I threw myself a pity party!
I don't know what came over me, but I got the urge 2 call Liz and have a good ol' fashioned pity party one night this past week. It was either Monday or Tuesday, but I've blocked it out till now cuz it was really st00pid.
I asked her if I woke her up, & she didn't say, but fr. her voice, I cd tell I had. An' ooooops, it was way l8@ nite. NEway, there I was, sittin' in my room, crying so hard that I had tears flowing down my cheeks and flinging themselves across the room. Like, get me sum psych meds quick! I was all, "Snifff...Sorry to call you so late, sis...It's just that...I'm not getting along with Mom!" Then I was, like, "An' Becky said I was fat -- right in front of a whole bunch of guys!" Plus, "An' I've got zits like you wouldn't believe!!" Next it was, "Gerald's playing hockey and basketball, so I never get to see him." Followed by, "I lent 10 dollars to a kid at school an' she won't pay me back...." With the grand finale of "I'm ugly and I don't have any FRIENDS!!!"
Yeeshk, like, wtf got in2 me? I don't even know. Not getting along with Mom? What else is friggin' new? The thing w/Becky was rite after she thot I'd sed her commercial on the radio sounded "like crap" when really I'd sed "like rap". Then she was all, "Well U're FAT!" cuz she was pissed. I stormed off all embarrassed, but l8r I xplained abt "rap", an' she laffed & sed, "Well, I really meant phat with a "ph". & we were on 2 the next thing. Zits? Yeah, old story. Gerald, I nev. get 2 C him xcept, like, when I do. $10? Yeah, that bites. Ugly? Yeah, the zits Rn't helping NE at the mo. Friends? Sure, I have friends. Just sumtymz feels like I don't. So, like, whatevs. Sorry 2 bore U w/this, peeps.
The day after I had my lil episode, Liz called me all, "OMG, Apes, I did a total Patterson. When I was telling Gary how upset U were when U called, he sed U're @ 'that sensitive age', & I sed, 'Yeah...1 cry-sis after another!' Ew, Apes! I thot I was training myself not 2 say lame stuff like that, but then out it pops!" I was like, "I know what U mean! I h8 when that happenz!" We Pattersons, we need help!
Alex, that is so cube abt the hairdresser! & I'm sorry I've been harping abt this past Monday. The only xplanation I can think 4 Y I've been dwelling is that "she who must not B named" wants me 2 obsess on that stupid day. & I have a really, really, really, really (add lots more reallies, my fingerz R getting numb) bad feeling I'll B back 2 it 2morrow. Pls 4give me!
Dunc, the thing abt my mom lookin' 4 me & bein' mad. Apparently, Gramps was under the impression that he & I had a "jam session" d8, & it seemz he was all ragging on Mom cuz I missed it. But I swear, he was just confused again. We did not have NEthing planned 4 yesterday. Oh, R U on 4 a jam this afternoon? I cd use sum music 2 relieve the boredom of being obsessed w/this past Monday 4 no good reason!
Becks! Pls hurry & write in! We R all worried abt U & Howard!
Apes
I asked her if I woke her up, & she didn't say, but fr. her voice, I cd tell I had. An' ooooops, it was way l8@ nite. NEway, there I was, sittin' in my room, crying so hard that I had tears flowing down my cheeks and flinging themselves across the room. Like, get me sum psych meds quick! I was all, "Snifff...Sorry to call you so late, sis...It's just that...I'm not getting along with Mom!" Then I was, like, "An' Becky said I was fat -- right in front of a whole bunch of guys!" Plus, "An' I've got zits like you wouldn't believe!!" Next it was, "Gerald's playing hockey and basketball, so I never get to see him." Followed by, "I lent 10 dollars to a kid at school an' she won't pay me back...." With the grand finale of "I'm ugly and I don't have any FRIENDS!!!"
Yeeshk, like, wtf got in2 me? I don't even know. Not getting along with Mom? What else is friggin' new? The thing w/Becky was rite after she thot I'd sed her commercial on the radio sounded "like crap" when really I'd sed "like rap". Then she was all, "Well U're FAT!" cuz she was pissed. I stormed off all embarrassed, but l8r I xplained abt "rap", an' she laffed & sed, "Well, I really meant phat with a "ph". & we were on 2 the next thing. Zits? Yeah, old story. Gerald, I nev. get 2 C him xcept, like, when I do. $10? Yeah, that bites. Ugly? Yeah, the zits Rn't helping NE at the mo. Friends? Sure, I have friends. Just sumtymz feels like I don't. So, like, whatevs. Sorry 2 bore U w/this, peeps.
The day after I had my lil episode, Liz called me all, "OMG, Apes, I did a total Patterson. When I was telling Gary how upset U were when U called, he sed U're @ 'that sensitive age', & I sed, 'Yeah...1 cry-sis after another!' Ew, Apes! I thot I was training myself not 2 say lame stuff like that, but then out it pops!" I was like, "I know what U mean! I h8 when that happenz!" We Pattersons, we need help!
Alex, that is so cube abt the hairdresser! & I'm sorry I've been harping abt this past Monday. The only xplanation I can think 4 Y I've been dwelling is that "she who must not B named" wants me 2 obsess on that stupid day. & I have a really, really, really, really (add lots more reallies, my fingerz R getting numb) bad feeling I'll B back 2 it 2morrow. Pls 4give me!
Dunc, the thing abt my mom lookin' 4 me & bein' mad. Apparently, Gramps was under the impression that he & I had a "jam session" d8, & it seemz he was all ragging on Mom cuz I missed it. But I swear, he was just confused again. We did not have NEthing planned 4 yesterday. Oh, R U on 4 a jam this afternoon? I cd use sum music 2 relieve the boredom of being obsessed w/this past Monday 4 no good reason!
Becks! Pls hurry & write in! We R all worried abt U & Howard!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 7:47 AM
12 Comments:
At 11:48 AM,
duncan anderson said…
Hey, Apes, Ill b there aft lunch. So will my dad w/ his choo-choos. We need a loud playlist.
L8r.
At 11:54 AM,
April Patterson said…
u're on, dunc! let's freek out the 'rents w/a mix of gangsta rap & old-skool punk! lol, we'll have my mom hiding under the kitchen tbl!
apes
At 3:04 PM,
Anonymous said…
Apes,
I no abt those pity parties. I had 1 of my own a few wks ago.
I was really xcited becuz I thought I made a new friend on the bus, u no, but then it occurred 2 me later in the wk when I wasn't mentioned again that I was just a plot device & not a real new friend at all. I woke up out of a sound sleep thinking, "I may never B mentioned again!" I started crying, thinking abt all that we'll never learn abt me. I was really hoping that u might tell people more about me, like what other things interest me besides math, what I sound like, talk like, if I had any history, heritage, where I was from originally since I seem to b new 2 ur school.
I've just come to except my fate as a poor plot device & move on ... And now I have Shannon 4 an epal. Yah.
At 3:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
sorry, eva! i don't think of u as a plot device, but mayB "she who must not b named" does! i hope not! i'd like 2 b able 2 speak abt u in more depth.
but neway, it was fun having coffee w/u, alex, & dunc yesterday!
apes
p.s. dunc an' i succeeded in our plan 2 freak out the 'rents w/our "aggressive" music. they sent us 2 horny tim's & even gave us $ 2 buy xtra tim balls. we r still here if u'd like 2 drop by. alex, u're totally invited! i'd invite ger, but he's playing basketball w/his brother & chuck cunningham.
At 6:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Enizaabet,
I have good news and bad news. The good news is my undercover work was successful. We caught criminals who will spend much time in prison.
The bad news is my superiour officer says I must take days off because I had to use deadly force in the operation. Also, I was injured and need to stay off my feet for a few days. My partner is concerned. I am wiidigesiwag (not married) and do not have anyone to tend to me. We have known each other for a short time. I will understand if you say no. Could I stay with you until I heal? My partner is willing to drive me to Mtigwaki (The Land of Trees), if you agree.
I am ombendam (hopeful)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:40 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i saw alexandra 2day. she had a new hair cut & it looked rilly good & so i told her it looked rilly good. i gonna hafta remembah that 1. that must b sumthing 2 say 2 girlz, cuz she wuz v.v. nice 2 me aftah i sed that.
sorry i have not been postin’ 2 ur blog. i wuz sick & then i had a burnt finger. my finger feelz bettah now.
don’t take this wrong, but y don’t u go 2 gerald’s hockey & basketball gamez? u wud c him a lot more often. duz ur mom have sumthing against team sports & not let u come?
wen alexandra saw u rote that geranium played hockey, she wuz xxcited ‘bout goin’. we can c hockey w/o family escort & it’s a lot cheaper than the leafs. i wuz not that much n2 hockey b4 i started b-ing alexandra’z bf, but now i am n2 it. we r goin’ 2c gerald n hiz next game & u can sit w/us if u want, so peeps will know u have friendz & mebbe evn urself if u forget it.
At 6:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
jeremy, that's a gd idea abt the gamez. yeah, my mom thinx sports r all brutal an' primitive an' has sum lame theory abt "young primates" & war & competitiveness & stuff. but mayB is she knowz i have sum peeps 2 sit w/, she'll, like, step off. so thanx! :)
apes
At 7:36 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i m glad u r safe, but so sorry howie is still a dog & the woman wasn't who fiona sed she was. that sux! pls tell him we will keep working on finding a way 2 reverse that spell.
i don't know what's been wrong w/me l8ly. i swear i don't really feel in control of what i'm doing & saying these days, like it's "she who must not b named" playing w/her april voodoo doll & making her act all st00pid!
apes
At 8:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
Enizaabet,
Quiet is not needed. Rest and caring are. I am glad others will help. I do not want to interfere with your anokii-giizhigad (work). My partner says she will have me there by tomorrow.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 9:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
OMG, what a day.
Eva called me early on and she was like, "I need someone to talk to," and I'm like, "Well I'm your girl, what's wrong?" and she's like, "I don't feel good!" and I'm like, "I've been there, what specifically?" and she's like, "I feel all groggy like, like I'm being erased. My purpose was used, I'm done and not needed," and I was like, "Oh yeah, I've been there. You just have to lay down," and she's like, "I have been," and I'm like, "Longer than five minutes," and she's like, "Oh," and I'm like, "Yeah it took me a week," and she's like, "So it'll pass?" and I'm like, "It should. Once April moves on from Monday, I think," and she's like, "Yeah what is it about Monday? What happened on Tuesday?" and I was like, "We might find out tomorrow," and she's like, "Can't wait," and I said, "Are you laying down?" and she said, "Yeah," and I said, "That's good. Have you had any coffee today?" and she said, "No," and I said, "OMG! Well that's the problem right there!" and she said, "What?" and I said, "You're going through coffee withdrawal!" and she said, "I don't drink coffee," and I said, "You're having sympathy pains for me because I haven't had enough today," and she said, "That happens?" and I said, "Who cares, lets go out for coffee," and she said, "Does that mean getting up?" and I said, "Typically," and she said, "Okay," and I said, "So I'll met you at, like, Horny Tims?" and she said, "I'd rather go to the arcade," and I said, "Do they have coffee?" and she said, "They have cute boys," and I said, "I'm in!"
So we met at the arcade. Well guess who I met there?
That guy in the wheelchair, Cameron Mitchell. He was hanging out with friends. So I said to Eva, "OMG it's that guy from school!" and she said, "Where," and I pointed, he was playing air hockey with friends, and she said, "I don't know him," and I said, "He's 'special needs'," and she said, "He doesn't look it," and I said, "I know," and we sat down at the one of the booths, her with a soda and me with the biggest coffee they served. We were watchin' the guys play air hockey at another table when Cameron walks up. He's all, "Hey, you got your hair cut," (OMG, April, it was a half inch, I can't believe he noticed!) and I'm, like, stupid and speechless and he's, "It looks nice." ::Mouth drop:: I had absolutely nothing to say. He said that and then left. He was was with all his 10th grade buddies. Eva had to reach across the table and literally close my mouth. She said, "Drink your coffee."
Then Jeremy shows up with Gerald and I think Jeremy must have overheard Cameron because he said the exact same thing. Well I don't know if Cameron was watching me or not because I honestly don't know where he went but I grabbed Jeremy by the collar and gave him a really good kiss! How dare Cameron tell me my hair looks nice. It was a half inch. Jerk. I wonder if he meant anything by it, like maybe he thought I needed a hair cut?
I noticed Jeremy's hand wasn't bandaged so I'm like, "Oh, you're better?" and he's like, "Yeah, I guess it wasn't burnt too badly," and I'm, "I thought it was, like, fourth degree burns," and he's, "No, my mom said it was only second, like a bad sunburn."
Eva, Jeremy, Gerald, and I were playing doubles air hockey. It was me and Jeremy vs. Eva and Gerald. And I was really getting into it because I love air hockey and Jeremy was holding his "stick", you know that plastic thing that you hit the little puck around with in air hockey, in such away that his fingers encircled it and I smashed my "stick" into his "stick" with his fingers stuck in between. ::Cringe:: I'm glad to see that it wasn't as bad as I thought. It had to be really painful the way he screamed when it happened!!
Alex
At 10:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
God. So April just called she goes, "IT'S A MIRACLE! Cameron is walking!" and I'm like, "What are you TALKING about!" and she's like, "You said he walked," and I'm like, "What?!" and she's, "You said he walked up to you," and there's dead silence on my part and she's like, "In your post, you said ..." and I'm like, "April! I only had five cups of coffee today! Wheeled, walked, he could have flewn to my table! I wouldn't have noticed. I was totally withdrawnin' on coffee and buggin' that he noticed I got my hair cut!"
Sheesh! Maybe April should cut down on the coffee? She's way too alert.
Alex
At 10:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
april, i 4got 2 mention that i ran n2 gerund on the way 2 the arcade 2 meet alexandra. i asked him where u were & he sed he wuz gonna get 2gethah w/u aftah he finished basketball w/his brother & chuck cunningham, but u were afraid 2b w/him cuz u didn't feel n control of wut u were doin’ & sayin these dayz & u mite say sumthing 2 wreck ur relationship. i didn’t unnerstand it, cuz i know u rilly like geranium. i only tell u this cuz this meanz 2 me, that u rilly need 2 come w/alexandra & me 2 hiz next hockey game. alexandra sed she wud definitely help 2 keep u frum sayin’ sumthing st00pid to geriatric. she’z convinced that there iz nothin’ wrong w/u that sum coffee wudn’t fix. alexandra iz rilly cube.
eva wuz there @the arcade w/alexandra & we played doubles air hockey. alexandra is rilly n2 hockey, evn air hockey. she wuz scoring on eva & gerald all ovah the place. she iz way better’n me @air hockey. i wuz st00pid & put my fingerz ‘round the stick & got them smashed. i’ve done that b4, cuz i get xxcited & 4get where my fingerz r, but i didn’t wanna do that n front of alexandra, cuz she wuz so gud. it wuz embarrassing. alexandra sed, “cameron duzn’t hold his stick that way” & i sed, “cameron who?” & she sed, “the air hockey national champion, anne cameron.” eva sed, “we bettah go 2 horny tim’s b4 alex starts talking 2 much ‘bout anne cameron & gets herself n2 trubble.”
so we went 2 horny tim’s & gerald started talkin’ ‘bout his hockey game this week & he wuz rilly getting’ n2 alexandra cuz she’z so smart ‘bout hockey. then alexandra & eva talked ‘bout diffrent kindz of coffee. alexandra wuz tellin’ eva ‘bout all the diffrent symptoms of coffee withdrawal & eva wuz sayin’ “eh. i had that & that happen 2 me.” it wuz hard 4 me 2 follow the convo. i walked alexandra home aftah that & she sed 2 me, “wen u tol’ me my hair cut looked good, did u hear that frum sumbody else 1st?” i sed, “no gerald didn’t evn notice ur hair.” she kinda stared @me & i sed, “i think ur hair looks rilly gud. i don’t need ne1 else 2 tell me that.” she liked that answer.
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