April's Real Blog

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Good Thing Mom Can't Read My Thought Bubbles!

My zits R gone, peeps! I don't know if this is another Sunday fluke like 2 wks ago, but I was so xcited 2 look normal again, I actually went shopping with my mom this morning. On purpose! Mom was complaining abt how hard it is 2 shop 4 Dad: "Yr father is so difficult 2 buy 4. He's not interested in clothes... He likes 2 buy his own toolz." (LOL! C his December letter 4 his toolkit obsession!) Trying 2 help, I was like, "What abt a gift certificate?" & Mom was all, "That's so impersonal." Then, "He likes 2 build models, but he never has time." Then, I was like, "Y don't U book a romantic wkend getaway? Book a swanky hotel, go 2 dinner, take in a show--no kids, no pets... Just the 2 of U." Mom got this big smile on her face, all, "April! What made U come up w/a gr8 idea like that?" An' I'm so lucky Mom can't read my thot bubbles, cuz the one that sproinged up ovr my head sed "I thot it was a good gift 4 ME!" Cuz Ger, Becky, Dunc, Alex, Eva, Jeremy, Vicki, Howard, Marjee. We R sooooooooooo gonna party!!!

NEway, on the way home, my mom sed all this romantic getaway stuff was, of course, contingent on my Dad successfully completing his special "Elly Patterson 12-step programme!" So, d00ds, we've gotta help him if we can, cuz we need us a party, doncha think?

Well, Howard is still a dog. Brenda wasn't his tru luv. :( But Becks is pretty sure they've narrowed down 2 his tru luv being a man, so that shd @ least help the process move along.

Welp, while my face is looking clear, I really wanna get out & about, since I know it mite not last. I'm gonna B @ Horny Tim's in abt half an hour if NE1 wants 2 meet me. Then l8r on, Ger & I have a group mtg @ my house 4 our geog project. I hope the other 2 ppl in our group, Charmaine LeBuke and Ben Haffermass, show up. Dunc told me he doesn't have time 2 jam 2day cuz 2 much h'work. & my dad's not allowed 2 play choo-choos w/Dunc's dad cuz of the 12-step thing.

Apes

22 Comments:

  • At 9:42 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    jeremy--i posted my entry b4 i saw yr last coupla posts fr. last nite. yeah, it's gotta b my bro w/the workshops. just read his dec. letter, an' u'll c these r all topics he's decided he's an xpert in. if u have yr mom read that letter, she'll see he doesn't know what he's talkin' abt. also, he soooo lifted the outline idea fr. my letter. he an' ma, that is, they totally hafta b in cahoots on this 1 cuz, like it sed, she changed my letter fr. saying i got the outline thing fr. a comp bk 2 saying it was a "trick" mike taut me. my arse it was!

    apes

     
  • At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    April,

    I totally saw you at the mall today! My mom, dad, and I were in the men's store shoppin' for my dad. He's really into clothes, you know, like tee-shirts and jeans and stuff. I was hanging out by the button down shirts in the window display -- well you saw me! I totally saw you looking at me!

    Anyhow. I LOVE your new coat. We did an awesome job picking it out. It's a hideous color but the fact that it's a faux washable suede totally makes up for that. It looks so good on!

    I know you probably won't be wearin' it to school because your mom doesn't let you wear colors to school, "Gangs wear colors, April. You're not in any gang!" Remember, you told me she would say that about the coat because it wasn't, like, "school approved blue" or gray or black like your book bag and school coat?

    Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that I loved the coat = D You should wear it to Horny Tims. I'll meet you there. Eva's coming along. My dad heard about this workshop thing when I was talkin' to Jeremy last night on the phone and now he wants me to go. I'm thinking of dragging Eva along because misery loves company.

    Alex

     
  • At 11:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, i had my mom read yr bro’s dec. letter & she wuz all like “wut a kind & caring man he iz. he iz so concerned 4 hiz family & friendz.” she didn’t pay ne attention 2 the riting. ur rite ur mom coulda changed ur letter az sum sorta promotion 4 hiz lectures. the gud thing iz alexandra & eva r goin’, so it won’t b so bad. i dunno eva that well, but it will b fun w/alexandra.

    i saw u shoppin’ 2day w/ur mom, wen i wuz shoppin’ 4 alexandra’z present. i wuz gonna say hello, but ur face changed n2, u won’t b-lieve this, n2 a lot like kortney krelbutz’s face—evil eyes & nose & head shape. sorry, but it scared me a little. i’ll talk 2 u l8er wen ur face turnz back 2 normal. i red ur blog & that wuz a smart idea talkin’ ur mom n2 getting’ a gift 4 ur dad, that’s rilly a gift 4 ur mom & can get us a party. brilliant!

     
  • At 11:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, i had no idea i had a kortney face 4 a while there. mayB it was when i had my crafty ideas? neway, i looked in the mirror when i got home. lirpa & i looked like normal. so i think it's safe.

    well, mayB u & alex & eva can have fun raggin' on mike. i know that if i went, i'd just end up getting pissed off. i'm glad u like my idea abt getting a party outta my mom's gift 2 my dad. ;)

    apes

    p.s. alex & eva r here w/me @ horny tim's. i thanked alex again 4 helping me pick out this new coat i have on 2day. & also i apologized 4 lookin' @ her @ the mall but not goin' ovr 2 say hi but it was totally 2 save her & her fam fr havin' 2 deal w/my mom @ all. i tried doin' a subtle eyebrow-raise thing 2 say "hi" w/out saying hi.

     
  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    A party @ ur house would so totally rock, Apes! Marjee has this killer fruit punch we can bring. Coupla weeks ago, we were heading out 2 a birthday party 4 our great Aunt Agatha, & Maynard was already there @ the Milborough Old Folks' Retirement Palace. So he called Marjee on her cell & asked if she could whip up her fruit punch recipe that she used @ Maynard's jail-release celebration. No prob, & anything 2 make the party less boring, u know! So we took a pitcher & combined pineapple orange juice, cranberry juice, grenadine, vodka, berry vodka, melon vodka, triple sec & garnished it w/6 lime slices. I 4get the exact measurements, but u can use ur best judgement n mixing.

    So I don't remember a lot of Aunt Agatha's b-day festivities, but u can barely taste the booze n the mix. The pineapple orange juice is the strongest flavour. I wasn't that hungover since I loaded up on hors d'oeuvres. So if u don't finish it, u don't have to worry about getting n2 trouble w/ur mom. Maybe she could have some & u could see what happens...lol.

     
  • At 2:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    vicki, wuz that the partee where all the ol' folks got arrested 4 lewd b-haviour? i think i heard 'bout that 1. i wish i coulda been there.

     
  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Yep, Jer, that was it! Lewd & disorderly conduct, per the police report. Some of them got the bright idea of having wheelchair races n the rec room. One lady, Estelle, crashed n2 a box of "Matlock" & "Murder She Wrote" episodes that Agatha got as a b-day present. Don't drink & race, I guess.

    Vicks

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Vicki's right about that punch, it really is killer! But w/a party where almost every1 is gonna be underage, and w/Nardo trying so hard 2 stay out of trouble, I'd better pass on providing alcohol, IYKWIM. BTW, April, is Nardo invited? You didn't mention him in your post.

    Marjee

     
  • At 3:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    marjee, sure, he'll be welcome. the only reason i didn't mention him in my post is cuz u were in a fite w/him the last time i saw u an' u sounded sooooooooooo mad!

    apes

     
  • At 3:15 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Oh, yeah, I was pissed at Nardo the last time I saw you, April! I'd almost completely forgotten. We had great make-up, erm, hiking (LOL!).

    Marjee

     
  • At 3:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    so, gerald's been here for a little over an hour, and guess who just showed up? charmaine lebuke and ben haffermass, the rest of our group for the geography project. ger & i were just about ready to give up on them. But, like, their idea of doing research for our project was bookmarking the wikipedia entry on denmark. yup, they both came up w/the same "research." man, u shoulda seen the vein popping outta ger's neck when we heard that this is all they've done 4 the project, which is gonna b this huge presentation w/a clickable interactive map, an' worth a big chunk of our course grade. then they have the nerve 2 yell @ ger an' me 4 "taking over the project." like we've had a choice! oh, man, group work is torture!

    apes

     
  • At 4:08 PM, Blogger Anne said…

    Marjee has a point, Apes doesn't need 2 suffer NE more embarrassment after her mom's anti-alcohol speech @ the school assembly! @ least caffiene's legal, so we can stay up all nite drinking espresso. Horny Tim's is open 24 hours, woo! We can give Marjee some gas money 4 any late nite trips.

    On the other hand, soda goes much better w/pizza, so we can make sure 2 b stocked up on that. Just an idea. :-)

    Vicks

     
  • At 7:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    april, my mom, eva, alexandra & i r en route 2 the evening workshop b-ing done by ur bro n TO. i’m n the front w/my mom & alexandra & eva r in the back. it’s been kinda fun talkin’ 2 eva. i rilly nevah talked 2 her b4. i sed az we were driving that this wud b a lot bettah than my last trip w/alexandra. alexandra sed, “y is that?” like she mite b a little mad, & i sed, “cuz we r w/eva & not shannon lake.” alexandra definitely agreed w/that. so then i told eva all the stuff shannon did 2 me on the hockey trip & then @my house. eva thot it wuz hysterical, the story w/shannon sticking her tongue n my ear & tellin’ the guy @the hockey game i wuz her father tryin’ 2 do it w/her, & offering 2 do thingz 2 me n my house that were more than a little kinky. eva wuz laffin’ & laffin’ & she told all ‘bout her problemz w/shannon @skool. we both agreed shannon wuz more than just special needz, she wuz especially crazee. alexandra wuz a little quiet, i guess cuz she haz heard all theze storiez b4 & she wuz @the hockey game.

    the 1st workshop iz English Assignments. How To Outline The Problem. then we will go 2 Marriage Counseling For The Career Woman w/my mom since she iz a career woman & wunts 2 get gud advice 4 how 2 do bettah wen she marriez my future dad. i will let u know how it goez.

     
  • At 7:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i hope yr mom won't b 2 disappointed when she realizes michael doesn't know what he's talkin' abt, jeremy!

    i agree abt shannon, but u already knew that!

    btw, my mom was eavesdropping when charmaine and ben were both saying that finding the wikipedia entry on denmark was, like, their research. omg, u shda seen her. she decided she was gonna teach them how 2 do research, so she was all pullin' out the atlases an' other reference books, makin' them take notes, an' so on. normally, this wda been totally embarrassing, but ger an' i were laffin' our arses off!

    apes

     
  • At 8:21 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, alex, i don't know if this helps, but fr. reading his posts abt shannon, it looks 2 me like jeremy didn't enjoy it 1 bit & wanted her 2 vanish in2 thin air! & i'll bet eva's laffing cuz she just can't believe sum1 wd act so crazy as shannon has been!

    apes

     
  • At 8:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    cube blog, btw! u want me 2 add it 2 my linx?

    apes

     
  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    not siding, just trying 2 help! just think hard abt whether ne1 wd actually wanna have shannon acting that way!

    apes

     
  • At 8:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dear Becky,

    Your friend Orque invited me to the show tonight, so I will be there to see you play. He is saving me a seat in the front row. Your dad knows some really nice people.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     
  • At 8:54 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gerald, i think this orque guy prolly thinx u r his d8! b careful, k?

    apes

     
  • At 9:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, soundz like gramps has totally lost it. i guess i hafta tell mom what he's been doing. or mayB i can get ahold of ardith. i wonder what evr happed 2 her.

    apes

     
  • At 11:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    rebeccah, az u have prolly discovered by now, i preset the audio board & tol linwood hurst the third how 2 turn it on. i set up the sound equipment earlier 2day & asked ur dad 2 make sure no one touched it, othawise it wud mess u up. ur dad takes ur musick rilly serious, so i thot it wud b safe. sorry if it’s not. i tried 2 get ahold of u earlier 2day & left notes & stuff, but i guess u posted b4 u read them. i’m rilly sorry 4 not b-ing there but my mom wud not let me get outa doin’ the workshops. wut a nitemare they were.

    we got seats for the workshop English Assignments. How To Outline The Problem sure enough, it wuz april’s bro. he wuz introduced by another guy who sed, “our workshops 2nite r given to us by michael patterson, senior editor at portrait magazine, newspaper column writer, book editor, screenplay editor, and play modernizer. paul hewson of the toronto national star globe sun said of his modernization of romeo and juliet “watch out, shakespeare! there's a new genius in town! what light through yonder window breaks? it is the sun of michael patterson's talent!” then your brother stepped 2 the frunt & we clapped, @least eva & my mom clapped. then he sed, “this workshop iz 2 teach u a great trick 4 ur english assignments. if u havta rite sumthin’, start w/an outline, get all of ur ideaz down on paper, & then ignore it 4 a day or 2. come back 2 it a few dayz later, & sumhow ur brain'z organized all the stuff u wanted 2 say, & it comez out much easier.

    i raised my hand & ur bro sed, “yes. the 40-year-old ugly man n the back.” i sed, “i’m 14.” he sed, “sure ur & thoze peeps sittin’ next 2u r ur mom & sisterz.” i sed, “gf & gf’s friend. mom wuz rite tho.” he sed, “whatevah. wut’s the question?” i sed, “i don’t unnerstand the part ‘bout how ur brain organized the stuff u wanna say, just cause u ignore ur assignment 4 a few dayz.” ur bro sed, “it workz 4 me all the tyme. i rite the outline, come back 2 it a few dayz & itz all organized.” i sed, “so it’s like the elves & the shoemaker?” ur bro sed, “wut?” i sed, “the elves & the shoemaker. the shoemaker’s shoez were finished by the elves, wen he wuz sleepin’ @nite & wen he woke up the shoez were done & he didn’t do nething.” ur bro sed, “no, it’s not like that. we’re talkin’ ‘bout english assignments & not shoez.” i sed, “but who organizes the material while ur ignorin’ it?” ur bro sed, “ur brain duz it.” i sed, “ur brain just leavez ur head & duz it while ur doin’ sumthing else?” ur bro sed, “we need 2 go 2 the demonstration part of the lecture, so the 40-year-old moron n the back can c how ez this iz. 1st i need a topic 4 a ritin’ assignment.”

    then alexandra raizes her hand & ur bro sez, “yes. pretty daughter of the ugly 40-year-old man.” alexandra sed, “i have a topic. boyfriendz who cheat on u w/special needz girlz.” i sed, “wut?” ur bro sed, “that iz an inneresting topic. i don’t think i have evah heard it b4. all rite everybody take out paper & pencil & rite an outline on that topic.” peeps were lookin’ confused & ur bro sed, “oh sorry. if ur a str8 guy or a lezbo, u can change that 2 Girlfriendz Who Cheat On U W/Special Needz Girlz. i sed 2 alexandra, “wut’z goin’ on?” she sed, “u were totally flirtin' w/shannon n front of me & everything & ur tellin' eva all ‘bout it n the car & laffin’ ‘bout it.” ur bro sed, “rite ur outline by urself pleez. if u share info then u cannot grasp the power of ur brain’s organizational abilitiez.” i sed 2 alexandra, “wut? u were @the hockey game w/me. if this bothered u, y didn’t u say sumthin’ then?” alexandra sed, “& interrupt the hockey game. ru mad?” ur bro sed, “stop it. stop it. we r not talkin’ sports. cheatin’ bf only. do ur outline.”

    so i rote my outline & alexandra wuz tearing thru herz, riting page aftah page aftah page. then ur bro sed, “now stop. start ignoring ur outline, now.” i sed, “wut do u mean?” ur bro sed, “turn it ovah. u can talk ‘bout sports now 4 @least 10 minutes.” so i turned 2 alexandra & sed, “can we talk ‘bout this?” & alexandra sed, “ 1, 2, 3, u cheatin’ boy! cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat, cheat!" eva sed, “wut wuz that?” my mom sed, “jeremy, were u cheatin’ on alexandra. ur just like ur father? i can’t b-lieve u wud do sumthing like that.” i sed, “i didn’t cheat on alexandra. shannon attacked me. wut am i suppozed 2 do, beat up a special needz girl?” alexandra sed, “u shoulda found sum way 2 stop her, but u liked it.” i sed, “wut. u gotta b kiddin’” my mom sed, “men. they r all alike. they only wunt 1 thing, & they don’t care if it has special needz like raising an infant son.” eva sed, “no. mrs. jones, shannon iz special needz like down’s syndrome.” my mom sed, “i know just wut u mean. wen jeremy’s dad left me, i wuz pretty down.” eva sed, “that’s not wut i mean.” alexandra sed, “omg! ur gonna side w/ my cheatin' bf? defend him!? wut kind of friend ru!?”

    then ur bro sed, “it’s time 2 stop ignorin’ ur work. turn it ovah & c how well organized it iz.” so we turned it ovah & of course it looked just like we left it. ur bro got rilly confuzed. he sed, “that’s strange. wen i do this n my office @home, it’s always organized wen i come back 2 it.” he called for a break & sed wen we got back, it wud be tyme 4 the next workshop, Marriage Counseling For The Career Woman. i tried talkin’ 2 alexandra, but she sed she didn’t wanna talk 2 a cheater. my mom wuz evn worse. so i tried talkin’ 2 eva. she sed, “i feel sorry 4u jeremy. gf/bf stuff iz tuff. thass y i am afraid of commitment. if u don’t commit, u don’t have this kinda stuff happen 2u.”

    the break wuz ovah & ur bro started Marriage Counseling For The Career Woman. he sed, “i know ur wondering how a professional & award-winning riter like me can speak ‘bout this subject. wen ur a riter, ur an observer of life. there are thoze that told me, ur a magazine editor, ur can’t edit books, screenplays 4 moviez & theater; but i proved them all wrong. there’z nothing a gud riter can’t do & get peeps 2 pay money 4. that iz wut makes me qualified 4 this topic. first of all, r there ne career women n the audience?” lots of women raised their handz ncludin’ my mom. then ur bro sed, “i’m sure that ur all sharp women, busy traveling, takin’ courses & climbing up the corporate ladder. i am sure that u say that there's no glass ceiling az far az ur concerned, just a mirror & u like wut uc.” sum women were noddin’ az he sed this.

    then he sed, “instead of talking thingz out & working toward a solution 2 ur problems, i am sure u have b-come distant & more devoted 2 ur career. ur rarely home these dayz & ur poor husband iz having 2 make planz 4 a future w/o u.” my mom sed, “my husband left me & my infant son 2 pursue hiz career, not the othah way ‘round.” ur bro sed, “that’s just wut u think happened. in reality, u wanted the stability of marriage but not the sameness. i’m sure u never shared ur poor husband’s vision of home & family. did u @least try 4 his sake?” my mom sed, “try 4 his sake to share hiz vision of home & family. hiz vision wuz 2 tour all year long & party w/groupiez all nite. that’s not a vision of home & family.”

    ur bro sed, “ur missin’ the point. i have a gud xxample 4u 2 help u unnerstand. my wife deanna earnz more than i do & she shares my vision of taking a year off 2 write the novel i have been mulling over, adding 2, changing & throwing back on the pile 4 so long.” my mom sed, “ur wife sharez ur vision 2 quit ur job & force her 2 do all work? that duzn’t sound like a vision of ne wife i know.” ur bro sed, “uc. w/this attitude it iz ez 2c y ur marriage failed. career women, the most mportant part iz 2 share ur husband’s vision.” my mom grabbed me & sed, “we’re leaving rite now b4 i do this idiot sum major damage.” a lot of the othah women were leavin’ 2 & ur bro sed, “don’t leave now. i have sum examplez frum my sainted mother’s life 2 tell u.” we drove back 2 m-boro & alexandra wuz mad @me & my mom wuz mad @me & eva wuz afraid to commit 2 evn talk 2 me, cuz of the way alexandra & my mom were. i tried 2 walk alexandra 2 her door wen we dropped her off, but she gave me a luk that sed not 2 leave the car if i valued my life. man, this haz been an awful nite.

     
  • At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Apra,

    Is this your blog? I just want to tell you the funniest story. Ben and I were over at April Patterson’s house to work on our group geography project. Ben and I had done the research on Denmark, we had decided would be our part of the project. When we got to April’s house, she started talking about doing this huge presentation with a clickable interactive map. Ben said, “Eh! What’s all this then?” You know how we are about computers. We would never agree to such a project. Ben got angry and said that April and Gerald were taking over the project because they were boyfriend and girlfriend and had a lot more time to spend together. I didn’t want Ben to get Gerald all mad at me, because you know he has really improved since last year when he was a band geek. He is just yummy. I don’t know what Gerald sees in April. She is so grumpy all the time and she never changes her hairstyle. You know that she is going to grow up and be one of those old biddies still wearing their hair like they did in high school. I hope Gerald dumps her soon, so some other girls can have a chance with Gerald. If it happens, you better be quicker than me, Apra.

    Anyway, the best is that April’s mom was eavesdropping on us. She was constantly bringing us milk and date loaf, but you know she was really trying to find out what we doing. So when Ben and I were talking about our extensive research on Denmark using the internet, she went all apeshit on us. She said, “You just looked at a few sites and printed off what you needed about Denmark?” I said, “Bingo!” I thought it was pretty funny, but April’s mom said, “I’m sorry, young lady-but this is no game. Your teacher isn’t going to accept this. A geography project is something you research. You’re supposed to read and write down what you find out! The project should be in your own words! This is all stolen! Someone else wrote this. Someone else did all the work!” Ben said, “Mrs. Patterson, everyone prints stuff of the net. It’s a lot easier than having to pick up books and read them.” Well that really got April’s mom going. I said to Ben, “You idiot. She sells books.” Ben said he didn’t know that, but then April’s mom was shoving atlases and books in front of us and saying, “This is about Denmark. Here’s the atlas. How many major tributaries are there in Denmark? Do you know the answer?” I said, “I’ll look it up later. It isn’t really pertinent to what we are doing.” April’s mom said, “Young lady. I am going to show you how to do a geography project." April and Gerald were laughing their asses off, but then they suddenly stopped laughing and started groaning. April’s mom said, “Quiet, Martian creature.”

    So she had us read the books and take notes. Then she said, “You have some good material here. What have you learned about the importance of the Danish river systems to the European economy? Now. We’ll trace a map from the atlas. We’ll show the most densely populated areas with coloured pens.” Then we just stood back and April’s mom did the whole project for us. After she was done, she said, “Look at that. You have a real geography project there. You researched and wrote down your information, you drew maps, you found photographs, you made an introduction, a conclusion and you’ve made a list of all your resources. This is something to be proud of. This is something you learned from. Your teacher will be impressed by this geography project!” We said, “Thank you so much Mrs. Patterson for teaching us how to do this.” April said, “But mom, Gerald and I were going to do this clickable interactive map.” April’s mom said, “You would want to use information you stole off the computer, when Ben and Charmaine have worked so hard? Aaaaugh! There's always at least one person who coasts on everyone else's effort. It makes me mad, particularly when it is you. Don’t you have a book report to work on?”

    Ben said to Mrs. Patterson, when we were leaving, “Charmaine and I are thinking of teaming with April on all her group projects. Thank you ever so much for teaching us and for the delicious date loaf and milk.” Mrs. Patterson said, “Why thank you. That would be wonderful to see you work with April again. April could stand to spend more time with some nice polite young teenagers for a change. Despite the angst and the anarchy, I do enjoy teenagers, but it is so nice to have communication with some teenagers that does not result in some kind of disagreement.” So, Ben and I were so psyched to have the geography project done, we went to Horny Tim for some Tim Balls to celebrate. As we were leaving, we saw Gerald going to some halfway house where there was loud music without April. You know what that means. If he is going to parties without her, he is looking around. If he was my boyfriend, I would get to go to parties on a school night. Oh my God, Apra, Gerald is so hot. I love watching him play basketball and hockey and doing my special cheer for him. I can't wait until he drops April.

    See you later,
    Charmaine

     

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