Guest Blogger: Edda Burber
Hello, friends of April Patterson! This is Edda Burber! I am a "young, newly employed dancer in a prestigious, metropolitan ballet company, embarking on a life of her own, with her own loves, hopes and ambitions, and her own tax forms." April & I have been e-pals for a while, & I've filled her in on my adventures in NYC while she shares her scary tales of life in Milborough, Ontario, Canada! Anyway, April asked me to be her guest blogger today, just to give you all a little bit of variety!
I live w/a gorgeous fellow ballet dancer named Seth. He's beautiful and very, very gay. If he lived in Milborough and weren't already in a committed relationship, I'd be sending him over to kiss that doggie, Howard. Seth is a real catch!
What's really got my goat these days is Isabel Florin. "A pianist from Portugal studying at Juilliard, Isabel Florin is the new, consciously alluring woman in Amos' life. She has taken an interest in him not only as his accompanist, but as a potential inamorata. Where Isabel is concerned, Amos is, nearly always, not up to speed." She totally tried to seduce Amos! Amos is my childhood pal who moved to NYC at the same time I did. He's attending Julliard. We've kinda sorta fallen in love, but we are not really handling it so well. After Izzy tried to seduce Amos, he cut a beeline for my place and dumped all her unrequited passion onto me. That was kind of cube (that's the word, right?), but it made me really pissed about what Isabel tried to do. I just came back from her apartment, where I knocked her over with a karate kick even though I never even made contact with her. This is my power, April's friends!
Well, that's all I have to say at the mo. Maybe I'll guest blog again tomorrow. We'll have to see what develops!
Edda Burber, blogging in April's Blogger account
I live w/a gorgeous fellow ballet dancer named Seth. He's beautiful and very, very gay. If he lived in Milborough and weren't already in a committed relationship, I'd be sending him over to kiss that doggie, Howard. Seth is a real catch!
What's really got my goat these days is Isabel Florin. "A pianist from Portugal studying at Juilliard, Isabel Florin is the new, consciously alluring woman in Amos' life. She has taken an interest in him not only as his accompanist, but as a potential inamorata. Where Isabel is concerned, Amos is, nearly always, not up to speed." She totally tried to seduce Amos! Amos is my childhood pal who moved to NYC at the same time I did. He's attending Julliard. We've kinda sorta fallen in love, but we are not really handling it so well. After Izzy tried to seduce Amos, he cut a beeline for my place and dumped all her unrequited passion onto me. That was kind of cube (that's the word, right?), but it made me really pissed about what Isabel tried to do. I just came back from her apartment, where I knocked her over with a karate kick even though I never even made contact with her. This is my power, April's friends!
Well, that's all I have to say at the mo. Maybe I'll guest blog again tomorrow. We'll have to see what develops!
Edda Burber, blogging in April's Blogger account
posted by April Patterson @ 8:59 AM
17 Comments:
At 10:01 AM,
April Patterson said…
thanx 4 guest blogging, edda! that was v. v. cube of u. btw, i saw the picture of yr roommie, seth. his bf is way lucky, cuz, what a hunk! it must b fun dancing w/him!
apes
At 10:19 AM,
Anonymous said…
Thank you for the compliment, April. You are such a sweetie! That Gerald better not break your heart, because any friend of Edda's is a sister to me. And I watch out for my little sisters!
Seth
At 10:49 AM,
April Patterson said…
lol, i luv it! but i guess shannon's sense of humour is broken. btw, was this alex or eva?
apes
At 11:23 AM,
April Patterson said…
ok, got it! :)
apes
At 1:13 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, a strange thing happed this mornin’. i wuz getting’ reddy 4 skool wen i heard this voice say, “i want some improvement now!!!” i didn’t know where it came frum, but the windowz shook a little. i asked my mom ‘bout it & she sed she heard it 2. so we put on the newz 2c if there wuz sumthin’ ‘bout it & the newz reporter sed lots of peeps heard it. the news head concluded it wuz sum1 complainin’ ‘bout sumthing that had gone on 4 way 2 long & they evn got a comment frum the johnston institute ‘bout it. get this, the johnston institute sed that whatever it iz the voice wuz complainin’ ‘bout wuz gonna go on 4 all week. i shuddered a little wen i heard that quote frum the johnston institute. i dunno y.
At 1:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
i heard it 2. i thot it musta been my imagination.
apes
At 4:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, eva! i guess shannon's nevr gonna b a rapper!
jeremy, i saw u runnin' 2 the nurse's offc w/yr hand ovr yr eye. what was that all abt?
apes
At 4:27 PM,
Anonymous said…
Toronto school under literary lockdown
Students at Grace Marks Junior Public School (somewhere in Toronto that's not the Beaches or Rosedale) got a shock entering the building on Monday: police officers were patrolling the grounds in response to the school's holiday play, "The Gift of the Magi."
When asked about the police presence, Principal Marian MacAlpine expressed her surprise and confusion. "It seems that someone gave the Grade 1 teachers a new script for "The Gift of the Magi. They said that a potato-nosed, weedy-looking guy had been sticking scripts under the windshield wipers of the cars in the faculty lot. Unfortunately, they decided to use the scripts for the holiday play, and made their own arrangements with the author before actually reading the play."
Handwriting experts from the Toronto police force's newly established Literary Services confirmed that "The Really Nice Present from the Magi" was the work of Michael Patterson, who was at the centre of the downtown theatre revision riots last month. Sgt. Nate Schoenhof, of the Literary Services, gave a statement last night regarding the "improved" version of the timeless O. Henry classic.
"Well, in this version the husband doesn't sell his watch, and instead has his Christmas saved by the timely intervention of his saintly mother, who buys him a house and lets him live the carefree, well-paying life of the freelance writer, editor and script doctor. Oh, and the wife falls down the stairs due to a poorly-placed wheeled fish-toy."
He acknowledged the problems inherent in the rewrite, and stated that the Charter of Rights grants all Canadians the right to have little, if no, literary taste.
At 4:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, my bro ruins the classix again! heinous!
apes
At 8:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
peeps, just 2 let u know the eye iz ok. i have detention 2 do wen i get back 2 skool, which shuld be 2morrow. the doc sez it will b black & swollen 4 awhile, but no loss of eyesite. april, n case u haven’t heard this story alreddy, this iz wut happed. u know the principal put up copies of the poster shannon lake did of her "shuttel to pluto" w/her drawin’ of alexandra on it. it wuz stupid & i thot it wuz no big deal until i heard theze grade 11 kids sayin’ 2 alexandra “while ur visitin’ pluto, can u get mickey mouse’s autograph 4 me?” or “wen uc pluto, b sure 2 say hello 2 proserpina” or “since u have been 2 pluto, how do u feel ‘bout ‘plutonic theory’ vs. ‘neptunian theory’?” alexandra wuz getting’ a little upset, so i started takin’ down the posters. well, shannon lake saw me doin’ it & sed, “wut…r…u…doin’?” i took down 3 posters while she wuz sayin’ that. i sed, “takin’ down ur posters.” she sed, “the…principal…put…them…’round… the…skool…2…show…case…my…matu…rity…&…artful…inte…grity. u…r…gonna…b…n…trubble.” i took down 12 posters while she wuz sayin’ that. i sed, “peeps r makin’ fun of alexandra cuz of them. they r goin’ down. u shuld try making a poster that’s nice 2 peeps nstead of this rocket stuff.” shannon sed, “shuttel. …it’s…a…shuttel…not…a…roket.” i took down 4 posters while she wuz sayin’ that. i sed, “s-h-u-t-t-l-e. r-o-c-k-e-t.” shannon sed, “ur…goin’…down…spelling…boy.” then she climbed up on a desk seat 2 reach me & decked me rite ‘cross the eye. then shannon sed n a rilly loud voice, “oh…i…am…so…sorry. i…shudn’t…have…punched…my…bf…like…that.” i sed, “i’m alexandra’z bf.” bam! rite ‘cross the eye again. then the principal came & shannon told him wut i wuz doin’. the principal got rilly angry & tol’ me 2 stand up 2 go 2 the office, but wen i tried 2 stand i got dizzy & fell 2 the ground. the principal tol’ me 2 go 2 nurse horbreth’s office, which i did. nurse horbreth saw me & sed, “u again. wut girl were u botherin’ this tyme?” i sed, “shannon lake.” nurse horbreth sed, “i guess u learned that she pullz no punches, sez wut she thinks, & can defend herself verbally w/wit & sarcasm.” i sed, “i learned the not pullin’ punches part.” neway, the nurse called my mom who had 2 come & get me 2 take me 2 the eye doctor. my mom wuz majorly mad @me till alexandra came 2 the house. she xxplained everythin’ 2 my mom, since my mom wudn’t b-lieve me. my mom made alexandra promise like 50x that she wuzn’t just sayin’ thoze thingz ‘bout me cuz she wuz enablin’ my abusive nature. aftah that, thingz were cube w/mom. alexandra stayed ovah 4 our sauerkraut dinner & alexandra gave my eye sum special attention. i like it wen alexandra’z not mad @me.
At 8:40 PM,
Anne said…
What's up, Edda? I'm Vicki, one of Apes' friends who posts here. So is it true that bars r open til 5 a.m. in NYC? Did u c a show @ CBGB's before it closed? U should keep us posted about ur life. Toronto seems so tame n comparison!
Vicks
At 8:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, when i was reading that part u wrote abt beatrice, i was sure u'd say howard got turned back in2 a man. what a disappointment! i hope u find his tru luv soon!
jeremy, wow, i can't believe shannon punched u, but u r the one who got detention. that is so unfair! mayB yr mom shd get ahold of dunc's lawyer 2 lk in2 suing the school!
apes
At 9:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Hello, Vicki! Seth and I did get to go to CBGB once. It was a showcase of unsigned local bands, and one of our friends was in a band that played that night. We were very sad about it closing. So much history!
It's true that many bars are open very late, as you heard. I really don't get a chance to stay out late with my ballet schedule!
Edda
At 9:02 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, & i 4got 2 say my mom was blathering on & on abt outta control dogz, but she was like totally incoherent & dad & i didn't know what he was on abt. now i know!
apes
At 9:28 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, rite afta i rote my last post, rebeccah showed up @the house & sed, “ru reddy 2 help me @lilliput’s getting’ the ladies 2 kiss howie? she had howard the dog w/her. she sed 2 my mom, who wuz gettin’ her “don’t cheat on ur gf” luk on her face, “it’s strictly platonic-like. ‘sides u owe me 4 takin’ my roadie away frum me sunday. i hadta spend the nite @the halfway house w8in’ 4 jeremy 2 get the equipment.” well mom duzn’t like smart talk frum kidz, but she iz rilly gud @feelin’ guilty, so she let me go. on the way ovah 2 lilliput’s, rebeccah sez, “do u know ne restraint techniques?” i sed, “rebeccah, wut iz it w/u & tying peeps up @lilliputs? u tied up lirpA that tyme, wen she wuz there. y don’t we just ask them 2 try kissin’ howard dog?” rebeccah sed, “sumtymez ur not so smart & this iz 1 of them. i’m bringin’ u along 4 muscle, not brainz. jelly fatterson will nevah agree 2 kiss a dog & howie duzn’t wanna kiss jelly either” i sed, “y do think she cud b howard’s true luv then?” rebeccah sed, “back wen howard wuz a man, jelly kissed him cuz he wuz her pastry chef, so there may b sum pastry luv goin’ on there.” i sed, “i dunno ‘bout tying peeps up.” rebeccah sed, “u were nevah such a pansy wen u were my sumtymez bf. just guard the door, so no1 can get out. i’ll handle it.”
we got 2 the store an' saw just moira an' beatrice hanging around, not ur mom, like rebeccah sed. moira wuz scratchin’ howard dog ‘round the ears & sayin’ “wut a good boy ur. i bet u love a gud roast beef dinner, dontcha boy.” howard dog wuz rilly sniffin’ @her. i sed 2 rebeccah, “wut’s howard dog sayin’?” rebeccah sed, “howie sez that moira eats a lot of beef & she smellz rilly gud.” howard dog liked the attention frum moira but he wuz rilly nuzzling on beatrice, i think cuz they usedta d8 wen he wuz human. i sed 2 rebeccah, “wut’s howard dog sayin’?” rebeccah sed, “howie sez he can smell bea’s kidz on her. he hopes she iz the true love cuz then it wud mean bea wuz wrong 2 break up w/him.”
then ur mom came outa the back storeroom. she wunted rebeccah 2 take howard dog out. i went 2 guard the door like we planned. rebeccah told ur mom the story she made up ‘bout training howard dog 2 b a service dog 4 the elderly & howard dog rilly liked her. i rilly cudn’t hear wut they were sayin’ cuz howard dog started growling like he wuz gonna bite ur mom. rebeccah & ur mom were talkin’ & then ur mom gave howard dog a kiss. i wuz rilly surprized rebeccah fooled ur mom w/that training dog story. then howard dog jumped on ur mom & she started screamin' 'bout how howard dog wuz a killer dog & the peeps n the store ran 2 the door & pretty much knocked me outa the way. a lotta gud i wuz. plus my eye got smacked a couple of tymez.
wen i recovered frum the smackin’, i saw beatrice wuz kissin’ on howard dog. ur mom yelled @me to call animal control & i sed, “i tried 2 run 1 patterson over w/ my bike, what makes u think i would hesitate 2 try 2 kill again?” i tried 2 make it sound rilly tuff, but i cud tell frum rebeccah & moira laffin’ that i wuzn’t. i guess i shudn’t of tried 2 sound like clint eastwood.
moira helped ur mom 2 the back room an’ gave her sum pastries. then she came back & kissed howard dog & fed him an éclair. i cud hear ur mom say, “moira 1 of my pastries iz missing.” she came outa the back room just in tyme 2 see howard dog eat the éclair. she jumped on howard dog & grabbed his mouth open 2 try 2 get the éclair out. it happed so fast it wuz hard to b-lieve. i mean ur mom wuz completely helpless wen howard dog jumped on her b4, but then she wuz like a tiger. she wrenched open howard dog’s mouth, stuck her hand n there, grabbed the éclair & ate it rite n frunt of him. everbody wuz n shock. howard dog wuz gaggin’ & coffing. then ur mom sed, “nobody takes my pastriez. nobody. get that pastry-eating dog outa here becky mcguire & don’t bring him back.” u shuda seen the look on her face. it wuz scary. rebeccah looked like she wuz gonna say sumthin’, but aftah lookin’ @ur mom’z face, covered n doggy drool & pastry crème, she thot that wud not b a gud idea. i think she wuz rite. so, no luck on the kiss again. i am beginnin’ 2 wondah if rebeccah’z mom knowz wut she iz talkin’ ‘bout w/that true love thing turnin’ howard dog back 2 howard man.
At 9:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, jeremy, my mom actually pulled an eclair outta a dog's mouth an' ate it? EWWWWWWW!!!!!
apes
At 10:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, yep. it's true. rebeccah & i went 2 her mom'z store & told her the story. she sed she b-lieved it. rebeccah's mom sed ur mom wud dive n2 trash 2 get a poisoned pastry, that's how much she loves them.
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