April's Real Blog

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Fly Boy!

So the "long distance" call 4 Liz? Warren! The helicopter guy. Calling from Vancouver, but planning 2 fly 2 Geraldton (heh, heh!) and then Toronto. He offered 2 pick up Lizzie in Mtighooha, but she told him "sum1" was giving her a ride to White River. Then she's all asking Vivian, "Warren wants 2 fly me from White River 2 Toronto--What shd I tell Paul?" & she did this while covering the phone receiver w/her hand. Does she really think this keeps the person on the phone fr. hearing her. Imagine Warren being all, "Who's Paul?", eh? & Viv's brilly response? "Tell him U have friends in hi places." What, is she an honorary Patterson?

Paul, I saw the message U posted last nite. I really don't know what Liz is thinking l8ly abt her luv life cuz she mostly doesn't wanna talk abt it 2 NE1. But I totally hope she chooses U! I was hoping U wd visit us over Xmas.

Howard, Marjee! It soundz like U had s00per fun last nite.

Becks, I M soooooo sorry U had 2 hear my 'rents like that. ::shudder:: I had a gd time staying ovr @ Ger's, tho it was weird cuz his dad kept wanting 2 leave us alone in his rm, & that wd B cube, but then, like 5 mins in2 making out, Ger's mom wd B pounding on the door & then making us come downstairz 4 an etiquette or nutrition lesson. & man, it's a gd thing Ger has started stashing food in his rm, else I'd B starving 2day! Also, Ger made me watch a video called "Your Breast Health and You." Then he totally wanted us 2 work on the xam techniques. & Dr. F was all, "Gr8 idea!" & Mrs. F was all, "Over my dead body!" & Dr. F was like, "U're so skeletal, yr body lks dead already!" The Forsythe guest suite is really fancy. I highly recommend it, if U bring yr own food.

Alex, U shd talk 2 Liz. It soundz like U mite B having similar thots abt yr relationships. LOL on what yr Dad musta been thinkin' abt equipment. Is he a Seinfeld fan?

Dunc, Y did U sleep in my bed last nite? ::confused::

Apes

36 Comments:

  • At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, ne chance i cud borrow that video on breast health frum geranium? i wanna make sure i'm up on the l8est exam techniques. for alexandra'z sake, u know.

     
  • At 12:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    u'll hafta ask ger!

    apes

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Oh. I am hungover this morning. I can’t believe how much we drank. The evening had an interesting ending with Marjee, Maynard, Everett and I going to Everett’s place. Everett set a new standard for partying, when he asked the 3 of us, “So like, are you dudes up for some totally cool group sex?” Fortunately Maynard was definitely not up for it, because I was completely uninterested and I didn’t want to seem prudish to Everett. Maynard said, “Marjee and I only do that with straight couples. I don’t do dudes.” Marjee, however, was pretty enthusiastic about the idea for some reason and she tried to talk Maynard into it. Anyway, it didn’t happen.

    So instead, Everett challenged us to a drinking contest using his fully stocked liquor cabinet. There were some good wines in there. I really don’t know who won the contest, as I was the first one under the table. As I was collapsing into a drunken slumber, it appeared that the other 3 were still going strong. When I woke up this morning, Marjee and Maynard were already gone and there were clothes strewn about the place, I think they were Everett’s but I wasn’t sure. Mine were still on all me, which is good, since I have had way too many experiences with unconscious sex.

    I got to my apartment and changed just in time for work. When I got there, Marjee was already there, not looking hungover at all. I asked her what happened after I passed out and she just smiled at me and said, “You really do not want to know, Howard.” She is probably right about that.

    Howard

     
  • At 12:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    gerald, ne chance i can borrow ur video on breast health?

     
  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I just got a call from Everett from the dentist’s office. He was calling to tell me he couldn’t meet me for lunch. It is the strangest story. Apparently, just before lunchtime your mom came into the office wearing a long coat that went all the way down to her ankles, covering her whole body. Jean Baker didn’t think anything of this until he noticed that your mother was wearing high-healed stilettos and was carrying a bottle of wine. Your mother went into your dad’s office with him and shut the door. Shortly after that, your dad asked Everett if he could handle the next few appointments for him and asked Jean if she could make sure that he was not disturbed. Everett says keeps hearing giggling coming from your dad’s office. I thought you might be interesting in knowing this. I don’t think I have ever seen your mother in heels.

    Howard

     
  • At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    eva, um...not rilly. sum peeps @skool call me germy, but thoze peeps don't like me. alexandra'z family haz called me everything frum germany to jeremiah, but germany iz the 1 they uze most often. wen i wuz young my mom usedta call me "reazn i am divorced & bitter". but actually there r no ncknmes i like. duz that answer ur question?

     
  • At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear members of April's Real Blog,

    I know you are all friends or family of Liz Patterson. I have come here to ask you for your help. First, some background.

    Liz and I met when she was still in college. I am a helicopter pilot, and so our relationship was always long-distance. We were never able to spend much time together, but our brief encounters left a powerful, burning yearning in my soul. I am at a loss to account for it; it is as if I have been bewitched by a powerful goddess.

    This desire has flickered within me for quite some time. Though I have not seen Liz for over a year, I still think of her often. Yet I cannot bring myself to pick up a phone to call, or to write a letter. It is so odd. Then, recently, the overwhelming urge to call surged within me.

    It is as if some powerful magic is dragging me and my helicopter thousands of miles across Canada so that I may pursue this interest in Liz.

    My loins are aflame with lust for her wonderfully ordinary face and for that perfectly average body tantalizingly concealed in frumpy clothes. She will no doubt become a fat hag like her mother someday, yet this knowledge does not dampen my passion.

    How I miss her company! Her persistent cluelessness is so charming. It grates upon my mind in the most enticing manner. I find it so refreshing that she is without talent or hobbies outside of her work. She is a blank slate, a tabula rasa for me to write upon. I fantasize about what a wonderful wife she would make. I dream about her being my clay to mold as I choose.

    Oh Liz, you are so...well, the only word I can think of is "special." Why do you haunt me so? Are you a witch, or is there a sorceress of love who has transfixed me? Oh, she must be a capricious wench to toy with my heart in this manner!

    Friends of Liz, tell me--have I any chance to win her? If so, what should I say or do to sway her affections during our helicopter ride?

    Gratefully yours, Warren

     
  • At 2:27 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i dunno what 2 say, warren. u sound like u sumhow like & dislike lizzie @ the same time. like u don't wanna b attracted 2 her & r in spite of yrself.

    u mention witches, & there is in fact a witch who has messed mightily w/our lives. but we r afraid 2 speak of her!

    april (liz's sister)

     
  • At 2:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    warren, ur seriously whacked.

    fortunately 4u, april's sis iz notorious (or iz that nefarious) 4 pickin' good-lookin' psycho loserz 4 bfs, so i wud say u have a rilly gud chance. if u wanna "sway her affections" do sum of thoze psycho loser thingz she likes. u know like tell her 'bout ur dead grandpa on a d8 or go way outa ur way 2 meet her or tell her ur gonna divorce ur wife & ask her 2 w8 4u rite aftah she haz been sexually assaulted. i don't know april'z sis that well, but az near az i can tell, she eats that kinda stuff up. ur prolly on the rite track w/that not callin' or ritin' & showin' up @the last minute w/a big helicopter stuff. frum wut i know 'bout liz, that cud do it rite there for the affection swayin'. that may b just psycho enuff 2 attract her.

    gud luck, whack job.

     
  • At 3:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April--

    I do not dislike Liz. What did I say of her that sounds like dislike? I like all the qualities I listed.

    Can you tell me of good ways to woo your sister?

    Sincerely yours, Warren

     
  • At 3:10 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Your mom just came through the shop and gave everyone a Christmas gift and she said pleasant things to everyone. Everyone was in shock, except for Marjee who has had a goofy grin on her face all freaking day long and she still hasn't told me why.

    I am writing this only to tell you that your mom has some sort of special mother/daughter bonding thing planned for you two. I am not going to tell you what it is, since your mom is going to surprise you with it. I will tell you that it is really nice and I am quite jealous. Your mom said, when she left here, she was going to pick up from school and take you to whatever the activity is. So, you should wait for her and not go to Lilliput's or wherever it is you normally go after school.

    Howard

     
  • At 3:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jeremy,

    Hypothetical question: what do you think Liz would think if I proposed to her, then grabbed her against all protest and kissed her passionately?

    Or, what if I told her I wanted her to dump whatever loser(s) she's currently with, leave Mtigwaki, and come to British Columbia with me? What do you think of the idea of me refusing to take no for an answer?

    I am just trying to come up with ideas that fit your suggestions.

    Thanks, Warren

     
  • At 3:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so i almost missed my mom al2gether, cuz i was lkin' 4 the vASSe, & then i herd a horn honkin' & it was mom in a mazda miata that she rented. she told me, "i thot u mite prefer not 2 b picked up in the fuddyduddymobile." i can't get ovr how pretty my mom lks, btw!

    neway, she sed, "i have lots of surprises planned 4 u this afternoon, but we'll take this 1 step @ a time. 1st step: new hairdo. the bangs and ponytail r an ok look 4 a 12-yo, but u r 14 now! u need sumthing more grown-up!" so we r @ the salon, & i'm in the shampoo line. mom told howard, "b gentle!"

    marjee is very giggly 2day. she told me she'd post in a lil while & satisfy howard's curiosity, but that she'll hafta w8 4 a lull, since they r soooo busy!

    neway, i'll post more upd8's on mom's plans l8r.

    warren, usually whe sum1 sez "frumpy" & "average" & "having no interests", those r putdowns! & growing up 2 b a hag is usually not c'n as an asset.

    apes

     
  • At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear April,

    You misunderstand me.

    I love Liz's frumpy clothes. I love that she is hiding her body from the world, just for me. It is like knowing that there is a surprise package in there, waiting for me to open it. I think she is dressing this way just to tease me, to tantalize with forbidden delights. It turns me on.

    Since when is average bad? Average is normal. I want a normal girl. Is something wrong with liking normal?

    I like that Liz has no hobbies because that means she will be able to spend all her free time with me. And I want a partner who will share my life as much as possible. If she had lots of other interests, I wouldn't see her all the time.

    That she will likely look like your mother when she gets old is her only negative quality. But I am willing to accept this because all partners come with flaws. Do we have to believe someone is perfect in order to love them? I say no!

    I find what you say about the witch most intriguing. Well, it may have taken her sorcery to keep my interest alive across time and distance, but I am convinced Liz is the one for me!

    Sincerely yours, Warren

     
  • At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    warren, ur ideaz r gr8. if u cud tell her sumthin’ ‘bout b-ing barefoot & preggers 4 the rest of her life, that wud b icin’ on the cake. also, tell her that she hasta leave her cat b-hind wen she comez w/u. that cat wuz forced on her by 1 of her students & she wud b gr8ful if u gave her an excuse 2 get rid of it.

     
  • At 4:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Jeremy--

    You are a veritable fount of good ideas!

    The cat thing is good because I was under the impression that Liz was a dog person. I didn't know about the cat. Being a cat person is a flaw, but if she doesn't really want to be one, I am sure I can make her change back.

    If the native kid won't take the cat back, should I kill it? Is that too psycho, or just psycho enough?

    Since I am hoping for a family, telling Liz to quit her job and have no ambition other than having babies would not be too hard for me. Normally I would try to be more sensitive, but if you think Liz would like me to be more of a male chauvanist pig, I think I can do that.

    Thank you so much for your help!

    Sincerely, Warren

     
  • At 4:29 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    April is getting her new haircut from Marjee now. I gave her a good shampoo, but without the emphasis on the O in shampoo, if you know what I mean. It was just enough stimulation to get her hair really nice and clean and her scalp kind of tingly for the cutting. I have worked with April’s hair before when I put it in braids at her grandpa Jim's, so I am accustomed with how much is or is not too much with her.

    Just to let you know, Sugar has put limits on the more stimulating shampoos for minors, unless, the minor has a signed permission from their parent. It is not technically an illegal activity, but Sugar is just making sure. Plus, not that it has come up, but it’s girls only. Sugar doesn’t want any disgusting messes in the shampooing area.

    It is strange to see April’s mom with her petite nose and her new haircut from yesterday. She is wearing an outfit that shows off the better aspects of her figure and she is actually very attractive. It is so odd not to see her in a frumpy dress or pants.

    She and April spent awhile looking through hair pictures to choose just the right style for April. April seems to be enjoying her mother fretting over every detail. She is telling Marjee things I thought I would never hear her say, “Now Marjee. We want April to look grown up, but still take advantage of her wonderful features. We can’t have hair down in her face covering those beautiful eyes of hers. Oh, her boyfriend is just going to love this new look. He plays hockey and basketball at her school and is quite the athlete, I understand. I just love it that April has found a boyfriend who enjoys team sports. And April has started working on the yearbook. I am so proud that she has found something to do outside of working at Lilliput’s. She is such a pretty girl and needs to be out and about with her friends.”

    I think you will like the style April and her mother chose.

    Howard

     
  • At 4:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    warren, i wudn't kill the cat. the peeps where liz lives wud not like that & it wud mess up ur whole thing. u shud just prolly mention gettin' rid of the cat while ur n the air n the helicopter wen it's hard 2 hear, & then pretend u heard her say she wunted 2 get rid of it. that way, liz can pretend 2 the 1st nations peeps, it wuz all a misunderstandin' wen the cat iz accidentally left b-hind.

     
  • At 5:48 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    my hair turned out v. cute! mom & i r @ the mall now. she sed she felt bad abt taking 4 "school shopping" & only letting me get stuff that allowed w/the school uni. she sed, "what was i thinking? it's not like u don't need cute things 2 wear after school, weekend, & holidays!" so we r buying cute, cute clothes! then we r going out 2 eat @ this fun restaurant @ the mall, "diner x"! then--i don't know. more surprises!

    warren, i m pretty sure acting all chauvinistic wd make liz not like u @ all!

    apes

    p.s. my hair: i still have bangz, but they're more wispy/spiky lookin'. & i have long, flippy layers framing my face. i luv it! :)

     
  • At 6:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear friends,

    I am glad to hear that I do not have to kill the cat. While I do not like cats, I don't want to hurt them either. I would not have enjoyed doing that to win Liz's love.

    I think Becky's idea about the South American orphans is intriguing. However, I would rather spend more time with Liz, not less, so I wouldn't want to actually go through with the plan. Does anyone know how I could spend more time with Liz while making her think I am unavailable?

    Sincerely and gratefully yours, Warren

     
  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    guess what? after dinner, the waiter brot me a big, gift-wrapped box. an' inside was an electric guitar! mom sed she felt bad that she & dad had filled my hed abt how bad it is 2 b ambitious & pursue a career in music. she sed, "april, u have a gift. it wd b a shame 2 waste it. it's ok if u don't want 2 play professionally, but it's also ok if u do!"

    & she sed that's not even the end of the surprises!

    apes

     
  • At 8:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Finally, some time to write!

    So, Howard already told you all about how Everett wanted to get into some group action. And Nardo was such a stick in the mud! I thought it could be fun! I said, "Nardo! What gives? You are always after me to get in on some 'hot girl-on-girl action' for you to watch! Goose and gander! Why don't I get to see some hot 'guy-on-guy' action?" And Nardo got all mad and said, "I don't do GUYS! And, it's not HOT!" And I said, "Oh, please. If the guys are hot, and I say they are, then it's gonna be HOT!" We went back and forth like that for a while, and I could tell Howard was getting uncomfortable, so when Everett suggested the drinking contest, I was good to go.

    Howard, sweetheart, you are one lightweight! Anyway, after Howard passed out, Everett, Nardo, and I were keeping up with one another pretty well. During one of Nardo's many trips to "take a piss," Everett whispered to me, "I bet you a twenty spot I can get Maynard to make out with me!" And I said, "You're on." When Nardo came back from the washroom, I was giggling, and Nardo asked, "What's going on?" I said "Nothing," but then I started laughing again.

    So, we were having some shots of whiskey, and Everett said, "Maynard! Dude! When was the last time you had a dental visit?" And Nardo asked, "Why? My teeth don't hurt!" Everett said, "Dude! You totally have to go to the dentist every six months, for a professional cleaning. And to check for cavities!" Nardo said, "If I had cavities, my teeth would hurt!" Everett said, "Not necessarily. But it's okay. You don't need your muscles."

    Nardo said, "Wait! Muscles? What do muscles gotta do with teeth!" Everett said, "Well, if you wait until your teeth hurt dude, next thing you know, you have an infected tooth. You get a swollen up face, and you're too weak to leave the house, let alone go to the gym. Then by the time you drag yourself to the emergency room, dude, your muscles are all weak, and your girlfriend has moved to France."

    Nardo was getting all freaked out. "I don't wanna lose my muscles! I don't want Marjee to move to France! Check me for cavities!"

    Everett was shaking his head, all serious-like. "Sorry, but I don't have my dental equipment. And I'm far too drunk to do a proper check up anyway. I guess you'll just have to take your chances. I mean, there is one way I can tell. But you won't want to do it!"

    Nardo was like, "Don't mess with me just because I only have my grade ten! If there's a way to know, you've gotta do it!"

    So, I'll bet you know where this is going. Everett says he can tell if someone has cavities by making out with him. Nardo turned green, but he was determined not to lose his muscles. So he did it! He made out with Everett! Then Everett told him he doesn't have cavities now, but one of his teeth was weak and he should make an appointment for preventative care.

    Then Nardo ran back to the washroom and used mouthwash, then did like 2000 pushups before he passed out. Because too much liquor + too many pushups = passout. So then it was just Everett and me.

    He said, "A toast to me!" We did a toast with orange liquer and I gave him the $20 I owed him. Then, out of nowhere, Everett said, "Marjee, could I see your boobs?" I said "Sure," and I took off my top.

    Just then, Howard kind of woke up. He said, "What's going on here?" I was in a silly mood, so I said, "Oh, he's just checking to see if he's still gay." Howard goes, "And?" And Everett says, "Well, look at those lovely breasts. I don't even want to touch them. I guess I'm still gay." Howard said, "Oh, that's nice," and passed out again. By then, the sun was starting to rise, so I called a taxi and Everett helped me drag Nardo to the cab. The cabbie then helped me get Nardo into our apartment.

    Nardo didn't remember a thing this morning!

    Marjee

     
  • At 9:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m @ lola's dessert house sharing chocolate pie w/gerald. the last part of mom's surprise was "u shdn't let yr new hairdo & cute new clothes go 2 waste!" so mom arranged a lil dessert d8 w/ger. she's sending a car 4 us @ 11!

    apes

     
  • At 12:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Gerald's Tips For Wooing:

    1. Invent little endearing pet names to call your beloved. Be inventive. Girls like to be compared to flowers.

    2. Use old-school wooing methods. Ballroom dancing is a sure way to spark romance. Women also men who write mushy poetry.

    3. Don't be very sexist, but women like a strong and forceful man who will take charge and tell them how to act.

    4. Consult your elders for dating tips. Grandfathers and great-great-uncles know all about old-school romance.

    5. Try to keep your parents out of your love life. They will mess it up every time.

    Gerald

     
  • At 1:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    Boozhoo (Hello). I was embarrassed what I wrote to you yesterday. How could I ever have doubted your sister? There was no change in our plans to go to White River and see my parents, while Elizabeth is waiting the 2 hours for the bus to arrive to take her to Milborough. I feel very foolish for even thinking there would be.

    I am very excited to have Elizabeth meet my family. I’ve been saying “There’s a girl in my life!” to them, ever since I met Elizabeth. Family is very important to me, so it is also important that my family gets to meet someone I feel so strongly for. I can honestly say that when it comes to your sister, I would do anything or go anywhere for her. I know it seems a little fast to be so enthusiastic about someone that you only met last November 3, but sometimes when you meet someone, you just know it is right.

    I have a little poem I have written for your sister, I want to share with you:
    The planets may go ‘round the sun—
    But my world revolves around you!
    I knew from our matching jackets—
    My bright love light would shine so true.
    The way you used that telescope--
    To look at the stars through the view
    I said, “There’s a girl in my life.”
    I’m so glad that sweet girl is you.


    What do you think? Do you think Elizabeth will like it? I hope so.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 1:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Paul,

    I admire your love poem. Writing poetry for your intended is very old-school. Girls love that old-time romance.

    You have clearly been reading Gerald's Tips for Wooing.

    Flattered, Gerald

     
  • At 1:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    alexandra, i missed c-ing the ottawa/montreal game w/u. i planned 2 come ovah & watch hockey w/u, but my mom sed since m-boro iz so close 2 toronto theze dayz, my mom, my future sis & dad & i were going to go xmas shopping n TO. it wuz a madhouse & we just got back. i got rebeccah xmas parties scheduled the next 2 nites, so i can’t cu then either, just @skool. i will bring u sumthin’ @skool 2 make up 4 it. i got u a couple of thingz 2nite 4u & i think u will b getting’ 1 early 2 morrow. man, alexandra, i can b-lieve how much i miss u. i wish u coulda gone shoppin’ w/us, but my mom wuz sayin’ “jeremy, between the rebeccah gigz, skool & alexandra, we don’t get 2c u much.” so i hadta shop 2/them.

    i’ll cu 2morrow n skool w/ur gift.

     
  • At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Gerald,

    Boozhoo (Hello). I do not think I have written to you before. Thank you for the compliment on my poem. I hope Elizabeth likes it as much as you did. I did not read your Tips For Wooing, but I will. The Ojibwe have a tradition of writing poems for the ones we love.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 2:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Paul,

    You don't have to be ashamed of reading and following my tips for wooing. Many men come to me for advice concerning romance.

    For you, I recommend the old Puritan practice of "bundling." April and I enjoy it very much.

    During bundling, the happy couple lies down in bed very close together, facing each other. They leave their clothes on, or wear their jammies. Then the parents of one of the members of the couple place a body-length board between them. This keeps the bedmates from performing perverted acts.

    Usually, for extra insurance that the bedtime session will be innocent fun and not an opportunity for sordid sexual congress (also known in some circles as "doing it," "screwing," "bumping uglies," or "hiking"), the boy is sewn into a linen bag that restrains and covers his body parts from the waist down.

    If you are very lucky, Mrs. Patterson will allow above-the-waist nudity. However, if you give her reason to distrust you, she will make your bundling bag long enough to restrain you from the neck down.

    I hope you enjoy your bundling session. Let me know how it goes!

    Your confidante, Gerald

     
  • At 2:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Gerald,

    Boozhoo (Hello). The bundling is a very interesting suggestion. I will bear it in mind when I see Elizabeth. The Ojibwe have a very similar tradition, we call mazhiwe. Elizabeth and I have participated in this ancient Ojibwe tradition many times and we like it very much. Thank you for sharing your tradition with me.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 2:50 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I am sure by now you have heard this story, but I need to tell you my part of it. As you may recollect, your mother scheduled an appointment for a shampoo at the salon at which I work. You had forewarned me of this, so I was a little worried about what your mother, Krystle, might do.

    Krystle got into the shampooing line with the other old ladies and patiently waited her turn for a shampoo. When her turn came, she said to me, “I want one of those shampoos like you gave Elly Patterson, with the orgasm that made her look so good.” I said, “Elly Patterson is very different from you. You’ve had an orgasm in the last 15 years. She probably hasn’t. In fact I remember giving you several the time you used that werewolf pheromone on me.” Your mom said, “Oh, that was great. Too bad it doesn’t work any more on you. You’re not still mad about that are you, Howie? Why don’t you forgive and forget?” I said, “The way you forgive and forget Becky for accidentally setting up Dr. McCauley to be beaten up?” She said, “Oh, shut it Howie and give me my orgasm.”

    I started my usual method of shampooing / scalp massage, but Krystle said, “Oh this is nothing special. Cmon, Howie, you can do better than that.” So I tried my tantric scalp massages on her and still no reaction. Then I went to the tried and true super extra special, sure fire, never fail scalp massage to her head while singing Bobby Curtola music and your mother yawned and said, “I think you are overrated, Howie.” Then an idea occurred to me that I had not thought of before. I started using a very disciplined massage technique taught me by a priest a long time ago. The idea is to massage the scalp while maintaining a chaste separation in thought. You use very tight concentric circles, very precise. It seemed to work. Your mother started moaning Latin phrases, “Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison” which grew louder and louder until she climaxed by saying, “Gratia plena.” Then Marjee came over to get Krystle for her cut. Fortunately Marjee refused to shave the top of Krystle’s hair to make it like a monk’s bowl-shaped haircut with tonsure. She left the shop saying, “There are so many rights to be wronged. I think I will start by donating food to a women’s shelter.” I hope I didn’t mess up your mom too much, Becky.

    Howard

     
  • At 2:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Paul,

    According to my new Ojibwe to English dictionary, "mazhiwe" means "sexual intercourse," "coitus," or, in the vernacular, "a home run."

    Coitus is not one of the old-fashioned methods of wooing a woman. Therefore, I cannot recommend it.

    Proceed at your own risk.

    Sincerely, Gerald

     
  • At 3:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Gerald,

    Boozhoo (Hello). Your translation is correct. I prefer the traditions of my people. I am sure that when you think about it, you will prefer them also to bundling.

    Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
    Constable Paul Wright

     
  • At 3:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Paul,

    I prefer bundling because I respect my lady friend's traditional wish to remain a virgin. Maybe you are lucky that your tradition is to be a slut, but I will honor our own traditions.

    Sincerely, Gerald

     
  • At 4:53 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    This has been an interesting evening. I got a call from Becky saying that her mom had started flagellating herself and I needed to come and fix her. So, I rushed over to her house. When I got into the house, Becky and her mother were struggling with some sort of makeshift whip. Becky’s mother was saying, “He predicted that He and His disciples would be scourged and so the prophecy must come true.” I grabbed the whip out of her hand, and she said, “Do not interfere with the will of God.” It was at this point I whipped out my secret weapon that I had prepared and brought with me – chocolate-dipped fresh strawberries. Becky’s mother said, “The food of the damned.” I said, “Red symbolizes the blood, shed for you. Chocolate symbolizes that Jesus is love.” Becky’s mother said, “You do not tempt me. Stand behind me, Satan.” Then I started to eat one very slowly, licking off the chocolate and biting into the strawberry so the juices flowed over my chin. Then I said, “At the wedding in Canaa, Jesus changed water to the fermented fruit of the vine. What would Jesus do? Eat the strawberry or let the fruit created by God go to waste?” I could Krystle weakening as I started licking my second strawberry. Finally it was more than Krystle could take and she pounced on me and began ravenously devouring the chocolate-dipped strawberries. After she was done she said, “Why are my clothes all in a pile on the chesterfield? Becky! Put those up this instant! How many times have I told you not to mess with my stuff?” Becky was so happy her mom was back, she started putting away the clothes without making any remarks.

    I am going to have to be more careful with my shampooing. Sorry Becky, for making so much trouble.

    Howard

     
  • At 8:52 AM, Blogger duncan anderson said…

    Oh man oh man oh man. I was in yr bed 'cos yr dad found me sleeping in the snow fort in yr yard. I talked 2 Beckers cousin she said 4 $50K we cld charter a private jet 2 Barbados an' that rilly bummed me an' I guess I sorta borrowed 1 of my 'rents bottles of Bajan rum. Aft yr mom burned brekkie yr dad loaned me 1 of his coats 2 go 2 skool in. I went 2 skool but I didnt want 2 go 2 classes in Gers uniform its now xtra xtremly nasty so I hid an' listened 2 Shannon talk 2 her 'puter d00d instead.

    NEway, when I went back 2 yr place aft skool 2 get my dads coat back yr mom was there, she was all, Merry Xmas Duncan, Happy New Year Duncan, an' she had a present 4 me fr Mr. an' Mrs. P. an' the pets its a new Razr fone. Xtra bonus she had all my uniforms back fr the drycleaners an' had my dads coat drycleaned rush an' paid 4 it all. She said it was a "special Xmas surprise 4 a very special young man." I was way 2 happy 2 b freaked.

    When I got home I logged in2 my dads eBay acct an' put my new Xbox up 4 sale, cash only, pick up Mboro. I checked this am an' the biddings already up 2 $1600.00. Cube!

    L8r.

     

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