April's Real Blog

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Michael's Landlord Fantasies

So l8 @ nite, Howard's Uncle Melville and Aunt Winnie overheard Mike an' Dee having a convo in bed, & Howard posted about it:
Female upstairs neighbour: Weed and Carleen are right, Michael. You don’t go into partnership and buy a place just because you want to get rid of the people downstairs.

Male upstairs neighbour: I guess. (And then in a whisper to himself) that’s what Carleen made Weed agree to. Hmm! Let me see if I can freak her out. (In a normal voice) It’s just that I imagined the joy of showing them the bill of sale…and then, taking a jackhammer to the basement. And, how sweet it would be to “accidentally” keep shutting off their hot water…and to refinish their flooring with a varnish that smelled like “feet.” (And then in a whisper to himself) That should do it.

Female upstairs neighbour: Mmm. (And then in a whisper to herself) Those are pretty good ideas. Why didn’t I think of them? I guess that’s reason why I married Mike. He’s an idea man.

Male upstairs neighbour: (In a normal voice) I guess I really do live in a fantasy world, Deanna.

Female upstairs neighbour: (In a normal voice) Yes, you do…and I love being along for the ride! Why don’t we do some of those things you suggested? I just happen to have a jackhammer in the closet and I know where the hot water cutoff valve is and I know a place where you can get rotten varnish late at night. The kids are already in bed asleep. Let’s have some real fun tonight, and not go through our usual boring ritual of me refusing to have sex with you and then you going off to the attic to “write.”

Male upstairs neighbour: I guess. (And then in a whisper to himself) that didn’t have quite the effect I was hoping for. (In a normal voice) Can we have sex afterwards?

Female upstairs neighbour: If we do all those things, I don’t think I would be able to stop myself from ravishing your body.

Male upstairs neighbour: Whoo hoo! Let’s go. (And then in a whisper to himself) Why didn’t I think of doing this before?

That’s what scared my uncle and aunt. They just arrived here. April, I don’t know what’s going on with your brother and sister-in-law, but I would be really careful around them. OK?
Can U believe that, peeps? How is it that I'm just a kid & even I know U can't use yr landlord status 2 get crazee revenge on yr neighbours? But Mike seemz 2 think that's xactly what U can do as a landlord? OK, so he did say that bit abt fantasy, but since when does Mike make NE big distinctions betw fantasy & reality? Howard, I'm sorry my bro & SIL R going psycho like this!

Mom & Dad & I R on our way out. Mom of course totally went 4 my suggestion that we have a lil family outing 2 the bakeshop, & there we'll have our "accidental" encounter w/the Professor. I'll post abt it after it happs! Then I hafta meet Becky, Dunc, & Ger @ Becky's garage 2 have another run-thru of our set 4 the Brenda Starr party this evening. Lots 2 do. & Ger's a bit freaked still abt the drum part for the Bajan #'s we're adding in. I noticed he was totally getting the hang of it whenever he relaxed a bit during our jam last nite, but then he'd get all tense again & mess up! & Becky & Dunc started 2 mess w/the keyboard's drum settings as a backup, & that really made Ger freak!




  • At 9:43 AM, Blogger howard said…


    It was a late night with my uncle and aunt. They took over my bedroom and I was sleeping on the chesterfield when I heard someone come in my apartment. Someone shiney. That someone said, “Howard dearest. Why are you sleeping on the couch?” I told her the story about my aunt and uncle and she said, “Oh Howard. You can come and sleep at my place.” So, I did, as if you could call that sleep. We had to stop this morning, so I could make my shift at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant. Brenda gave me a special bath that made me very clean and quite sparkley. I told her I was in love with her and she said, “Oh Howard. That’s so sweet. I love you too.” That was the answer I wanted to hear, but for some reason, not the way I wanted to hear it. I don’t know what to think.

    I checked on my uncle and aunt before I went to work and they were both still sleeping. Brenda told me that they were invited to her party along with quite a few other people that you know. She is trying to get all your dad’s dental patients, so they can surreptitiously have their GPS sensors removed with some combination of tropical food items the Professor knows. By the by, good luck with your “accidental" encounter with the Professor. The Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant is a madhouse this morning and I doubt that I can get Fiona Brass to agree to take over long enough for me to go over to Krystle’s Kakes and Pies to help you out. Sorry. Fiona is a little perturbed because she did not get an invitation to Brenda Starr’s party but her cat Belmont the Third did. I was very confused by that, but Fiona assured me that Belmont the Third would never betray her and go to a party without her. I somehow suspect that Brenda may have gotten confused and thought Belmont was a real person, but who knows.

    I will also probably miss your jam session this afternoon, because I will be preparing the food for the party at the same time. I may not see you until the party. If you need me, I will be here at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:53 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so i'm back fr. the bakeshop. it was interesting, 2 say the least.

    when we got there, becky's mom was working behind the counter, & she seemed v. happy 2 c my mom. & likewise, mom was like, "my best friend krystle!" ma ordered a 1/2 dozen palmiers, a baker's dozen of beignets, an apple tart, & a boston creme pie. then she was, like, "now, john & april, u order whatever u want." my dad ordered a choo-choo shaped cookie that mrs. mcguire had on display, & i got chocolate mini-cupcake.

    so we were paying 4 our order when the professor came in. he winked @ me & whispered "pretend we haven't met, maryann." then he's, like, "haven't i seen yr pictures in the 'who's who' directory of milborough movers & shakers?" & my mom & dad perked up & sed y yes, & they introduced themselves. the professor put an arm around ea 1 &, all conspiracy-like, sed, "u know, i recently attended a conference @ utoronto 4 gps professionals. & yr name kept coming up as innovators!" mom & dad beamed & invited the prof 2 come home w/us & chat.

    mom of course woofed down all her pastries b4 we even left the place, so the prof bought some scones so he wdn't b all left out.

    so back @ the house, mom, dad, & the prof sat @ the kitchen table having coffee & baked goods & had this discussion:

    p: so, as i was saying, u 2 have quite the reputation as innovators in the gps field.

    dad: y yes! it all started as a way 2 track my dental patients, but we soon found it was quite useful for other purposes.

    mom: (surpressing a belch) yes, like tracking bakers.

    dad: (rolling eyes) & less frivolous purposes as well.

    prof: i'd love 2 learn more fr. u abt this all, as this field is really just taking off.

    mom: u really need 2 speak w/my web designer, steph. i'll give u her e-mail address. (she does.)

    so after that, they really just drifted in2 chitchat, & the prof ended up asking them if it was ok if he called them mr. & mrs. howell, 2 avoid confusion. mom an' dad seemed kinda baffled, but they sed ok.

    then my phone rang & it was becks reminding me 2 get my butt ovr there, so i'm on my way 2 becks's house now.


  • At 1:29 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Wow, I must say, Brenda Starr sure is a class act! She called me today and said she'd pay me 4x our usual "styling" rate if I'd make a housecall at Becky's garage and style the girls' hair for tonight. And I can keep the $ for myself, w/out giving a cut to my boss, Grete "Sugar" Van Rensselaer. Ms. Starr says she wants updo's, but not the Milborough "very tight bun". Sexy, yet sophisticated, says Ms. Starr.

    So, I'll be stopping over there at around four this afternoon.


  • At 1:29 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I cannot believe how busy it has gotten at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant since your mom came to dinner the other night. Does she tell everyone she knows where she eats? Tracey came by a little while ago and saw the crowd, and she looked really happy. She took me aside and said, “Remember, members of the ‘family’ have priority seating.”

    My uncle and aunt are actually in here helping out a little. They are a little afraid to go home, what with the “morphing building and maniac neighbour” (their words), so I think they are sticking around until they can go to Brenda Starr’s party tonight. It’s a good thing, since Fiona Brass and I are hard-pressed to handle the extra business. I am so glad the restaurant closes with the garage early on Saturdays, so I will not have a problem going to Brenda’s party myself.

    Fiona and my aunt and uncle have really hit it off. Once they told their story from last night to her, she immediately launched into her usual anti-Patterson grievances. They have been swapping stories all morning like kindred spirits. I should mention that Fiona has no grievances against you, since you were a baby when she last saw you. It’s your older relatives by whom she feels snubbed. Have you ever asked your parents what’s going on with this?

    I added the Creole Fish from our restaurant visit last night to the menu as a daily special. It seems to be a popular item. Some people have said that I should have a cook-off with Duncan’s mom, who apparently is well-known for her culinary abilities. I doubt I could match Duncan’s mom in Bajan cooking, since this is my first attempt. It would be interesting though to meet Duncan’s parents. I know very little about them. Have you ever met them?

    I hope that the practice is going well. I will see you tonight at the party.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, howard! we are taking a lunch break now so i can do a quickie post.

    i did ask my 'rents what was up w/cuz fiona, & they just sort of looked @ me like i was crazee & sed something abt fiona being a v. busy woman who didn't have time 2 visit.

    dunc's dad comes over just abt every sunday 2 play choo-choo's w/my dad. they both wear engineering outfits & mr. anderson brings his own train ppl. he sez they're bajan & add sum diversity 2 my dad's boring whitebred train peeps. he really likes jazz, so sumtymz when dunc & i r jamming, he has sum requests. he really luvs miles davis and john coltrane.

    i don't c dunc's mom as much, but she's pretty cube 4 a mom. & a gr8 cook, but u've already heard abt that. she's a nurse, 2, so she knows abt health stuff.

    marjee, becks & i r psyched that u r styling our hair this afternoon. we were starting 2 get a bit freaked that we'd hafta worry abt doing our hair & practicising 2.


  • At 2:30 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i m so pissed. last nite dunc wuz all over me on the dance floor an' 2day he won't even look me in the eye. wtf?

    oh well 4get him i need 2 focus on the gig now. i m so ready 4 this. she is gonna make me a starr!


  • At 4:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I guess the Professor must be done with your parents. Brenda Starr brought him over here to Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant and he has started working with the tropical fruits I ordered for him. He is concocting some sort of bizarre fruit punch, which for some reason, has steam coming off of it, even though it is a cold drink. The Professor said, “Gilligan. This punch will permeate the teeth and cause the electronics of the GPS sensors to malfunction, while at the same time cleaning the teeth and preventing tooth decay. We have to make sure that every guest tonight drinks the punch.”

    At this point, Tracey Mayes came through the kitchen and spotted the Professor and asked what he was doing there. I told her he was preparing beverages for a party the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant was catering tonight. Tracey said, “The Brenda Starr party?” I said yes. Tracey said, “Gordon and I received an invitation to that. I am so impressed with your ingenuity Howard, that you have us catering that event. I may have to set you up with some of the parties for the ‘family.’ I like a man who uses his brain to work for me.” Then she gave me a wink and said, “See you tonight then Howard.”

    That’s what’s going on here.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:08 PM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    The girls look just gorgeous! They have their new evening gowns on, just a touch of makeup, and glamourous hairdos. Becky's is up, but with piecy bits pulled out to frame her face and a fancy twist in the back. Plus, she's got some little pearls woven in, courtesy of Brenda starr (they're very sparkly). April has a French twist, also with piecy bits framing her face, and some Brenda Starr glitter--just enough to sparkle, but without looking tacky.

    The boys look very handsome in their real tuxes. I just finished helping the kids load up their equipment and we are about to leave so we can set up for the party and do a sound check.


  • At 5:13 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Evry1 was rilly cooking @ band practice. Shld B a gr8 gig 2nite!

    p.s. Apes, I walked home past the dog bakery an' saw yr grandpa. He bot 2 doggie biscuits, gave 1 2 Dixie an' 8 the other himself. WTF? I told my mom an' she says shes going 2 visit yr grandpa an' Iris 'cos mayB its time 4 them 2 move in2 Mboro Manors.

    p.p.s. Beckers, Im confused. R we friends again or do u still h8 me?

  • At 5:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, dunc, i don't know how gramps got ahold of dixie 2day, since he's lost his dixie privileges 4 a month as of the day of our t-giving dinner. he's not supposta c her again until nov. 9. he musta doggie-napped her. uh-oh! my mom's gonna b way pissed. now he'll prolly lose the doggie privs until xmas or new years. wtg, gramps.

    & way weird abt the dog biscuit.


    p.s. we just finished setting up & we're gonna run thru a soundcheck. oh, dunc, there u r!

  • At 6:07 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i dunno dunc u tell me i thought we were friends then last nite u wanted 2 dance a bunch. did u 4get that u grabbed my butt while we were dancing? did u also 4get trying 2 french me? i wuz pretty surprised but i figured mayb u snorted some of keesha's ritalin again.

    whatever, it doesn't matter.


  • At 7:02 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    trying 2 fix comment glitch.

  • At 7:34 PM, Anonymous ardith narayan said…

    Sorry to hear about your grandfather, April! You know, now that my kids are a little older I can start working again. I've never taken care of an elderly couple, but I'm sure it can't be more of a challenge than Deanna's children. I lived in fear of showing up in one of her husband's columns, but I don't think he ever lashed out at me. Of course, his writing is so bizarre it's hard to tell sometimes. Would that be a good enough reference for your family, that Mike never openly ridiculed me? I sure hope so! Anyway, eating a balanced diet is very important, and I would never feed dog biscuits to an old man. Think about it!

  • At 7:48 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am posting the Brenda Starr party details to you, so that you will be aware of what is going on here in Milborough. April, Becky, Gerald and Duncan have set up their equipment and done their sound checks. They may start playing a few minutes.

    My aunt Winnie and uncle Melville came with me and the Professor to set up the food. Brenda Starr has me standing at the entrance greeting people as they came in and handing out the Professor’s special punch that will eliminate the GPS sensors that someone’s father implanted. The Professor did check out my uncle Melville’s changeling abilities, but he was unimpressed. “He can’t turn invisible and his nose growth was nothing like yours when you had that accident on the Island, Gilligan” was what he said. I had no idea what he was talking about.

    Your friends and mine, Lawrence Poirier and Nick Brown arrived early to put up some floral decorations to make the place look tropical. They are completely in awe of Brenda, and frankly can barely contain their jealousy of my position with her. Brenda made it a point to drape her arms around me a lot in front of them, which was really nice of her to do. I am so in love with her.

    Lovey and Morrie Saltzman came in before the party officially started accompanied by Josef Weeder and a woman I have not met before named Carleen. Carleen clearly thinks that Josef should be over with Brenda all the time schmoozing Brenda for photography jobs. Josef is apparently not cube with that. Carleen keeps saying, “That’s another dumb decision you’re making by yourself.” I am not sure I like Carleen. She seems a little mean to me.

    When Lovey and Morrie came in, Lovey told me, “Oy. It was so difficult to get here. For some reason I cannot pinpoint the precise location for my house anymore. All I know for sure is that it is not Rosedale or the Beaches. I thought it was near Yorkville, but this person walking by our house named Stephanie said we were in the vicinity of either the Av&Dav neighborhood or Summerhill and we should take the Bradford GO train to Milborough. We tried to take the Bradford GO train, because we don’t really like to drive at night, but we couldn’t find the station. One person we ran into said the station was north of our house and not that close. While were looking, Josef and Carleen saw us and offered us a lift to the party. It only took 45 minutes, so that’s not too bad. When Morrie and I drive it, it takes 2 hours.”

    The professor came up as Lovey and Morrie were there and said, “Did I hear you say that you were Wrongway Feldman?” Per Brenda’s instructions, I made sure to introduce them as Mr. and Mrs. Saltzman, but then Lovey said, “Just call me Lovey, dear” and that started the professor off on some tangent. He kept on calling Morrie, Thurston, and he asked them how the stock market was doing, and if they had any good investment tips. Lovey said, “As a matter of fact, I have 2 buildings that are in a great neighbourhood somewhere in or near Toronto, that I am selling cheap.” Of course, my uncle heard this and started getting distressed. My aunt Winnie said, “Sit down, Mel. Your temples are bulging.” Lovey saw them over there and said to the Professor, “There are a couple of schmendricks you will need to get rid of if you buy it, but it’s a good property.”

    Shortly after this Moira Kinney, who works in your mom’s shop came in. She saw Brenda giving me a little hug, and said, “So, are you attached now?” I told her that I was in love. Moira said, “Beatrice will be very disappointed to hear that.” I was a little in shock after that statement, since as you know I used to be with Beatrice Alfarero, who also works in your mom’s shop. The Professor heard me call her Moira and he was all over her. Apparently, your mother told the Professor this afternoon that Moira was familiar with the GPS equipment she used to track down bakers, and sometimes helps her with it when she gets hungry at Lilliputs, which as near as I can tell is all the time. So, the Professor was asking Moira all kinds of questions and he was not very subtle.

    That’s all I can post right now. I have to refill the punch bowl.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:10 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I got a moment to post you more details about the Brenda Starr party. Tracey and Gordon Mayes arrived around the same time as 2 persons I don’t think I have met before, Mira and Wilf Sobinski. Wilf and Gordon gave each other some sort of unusual handshake. Wilf was telling Gordon this odd story about how Burlington, where they live, is now farther away from Toronto than Milborough. Gordon was very proud to let Wilf know that I was part of the “family” and that his restaurant was catering this event and that Wilf could entertain for free any time he was in town. Wilf said that he only comes in town for events involving his grandkids and for dental checkups, but thanked Gordon and said that he would remember that in the future. Mira kept on looking around and I asked her for whom she was looking. She said, “Oh nobody. My arch rival lives in Milborough, and I wanted to make sure she wasn’t here.”

    Shortly after this point, Lawrence’s parents Connie Poirier and Greg Thomas came in along with a couple I had not met before named Anne and Steve Nichols. They seemed to know each other. Anne and Connie were friendly, but Connie seems to bear some sort of malice against Steve. It’s nothing overt, but just a subtle body language thing.

    After this, a couple of people came in that I was very uncomfortable around, Anthony and Thérèse Caine. I had met Thérèse in passing at my lawyer’s office and of course, Anthony had the history of my attack on you. We were clearly uncomfortable and Thérèse picked up on that. She said, “Do you know zeez pairson, Anthony?” Anthony quickly said no, but I am pretty sure Thérèse did not believe him.

    Keesha Grant arrived a few minutes ago and there is trouble brewing. She is all over Duncan and glaring at Becky with a glare of pure evil. Duncan is starting his musical set and oh my god, Keesha has jumped up with him doing a booty dance. Becky is yelling at Keesha and Keesha is yelling back. Holy crap! They are on the ground wrestling with each other. April went to break it up and she got knocked flat on the ground by a flailing leg. I have to go break this up. I’ll post to you later.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well, just as I finished breaking up the fight between Keesha Grant and Becky, another disaster arrived in the form of Brenda Starr’s boss, a terrible man named Mr. Bottomline. He is an obnoxious man who wears an ascot and a checkered shirt with a suit. Outside of Fred Jones, who wears ascots these days? He was pushing this chef named Rock Roquefort on Brenda and telling her it was important to the paper that this chef gets to serve his Mench (combination Mexican and French) cuisine. The chef had an assistant who was bringing food in and I told him that the party was already catered; but Brenda was apologetic and told me to go along with it. Well, this chef Rock Roquefort seems to be here for no other purpose than to sell the cookware he uses to make the food. Some sort of Exclusive Flan Cup, where you can combine Flan with Frijoles or Crème brulée with Refried beans. The food is revolting and I am so surprised to see Brenda give in so easily to this Bottomline fellow.

    Just as I am dealing with that, then Anthony Caine of all people, takes me aside and has the nerve to ask me if I knew anything about that advertisement campaign your mother used to set you up with guys. He is nervous that your mother is no longer favouring him as your future spouse. I got really red in the face, which is easy for me, and told him that you were off-limits to him. I hope that was OK with you.

    After that, Jean Baker, who works with your father, arrived. The Professor was really interested in her. Apparently, your dad told the Professor this afternoon, that she activates the GPS tracking equipment whenever they have to fill the spaces in the dental office appointment book.

    Connie Poirier, Anne Nichols and Thérèse Caine were having a conversation about their husbands that I overheard that was interesting. Anne Nichols was talking about how she had to learn to love golf, sniff shirt collars and check financial records hoping not to find what she clearly suspected was true about her husband Steve’s cheating. Thérèse Caine was completely sympathetic. “Zoze pictairs from ze Gig, et heez tailing everybody I do not love my child. Eet breaks my ‘eart. And I know zat he eez een amour wiz anuzzer.” Connie Poirier then said, “Well, Elly Patterson showed me how she solved that problem. She implanted a GPS tracker in John and that’s how she always knows where he is. Her web designer Stephanie showed her how. It’s so easy. I made sure that Greg has one.” Well, the Professor heard this and was immediately over there questioning the ladies about GPS trackers and handing out punch.

    Your sister just came to get me to talk to Becky. Apparently, Jeremy Jones pointed out to her that there were no celebrities here, and that ran counter to Becky’s expectations of “Brenda Starr is going to make me a starr.” I will post to you later.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    whoo! we are taking a break while the pre-recorded tracks becky put together are playing. becky's doing something top-secret w/brenda rite now. that fite was outrageous, peeps. i'm limping a lil bit.

    thérèse was sooper nice 2 me when she saw me. she totally remembered which baby gift i gave her @ the shower. "mlle avril, that was 1 of my verry favourite geefts. i was so sad that every1 had zee weird idea that only cash geefts were velcome. i steel don't know how zhay got zhat idée."

    keesha ended up storming out. she was, like, "4get abt getting ne rainbow colours u-know-where, mc-dunce!"

    jeremy's going around asking peeps if they r famous. oops, becks just heard him doing that & asked him 2 stoppit. 4 sum reason ger told me he needed 2 lie down sumwhere during this break.

    lawrence & nick told me they luv my hair & dress & they wanted me 2 give a shout out 2 liz 4 them. yo, liz!

    well, i've gotta go cuz ger just came running up 2 me, freaked cuz sum cat jumped on him while he was napping. . . .


  • At 2:04 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    god i m so mortified i can't blieve i got in a fite during a gig! that is so unprofessional y does dunc have 2 date a stupid ho like keesha grant?

    dunc i have yet 2 hear frum u about y u tried 2 french me on the dance floor the other nite. u better do some explaining fast or there's gonna b trouble.

    howie i m so sorry i let u down at the party. i hope brenda does not blame u 4 the fite. i m so glad u have found true love w/ her an' i wouldn't want 2 mess that up.

    this has been the krazeest week evah.


  • At 2:33 AM, Blogger howard said…


    You didn’t let me down. You’re my bud, and I know it is hard to live down a performance disaster like that. The important part is that you recovered and were able to complete the performance. Brenda was very impressed with that. Remember, she told you, “A reporter’s got to be able to get down and dirty to get the story out and if that means a catfight, then that means a catfight.” I guess that might have been a little confusing, now that I think about it. Sometimes, Brenda does go into reporter-speak. Anyway, Brenda wanted me to tell you a little secret. Brenda is going to fund the remaining production work on your demo tape. She wanted to do something for you, so I sort of dropped a hint that you had a demo tape that needed a little extra work to be finished, and Brenda took it from there. So, does that sound like anything got messed up? I don’t think so. Besides, you’re my bud, and no matter what happens between me and Brenda, you will still be my bud.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:58 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I am sorry to be so long between posts to you. You have probably gathered that the Brenda Starr party is over and may be wondering about the details of some of the things I told you that have been left incomplete. Let me see if I can summarize.

    Your sister is OK. She may be a little sore in the morning where she got hit, but there was no blood shed.

    Your sister’s boyfriend Gerald was chased around the party by a cat, that apparently was Belmont the Third owned by your cousin once removed Fiona Brass. I don’t know if you remember her or not. She came to the party to retrieve Belmont, waving an invitation that she said was Belmont’s. I asked Brenda Starr about this, and she was mystified.

    Steve Nichols tried hitting on Thérèse Caine, who was very quick to point out to him that she was married and she glared over at Anthony Caine and yelled at him, “Anthony! Stop tailing les peuples zat I am single!” Anne Nichols was talking to Jean Baker at the time and brought her over to Steve. Anne said, “Jean Baker works with John Patterson and tells me that there is a new dental procedure that will really help the teeth from straying in the gums. I am going to set up an appointment for you.”

    Connie Poirier and Lawrence Poirier had a heated discussion about whether or not Lawrence and Nick should have a big public wedding or a smaller intimate wedding. Greg Thomas, Connie’s husband sidled next to me and said, “I’m staying out of this one, this time. I got into such trouble the last time I got between Connie and Lawrence, that Connie brought Elly Patterson into it. Never again.” Lawrence and Connie were still talking about that when they left the party.

    Lovey Saltzman told my aunt and uncle that she caught your brother and sister-in-law with a jackhammer and assured them that no one would be doing anything to their apartment except fixing the plaster in the ceiling. They were relieved to hear that and left for home. They did not sleep well at my apartment.

    Tracey and Gordon Mayes left early to relieve their sitter. Tracey asked your sister if she was available next weekend. Tracey doesn’t like the sitter they were using tonight as well as April, so I guess that was a compliment to your sister.

    Carleen nagged Josef Weeder so much that he finally relented and had a conversation with Brenda Starr about photograph work for the newspaper. Brenda sent them off to talk to Mr. Bottomline. Carleen did not take to Mr. Bottomline at all. She left in a huff, taking Josef, Lovey and Morrie with them back to Toronto. As they were leaving, Lovey was yelling to Josef Weeder, “Are you sure you know the way back? It’s got me all furblungit, where I live now.”

    Brenda and I had an extended conversation with the Professor. He said that everyone at the party had consumed the special punch. He said that the information he gathered on the GPS was insubstantial. “There is no reason that normal GPS tracking signals for patients or bakers should influence people’s metabolic reactions to enzymes like that. It cannot be a coincidence. This isn’t one of those times, Gilligan and Ginger, when you have an extended dream about being a caveman, which solves the whole problem. Ginger, I think we need to keep on digging. Perhaps you can use your Hollywood contacts to help out. And Gilligan, if you could bring me a few more coconuts.”

    Poor Wilf Sobinski was injured like April in trying to break up the Becky and Keesha fight. Mira was all over him with concern and insisted that Wilf go to the emergency room. Wilf said, “Don’t treat me like a child,” but Mira was insistent. “I will not have you rejecting my good intentions, like so many others do,” which she said looking at April. So they left. He didn’t look bad to me, but I suppose it is better to be safe than sorry.

    I tried to catch back up with Moira Kinney to ask her about her comment about Bea, but somehow I missed her. She left the party without me noticing when.

    As for Duncan and Becky, I really have no idea what’s going on between those two.

    The people who own the party place that Brenda rented found chef Rock Roquefort and his assistant selling Exclusive Flan Cups in their lobby and threw them out. They are apparently very strict about selling things on their property. Of course it didn’t help matters that I sort of informed them what was going on. I know I told Brenda I would butt out, but that doesn’t mean that I couldn’t get someone else involved. Brenda didn’t seem to mind though. She told me she has plans for me tonight, as soon as I finish this post. I expect it will be another night with no sleep. Fortunately, Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant is closed on Sundays.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dear Friends,

    I want to thank you all for you assistance with me at the party. Becky you are an extremely talented singer. April, Duncan, Gerald your musical abilities are first class, and you are lucky to have Jeremy looking out for you.

    After Mr. Bottomline showed up I ended up holed up in meeting with him and that damnable chef. So, you didn't really get a chance to meet with my other guests, Mr. Gherson and Ms. Burnside, they are editors at the Toronto Sun. They were very impressed with Becky and the band and in a few weeks they're going to be sending out a reporter to do an interview with Becky which will feature her in a special they are running about local performers. Mr. Holleran of the Milborough Weekly in a pique of territorial feelings said that he will be sending a reporter first to give you a first class work up on Becky and the band. They were also loving the food, no not the Mench food the Tropical feast Howard concocted. Howard you will also get a visit from a reporter to review Gordon and Tracey's restaurant.

    Mr. Bottomline was upset that I am here in Milborough covering a story on mother's trying to marry off their daughters when I could be back at The Flash doing a work up on the Famous Chef. I had to let him in ever so slightly on the investigative reporting I'm doing. I told him mostly it was about organized crime in the burbs. He seemed satisfied but says I shouldn't be making my work here such a priority.

    The Professor has told me that through the party he gathered much information to help him in his determination of the causes of rapid aging of straight Milborough men. He is off this morning to track down Stephanie and learn what she knows about the GPS devices. We now have a strong inkling of who the suspect actually is, and believe it is someone who lives on the outside of Milborough. I can give you no more information until we know for sure, and even then I have to wait for my piece to be published. Mr. Gershon said he would be interested in a crime family piece if Mr. Bottomline isn't, so I might have to work freelance on this one.

    Howard, your cooking was excellent. I realize I was a terrible hostess, but when Mr. Bottomline speaks I have no choice but to listen. He kept me away from a great deal of the party, which I suspect was his aim. You're still curled up on my couch sleeping like a baby. Thank you for filling me in on all the happenings, via your posts to Elizabeth. I am aware of your feelings for me Howard. You are a good and man, however. I want you to remember where your true orientation lies. Don't get caught up in my Starrdust so much that it blinds you to who you truly are. I'd hate for you to get hurt or be hurt or to ever feel like you are not being true to yourself. The Starrdust is going to eventually wear off it always does my sweet, and I don't want to have lost your valuable friendship and trust when it does. I already I feel as though I have taken advantage of you many many many many many many times, but Howard you are a hard man to not take advantage of.



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