Mom calls herself "stewpid idiot"!
Still not talkin' abt the vacuuming. NOT. I son't say how I noticed a weird noise in the basement, leading Mom to discover that "the central vac canister was left open! All the dust has been going in2 the house!" And I won't mention how she yelled all this with her mouth open really wide, her eyez scrunched tite, her tongue stickin' out. Nope, not gonna. But I will point out she screamed "YOU STEWPID IDIOT!" (Note that non-standard spelling.) I'm pointing it out cuz of course I thot she was callin' me a "stewpid idiot", so I told her it "I didn't do it." & she got that glowerin'-eyez look & sed, "I know. I did." LOL! Mom called herself a stewpid idiot.
Becks doesn't want me getting in2 all those deets abt what went down last nite re. Ger's 'rents & the "vitamins" & Dr. Ted & Dr. Schlanger. Remember, we don't know NEthing abt Dr. Ted's whereabouts. Nuthin', uh-uh. & thanx, Becks & Howard. I think Ger will really thank U when everything sinx in. I guess I can't blame him 4 not wanting 2 believe all that, but Ger, don't B callin' Becks a liar! She's got yr back!
Also, Ger. The pinkyswear still standz. Sorry!
Apes
Becks doesn't want me getting in2 all those deets abt what went down last nite re. Ger's 'rents & the "vitamins" & Dr. Ted & Dr. Schlanger. Remember, we don't know NEthing abt Dr. Ted's whereabouts. Nuthin', uh-uh. & thanx, Becks & Howard. I think Ger will really thank U when everything sinx in. I guess I can't blame him 4 not wanting 2 believe all that, but Ger, don't B callin' Becks a liar! She's got yr back!
Also, Ger. The pinkyswear still standz. Sorry!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:33 AM
15 Comments:
At 9:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i guess this xxplains the dust cloud that wuz ovah ur house the othah day or wuz it 2day? i dunno. i wuld b more concerned 'bout the air pollution, but i am v.v. happy this morning. wen i saw alexandra this mornin’ she pulled me aside & laid the best kiss i have evah had on me. it wuz 1 of thoze toe-curling kisses, i know, cuz aftahwardz, i actually had 2 take my shoez off & uncurl my toez. i dunno y she did it, but lemme tell u, w/kisses like that, i dunno wut 2 say. i am rilly lucky. thass all. rilly, rilly lucky & rilly happy.
At 9:33 AM,
April Patterson said…
that's cube, jeremy. nope, the vac stuff didn't happen 2day. couple-few dayz ago, tho i'm losing track. this xplainz y howard still had so much vaccing 2 do, tho.
apes
At 12:09 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Gordon and Tracey Mayes have been having several “family” meetings this morning with respect to the Israeli mob kidnapping Dr. McCauley last night. I have been trying to listen in, but it has been difficult. Did you know there is a soundproof room at the back of Mayes Midtown Motors? I had cleaned in there, but I didn’t realize that it was soundproofed until today. You know this would be a good test of my doggy hearing, if I was still a dog. I wonder if it is soundproofed enough for doggy ears. Well, I suppose that’s beside the point, since I am not a dog anymore.
Oh! Some big guys have just brought Dr. Schlanger in and are taking him into the soundproofed room. I will post to you later.
Howard
At 1:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
dang, alex, i nevr get 2 hear how that "nantucket" pome ends. cuz whenevr sum1 starts it, sum1 else is all, "stop, stop, stop!"
wanna review geog stuff after school 2day? i have a yrbook mtg, but we shd b dun by 4.
apes
At 2:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, sorry 'bout the nantucket thing. i sounded like 1 of thoze geography poemz. i didn't misspell stupid az stewpid on the spellin' test. i've been called that name often enuff 2 know how 2 spell it.
the next tyme we study 2gethah, mebbe it shuld b w/o the tv b-ing on. i usedta uze a kiss method of studyin' 2 ncourage me 2 learn w/sum ex-sumtymes-gf who shall not b named. it wuz v.v. effective 2 get me 2 pass tests, but w/the way u kissed me this mornin', i wuld b like a freakin' genius or sumthin'.
april usedta uze the kiss method 2 study also so she can tell u if it's a gud method or not. & no, april wuz not the ex-gf who tot it 2 me. april haz nevah been my gf.
april, i cud tell u the whole nantucket thing, but geranium mite smash me. so, mebbe alexandra cud tell u, wen u study w/her.
At 2:09 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
Dr. Schlanger has come out of the sound-proofed room wearing lederhosen and crying. I heard Gordon say, "Ja. He was tough to get to talk. We had to use the schnitzel torture." Tracey said, "All right, Gordon. Let's go visit Dr. and Mrs. Forsythe now. We have to get to the bottom of this." They left and the two big guys drove away with Dr. Schlanger. I will keep you updated on what I hear.
Howard
At 2:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
::smacking self on head::
sorry becks! gah, i'm so lame! i totally thot we only needed 2 keep the "bases" thing a secret fr. dr. f, not ger. i figured ger wda read that part where u wrote it was all a lie in the 1st place, but was just pretending otherwise. i'm sorry. u r rite, i suck @ this undercover stuff. i will check w/u b4 i undo nething fr. now on. promise.
also, ger had come up 2 me today waggling his fingerz & sayin' he was ready 2 go 2 3rd base 2day! i panicked!
alex, no, ger won't b joining us 4 coffee cuz he has practice. hockey AND basketball!
apes
p.s. jeremy's rite--the kissing technique works v. well 4 studying.
At 2:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
u r rite, becks, we r alwayz in these crayzee sitches. i'll try 2 work on b-coming better @ this stuff. i know i've got lots 2 learn.
omg, abt dr. ted. pls keep us posted!
apes
p.s. that's ok abt the coffee, alex. we'll do coffee another time. who'm i kidding? lotsa other times!
At 2:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, i know wut u mean 'bout stoppin', but it works wen u know there r lots of thingz 2 get rite, so it's not rilly stopping, just a brief pause. if ur innerested we can try it out. i promise 2 keep 2 1 kiss per correct answer. plus i may needta straighten my toez aftah each kiss neway.
At 4:24 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks! u rock, yr such a badarse! that's so cube!
apes
At 5:41 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I have some bad news. I just got out of a meeting with Gordon and Tracey Mayes. They called me into their office and asked me to sit down.
Gordon said, “I just got 2 very interesting phone calls. The first one was from Becky McGuire. She was demanding to know how I knew Dr. McCauley needed to be rescued from the Israeli mob. On an open phone line and everything, she is asking me these questions. Without admitting anything about the Israeli mob, I told her a cock-and-bull story about Dr. P missing Dr. McCauley at work and how we checked around with Dr. McCauley’s friends to see if they knew where he was. Now, Howard, you know we love Dr. P around here as our not-so-silent partner, but Dr. McCauley could be missing for a year at work and Dr. P wouldn’t notice it. The thing that I found the most distressing was that the young Miss McGuire felt the need to threaten me to get this information. She said, ‘Don't mess with me. My dad's in a Québecois biker gang. My uncle Ralph has ties to the gay mafia.’ And then she mentioned you.” I gulped.
Gordon continued, “The second call was from Dr. Ted McCauley. He was wondering why his ‘family’ was not protecting him better. How the Israeli mob could just break in and kidnap him and toss him on a street like a sack of garbage after they were done. How his ‘family’ could allow someone like Becky McGuire to do these things to him. Dr. McCauley wants Becky taken care of. I told Dr. McCauley we don’t do that kind of thing to 14-year-old girls, but the guys who kidnapped him have been found and dealt with. I think it is fair to say that they have a new appreciation for a good schnitzel now.” I said, “Perhaps Dr. McCauley was mistaken in thinking Becky was responsible for that happening to him.”
Tracey took over and said, “I don’t think so. According to Dr. Forsythe, you and Miss McGuire broke into his house last night in order to replace medical supplies Dr. McCauley had arranged for Dr. Forsythe’s son with a saline solution. And according to Dr. Schlanger, Miss McGuire called him to arrange for the Israeli mob to make a hit on Dr. McCauley.” I said, “I don’t think Becky intended for Dr. McCauley to be killed.” Tracey said, “Howard. Don’t be stupid. You don’t call the Israeli mob in on someone just to threaten them a little. I worked like a dog to get you ignored by she who must not be named, and against my wishes you went and visited her anyway. I gave you a job, even though you deserted the job you had for 3 weeks. And now this. You let Miss McGuire bring the Israeli mob into Milborough, which goes against everything Gordon and I have worked for in this town. And you have a man beaten up by that mob for no other reason than he is a little overzealous in his prescriptions. If you had just mentioned the problem with Gerald Delaney –Forsythe to me, I would have fixed the whole thing and there would have been no Israeli mob involvement and no one would have been hurt. Where is the trust Howard? Where is the love? Is this how you repay me for all I have done for you?” I said I was terribly sorry to have caused her all that trouble. She said, “You are a loose cannon, Howard. As much as I like you, I can no longer be associated with you. You attract the wrong kind of attention and you do not use any common sense. This money is your severance. Pack up any things you may have here. Your car is repaired at no cost. Take it and leave. Please do not come back, even for car repairs.” I took the money and left. The good news is my car looks better than ever. The bad news is that I am once again, unemployed.
Howard
At 6:28 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I don't think you have anything to worry about with Dr. McCauley trying to bump you off. The Mayes said no to that idea and Dr. McCauley is not going to cross them. See you when you get here. I am making some good pity food. Lots of chocolate in it and certainly more than I should eat by myself.
Howard
At 7:50 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i m so sorry u lost yr job. as soon as i read yr posts, i made sum chocolate mousse, & u shda seen my mom droolin' all ovr herself @ the site & smell of it. no, on 2nd thot, u r better off not c-ing a site like that. neway, i'm on my way ovr w/the mousse. i had 2 sic the dogz on ma 2 keep her fr. gobblin' them up.
apes
At 7:56 PM,
howard said…
April,
Believe me, when I worked at Krystle's Kakes and Pies and at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant, I had the opportunity to see your mother drool many times. It was not a sight I looked forward to. I am, however, looking forward to seeing you. Becky and I have launched into the chocolate cookies while the German chocolate cake is cooling, but we will save you a few.
Howard
At 11:52 PM,
howard said…
April,
That mousse was sooo good. I hope you made it home OK. I can barely walk, I am so full of chocolate. Thanks for coming over. Becky is groaning and holding her stomach and lying down on the chesterfield. I think that is where she is staying tonight.
She tried calling home earlier, but judging from her mother's tone on the phone decided it would be better to stay here until she cooled down. Apparently, Becky's mom finally clued in that Becky's "gambler's anonymous intervention" for Dr. McCauley was not a bachelor party and was not quiet about Becky's "lack of respect for her soon-to-be stepfather."
Not to worry. I will get Becky up in time for school. I haven't had a chance to cook breakfast for Becky in awhile, so it should be fun. As a dog, it was fun to get fed all the time, and I never seemed to mind that it was the same dog food over and over again. As a human, it is fun to cook different things.
Thanks again for the mousse,
Howard
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