April's Real Blog

Monday, October 17, 2005

Michael's witty wit!

OK, so I've refused 2 read that article abt Mike's neighbours, even tho Mom & Dad have kept a copy of it lying around & they keep reading it themselves. Today I cdn't avoid hearing Dad reading a quote out loud 2 Mom, followed by their laffing like crazy over it:
Our dishes rattled in the cabinets as our downstairs neighbours pounded on their ceiling with a broom. The scent of cigar smoke seeped under the door. . . . "People, like animals, must mark their territory," I said to me wife. . . "And some people are more primitive than others."
After they were finished laughing like hyenas with a tongue malfunction, Mom was like, "So that's the bit Melville Kelpfroth confronted Mike with?" & Dad sed, "Yes, it seems they recognized themselves in that article after all." Mom: "But they used no names, eh?" Dad: The Kelpfroths are the only "lousy, stinking neighbours" they've got, El. NEway, I got up 2 get ready 4 school cuz I was getting way bored.

Some1 commented that I shdn't have used 'cuum as short 4 vacuum yesterday. Cuz I guess some1 mite miscount the U's. Or mayB they were so xcited they messed up their Google search & got my non-p*rn site. So just in case, I guess I'll make "vac" my official short version 4 that particular cleaning/hot-flash relieving device.

Well, I C Becky & she looks like she wants 2 tell me abt something, so gotta go!

Apes

13 Comments:

  • At 9:14 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Ha ha April imagine someone venturing to your blog looking for some hot Patterson Porn and finding this, and Becky's reprints of Mike's bad slash.

    Jesse is like my shadow. I'm like a ground hog. When I see my shadow. I get scared.

     
  • At 9:28 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I got a call from my uncle Melville this morning. He had an interesting story to tell me. All week he had been trying to have a conversation with his upstairs neighbour, but had been unsuccessful. He was never at home, and snuck in and out of the upstairs apartment at odd hours. Finally, my uncle goes to sleep at his door, with the door cracked just a little, so he could catch him. He was awoken by someone coming down the stairs from the upstairs apartment. So my uncle jumps out at him, while he is wearing the sleeveless undershirt he sleeps in. Normally, my uncle doesn’t wander about outside in his undershirt, but the circumstances called for action and not proper dress.

    Anyway, he told me that the constantly altering appearance of his upstairs neighbour initially distracted him, until he confirmed it was actually he by calling his name. My uncle, you see, is accustomed to changelings, as he is one himself. It took awhile to get used to, when I first met him as a child. But now, I am quite used to the fact that his posture, his weight, and in particular, the shape of his nose changes every time I look at him.

    Anyway, my uncle wanted his upstairs neighbour to confirm that the article in the “Clarion Weekly” was about him and my aunt Winnie, so he could set up that fake lawyer gag he wants to try. But he said the upstairs neighbour was evasive and refused to admit it. My uncle said, “The article is about your downstairs neighbours, and I believe Winnie and I are your only downstairs neighbours.” The upstairs neighbour said, “Not true. Lovey and Morrie Saltzman, technically also live on the downstairs side of my apartment, even though they live on the main floor of the building next door and are just as sweet and kind as can be and I would only write good things about them.” Anyway, he steadfastly refused to admit that my uncle and aunt were the downstairs neighbours of the article.

    So then my uncle tries a different tactic. He read parts of the article and tried to get the upstairs neighbour going with his criticism of his writing.

    My uncle read: “Our dishes rattled in the cabinets as our downstairs neighbours pounded on their ceiling with a broom.”
    Then my uncle said, “Patterson. How could this be possible? I’ve seen your apartment. The cabinets in the kitchen are attached to your own ceiling and not the floor. Where is your journalistic integrity to tell the truth?”
    The upstairs neighbour’s response: “You have inferred that the pounding on the ceiling is related to the dishes rattling. Just because the 2 statements are together in the same sentence and linked with an ‘as’ doesn’t mean they’re related to each other.”

    My uncle read: “The scent of stale cigar smoke seeped under the door…”
    Then my uncle said, “I take great pride in the quality aroma of my cigars. How can you write that they are stale? That’s just plain wrong.”
    The upstairs neighbour’s response: “You have inferred that the cigar smoke came from my downstairs neighbour, when actually the article just says that the smoke came from under the door. It could be lower quality cigars belonging to someone else, who was lurking outside my door. Just because the 2 sentences are back-to-back doesn’t mean they’re related to each other.”

    My uncle read: “People, like animals, must mark their territory,” I said to my wife…”And some people are more primitive than others.”
    Then my uncle said, “This analogy doesn’t make sense. The amoeba is the most primitive of animals, but it doesn’t mark its territory. But a more advanced animal like a gorilla does mark its territory. Besides, didn’t you mark your territory with tape? What does that make you?”
    The upstairs neighbour’s response: “It’s an imaginary line, not tape. So there! Besides, you have inferred that people marking their territory and people being primitive go together. Just because the 2 sentences are linked by ‘and’ doesn’t mean they’re related to each other.”

    My uncle then said: “Ellipses are supposed to be used when you omit one or more words from the middle of a quotation, or can also be used to indicate a pause in the flow of a sentence. You are clearly misusing them in your article. There do not appear to be any words omitted, and the use of them as pauses does not make sense. A comma or a period would have been more appropriate than an ellipse.”
    The upstairs neighbour’s response: “You have inferred that the words preceding the ellipse are somehow related to the ellipse itself. Just because the words and the punctuation are in the same sentences doesn’t mean they’re related to each other.”

    At this point, I had to stop my uncle in the middle of his story, so I could go to work my first day at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant. I promised I would call up my uncle tomorrow to find out more details of his conversation. The restaurant has a computer setup, so I can post from work. There is one lady working here as a waitress and the kitchen is ill-supplied. I am cooking from the existing menu selections initially, which really isn’t a problem since the only person to come in is Gordon Mayes, so far.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 9:48 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard, yr uncle must have had such a headache after having that convo w/mike. he alwayz hurts ppls heads when he is trying 2 b all clever & avoidy like that!

    i know what u mean abt morphing. my mom kinda does this, esp. w/her nose. heck, i think it happs 2 me sometimes. i get shorter & wider sometimes, mayB it's related 2 my time of month. i try 2 stay indoors when this happs.

    liz, i don't know how u can stand the jesse stalking. how creepee! & lol on peeps trying 2 find the hott patterson stuff online. ::gag::

    apes

     
  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Business has been picking up with the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant. I scrapped the menu items. They were just nasty. Plus it appears the Mayes have just been buying stuff from the local grocer to supply this place and did not have anything signed up with a reputable food distributor. I got on the phone with Blue Line Foodservice Distribution and set things up to be delivered weekly. In the meantime, I have been working on a hand-written menu with some of my favourite items to make from the available materials. That has made things a lot easier.

    Lawrence and Nick came by for a business lunch meeting with some of their South American exotics people. Both Lawrence and Nick were very apologetic for all the stuff that happened between us back in July and said that they were very glad to see that I was back in the family. Nick did give me a little bottom pinch, which I found strangely exhilarating. I think I am definitely feeling the effects of not having those metabolically accelerating GPS sensors in my body any more. After their meeting, Lawrence told me that family meetings were considered to be “on the house” so they didn’t pay for lunch.

    I asked Gordon about this, when he came in for his free lunch, and he confirmed that this was the case. I asked him how I would know who is in the family or not, and all Gordon would say was, “You’ll know.” Kind of mysterious, but in general, most everyone who has come into the restaurant has said they work for the family. I have made a lot of lunches, but no one has actually paid for anything. It makes running the cash register pretty easy. On the other hand, I can see why it is that they have not been making money with the restaurant.

    In any case, it is pretty easy to monitor Gordon’s comings and goings, as the restaurant has an open window to the parking lot. I have been taking notes also, on the people who are considered “family.” Hopefully it will be of use to Brenda Starr. Oh my god, I could be helping Brenda Starr. Oh my god.

    April, you won’t believe this, but the lady who works as a waitress here in the morning shift is a cousin of yours, or I guess a cousin once removed. Her name is Fiona Brass and she says is from your dad’s side of the family. She said she helped out your family after you were born. She manages a pool hall during the evenings and she works mornings over here. I don’t know if you have met her. I should mention that she is a little bitter that she never gets invited to any Patterson family events, even though she lives right here in town. So, there may be some bad blood between her and your family. You will have to let me know, so I don’t make any faux pas.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 2:20 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok everybody well here's the thing i wanted 2 tell apes i should just tell all of u at the same time.

    remember i told u i heard mom on the phone calling some1 "snoogy woogy" an' then i heard her having phone sex? well the other nite when she wuz talking on the phone i accidentally picked up an' heard her talking dirty 2 some1 an' i wuz annoyed cuz she should not b such a slut. so i sed that rite in2 the phone. an' suddenly a man's voice goes "becky honey, u shouldn't talk 2 ur mother like that." it wuz my dad!!! i wuz so embarrassed that i slammed down the phone an' ran over 2 howie's apartment. i do not understand y my parents have 2 act like this just when i'm getting used 2 the fact that mom an' dad r divorcing they start doing weird crap like this also how come dad has been calling mom since he went on the lam an' not me??

    i m so pissed.

    becks

     
  • At 2:37 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I have been waiting for you to mention this thing with your parents, ever since you came over to my apartment the other night to talk about it. I am not really very happy with your mom and dad right now either, for different reasons and I know what it is like to feel a separation from your parents. You are my bud, and I want everything to be perfect for you. If I see Thorvald again, I am definitely going to let him know that he should be calling you, even if he is on the run from the law.

    A little peeved too,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 3:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, becks, that must b way confusing w/yr dad. he & yr mom prolly have sum typical grown-up xplanation, like they r sumhow protecting u. g'ups r alwayz using that as a reason 2 do really effed-up thingz.

    howard, i had no idea gordo's restaurant was so v. odd, but then again i've nev. eaten there. even when i've gone 2 the dealership or garage w/my 'rents, they alwayz wanted 2 eat @ the horny tim's across the st. instead.

    apes

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, howard, i'm sorry i 4got 2 answer yr fiona question. i don't remember her @ all. i think i've seen pics of her in fam albums fr. when i was a lil baby, but i don't think she's been @ the house since those dayz.

    apes

     
  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I know all about the Tim Hortons across the street. The menu here at the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant was just a little too much like theirs (baked goods, sandwiches, soups and the like). I am going for a little more substantial and higher class fare, but still try to match the Tim Hortons’ prices for lunch. After all, if someone is willing to spend money on a car repair and sit around all day waiting for it to be finished in a restaurant, they might want a little better quality food. So far it has been working. I haven’t received any paying customers yet, but I have gotten some nice compliments on the food.

    An interesting thing happened this afternoon; I thought you might want to hear about. Your sister-in-law came in the restaurant. She was wearing a navy blue pantsuit and a white lab coat, and was twirling a pacifier around in her hands, for some reason. At first she said, “We’ll have our usual table” but then she realized who I was and said, “Oh, I didn’t know you worked here now.” Then she introduced me to her friend, a lady she called Carleen. She said, “This is Howard, my sister-in-law April’s back-up gay. She brought him to Thanksgiving dinner and he really knows his trains. He was supposed to be Liz’s back-up gay, but she wasn’t cube enough to figure that out.” Carleen giggled a little at that. Then she said, “Please tell Tracey we are here.” I found Tracey Mayes in the sales office and the 3 ladies sat down for lunch.

    Tracey had the Légumes, Fruit et Fromage Grillés, Deanna had the Salade D'Epinard et Crevettes, and Carleen had the Beignet De Crabe. I had to serve them personally because Fiona Brass said, “She’s a Patterson and I don’t serve Pattersons. My cat Belmont the Third won’t even meow at a Patterson.” The conversation I overheard, while I refilling their glasses of fruited teas, was interesting, and I did not quite understand it. Maybe you can help me. This is what I heard:

    Deanna: Last week, my Michael got me a 'beauty lunch'. I think it was because he was so excited that our landlady stuck a plastering bill to our downstairs neighbours. I thought it was the perfect time to bring up his quitting his job at Portrait magazine. I even used a little financial ledger showing our expenses vs. our salaries. Mike is so bad with numbers; he actually believes that he makes more money with his freelance work than he does at Portrait.
    Tracey: You are so sneaky. Do you think he’s going to do it?
    Carleen: God I hope so. It was so hard reading that article he wrote about the Kelpfroths and pretending it was funny in order to get Mike in a good mood. I know my Josef thinks everything Mike does rocks; but it was a stretch for me to praise him. At least it got him in a good mood. He loves talking about how little sleep he gets and how he suffers for his art.
    Deanna: That’s Mike. Suffering artist with only 7 hours of sleep. I think he’s going to do it. This morning he had this smirk on his face that made me want to slap him, but I hope that means he is going to quit his job at Portrait.
    Tracey: Men think they are so smart when they are really just barely aware of what’s going on. I remember how easy it was to manipulate Mike into getting me my first date with Gordon in school.
    Carleen: I don’t think I’ve heard this story.
    Deanna: Oh, it’s good one. Tell it sister.
    Tracey: Back in high school. I was supposed to go to a dance with Mike, because Gordon was too afraid to ask me. I knew that if I could get Mike to back out at the last minute, he would get Gordon to take me in his place. Back in those days, Gordon would do anything Mike told him to do. So, the day before the dance, I made some really sugary brownies for Mike, knowing he would break out. Sure enough, he got a giant pimple and because Mike is so proud of his appearance he refused to appear in public with it. So, he sent Gordon to take me instead, just as I planned. After that night, Gordon would do anything I told him to do.
    Deanna: (Laughing) That is so like my Mike. He is still really into his appearance. He gets up at 6 am and it takes him until 8:30 am to get to Portrait in the morning. Most of that time is spent doing his beauty prep.
    Carleen: (Laughing) You are so ee-vil Tracey. There is so much I can learn from you and Dee. I am still trying to get my Josef to commit to an engagement and a wedding.
    Deanna: At least you got him to let you move in. It’s nice having you living so close now. Mike and Josef still have no clue how good friends we are.
    Carleen: That was so hard. Josef kept on chasing after those “art model” tarts he likes to photograph. It wasn’t until you caught him and Mike playing their “Matador and the Bull” game that you were able to blackmail him into agreeing to do that.
    Tracey: Yuck. I can’t imagine how that looked. Speaking of blackmail, Dee, did Liz believe you when you told her that Mrs. P was blackmailing you about the Trudy the Trout stairs accident?
    Deanna: Oh yeah. After all those billboards of her in the bathing suit and the watermelon seeds on her back, Elizabeth would believe anything you told her that was against her mother. Plus I mentioned that Mike had done a little slash fan fiction, which I knew she would easily find on-line, to help prove I was telling the truth. Liz is definitely on my side in this one.
    Carleen: Luscious Liz. (Laughing). Those billboards and those newspaper ads.

    Then Tracey started laughing. Deanna started laughing too, but her lips got caught on the side of the table and she fell to the floor. Carleen and Tracey helped her up. Carleen said, “Dee, I love you like a sister, but you really need to lay off the collagen.” Tracey concurred, "She's right Dee. Every time I see you, your lips look bigger."

    That was about all I heard, because I had to get desserts for the 3. As they left, Tracey said to me, “Deanna’s dad is Wilf Sobinski, who is family. So she doesn’t pay whenever she comes in. Got it?” I said I got it.

    Anyway, that’s the story. Any idea what it means?

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 7:04 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i must say that's v. interesting stuff u heard & it soundz like dee's not so innocent, iykwim. weird thing, tho, is i know what i heard my ma saying 2 her. cd it b that dee even has my mom fooled in2 thinking she has something on dee when really she doesn't? & wilf is "family"? hmmm.

    apes

     
  • At 7:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    The whole lunchtime conversation was confusing to me. That’s why I hoped you knew something else.

    As I understand it, your mother wants your brother to quit his Portrait job, but instead of telling him herself, she blackmails your sister-in-law to present the idea to your brother. Is this “Trudy the Trout stairs accident” good enough material for blackmail? What do you know about it? How does your father feel about it? Does it matter to you?

    On the other hand, your sister-in-law also wants your brother to quit his Portrait job, but tries to convince your sister that she doesn’t want that. I suppose this means that if your brother does quit the Portrait job, then it would look like your sister-in-law didn’t want to it to happen, when she really did. Why would she care what your sister thinks? Does your sister have some sort of special influence over your mother or anyone else? What is so bad about the job at Portrait anyway? I would love to have that job.

    Fortunately, the Mayes Midtown Motors restaurant closes with the garage, so I am out of here at 8 pm. Fiona left about 3 for the pool hall, but it wasn’t a problem handling the restaurant alone. There has been pretty much no business, except for the garage mechanics, who came in for dinner with their wives and kids. Gordon brought them in and gave them a free dinner. The mechanic’s kids are apparently playmates with Gordon and Tracey’s kids, Rosemary and Paul. Tracey showed up in a sort of hausfrau outfit. I think she is trying to present a certain kind of image. She was dressed a lot younger and sexier this afternoon.

    Anyway, Tracey seemed to be really pleased with the quality of the cooking. I never received any compliments or thanks from Krystle McGuire about my cooking, so it felt really good to hear some nice things. I don’t know how she’ll feel, when she realizes that the restaurant lost money today. I did not have a single paying customer.

    I have not seen or heard from Brenda Starr in awhile. I would be worried, except I know that Brenda can handle herself. I think I am more nervous that Brenda may have forgotten me. She is such an icon, you would think I would be prepared for that, but I’m not. I am not good at controlling my feelings.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 9:55 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok well i m so depressed i went over 2 the diner when i got off frum the bakery but i guess i just missed howie weird that it closes so early but i guess that's cuz there's never ne business so i went over 2 horny tims an' started eating as much junk food as i could. well as i wuz sitting there who should come in but deanna w/ the two brats they were squawling their heads off. i wuz just about 2 yell "shut those little turds up!" when dee whipped out 2 paccies 1 out of each pocket an' twirled them around on her fingers simultaneous it wuz really mezmerizing how she does that. then she got this really angry crease in her brow an' she jammed the paccys in2 the kids' mouths really hard. then she goes up 2 the counter an' orders a big cup of chili an' a giant bucket o' tim balls.

    well she gets her food an' she comes over 2 sit down an' she notices me she goes "oh ur becky april's little friend" an' i'm like "yeah, hi dee" an' she's like "y r u here alone?" an' i go "well duh, cuz i'm from a broken home" all sarcastic-like, but she didn't get the sarcastic part. instead she starts crying an' she sits down at my booth an' starts moaning about how she is afraid her "little angels" will have a broken home 2 if mike doesn't stop working so hard an' i'm all xxcited i'm like "u'll divorce him?" an' she suddenly gets all uppity an' is like "oh no i would never do that only bad people get divorced. i am just saying it will be LIKE a broken home."

    well while she wuz whining that little brat merry climbed on2 the bench bside me an' started chowing down on tim balls. i wuz like "wow y r u at horny tim's getting donuts at dinnertime?" an' she's all like whiny again going "mike's working late again tonite and i just don't have the energy 2 slave over a hot stove making boiled carrots after a long day at work and several months of single parenthood." i'm all like yeah i get that but y r u feeding merry donuts 4 dinner? an' dee goes "i'll feed her anything she wants as long as it keeps her fat mouth shut."

    then robin spit out the paccy an' started 2 bawl so dee starts feeding him the chili!! i wuz all like "is it really ok 2 feed a baby chili?" an' she gets all pissy like "it's runny, isn't it? and baby food is runny. don't try to second-guess me, becky. i'm a pharmacist you know." well damn she shoveled about a quart of chili down that poor baby an' he wuz burping an' farting like krazee. an' i'm like "isn't it dangerous 2 feed a baby spicy food tho?" cuz i don't like her brats but i feel bad 4 the baby.

    dee got so pissed she started yelling an' she's like "i am an excellent mother! some mothers are so overprotective, but i'm not! i give my child the freedom to play with sharp kitchen implements! i let her help me boil carrots without shielding her from the searing coils of our electric stove! i let her ride her tricycle trout at the top of the stairs without using one of those pesky baby gates! i will let my infant son eat the spicy foods he craves! my child will not be smothered and overprotected like i was!"

    it wuz then i got all distracted cuz merry wuz done eating tim balls an' she wuz rooting thru my purse with her sticky fingers an' she found the swiss army knife my dad gave me an' wuz playing with it an' i wuz all like "no way merry!" an' tried 2 take it frum her but she just laffed an' leaned across the table an' pretended 2 use it 2 stab her baby brother. dee wuz all like "my merry has such a fertile imagination."

    i wuz trying 2 think of a good way 2 leave when suddenly robin exploded it wuz like dixie with the havarti poop xxcept it wuz chili-fueled baby diarrhea an' there wuz so much of it that it filled up his diaper rite away an' started squirting out the leg holes. the stench wuz so bad i grabbed my purse an' shoved merry aside an' ran out the door. i let merry keep the pocket knife.

    ur whole fam is nuts apes even the 1s who r only related by marriage!

    becks

    p.s.--mayb we should call those child protection people, huh?

     
  • At 3:22 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Becky's description of the exploding Robin reminded me a lot of Dixie. I sometimes have nightmares about Dixie. Scary.

    After Becky left Tim Hortons, she came over to my place to talk. It really bothers me the way her mother just leaves her alone to work at the bakery late at night. Becky is very resourceful, but she is still very young and I get all protective when I am around her. Her problems are not problems that I can solve, although I wish I could.

    Concernedly,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

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