April's Real Blog

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Gramps & the Doggie Biscuits

So yesterday Dunc posted a comment saying he saw Gramps sharing doggie biscuits w/Dixie. I was confused since Gramps had lost his Dixie privileges b/c of that Havarti incident @ the Thanksgiving dinner. He wasn't supposed 2 have another Dixie visit till Nov. 9, peeps! But sumhow he managed 2 doggie nap her, then while they were having their secret visit, Gramps wanted cookies, but Iris wdn't let him have NE, cuz the doc sez no. He was xplaining this all 2 Ma when she went ovr there 2 get Dix back & extend the doggie probation until American T-giving day, Nov. 24. He tried 2 claim it was cruel 2 deny an old man doggie visitation 4 so long, but Mom was firm.

Yesterday, Ardith Narayan, Dee's friend who usta babysit 4 Mike an' Dee, posted & sed she mite wanna get a job lookin' after Gramps. Ardith, I M sure Dee wd put in a gd word 4 U, cuz she's alwayz sed nice things abt U, but I think it wd B hard 2 convince Gramps that he needs lookin' after. Even if he is saying stuff like "It's just like the war, Dixie, just like the war. NEthing tastes gd when a man's desperate." I think it's a bit xtreme that not having cookies makes him feel all desperate & reminds him of the war, don't U, peeps?

Well, the Brenda Starr party was v. interesting, wdn't U say so, Becky, Dunc, Ger, Jeremy, & Howard? Ger seems 2 think Fiona's cat Belmont was trying 2 kill him, but I think he just liked Ger's cologne. I don't know what's going on w/Becky & Dunc now, & Keesha Grant's totally pissed @ Dunc. Then again, pretty much every1 else is pissed @ Keesha 4 going all Jerry Springer @ the party & causing a fight! Dunc's coming over w/his dad l8r, so I'll hafta C what Dunc's got 2 say abt everything.



  • At 9:46 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 catching us up on the progress of the investigation in yr last comment 2 the prior post, ms. starr. i am v. v. curious 2 c where this all leads. oh, & i m so happy that the professor cd deactivate our gps devices.


  • At 10:13 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok well all i can say is i get madder w/ every minute that goes by where dunc doesn't xplain y he kissed me.

    i m totally ticked over the starr party. i guess i performed ok but my new dress got torn. good thing howie says he thinks he can mend silk.

    well i talked 2 dad again this morning. i guess he had a special meeting w/ the prosecutor yesterday at his special farm 4 breeding sled dogs. i m not xxactly sure what happened there but dad sez he now has 100 hours of community service and a date w/ the prosecutor lined up 4 next week. whatever it takes 2 get dad home again i guess. he will prolly have 2 go back 2 mboro jail then but mayb not 4 2 long. i guess they r tired of him at the mboro jail. he wuz running some kind of dating service there when he left an' it got a lot of peeps all in an uproar i guess he matched a member of the red devils w/ a member of the vagabonds an' they fell in love so of course now half of quebec is under siege cuz of the new biker war. u prolly saw it on the news.


  • At 10:18 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, u totally rocked @ the party last nite. even after that fite, u picked up & carried on, & i overheard a buncha guests saying how poised & professional u were 2 do that. if nething, i think it will help, cuz every1 knows that stuff happens out of ne1's control & they know u still get the job done.


    p.s. dunc just got here w/his dad, so i'll c what he has 2 say.

  • At 10:46 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I was so proud of my bud last night. I am also quite excited about your upcoming newspaper interviews. Bring the dress over to my place whenever you have the chance, and I will see what I can do to mend it.

    I am so glad to hear about your father's light sentence in Saskatoon and his transfer back to Milborough. When I asked my lawyer about it, he said that if the Crown believed your dad was about to perform the robbery, there would be a 3 years jail time minimum. So, I guess the judge must have believed your dad when he said he wasn't planning a robbery. I know how much you miss your dad and frankly I think he needs to relearn a few societal skills on the outside. When I was in jail with him, he did set me up on a few dates. But that was before I met Brenda Starr. She told me that her Starrdust wears off after awhile and I should remember my true orientation. It may be Brenda's way of telling me she is still in love with Basil St. John, which I can understand because he is really good-looking and quite a videographer. All I know is that I have never felt this strongly about someone before. Oh well, if it ends, it ends. But if there is a chance it won't end, then I have to go for it.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:08 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i don't know what the deal wuz all i know is the prosecutor fixed it up 4 dad. dad sez that it's cuz the prosecutor wants his body but i also think mayb some of dad's bandido friends mite of threatened the prosecutor an' the judge. or it could b that they want 2 keep dad out of the saskatoon jail 4 fear he'll start another romeo an' juliet kinda feud there 2.


  • At 11:10 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends,

    I am happy to report that when I saw Keesha Grant and Becky down on the ground, wrestling and pulling hair, Big Ger and the Boys came back to full functionality.

    April my love, please remember our bathtub date this afternoon. Don't forget your swimsuit!

    Devotedly yours, Gerald

  • At 11:56 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, ger, dunc sez he'll walk me ovr after we're dun jammin'.

    becks, i tried asking dunc wtf is going on w/him & u but he just mumbled sumthin' abt dancing 2 bajan muzik & "becky's so talented" then he was totally changing the subj.


  • At 2:15 PM, Anonymous keesha grant said…

    wow, i haven't been following this blog 4 a while & now i'm all caught up w/dunc & becky dancing @ that bajan restaurant, & dunc tryin' 2 french becky. call me when u make up yr mind dunc.

    sorry about the fiting.


  • At 2:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc's dad & my dad r having sum boring convo abt the proper way 2 landscape an indoor train display & how they shd dress their train peeps 4 xmas. yawn. dunc & i r gonna play sum video gamez now. ger, i think i'll b by around 4, k?


  • At 2:47 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Im on Apes 'puter. Oh, man, I dunno what 2 say. Im thinking abt Bcoming a monk or a hermit or a goat herder. L8r.

  • At 3:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I went over to the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace to get a paycheck from when I worked there. Sunday is my day off at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant, so I figured it would be a good time to go. As I approached the front entrance, I noticed your Grandpa Jim’s walker sitting in the grass, but I did not see your grandpa. Then I heard him yell to me from behind the bushes. “Get down Coward, or she’ll see you.” I went behind the bushes and there was your grandpa Jim with his dog Dixie and a bag of a product called ‘Pupsy Yummies’” I said, “Jim, what are you doing back here?” He said, “I am hiding out from the enemy, Coward. It’s just like the war. When you wanted to eat, you had to hide from the enemy with your faithful canine companion.” I said to your grandpa, “What’s that you’re eating? Dog biscuits?” Jim said, “Yes. Do you want one?” I politely refused and your grandpa gave some to Dixie who said, “Munch, Munch. Munch Snap! Munch Munch Munch.” It was quite bizarre. Anyway, I asked your grandpa why he was eating dog biscuits. Jim said, “Sometimes I get the cravings for a cookie so bad I can’t stand it. During the war, cookies were scarce and so sometimes I would shape my rations or anything I could find into the shape of a cookie just to get by. It wasn’t the same as a cookie, but anything tastes good when a man’s desperate.” Dixie started whining and I noticed she had her ear stuck on this black line coming out of the ground. I got Dixie free and your grandpa Jim continued his story. “Iris is very regimented, like they were in the military, which I like. Breakfast at 7 with a cookie. Tea at 10 with a cookie. Lunch at 12 with a cookie. Tea at 3 with a cookie. Supper at 5 with a cookie. Tea at 8 with a cookie. But the cravings take control sometimes and nothing else will do, not olives or beef broth or raisins. Of course, Iris hides the cookies. She says I can’t go bingeing on sweet stuff anymore because my doctor says I have to be careful! So I have to forget the cookies. No cookies!! As if that is even possible for someone like me.” I said, “That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.” Dixie seemed to agree with me because she did some sticky-out tongue laughing, which I guess is common with all the members of your family, including dogs. Grandpa Jim said, “No it’s not silly. Dixie understands. Sometimes she gets cravings for Havarti cheese just like mine for cookies.” At the words “Havarti cheese,” Dixie started cowering. I said to your grandpa, “No. No. No more Havarti cheese, you almost hairless gray dog. I have barked and whined to you this over and over again, but you do not listen. I want meat. Meat I say. Give me meat.” Grandpa Jim gave me a strange look and said, “Are you OK, Coward?” I was quite embarrassed because I had never felt so doglike before. I got the shivers and wondered if I was getting sick. I told your grandpa I was fine though, and helped him back to his apartment. That’s what happened. I thought you should know.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:46 PM, Anonymous ardith narayan said…

    That's a good point, April. But if he really needs assistance, we could trick him into being babysat. For example, I could get all tarted up before I approached him every morning. When we met, I could say, "Hey soldier, what's on your mind? Wanna play checkers?" and before you knew it, I'd be feeding him a healthy salad of mixed greens (keeps you regular!), helping him navigate staircases, and listening to old radio soaps with him.

    I don't mean to keep bugging you about this, but my husband took off a week ago and I could really use the cash.

  • At 3:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 letting me know abt that, howard. v. v. odd indeed. & also it soundz like that thing where u get some1 else's traits happed again & this time it was dixie's dog traits. that musta been way bizarre.

    ardith, that plan cd work. or mayB u cd pretend u r doing research on war vets & have questions 4 him, like u r doing interviews. try calling iris. they're listed in the mboro phone book. richards, james @ the mboro seniors' living quarters, also cross-listed as mboro manors.

    ger, i'm on my way. got the bathing suit on under my clothes. dunc's walking me ovr.


  • At 4:42 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Ardith Narayan,

    I don’t think I have met you, but if you are interested in a job looking after April’s grandpa, you should just come on over. I told April’s step-grandmother about what Jim was doing in the yard, and she broke down. She is so tired of having to nag him and bathe him and hide things from him. I think she could use a little break. If you are willing, I will stay here until you arrive so I can introduce you. Jim may be resistant, but Iris is definitely not. As near as I can tell from the posts, April vouches for you, and that is good enough for me. April is very mature for her age.

    Howard Kelpfroth, except they call me Coward Helpforth over here, so don’t be confused

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, i'm back home. when dunc & i got 2 ger's place, he was w8ing 4 me wearing his speedo w/his athletic cup underneath. he sed, "i don't wanna take ne chances that 'big ger' will get outta boundz!" i was wearing my cute lil bikini under my clothes, & when i told him this, he was like, "scram, duncan!" dunc was all, "real nice, man. well, i've got things 2 do neway, so l8r!"

    so we were sitting in the tub wearing our bathing suits, & ger was washing my back when his mom knocked on the door. "april, yr mom's on the phone & she sez u hafta hurry back rite now!" ger was totally bummed.

    so i got home, & mom showed me a note she found in the garage. it sed, "private dixie is on a secret mission. signed, thenonnymouse." mom was all, "it's yr grandpa jim, obviously. april, u shd have had that garage door locked w/the combo lock!" neway, she made me go w/her 2 gramps's place 2 get dixie back. gramps & dix were hiding behind the bushes when we got there, but we cd totally hear gramps singing, so it was ez to find them.

    now his dixie privileges are suspended until xmas. wtg, gramps.


  • At 7:50 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well Ardith Narayan never showed up or posted. I guess she must only check your Blog once a day. I couldn’t stay any longer so I left your grandpa’s place before you and your mom arrived to get Dixie. I was sorry to hear about your grandpa’s Dixie privileges being removed, but it may be for the best. There is something a little off in their relationship.

    Brenda Starr and I were supposed to go out tonight, but she called and cancelled. Apparently she has been assigned to ghost write an autobiography of chef Rock Roquefort, whom we met last night at Brenda’s party. I wasn’t sure what that had to do with newspaper reporting, but Brenda told me that her boss, Mr. Bottomline is insisting on it, and she needs to start right away. You know that trick where you lick a spoon and then stick it onto the end of your nose, so the spoon will hang there? Well Mr. Bottomline did that to Brenda, when he gave her the ghostwriting assignment. I can’t believe Brenda takes such abuse from her boss, but she contends that such things are a necessary part of the life of a reporter.

    I am so glad to be working now for someone who hasn’t tongued me. I told Tracey Mayes that Brenda Starr told me that a newspaper restaurant reviewer was coming out to the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant and she became quite excited. She is affable and was complimentary of the food I made last night. I also got my first paycheck from her, and it was, shall we say, quite a bit more than I expected. She said, “When my guys in the ‘family’ produce, then they get to reap the benefits. There’s some extra in there, so you can buy something nice for April. A back-up gay should never forget to romance his promised girl. It makes things go a lot better later on after their chosen straight passes. Let me know what you get, and if she likes it.” I felt a little awkward about accepting that money, but Tracey was pretty insistent. So, April, I have some money to spend on you. Is there anything you want, or should I just pick something and surprise you?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    def. surprise, howard. i love surprises & i know u've got gr8 taste!

    yeah, gramps is a lil weird abt dixie. mom's thinking that even when he has dixie privileges again, he mite need supervised visits.

    poor brenda. that rock roquefort guy kinda scared me. he tried 2 get me 2 eat his "mench onion soup", which had tortilla bits instead of sautéed bread and sum sharp jalapeno cheddar that just didn't go w/the soup well @ all. ick.


  • At 9:53 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man, Apes. My day got worse. While I was over @ yr place my mom went in2 my room 'cos sumthing stunk an' she thot Id 4gotten 2 clean out my gym bag again even tho I dont take gym this semester. NEway she found the plaintain an' condom under my bed an' new that my dad didnt talk 2 me. So she talked 2 me. Now all I can C in my head is my mom putting a condom on a plaintain. I am so ready 2 go 2 a monastery or a cave or even a goat farm but I guess the monastery wld B the best 'cos then I cld chant w/ the other monks which is sort of musical. L8r.

  • At 10:20 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    dude would u just tell me y u kissed me??? i m gonna go krazee over here! i do not understand boys.

    speaking of jeremy came over this afternoon he read the blog an' saw me talking abt dunc kissing me at the restaurant an' he is super pissed. i wuz all like "we agreed we could c other peeps" an' jer wuz like "r u seriously dating that dunc dweeb?" an' i m like "no" an' he wuz like "kewl" an' we frenched 4 awhile. u know i never thought about it b4 but dunc is really a good kisser. kimmi an' keesha an' jazmine must of taught him some good technique.

    well i need 2 go now ger is over here and he is whining an' complaining about how his bath date w/ apes wuz ruined by stupid jelly fatterson. i guess he knew i'd b sympathetic. also he knows i have 1 of those illegal satellite dishes an' real food in the fridge. we r eating more of those pot pies i made after thanksgiving an' ger is making me watch some stupid mushy romantic movie that's like 100 years old. it's called "4 keeps" an' it has some redhead acress in it who isn't very pretty. but ger really loves this movie. it's about 2 teenagers who have a baby while they're in high school an' ger is all like "that's what my april an' i should do!" then he went off on how he's been trying 2 think up plans 2 stave off the mboro old man disease an' i guess he thinks getting married b4 he's 18 will do the trick. he sed something like "i'm pretty sure that's what mr. patterson did!" i don't know about that but i will admit that mr. p doesn't look near as old as some of the other peeps in town.

    u know it's weird ger doesn't like me but he's always hanging at my house. i think it mite b cuz mom sometimes walks around in her underwear.


  • At 1:30 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    becks. ykwwbrn? not 2 have u post that u & me fk4 awhile & then u say dunc iz rilly a gud kisser. i’m gonna c if kimmi || keesha || jazmine can teech me sum gud techniques, if twyt.

  • At 1:59 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I ordered you a Gibson Pete Townshend Les Paul Deluxe Pilot Run Guitar. It should be delivered to your place in 2 – 4 weeks. It’s electric, not like the plug-in acoustic you have been using, which to be frank, is not showing off your talents as well as they could. This may seem like an odd present, but if I were to invest all the money Tracey Mayes gave me into flowers or candy, it would be overwhelming and I think jewelry would probably anger Gerald. I hope you like it.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:28 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard! u r the best! i've been looking @ guitars like that @ the music store, but i thot it'd b yrs b4 i'd b able 2 get 1! thanx soooo much!

    ger, there is no way i'm getting married or pg in high-school. i hafta go 2 uni & start a career 1st. we'll hafta find another way 2 keep the mboro oldsy disease away fr. u.

    becks, my dad is not orig. fr. mboro, so that's prolly y he doesn't look so old.



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