To review: Liz chose the policeman. Not the pilot.
So, I admit it. While Liz was telling Mike an' Dee all this stuff on Christmas day, I was listening in. I was, like, pretending to tidy up rite outside of the kitchen. NEway, Liz was all, "Warren & I promised 2 keep in touch....But I doubt that we will." She also mentioned that Warren had sumhow gotten a whole lot shorter. Like, he'd been about a head taller than Liz when they went up in the heli, but suddenly after their ride, he was, like, barely taller than Liz. Weird. Dee was all Readers Digest summary: "U've chosen the policeman over the pilot. How romantic!" Liz:" I don't know if it's romance yet, but it's nice." Liz? Y U holding back like that? So, then, of course Mike was all, "This soundz like a good story. I should write about it!" Like everything that happens around him has 2 get written abt. Arse. Liz sed, "U do--and U're dead meat!" Then, Mom & Dad had 2 show up @ the doorway all buttinsky, so I cdn't hear Mike & Liz over their blah-blahs. Mom: "It's Christmas, we're all 2gether 4 the 1st time in ages...&, the kids R having an argument!" Dad thot he was cute by saying, "Don't U just luv tradition?" Whatevs, Dad. How 'bout we disabuse (vocab word!) Mike of the idea that we're all fodder (more vocab!) 4 his st00pid columns & so-called articles. Geez.
Paul, I saw yr post fr. last nite. That musta been sooooooo awkward w/yr fam. Liz sez she feels awful abt it & she planz 2 make it up 2 U. & she sez not 2 worry abt the "I don't know if it's romance yet" thing--that this was just sumthing she sed hoping it wd make Mike not thing this soundz like a good story. 'Course it didn't work.
Becks, that thing w/Candace @ the bakery soundz way gross. Liz is, like, in shock about Candace & yr Aunt Arlene. She's all, "I nevr suspected a thing!" LOL, she's prolly the only 1!
Hey, who's up 4 karaoke? NE1 who's in2 it, meet me & Ger @ Singalong Sam's, the new karaoke place across from Horny Tim's! We'll B there @ 5.
Apes
Paul, I saw yr post fr. last nite. That musta been sooooooo awkward w/yr fam. Liz sez she feels awful abt it & she planz 2 make it up 2 U. & she sez not 2 worry abt the "I don't know if it's romance yet" thing--that this was just sumthing she sed hoping it wd make Mike not thing this soundz like a good story. 'Course it didn't work.
Becks, that thing w/Candace @ the bakery soundz way gross. Liz is, like, in shock about Candace & yr Aunt Arlene. She's all, "I nevr suspected a thing!" LOL, she's prolly the only 1!
Hey, who's up 4 karaoke? NE1 who's in2 it, meet me & Ger @ Singalong Sam's, the new karaoke place across from Horny Tim's! We'll B there @ 5.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:03 AM
26 Comments:
At 9:28 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Oh man. Worst d8 evah last nite.
Mr an' Mrs Malkmus went 2 a party an' said I had 2 babysit there 8 yr brat Stevie Jr. I took Jr ovah 2 my place 2 meet Kimmi. I found 1 of my old kiddy vids an' put it in the VCR 4 Jr but he kept following me an' Kimmi around NEway. I told him Id pay him a loonie if he cleaned the litter boxes I thot that wld keep him busy 4 awhile.
I got out the Bajan rum the bottle was empty an' there was a note fr my mom on the bottle, "I KNOW ABOUT YOUR NIGHT IN THE SNOW FORT. HAVE A GLASS OF MILK INSTEAD." Then Jr came in an' said he didnt think the toilet was working rite. Oh man. The brat threw all the dirty litter in2 the toilet an' flushed it. The water an' cat poop was running all ovah the floor an' the litter in the bowl was hard like cement. Kimmi took off on me. I called a plumber who came like 3 hrs l8r an' charged $107 2 fix the toilet. I didnt have $107 so I had 2 call Mr M. He paid the plumber, took Bratto home, an' told me 2 get ovr 2 his place as soon as I finished mopping up the mess. Evry1 was asleep when I got back an' no1 is up yet so I dunno how much trbl Im in.
Karaoke sounds cube, Apes. Ill b there if Mr. M hasnt found sum emergency military skool 2 send me 2.
p.s. Kimmi, will u meet me @ Horny T @ noon 2morrow? Ill buy u yr favs, a dbl dbl an' Hawaiian dip.
At 9:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
it's a d8, dunc!
kiMMi <3 <3 <3
At 11:40 AM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks! liz sez she will pretend she doesn't know nething. but it soundz like we've gotta warn howard! i wonder what's going on w/him now!
apes
At 1:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
that's ok, alex. if my 'rents wanna keep this stuff secret, they totally hafta stop actin' so weird like, out in public & stuff.
r u gonna join us 4 karaoke this evening?
apes
At 2:06 PM,
Anne said…
U can count me n 4 karaoke, Apes! Me & Gordie saw "Lost n Translation" last nite, & he says it'll be campy fun, so he convinced me 2 go. We'll do an Our Lady Peace song 2gether.
I'm on my break @ the library & I just saw Kimmi n here. She was taking this book 2 the checkout desk. Inneresting....
Vicks
At 2:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m sorry 2 hear abt yr friend, alex. eva, vicks, i'm glad u r both planning 2 go! it's gonna b way fun!
apes
At 2:38 PM,
Anonymous said…
oh, hey, vicki! i thot i saw u @ the library. yeah, my 'rents won't tell me a thing, so i figured i cud use sum help!
kiMMi <3 <3 <3
p.s. dunc, shd i go 2 karaoke?
At 2:50 PM,
Anne said…
Hi, Kimmi. :-) I totally understand. Just thinking about asking my folks about the birds & bees gives me the heebie-jeebies. Plus, everything about dating & stuff I need 2 know I learned from Maynard. He was kinda high @ the time, and tended 2 ramble, but I think I got the main ideas.
Vicks
At 3:54 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, alex! wow!
directions: yeah, i think ger has memorized the directions. he can recite 'em! lol!
apes
At 4:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Yo, April! Are you related to Michael Patterson from Portrait Magazine? He called me and he was like, "I heard some hack writer was sniffing around for a 'Rebeccah' story from you! That story is mine! Rebeccah is my baby sister's friend!" I told him "Money talks, bullshit walks!" He claims he'll top what the other writer was willing to pay. Can you say "bidding war"? Suh-WEET!
Jeffo
At 4:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
alex, it's totally cuz of ger's dad! i think he, like, quizzes ger on this stuff!
jeffo, yeh, mike's my brother, sad 2 say. i don't think ne good evr comes fr. cooperating w/him on a story.
apes
At 5:20 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger is up onstage rite now! he's doin' "desperado"! dunc, vicki, becky, eva, & kimmi r also here now. becks & vicks r looking thru the song catalogue.
apes
At 5:44 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello).
I had a telephone interview with a man from Toronto today, who called me at home. He said it was for an article he was writing about men in public service and the women they love, and he wanted a representative from the Ontario Provincial Police. He asked many unusual questions, like:
How do you feel when the woman you love does not share your vision of home and family?
How do you feel when the woman you love thinks there's no glass ceiling as far as she's concerned - just mirrors, and she likes what she sees?
How do you feel when the woman you love tells your sister that your relationship is like being with someone who’s never there?
How do you feel when the woman you love walks away when your sister threatens to turn you into dead meat?
How do you feel when the woman you love refuses to let you purchase the heritage home in which you are living, so you can drive out your vulgar downstairs neighbours with a jackhammer and varnish that smells like feet?
Do you feel inadequate when the woman you love takes helicopter rides with other lighter-skinned, wealthier men, they have known for much longer than you?
After that last question, I must admit I got angry and slammed down the phone. The other questions confused me. Please let your sister know that I am sorry for whatever may appear in the article in Toronto. I am afraid I did not react very well.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 7:23 PM,
April Patterson said…
alex, eva's being all, "tell al 2 get her raggedy arse down here!" she just finished singing "killing me softly". every1 totally clapped & cheered she sang so well. kimmi's trying 2 get dunc 2 do a duet w/her. becks did "barbie girl"! she played it real camp. vicks & gordie r getting ready 2 sing 2gether now. oh, & i'm still deciding what 2 sing. i did "in my life" but now i wanna do sumthing silly. :)
apes
At 7:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
btw, paul, u totally have nothing 2 apologize 4. believe me, when liz findz out mike made that call, & that he's pursuing his stupid article even when liz told him not to, there is so gonna b heck 2 pay!
apes
At 7:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
also, 4got 2 mention jeremy got here around six. he sez he's planning sumthing special 4 u alex.
apes
At 8:13 PM,
Anne said…
Yeah Alex, u need 2 find a way to get over here! Jeremy's all dressed up & wearing cologne 4 u.
Wow...I never sang n front of an audience b4. I had, like, 4 'spresso drinks @ Horny Tim's b4 we went 2 Singalong Sam's, 4 courage. What'd u think of me & Gordie's cover of Our Lady Peace's "Superman Is Dead"? I just stayed n a low register & let Gordie hit the high notes. Those lyrix are so deep, bcause sumetimes, life is a subway, u know?
Becks improved "Barbie Girl" by far! I used 2 think that song was so annoying, but she made it listenable. Ger...isn't quite Don Henley, but I guess he needs 2 find material that worx for him....lol. And Eva blew me away w/her singing!
Vicks
At 8:32 PM,
Anne said…
Hi, Alex! We're towards the front, on the left. I'm wearing a black velvet blazer w/jeans, Apes has on this purple sequined twinset, & Becks is wearing a shiny green blouse. They serve coffee, lattes (even w/skim milk *snort*), cappucino, mochas, u name it! I'll order u a vanilla mocha--it's the bomb. :-)
Vicks
At 8:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
vicks, yeah, u & gordie totally rawked that song! what did u guyz think of my version of dido's "thank u"? man, i m so wired on trip-shot lattes.
so glad alex got here! she's all snuggled up 2 jeremy. awwwww!
becks wants me 2 do a duet w/her! gotta go!
apes
At 9:12 PM,
Anne said…
Thanx, Apes! Ur singing was spot-on--u sang w/more personality than Dido. I mean, she can carry a tune, but her voice and tone have this kind of la-de-da, I'm walkin' thru the flowers vibe to them, u know? So u were much better. :-)
Apes & Becks r reading the catalogue again, flipping the pages back & forth. I wonder what they'll sing.
U & Jer look so happy 2gether, Alex! Ur new silver hoop earrings are super cool!
Gordie wants 2 slow dance, but I have 2 left feet, & Sam's has PJ Harvey's "A Perfect Day Elise" in their catalogue, & I'm hopped up on enuff espresso 2 think singing it is a good idea....lol.
Vicks
At 9:26 PM,
Anne said…
Aw, u channeled Kurt & that stage dive u took was really gutsy, Alex! Jeremy was such a gentleman 2 catch u.
Sorry u got booed, Jer, but from where I'm sitting, it looked like it was the dudes who were slamming Jager shots @ the bar 4 like, 2 hours str8t doing all the jeering.
We should get our Bic lighters ready n case NEone sings a metal ballad...lol. I heard this tattooed guy n leather pants tell the DJ he wants 2 sing "Silent Lucidty." Oh dear...
Vicks
At 9:28 PM,
April Patterson said…
i had a blast singing no doubt's "i'm just a girl" with becky! i know we were getting a little silly w/our poses, but it was so much fun!
alex, rn't u used 2 our accents yet? neway, i thot yr nirvana was way cube!
apes
At 9:48 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx, alex! :)
accents, like how u were "correcting" jeremy 4 saying "'bout" like a canadian insteada saying it like an american. i thot u were used 2 the way we say that!
apes
At 10:22 PM,
Anne said…
Ur way too hard on urself, Alex! There was this guy, this professor from Chicago, @ my mom's house 4 Christmas dinner, who pronounced the word "wash" as "warsh." WTF?? Where'd u get that phantom r? Whereas ur still getting used 2 accents here.
Tattooed dude is warbling "Silent Lucidity." 2 put it mildly, he's no Geoff Tate. He sounds like Don Johnson trying 2 hit those high notes on "Heartbeat." Painful. I hope he's not an actor too.
Vicks
At 11:05 PM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey evry1 this is so much fun Kimmi an' I r abt 2 do an oldie "Afternoon Delite" which is what well have 2morrow aft r Horny T d8. I guess Kimmi missed the plantain an' condom assembly which is cube 'cos I can nevah 4get it.
Ive not Bn paying much attention what w/ staying up l8 w/ the cat poop an' Mr. Malkmus saying I hafta babysit Bratto 2morrow nite 2 pay him back 4 the plumbing bill. So I dunno what evry1s doing 4 NY Eve but u can come 2 the Malkmus place 4 a party or u can come 4 an' afterparty. Ive found Mr. an' Mrs. M.'s beverage stash.
L8r.
At 2:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, that wuz a gr8 time @singalong sam's. i’m rilly glad u nvited every1 2 go. it wuz gud 2b w/alexandra wen i didn’t hafta do the sound. alexandra & i may go to the party ovah @malkmus place 4 ny eve, but she duzn’t know 4 sure. she haz that friend @her home she iz worried ‘bout be-in’ alone on new years. i dunno how that will go 2morrow. all i know 4 sure iz that i wanna b w/alexandra on new years.
alexandra iz sleepin’ on the chesterfield ovah @my house 2nite, ncase u needta talk 2 her. her stage dive tuk me a little by surprize 2nite, but it wuz ok. i have been workin’ out 2 get that 40-year-old pudge offa me & it wuz a gud opportunity 2 show off my new muscles. that wuz the reazn y i didn’t put alexandra down 4 awhile. well, that plus i like holdin’ alexandra.
neway, the ‘mazin’ part this evenin’ wuz how well rebeccah did w/me & alexandra & duncan & kimmi lasalle. i thot she mite b a little upset, but i guess that new college guy jack she haz been c-ing haz taken the edge off that. wadya think?
ttyt
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