Lizzie thinks Constable Paul is Hott!!!
Howard was nice enuf 2 post a comment telling me abt all kindsa stuff he heard my 'rents saying, esp. abt me, when they were @ the restaurant last nite w/the Nicholses. Mom was all proud of herself 4 finding out fr. my IM records that Officer Paul had shown up in Mtig w/the sunglasses. LOL, Liz & I had that chat on purpose cuz we knew Mom wd snoop & find it, & this wd keep her fr. going 2 more xtreme snooping methods. I don't even use IM NEmore 4 NEthing real. & what I do use, I don't leave NE trax behind. I've learned that lesson.
So another interesting thing Howard shared was Mike gave Mom a list "translating" thingz I mite say 2 her, pretty much so NEthing I say is supposta B sumthin' that cd get me in trub. Here was the list, in case U missed it in yesterday's comments:
How was your day, mom? = The principal caught Gerald checking out my barrette again.Can U believe that shizzit? I think we shd totally make up our own "Michael" glossary. It wd go sumthin' like this:
I got an A in English = You are the stupidest mom ever
I got an A in French = I am going to move to Quebec, and will speak only French for the rest of my life.
You look nice today = You are so ugly and old it scares me to look at you.
Can I go to Gerald’s house to jam? = Gerald and I are doing it in his garage.
Gerald and I would like to go out on a date this weekend = Gerald and I are planning to conceive a child out of wedlock
That’s my favourite music = I picked this music because it has a subliminal message that will make you do my will.
Don’t you think you’ve had enough to eat? = I am going to slowly starve you to death and then run off with the insurance money.
I don’t mind working at Lilliput’s tonight = I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
This school uniform isn’t bad.= I am looking forward to a life in women’s prison.
I had 2 work l8 = Weed & I wanted 2 hang out & watch p*rn again
I don't say often enuf how much I appreciate my wife = I take D 4 granted, but she's married 2 a genius. Suck it up, woman!
I've got more freelance gigs = I've been making deposits @ Jeremy's mom's sperm bank again
I sacrifice 4 my family by working long hours & then writing in my attic until every1's asleep = I hide fr. my family b/c I'm afraid of them
I've had some good feedback on the Kelpfroth article = the feedback was @ least 75% negative
At night, lying next to Deanna, I listen to the voices of the characters downstairs. = At night, lying next to Deanna, I listen to the voices in my head & thank God the wife's already asleep.
From her mother, Deanna inherited the ability to create soup from leftovers = Mom doesn't know how 2 make soup
April is an angsty teenager = I can't handle how she's like a million X kewler than I cd ever B
Peeps, feel free 2 add yr own in the comments!
Apes
posted by April Patterson @ 9:16 AM
38 Comments:
At 10:11 AM,
Anne said…
Hmmm....let's see: "I want a big yellow kitchen for Robin and Meredith and for Deanna - a place where she can spread out her ingredients and make soup" = I like the colour yellow an' tough s&%t if Dee doesn't, an' I'm a freakin' genius so heaven forbid I should havta help out w/cooking or cleaning.
Hope that was helpful! :-D
At 10:37 AM,
April Patterson said…
liz, i can't w8 until u have more deets 2 share. the pix u e-mailed me make him lk yummy. btw, that was a gd idea u had 2 do that im chat on purpose so mom wd find the transcript & think she was like sherlock friggin' holmes.
vicks, yeah, that also soundz like my bro!
apes
At 10:49 AM,
Anonymous said…
Manuscripts especially carry me away, and if I can make a few good adjustments, find a few errors and contribute to a potential bestseller I feel a kind of ownership.
I haven't a clue what I'm reading but I just have to add and move commas which I'm really good at. I just pin the manuscript to the wall and throw darts at it, where a dart lands I put a comma. Sometimes I like to spice things up and put semi-colons. If the authors have questions on the placements I just remind them that I'm a well known, educated journalist. Tell 'em it's "journalistic writing". When Dee asks what all the noise is in the attic I tell her, "I'm just banging out ideas for my next article, dear." Ha, I kill me.
-A
PS: April, my mom found out I know you. I suck at lying. I'll have more to tell you on that later.
At 10:58 AM,
April Patterson said…
lol, alexandra, that was xcellent & so true!
apes
p.s. sorry abt yr ma, but glad 2 know yr name!
At 11:37 AM,
Anonymous said…
April,
I don't know how to break this to you but from the looks of your "Fake Blog" someone took a bad mold of their penis and called it "I Dream of Genie". I wondering, do you know what that's about? Is is suppose to be Constable Wright and "I Dream of Elizabeth"? If so, Liz, run!
-A
At 11:50 AM,
April Patterson said…
nah, the fake blog is, like, totally random. my mom totally luvs it & she's alwayz giving me random stuff 2 add on, or steph the web designer sendz me stuff 2. sometymz steph has an odd sense of humour. w/that weird genie thing, 1 of my mom's customerz e-mailed a pic 2 her & she forwarded 2 me, all "april, this is just gorgeous, u must put it on yr watchacallit? bog? smog?" lol.
apes
At 12:14 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, liz, i think u musta left yr 'puter unattended around jesse again! u totally hafta not do that! jesse! stop trying 2 impersonate my sis!
apes
At 12:29 PM,
April Patterson said…
man, liz, i hope little jesse doesn't go totally nuts on u! i'd keep an eye on him!
apes
At 12:39 PM,
Anonymous said…
april. my comment iz “i want a back yard and a swing set and a puppy for the kids to play ball with.” = a puppy throwz a ball better ‘n i do.
my mom sez she will pick up u & ger @ ur houses @5 4 the dinner theatre. we meet my future dad & sis there. thanx 4 sayin’ u wud go.
At 12:41 PM,
April Patterson said…
ok, i'll b ready @ 5, & no prob.
it's true, pups do throw a ball better'n mike does! lol.
apes
At 1:08 PM,
howard said…
April,
My comment for your collection of Mike-isms taken from his monthly letter is:
“With luck, either the neighbours or my family will have moved from here soon.” = I can’t wait to live by myself, so I can buy this place and take a jackhammer to the basement, or shut off hot water, or refinish flooring with a varnish that smells like “feet” and no one can stop me.
I mentioned your mom’s conversation and Mike's translation to Tracey Mayes and she said, “That’s just one of the reasons I went for Gordon instead of Mike. Mike had a warped perspective even in high school. Gordon was more down-to-earth.” At this point, Gordon came into the restaurant and said, “What tha dilly yo, Howard? Are you and my fly girl bringing home the Benjamins in your hood or what?” I said, “I think so.” Then Gordon said, “Thass dope. OK. Peace out.” And then Gordon went back to the garage. Tracey said, “Maybe Mike would have been a better choice. I can’t wait until Gordon gets done with this bling-bling phase.”
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:21 PM,
April Patterson said…
lol on gordo's bling. i had 2 bite my tongue 2 keep fr. lol when i heard him doing that when we came by on halloween 2 show u our costumes. but he'll prolly get over it b4 2 long. but mike will alwayz b mike!
becks, i know! that paul guy is so hott there's smoke i can c fr. here!
apes
At 2:06 PM,
howard said…
April,
You are so right about Paul Wright. I looked at those pictures, and he is quite yummy. Good thing I am with Brenda Starr, or I might have to make a trip back to Mtigwaki to give Elizabeth a little competition.
What am I saying? There's no man worth going to Mtigwaki! I wish Kortney was here to slap me. I'll ask Fiona Brass, if she'll do it.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 5:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
liz, april wunted me 2 post u that my mom & me picked up her & gerald 2 go 2 the dinner theatre w/us & my future family. she got ur message & she'z sez she alreddy knows wut she'z gonna do.
At 5:23 PM,
Anonymous said…
My precious pregnant little poppy blossom,
Do not worry, my love. After I read Liz's note about our impending blessed event, I sat down and worked out how to take care of my burgeoning little family. I looked in the classifieds and found the following job:
Wanted: Activities director for halfway house in Milborough. Must have musical training and be familiar with prison favorites like "Kumbaya" and "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot." Must also have knife skills. Call 555-2635.
I figure I am perfect for this job, especially since my Grandpa taught me how to whittle this past summer. It pays $15 an hour. We will have to live with my parents for awhile, but I am confident that we will be very happy together, just you and me and the fruit of our loins.
Devotedly yours, the father of your baby, Gerald
At 5:26 PM,
Anonymous said…
I posted that last message just as Jeremy's mother pulled up in front of my house and honked the horn. My expectant little April keeps insisting that there's been some kind of misunderstanding, but I don't know what she means. Pregnant women are so irrational.
I'm using her telephone to post this. Please help us think of some names for our bundle of joy. I am suggesting the following:
Geraldine for a girl
Patterson for a boy
But April is still screaming, so I don't think she likes either name. Please help! I don't know how to calm down a pregnant woman's raging hormones.
Gerald
At 5:33 PM,
Anonymous said…
becks. apes wunts me 2 post u ‘bout the dinner theatre so u don’t feel left out since u r stuck babysitting. we r still n the car goin’ 2 to. ger & april r n the back. ger keeps goin’ on ‘bout b-ing a father & april keeps sayin’ u can’t b a father if ur a virgin, but then ger starts talkin’ ‘bout immaculate conception & how he keeps his room immaculate, so mayb that counts. my mom knows all ‘bout conception stuff, since that’s her job, & she iz tryin’ 2 help april, but ger just goez, “la la la.la la la. this father can’t hear u.” with hiz fingerz n hiz ears. it’s pretty funny, but i don’t think april wud agree.
At 5:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
OK, this is what I've decided for baby names:
Boy: John Patterson Millicent Delaney-Forsythe
Girl: Geraprildina Pattersonia Forsythe
April has already become hysterical from the raging hormones in her body. I shouldn't be too surprised. Dr. Patterson says that the women of his family are prone to such hormone-fueled irrationality, like Mrs. Patterson when she's pregnant or going through menopause, or my delicate little April when she's going through puberty or is knocked up.
Sincerely yours, the future father, Gerald Forsythe
At 6:03 PM,
Anonymous said…
Does anyone know where April and I can go sign up for some Lamaze classes? I know it's early, but it seems that my darling April is already having trouble breathing. She's all red in the face and foaming at the mouth.
Please hurry. I am worried about my little angel. Surely it can't be good for her to stop breathing, not to mention bad for the little bun in the oven.
Gratefully yours, Gerald Forsythe
"World's Best Dad"
At 6:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
Poll:
Do you folks think it would be better if April and I:
A. Get married right away so that our baby won't be a bastard; OR
B. Wait until the baby is born to get married, so my tender little morsel won't look fat in her wedding dress.
I look forward to your replies.
Sincerely yours,
Gerald Forsythe
Husband and father (to be)
At 6:08 PM,
Anonymous said…
I just want to say to all the upperclassmen who questioned my manhood while giving me swirlies in the boys' bathroom--this proves that I am the manly man I always said I was. It takes a real man to impregnate his 14 year old girlfriend. A "girly boy" can't do that. Mrs. Hudson taught us that in health class so you can't deny it. Just because I have good manners doesn't mean I don't have strong sperm.
Sincerely yours,
Gerald Millicent Delaney-Forsythe
School Stud
At 6:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
becks. we got 2 the toronto little dinner theatre & met up w/my future dad & future sis. i think april & my mom got gerald 2finally b-lieve april wuzn’t preggers & i don’t know if he rilly agreez, but he haz stopping talkin’ ‘bout baby namez neway, tho he keeps posting stuff, so who knowz?
mom introduced every1 2 each othah & then we went n2 the theatre. the theatre iz kinda small & haz tablez n front of the stage. my mom & future dad r sittin’ @ a table 4 2. the adult’s table. the kid’z table seats 4 & that’s where we r sittin’.
the way it works iz they take our food orderz & we eat & then the show starts. my future sis sat down & sed 2 april & gerald, “so. tell me the dirt on my future bro.” april looked a little mbarrased & sed, “there’z not much 2 tell.” but gerald wuz, “ru kiddin? my precious little lotus blossom haz lots of dirt on jeremy. she evn rote a song ‘bout him.” my future sis sed, “rilly? i wud love 2 hear it.” i sed, “no u wudn’t.” april sed, “i don’t think i shud sing it. it’s not very nice.” gerald sed, “oh the pregnancy haz made u shy. i will sing then.” & then gerald sang every last verse of “germy wormy jeremy jones.” my future sis sed, “wow! that’s an interesting song. jeremy did u like that song?” i sed, “not rilly.” then gerald said, “he h8ed it. thass y he tried 2 run down april on his bike, but then he got hit by a car.” april sed, “gerald!” my future sis sed, “ok. u guyz r just tryin’ 2 trick me. if u got hit by a car jeremy, then u must have scars.” & then my future sis grabbed my shirt &pulled it up outa my pants 2 look @ my chest. then she sed, “wow jeremy, those r sum pretty good scarz. sorry.” gerald sed, “i told u.” then my future sis sed, “april, if jeremy wuz tryin’ 2 run u ovah, yru here? i thot jeremy wuz bringin’ hiz friendz 2nite.” gerald sed, “jeremy duzn’t have ne friendz. wen he wuz n the hospital, april wuz the only 1 n the whole skool 2 go c him.” my future sis sed, “wow. that was rilly, rilly nice of u, april. i bet jeremy iz nice 2 u evah since, right?” gerald sed, “no way. he gets on april’s real blog & callz her a loser or lame or just stupid.” my future sis sed, “jeremy. iz he lyin?” i sed, “no”, cuz i don’t like lyin’, evn tho my future sis didn’t wanna hear that answer. then my future sis sed, “april, i think u & me need 2 have a talk w/o the boyz. let’s go 2 the ladeez room.” then april & my future sis left. gerald iz saying, “ur n trubble now jer. it’s alwayz bad newz wen the ladeez go off 2 the ladeez room.” neway, they r there now, while i am typing this & tryin’ 2 ignore gerald.
At 6:11 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg. i finally got my phone back fr. ger, but he's tugging @ my arms cuz he sez he wants 2 post again. hold on, i've gotta smack his hand! ::smack::
ok, there is no way i am pregnant! i can't believe gerald believes this. he of all ppl shd know this can't b true. even w/"strong sperm". mayB his dad will set him str8 l8r. god i hope so.
fricken dad, gettin' ma all thinking i'm preggers. what an idiot. thanx 4 trying 2 help, liz. well, gotta go, ger's yanking my arm again.
apes
At 6:17 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jeremy has kindly pointed out to me that the name "Geraprildina" is hard to pronounce. He thinks we should think of a nickname if we have a daughter. He has kindly suggested "Gerbil." What do you all think?
Sincerely yours, Gerald
Future Fantastic Father
At 6:35 PM,
April Patterson said…
aargh! i can't believe all this!
neway, the posting sequence on here got a little wonky w/the post of mine that came in @ the same time as jeremy's. but he's rite, i went 2 have that talk w/jeremy's future sis, & what i did was xplain how jeremy's spent a bunch of time w/my group of friends cuz of being becky's roadie & also being her sorta-but-not-officially bf 4 a while, & how it was obvs he really cared abt becky. so i can't h8 sum1 who cares so much abt my bud. & i told her the whole thing abt how he was so scared 4 her when she was all sick fr. the gps devices, & this showed me even more how he cared so much. & so on. the future sis, was like, "so he's got, like, redeeming qualities", & i'm like, "yeh, totally". she smiled & thanked me, & we went back 2 our table. the show is starting, so more l8r.
apes
p.s. it's not yr fault, liz. god, what is mike's damage?
At 6:51 PM,
Anonymous said…
My voluptuous little (baby) vessel, you have not weighed in on the "bastard" versus "fat in the wedding dress" controversy. Also, what do you think of "Geraprildina" for a boy OR a girl? I think I am in love with that name.
Devotedly yours, your husband Gerald
At 6:59 PM,
April Patterson said…
o.m.g. 1st of all, u need 2 stop posting during the play, even tho it's so lame the audience's mostly staring like they can't believe it.
gerald. i am not pregnant. NOT. PREGNANT. we r not engaged or married. we don't have 2 decide on "bastard" or "fat wedding dress" cuz I'M NOT PREGNANT.
if i were pregnant (WHICH I AM NOT) i wd never allow my kid 2 b named geraprildina. or gerbil. if u don't want yr kids 2 kill u in yr sleep 1 day, u don't give 'em names like that.
apes, sending this as discreetly as poss during this terrible play.
At 7:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
becks. my future sis & april came back frum the ladeez room. my future sis sed 2 me, “future bro. april haz nuthin but gud thingz 2 say ‘bout u.” gerald made a little squeaking noise wen he heard that. then my future sis sed, “jeremy i want ur most solemn sacred promise that u will nevah, evah be mean 2 april agin.” i sed, “can i still b mean 2 gerald?” my future sis sed, “of course.” so i sed, “then it’s a promise.” my future sis wuz happy ‘bout that & april looked happy 2. gerald looked a little ticked off tho. neway, we looked in the program 4 april’s bro & this is wut it sed. i will try 2 type this the way it luks in the program:
Michael Patterson, Play Modernizer. Graduated from The School of Journalism at The University of Western Ontario. He is at least at this moment, working as the Senior Editor at Portrait Magazine where he started as a writer. Portrait Magazine has won two excellence in photojournalism awards during his tenure and Michael Patterson is entirely responsible. In addition to working at Portrait Magazine, Michael writes a newspaper column, "Edgewise," which is carried in 7 weekly papers, including the Clarion Weekly. He has edited novels written by renowned historian, “Ima Liyeaur” and popular mystery author, “C.S.I. Ripov.” He edited the screenplays for the movies, “The World’s Nastiest Neighbours” and “Zombies Ate My Neighbours.” Michael and his friend and lifelong companion Joseph Weeder have produced 2 coffee table books profiling accomplished Canadians, which have met with moderate success. Michael has been editing works by several new playwrights, and modernizing some Shakespeare, Brecht and Coward for a post-millenial audience. This modernization of William Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet” is his first modernization to be produced. Michael’s dream is to one day write a novel of his own that he has tentatively titled, “The Murder of Farley.” Michael lives somewhere near Toronto with his family and dedicates this modernization to his beloved mother, Elly Patterson, who puts the grand in grandmother.
At 7:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
i'm posting again cuz of that "murder of farley" thing. omg, liz, do u think mayB the reason mike is being like that is cuz he blames me 4 farley dyin' after he rescued me? i was just a lil kid who had an accident & farley saved my life. & then farley's heart gave out. how can mike think that's some1 murdering farley?
apes
At 7:42 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh, god. god, god, god.
in other news, it's obvs that mike doesn't understand the shakespeare english he was tryin' 2 modernize. like, he totally thinx "wherefore" meanz where, when we totally learned in english that it's "why". we just did romeo & juliet in grade-9 english, & it seems like ger, jeremy, & i all understood it better'n michael "genius writer/modernizer" did.
btw, mike, i'll bet u didn't know that the 1st time romeo & juliet meet, their dialogue w/ea other forms a sonnet, & then l8r in the play there r times when it's like they almost form 1 but not quite. it's supposed 2 b this big symbolism of how messed up everything is. but mike, u don't know what a sonnet is, do u? it's a poetry form. mayB d uses sum old sonnets in her soups, arsewipe!
geez, @ least romeo & juliet's 'rents didn't think she was pg, tho she cd have gotten preggers cuz she & romeo DID have sex. unlike me & gerald. we, y'know, have NOT had sex. geesh.
liz, i'll ask mom 2 take my 2 her ob/gyn so we can get this settled. 1ce & 4 all.
apes
At 8:05 PM,
Anonymous said…
becks. the 1st half iz ovah. april duzn’t think it iz very gud, but she iz upset ‘bout that “murder of farley” thing in her bro’s bio. i think it iz hysterical. they did sword fites w/broomz & plaster shieldz in plastic bags & then these guyz dressed like dogs came on2 the stage & ripped up the plastic bags w/their teeth & put the plaster all ovah everything. then the lady playin’ the nurse came & grabbed the plaster pieces & started yelling, “eviction. eviction.”
my future dad iz rilly artsy & he wuz saying ovah & ovah 2 my mom, “it’s ‘o romeo, romeo! wherefore art thou romeo? deny thy father, and refuse thy name; or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and i’ll no longer be a capulet.’ not ‘romeo, come up here off that fire escape & get u sum lovin’.’ he didn’t like the broomz & plaster either. he sed, “the line iz ‘i will bite my thumb at them’ & not ‘rite a column satirizing them.’”
i think it’s gr8. i can’t w8 2 c the 2nd half.
At 9:15 PM,
April Patterson said…
u can c fr. what jeremy wrote that mike cdn't even resist working in his own stuff fr his lame-o life. mike, lovey & the kelps rn't supposta b in a romeo & juliet adaptation. u rn't either! twit!
apes, not pg
At 9:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dear Friends,
Does anyone know where I can find a support group for parents who have experienced miscarriage? My beloved little April tells me she is no longer pregnant. I am devastated.
However, if Dr. Patterson still wants me to marry April, I will happily do so. The shotgun is not necessary.
Sincerely yours, Gerald
P.S.--I am outraged that Mike would insinuate that April murdered Farley. I remember when that happened and it was totally an accident. April didn't mean to kill Farley. She was too young to know what happens when you hold a dog's head underwater for too long.
At 9:55 PM,
April Patterson said…
omg, ger, i did not hold farley's head under water, wtf did u get that idea? he held my head above water. geez, don't u know nething? there was a big story on the newz when this happened & u can c a summary that steph the web designer put tog.
wow, becks, it soundz like those kids r troubled!
apes
At 9:56 PM,
April Patterson said…
oh & i didn't have a miscarriage cuz I WAS NEVER PREGNANT, u freak!
apes
At 10:11 PM,
Anonymous said…
OMG April! I don't know how my mom is going react when she founds out you're pregnant! Have you put into any thought of keeping the pregnancy a secret!? If you keep wearing bigger and bigger clothes apparently you can keep the pregnancy a secret the entire nine months. I've heard of girls giving birth quietly in the bathroom. I don't know how you practice for that. I'll try to keep this a secret as long as possible. You know I suck at keeping secrets!
Actually my mom might be relieved to hear your pregnant. I wonder if I should tell her. ::Pondering::
See, last night before I went to bed I was sitting at my computer, staring at it, cursing the total lack of email when my mom walked in. Well since I didn't have any email open and no other programs, I was just staring at my empty inbox, my mom was more interesting so I gave her my full attention. She says, "I heard what Elly did to the Village Idiot" (your sister, remember?) "I want you to know I will never do that to you." I was totally thinking, "What's that? Let me out of the house?" Instead I said, "Because that would mean actually thinking I have a chance with the guys?" Okay instead of getting, like, all mean because I just gave her back talk she steps towards me and says, as she gives me a hug, "No, because I don't want you to think you need a guy in your life to be of worth." Then when she let go of me, she had tears in her eyes. It was really kind of ... I don't know. Freaky and touching.
So, like, a few minutes later, after thinking about what she said I went out to the living room where she was sitting playing her card game. I said, "Mom I have something to do tell you." And she said, "You're seeing that Patterson girl aren't you?" and I started to say, "Well, I don't think that's the right ..." and before I could finish my sentence my dad starts yelling from the other room. "OMG! I knew it! Ever since you were a little girl. I knew the first time I took you to Home Depot and your eyes lit up when we entered Tool World! I just knew!" By this time he was out in the living room. I was kind of dumbfounded. I was like, "No, we're only friends. Honest." And mom, she goes, never looking up from her poker game, "Rob, calm down. It's high school, she's experimenting." I'm just standing there, speechless. Experimenting? My dad, he turns to my mom and says, "Like your brother Joe was just experimenting? How is Josephine anyway?" I had no idea my Aunt Joey was once an Uncle.
My dad went back into the other room, talking to himself about something ... And my mom, she put her poker game away and said to me, she said, "Alex, if this Patterson girl makes you happy, than I'm happy for you." And I said, "We're only friends, mom," and she said, "Sure, sure, if that's what you want to call it. She's your 'friend'. I don't like that you went behind my back, and you know I don't like that little Crack Whore, but if you want to be her 'friend' you're old enough to make that decision." and then she, like, takes a breath and says really motherly like, "But if your grades start to slip I will reign you in so fast you'll suffer whiplash!" And I said, "Oh no! That won't happy mom. April's sister is a teacher, if I have any questions with homework or anything, I can ask Liz. I sure she won't mind." and mom said, nearly choking on her laughter, "That Village Idiot! Please honey, it's too late for such jokes!"
I thought that might be the last of it but then my dad yelled out from the other room, "What's the number for the 700 Club. Allie, get in and find the number online. I heard they have Re-orientation Classes. I'm going to sign you up!"
So that's why I can post under my name now ... I really have no idea if I'm in trouble or not. Mom and I are doing, like, a mother daughter thing this weekend. She's going to take me out gambling.
Adrianne
At 10:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
Dearest April,
I found a copy of the latest Clarion Weekly in the lobby during intermission, and in it there is an interview with Mike. In it, he says that Farley died when his little sister, who he calls "June" to protect her identity, held the dog's head underwater. He says that "June" claims it was just an accident, and that she was experimenting to see if Farley could swim like a fish. But Mike says that he believes there is a more sinister truth behind the story.
If it wasn't true, a beacon of journalistic integrity like the Clarion couldn't print it, right?
I love you anyway, my delicate little petunia. Don't be upset. I know you are disappointed not to be having my love child. Don't worry, we can always try again, maybe when we are more grown up. Like in Grade 11.
Sincerely your lover forever, and the future father of your offspring, Gerald
At 1:16 AM,
Anonymous said…
becks. we r finally back home. i’m sorry i wuzn’t gud ‘bout keepin’ u current, but it soundz like u mite have been 2 bizzy w/martha’s kidz 2 notice.
aftah the play wuz ovah, my future dad & mom got a little upset w/each other ‘bout the play. the 2nd half wuz not az gud az the 1st half & all of us got confuzed. my future dad sed, “the reason y u r confused iz bcuz n the real romeo & juliet, juliet duz not play the part of the apothecary 2. they r 2 separate parts. plus, @ the end, romeo duz not run off w/mercutio afta juliet mixes up her potionz & gets pregnant. n the real romeo & juliet, they both kill themselves, becuz they think the other 1 iz dead” my mom sed, “take it ez. it’s just a play.” but my future dad wuz, “i have seen the greatest playrite n the world destroyed n front of my very eyez.”
i sed, “wut ‘bout that guy n the striped prison outfit & the lady n the girl’s skool uniform? were they n the real play?” my future dad sed, “i don’t think they evn were part of the show. the lady wuz yellin’ sumthing ‘bout not evah wunting 2 c the name mike patterson agin, & aftah c-ing hiz work, i agree w/her.” i asked april ‘bout it, but she wudn’t say nething. gerald sed 2 april, “my little buttercup, wen i get u pregnant i won’t run off w/ne guy. ur safe w/me.” my future sis sed 2 gerald, “lay off the pregnancy talk. she’z upset by this stuff her bro rote ‘bout her killin’ her dog.” gerald got a little quiet afta that, but he kept mumbling 2 himself ‘bout mayb namin’ hiz kidz farley.
neway, aftah the show, we went 2 a place 4 coffee. april sed she needed sumthin 2 calm down afta c-ing her bro’s article n the clarion. plus she sed she wud prefer 2 get home afta her mom & dad were alreddy asleep. aftah coffee, we sed bye 2 my future sis & dad & we went back 2 m-boro. my future sis sed, “b sure 2 watch out 4 april. her bf iz not subtle ‘bout wanting 2 get her pg.”
well, wen we got 2 april’s house, the lites were still on & april sed, “this isn’t gud.” she wuz rite. her mom & dad came chargin’ outa the house. april’s dad grabbed me & sed, “how cud u get my little april preggers.” gerald sed, “oh, i can xxplain that. uc, 1st the man gets xxcited &…” april sed, “shut up, gerald. dad, jeremy did not get me pg.” april’s mom sed, “well we know it wuzn’t gerald.” & gerald sed, “wuttya mean? i cud get april pg, if she wud just let me.” & april’s mom sed, “shut up gerald.” but then my mom sed, “u got april pg & won’t stand up 4 her? ur just like ur father.” then my mom starts hittin’ me w/the copy of the clarion & i start running 2 get away frum her. wen my mom iz n a “i’m just like dad” mood, she hits hard. then april’s mom & dad start chasing me 2. az i go by april’s house, their 2 dogz start chasing me & april iz chasing aftah them & sayin’, “no mom. dad. i’m not pg.” & gerald wuz still sittin’ n the car goin’ “how cud u b pg w/jeremy? i wunted 2 be ur speshal baby factry supplier. my heart iz broken agin.”
neway, its all ovah now. i got dog bites & bruises & scratches on my face where april’s dad & the dogz chased me thru the bushes. april had 2 do a sacred swear on her g-ma marian’s grave that she wuzn’t pg 2 get them 2 stop hittin’ me. on the way home, my mom wuz sayin’, “1ce agin ur r injured & 1ce agin u deserve it.”
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