Let's Reminisce!
Liz an' I were chatting on the phone recently, and she remembered something that happened when I was four & she was 14 (my age now, peeps!). Liz didn't mean 2 make me paranoid or NEthing, but she found herself noticing, while looking at the bathroom sink, that "If U lk down on the taps, they look like eyez, the faucet is the nose, and the drain's the mouth!!" Then she noticed a lite switch that also looked like a face. Then she found a face by looking at the cabinets. And another by looking @ the fireplace. She noticed the same thing abt a doorknob, and she was all, "Man! This whole place is full of faces!!!!" L8r, Dad saw me lookin' all freaked out, and he was all, "Hi there, April....Is something wrong?" And I was like, "Uh huh... The house is WATCHING me!" I don't remember NE of this, but Liz remembers it well. And she sez that Dad totally yelled @ her l8r, 4 making me all paranoid abt the house having faces that were watching my every move. Mom just laffed tho. With her tongue sticking out.
BTW, I think I did a real dumb thing. I think I had a really weak moment & sent Shannon an e-mail. It was the nite I finished that English paper. I was so delirous, I actually used the phrase "book report" in the e-mail, I think. St00pid Mom planted it there when she was like hangin' all over me an' bein' a pest. NEway, I'm pretty sure the e-mail I sent was dull as dirt. So I hope Shannon will B so disgusted that she stops stalkin' me & trying 2 B my new BFF.
Apes out
BTW, I think I did a real dumb thing. I think I had a really weak moment & sent Shannon an e-mail. It was the nite I finished that English paper. I was so delirous, I actually used the phrase "book report" in the e-mail, I think. St00pid Mom planted it there when she was like hangin' all over me an' bein' a pest. NEway, I'm pretty sure the e-mail I sent was dull as dirt. So I hope Shannon will B so disgusted that she stops stalkin' me & trying 2 B my new BFF.
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 8:08 AM
22 Comments:
At 10:38 AM,
Anonymous said…
Apes,
I hope u don't mind, Alex was tellin' me yesterday abt the time she went over to ur house & u hung out n ur room. I think it was aftr u went shoppin' for ur new coat. NEhow, she was telling me abt some of the things u had n ur room. Specifically, this super cute bunny that was laying on ur bed. Is the bunny ur sister's?
PS: Don't open NE attachments Shannon sends u.
At 11:08 AM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry, eva, i won't open ne attachments fr shannon.
the bunny alex saw is actually a replica of the one liz has fr when she was little. she brot hers 2 mtig w/her, cuz it's still such a comfort object. she got me one of my own 2 help me miss her less.
which, btw, liz? i miss u soooo much! i m so glad u decided 2 come home 4 the holidays!
apes
At 11:46 AM,
April Patterson said…
Anonymous poster, I have moved your post here. Please see response there, and feel welcome to follow up.
At 1:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
Apes,
This morning, around 11 or 10, Shannon walked up 2 me beaming from ear 2 ear. I didn't no Y & I was a little concerned becuz she hit Jeremy yesterday. I haven't done NEthing 2 her but mayB she didn't like the last set of lyrics I sent her, I wasn't sure. So this was our conversation:
Shannon: You...re...de...sp...ic...able!
(That's why I had to wash my face at school, btw.)
Me: What?! Why?!
Shannon (laughing): Na...w...I...m...ju...st...jok...ing!
Me: That's not funny! Do you even no what "despicable" means?!
Shannon: O...f...course! I...do! You...think...because...I...m...spec...ial...needs...I...don't... know...what...de...sp...ic...able!...means?! What's...it...mean?
Me: It's not nice, Shannon, you shouldn't call people names like that. Especially if you don't no what it means.
Shannon: I...know...what...it...means!
Me: You just said.
Shannon: You...think...
Me (cutting her off): I'm not going through this with you again. Who told you to call me that?
Shannon: Anon...y...mous.
Me: Anonymous is not a name, Shannon. You call someone "Anonymous" when they want to stay a secret or you don't know or you can't remember their name.
Shannon: You...think...I...can't...reme...mber...a...person's...name...be ...cause...I...m...special...needs?
Me: No, I'm explaining the definition of anonymous.
Shannon: I...know...Anonymous.
Me: Okay, see, that's my point ... Never mind. Don't call people names if you don't know what you're actually saying. I have to go wash my face.
Shannon: Can...I...come?
Me: To the washroom with me?
Shannon: You...think...because...I'm...special...needs...
Me (cutting her off): I think people would start to talk if they saw you and I going into the washroom together.
Shannon: Are...you...em...barr...ass..ed...by...me?
Me: Only when it comes to the idea that we're girlfriends. I'm going to be late for class.
Shannon: I'll...be...a...good...girl...friend.
I went 2 the washroom on the other side of the skool ... Just so she didn't follow me in.
PS: U don't think she meant anything by being a good girlfriend, do u?
At 2:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i wuz walkin’ n between classes & shannon sidled up 2 me & sed, “jeremy…can…u…help…me…w/…sumthing?” i sed, “aauugh! don’t sneak on me like that. my eye still hurts frum yestahday.” shannon sed, “well, …u…shudn’t…have…taken…down…my… posters. i…have…progressed…frum…b-ing…weak…&…helpless.” i sed, “ok. i’ll c whatevah it iz az long az u promise not 2 hit or humiliate me.” so she tuk me n2 the integrated program room & punched on her computer & this guy’z voice sed, “{loud}hey, shannon {normal} how are you? i just finished my book report. {rilly loud} bora ink {normal} i am in my room. don’t feel like doing anything else, so i’m gong now crash. see you at school to more row. {loud} ‘bye {normal} april.”
i sed, “wut iz that?” shannon sed, “it’s…my…first…e-mail…frum…april. justin…iz…having…a…hard…tyme…w/spots…of…it. can…u…tell…me…wut…it…says?” i sed, “ok. first of all it luks like april likes 2 use exclamation points n strange places like ‘bye’. she also puts hyphens n strange places 2. ‘bora ink’ iz ‘bo-ring.’ ‘to more row’ iz ‘to-morrow.’ she used ‘gonna,’ which justin called ‘gong now,’ cuz ‘gonna’ iz not a real word.” so i retyped ur e-mail w/proper words & punctuation, so shannon cud unnerstand it wen justin readz it. shannon sed, “thanx, …spelling…boy. i…knew…u…cud…help…me.” i sed, “ur welcome. i gotta go 2 class.”
At 3:03 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, i saw shannon in the hall after u helped her w/the e-mail. she was all, "i got....yr e-mail,...april." & i was like, "oh, that. sorry it was so boring!" & she sed, "it...was...pretty...boring. ....but that's ok...i don't mind....boring...as...long as...i get...e-mail. no...1..ever...sends me...e-mail. xcept eva an'...alex an'...those helpful...ppl who...tell me...i can...get...ch.e@p v1@Gr.A...or...pen1L3 en.h@nce.meNt."
so, time 2 catch the schoolbus! then home & lilliput's. oooh, fun!
apes
At 5:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i hadta do my detention n the integrated program room again. i asked ms. conasse, where charmaine lebuke & ben haffermass were, since they had detection all week. she sed, “i have made a special project outa thoze 2. shannon lake haz volunteered 2 supervize u again, which iz v.v. nice of her, since u were cot tearin’ down her posterz.” after ms. conasse left, shannon sed, “ur…task…2day…iz…2…read…me…this…maga…zine.” she handed me a copy of spirit!, a magazine 4 exploring family issues & developmental disabilitiez. i sed, “y can’t justin read this 2u?” shannon sed, “we…don’t…have…the…disk…4…it. this…iz…my…mom’z…magazine. start…readin’…spellin’…boy.” so i started reading, “our goal n bringing spirit! 2u iz 4 it 2b a source of chizuk, nspiration, & education.” then i stopped & sed, “wut iz chizuk?” shannon sed, “the…word…“chizuk” …iz…hebrew…4… “strength”. it…meanz…strength…u…need…2…get…thru…a…hard…situation.” i sed, “so ur jewish?” shannon sed, “u…think…i…can’t…be…jewish, …don’t…u?” i sed, “i nevah thot ‘bout it till i read ur magazine.” shannon sed, “u…shoulda…figgered…it…frum…my…roket…picture. didn’t…u…notice…my…roket…wuz…circum…cised?” i sed, “r-o-c-k-e-t.” shannon sed, “keep…readin’…spellin’…boy. i…think…u…need…2…make…progress…n…the…way…u…portray…me…n…ur…head.” so, i red the magazine 2 shannon 4 an hour this tyme, since it wuz my second detention n a week. it wuz ok, xxcept 4 shannon lookin’ @me dreamy-eyed like the whole tyme i wuz reading & sighin’. gotta go. alexandra iz here 2 watch the flames play the devilz.
At 6:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, there wuz a commercial break & i red ur post. um, i can't go 2 horny tims till aftah the calgary flames game iz ovah. i told alexandra 'bout it & she sed, "thass nice, but the game iz on." so, if ur still there aftah the game iz ovah, we mite come ovah.
i'm a little confuzed. ru sayin' that afta all that, u nevah kissed howard dog urself? that meanz if u had kissed howard dog 1st, i wuldn'ta had 2 kiss him. i'm gonna try 2b cube 'bout that.
eh, so iz howard gonna be ur new bf now? i guess thass cube, since lindsay lohan wuz kissin' on bruce willis that one tyme @that party wen she wuz under 18. cud b a gud career move, i guess. tell howard man, congrats 4 me. cu afta the game iz ovah.
At 6:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
i m writing this fr. horny tim's. we r celebrating cuz howard's human again. wow, becks, 2 think u cda just kissed him in the 1st place, but u nevr imagined u'd b his tru luv! neway, dunc, ger, eva, marjee, maynard, an' vicks r here. shannon followed me here fr. my house, but her mom, who musta been driving around trying 2 figure out where she was, dragged her home.
alex, come by the store 2morrow afternoon when my mom's not there (important "bizness" 2 take care of). i'll show her where we keep the hockey & other sports books. my mom is such a foob!
apes
At 6:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
rebeccah, it bettah b platonic. i know that nething else othah than kissin' wud b bad 4 ur career. bruce willis & lindsay lohan denied the kissin' evn happed. u wunt controversy, but not reality. thass wut my dad alwayz sez, neway.
az 4 true luv, who knowz? i'm not rilly up on that tru luv stuff. i am a guy, aftah all. u prolly need 2 ask ur mom, since it turned out she wuz rite 'bout the kiss thing all along.
lemme know if u guyz r still there aftah the game iz ovah.
At 6:51 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, an' of course becky & howard r here 2, but i thot that went w/o saying!
apes
p.s. ger & i never have our, um, meetings under the bleachers, but i heard that julia jameson and bradley o'reilly-foxworth commune there all the time. so, like, i think shannon mighta been spying on them by mistake. but, u know, it doesn't make me feel v. gd that shannon was trying 2 spy on us!
At 6:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, u will hafta tell us when the game is ovr cuz we don't, like, have it on @ horny tim's!
apes
At 7:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Becky,
My mom says one of the most important refinements of society is the practice of sending little notes of congratulations and condolence and whatnot.
I am sorry your dog died. He was a nice dog. He was also a good kisser. I hope you get a new dog, when you have properly grieved your loss and are ready.
I am very glad to hear that your friend Howard came back to life. I will never forget the time that Howard took me down to Team Theme to get a properly-fitting jock cup. He is a nice man and I was sad the whole time he was dead. I was surprised you would keep that dog as a pet after it ate Howard. Is that why you ended up killing it?
Thank you for inviting me to your celebration party at Horny Tims. I had a nice time. I guess you must have really hated your dog if you're celebrating his death. So probably you won't want to get a new one after all, right?
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 7:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i dunno if this iz possible, but can u str8en out geriatric's brain? i'm not all that smart, & i still know howard dog & howard man were the same howard.
eh, i asked alexandra wen the game wuz ovah & she sed, "the games starts @7:30, so 'bout 10:30." i sed, "7:30? wut were we watchin'?" she sed, "pregame show." so i don't think we r gonna make it 2 horny tim's. sorry. alexandra sed there's nuthin' like pro hockey 2 take ur mind off kissin' dogz u didn't hafta kiss & st00pid gerbil. frum the way she iz sittin' w/me, i think she iz rite.
At 7:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
wow, sounds like ger nevr got the whole magix thing, eh?
ger, no1 died. howard was transformed in2 a dog. he's been transformed back. happy, happy!
apes
At 8:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
i didn't mean 2 make fun, ger. i thot u really were confused.
no, i didn't write ne notes, u r rite. but i gave becks an' howard big hugz & bot them both their favourite coffee & donuts. they seemed 2 like that just fine.
i m sorry i m not chi-chi enuf 4 yr mother. i guess i shd not b surprised.
apes
At 8:54 PM,
Anonymous said…
My dearly beloved,
I think you are wonderful. But I agree with my mother about the importance of good etiquette. How about I get you your own personal copy of Amy Vanderbilt for Christmas? Then we can write all our social notes together. :)
Actually, I am surprised that your mother doesn't require you to have good etiquette. I guess she is too busy eating pastries to care--?
And I admit I am a little confused about the Howard the Dog versus Howard the Man. I knew that the witch was the one who put the man inside the dog, but I figured the dog had to eat the man in order to get him in there. So I sort of figured the man was dead. I guess I still don't get it. I'm sorry I got upset. I get upset when I think people are laughing at me and calling me dumb. Fortunately, though, I looked into my handy "Miss Manners's Pocket Guide to Social Situations" and it says in there that it is better to admit you just don't understand something than to fake it and get in trouble, or to get angry and indulge in interplanetary revenge fantasies. Also, Letitia Baldridge says that "the ability to admit that you are wrong will make you a bigger man." And, as you may have noticed, I am about six and a half feet tall now.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 9:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
ger, my mom wants me 2 have gd "ellyquette", lol. she thinx she knowz better than the xperts. sure, the book wd b cube.
hey, u don't need 2 feel bad abt not understanding sumthin' so confusing. u r rite, it's better just 2 say u didn't understand sumthin' than 2 pretend u did.
nope, no1 got eaten, thank god.
u luv the classix, so check out ovid's metamorphoses. they r all storiez where somebody gets changed in2 sumthin' else. kinda like howard being changed in2 a dog.
apes
At 9:59 PM,
Anonymous said…
Thank you my love, now it is all clear. What happened to Howard was just like the work of vengeful gods. I called my priest up to ask him if he could help me understand this. He said it most likely happened because God is angry with Howard for being a homosexual. Then I explained that I thought it might have something to do with him angering a powerful witch. The priest said, "That isn't possible. We burned all the witches years ago."
Now I am more confused than ever. I did find that Ovid book in my dad's study though. It's pretty good.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 10:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hmm. When I started that last post, all was clear. Then, by the end of it, I was confused. Perhaps the Internet is sucking away my brain power. My mother is always telling me, "Blogs are stupid." Perhaps she is right--?
Worried, Gerald
At 12:52 AM,
howard said…
April,
Thank you for the coffee and doughnuts you bought me at Tim Hortons. Especially thank you for not getting upset when I asked you for raw meat instead. And really especially thank you for not getting upset when I sniffed your butt. And super really especially thank you for not getting really mad when knocked over the coffee cup onto your clothes, when I got my nose into it trying to lap it up. I have a lot of retraining to do.
I am staying over at mistress’s…sorry Becky’s house tonight. We went to my apartment and it was locked from not paying the rent. So we came here. I am using her computer to write this.
It’s so cold in here. I miss my fur. It was a lot warmer than clothes. Even with clothes on I feel naked. I miss the smells. I could tell what kind of mood people were in, just from their smell. One thing I do not miss is having no palate. I have licked a few things I used to lick and now they taste terrible. I can’t believe I was licking those things every day. I miss my fur. I was a pretty dog.
I have to sleep on the chesterfield. I wanted to sleep in my usual spot on mistress…sorry Becky’s bed, but she said I cannot do that anymore. I really liked it when she would snuggle me at night, and pet my fur, when she was sad about something. I liked being her dog.
I am getting sleepy now. Time to turn around three times and go to sleep.
Howard
At 1:12 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, flames 4, devils 1. 1 power-play goal aftah anutha. the devils cudn’t go the distance w/the flamez. alexandra & i were pretty happy the canada team 1. i wuz rilly glad 2b w/alexandra. mom got tired & went 2 bed early & alexandra & i had sum tyme by ourselvez. alexandra haz sum special hockey cheerz she savez 4 thoze kinda tymez. i’m not saying wut they were, but let’s just say i’m not gonna think of the wordz “body check” or “clearing the puck” the same way again. i walked alexandra back 2 her house & her dad wuz n such a good mood frum calgary winnin’ (he h8s new jersey 4 sum reazn), he didn’t evn notice i wuz holdin’ alexandra’z hand. it wuz a gr8 nite.
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