Viv talks down 2 Liz :(
So, it seemz that up in Mtiggy there was a big veteran's dinner 2 honour 1 man. Liz helped Vivian make pies & was kinda surprised they were doing such a big celebration 4 1 guy. Liz told me that Viv was all, "He represents many ppl, Elizabeth. Ppl who sacrificed everything 4 their country. 1 life @ a time." Liz sez she didn't like the way Viv was talking 2 her just then. She felt like a lil kid being lectured 2 instead of a professional woman helping out an equal. She sez she was thinking, "Y did I have to go & say that as a teacher, pie is one of my favourite subjects? Stupid, stupid, stupid!"
So rite after my last post yesterday nite, my dad, like, showed up @ Gramps & Iris's, all, "April! U have 2 come home w/me! I miss U & yr mom's taking out her menopause symptoms on me! Did U know that between perimenopause, menopause, and postmenopause, the process can take up 2 20 YEARS! Tho the average is 10. If it's 20 4 yr mom, I mite hafta move 2 New Zealand!" So I took pity on Dad & I'm home now. Mom was already asleep when I got home & she went out 4 muffins early this morning, so I haven't seen her yet. Oh, Howard, I still totally wanna hear abt Mom's dinner w/"the girls" Friday nite, when U have a chance 2 tell abt it.
Alex & Jeremy, soundz like thingz went pretty gd last nite! Becks, I hope U didn't hafta sew NEmore buttons 4 Dr. Ted!
Howard & Brenda R doing their big roadtrip 2 Corbeil 2day. I hope everything goez OK.
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:01 AM
18 Comments:
At 9:26 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (hello)!
Elizabeth was upset with Vivian Crane for a small time. She is independent and has pride. She is also forgiving. I like that. I make many mistakes.
Elizabeth wants me to write to tell you we returned safe from our kayak trip on Lake Nipigon. Undercliff Mountain was beautiful. The stars seen from Inner Barn Island were beautiful. The most beautiful was your sister.
Luck was with us to get there. After we left Mtigwaki, I saw an arm from out of the kayak. We had to go back to Mtigwaki to return Jesse Mukwa home. He is clever like coyote.
Only one veteran was in the Veterans’ dinner. I asked the man why. He said, “A few years ago, we used to have more than 50 veterans attend this ceremony. Now, as you can see, we're down to just me. The younger veterans are not joining in. They do not have the same honour my generation had.” I told him that was sad, since they represent many people who sacrificed everything for their country…one life at a time. I must stop using ellipses.
A bagpiper came from Spruce Narrows to play "Lord Lovat's Lament". You may not know this April. It is tradition for bagpipes to “pipe” troops to battle.
Elizabeth asked me to stay for the dinner. I agreed. I wore my uniform to honour the single veteran and all others who have died to protect our freedom. There was a picture. You can see me in the back.
Elizabeth’s pies were very good. I told her this and she smiled.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 10:20 AM,
April Patterson said…
i m so glad yr wkend went so well, paul! u r rite that liz is v. v. 4givng. yrs of practice fr. living w/mom, i think!
apes
At 3:26 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm just adding a comment cuz i'm sick of having just 2 comments.
bfn,
apes
At 3:49 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i dunno what 2 say! u r my bud & i don't want u 2 feel bad when u read my blog.
ger, wtf did u get the idea i don't luv u? didn't i totally drop everything & go ovr 2 yr house when u asked me 2? didn't i climb yr fire ladder in2 yr bedroom window like u asked me 2? didn't i try 2 hide under yr bed w/all yr magz & empty lotion bottles when u asked? didn't i say "yes" when yr mom invited me 4 dinner next sat?
u r the 1 who's spending more time w/becks than w/his gf. how'm i supposta feel?
apes, crying
At 4:22 PM,
April Patterson said…
wtf? i nev. told ger i wanted him 2 b a dentist. & i've been way passionate betw 1st & 2nd period, betw 2nd & 3rd, betw 3rd & 4th, betw 4th & 5th, betw 5th & 6th, betw 6th & 7th, & betw 7th & 8th. & during lunch. & aftr school. I'm v. confused cuz this is, like, coming outta nowhere. & the morsel is gay & don't 4get what i sed after take yr kid 2 work day--his personality makes him less cute. ger is cute 2 start w/ & his personality makes him even cuter. ger, y u telling becks all this shit abt me? i don't deserve this.
apes
p.s. ger rocks those drums & u know i think so, ger!
At 4:42 PM,
Anonymous said…
Becky! You are so mean!
All you ever care about or talk about is YOURSELF! AND YOU PURPOSELY HURT PEOPLE'S FEELINGS!! You know, I have feelings too, you know! How do you think I feel? HUH!? All I have is April and Vicki for friends, and Jeremy to kiss. AND HE'S A GOOD KISSER TOO! (I guess you taught him well. AND I GET TO REAP THE BENEFITS!)
HA!
Alexandra
At 5:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
i tried 2 let ger touch my rite boob last week & he freaked out. i felt real bad abt it cuz i thot mayB he peeked during my ob/gyn visit & decided he doesn't like 'em.
& omg, ger, every1 was making jokes abt professions that 1 time. dunc was all, "mayb u shd go in2 banking" & becks was like "mayb u shd join a biker gang fr. quebec", & then i sed the thing abt dental school. i dunno y u gotta single me out!
& every1 calls my dad's assoc. "morsel" cuz they're confused abt what his name is. everett callahan? eliot callahan? eliot everett? eliot-everett callahan migillicutty?
apes
At 5:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra. thanx 4 sayin’ i’m a gud kisser. i rilly like ur kisses 2. wen can we get 2gether 4 more kissin’? iz there a hockey game 2nite?
At 6:01 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
After driving all day, Brenda Starr and I have arrived at Corbeil, Ontario. We are staying at the Camelot Resort, which is about the only place to stay in Corbeil aside from the Big Moose Camp (where Brenda refused to stay.) I think most people must stay in nearby North Bay.
We took turns driving and sleeping. I am afraid that Brenda kept me up most of the night. I am still finding bits of twine in odd places on my body. When we got to the town there was a sign that said, “Welcome To Corbeil. Birthplace Of The Dionne Quintuplets. Residence Of Canada's Oldest Person On Record Marie-Louise Meilleur. Home Of The Johnston Institute For Better Living.” It was a pretty big sign. We drove around enough to find the Johnston Institute, where Brenda has scheduled an appointment for tomorrow.
I read through today’s posts and you seem to be upset by the romantic expressions that have been posted on April’s Real Blog. I know that Brenda and I have been guilty of doing this too, so I must apologize to my bud. I will ask Brenda to refrain from posting about our romance here and I will do the same. We are heading out to supper now and then later will have a night of possibly some sleep. I will try to post again before then.
Oh, something of interest. When we were leaving Milborough, I saw that there was a “Help Wanted Cook” sign in the window of the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant. I guess Tracey Mayes was serious about what she said yesterday with respect to our being here in Corbeil. Our plan is to leave tomorrow evening and head back to Milborough, so I can make the morning shift at Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant on Tuesday, assuming that I haven’t been replaced by the time I get back.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 6:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (hello)!
I and Elizabeth are driving the bagpiper back to Spruce Narrows. I am one of few who own a car. While loading the car with the bagpipes, Billy Strongblood approached. He said to me, “I see the truth about you, Paul Wright. You do not understand how to properly handle the white woman. You will bring shame to your family and your people.” I wanted to strike him, but that is not the OPP way.
Elizabeth was happy about our date and the pies. She wrote you this. Now Elizabeth is upset. I am to write this to you so you know we will be in Spruce Narrows. There will be much talking in my future. I fear I will be using many ellipses. Now, Elizabeth is shaking with anger and does not want to talk. Elizabeth may write to you as we travel.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 6:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy,
No. There is no hockey tonight. I had thought about asking you for 'help' with my math but opted not to. I knew we wouldn't get any work done.
Anyhow. I am leaving this place. If I can't talk about my NOT boyfriend with the few friends I have, April and Vicki, than I'm just not going to bother talking to you people at all!
GOOD BYE!
Alex
PS: Becky, my mom said your mom paid that dr off for your Virgin Certificate!!!
At 7:53 PM,
April Patterson said…
lizzie, i m so sorry 2 hear abt that billy guy being such a jerk, especially after u were so happy when we talked on the phone. that just, like, blows!
guess what? while ger was @ becky's he saw my last post &, like, ran over here. so he's all, like, knocking on the door, & i answer it. & it was, like:
ger: april! i did peek @ yr boobs & the dr's office & they're luvly & perky & i wanna touch 'em!
just then, mom comes bursting in2 the room & she's, like:
mom: i knew it! u delaney-forsythes just can't b trusted!
ger: oh, mrs. patterson! i, i, i just sed that so april wd feel better abt herself. she's having a bad day.
mom: what's she got 2 complain abt? i've got school boards & social workers on my case!
me: ger & i hafta talk, ma.
mom: well, u do it out here in the open where we can keep an eye on u, april martian patterson!
then she stomped out 2 get sum more muffinz in the kitchen. so ger & i sat on the couch.
me: so u don't think my boobs r luvly & u don't wanna touch them?
ger: oh, that was all true, i had 2 get yr mom 2 back off, rite?
me: yeah. so, what's w/all this stuff u were saying 2 becky abt me not luvving u & all.
ger: well, i guess i needed a pity party 2day. i was bummed that my mom caught us yesterday an' i also felt bad u didn't seem more upset abt it.
me: i was totally upset, but i wasn't gonna show it in front of yr 'rents. but now i'm even more upset cuz u're like @ becky's talkin' shiz abt me like i'm sum cold bitch or sumthin'.
ger: ok, sumtymz--sumtymz!--u can b a bit chilly, but no, u r not a cold bitch. i hafta tell u, tho, becky's got the best snacks. her mom's alwayz bringin' home the 2day-old pastries & they're still perfectly good!
me: ???
ger: don't u c? if i lay it on a bit thick, i get sympathy & pastries. win-win! plus i get 2 watch becky's rome disks, & even tho my meds r adjusted, i'm still interested in the roman stuff.
me: hmmm.
ger: so, like, we're ok, apes. ok?
me: ok. guess what?
ger: what?
me: (whispering) i'm not wearing a bra.
ger: !!!
me: gimme a hug goodbye & do a v. v. quick touch b4 we get caut!
ger: i can't! i'm 2 yung 2 die!
(runs away)
so, becky, u can't say i didn't try. btw, becky, alex, i want u both 2 stay here! is that so wrong? alex, ur mom is lying again, like she lied abt me being a "crack whore." she has quite an imagination.
apes
At 8:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
And don't EVEN try to talk me out of it because it is SO not going to work! I am so out of here. Don't even try to talk me out of it ...
Not even a little. Don't even try.
A
PS: April, mom said, "Becky's file read 'Evidence of recent sexual activity but Mr. Ben Franklin says otherwise.'!!!"
At 8:40 PM,
April Patterson said…
but alex, don't u c yr mom can lie abt what she seez in the filez? i mean, now that u know me, u know i'm not a crack whore. rite? rite?
apes
At 8:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
Boozhoo (hello)!
Do not worry for Elizabeth. I and Elizabeth delivered the bagpiper at Spruce Narrows. After beer and dancing at the Grizzly, she feels better. She wanted to write to you. I write to you instead. She says she will write later. If she drove, I would have to arrest her. I will drive her home. She has to teach school tomorrow.
I spoke many ellipses to her tonight. Elizabeth understood the words in between. She understands that most people in Mtigwaki are not Billy Strongblood. She knows Gary and Vivian Crane are odaapin (accepted). Your nimis (sister) cares for people. That is why she is a good teacher. She does not like harsh words. These are beautiful things about her.
Gi'-ga-wa-ba-min' na-gutch! (See you later!)
Constable Paul Wright
At 8:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
alexandra. if you don’t wanna post nemore, we cud study “math”. how ‘bout you + me = kissin’? lemme know.
At 9:54 PM,
howard said…
April,
You have been asking me to recount what happened during a dinner at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant with your mother, Beatrice Alfarero and Moira Kinney. I don’t think you will like it, so I have been hesitant to tell you. This is the conversation I remember:
Elly Patterson: Ladies. I had my meeting with Philandrea Lake about April’s chicken wrap. You won’t believe what that woman said to me.
Beatrice Alfarero: What did that awful woman say?
Elly Patterson: First she tried to be nice to me and talked about how she really appreciated that day that April helped her special-needs child Shannon in the card store, when she got lost. Then she started talking about the issue with school, the chicken wrap they mistakenly said would made April very sick. Right away I told Philandrea that I made that chicken wrap myself from the freshest ingredients and that I was not responsible for anything that happened to it after that.
Moira Kinney: What was the complaint about the wrap?
Elly Patterson: That doctor, Kermit Fingerlakes, said that I had used unsafe chicken and said this weird thing about how using pita bread was not right for a chicken wrap.
Moira Kinney: That’s ridiculous. There are lots of places that use pita for a chicken wrap. Just the other day, I had a pita bread chicken wrap in this very restaurant.
Elly Patterson: That’s what I told Philandrea Lake. But she had this doubtful look on her face. Then she said there had been other issues with April in high school.
Beatrice Alfarero: Obviously she was not smart enough to catch you with the chicken wrap, so now the awful witch is trying a different tactic.
Elly Patterson: Exactly. She said that on the first day of school that April and another student, Rebecca McGuire, had a loud argument in home room. When the teacher asked Becky what it was about, Becky said that I was the one who told April to pretend to fight with Becky.
Moira Kinney: That’s ridiculous. If anything you would have told April to have a real fight with Becky.
Elly Patterson: That’s what I told Philandrea Lake. But she looked at me very strangely. Then she said there was an issue with April on her school record from a few years ago. April had talked to the school counselour about that terrible Kortney Krelbutz. She told the counselour Kortney had threatened her, but I had done nothing when she told me about it.
Beatrice Alfarero: I never met Kortney, but I saw her with Howard. She is a horrible woman. Obviously they completely misunderstood what April was trying to say.
Elly Patterson: Exactly. It’s entirely possible they misunderstood April. She can be very difficult to understand. I often have to use a translation guide my son provided for me.
Moira Kinney: Actually, Elly. The school called Lilliputs’ while you were on vacation and asked me if I could keep an eye out for April. That’s when I fired Kortney. You didn’t have the guts to stand up for your daughter.
Elly Patterson: That’s what I told Philandrea Lake. But she looked at me quite oddly. Then she said she was worried that April had no friends except this one grade 9 boy who seemed to be overly interested in her barrette.
Beatrice Alfarero: Gerald.
Moira Kinney: Gerald.
Elly Patterson: Exactly. I told Philandrea, that I was taking care of April’s friend problems because I was holding a new best friend audition for April.
Beatrice Alfarero: I’m sure she liked that idea.
Moira Kinney: That idea was golden.
Elly Patterson: Well she didn’t like it at all. {gasps from Beatrice and Moira} She told me that was probably the worst idea she had ever heard and there would be serious ramifications if she heard from April those auditions actually occurred. So, I told Connie to tell April she heard from me that any best friend auditions she heard about were fake.
Beatrice Alfarero: Do you think April believed her?
Elly Patterson: It appears so. I haven’t heard anything from Philandrea Lake.
Moira Kinney: It seems such a waste to have done that audition and not get anything out of it.
Elly Patterson: I know just what you mean. There was a hirsute Oriental girl I thought would have been perfect for April.
That’s the conversation I remember. After reading it, I am sure you understand now why I did not want to tell you. I am heading to bed now. Brenda has made an elaborate contraption with silk stockings and a chair. She is holding an eye patch and beckoning to me.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:32 PM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I have a confession to make and after I make you may not want me to post here anymore ... So I'm just going to say it and you can do what you may. And Jeremy, in case I don't get a chance to tell you here again ... I really like your math skills = D
Okay. My confession.
I was so upset that Becky said such hurtful things to everyone that I totally made up my mom reading her file.
I'm REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY and one more REALLY sorry that I lied Becky. If you ... Oh, wait you never liked me to begin with ... Well I hope you can kind of forgive me. Or forget me. Or ignore me. Or at least not beat me up tomorrow I'd really appreciate it.
Alex
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