Zits R BACK! Shoot me!
Yeah, so I was l8 again 2day. Cuz, y'know, I was trying 2 figure out just what I'd dun 2 make the witch of Corbeil so angry with me that she'd bring the zits back after letting me have a nice, clear face all day yesterday. Yeah, I know Sundays can B like that in our world, but I was hoping sooooooo hard, that it wdn't happen, & we cd spend sum time obsessing abt Mike quitting his job or learn more abt Liz an' Paul, or even Dad making lame punz @ his dental practice while wishing he had more choo-choo time. But no. It's me & the stupid zits again. Y?
So when Becky was asking me Y I was l8, I was in such a funk I came out w/a lame "none of yr beezwax", which Becks totally called me on as a dumb retro line. Tho I guess she caught the Patterson "wordplay" bug when she came out w/"U shoulda sed what-zit 2 U?" This was all kinda weird since Becks knows my whole zits sitch inside & out & she even helped me get rid of them w/the magix, but we all find ourselves doing & saying odd thingz fr. time 2 time.
Well, I can't make this post a real long 1 cuz I'm abt 2 B caught usin' my phone on school property. & I don't wanna have it confiscated 4 the day!
Apes
So when Becky was asking me Y I was l8, I was in such a funk I came out w/a lame "none of yr beezwax", which Becks totally called me on as a dumb retro line. Tho I guess she caught the Patterson "wordplay" bug when she came out w/"U shoulda sed what-zit 2 U?" This was all kinda weird since Becks knows my whole zits sitch inside & out & she even helped me get rid of them w/the magix, but we all find ourselves doing & saying odd thingz fr. time 2 time.
Well, I can't make this post a real long 1 cuz I'm abt 2 B caught usin' my phone on school property. & I don't wanna have it confiscated 4 the day!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:01 AM
29 Comments:
At 9:27 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes. don’t be mad. i wuz tryin’ 2 point out that “none of ur beeswax” is not ur usually perfect patterson pun. i had lotsa othahs like:
don’t abscess over it.
it’s just a bump in the skin of life.
i pustulate you have a skin problem.
you paint your problems as either blackhead or whitehead.
don’t say uncle to your furuncle.
instead of an infomercial, your face is a inflammercial.
with skin like that, you are sure to be papular.
didja notice my totally hott new earrings?
becks
At 9:33 AM,
Anonymous said…
Apes, just ignore her. U look fine.
I can be a real friend & give u skin care ideas if u want.
At 10:46 AM,
April Patterson said…
becks, just don't talk that way around my dad. he mite try 2 adopt u & make u play choo-choos w/him!
eva, i know i don't look fine, but it's nice of u 2 say so. if u know sum gd skincare ideas, i cd use them!
apes
At 11:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
apes,
ru using "play choo-choos" az that metaphor 4 sumthing else we use w/ur dad, or ru rilly talking 'bout playing with model trainz? cuz if ur talkin' 'bout the metaphor, then ur disgusting. ew!!
eva,
apes haz plenny of skincare help, thank you. but if she keeps on sayin' "none of ur beeswax" nobody iz gonna care wut her skin luks like, cuz like they will be laffin' @wut she sed.
becks
At 11:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
april, sumtymes wen peeps make fun of me, i wish i had a superpower 2 get away frum them. like wen thoze clownz were chasing aftah me, i wish i coulda had the power 2 fly 2 get away frum them. ever feel like that?
At 11:36 AM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April,
My little honeysuckle, there is no need to be ashamed of using the phrase “none of your beeswax.” I use that particular phrase frequently to stave off unnecessary inquiries into my life and habits. I was quite pleased to see that you have acquired some of my fine language skills. The next time Becky makes fun of your idioms, you should respond with “What's your tale, nightingale?” or “See you later, alligator.” I have used those phrases often and find that it is quite effective in ending an unwanted conversation. Of course it usually leads to my getting a swirly in the boy’s bathroom, but that is quite beside the point. I am sure that it will work for my little hyacinth. Remember, even if you think what I am saying is “none of my beeswax”; I still think you are the bee’s knees.
Don't take any wooden nickels my hotsy-totsy hollyhock,
Gerald
At 12:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky,
I like that Apes said, "None of ur beeswax". Retro is coming back u no. I think it's v. cube. Apes, did u get it from your sis?
Apes, I also have sum suggestions for ur skin care.
1stly, I would suggest u grow ur bangs out and wear ur hair in a tight bun atop ur head. This way u don't have any oily hair hanging on ur face.
2ndly, you should wash ur face with a mild astringent to wash any dirt and oils from ur pores so zits can't form.
3rdly, Gerald shouldn't caress ur face anymore, you shouldn't allow anyone to touch ur face bcuz their oils get in ur pores and cause more zits.
At 12:36 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello). I have arrived at Mtigwaki (The Land of Trees). I saw your sister Elizabeth during the lunch at her school. She is teaching her afternoon class. She asked me to write to you so you would know I am here.
I did not have lunch with me, since I traveled all night to get here. Your sister said I should not worry about food, while I am here. She said she had plenty for me to eat after school and she said she would make sure I was satisfied. I was still hungry, and I went to Goulais Grocery for a snack. Phil Goulais is the owner. He is an older man. He wears glasses, has gray hair and a bald spot he covers with a black toupee. He recognized me from my last visit. Elizabeth and I bought supplies there before our kayaking trip. He said, “You are here again, Constable. Are you here to see the school teacher?” I said I was. He said, “That’s good. I have wanted a reason to call the girls at the nursing station and Margaret.” I said, “There is no need to call people because I visit.” Phil said, “Constable. Mtigwaki is a town where we call people if someone tries to teach kids astronomy, and crowds gather if someone bakes cookies. You are a lot bigger news than that.” I said, “Why am I big news?” He said, “The local boys have been trying to get the new school teacher’s interest for a year now. Jesse Mukwa in particular, even though he is too young. We thought she was only interested in white men, until you arrived. Now the local boys think they might have a chance, if things don’t work out with you two. There are some who wonder why a strong Anishinabek man is after a white woman, when there are many beautiful Anishinabek women. I am not one of them. I point out to those people you are in the Ontario Provincial Police and not the Anishinabek Police Service, so you are interested in the white ways, including the women.” I said, “There are many 1st Nations people in the OPP. It is nice to know people in Mtigwaki are so concerned for Elizabeth.” Phil said, “Concerned. Are you kidding? She’s the best-looking woman in town. The only thing that keeps the men away is her mother. She has come to visit twice.” I said, “Her mother? What’s wrong with her mother?” Phil said, “It has been a long time since I met a white so condescending. When she first came, we helped her get around, carry her luggage, give rides to people--our customs to greet new people.” But then she got the idea that was the way it was supposed to be. The second time she came to visit people stayed away from her, but then she came to the pow-wow in October. She started speaking to people as if she were narrating a story. When we told her our traditions, she kept on getting them mixed up. She was starting to scare the small ones.” I said, “I’ve met Elizabeth’s mother, and she was very nice to me. If it were not for her, I would not have met Elizabeth.” Phil said, “You met her mother one time. Wait until you meet her again.”
I am sure that Phil was mistaken about Elizabeth’s mother. As I know from my work, people act differently in new situations. Perhaps, that is what happened. I am going to my friend’s house to take a nap until Elizabeth is finished teaching. I may write to you later.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 12:37 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, no, i mean really just playin' w/ the trainz. & gettin' u 2 sew lil outfits 4 the train peeps. not the other mng. ew!
jeremy, yeah, i've been totally wishing i cd turn invisible! :(
apes
At 12:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
eva, just b/c i borrowed sum stuff fr. my sis doesn't mean i get everything fr. her, including zits. cd u drop that pls? i don't wanna sound mean, but we need 2 get ovr that if we're gonna b friendz. i will think abt letting my bangs grow out, but big no on the tite bunz, no offense. my mom's so obsessed w/that kinda hairdo, i'm just way ovr it.
paul, that's such a strange story of yrs! liz, this must b freakin' u out a bit! (& no, eva, liz is not gonna share paul w/me, lol!)
apes
At 1:07 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow Apes,
I meant the 'none of ur beeswax', not ur zits. I no u didn't get ur zits from your sis.
See you later on the bus!
At 1:30 PM,
April Patterson said…
oops, sorry, i misunderstood, lol! actually, i think i got the "beeswax" thing fr. gramps!
apes
At 2:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Now that I believe.
God I am so bored today. Anyone up for coffee after school?
Alex
At 4:27 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, alex, i only just saw yr last post now. i'm @ the store, & i'm gonna go on my starbucks break in about ten minutes. so if u can meet me there, that'd b cube!
apes
At 5:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Thanks for meeting me for coffee.
Sorry I, like, coughed the whole time.
Sorry to hear your day was so rotten too, it was probably because we really only had Sunday for a "weekend". Maybe tomorrow will be better ...
Alex
At 5:57 PM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, a one-day wkend was totally not enuf. & plus there was all that false hope i got fr. having clear skin yesterday. :(
btw, thanx 4 teaching me yr trick 2 shorten our uni skirts w/out getting the "spare tire" look around the waist! @ least i got 2 take sum of the attention off my zits 2day @ school by showing off sum leg.
apes
At 6:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, no problem.
While you're young you want to be able to show off your legs because, you know, when you're, like, 27 you start to loss your sexy figure so you should make the best of it while you can, you know?
Speaking of which ... I should call Jeremy. I didn't talk to him much today and I miss his voice.
Talk to you later,
Alex
At 6:14 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello). Your sister asked me to write to you again. We have finished a dinner that she prepared. It was delicious and very spicy. We will take a walk soon to cool off. Your sister is a good cook. She prepared many things that I never ate before.
Elizabeth and I had a talk with Jesse Mukwa, after I disarmed him. He is afraid that I will marry Elizabeth and take her away from Mtigwaki. Elizabeth told Jesse we just started dating and we had to know each other better before we could talk marriage. She told Jesse, Mtigwaki was her home now and she was not going away. I told Jesse something that Elizabeth did not know. In the Ontario Provincial Police, in Northwest Ontario, an officer commits to a detachment for 6 years, before another detachment can be requested. I also cannot move. This made Jesse happy. He removed traps he had put around my car. Elizabeth was not as happy. She is afraid of the long distance between us. Her boyfriend in university was far away and it ended their relationship. I promised Elizabeth I would come to see her as much as I can and write often. She wanted to hear that. Then we had a very satisfying dessert. Elizabeth puts much energy into cooking.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:16 PM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i totally understand! u & paul don't get 2 c ea other often, so when he has sum time off, u wanna make the most of it!
yeah, alex, we totally need 2 take advantage while we can!
apes
At 6:18 PM,
April Patterson said…
thanx 4 posting, paul! i'm glad u r so kind & making my sis so happy!
apes
At 6:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My comely kumquat, I cannot speak highly enough of the position of your uni skirt with respect to your legs. Rest assured that it had the desired effect of transferring my attention to parts of your body that I must admit that I had not fully appreciated before. I much preferred the advice from Alexandra about the skirt than the advice from Eva that I should not caress your face anymore. My instruction book, The Art of Kissing expressly indicates that facial caresses are essential to guiding the lips to the appropriate area. You may have noticed that since I applied this technique, we no longer have the bruised noses that marred so many of our prior attempts at amour. However, if you are determined to follow Eva’s advice for the sake of your facial epidermis, then I suggest that you caress my perfectly skinned face instead. I do not wish to repeat our prior proboscidial pain. Are you available for some practice sessions, my little gilliflower?
Devotedly and kissingly yours,
Gerald
At 7:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes, ur gonna hafta show the me trick u learned frum alexandra ‘bout the skirt. there were definitely sum oldah guyz luking @ur legz. i can give u namez if u evah get tired of gerald.
i am little ticked off u nevah noticed my new earrings. dunc did tho. we had sum kissing 2 make up 4 frum the tyme we were fiting. he had 2 push the earrings away so he cud get 2 my neck. i think the xxtra struggle got him goin’.
aftah i got home frum skool i tuk howie 4 a walk. we went by the poiriers’ house & ur mom wuz there. i sed 2 howie, “wut has elly been eatin’ 2day?” he started 2 tell me, but wen he got 2 like the 30th kind of pasty i tol’ him 2 stop. ur mom came up 2 me & sed, “hello becky. ic u still have that dog. u know i have raised dogz b4 & i can give u tips on what 2 do.” i rolled my eyez & tried 2 leave, but it wuz 2 late. she sed, “it’s alwayz important 2 keep carpets on slick surfaces so the dogs can skid n2 the walls when running fast. that teachez them not 2 run n the house. it’s alwayz important 2 keep toilet lidz up so the dogs have access 2 water. it’s alwayz important 2 keep dogs and cats separated by doorz w/proper locks so they won’t chase ‘round the house & destroy furniture. it’s alwayz important 2 watch wen u come home frum a long trip & open the door 2b prepared 2b knocked down. & on & on & on.”
while she wuz talkin’ howie went & sniffed ‘round the poirier’s dog. he came ovah 2 me & tol’ me telepathically that sera (that’s the dog’z name) cud smell her old lovah farley on him. he & sera went n2 the back yard & howie sed, “sera & i have sum bizness 2 discuss. keep the adults bizzy.” so i wuz stuck there lissening to ur mom go on & on ‘bout raising dogz, wen there was this whimpering & whining frum the back yard. ur mom didn’t notice, but connie poirier did & she came running back 2 me & yelled, “git ur dog outa here.” i went 2 the back & saw howie & sera doin’ it. my telepathy started goin’ wild & i cud hear sera saying. “yes. yes. yes. yeeessss.” aftah they were done, i tuk howie away. i wuz kinda pissed @him. i sed, “howie, that wuz a dog. do u do it w/dogz now?” then he tol’ me sera’z story. she & ur old dog farley usedta b lovers till edgar wuz born then they were both fixed. she hadn’t done it n a long tyme & smelling howie reminded her of the ol’ dayz with farley. so, he just thot it wuz the rite thing 2 do. i sed 2 howie, “if connie poirier callz my mom, then u will be n real trubble.” he sed, “sumtymes u do the rite thing, evn if it means sacrifices.” i knew wut he wuz talkin’ ‘bout since that’s the reazn y he is dog now.
aftah that, howie wunted 2 go by the mayes midtown motors restaurant 2c tracey mayes & let her know wut happened 2 him. we got there & tracey wuz at the front & sed, “no dogz n the restaurant, becky.” i sed, “this dog is rilly howie.” tracey started cryin’ & sed, “oh howie, i wuz so worried ‘bout u.” she grabbed him & hugged him a lot, while she wuz crying’ & sayin’ “i tol’ u not 2 go & now luk @u. at least ur still alive.” i asked tracey if she knew neway 2 turn howie back n2 a man, cuz my mom sed there wuz no way 2 turn back a spell frum the witch of corbeil. tracey did not know of 1. then fiona brass walked up & sed, “howard. ur a dog now. u nevah luked bettah.” i sed, “fiona brass. u leave howie alone. he went 2c lynn johnston & he came back this way.” fiona sed, “ssshh!! don’t say that name. do u want attention? call her “she who must not b named.” i sed, “ok. she who must not b named did this 2 howie & my mom sez there’z nothing 2 do.” fiona brass sed, “ur mom is an amateur.” then she tuk me aside & sed, “i don’t know how 2 do it, but i know it can be done. there’z a lady n london, ontario who can do it. i can give u a map 2 where she iz & i can give u wordz of power 2 show that ur 2b trusted.” i sed, “yru doin’ this? wut’s the catch?” fiona sed, “i do have 1 condition. if ur successful then i require certain thingz frum howard. certain thingz of an intimate nature.” i sed, “ew!! no deal.” then howie sed, “if i can turn back 2 a man, it’s worth it.” i sed, “ru sure? she’s like rilly old & flabby & gross & smellz bad.” fiona sed, “hey! watch w/the insults.” howie sed, “it’s ok.” so i got the map & wordz frum fiona & showed them 2 my mom. she sed, “we will go az soon az we can, but prolly not till wednesday, mebbe later.” so i gotta w8. i am a little sad, cuz i rilly like having a dog that i can talk 2. but i do miss my human howie 2.
ttyl,
becks
At 7:33 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, becks, my mom totally thinks she knowz everything abt animals. but she's like, the anti-whisperer. animal shouter, lol! i'm xcited 2 hear there's hope 4 howard being turned back in2 a human!
ger, netime, i luv "practicing" w/u! i think u can still caress me as long as i cleanse well 2x a day or so.
sorry i 4got 2 mention yr earrings becks. i was 2 wrapped up in my own dumb problems, which i know is a st00pid xcuse. but i did notice them & they're v. v. pretty.
apes
At 9:30 PM,
Anonymous said…
::Happy Sigh::
So I called Jeremy like I said I was going to. We only talked for a little bit when I suggested we met to go for a walk or something, since we only live, like, a block away from each other. So I met Jeremy at the end of my block and we walked to the park. We didn't do the swings or anything, we just walked to the park, I wasn't about to do the swings again, not after last time!
I tried to hold his hand but it got sweaty, I didn't think it was hot out either so maybe it was nerves? I wish I had thought to loop my arm around his like they did back in the olden days, you know, but ... I didn't think of that til now = ( We're probably too young for that anyhow, right?
Anyhow, we talked about school and music and some of our likes and dislikes. We talked for a really long time. We sat on one of the park picnic tables and watched the sun go down and then I pointed out some of the constellations.
Jeremy probably thinks I'm a dork for knowing the constellations and thinking it was romantic to watch the sun go down with him. He kissed me just as the sun set.
I'm such a dork.
Alex
At 11:02 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh, man, those earrings r so hott. I keep thinking abt them an' not circus cat training. MayB u cld wear them again 2morrow, Beckers?
<3 <3 <3
MCDunC
p.s. Apes, I cant post v. much 'cos my moms using my 'puter all the time 2 IM her new friends in Rochester. Do u think I shld read her messages in case shes in trbl?
At 1:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
dunc, i'll wear thoze earrings & mebbe a little sumthing else 4u. c if u can figger it out wen uc me 2morrow.
<3 <3 <3
becks
At 1:58 AM,
Anonymous said…
april. alexandra called me 2 go out 4 a walk n the park. she’z rilly smart. a lot smarter than i am. she knowz ‘bout starz & stuff. the best part wuz that i didn’t screw it up. no injuries or hospital visits or gettin’ yelled @ or nuthin’. i rilly, rilly like alexandra. i’m gonna rite her a poem. lemme know wut u think:
i like alexandra
reminds me of genus pachysandra.
uh. i can’t think of ne othah wordz that rhyme w/alexandra. i’ll try alex, nstead.
a pretty girl named alex
i like way better than becks
who is now my ex-
alex is complex
with her i would like sex
that stinks 2. nevermind. i’ll keep workin’ on it.
At 2:18 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
My exhilarating enchanter’s nightshade. To say that I enjoyed our practice session tonight would be a severe understatement. I was most excited to discover that I could use the matching facial blemishes on either side of your face to center my lips to yours, while maintaining the slight twist of the head necessary to avoid proboscidial pain. I must also let you know that when you cleansed your face between each kiss, it did not distract me in the slightest from the passion of your amour. Even when you started cleansing my hands too, my ardor for you was unabated. However, when your mother interrupted you from rolling up my sleeves to cleanse my upper arms, I must admit that my passion was pummeled. Your mother certainly knows how to snuff out the love lights. I look forward to our next practice session. You bring the lips and I’ll bring the cleanser.
Devotedly and clean kissingly yours,
Gerald
At 3:17 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (Hello). I had a long, deep talk with your sister. After satisfying our desires for good food, we talked about things to come. Your sister said she enjoys our time together, but she likes living alone. There is a man back in Milborough; she said she “cares about him so much.” There are things between your sister and this man. I did not ask her about it. I will go one day at a time with your sister. She is funny, smart, a good cook, good at her job and is very beautiful. I feel good when she is happy. When she is ready, she will tell me.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
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