April's Real Blog

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Dad's Little Story

I think Mom's looooong, boring story inspired Dad to tell me a little story of his own. He sed he thought of it cuz Mike an' Dee are coming over 2day w/Merrie & Robin. Apparently, they stopped by unannounced recently. I think it was on a weekend day when I was out w/my friends. NEway, Dad was all touched & stuff cuz Mike offered Dad 2 help & raked the leaves w/out being asked. Dad got all misty-eyed & told me, "It took 29 yrs, but my good parenting has paid off!" I sed, "Yeah, sure, whatev, Dad, but I've got a lot of work 2 do still 2 get ready 4 our Thanksgiving dinner." & Dad's all, "Oh, rite. Well if U need me I'll be communing w/my trainz." Me: "Yeah, duh."

So, big day 2day. Besides me, Mom, & Dad, Mike, Dee, Merrie & Robin, Grandpa Jim & Iris, & the Andersons*, we've got Brenda Starr & Howard stopping by. My mom is way excited abt having Ms. Starr in our house. Though I'd already cleaned the house thoroughly yesterday, Mom woke me up xtra early 2day & made me clean it again! I did lots of the cooking already yesterday, so 2day I've got the stuff I need 2 make fresh. Oh, and in addition to the main menu Mom chose, plus the additional desserts Mom asked for, I also have 2 make sum mini-quiches & other hors-d'oeuvres cuz Ma thought what we had planned wasn't fancy enuf 4 the likes of Brenda Starr.

Better get back 2 the grind, folks. Our guests are prolly gonna start arriving around noonish.

Apes, cooking

*Sorry I accidently left U & yr 'rents off when I 1st posted 2day, Dunc. My mom was @ my door yelling @ me 2 get my arse downstairs & get back 2 work on the Tgiving prep, so I was a bit stressed!

31 Comments:

  • At 8:51 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, wow, i read yr post w/yr question abt tracey mayes & feel like this is a big, big responsibility u r giving me. i'm a little nervous abt having so much riding on what i have 2 say, but i'll do my best.

    i've really just dealt w/tracey as her babysitter. she never stiffed me or nething, & she gave me 50 bux when i sat 4 them on new yr's eve. that was a big score 4 me. also, she alwayz has gd snacks in the fridge & tells me 2 help myself 2 whatev i want. that's important when u babysit. u get bored & hungry & don't wanna have 2 worry that the peeps u r sitting 4 r gonna count every cookie & yogurt container or memorize how much ice cream they had b4 u arrived so they can give u a hard time 4 having sum.

    let's c, what else? well, they have satellite tv w/every imaginable channel, & i mean every. & tracey's alwayz like, "watch whatev u want once the kidz r asleep. u nev have 2 worry that i'll tell yr mom or dad what u have been watching." so that part's pretty cube.

    but that's much all i can tell u abt dealing w/tracey. i just babysit.

    apes

     
  • At 9:59 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    Thank you so much for the information about Tracey Mayes. You are a good friend, and I knew you would tell me the truth. I think I will go to check out her restaurant on Monday. After all, it couldn't hurt just to see what she has. It doesn't mean I have to accept the job or anything.

    I will see you this afternoon for Thanksgiving along with Brenda Starr. Oh my god. I'm going with Brenda Starr. Oh my god. By the by, please remember that Duncan and his family are coming to Thanksgiving too. I hope that when Duncan was meeting with Kimmi LaSalle yesterday, he was also giving her an invite. But I don't know. You'll have to ask Duncan.

    Oh, I have your stuffings and will bring them along with me, since I don't trust your mom not to eat them, if I bring them over early. Is there anything else you need?

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 10:05 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, i can't believe i left dunc & his 'rents off of the list! sorry 'bout that, dunc, i'm gonna go edit the entry after i post this comment. boy, am i embarrassed.

    no need 2 bring nething else, howard. the stuffings r already a big, giant help.

    apes

    p.s. i'm glad i was able 2 be helpful by telling u abt mrs. mayes.

     
  • At 11:16 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    No prob, Apes, evrything is so confusing 2day. I dont no if yr mom told u what happened last nite.

    I met Kimmi @ Horny Tims 2 tell her that I thot it would B better 4 her if we broke up 'cos she keeps getting in2 trouble 'cos of me an' I dont want her 2 pursue a life of crime an' weve run outta places 2 go 4 r private rainbow party NEway. Kimmi started 2 cry an' I didnt no what 2 do so I went and bot her a Hawaiian dip an' a double double.

    I had just sat down again when yr mom came in an' bot a family pack of Tim Balls. 10 secs aft she finished scarfing them down, she Cs me an' Kimmi an' starts yelling @ Kimmi, I told u 2 stay away fr Duncan, u roadside gig, Duncan should B w/ a nice girl, not the daughter of that guardrail Genevieve Lasalle. Then Kimmi goes 2 me, so Duncan u r rilly breaking up w/ me 'cos Im not good enuf 4 u, I hope u enjoy ****ing the goats on yr grans goat farm 'cos thats all the action u r ever going 2 get. An' then Kimmi mashed the Hawaiian dip in my face an' poured her double double on my lap.

    I dont remember the next part 2 well 'cos man the double double rilly hurt. Luggie came in an' arrested Kimmi 4 assaulting me. Yr mom called my mom an' I could hear my mom yelling thru the phone, Elly take him 2 the hospital, I may B a nurse but a 14yo boy isnt going 2 let his mother look, I dont care if Michael would let u look, take Duncan 2 the hospital. Yr mom an' Keesha Grant an' I got in2 the 'Asse an' yr mom kept saying, Duncan honey try not 2 get the donut sprinkles and coffee on the upholstery of my car.

    Yr mom left aft my 'rents got there. Dr. Schlanger says Ive got 1st degree burns down there an' prescribed sum antibiotic ointment an' sum Tylenol 3s. Dr. S. says I cant take gym 4 2 weeks but I dont have gym this semester NEway. I asked him if I could play bass an' he said I dunno, mayB if u dont overdo it, stop if it hurts. Keesha was sitting w/ my 'rents when I got out an' she says shell come over 2 c me 2morrow.

    Got 2 go. C u soon.

    p.s. Kimmi, I dont think u can read this in the Mboro Youth Detention Centre, but Im sorry 2 say that Ill hafta sue u when I turn 18. MayB its best if u go 2 that school. U will prolly B happier in Ottawa, NEway, 'cos Mrs. P. wont B there 2 watch u all the time.

    p.p.s. I cant figure out when Keesah came in2 Horny Tims. I didnt c her b4 I was assaulted.

     
  • At 11:28 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, dunc, what a nite u had! my mom, all she sed was, "oh, i saw duncan last nite @ tim horton's & then i had 2 give him a ride." i don't know y she spared the deets.

    so, i'll c u soon, eh?

    apes

     
  • At 12:03 PM, Anonymous keesha grant said…

    hey, april. and dunc, if u r reading here. so guess what? i herd that kimmi's probly gonna hafta spend the rest of the semester @ the youth detention centre. then next semester, her 'rents r shipping her off 2 that catholic military reform school!

    keesh

     
  • At 1:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so i can do a quick update & then i need 2 get back 2 the festivities.

    gramps & iris were the 1st 2 arrive. they got here early at abt quarter to 12. gramps sed sumthin' abt how if u r old & on a fixed income it's more imp. than ev. 2 b punctual. yeh, i have no idea what he meanz by that, but i've found it's best just 2 smile & nod. iris sumhow got past my mom's security & in2 the kitch 2 c is she cd help me, but really everything was pretty well dun by then. iris told me she inspected gramps b4 they left home 2 make sure he didn't smuggle ne contraband dixie food. she also told him, "i swear 2 god, jim richards, if u give that dog nething 2 give her the runny poops i m gonna rub yr nose in it & swat u w/a newspaper." & i think she meant it, peeps!

    so then mom discovered the breech in kitchen security & chased out iris, saying, "out, out, out, i've been working like a slave in here, & it's off limits!" so, yeah.

    dunc & his fam got here abt half an hour l8r. they brought sum chocolates, so my mom was, like, "i luv u!" dunc's dad immed. went 2 go play choo-choos w/my dad, who alwayz has time 4 that. my mom & dunc's moms put their heads 2gether & started whispering. i only caught "keesha" and "much better" and "thank god" b4 my mom sed, "go get those hors-d'oeuvres ready, april! c if dunc wants sum mini-quiches!"

    so dunc & i were munchin' the lil quiches when mike, dee, & the kids arrived @ abt 1 o'clock. they were both going on & on abt how hard it is 2 get ready 2 go newhere w/a 3yo & an 11-mo-old, & gramps was, like, "well, @ least u r still young & healthy" & they got in2 a bit of a pissing contest until i distracted them w/food.

    robin's @ that stage where he's starting 2 walk, but mostly he cruises by holding on2 furniture. & my mom, of course, does nuthin' 2 babyproof this place, so dunc & i had 2 make a special barrier @ the staircase by using a doggie gate. & we stuck duct tape over the unused outlets 2 keep the kiddles fr. electrocuting themselves.

    merrie ran up 2 me & sed, "toys! toys!" cuz she knows i still have toys fr. when i was younger. so i went & got sum dolls & blocks 4 her 2 play w/& dee sed, "u know, it's nice that u r letting merrie play w/thos toys, but material things r nothing like the value of spending time 2gether." then she looked @ my ma all anxious, like, "isn't that rite, elly?" & my mom, w/her smug look, is all, "that's rite, dee, u r learning." when my mom was out of earshot, dee was like, "toys rock! u have ne stuffed animals robin can borrow?" so i went & got an old teddy & an old doggie of mine.

    oh, wait, there's a bit of a commotion going on, let me c what it is. . . .

    ok, i'm back. oh. my. god. u have no idea what happened. anthony just walked in, uninvited, w/baby françoise. he's all, "thérèse is away on another business seminar. she doesn't care abt me, the little one, thanksgiving, or nething other than that blasted career!" my mom's like, "there, there, anthony, let me help u w/françoise. look @ u. @ yr next hi-school reunion, u will knock the socks off of those jocks." & anth is like, "do u mean the footballers & hockeyheads r gonna fall in luv w/me? cuz if i swung that way, i think i'd look much younger. like lawrence." & mom's all, "no, never mind."

    well, that's it 4 now. i'll post another update when i have the chance.

    apes

     
  • At 2:36 PM, Anonymous keesha grant said…

    omigod, u know who's at my house rite now? shannon lake, her bro blair, & her 'rents. neway, i had no idea the lakes were coming over. shannon was really pissed @ me cuz some1 who read my comment about her taking a drag off esther ford's ciggie totally told her mom & now she's on punishment. i told her i didn't know she'd get in trouble, i was surprised, cuz mrs. patterson's alwayz sayin' "that nice special needs girl" is so pure & good. u'd think shannon nevr even goes #2. so i explained all that & shannon sed she 4gave me. she sed i'm lucky she's so mature & has such a strong sense of humour. she also told me she's in a bad mood cuz her mom made her wear a dress & she had 2 hurry 2 get ready 2day. she made a pissy face when my mom put "la boheme" on the cd player. sez "i h8 opera." then when i told her we're having broccoli w/our meal, she made gagging sounds.

    well, i'd better go. shannon's standing behind me sayin' "i like 2 go online", so i guess that's a hint she wants 2 use my pootr.

    keesh

     
  • At 2:47 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ok, so brenda starr & howard got here abt 20 mins ago. brenda's wearing a shiny, sparkly lookin' outfit & her hair looks all glossy. i've gotta ask her what kinda conditioner she uses. howard keeps whispering "oh my god" under his breath and sort of patting ms. star's shoulder like he wants 2 make sure ov. & ov. that she's real. all the guyz here are, like, being magnetically drawn 2 ms. starr. dad's like, "let me refresh yr drink & tell u all abt trains. & teeth." mr. anderson's like, "let me refresh your plate. & tell u abt trains & jazz." gpa jim is all, "let me tell u abt when i was in the war. i'm a WAR HERO, u know. & i'm in a band. want me 2 sign yr arse?" mike's fallin' all ov. himself & actually reading aloud fr. columns he's written. that's making me cringe. & dunc's rapping! i don't know what it is w/the males of our species. oh, & i had 2 lock edgar in the garage cuz he was tryin' 2 hump her leg. & dixie got all jellus. she's in the garage now, 2, cuz now she doesn't trust eddie 2 b alone. lol.

    well, i'd better get ready 2 serve the main meal. . . .

    apes

     
  • At 2:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, 4got 2 mention, anth's getting in on the b.starr drooling 2. he keeps saying "lemme tell u abt how my evil career-woman wife doesn't luv me or understand me & doesn't wanna b w/our little 1, françoise." i must say, ms. starr seems 2 b taking this all in stride. i guess she's used 2 this.

    apes

     
  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dearest Howard,

    I am posting covertly. Shhhh. I can't really talk to you right now, but I have been reading this blog and have been lectured on the need to have a back up gay.

    I must say that this practice is most disturbing. I have known and loved many people who call themselves gay. They are not blank peices to be shoved in where other peices of the puzzle are missing. They are people with wants, loves and feelings of their own.

    I am going to try to find the doctor of each of the elder women in this down then finagle a visit to their physicians myself. There must be some kind of pollution or corruption going on causing the straight men of this town to age so suddenly. I fear this could be used as a weapon in the furture to subdue humanity!

    And Howard, if you are reading. I hope you don't mind if I've talked or if I do talk to Tracey and Gordon Mayes at some point in the past or future. And Honey, you really should zip your fly.

    Lovingly,
    Brenda

     
  • At 2:55 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    P.S.

    You should have seen the look on Dee Patterson's face when I asked her if Mike was her backup!

     
  • At 3:19 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok folks here i m in the kitchen waiting 2 get the turkey out of the oven an' so i will post real quick 2 update u on what i'm calling "the trailer trash Thanksgiving spectacular."

    well dad an' his escort showed up first an' we were so happy 2 c each other we hugged super tight u can't do that at the jail we can only blow kisses thru the safety glass. dad wuz like "oh my little becky i think you've grown!" an' i'm all like "nope" an' dad's all like "well u've grown more beautiful is what i mean" an' mom starts making all these fake gagging noises like she's gonna puke which kinda pissed me off.

    then dad saw rick standing there an' he started 2 get all mad he's like "who's this?" an' mom sez "it's my fiance rick" an' dad wuz like "he's not family y's he here?" an' mom's like "he is part of my family" an' dad's like "he looks like a little pussy" an' he kinda fake-charged at rick got scared an' hid behind mom. that made me an' dad laff an' we high-5d. just then the doorbell rang an' it wuz uncle ralph an' aunt mark w/ grandma hortense. they were all kissin' an' huggin' an' so mom an' rick went an' hung out in the kitchen rick is not frum m-boro so he's never seen so much kissin' btween men b4. then dad an' uncle ralph started 2 wrestle. while they were doing that grandma h came up 2 me an' goes "becky you're getting 2 b such a big girl" an' i go "yup, thanks gram" an' she suddenly opens her purse an' hands me a gun! she's all like "that's a late birthday gift frum ur gramma hor. it's just a little purse gun. all the mcguire women carry 1." i thanked her an' took it an' hid it under my mattress cuz i think i should consult howie abt it.

    then my great aunt jackie showed up she came frum buffalo an' she had my great uncle jethro with her he came frum alabama. they're my mom's aunt an' uncle. well dad saw jackie an' next thing u know they're on the front porck an' it looks like they're chewing each other's tongues off while they grope private parts thru clothes. i guess they do that every thanksgiving. well uncle jethro didn't know that he hardly ever comes so he totally pumps his shotgun an' goes, "git yer hands offa my sister!" an' jackie's like, "christ jethro i'm 64, it's not like he's gonna get me in a family way! and y do u talk like that? you're frum buffalo originally!" so jethro wuz all like, "carry on then," an' went in the house where he an' aunt mark started having a heated debate abt gay marriage.

    i'm trying 2 pry dad an' aunt jackie apart b4 mom c's them when another car pulls up it's a red corvette an' this blond guy with long hair gets out of the driver's seat an' i c it's aunt mark's old bf karl hungus. actually that's not his real name, it's his porn star name. well he runs around the passenger side an' opens the door an' my old piano teacher miss prudence gets out. i guess karl got stuck with the job of picking her up. well miss prudence is only 37 but she is very proud of being a spinster so she dresses like it's 1905, not 2005. she gets out an' u can tell she's not happy 2 b getting a ride frum a guy called karl hungus. i say hi 2 her an' send her in2 the kitchen cuz she brought her famous mincemeat pie an' wants 2 know where 2 put it. i guess karl went over an' kissed aunt mark, which made uncle ralph mad. next thing u know, the 3 of them are all pissed at each other an' uncle jethro's like "y wuz the x-boyfriend even invited?" an' i'm like "good question."

    ok well i'm trying 2 break up the fight between ralph an' mark an' karl when the door busts open an' it's aunt arlene w/ her dog bowzer. aunt arlene is scary! she is like 6'1" an' 300 pounds an' she's covered in tats an' wears all biker leather. she rode up on her harley an' the dog rides on the bitch seat. well arlene yells "do i have to bust the heads of some f**s?" (not a very nice name 4 gay guyz there) but uncle ralph totally laffs an' next thing u know aunt arlene is giving uncle ralph a piggy back ride around the yard while they each take swigs out of a bottle of jack daniels. karl an' mark used that opportunity 2 go make out in a corner, an' uncle jethro took bowzer out in the yard 2 play fetch.

    well then another car pulls up it's a model t an' it wuz my great-great-grandma eulalie (mom's mom's mom's mom) an' her new husband juan de la mancha. eulalie is 104 an' juan is only 27. mom sez he wuz an orderly at the rest home in ypsilanti. i thought mayb he wuz after gramma eulalie's money but mom sez no, there's no money left, but that eulalie is (gag) the greatest lover alive. turns out mom put me next 2 eulalie at dinner hoping i will get some really good tips out of her. eew! well juan carried eulalie in2 the house an' set her up on the sofa. she seems pretty sharp 4 being 104. she immediately got me an' juan in2 a game of poker.

    then rita begler showed up. well it turns out that she's aunt arlene's "mystery friend" that she wuz bringing it got all confused. i guess rita an' arlene met at a lesbian bar an' now they're kinda hooked up. rita couldn't ride 2 the party w/ arlene tho cuz bowzer wuz riding in the bitch seat. well rita brought a bottle of wine as a hostess gift but it wuz already half gone by the time she got 2 the house.

    then juan comes running out of the house an' he goes in2 the model t an' gets out a goldfish bowl. gramma eulalie has a fish named rutherford b. hayes after her great-uncle who wuz a president of the united states. also juan got the cat carrier out of aunt jackie's car she brought her cat miss priss. i wuz all like "that's a disaster waiting 2 happen" an' gramma eulalie wuz like "shut ur trap girl, juan knows what he's doing." then she dealt gramma hortense in2 the game even tho she an' eulalie have never got along.

    so the house wuz like total chaos when the dude frum children's services showed up. i met him at the door an' wuz like "yes this is a little chaotic but it's a really warm an' loving environment 2 grow up in" an' the guy is all like "whatever, i'm just here 4 the pie. krystle already took care of 'paying me off' so don't sweat it kid." that wuz a relief.

    last came the 2 restaurant reviewers. they were pretty freaked by all the wrestlin' on the front lawn. also by how many peeps were carrying guns. but i sed "don't worry it's like this every year an' no1 has ever gotten shot unless they try 2 take food off some1 else's plate." i put the reviewers in my bedroom with some nice appetizers an' closed the door.

    ok more later i gotta get the food on the table b4 there's gunplay.

    becks

     
  • At 3:26 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear Duncan,

    Don't worry about your penis. Dr. Schlanger is a miracle worker. He will fix it up like new again.

    We're done having dinner here, so I'm going over to Becky's house. The goings-on sound quite fascinating, and I bet no one will notice me there anyway. Besides, I saw all the pies and the cinnamon ice cream. We only got tofu turkey and sugar-free "pumpkin sorbet" at my house because Mom is still on a diet.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     
  • At 3:46 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    holy crap. when i called every1 2 dinner, uncle jethro and aunt jackie came 2 the table in full pilgrim costumes. when my dad goes "y r u dressed like freaks?" jethro got all pissed an' started lecturing dad on the origins of the "real american thanksgiving" an' how canadians just don't appreciate the richness of their traditions or the sacrifices of their forefathers an' that canadian thanksgiving wuz just a rip-off of american thanksgiving neway "and not a very good one!"

    then uncle ralph pulled his gun on jethro an' sed "take that back!" an' jethro goes "it's true!" an' launches in2 a long-winded talk abt how when the mayflower landed at plymouth rock the pilgrims had no food an' it wuz a hard winter an' blah blah blah an' i think he sed something abt the peeps frum mtigwaki helping the pilgrims out, but we all got bored an' just decided 2 start eating.

    i just came in2 my room 2 check on the animals some1 got the brite idea 2 put them all in a room together! everything seems ok rite now. bowser is asleep some1 gave him a plate of turkey an' i hear that can make peeps sleepy so i guess it works on dogs 2. the cat is finishing off the plate of turkey. an' some1 put a scoop of mashed potatoes in the fishbowl 4 rutherford b. hayes. i cleaned most of it out.

    i went under my mattress 2 get my purse gun 2 carry just in case i needed it but it's GONE!! i m totally freaking.

    got 2 get back 2 the table b4 some1 eats my stuffing.

    becks

     
  • At 5:00 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    Wow. It sounds like you have a lot of things going on at your Thanksgiving. When I get there, I will help you deal with that gun and anything else that needs helping. We just finished the main meal at April’s Thanksgiving and I managed to sneak out just long enough to get in this post. By the by, the food was great. April is a really good cook. I didn’t realize how good until today.

    I managed to get my stuffing past the Elly security, because when I came in with Brenda Starr, everyone in the room was distracted by her overwhelming glamour, including Elly Patterson. Oh my god, I am here with Brenda Starr. I can hardly believe it.

    Duncan is here with his parents. He is walking very tenderly after that “accident” he had with Kimmi at Tim Hortons. It is funny to see how delicately Duncan is being treated by Elly and his mom. They are waiting on him hand and foot. By the by, they have been consulting each other about Duncan’s social calendar. Duncan, if you are reading this, I think you have a few parentally-escorted dates with Keesha Grant lined up. At least one of them involves seeing a Bobby Curtola impersonator, so I feel for you.

    April’s grandpa Jim has hidden some Havarti on him somewhere to give to Dixie. I can smell the butter aroma. I told Iris about it, but she insists that she inspected him thoroughly. I would like to believe Iris, but I trust my nose even more. Grandpa Jim keeps trying to sneak out to the garage, but every time I see him go, I tell Iris.

    Little Robin is a cute kid, little Merrie is darling and baby Françoise is adorable. I sure hope my uncle and aunt give Merrie those herbal collagen treatments for her birthday. She has clearly been receiving collagen lip injections. I love playing with kids, and so we were all having a good time. Then Brenda Starr (oh my god) pulls herself away from her male attention, comes over to me and whispers in my ear, “Howard. Your fly is unzipped.” I zipped. Then she said, “Howard, I didn’t know you liked kids.” I said, “I love children. I always wanted some of my own, but I am afraid my orientation makes that a little difficult.” Then Brenda pulled out pictures of her daughter, Starr Twinkle. She said, “I love my daughter a lot, but I wish she had a good father figure instead of my husband Basil, who is never around.” Then almost every man in the room was suddenly there, talking about how they would be a good father figure to Starr Twinkle and how they would make the arrangements ASAP if Brenda just gave them the word. The mood of the party suddenly changed as estrogen-loaded hatred filled the air. I think I may have to take Brenda out of here very soon, for her own safety.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 5:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, we've had our big meal, & now every1 is eating desserts &
    drinking coffee. i can't go in2 all the deets of what's been going on here cuz my mom's abt 2 notice i'm missing & come lookin' 4 me. so sum quick hilights. . . .

    mom was obvs getting peeved that all the men were obsessing ovr brenda starr. 1st they were almost having a fistfite ovr who got 2 b next 2 or @ least across fr her. ms. starr was all, "boys! no need 2 squabble! i'd like 2 have my closest mboro confidant, howard, on my rite, & ms. april patterson on my left. mrs. & dr. patterson shd ea b
    @ the heads of the table cuz they r the gracious hosts." iris & i kinda glanced @ ea other & iris rolled her eyes a bit cuz she knew i'd dun all the prep & cooking (xcept 4 yr delish stuffings, howard, & those yummy choccies, dunc). then, ms. starr sed, "across fr. me, i'd like the talented mc dunc." so then the rest of the table filled in. gramps was 2 mom's rite & iris was 2 jim's rite. on the other side,
    dee was on the rite side of dad & mike on the left. dee had robin in a hi chair sort of wedged between her & dad, & mike had merrie in a booster seat 2 his left. dunc's dad was next 2 merrie & his mom was next 2 dee. anthony was @ a card table cuz we didn't have a setting 4 him (the perils of being an uninvited guest). little françoise was sleeping in her carseat.

    then ma started 2 do a speech abt being thankful, but it was mostly abt how every1 should b thankful abt her, elly patterson. & she also sed it was so sad that liz cdn't be with us, but liz was away being all adventurous and spinsterish. when she sed that bit abt liz, i'm pretty sure ms. starr kicked me under the table. but when i looked ovr @ her, she was acting as if she was just paying really, really close attention 2 what ma was sayin'.

    under her breath, ms. starr sed (but w/out taking her eyes off mom, so ne1 who wasn't rite close wdn't know she was even talking), "april, i sense u r the type of girl who likes 2 get 2 the bottom of things. is this true?" & i'm all, "yeah, i guess", & she's like, "good, that will b v. imp l8r." then she sed, "howard & i may disappear and reappear during the course of this gathering. as u know, we r also planning on visiting with the mcguire family, but i can't tell u when exactly that will b & whether or not we will return here after our stop there."

    uh-oh, gotta go, ma's calling!

    apes

     
  • At 5:13 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok well the dinner part is over we haven't had dessert yet but we're taking a break cuz we all ate 2 much so pie will have 2 wait.

    ok so we were all chowing down when the doorbell rang well dad answered it an' it wuz gerald. dad is all like "who is this little pipsqueak?" an' i go "it's april's bf gerald" an' dad goes "well he sure got a purty mouth" an' every1 at the table busts a gut laffing. even the restaurant reviewers who mostly just acted kinda scared up til that point. well ger comes over an' sits down on the other side of gramma eulalie an' he wuz totally hungry! good thing mom made like 3 giant turkeys. gerald ate like half of 1 it wuz like he hadn't eaten in days. then he told me he gets real hungry on weekends cuz all his mom keeps around the house is tofu an' salad. i kinda felt bad 4 him. neway eulalie sed 2 him she goes "well mr. gerald i'm glad ur here. becky and i were just discussing the importance of the clitoris in the sexual satisfaction of the woman. i'm guessing you could use a thorough education in the ways to bring about pleasure in the female partner." ger wuz so xxxcited 2 b getting sex talk out of ne girl that he about choked on the drumstick he wuz wolfind down. karl hungus pounded him on the back an' when ger stopped choking karl goes "listen 2 eulalie, she knows what she's talking about" an' then karl winked at gramma eulalie!!! well ger wuz hanging on eulalie's every word an' he wuz all like "i have the most perfect girlfriend in the world, her name is april, but she is often annoyed with me" an' eulalie wuz like "take notes kid, an' ur girlfriend will b following u around with starz in her eyes!" so ger totally whipped out a pen an' paper. i wuz glad 2 have her distracted b4 ger showed up she would not stop talking 2 me abt the neglected importance of the g-spot an' the prostate gland in sexual pleasure. btween writing an' eating, ger has been pretty well occupied since he got here. i asked him how come he didn't go 2 apes's house 4 food an' he admitted it wuz cuz he knew my house would be more xxxciting. "and i wuz rite!" he said. i don't think i've seen ger this happy since apes let him feel her boob at the movies.

    ok well ger an' eulalie were so preoccupied at dinner they didn't really notice it when the reviewer frum the m-boro shop n' saver took the last candied yam. those r aunt arlene's faves an' she pulled out a knife, put it 2 his throat, an' goes, "drop the f'in spoon, fucktard." i wuz sure there would be bloodshed but just then the reviewer frum the "suburban torontonian" whipped out a gun an' put it 2 her head!! it wuz my new purse gun! an' he goes "lady, i'm sure we can work out a compromise, don't u think?" arlene started laffing an' she wuz like "u 2 r all rite!" an' they totally split the last yam. i asked the reviewers after dinner an' they sed when they saw all the guns after they arrived they decided they'd better arm themselves 2 an' found the gun under my mattress. i guess that's a common place 2 hide guns so they looked there first. i told them they could keep it.

    well after dinner every1 started playing "7 minutes in heaven" which i thought wuz a kids game but not in this crowd! also it is apparently not off-limits 2 have 2 go in w/ some1 ur related 2, so long as ur not "a first-or second-degree relative." wow they have these rules down cold! well first uncle ralph went in2 the closet w/ rita begler. she brought a bottle of popov vodka in there so i totally thought they'd just drink but when i opened the door (my job since i'm a minor) uncle ralph an' rita were totally all over each other. aunt arlene thought it wuz funny but aunt mark wuz all pissed.

    next grandma hortense went in the closet with the social services guy. after 2 minutes we heard gunshots in there so i opened the door early but it turned out that when gramma went 2 take off her support stockings she accidentally shot off her gun she had hidden in them. the social services guy wuz all like "what abt my other 5 minutes?" but dad yelled "NEXT!"

    well eulalie yelled "gerald and becky!" an' i wuz totally like "no way" but they all laffed an' shoved us in the closet. so we were sitting in there an' just kinda waiting 4 the 7 minutes 2 b up when ger suddenly goes "i hope u don't expect me 2 pleasure ur g-spot. i have 2 save that 4 my beloved april." i smacked him an' his head whacked in2 the wall an' i guess they heard it cuz uncle jethro yelled "if the closet's a rockin' don't come a knockin'!" an' every1 laffed.

    well after we got 2 get out i wuz mad so i went in2 my room 2 start working on this post. i had most of it typed when i heard some really loud moaning in the living room curious so i went out there. it wuz coming frum the closet. i asked "who's in there?" an' uncle ralph sez "karl hungus an' miss prudence!" an' i'm all like "oh no" cuz miss prudence is always going on an' on abt the importance of female chastity an' virginity til marriage. well when they came out miss prudence had a big smile on her face an' she announces that she an' karl hungus r engaged! karl looked kinda puzzled but i guess he's kewl with it cuz they did a big dip-an'-smooch kiss. ger wuz totally taking notes on that 1. aunt mark yelled out "but ur gay!!" an' miss prudence wuz like "yes but all the best husbands in m-boro are!" an' eulalie yelled "i'll drink 2 that!" juan looked embarrassed. i think mayb they have the backup gay system in ypsilanti 2.

    oh crap gotta go miss priss has her whole paw in the fish bowl. rutherford b. hayes looks really scared.

    becks

     
  • At 5:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    p.s. thanx 4 the compliment abt my cooking. also thanx 4 siccing iris on gramps. i have a lock on the garage door & only i know the combo, but i'm also gonna work on getting that stinkarse cheese away fr. him.

    apes

     
  • At 5:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    sorry, becks, i didn't c that post until after i sent mine thru. soundz crayzee, yo. & thanx 4 not mackin' on my bf.

    apes

     
  • At 6:12 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, it turns out that howard was rite abt gramps havin' havarti cheese hidden on him. we were all sitting in the living rm having our desserts & coffees when merrie came ov 2 gramps & was like, snf, snf, snf. snf, snf. then she's all, "gr8grampa! cheese! merrie want!" gramps sez, "i don't have ne cheese! & besidez, it's 4 dixie!" iris goes, "4 heaven sakes, jim, u promised!" & he's all, "fingers crossed, woman!" then, merrie starts crying, & iris sez, "give her sum cheese"! so he sighs & pulls a money belt out fr. under his shirt & it's got abt five 1-lb havarti blocks. he starts 2 give sum 2 merrie & the moment he starts that, robin cruises over 2 him & goes "ah-ah-ah" pointing 2 his mouth. so gramps feeds sum cheese 2 robin 2. pretty soon, merrie & robin have ea had a pound apiece & dee notices & says, "mr. richards, r u nuts!" . . . .

    uh-oh, gotta fly!

    apes

     
  • At 6:29 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh crap well howie an' brenda starr got here just in time 4 dessert i gave howie a big hug an' a kiss hello an' i go "just don't tick ne1 off, they've all got guns." brenda starr goes "no problem, i'm packin'" an' opens her purse an' shows me that she's got a gun in there!! it wuz really sparkly.

    neway i left them in the living room an' went 2 get the pie. mom wuz supposed 2 help but she made homemade whipped cream an' as soon as that wuz done she an' rick got real distracted an' next thing i know they're going in2 my bedroom w/ the bowl of whipped cream an' they lock the door. (mom's bedroom wuz full of coats an' purses an' guns an' u do not want 2 c what my fam is like if they can't have ready access 2 their weapons.) so i had 2 make a whole nother batch of whipped cream.

    well i go 2 serve the pies an' i c that brenda starr has commanded all the attention of the guyz at the table especially the gay 1s aunt mark wuz like howie going "wow, brenda starr, wow" the whole time. dad didn't seem 2 impressed by her tho he kept saying "well my becky will be an even bigger gay icon then u r someday" which is flattering but i don't think that's the kind of fame i want.

    well the problem started when i ran out of pumpkin pie an' that is all great-great-grandma eulalie can chew is soft stuff but no1 would give up their piece. so i go "here have some of the derby pie instead, you can just pick out the pecans," an' eulalie goes "that's hortense's pie an' i'll b god-damned if i'll eat something that old crow made" which totally pissed off gramma hortense. she grabbed the tub of cinnamon ice cream, dipped a big scoop, an' threw it at eulalie. it hit gramma eulalie in the face. her glasses broke an' her hearing aid fell out an' landed in her coffee. well eulalie wuzn't gonna take that so she whipped a knitting needle at hortense! the needle stabbed hortense right in the chest but strangely she did not seem 2 b badly injured even though it went in pretty deep. gerald wuz all fascinated by that he wuz like "whoa that lady got stabbed in the boob!" hortense yanked out the needle an' screamed "i'll put ur eyes out!" tried 2 dive across the table 2 kill eulalie but fortunately arlene grabbed her an' wrestled her 2 the floor an' sat on her. so arlene an' hortense ate their pie on the floor. miss prudence gave eulalie her piece of pumpkin in the end cuz she sed she didn't need it she wants 2 b skinny 2 fit in2 her wedding dress. karl hungus is actually starting 2 get in2 the whole marriage plan now he's holding miss prudence on his lap an' making eyes at her. he keeps trying 2 feed her pieces of pie but she insists, "no, i want 2 b beautiful 4 u!" an' then they kiss. usually he hasn't swallowed yet so it's kinda like gross pumpkin pie falling out everywhere kisses. nasty.

    i asked dad an' he sez the reason y gramma hortense didn't get hurt by the knitting needle is that she got some of the world's 1st breast implants many, many years ago. they r made out of stainless steel an' heavy-duty tire rubber. aunt mark goes "yeah i've seen 'em. they're hard as rocks but they look great!" an' i asked how he knows how they feel an' he goes "duh, hortense tried 2 make me her backup gay many years ago." i felt real stupid 4 asking such a dumb question.

    oh crap i gotta go all of a sudden i hear crashing an' barking coming frum my bedroom

    becks

     
  • At 7:07 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, becks, soundz like all h*ll is breakin' loose there. my house has been pretty boring in comparison, but get this--i heard a sort of moaning sound coming fr. lizzie's room. so i quietly opened the door & i found anthony in there, running his fingers through sum of liz's old bras that she left behind. he was going, "oh, liz, my dear, lost liz." when he saw me, he was like, "april, u just don't understand love", & i sed, "that's not love, creepo, it's deviance" (we've been learning abt "deviance" in school.) he just sorta busted out crying & i pushed him outta there.

    michael had 2 give merrie a bath cuz she soiled herself after having 2 much cheese. he kept cursing under his breath & fuming like bathing his kid is, like, the worst thing ev. i found sum of my old toddler clothes up in the attic 4 merrie 2 change in2. o, & robin soiled himself, 2, but that's not such a big deal since he's still in diapers. otoh, dee was pissed abt gramps giving robin dairy cuz she wasn't planning on introducing dairy till he was 1yo in case he's allergic.

    well, gotta go. i just hear iris yelling, "jim, i told u not 2 eat the rest of that cheese!"

    apes

     
  • At 7:32 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh hell here's what happened after the last post.

    well i heard barking an' screaming an' crashing in my bedroom so i go open the door an' i find rick is on top of mom on the bed an' they're both naked an' doing it with whipped cream smeared all over an' bowzer is biting rick on the ass! i totally yell 4 arlene 2 come call him off an' while she's going that i c that some1 threw a piece of ginger cake in2 the fishtank 4 rutherford b. hayes. well i guess ginger is poison 2 fish cuz good ol' rutherford wuz floating on the top of the bowl. i wuz gonna scoop him out an' put him in a baggie 4 eulalie 2 bury but just then miss priss grabbed the fish body an' ran out of the room with it.

    well gramma eulalie saw miss priss with the fish in her mouth an' she totally freaked. she started hitting miss priss with her cane. that made aunt jackie mad so she started hitting gramma eulalie with 1 of her heavy pilgrim shoes with the huge buckles. well uncle jethro got mad an' yelled "u guyz r interrupting i'm trying 2 watch the baseball playoffs houston an' atlanta are on the 18th inning!" an' he starts hitting jackie. well gramma hortense got mad an' yelled "u americans think the holidays r all about watching football an' talking abt stupid pilgrims! well this is canada an' u have 2 respect our traditions!" an' she started hitting jethro. an' uncle ralph started hitting gramma hortense i didn't know y but dad sez uncle ralph always wanted 2 hit her an' he figured this wuz his big chance. i decided 2 just let them pound on each other.

    i went in2 mom's bedroom an' i found aunt mark an' karl hungus an' miss prudence in there they were having some big tearful conversation. i guess aunt mark spilled the beans about karl being a porn star. miss prudence doesn't think that's a respectable career so she kept telling karl that she wanted him 2 give it up an' he kept saying "but i'm an actor" an' she said "yes but u should get in2 legitimate theater" an' that made aunt mark mad cuz karl hungus is like the king of the gay porn world an' he kept saying "but it's ur calling!" an' i guess karl is really torn up abt it cuz he wuz crying.

    so i went out in the backyard 2 try 2 get some peace an' quiet but arlene had taken bowzer out there. arlene an' rita were totally making out on the back steps. gerald wuz there 2 hiding in the bushes an' he wuz totally watching them an' taking notes. i yelled "gerald get out of there!" an' ger got all startled an' jumped up an' when bowzer saw that he started chasing ger around the back yard trying 2 bite him. arlene an' i laffed about that 4 awhile until rita begged arlene 2 call the dog off. so i got ger down frum the tree he climbed an' inside the house. i told him 2 calm down an' sat him down 2 watch baseball with the social services guy an' the 2 restaurant reviewers an' dad's cop escort. it wuz then that i realized i hadn't seen dad 4 awhile.

    so i started looking 4 dad. i knew he wuzn't in mom's room or my room or the dining room or the living room or the kitchen so i checked the basement an' the garage an' the attic an' no dad. then i looked around the yard. no dad. then i started 2 freak. i asked arlene if she'd seen dad an' she gets this guilty look on her face an' goes "honey i loaned him my car so he could make a quiet getaway this wuz his big chance." then she gave me a note frum dad. i won't say what it sed but basically he couldn't face going back 2 jail so he decided 2 split.

    i still haven't told the cop guy. he is 2 wrapped up in the baseball game.

    mom had 2 take rick 2 the emergency room 2 get stitches in his butt.

    miss prudence just went storming out of the house so i guess karl decided the legitimate theater wuzn't 4 him.

    all the hitting has pretty much stopped. i got kind of curious where juan wuz during all that. turns out he wuz in the kitchen washing dishes! seriously this guy is way cube. he sed he didn't think i should b the 1 2 have 2 clean up after all these crazy peeps. well he sed "crazy fuckers" actually. i told him he wuz ultra cube.

    i need 2 go 4 now. mayb howie an' brenda can fill u in on the rest. i didn't c them very much during this whole mess. not quite sure where they were or what they saw.

    becks

     
  • At 7:32 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear Becky,

    Thank you for having me over for Canadian Thanksgiving. This has been the best party I have ever attended!

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

     
  • At 8:01 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Dear April,

    Now that we have left your house, I thought I would apprise you of events both you and Howard missed.

    I must add to Howard's compliments on your cooking April. You are a superb cook and quite an accomplished young lady. I hope that you and I will be able sit down and talk when there isn't so much distraction.

    Your mother, Elly did try to take credit for your food. I did how she could be in two places at once, in the kitchen cooking and out here entertaining. She muttered something about how a good cook can delegate. And I said, oh so April is in the kitchen cooking. She had several excuses, "April's just tending." I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. She changed tactics "My meals don't need me there 100% of the time." I coughed *bullshit* So she narrowed it down to, "Well yes I'm just supervising her. April needs to learn to cook to become a good wife someday." I leveled my brightest smile at her and said, "April is a excellent cook. We must all be sure to congratulate her on her efforts." If Ms. Patterson ground her teeth any harder they may have broke. "We also must congratulate Mrs. Patterson, she's an excellent teacher." I find flattery goes far in soothing bruised egos. Mrs. Patterson accepted congratulations all around saying, "I do my best to be a good mother, even though I do work full time."

    I must say I wasn't impressed with Mike's writing. I did tell him that he could use some, oh let's say, cleaning up and he said in a rather puffed up tone, "Well Ms. Starr I am an editor and..." I have to admit all I heard after that was, "Blah blah blah". After he finished with his tirade I patted the simple little boy on the head and moved on to Anthony.

    I was surprised to learn how young Anthony actually is. I initially thought he was at least 20 years older than myself. He spoke about his dear sweet Liz and how he wished that he hadn't sold out and married Therese, that even though men didn't have backup gays, he tried to have one and it failed miserably. He says he is delicate and needs a nice woman to take care of him. I wish I could have given him some words of advice, but my feelings are that this man is a lost cause. His wife has my deepest sympathy. I know how hard it is to be with a man who is obsessed with another.

    Merry and Robin are lovely children. They are quite well behaved, despite their mother's insistent that they are terrible wretches. Dee is a little more care worn than a woman her age should be. She made it apparent that though she is married to Michael, she operates as a single parent. I gave her my heart felt sympathy then made the mistake of stating, "So Michael was your back up gay?" Dee flushed a deep, deep shade of crimson. She scooped Robin out of my arms and walked away without so much as two words. I fear I must have hit the truth a tad too hard.

    John asked me several questions about my teeth and which dentist I was seeing. He offered me a free check up. I thanked him and told him that it wouldn't be necessary.

    Jim, Iris and I were able to swap some war stories. Jim asked me if he and I hadn't met before. I couldn't recall that we had. Iris was a little stony with me. She wanted to know why my hair was orange. I told her it was red and she said, "Looks orange to me."

    All other guests were kind. Jim introduced Duncan to me as Duncan Hines, which I thought was rather strange.

    Now we are at Becky's house. Her family is quite colorful. I'll fill you in on my experiences later, in fact I'm curious as to what happened to Howard as we were seperated early on in our visit.

    Love,
    Brenda

     
  • At 8:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ms. starr, the funniest thing abt my mom being a gr8 teacher 2 me is i learned almost all my cooking fr. the lessons we had @ school last yr & fr. cooking shows & cookbooks. fr. mom i learned how 2 make sum scaree casseroles u nev. want 2 try!

    but it was a gd move on yr part 2 lay on the praise like that. my mom luvs that stuff.

    well, i just finished cleaning up the dishes & everything. time 2 relax!

    apes

     
  • At 9:58 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky,

    I saw that Brenda Starr posted about what happened to her at April’s party. Please tell her I am sorry for my inattentiveness. I got caught in a conversation with April’s dad and Duncan’s dad and a mysterious thing happened. Out of the blue I started talking about model trains and train sets like I knew what I was talking about. I got the shivers and thought I was sick, but I couldn’t get my mouth to stop talking. You won’t believe this but, even though Brenda Starr (oh my god) was in the room, the 2 dads were suddenly and completely riveted to every word I was saying. Iris and Jim came over and looked at me rattling on about HO trains and the like. Iris whispered (I say whispered but I could hear her plainly) to Jim and they both started beaming. “Oh April’s got herself a catch there. He’ll fit right into the family. And he likes to do music just for the fun of it.” Well April’s dad John heard them talking and started asking me all these questions about model trains, as if to test me for worthiness to belong in the family, and all this knowledge starts spewing out of my mouth from nowhere. After awhile, John starts nodding his head and saying, “This is definitely the one for April. We can just skip over the straight guy.” And then I still couldn’t stop. Finally, Brenda came over to me and swung her purse at my head (the purse I now realize had a gun in it. Ouch!) and that stopped me. After I recovered she said, “Howard. Something is definitely wrong in Milborough. I’m going to make a call and then we need to go to Becky’s house.” So, she went to make her call and we left.

    We took a diversion on the way to your house and we stopped by this black car parked on the side of the road. Brenda got out and said, “Stay here Howard. I’ll be right back.” So then she comes back with this black case and places it in her purse, which was rather large, by the by. Then from there we are off to your house. The whole way, Brenda’s pumping me with questions about back-up gays and my choo-choo train tirade and I told her the story about all the other times, when I have become mysteriously possessed with knowledge or habits that I never had before.

    When we got to your house, Becky, I was so happy to show off Brenda to all the gay men in the room. Brenda, on the other hand, was asking me who of the men there were gay or straight. I told them, as best I knew; since there were a lot of people there I didn’t know. So there was this “7 minutes in heaven” game going on, and Brenda suddenly announced that she wanted to play that game with whoever wanted to play. I was astounded by this and asked Brenda if she was sure she wanted to do that. She assured me that it was necessary. So, one by one, men would go into the closet with Brenda, and each one would leave in about a minute complaining that Brenda was too rough. Even Becky’s dad came out complaining, and he’s a pretty tough guy. Then Brenda motioned to me that it was my turn. So I went in there and she says to me, “Make some moaning sounds Howard.” So I started moaning. Then Brenda said, “Not so loud. I have something I need to say to you.” So I was quieter. Then Brenda said, “I got blood and tissue samples from all the men here. I have a friend that’s going to examine them, to see what is going on with the Milborough gays and straights. I’m going to leave here, tell the guys outside that you were too good for me, and I need to take a rest. Meet me outside in 15 minutes.” So, she leaves and does just that. As I leave the closet, there is a round of applause from all the guys there, and I get a little embarrassed. So, I head outside, and look for a place to sit. There was one car sitting outside running and the door opened. I got into it and decided that I could wait there for Brenda. Well I must have been really tired from not getting any rest for 2 nights in a row, so I fell asleep. The next thing you know, I wake up and someone is driving the car. I looked into the front seat and it was your dad Thorvald.” He saw me and said, “Dammit Howard. What are you doing here? I am trying to make my escape.” Anyway, Thorvald and I had a little talk about how it was incredibly stupid to escape from jail, when he had such light charges against him, but Thorvald is pigheaded about such things. Sorry, Becky, but I think he wants to get caught so he can get more jail time. The last time I was in jail, it was evident that he has really taken to jail life. Anyway, Thorvald dropped me off in Burlington and I need someone to pick me up. I am just off the main street outside a place called Sobinski’s Hardware. Sorry to be such a bother. Can you tell Brenda what happened to me, please?

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 10:25 PM, Anonymous Brenda Starr said…

    Howard Honey,

    I read your post. I'm having a car sent for you. Sit tight. I should have never left you alone. I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind coming back to my place. If you do just tell the driver to take you home. I'll understand. But we do have some things to discuss.

    Loves and kisses,
    Brenda

     
  • At 11:59 PM, Blogger howard said…

    Brenda,

    Oh my god, you called me honey. The car picked me up and I should be arriving at your place soon.

    Toodles,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     
  • At 1:38 AM, Blogger howard said…

    April,

    I am over at Brenda Starr’s place now. You would not believe how sumptuously appointed this place is. I even got to meet her dog Patch, which actually does have an eye patch over its left eye. Brenda is letting me post from her place. We had a very intense conversation and she told me things that I am finding very hard if not impossible to believe, even if the source is Brenda Starr. As I write this statement, I am amazed that I wrote that last statement.

    I called home and retrieved 2 messages from the phone. The first was a message from Tracey Mayes reminding me that I am to meet her tomorrow at Mayes Midtown Motors at 8 am, so she can show me the restaurant, where she would like me to work. Brenda says that I should definitely keep that appointment and she is hinting that it would be useful to her if I take the job. She won’t give me any more details than that. God, she is so mysterious and alluring. I don’t know if I am falling in love or if it is just childish infatuation with a gay icon. I have a hard time thinking straight around Brenda, or I should say, “I have a hard time thinking gay.”

    The second message was from my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville. You may remember back on August 24, they showed me an old copy of “The Clarion Weekly” published back in June, and showed me this column in the paper called “Edgewise.” The title of the column was “The Evil Downstairs Neighbors Whose Name Rhymes with Kelpbroth.” And the author of the column is your brother Mike. Well, I guess your brother took a vacation or something from writing his column recently, so “The Clarion Weekly” reprinted the same article in its latest edition. My aunt said that they were holding onto this article to use as a trump card in order to meet their contract to drive their upstairs neighbors out of the apartment, just in case their continuous practical joking didn’t work. Well, the time may be right to play the trump. They heard their upstairs neighbours talking about the article in the Clarion, like it had just been printed for the first time. That was confusing to them, because the upstairs neighbour has a regular column in “The Clarion Weekly” and it doesn’t take 3 months for them to be published after they’ve been written. Otherwise they would lose their timeliness. My aunt Winnie said my uncle Melville got so excited when he heard the neighbours talking, his cigar dropped out of his mouth. Anyway, my aunt and uncle have some terrible mischief planned and it will probably come into play at Merrie’s birthday party tomorrow. I won’t be there, but you will have to let me know how it turns out, since you will be.

    Anyway, Brenda says she has some tantric massage moves she wants to teach me. I think I am going to be sleeping like a baby tonight, an oversexed baby, but a baby nevertheless compared to Brenda. Another night with Brenda Starr. I am so lucky I could pinch myself.

    Ouch,
    Howard Kelpfroth

     

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