April's Real Blog

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Now it's a stargazing party

Wow, I guess those Mtiggylala folks lead really dull lives. They went all crayzee when they heard Lizzie has a map of the stars.* One person told another, who told 2 friends, who also told 2 friends, & so on, & so on. This Marg person told Liz, "It looks like most of the village is coming to your stargazing party, Elizabeth!" & when Liz sed, "Wow. I never expected it to be a party", Marg was all, "Well, it is now!!" I dunno, mayB I'm, like, a stiff southern-Ontario type, but it seems a lil bit wrong 2 turn a lesson in2 a party. Well, I've sed it B4, but I'm guessing Liz has learned not 2 tell her students they can bring NE1 they want 2 NEthing from now on.

In other news, if U haven't already, U totally have 2 read about the revenge prank that Dee, Carleen, Sabina Khan, and that model Sophia played on Weed an' Mike (C yesterday's comments). Ha ha, Weed, this time U got 2 wet yr pants!

Apes out

* I mite B able 2 understand if they thought it was a "map of the stars' homes" in the Hollywood sense, but it seemz clear they knew it was stars in the sky. & besidez, they're 2 far fr. Hollywood 2 visit those homes, NEway. So, whatevs.


  • At 9:32 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Your story about your sister Elizabeth reminded me of yet another story about when Kortney Krelbutz and I were in Mtigwaki months ago. You know I probably should have done a better job telling these stories when I came back, but sometimes I have a poor memory and need a story from someone else to remind me.

    Kortney and I had gone to a little store called Goulais Grocery to get some snacks and “supplies for the night” if you know what I mean. While we were there, I pulled out a map of Ontario, to plan where we would travel next.

    The man behind the counter said, “I’m Phil Goulais, owner of this establishment. What’s that you have there?”
    I said, “It’s a map of Ontario.”
    Phil said, “A map of Ontario. Wow! That’s news. I’m going to call Margaret and the girls at the nursing station. Then Margaret can call Andrea McGraw, who can then call the McCleods. We have to call all our Scottish natives specifically, so they won’t feel left out and especially because they have the best liquour. I’m bringing the smokes, traps, and bait for a small fee, of course.”

    Kortney said, “Excuse me. Why are you calling all these people?”
    Phil Goulais said, “When people hear you have a map of Ontario, they will want the news to get around fast! Most of the village would come to your mapgazing party!”

    Kortney said, “Mapgazing party? Who said anything about having a party? It’s just a map of Ontario. Virtually everyone in Ontario has one!”
    Phil Goulais, “Not here in Mtigwaki. Maps are an extremely rare item that must be celebrated when they appear. Wow. I never expected it to be a party for a map today.”

    Kortney grabbed the map from my hands and said, “Get off that phone you gray-haired old geezer with a bad black toupee on the top of your head, or the map gets it.” And then she put her lighter up to the map as if to set it on fire. Phil Goulais put down the phone and was muttering Ojibway curses as we backed out of his store with the lighter held to the map the whole way. A narrow escape. I’m sorry your sister was not as fortunate. Maybe if she put a lighter to her star map. Just a thought.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:41 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, those mtighooha peeps sound so freekee, i don't know how liz can stand them! lol.


  • At 10:28 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i m gonna call my mom's lawyer an' on the next lucky law day i'm gonna sue jeremy 4 copyrite infraction.


  • At 11:59 AM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Ur version sounds way more cube, Becks! Speaking of love songs, I've been listening to some of Marjee's CDs of 80's metal bands, an' I just loved Crimson Glory's "Strange and Beautiful." U an Apes could do a killer acoustic version of it. I'll burn it on2 a CD if u like.

  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    that'd b gr8, vicks, i'd luv 2 hear that!


  • At 1:12 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends and my lubricious little lemon wedge,

    As you all know, French is my third class of the day. Unfortunately, while Becky and Duncan are also in that class, my ample little April has French during fifth period, a thorny little problem that not even the most persuasive bribery (napoleons and eclairs from Mrs. McGuire's bakery) has been able to correct.

    Anyway, when I came to third period today, Becky and Duncan were sitting in the back of the room with their desks pulled together. They were, as my prurient little Patterson would put it, engaged in an act of l'amour de la bouche. This was okay becasue Madame Petitbateau was very, very late, and so they had plenty of time to finish up. In fact, some of us took bets on how long they could kiss without breathing, and I won $7 for correctly guessing "2 minutes and 27 seconds." I wish my kissing kuddlelump and I could be so free and open. She makes me pretend to be untangling her barrette whenever we kiss at school, just in case someone is watching. I don't think it's fooling anyone, though. I mean, if I were really trying to untangle a barrette, wouldn't I be looking at it, rather than closing my eyes and smashing my face against April's? Oh well, she says that she's a Patterson and that Pattersons know best.

    Well, when Madame Petitbateau came into class, she had the principal with her. He looked very, very angry, and he said, "Ms. McGuire, Mr. Anderson, and Mr. Forsythe, please report to my office right away." I thought maybe he was going to perform an emergency intervention to try to get 4-Evah back together again, but Becky hit me over the head and said that was stupid, and that the principal didn't care about our band. This made me tear up a little, so we had to stop by Nurse Horbreth's office on the way so I could pick up some tissues.

    When we got to the principal's office, who should we find there but my dad! He looked very angry. He said, "Ms. McGuire, you've missed your last two therapy appointments." And Becky said, "Well, I thought I was cured." But Dad said, "Your psyche is in worse shape than ever, young lady!" Then there was a lot of arguing. I didn't understand it all, mostly because everyone was talking over top of one another, but in essence, Dad is angry that Becky is dating Duncan, when he believes Becky broke up with Jeremy so she could go out with me.

    Becky: Why would I dump Jeremy for Gerald?
    Dad (Dr. F): Well, you must admit, he is quite handsome.
    Becky: I don't know.
    Dr. F: Come on! He looks just like Bobby Curtola.
    Becky: Well, I'm sorry, but I am already hooked up with Dunc.
    Dr. F: Rebecca, you do realize that what they say about black men isn't true, don't you?
    Becky: I don't think my dad would lie to me.
    Dr. F: What about your mother? What does she have to say about your new relationship with Mr. Anderson?
    Becky: "Always use a condom and watch your back, because there's always going to be some sistah wanting to shiv you for dating a brotha."
    Dr. F: That's it?
    Becky: Well, both Mom and Dad say that I need to watch out, because with a name like "Anderson," he's probably part Swedish, which means he's probably going to turn out to be an ill-tempered alcoholic.
    Dunc: Well, with a name like McGuire, your dad is probably gonna be an alcoholic too!
    Becky: He is, but Irish alcoholics are good-natured. Everyone knows that.
    Dunc: That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.
    Becky: Well, you have to admit, you're acting pretty ill-tempered right now.
    Dunc: Am not.
    Dr. F: Exactly! Did you know that Forsythe is also an Irish name? It means "an honest man." Don't you want to date an honest man, Rebecca?
    Becky: But your real name is Delaney.
    Dr. F: You're right! And did you know that Delaney is derived from the name of an old town in the Burgundy region of France?
    Becky: French Burgundy? Sounds like your family's a bunch of alcoholics too!
    Principal: Hmm...perhaps we should have an assembly about the dangers of alcohol abuse. I wonder if that nice nurse who did the birth control assembly could come back?
    Dr. F: Can we talk about that later? What's important now is that Rebecca here is dating the wrong man.
    Gerald: Dad, I have a girlfriend.
    Dr. F: Son, I am trying to save you from a sexually barren life with a fat, bitter hag! Why can't you appreciate that?
    Gerald: Umm...because I still have unresolved Oedipal issues?
    Dr. F: At least you've been listening during our sessions! Okay, where were we?
    Principal: Rampant alcoholism in the school.
    Dr. F: Right! No, wait!
    Principal: I'm sorry, doctor, but I don't think a problem like rampant alcoholism is something that can wait. I think I need to call an emergency assembly right now.

    So we all got dismissed to go straight to the auditorium for an emergency assembly on alcoholism. I'm pretty sure April will want to tell us all about it.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 1:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ger, i'll post abt the assemly l8r, but rite now i m just so pissed abt how yr dad is stereotyping me. & trying 2 break us up. god, what an arse!


  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    of all the stereotypes in that conversation all u can pick out is the 1 little 1 abt u, apes? sheesh u r really self-centered.


  • At 2:02 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    OMG, what a jackarse Gerald's dad is! NEway, Apes or Becks can fill everyone n on the deets, but the principal chose a hilarious movie 4 the assembly: this CBC afterschool special from like 1978 about peer pressure. Little Suzy has one can of Molson's and she's bombed....lol. An' then she's no longer on the honor roll an' she's kicked off the varsity curling team. I love those warning films, so totally not realistic!

  • At 2:06 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    no kidding u have 2 get caught drunk like 8 or 9 times b4 they actually get around 2 kicking u off the curling team esp if ur varsity man we take r curling way 2 seriously up here.

    apes sorry 2 b so harsh but man something abt ur post really rubbed me the wrong way. i'd think u'd b pissed that dr. f stereotypes ur best friend an' ur bf 2 but no it's all u u u. i dunno mayb i'm just pissed cuz i read ur monthly letters an' it reminds me every time how we have 2 pretend 4 ur bitch mom an' sometimes i just want 2 kill her. or u. y can't u stand up 2 her yet???


  • At 3:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'm sorry, becks. u r rite, i did have a totally self-centred response 2 that post cuz it's a really sore spot 4 me rite now how ger's dad is trying 2 break us up & he's decided i m a frigid patterson. but don't 4get that in 2 other recent posts i was also totally p.o.-ed that he stereotyped u as a slut & earlier 2day i mentioned how we both pinky-swore the same thing abt not going past 2nd b4 we turn 16. u r rite abt the other stereotyping in that convo. ger's dad is a jackarse in more wayz than 1.

    btw, i did stand up 2 my mom. i sed, "mom, u know what? becky & i r not in a fite. we're friends. deal." & she sed, "oh, how nice that u r on speaking terms w/her. she's a gd kid & her mom is my bff." that was abt a month ago, & it's y my mom had the comments she did in last month's letter. no matter what i say 2 mom, she somehow hears what she wants 2 hear.


  • At 3:54 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok, sorry 2 b so pissy. i m having a bad week as u know. well xxcept 4 the parts where dunc an' i make out those r the bomb. u know i used 2 make fun of him 4 the grape lip gloss but it makes kissing a lot tastier. u should have gerald try it.

    well i can't wait 4 u 2 tell abt the assembly cuz dunc an' i totally skipped it 2 make out under the tray dispenser in the cafeteria.


  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no prob, becks. neway, that assembly. dunc & i r totally gonna bond ovr this. u c, it seemz the principal wanted 2 get dunc's mom 2 do this emergency assembly, but she felt so bad abt embarrassing dunc b4 that she sed she cdn't do it. so guess who the princ. called next? yup, my mom! u mite b wondering what kinda qualifications my mom mite have 2 do an assembly like this. if u guessed "none", then u r way smarter than the principal! i think my mom believes that being a meddler is all she needz 4 this kinda thing.

    neway, vicks already mentioned the filmstrip. the assembly opened w/that. then my mom went in2 a big speech abt the evils of alcohol & how we shdn't touch the "satan juice", @ least not until we're legally of age. but even then, we'd have 2 b v. v. careful not 2 become abusive alcholics. she said some1 v. near & dear 2 her, whom she'd refer 2 as "fordo spayes", had a terrible alcoholic, abusing dad & that the only thing 2 str8en out that sitch was lots of hugs fr. her & stern, disapproving looks cast @ "fordo"'s dad. i sorta blocked out the rest of that. ger's pretty sure i became semi-catatonic 4 a lil while there. he totally had 2 walk me fr. the bus 2 my mom's store, but i'm ok now.


  • At 4:57 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Since my demure little dumpling had a fugue episode during the assembly, I'll tell you the rest of what Mrs. Patterson said:

    "Now children, you might be wondering why all those hugs and stern looks did not cause Fordo's father to straighten up and act right! Well, I'll tell you. It's because, once the demon rum gets ahold of you, there's no way to shake free of its grasp!

    Some of you may know local legend Mary Worth. Recently, Mrs. Worth took in a hopeless alcoholic and attempted to help her. We'll call this alcoholic Bita Regler. Well, Bita had a plausible tale of woe about her dead daughter that made everyone feel sorry for her. But in truth, Bita was a selfish bitch! Instead of gratefully accepting Mrs. Worth's homespun kindness, Bita sought out professional help at a women's shelter! Fortunately, Mrs. Worth was kind enough to give Bita another chance, and she took Bita into her home once again. Mrs. Worth even attempted to throw a party for Bita to celebrate her decision to embrace sobriety! But, despite all of Mrs. Worth's very effective wisdom and proverbs, Bita couldn't stop drinking! Not even the one about abstinence worked! In the end, Bita's story ended tragically. Her selfish and incurable addiction to "mother's ruin" led to the destruction of Mrs. Worth's priceless swan knick-knacks. Mrs. Worth suffered a complete nervous breakdown, and Rita...I mean, "Bita" began to keep company with a known motorbike gangster with Sapphic tendencies.

    So children, now you know! Once you start drinking, there's no way to stop! Alcohol will lead you down the path to criminality and lesbianism! Fortunately for our friend Fordo, he was able to resist the temptation to drink, and he was rewarded by becoming my protege. Today, he is a successful owner of a gas station-slash-car dealership-slash-trendy bistro, and he has a properly frumpy and sexually disinterested wife we will call "Maisie," and the proper two boy-and-girl child duo, who we will call "Saul" and "Sage." In their case, there won't be a precious precocious little change-of-life baby like my sweet but increasingly Martian-like April because Maisie is quite clever and had what we will call a "lubal tigation." But I'm sure Duncan's mommy covered all of that in her lecture!

    Now children, I know you need to scurry back to class, but remember--don't drink! Not even a little bit! No one can know how much demon rum it will take to get you hooked! Instead, you should all get yourselves some nice, wholesome hobbies. Trains and writing will do for the boys, and cooking and childrearing is always good for the girls. Have a great day, kids!"

  • At 5:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, so u all can c y i'd b blanking out! yow.


  • At 5:41 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yo u guyz, i don't know if ne of u noticed, but after the assembly 2day, all the guyz in skool were trying 2 get all the girlz 2 drink.

    wtg, mrs. p.


  • At 5:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i know! sum of the senior boyz dragged a few kegz 2 the parking lot after school!

    neway, i'm posting this in the car on the way 2 the restaurant where we're having robin's b-day celebration. i hafta say, that's kind of a sucky way 2 celebrate a 1st b-day. i mean, it's not like robin's gonna find a fancy restaurant fun!



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