcome 2 leave Merrie an' Robin here while we 3 go out & have fun. Wanna plan on meeting up here around noon or so?
Alex, Eva, Jeremy. Soundz like yr evening ended up well. Eva, it's nice that U got 2 stay @ Alex's & not get in trub cuz of that grade 12-er spillin' a drink on U.
Oh, BTW Howard, our school doesn't have grade 13 NEmore. They used 2 back when Liz attended. So Jeffo is in his 1st yr @ university. Tho U can't tell by the way he acted while U & Becks danced, LOL!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:55 AM
18 Comments:
At 12:09 PM,
Anne said…
Oh man oh man oh man....I have a major headache & just took 2 Advils. The dry heaves r the worst, tho. MayB my mom'll let me have some soda b4 dinner. Could b worse, tho. @ least I'm not grounded.
Still, last nite was a blast, even tho Gordie got sick. No worries, Alex, he has 2 learn 2 pace himself! I'm so glad me & Alex found that bottle of Resolve & minivac 2 clean up the puke. Duncan was nice enough 2 invite us, & I defintely didn't wanna get him n troub!
It was kind of embarrassing that Gordie had 2 call his mom 2 give us a ride home. & she picked us up n her CrevASSe minivan, which made Gordie's face turn beet red! We brought toothbrushes & toothpaste w/us, so she couldn't smell any booze. Smart thinking, Gordie! By the time we left, @ 1 a.m., every1 was making out, playing a drinking game, or playing games on the PlayStaton2, so they didn't notice us hopping n2 Mrs. D.'s dorkmobile.
I'm gonna sleep n 4 a while. We're having family ovah 4 dinner, I'm so not enthused. Sorry I missed u Becks, & Apes, u looked stylin. :-)
Vicks
At 12:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx, vicks! i liked yr outfit, 2, even tho u felt underdressed. it was a cube combo. we def hafta hit hot topic 2gether sumtime. i need sum edgier loox in my wardrobe.
dee got here abt 15 mins ago. liz is sportin' an audrey hepburn look 2day, all scarf & sunglasses. we r deciding where 2 go. liz sez she wants 2 tell us all the deets abt making mike cry yesterday. can hardly w8!
apes
At 1:47 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man oh man oh man how can I b so stoopid I nevah shld of invited evry1 in the hole skool thanks Howie 4 helping me out. Now I just hafta replace those bottles of vodka an' Bacardi.
L8r.
At 1:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
dee, liz, & i r cruising yonge street. we're gonna shop & eat & shop & eat sum more!
apes
At 2:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, April's friends! Sorry I haven't posted in such a long time. I must admit, that whole thing with the Ojibwe posts Paul and I were doing for a while. . . . Well, I'm blushing just thinking about them. Normally, I like to keep my private life very private. But writing in another language was unusually freeing!
Anyway, I just finished sharing the "deets" about my little, um, visit with Michael dear yesterday. And Dee and April are both saying this is just too good not to share on the blog. So, here goes.
As you probably know, I was very clear with Mike about not wanting him to write a story about my personal relationships. And despite that, he actually contacted both Paul and Warren, grilling them with bizarre questions. And as April told you yesterday, I grabbed the keys to Mom's car and drove out to give Michael a piece of my mind. And then some.
When I first got there, Mike tried to be Mr. Friendly: "Solicitious salutations, oh sisterly sibling!" But I was not having that. "Mike! I told you not to write about my private life! And you're going ahead anyway?!?!" That's when he ran up the stairs to his wussy little hideaway from the wife and kids. Man, he sure does have that place outfitted cushily.
So, once I was up in the attic, I sort of cornered him on his plush little "thinking" Chesterfield. And I said, "Michael Patterson! You are NOT writing that article." And he said, "Unfelicitous Philistines will not fetter this ferocious fellow!" Then I twisted his arm behind his back and pushed his face into the couch until he begged for mercy. I'm afaid I got a little rough and ended up bruising his delicate cheekbones, but I was so angry!
As I was leaving, and Michael was sobbing on the Chesterfield, I grabbed his lappy and said, "I'll return this to you after I do some judicious deleting. And probably backing up. You know, for a little leverage." I winked and was on my way. He said, "Liz, don't you dare read the Star Trek directory! I, um, didn't write that stuff!" LOLOL!
Anyway, Dee and April want to get coffee now. TTYL.
Liz
At 4:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, our eyez were, like, totally poppin' out when liz read us "sister siren seduces scandalously" fr. mike's laptop. she sez she'll post when she gets a chance 2 copy & paste fr. home.
d didn't need that much convincing 2 buy the "naughty" thing, lol!
we r now on our way back home. d & lizzie r singing along w/the radio. it's been a fun day!
apes
At 5:12 PM,
howard said…
April,
My apartment manager was surprisingly sympathetic to the damage that was incurred by the police last night. “Milborough police, feh!” she said. “Always breaking down doors and ruining people’s dinner.” Becky and I will be staying temporarily in a furnished apartment until repairs are completed on mine. I still lost my security deposit, but that was to be expected.
Becky and I went to visit her aunt Arlene, who has found wearing a diaper and being booked for assault and battery somewhat sobering and humbling. Since I am now Becky’s legal guardian until her mother gets back from her trip, her aunt Arlene plans to go home as soon as she is able. Apparently, Candace Halloran talked Rudy Dodd into not pressing charges against Arlene from where she beaned him with the wine bottle last night.
We also got visited by Candace and Rudy who apologized for the mess they made. Candace said her Aunt Roo (Ruby) was doing better and was back in her own modest home with a good security system near Nipissing University. Candace explained to me what the whole deal was about. She said, “Howard, Rudy and I made lists of all the things we’re looking for in a partner. Well, we both wanted someone who is a good cook, and we think you will qualify.” I said, “You want me to be your partner with everything, like with sex and stuff.” Candace said, “Yes. That’s the idea.” Rudy said, “No. Just a cook. I’m not into guys.” Candace said, “Rudy. We talked about this. There are certain positions that can only be done with 2 guys.” Rudy said, “There’s something I kind of neglected to tell you back when we were making those lists. I told Liz, that I decided to stop looking for things in a partner. You’re the one I want, Candace.” Candace said, “Oh, Rudy. That is so sweet. So, Howard are you interested?” I said, “It sounds to me like you guys just need to learn to cook, or maybe order out for food. I don’t think Rudy is really interested in another partner.” Candace said, “Rudy, you are screwing this up. I know sex with a guy doesn’t turn you on, but think of the good food Howard made for us last night.” Rudy said, “I don’t know about adding a 3rd person, just because they can cook. I really just want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Candace said, “Rudy. You know I don’t want to get married. I am faithful to you. After all, we backpacked through Europe for a year together and we are living together, while you go to U of T. But we always talked about getting a person with us who cooks, and here is Howard, who is a great cook. I don’t see what the problem is.” Rudy said, “Howard. Candace and I are going to have to talk this one out for a bit. Nothing personal against you, but I just don’t want to see you naked, OK? You are a good cook, though.”
So, Becky and I concluded our visit with Candace and Rudy.
Howard K.
At 5:29 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
It was a long New Years Eve. Many arrests for drunken behaviour. I hope that your party was a safe one with no underage drinking.
From your writings, it looks like you and your sister-in-law and Elizabeth are having a good time. I hope to meet the two of you someday, but I suspect it will have to be during a time that is not a holiday. The Ontario Provincial Police are very busy during holidays.
I am doing laundry this afternoon, using the method that your sister taught me. You know lengthwise, one side to the center, and then the other side to the center, so it fits on the towel rack nicely. I remember your sister saying that learning such things were very important to maintaining a healthy relationship. I used to take the towels out of the dryer, fold them using my hands and my chin without them touching any other surface until they went into a linen closet. I am so glad your sister taught me the right way.
There was a domestic disturbance last night over towel folding. The husband was folding towels and the wife shot him. She was screaming, “27 years of marriage and you never learned to do this right!” It was disturbing. I am so glad your sister has been brought up to discuss these important issues early in the relationship. I think it is a sign that my relationship with her will be a good one for a long time to come.
Please give my love to your sister, and let her know that I miss her.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 5:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, florida panthers 1 buffalo sabres 0 n the 1st period. alexandra & eva r both ovah here. alexandra iz teachin’ eva hockey stuff & i am just njoyin’ watchin’ them bounce. mom wuz a little confuzed wen they both came ovah. she sed, “how many gf’s do u have now? u know ur father had >1 gf.” i sed, “alexandra iz the only 1 & c, they r 2gethah, so i am not cheatin’ on ne1.” neway, mom kinda likes havin’ girls ‘round the house. i think she wuda preferred me 2b a girl. there r picturez of me n pink wen i wuz a baby that r rilly mbarrassing.
my mom haz me foldin’ towelz while i am watchin’ hockey. she sez it iz rilly gud 4 a gf 2c that her bf knows how 2 do laundry. she sez thingz 2 alexandra like, “jeremy knows how 2 cook 2. he also duz toilets. he iz a gud catch.” i dunno if alexandra carez ‘bout stuff like that. ‘course i have been doin’ household stuff since 4evah, cuz mom works full-time & dad haz been gone 4 a long tyme. if alexandra & i evah get married, she’z just gonna hafta get used 2 that stuff i guess. i hope she duzn’t think i am 2 wussy, doin’ laundry.
At 7:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
Well, as promised, I'm going to do a "copy and paste" from Mike's laptop. But be warned, it's a bit of an exaggeration to call what I'm about to paste an "article." It's more like a haphazard outline, with a note "Put this aside a few days until it gets organized."
Sister Siren Seduces Scandalously
I. My credenshulls
A. Ed. in chief of Port. Ont's prem mag.
B. Husband
1. Dee
2. pharma.
3. kids
4. bathrobe
5. attick
C. Brother
1. Liz
2. The other one. June?
3. I was an only 5 yrs. I luv mommy.
II. Dee, for heavens sake! Can't you see I'm writing!
A. Bathrobe.
B. alt.sex.furry.canada.ontario.toronto.not-rosedale-or-the-beaches
III. Memo to self. The Good Woman of Setzuan? Excellent Elly of Milborough! Change from heavy polemic showing that it's impossible to be good and live in under capitalism, to musical comedy about how a house with a yellow kitchen is the best place to raise a boy, girl, and oops child.
A. I'm a genius!
B. I look so good in a turtleneck.
C. I'm going to drop in on Weed so I can tell him about my genius ideas.
1. He loves that!
2. Send Carleen out on ptless errand.
3. Shud I ware my hair parted on the left or right? Middle?
IV. Liz & the men
A. What about Anthony?
1. hi-skool sweetheart
2. "Wait for me"
3. Therese
a. Anthony's marriage problems are taking a toll on him.
b. He looks tired and he feels he's failed.
1. Tired = 80 yo
2. WTF w/the stache?
c. Therese is busy traveling, taking courses and climbing up the corporate ladder.
d. There's no glass ceiling as far as she's concerned - just mirrors, and she likes what she sees.
e. Therese is a sharp(-featured) woman who tried to be something she isn't.
f. She wanted the stability of marriage but not the sameness.
1. She never shared Anthony's vision of home and family, although for his sake she tried.
2.Instead of talking things out and working toward a solution, she has become distant and more devoted to her career.
a. She's rarely home these days
b. Anthony expects to have to make plans for a future without her.
B. Eric. From college.
1. Chamberlain
2. Dimples
3. Hockey
4. Separate bedrooms
a. "My own space"
b. "We're just roommates"
c. Frying pans!
5. "Biggest mistake of my life, Mike from Portrait Magazine!"
6. Eric moved to Ottawa and continues to date.
7. He works for a marketing agency in the vicinity of a parade of attractive temp workers.
B. Warren Blackwood
1. "Flyboy"
2. Chopper hopper
3. He doesn't take my side on that argument with Dee. Not that one, but the other one. Is it my fault no one understands me?
4. E-mail w/Liz
5. "Space" after Eric
a. Bus rides
b. Baby pics
c. Liz grad fr. uni
1. why exactly did I not go to her grad?
2. Oh, right, "busy". Not with that thing, but the other thing.
6. Dating "other women"
a. Candi McNamara of Victoria, BC
1. satisfied customer, so to speak
b. Valérie "Boume Boume" LaLouche of Montreal
1. "None of, how-you-say, your beezneez."
2. "Goodbye. I call les gendarmes!"
c. Shania Bodwick of Edmonton, Alberta
1. "No comment, you freak!"
2. "Seriously, if you don't stop calling, I'm contacting the police."
C. Paul, aka "Constable Wright"
1. Otter County
2. Mom, 'vASSE, station, rX sunglasses, 8x10 "pimping" pic of Liz
3. Telescope.
4. Dating. Trying to have secrets. Ojibwe.
5. Paul doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with the jokes Dee an' Liz make about me.
a. Me, me, me, me!!!!
6. Matching jackets?
7. "Sweet girl"?
8. Falling in "love"?
a. What is love?
b. Dee, is that an aspirin or a BC pill? Or diarrhea meds?
c. Call Mom!
9. Jesse Mukwa factor?
D. What "D"? Should I make up a "D"? Oh, wait, my dad would make a pun. You know, on the letter "D" and my wife "Dee"! I have to call him and tell him about this idea.
1. He laughed, "Splat!" I could hear his tongue spraying saliva on that phone.
2. Disinfect that phone if I use it.
V. I'm bored! I have to reward myself. I've been working so hard on this article!
A. I'm a freakin' genius.
B. Should my next fanfic be called "Sexy Klingons" or "Beefy Klingons"
C. I can't wait until this outline gets organized. That is so amazing how that happens. A great trick!
VII. Dee doesn't fold the towels the way Mom does.
A. It just ain't right.
B. See what I put up with?
VIII. Liz! What are you doing here! No, you can't have my la.......
At 8:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
dee, liz found that "soopersekrit" folder on mike's lappy. all i can say is o. m. g.
my jaw, totally dropping.
apes
At 9:06 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, mom totally claimz those presentations @ the mall r, like, "by popular demand". i think they mita been mike's idea.
mike. omg. mike.
apes
At 9:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
go, dee! i'm glad u got mike 2 haul down that lux stuff fr. upstairz. & liz sex u r v. v. welcome! :)
that file. well, i can't believe, just as 1 example, what he's dun w/photoshop. & pix of weed. ew.
apes
At 9:25 PM,
April Patterson said…
bathrobe. omg! yeah, i admit, we were wondering abt that. mike. so, so weird!
apes
At 9:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, dee. i didn't imagine they made, like, lingerie in anthony's size! liz is like, "my eyez! my eyez! april! my eyez!"
apes
At 10:47 PM,
Anonymous said…
final anaheim 4 nashville 2. alexandra went home aftah the game wuz done. wen eva left 4 that demo @the mall, my mom sed i shud go w/eva till she realized it wuz ur mom givin’ the demo. she still haz bad feelings ‘bout the tyme we went 2 the lecturez ur bro gave. aftah alexandra went home, my mom wuz all ‘bout “that eva wuz a nice girl. u know if thingz don’t work out w/alexandra, u cud always ask her out.” i sed, “eva iz nice, but i’m d8ing alexandra. she’z the 1 i like & i don’t wanna mess it up. c-ing anothah girl wud b sumthin’ my dad wud do.” well, that kinda shut my mom up 4 awhile, but she wuz grumblin’ ‘bout “can’t unnerstand a word thoze states girlz say.”
At 11:06 PM,
howard said…
April,
Becky and I attended a demo at the mall being given by your mother. It was called “How Kenny Rogers can Enhance Your Love Life” Your mother had just cancelled a towel folding presentation and was shrieking about it, which attracted our attention. We spotted Eva and what I presume was her father, who was on the receiving end of your mother’s ire. Becky and I said hello to Eva as she was leaving. I think your mother was about to leave when the mall manager reminded her she was to continue with the next lecture. So, Becky and I decided to sit in on it, just for fun.
Part of it was “You Have to Know When to Hold Them, Know When to Fold Them, Know When to Walk Away, Know When to Run.”
Holding Them had to do with realizing when it is that your spouse wants a hug. As near as we could tell, the key ingredients were “she’s crying” or “she’s holding her arms open in a nonthreatening position.” Becky said, “2 things I have never seen Jelly do.”
Folding Them had to do with assuming your part of the housework, but only…ONLY after receiving proper instruction from your wife. Your mother gave several examples of towel folding, loading a dishwasher, and leaving a toilet seat down so the dogs don’t drink out of it.
Walking Away had to do with realizing when you have made one too many puns and you need to leave before you embarrass yourself. Essentially, it appeared that if sticky-out tongue laughing did not accompany your pun by someone other than yourself, then you had embarrassed your self. She demonstrated this a few times, and her volunteers had to wipe their faces each time.
Run had to do with realizing that you hadn’t walked away fast enough and that your ungainly punning was now going to result in a frying pan across the head. I felt really sorry for her volunteers during this part.
After the demonstration was completed, Becky turned to me and said, “I am feeling pretty bad for April’s dad now.” I said, “Me too.”
At 12:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Friends,
During my required daily online pornography reading, I discovered another slash fic piece by "MikeyP." I think maybe Liz didn't steal the laptop fast enough. I will now reproduce the piece in its entirety for your perusing pleasure:
the verry beutyfull lootenint pat lizzerson lefft the classrome of the starshipp entirpriz's skool fore the younge childrens of the offisirs. she had bin wurking they're fore mayebe a yire or a yire and a haff and she fonde tiching teh manye graides two bee verry chalinjing. twoday had ben a lung daye and viry harrd bicuz of hir "prawblim stewdent" who waz jessy pickard-ryker the sun of cummandir rykir and cappten pickard.
pat fonde thet she cold handil the chalinge bettir if she tryed too act just lick her saynted mothir, admeerale elynore "elly" lizzerson who waz the deen of teh colage of dumestick siinces at starflet hedkwartirs on earthe. pat's mom had ben techeng four meny yirs and had tot pat everitheng she kniw abowt prisenteng hirself as a lirnid pruffessir.
admeerele elly tot pat thet gudd techirs luk seereyus. so pat wohre a youniforhme that waz mayne syzes two large fore hir. also she piked the musturd culoure younyfohrme insted of the bloo won thet tichers youzoouhlly (sp?) where bicuze it mayde hir skinn lok soret of sic and greenesh. she alsow followid the most impourtent parte of teh advycse witch waz two allwayz where a bun.
but it dedn't sem two mattir. al of teh wimen on teh starrship wir in luve weth pat. pat ded not no watt two doo.
just thin pat ran intwo doctir crushir. aginst all hir welpowir pat feld disyre growe upp in hir loyns. pat had datid teh doctir whyl they wir in starrflet akadimee twogethir. they had evin lived twogethir four awhile so dep had bin they're lov. pat hed gevn hir virgenety two the doctir wetch pat nowe feld waz a misteak. the doctir hed cheetid on hir weth a viry pritty tranzpourtir stewdent. the doctir sed "helow, pat." pat bursted intwo teers and rayn uhway. pat had hird thet the doctir waz dateing a lawt of tempurrerry nurseng uhsisstents latly and pat felt sow engry thet the doctir ded not pyne awaye four her lick wimin ahr supperosed two.
pat rayn untill she crashid rite intwo hir chyldhod swithard, lootenint candice halorin. candice cold si thet pat waz criing and candice asked hir "dew yew hav sum tyme two tawk? i ned two tawk two ewe." and tehn candice sed "i wont two mak ewe a part of my lif agayn. wee alwayzh hed fun and laffed. ewe were ezee two get alawng weth. my wif terezz iz sow hard. she duzent dew what i want her two. i hav now home!" pat cold not say anitheng she waz dumstruck and confyoozed. candice sed "eye am geteng a devorse. wayt four me pat! i lov ewe!"
pat sed "i hav two gow nowe" and she waked away. she feld sow confyoosid and alsow tho viry moch en lov bicauz candice waz hir cheldhod swethard whech pat's mothir alwayhz sed is importent two merry if ewe can manige et. so et dedn't mattir thet pat hadint scene candice muche four lick fiv yirs or sowe. pat feld passhun four candice wel op in hir privet pards lick a fyre.
pat got intwo teh turdboleft and waz aboat two clos the dorrs wen soddenlee hoo shold appir but lootenint tasha yar. tasha and pat had datid cazshoeullee (sp?) aftir the doctir cheetid on pat but pat nevir let hirselfe relly lick tasha bicauz pat waz afrayed two git hurte agin. pat hed not scene tasha in ovir a yir as tasha had bin at a speshil flying skool on earth.
tasha sed "pat, her i em! gev me sum shooger baybe!" and pat waz confyooozed she sed "but tasha i hevn't scene ewe en a longe tyme" and tasha sed "but i car four ewe" and pat sed "i thot ewe wur probubbly dateng othir gurlz" and tasha sed "yes but when i fuk them i m thenking of ewe." and pat sed "wel i hav sumwon ells in my lyfe nowe" but evin az she sed it, pat feld hir neathir reegens burnn weth lust four tasha. this waz viry confyoozeng four pat but then agin mowst thengs seam two confyoose pat.
tasha grabid pat and thriw hir aginst teh turbowleft dor. "how kan i mak ewe sea i stell kar four ewe?" she askid hir eyez berning weth passhun. pat sed "seing iz bileeveng" and tasha sed "well then lok at thes" and unziped hir unyforme two show pat hir ful and heving brests. they wir rond and ferm and had too hard neples lick those cheries they putt on sundays.
pat thriw hir armes arond tasha and huged hir hard weth teers weling upp in hir eyez. "keep in tuch tasha" she sed thow pat kniw it waz a lye. then pat ran out the turbowleft two hir kwarters.
insyde hir kwarters, pat fownd cownseler troy wayting four hir. pat had bin dateng teh cownseler four meny munths but onlee on hir dayz off bicauz the cownseler waz very buzzy senzing thengs four the cappten dureng teh wurk weak.
the cownselor sed "their she iz--the gurl en my lif!" and hir blak eyez berned weth passhun as she tok pat entwo hir imbrayce. pat felt disyre four the cownseler butt had ben triing two hide it. it waz a viry gossepy shipp and pat waz alwayzhs triing two pretind she dedn't car four the cownseler bicauz hir mothir alwayzhs sed "a lizzerson haz two ackt lick she iz bettir then evirywon els and that meens she ka'nt hav seckx or at leest haz two pritend she nevir haz seckx." so pat ackted lick she dedn't rilly lick the cownseler two much. she woldn't kiss hir at ten foreword or even let the cownseler in hir kwartirs four more then ten minits.
so pat wuz confyoozed when cownseler troy sed she wuz the gurl "in hir lif" bicauz pat and hir dedn't rilly spend muche of there tyme twogethir at al. but stil their wuz burneng passhun en hir loyns. but also pat new she shold want two merry cownseler troy so she cold fynelly hav sum baybees lick a normle gurl shuld. sow pat waz confyoozed mor then evir.
then cownseler troy sed "the starrshep may travil arownd teh yoonivurse, but my wurld revowlves arownd ewe." and pat wuz evin mor confyoozed since pat only saw teh cownseler lick thre or for howers a weak. the cownseler wuz blabing abowt beeng krazy abowt pat and abowt beeng in lov weth pat but pat feld sumtheng els. sumtheng hir mothir the admeerele woldn't uhprove off.
pat feld that she wantid two fuk the cownseler lick they're waz now twomorrow, butt thet she ded not lov hir at lest not yett.
so she did. pat fuked the cownseler rite they're on teh flowr. they fuked and fuked untill pat waz exawstid. then they layd their on the flowr nakid weth they're yooniformes in shredds al arownd them.
when cownseler troy cawt hir breth she sed "how rowmantik!"
and pat sed "its nawt rowmantik. its just nyce. nyce two fuk wethout haveng two gett maryed and hav baybeez rite uhway. nyce two get two hav my own kwarters alown, wethowt a wif, evin if it iz small and bear in here lick an olde attick! a lizzerson needs hir spayce!"
sow pat and the cownseler agreeed two bee fuk budies four awhyl and sea howe it wendt.
teh end
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