Blah blah blah
After Mike an' Dee an' the kidz left last nite, Mom noticed the stair were lookin' schmutzy, so she decided 2 vacuum them. She wasn't using the central vac, tho, so I asked her Y. Mom was all, "I'm just doing the stairs, so this is easier." And I pointeded out, "But it doesn't reach as far", 2 which Ma sed, "Exactly". Then I saw she had one o' those thot bubz over her head, w/ "When I get out the central vac, I end up doing the whole house." Yeah, can't have that, Ma. Gotta save that job 4 Lil 'Pril's Big List O' Chores, eh?
U know what? I dunno Y I even told U that. It's, like, so not blog-worthy (tm Alex). I don't know what came ovr me. Sorry, peeps. BTW, I had 2 use the back door 2 get outta the house, cuz that st00pid snow-wall Dad & Mike put up in front of the house? Still there.
So there was a riot last nite @ the prison where Becks had her gig. Crayzee! But I M glad Becks & Jeremy didn't get hurt!
Not much else 2 tell U abt @ the mo.
Apes
U know what? I dunno Y I even told U that. It's, like, so not blog-worthy (tm Alex). I don't know what came ovr me. Sorry, peeps. BTW, I had 2 use the back door 2 get outta the house, cuz that st00pid snow-wall Dad & Mike put up in front of the house? Still there.
So there was a riot last nite @ the prison where Becks had her gig. Crayzee! But I M glad Becks & Jeremy didn't get hurt!
Not much else 2 tell U abt @ the mo.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 8:18 AM
28 Comments:
At 12:11 PM,
howard said…
April,
We got back to Milborough late last night. When we arrived at Becky’s house the press was there waiting for her, including your brother and that guy who takes pictures for him, I forget his name. They started asking Becky questions as soon as she got out of the car. “Becky, is it true that you are actively supporting lait frais for gay, Québecois, prisoners?” Becky said, “I think they should have lait frais instead of lait très gate. You shouldn’t have to drink sour milk. That will make you sick.” Another reporter said, “How about prisoners who aren’t gay or aren’t in Québec? Do you support fresh milk for them too?” And Becky said, “Really, I don’t think anybody should have to drink sour milk.” Then Becky got this look on her face and said, “Drinking sour milk is like having your music store robbed. The Milborough Music was robbed just recently and in honour of those gay, Québecois prisoners, who just recently regained their rights to drink lait frais, I am going to make a monetary donation to Milborough Music to help them through the financial difficulties they have suffered from being robbed.” I whispered to Becky, “You are really sneaky.” She said, “I know.”
Then your brother popped up and said, “Portrait Magazine has an exclusive interview with Rebeccah McGuire. The rest of you guys back off!” Becky got on the defensive and said, “No way, Mike. I never signed anything with you guys.” Mike said, “I’ll make sure you get front page of Portrait.” Becky said to the other reporters, “Yeah. Portrait Magazine has the exclusive.” We got inside the house and Mike said, “Thanks, Becky. We can do this interview right in your house and I can make sure that it gets into Portrait before I quit the magazine if in fact I do decide to quit or have already quit and just not told anyone.” I said, “Huh?” Becky said, “Huh?” The photographer said, “I can take pictures while you talk. Do you mind showing a little skin?” Becky said, “I’m not a slut.” The photographer said, “Look at this picture of Lindsay Lohan on this magazine.” Becky said, “Wow! I guess I should change.” After a few minutes Becky came back wearing an outfit quite a bit more revealing (but still classy, you know). Your brother asked questions for about an hour and left, saying that the article would appear in the next issue of Portrait, which would come out before he quit Portrait, if he hadn’t already quit it. I really can’t tell you what will come out in the magazine since he asked enough questions to fill quite a few articles. I hope that the questions asking Becky about her opinion on whether cranky downstairs neighbours should have lait frais are edited out. Becky may have more to say about the interview.
After Mike and the photographer left, Becky got a call from the Fédération des producteurs de lait du Québec. Apparently, they are interested in “Rebeccah” shooting a commercial for them. They have yet to work out the details, but I think they want to work fast to capitalize on the publicity from the prison riot. After Becky finished speaking to them, her mother walked out of her bedroom and said, “Good. You’re already up. I need you to help me at the bakery before you go to school.” I had to leave. Becky may be really sleepy at school, so be kind.
Howard
At 12:19 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, i let becks have sum coffee fr. my thermos. i alwayz have coffee! i hope my bro pullz it 2gether 2 do an article that's not, like, illiterate. &, like, all abt him. fingerz crossed.
alex, i hope yr mom isn't as picky abt the dishes as my mom is. & if she is, i hope yr dad is smart enuf not 2 bother trying 2 load the dishwasher. cuz it will alwayz be "wrong".
apes
At 12:19 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wish my mom wud talk 'bout vacuumin'. wen i got home last nite, i got an earful 'bout how becky mcguire iz gonna get me killed sumday & y did i hafta 2 choose musick 4 a career. she thinks a career az a sperm washer iz a lot safer, since that's wut she & my future dad both do. man, i am rilly tired 2day & rebeccah & i have a lotta gigz between now & xmas. ho-ho-ho!
At 1:25 PM,
howard said…
April,
Your mother was in at Mayes Midtown Motors talking to Tracey Mayes about a house and the older couple who lives in it and if Tracey knew any way that the house could be up for sale. She said something about the enlightening realization that your house is too big because of its central vacuum. Tracey said she would look into it, but then after she left, she came over to me. She said, “I hate it whenever Mrs. P does housework. She does a little cleaning and then comes over here to complain about how her house is too big and how she wants me force this little old couple to move out of a house she and Mr. P want. It’s been going on for months. I keep telling her that paying someone to clean her house would be cheaper than moving, but she says that she would have to pre-clean before she brought someone in to clean, so there would be no purpose in bringing someone in to clean, when she is just going to clean it herself. I’m tired of listening to it. I want you to go to her house and give it a thorough vacuuming. Here’s the key.” So, if you come home and I am there vacuuming, please don’t be surprised.
Howard
At 3:38 PM,
April Patterson said…
so, howard was here vacuuming when i got home from school. i felt bad 4 all the aggro, so i'm making him a snack: spinach quiche. i can't believe my mom! it's not like she'd nevr have 2 vacuum @ that smaller place the odefoax live in!
neway, i've gotta go cuz my crust shd b ready abt now.
apes
At 4:14 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I'm done vacuuming April's house. Her central vac does not have much suction to it, so I can see why her mother does not like it. There was quite a bit of animal fur around. I got the impression that there are certain spots in the house where April's mom has not vacuumed in a long time.
April and I had some spinach quiche, she was so kind to make for a snack. I had forgotten from Thanksgiving that April is such a good cook. I was surprised that I would like vegetables instead of meat, but I did. I think my palate is reverting back to its old, pre-dog days. Other things are not. Edgar and Dixie seemed to recognize me from when I was a dog and they greeted me most enthusiastically and I found myself licking certain things in return greeting before I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. Dogs do not taste good to me now.
I am heading back to the Mayes Midtown Motors to finish working there, in case you need to find me. I have to do my usual nightly, keep-Dr. P-busy so the other staff will be happy and productive.
Howard
At 4:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra, ru comin' ovah 2 study & watch anaheim against the leafs? 2nite cud b the nite when ed belfour ovahtakes terry sawchuk 4 2nd place on the all-time winz list. or ru doin' more stuff w/eva?
At 4:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
pretending i didn't c howard licking the dogz. pretending i didn't c howard licking the dogz. pretending i didn't c howard licking the dogz. pretending i didn't c howard licking the dogz.
apes
At 5:24 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, my mom sez the hunnymoon iz the last tyme u get 2 go on a decent vacation. aftah that, u have a kid & u end up goin' 2 children'z museumz & parks & kid'z b-day parteez & nevah ne place fun. wen ur mom & dr. ted have kidz, u will learn all 'bout that.
oh, i think i got almost all the equipment workin' 4 ur next gig, but one of the amplifierz iz b-yond repair. we will needta uze ur old 1z. wen did they say we culd get n2 set up? i may need a little tyme 2 get it goin'.
At 5:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest Rebeccah,
A honeymoon is exciting because a man thinks it's great whenever he gets to put his penis in a woman's vagina. My dad says this is especially true for Milborough men, who do not get to do it that often.
April thinks my weekly sessions with my dad are a waste of time, but I think I'm learning a lot.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 5:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol, becks, u must b blockin' out when ger useta fall asleep in yr french class an' have the scaree sex dreamz, eh? i think every1 wants 2 block that. xcept mayB ger himself.
apes
At 5:45 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, i think honeymoons r also supposta b abt romance, an', like, they're supposta b special 4 both partners. not, like, one-sided.
& u yrself were sayin' those sessions were a wasta time, remember?
apes
At 5:46 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeh, u r rite that ger has been v. v. wired l8ly, becks! ger, is it natural or sumthin' else?
apes
At 6:01 PM,
April Patterson said…
that's cube, alex! :)
apes
At 6:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i just wanna post this 2u b4 alexandra & i go 2 partee @the c/w bar. alexandra love iz hott!! she iz wearin' a new outfit. ne guyz who c me w/her r gonna b jealous. ttyl.
At 6:38 PM,
howard said…
April,
Your father is now going through people's office trash cans, examining the refuse to try to determine what is the best "gift match” for them. I am walking with him taking notes. So far we have:
3 - Wallboard Tools Drywall Toolkit
4 – 2-Colour Painting Toolkit
2 - Multitaskit Laser Level Toolkit
1 - 3-piece 18 volt Cordless Toolkit
Wait, your dad just realized he didn’t remember which toolkit went with which trash can. We have to start over.
Howard
At 6:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
aw, man, howard, my 'rents r really makin' yr day suck! want me 2 trick him in2 not giving u a toolkit for xmas? mayB a carmen cd?
apes
At 7:01 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April,
You are correct in surmising that I am now drug-free! My mother says that those pills were causing me to become a sulky and useless teenager who was more like a Martian than a real child. So she flushed them and put me on a special diet that includes some wonderful energy-giving vitamin shots. Mom and my coaches both agree those vitamins are really giving me the winning edge. Have you noticed that I've grown about a foot since the school year began? It's all those vitamins!
I asked Dad some questions about honeymoons. He says that the man is happy about the sex part, and the woman is happy about the catching a husband part. Dad says there is rarely any sex after the honeymoon unless the woman wants a baby. This is because women only use sex to catch husbands. He says he knows this because he has counseled just about every man in Milborough and they all say the same thing.
Furthermore, Dad says that this is the way things are supposed to be between women and men, because that's how the Witch of Corbeil decreed it should be.
April, I'm on my way over to your house. I want you to hold me. I'm scared.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 7:06 PM,
howard said…
April,
Thanks for the offer, but I already have several Carmen CDs. I think your dad has me marked down for a painting toolkit, which might be a very nice gift. You know a good toolkit has almost everything you need around the house. I am beginning to think your dad is right that these are great presents. I am thinking about giving a few out myself. Is there a toolkit you would like for Christmas? In fact, I would bet a good toolkit would make Gerald and Becky both feel a lot better. I think I'll pick some up and drop them by your house on the way home from work.
Howard
At 7:09 PM,
April Patterson said…
man, ger, u r scaring me, 2! mayB we just really, really hafta get our arses outta mboro as soon as we grad hs.
mayB i cd use summa thoze vitamin shots, esp. since i had that bad shrinking episode, b4.
oh well, @ least ma's having dinner w/connie & anne while dad doez his bizarro gift matching!
oh, knock @ the door! prolly ger! or becks!
apes
At 7:12 PM,
April Patterson said…
hm, howard, i wonder if u r having that thing where u start thinkin' like the person u've just spent time w/? remember when that useta happ 2 u? mayB it's a sign u r getting better. ger sez hi, by the way. he's getting the pop an' chips ready.
oh, another knock @ the door! gotta b becks!
apes
At 7:23 PM,
howard said…
April,
Hi to Gerald. “That thing where you start thinking like the person you've just spent time with”? That statement is very confusing. Are you talking about my agreeing with your father about toolkits being a good gift? It could just be that he is a very intelligent man and knows what he is talking about when it comes to toolkits. They do make marvelous gifts.
You know, I always thought you were a reasonable individual, but you seem to over react to everything now. I never know when you will take offence to something I said, especially when I am just kidding you. You’re not crying now are you? Your dad says you cry a lot now. Maybe I should get you a tissue toolkit.
Howard
At 7:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, breathe! here's a test, ok? when u get home, take a nice shower, put on yr robe, put on yr favourite cd, do yr fave relaxation routine.
then re-read that post u just wrote & lemme know whether these r thots u r still harbouring.
fwiw, i'm not crying or taking offence.
becks wants 2 call mike & ask him questions abt his hmoon, lol!
apes
At 7:34 PM,
howard said…
April,
Your dad just left for home, I think. I have a real bugger of a headache for some reason. I need to lie down.
Howard
At 9:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
man, alex, u r lucky u r not fr mboro. i m so bummed! :(
apes
At 10:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Rebecca,
Thank you for the compliments on my muscles. I will be happy to cuddle with you the next time I am in mortal fear for my future sex life.
My coaches say that if I just keep it up with the vitamin shots, that I will soon be ripped beyond belief. They also say that they are really impressed that I still have perfect skin. I guess sometimes the shots cause the dreaded black acne.
In fact, I feel so full of vim and vigor that after I left April's house tonight, I walked the long way home. I was over by Howard's place when I saw this big ferocious beast skulking near the curb. I threw myself upon it and beat the crap out of it with my fists until it was subdued. It was only then that I noticed the "beast" was actually Howard's car. Sorry, Howard. Send me a bill for the repairs, and I will pay you back out of my allowance. It might take me awhile, though. Sorry--I don't know what got into me there.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 1:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, i had the best nite w/alexandra. that outfit she had wuz, man, i dunno wut 2 say. she wuz freakin’, drop-dead gorgeous n it. wen we got 2 the c/w bar, peeps were literally turnin’ ‘round 2 luk @her wen she walked by. i’ve gotta b the luckiest guy alive 2b her bf. i didn’t evn mind the usual jokes peeps made ‘bout me d8in’ my daughter. wen we got on the dance floor, we just stayed up there. i knew if we sat down, sum othah guy wuz gonna ask her 2 dance. so we danced ‘till alexandra sed her feet hurt. then we tuk the city bus back home & i walked her 2 her place. i held her n my armz 4 the longest tyme n fronta her door, ‘till her dad came 2 the door & sed, “go home germany. ur gonna make my daughter sick stayin’ outside so long.” i have this ache n my chest, just thinkin’ ‘bout alexandra & i don’t think it’s frum dinner or the cold. duz gerald make u feel this way?
At 1:49 AM,
howard said…
Gerald,
I will send your father a bill for the repairs, once the mechanics at Gordon’s Garage finish with it. Gordon Mayes has given me a loaner motorcycle to use while he is having my car repaired. I don’t know what was going through your head when you attacked my car, but I have certainly had enough going through my head lately, it would be hypocritical of me to complain about you. You might want to go to Dr. Patterson for some dental work. There were some pretty serious bite marks in the metal of my car.
Howard
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