April's Real Blog: Dad's Little Story

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Dad's Little Story

I think Mom's looooong, boring story inspired Dad to tell me a little story of his own. He sed he thought of it cuz Mike an' Dee are coming over 2day w/Merrie & Robin. Apparently, they stopped by unannounced recently. I think it was on a weekend day when I was out w/my friends. NEway, Dad was all touched & stuff cuz Mike offered Dad 2 help & raked the leaves w/out being asked. Dad got all misty-eyed & told me, "It took 29 yrs, but my good parenting has paid off!" I sed, "Yeah, sure, whatev, Dad, but I've got a lot of work 2 do still 2 get ready 4 our Thanksgiving dinner." & Dad's all, "Oh, rite. Well if U need me I'll be communing w/my trainz." Me: "Yeah, duh."

So, big day 2day. Besides me, Mom, & Dad, Mike, Dee, Merrie & Robin, Grandpa Jim & Iris, & the Andersons*, we've got Brenda Starr & Howard stopping by. My mom is way excited abt having Ms. Starr in our house. Though I'd already cleaned the house thoroughly yesterday, Mom woke me up xtra early 2day & made me clean it again! I did lots of the cooking already yesterday, so 2day I've got the stuff I need 2 make fresh. Oh, and in addition to the main menu Mom chose, plus the additional desserts Mom asked for, I also have 2 make sum mini-quiches & other hors-d'oeuvres cuz Ma thought what we had planned wasn't fancy enuf 4 the likes of Brenda Starr.

Better get back 2 the grind, folks. Our guests are prolly gonna start arriving around noonish.

Apes, cooking

*Sorry I accidently left U & yr 'rents off when I 1st posted 2day, Dunc. My mom was @ my door yelling @ me 2 get my arse downstairs & get back 2 work on the Tgiving prep, so I was a bit stressed!

26 Comments:

At 8:51 AM, April Patterson said…

howard, wow, i read yr post w/yr question abt tracey mayes & feel like this is a big, big responsibility u r giving me. i'm a little nervous abt having so much riding on what i have 2 say, but i'll do my best.

i've really just dealt w/tracey as her babysitter. she never stiffed me or nething, & she gave me 50 bux when i sat 4 them on new yr's eve. that was a big score 4 me. also, she alwayz has gd snacks in the fridge & tells me 2 help myself 2 whatev i want. that's important when u babysit. u get bored & hungry & don't wanna have 2 worry that the peeps u r sitting 4 r gonna count every cookie & yogurt container or memorize how much ice cream they had b4 u arrived so they can give u a hard time 4 having sum.

let's c, what else? well, they have satellite tv w/every imaginable channel, & i mean every. & tracey's alwayz like, "watch whatev u want once the kidz r asleep. u nev have 2 worry that i'll tell yr mom or dad what u have been watching." so that part's pretty cube.

but that's much all i can tell u abt dealing w/tracey. i just babysit.

apes
At 9:59 AM, howard said…

April,

Thank you so much for the information about Tracey Mayes. You are a good friend, and I knew you would tell me the truth. I think I will go to check out her restaurant on Monday. After all, it couldn't hurt just to see what she has. It doesn't mean I have to accept the job or anything.

I will see you this afternoon for Thanksgiving along with Brenda Starr. Oh my god. I'm going with Brenda Starr. Oh my god. By the by, please remember that Duncan and his family are coming to Thanksgiving too. I hope that when Duncan was meeting with Kimmi LaSalle yesterday, he was also giving her an invite. But I don't know. You'll have to ask Duncan.

Oh, I have your stuffings and will bring them along with me, since I don't trust your mom not to eat them, if I bring them over early. Is there anything else you need?

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:05 AM, April Patterson said…

oops, i can't believe i left dunc & his 'rents off of the list! sorry 'bout that, dunc, i'm gonna go edit the entry after i post this comment. boy, am i embarrassed.

no need 2 bring nething else, howard. the stuffings r already a big, giant help.

apes

p.s. i'm glad i was able 2 be helpful by telling u abt mrs. mayes.
At 11:16 AM, Anonymous said…

No prob, Apes, evrything is so confusing 2day. I dont no if yr mom told u what happened last nite.

I met Kimmi @ Horny Tims 2 tell her that I thot it would B better 4 her if we broke up 'cos she keeps getting in2 trouble 'cos of me an' I dont want her 2 pursue a life of crime an' weve run outta places 2 go 4 r private rainbow party NEway. Kimmi started 2 cry an' I didnt no what 2 do so I went and bot her a Hawaiian dip an' a double double.

I had just sat down again when yr mom came in an' bot a family pack of Tim Balls. 10 secs aft she finished scarfing them down, she Cs me an' Kimmi an' starts yelling @ Kimmi, I told u 2 stay away fr Duncan, u roadside gig, Duncan should B w/ a nice girl, not the daughter of that guardrail Genevieve Lasalle. Then Kimmi goes 2 me, so Duncan u r rilly breaking up w/ me 'cos Im not good enuf 4 u, I hope u enjoy ****ing the goats on yr grans goat farm 'cos thats all the action u r ever going 2 get. An' then Kimmi mashed the Hawaiian dip in my face an' poured her double double on my lap.

I dont remember the next part 2 well 'cos man the double double rilly hurt. Luggie came in an' arrested Kimmi 4 assaulting me. Yr mom called my mom an' I could hear my mom yelling thru the phone, Elly take him 2 the hospital, I may B a nurse but a 14yo boy isnt going 2 let his mother look, I dont care if Michael would let u look, take Duncan 2 the hospital. Yr mom an' Keesha Grant an' I got in2 the 'Asse an' yr mom kept saying, Duncan honey try not 2 get the donut sprinkles and coffee on the upholstery of my car.

Yr mom left aft my 'rents got there. Dr. Schlanger says Ive got 1st degree burns down there an' prescribed sum antibiotic ointment an' sum Tylenol 3s. Dr. S. says I cant take gym 4 2 weeks but I dont have gym this semester NEway. I asked him if I could play bass an' he said I dunno, mayB if u dont overdo it, stop if it hurts. Keesha was sitting w/ my 'rents when I got out an' she says shell come over 2 c me 2morrow.

Got 2 go. C u soon.

p.s. Kimmi, I dont think u can read this in the Mboro Youth Detention Centre, but Im sorry 2 say that Ill hafta sue u when I turn 18. MayB its best if u go 2 that school. U will prolly B happier in Ottawa, NEway, 'cos Mrs. P. wont B there 2 watch u all the time.

p.p.s. I cant figure out when Keesah came in2 Horny Tims. I didnt c her b4 I was assaulted.
At 11:28 AM, April Patterson said…

wow, dunc, what a nite u had! my mom, all she sed was, "oh, i saw duncan last nite @ tim horton's & then i had 2 give him a ride." i don't know y she spared the deets.

so, i'll c u soon, eh?

apes
At 12:03 PM, Anonymous said…

hey, april. and dunc, if u r reading here. so guess what? i herd that kimmi's probly gonna hafta spend the rest of the semester @ the youth detention centre. then next semester, her 'rents r shipping her off 2 that catholic military reform school!

keesh
At 1:45 PM, April Patterson said…

ok, so i can do a quick update & then i need 2 get back 2 the festivities.

gramps & iris were the 1st 2 arrive. they got here early at abt quarter to 12. gramps sed sumthin' abt how if u r old & on a fixed income it's more imp. than ev. 2 b punctual. yeh, i have no idea what he meanz by that, but i've found it's best just 2 smile & nod. iris sumhow got past my mom's security & in2 the kitch 2 c is she cd help me, but really everything was pretty well dun by then. iris told me she inspected gramps b4 they left home 2 make sure he didn't smuggle ne contraband dixie food. she also told him, "i swear 2 god, jim richards, if u give that dog nething 2 give her the runny poops i m gonna rub yr nose in it & swat u w/a newspaper." & i think she meant it, peeps!

so then mom discovered the breech in kitchen security & chased out iris, saying, "out, out, out, i've been working like a slave in here, & it's off limits!" so, yeah.

dunc & his fam got here abt half an hour l8r. they brought sum chocolates, so my mom was, like, "i luv u!" dunc's dad immed. went 2 go play choo-choos w/my dad, who alwayz has time 4 that. my mom & dunc's moms put their heads 2gether & started whispering. i only caught "keesha" and "much better" and "thank god" b4 my mom sed, "go get those hors-d'oeuvres ready, april! c if dunc wants sum mini-quiches!"

so dunc & i were munchin' the lil quiches when mike, dee, & the kids arrived @ abt 1 o'clock. they were both going on & on abt how hard it is 2 get ready 2 go newhere w/a 3yo & an 11-mo-old, & gramps was, like, "well, @ least u r still young & healthy" & they got in2 a bit of a pissing contest until i distracted them w/food.

robin's @ that stage where he's starting 2 walk, but mostly he cruises by holding on2 furniture. & my mom, of course, does nuthin' 2 babyproof this place, so dunc & i had 2 make a special barrier @ the staircase by using a doggie gate. & we stuck duct tape over the unused outlets 2 keep the kiddles fr. electrocuting themselves.

merrie ran up 2 me & sed, "toys! toys!" cuz she knows i still have toys fr. when i was younger. so i went & got sum dolls & blocks 4 her 2 play w/& dee sed, "u know, it's nice that u r letting merrie play w/thos toys, but material things r nothing like the value of spending time 2gether." then she looked @ my ma all anxious, like, "isn't that rite, elly?" & my mom, w/her smug look, is all, "that's rite, dee, u r learning." when my mom was out of earshot, dee was like, "toys rock! u have ne stuffed animals robin can borrow?" so i went & got an old teddy & an old doggie of mine.

oh, wait, there's a bit of a commotion going on, let me c what it is. . . .

ok, i'm back. oh. my. god. u have no idea what happened. anthony just walked in, uninvited, w/baby françoise. he's all, "thérèse is away on another business seminar. she doesn't care abt me, the little one, thanksgiving, or nething other than that blasted career!" my mom's like, "there, there, anthony, let me help u w/françoise. look @ u. @ yr next hi-school reunion, u will knock the socks off of those jocks." & anth is like, "do u mean the footballers & hockeyheads r gonna fall in luv w/me? cuz if i swung that way, i think i'd look much younger. like lawrence." & mom's all, "no, never mind."

well, that's it 4 now. i'll post another update when i have the chance.

apes
At 2:36 PM, Anonymous said…

omigod, u know who's at my house rite now? shannon lake, her bro blair, & her 'rents. neway, i had no idea the lakes were coming over. shannon was really pissed @ me cuz some1 who read my comment about her taking a drag off esther ford's ciggie totally told her mom & now she's on punishment. i told her i didn't know she'd get in trouble, i was surprised, cuz mrs. patterson's alwayz sayin' "that nice special needs girl" is so pure & good. u'd think shannon nevr even goes #2. so i explained all that & shannon sed she 4gave me. she sed i'm lucky she's so mature & has such a strong sense of humour. she also told me she's in a bad mood cuz her mom made her wear a dress & she had 2 hurry 2 get ready 2day. she made a pissy face when my mom put "la boheme" on the cd player. sez "i h8 opera." then when i told her we're having broccoli w/our meal, she made gagging sounds.

well, i'd better go. shannon's standing behind me sayin' "i like 2 go online", so i guess that's a hint she wants 2 use my pootr.

keesh
At 2:47 PM, April Patterson said…

ok, so brenda starr & howard got here abt 20 mins ago. brenda's wearing a shiny, sparkly lookin' outfit & her hair looks all glossy. i've gotta ask her what kinda conditioner she uses. howard keeps whispering "oh my god" under his breath and sort of patting ms. star's shoulder like he wants 2 make sure ov. & ov. that she's real. all the guyz here are, like, being magnetically drawn 2 ms. starr. dad's like, "let me refresh yr drink & tell u all abt trains. & teeth." mr. anderson's like, "let me refresh your plate. & tell u abt trains & jazz." gpa jim is all, "let me tell u abt when i was in the war. i'm a WAR HERO, u know. & i'm in a band. want me 2 sign yr arse?" mike's fallin' all ov. himself & actually reading aloud fr. columns he's written. that's making me cringe. & dunc's rapping! i don't know what it is w/the males of our species. oh, & i had 2 lock edgar in the garage cuz he was tryin' 2 hump her leg. & dixie got all jellus. she's in the garage now, 2, cuz now she doesn't trust eddie 2 b alone. lol.

well, i'd better get ready 2 serve the main meal. . . .

apes
At 2:50 PM, April Patterson said…

oh, 4got 2 mention, anth's getting in on the b.starr drooling 2. he keeps saying "lemme tell u abt how my evil career-woman wife doesn't luv me or understand me & doesn't wanna b w/our little 1, françoise." i must say, ms. starr seems 2 b taking this all in stride. i guess she's used 2 this.

apes
At 2:53 PM, Anonymous said…

Dearest Howard,

I am posting covertly. Shhhh. I can't really talk to you right now, but I have been reading this blog and have been lectured on the need to have a back up gay.

I must say that this practice is most disturbing. I have known and loved many people who call themselves gay. They are not blank peices to be shoved in where other peices of the puzzle are missing. They are people with wants, loves and feelings of their own.

I am going to try to find the doctor of each of the elder women in this down then finagle a visit to their physicians myself. There must be some kind of pollution or corruption going on causing the straight men of this town to age so suddenly. I fear this could be used as a weapon in the furture to subdue humanity!

And Howard, if you are reading. I hope you don't mind if I've talked or if I do talk to Tracey and Gordon Mayes at some point in the past or future. And Honey, you really should zip your fly.

Lovingly,
Brenda
At 2:55 PM, Anonymous said…

P.S.

You should have seen the look on Dee Patterson's face when I asked her if Mike was her backup!
At 3:26 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear Duncan,

Don't worry about your penis. Dr. Schlanger is a miracle worker. He will fix it up like new again.

We're done having dinner here, so I'm going over to Becky's house. The goings-on sound quite fascinating, and I bet no one will notice me there anyway. Besides, I saw all the pies and the cinnamon ice cream. We only got tofu turkey and sugar-free "pumpkin sorbet" at my house because Mom is still on a diet.

Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 5:00 PM, howard said…

Becky,

Wow. It sounds like you have a lot of things going on at your Thanksgiving. When I get there, I will help you deal with that gun and anything else that needs helping. We just finished the main meal at April’s Thanksgiving and I managed to sneak out just long enough to get in this post. By the by, the food was great. April is a really good cook. I didn’t realize how good until today.

I managed to get my stuffing past the Elly security, because when I came in with Brenda Starr, everyone in the room was distracted by her overwhelming glamour, including Elly Patterson. Oh my god, I am here with Brenda Starr. I can hardly believe it.

Duncan is here with his parents. He is walking very tenderly after that “accident” he had with Kimmi at Tim Hortons. It is funny to see how delicately Duncan is being treated by Elly and his mom. They are waiting on him hand and foot. By the by, they have been consulting each other about Duncan’s social calendar. Duncan, if you are reading this, I think you have a few parentally-escorted dates with Keesha Grant lined up. At least one of them involves seeing a Bobby Curtola impersonator, so I feel for you.

April’s grandpa Jim has hidden some Havarti on him somewhere to give to Dixie. I can smell the butter aroma. I told Iris about it, but she insists that she inspected him thoroughly. I would like to believe Iris, but I trust my nose even more. Grandpa Jim keeps trying to sneak out to the garage, but every time I see him go, I tell Iris.

Little Robin is a cute kid, little Merrie is darling and baby Françoise is adorable. I sure hope my uncle and aunt give Merrie those herbal collagen treatments for her birthday. She has clearly been receiving collagen lip injections. I love playing with kids, and so we were all having a good time. Then Brenda Starr (oh my god) pulls herself away from her male attention, comes over to me and whispers in my ear, “Howard. Your fly is unzipped.” I zipped. Then she said, “Howard, I didn’t know you liked kids.” I said, “I love children. I always wanted some of my own, but I am afraid my orientation makes that a little difficult.” Then Brenda pulled out pictures of her daughter, Starr Twinkle. She said, “I love my daughter a lot, but I wish she had a good father figure instead of my husband Basil, who is never around.” Then almost every man in the room was suddenly there, talking about how they would be a good father figure to Starr Twinkle and how they would make the arrangements ASAP if Brenda just gave them the word. The mood of the party suddenly changed as estrogen-loaded hatred filled the air. I think I may have to take Brenda out of here very soon, for her own safety.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 5:13 PM, April Patterson said…

well, we've had our big meal, & now every1 is eating desserts &
drinking coffee. i can't go in2 all the deets of what's been going on here cuz my mom's abt 2 notice i'm missing & come lookin' 4 me. so sum quick hilights. . . .

mom was obvs getting peeved that all the men were obsessing ovr brenda starr. 1st they were almost having a fistfite ovr who got 2 b next 2 or @ least across fr her. ms. starr was all, "boys! no need 2 squabble! i'd like 2 have my closest mboro confidant, howard, on my rite, & ms. april patterson on my left. mrs. & dr. patterson shd ea b
@ the heads of the table cuz they r the gracious hosts." iris & i kinda glanced @ ea other & iris rolled her eyes a bit cuz she knew i'd dun all the prep & cooking (xcept 4 yr delish stuffings, howard, & those yummy choccies, dunc). then, ms. starr sed, "across fr. me, i'd like the talented mc dunc." so then the rest of the table filled in. gramps was 2 mom's rite & iris was 2 jim's rite. on the other side,
dee was on the rite side of dad & mike on the left. dee had robin in a hi chair sort of wedged between her & dad, & mike had merrie in a booster seat 2 his left. dunc's dad was next 2 merrie & his mom was next 2 dee. anthony was @ a card table cuz we didn't have a setting 4 him (the perils of being an uninvited guest). little françoise was sleeping in her carseat.

then ma started 2 do a speech abt being thankful, but it was mostly abt how every1 should b thankful abt her, elly patterson. & she also sed it was so sad that liz cdn't be with us, but liz was away being all adventurous and spinsterish. when she sed that bit abt liz, i'm pretty sure ms. starr kicked me under the table. but when i looked ovr @ her, she was acting as if she was just paying really, really close attention 2 what ma was sayin'.

under her breath, ms. starr sed (but w/out taking her eyes off mom, so ne1 who wasn't rite close wdn't know she was even talking), "april, i sense u r the type of girl who likes 2 get 2 the bottom of things. is this true?" & i'm all, "yeah, i guess", & she's like, "good, that will b v. imp l8r." then she sed, "howard & i may disappear and reappear during the course of this gathering. as u know, we r also planning on visiting with the mcguire family, but i can't tell u when exactly that will b & whether or not we will return here after our stop there."

uh-oh, gotta go, ma's calling!

apes
At 5:15 PM, April Patterson said…

p.s. thanx 4 the compliment abt my cooking. also thanx 4 siccing iris on gramps. i have a lock on the garage door & only i know the combo, but i'm also gonna work on getting that stinkarse cheese away fr. him.

apes
At 5:25 PM, April Patterson said…

sorry, becks, i didn't c that post until after i sent mine thru. soundz crayzee, yo. & thanx 4 not mackin' on my bf.

apes
At 6:12 PM, April Patterson said…

well, it turns out that howard was rite abt gramps havin' havarti cheese hidden on him. we were all sitting in the living rm having our desserts & coffees when merrie came ov 2 gramps & was like, snf, snf, snf. snf, snf. then she's all, "gr8grampa! cheese! merrie want!" gramps sez, "i don't have ne cheese! & besidez, it's 4 dixie!" iris goes, "4 heaven sakes, jim, u promised!" & he's all, "fingers crossed, woman!" then, merrie starts crying, & iris sez, "give her sum cheese"! so he sighs & pulls a money belt out fr. under his shirt & it's got abt five 1-lb havarti blocks. he starts 2 give sum 2 merrie & the moment he starts that, robin cruises over 2 him & goes "ah-ah-ah" pointing 2 his mouth. so gramps feeds sum cheese 2 robin 2. pretty soon, merrie & robin have ea had a pound apiece & dee notices & says, "mr. richards, r u nuts!" . . . .

uh-oh, gotta fly!

apes
At 7:07 PM, April Patterson said…

omg, becks, soundz like all h*ll is breakin' loose there. my house has been pretty boring in comparison, but get this--i heard a sort of moaning sound coming fr. lizzie's room. so i quietly opened the door & i found anthony in there, running his fingers through sum of liz's old bras that she left behind. he was going, "oh, liz, my dear, lost liz." when he saw me, he was like, "april, u just don't understand love", & i sed, "that's not love, creepo, it's deviance" (we've been learning abt "deviance" in school.) he just sorta busted out crying & i pushed him outta there.

michael had 2 give merrie a bath cuz she soiled herself after having 2 much cheese. he kept cursing under his breath & fuming like bathing his kid is, like, the worst thing ev. i found sum of my old toddler clothes up in the attic 4 merrie 2 change in2. o, & robin soiled himself, 2, but that's not such a big deal since he's still in diapers. otoh, dee was pissed abt gramps giving robin dairy cuz she wasn't planning on introducing dairy till he was 1yo in case he's allergic.

well, gotta go. i just hear iris yelling, "jim, i told u not 2 eat the rest of that cheese!"

apes
At 7:32 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear Becky,

Thank you for having me over for Canadian Thanksgiving. This has been the best party I have ever attended!

Sincerely yours, Gerald
At 8:01 PM, Anonymous said…

Dear April,

Now that we have left your house, I thought I would apprise you of events both you and Howard missed.

I must add to Howard's compliments on your cooking April. You are a superb cook and quite an accomplished young lady. I hope that you and I will be able sit down and talk when there isn't so much distraction.

Your mother, Elly did try to take credit for your food. I did how she could be in two places at once, in the kitchen cooking and out here entertaining. She muttered something about how a good cook can delegate. And I said, oh so April is in the kitchen cooking. She had several excuses, "April's just tending." I raised my eyebrows in disbelief. She changed tactics "My meals don't need me there 100% of the time." I coughed *bullshit* So she narrowed it down to, "Well yes I'm just supervising her. April needs to learn to cook to become a good wife someday." I leveled my brightest smile at her and said, "April is a excellent cook. We must all be sure to congratulate her on her efforts." If Ms. Patterson ground her teeth any harder they may have broke. "We also must congratulate Mrs. Patterson, she's an excellent teacher." I find flattery goes far in soothing bruised egos. Mrs. Patterson accepted congratulations all around saying, "I do my best to be a good mother, even though I do work full time."

I must say I wasn't impressed with Mike's writing. I did tell him that he could use some, oh let's say, cleaning up and he said in a rather puffed up tone, "Well Ms. Starr I am an editor and..." I have to admit all I heard after that was, "Blah blah blah". After he finished with his tirade I patted the simple little boy on the head and moved on to Anthony.

I was surprised to learn how young Anthony actually is. I initially thought he was at least 20 years older than myself. He spoke about his dear sweet Liz and how he wished that he hadn't sold out and married Therese, that even though men didn't have backup gays, he tried to have one and it failed miserably. He says he is delicate and needs a nice woman to take care of him. I wish I could have given him some words of advice, but my feelings are that this man is a lost cause. His wife has my deepest sympathy. I know how hard it is to be with a man who is obsessed with another.

Merry and Robin are lovely children. They are quite well behaved, despite their mother's insistent that they are terrible wretches. Dee is a little more care worn than a woman her age should be. She made it apparent that though she is married to Michael, she operates as a single parent. I gave her my heart felt sympathy then made the mistake of stating, "So Michael was your back up gay?" Dee flushed a deep, deep shade of crimson. She scooped Robin out of my arms and walked away without so much as two words. I fear I must have hit the truth a tad too hard.

John asked me several questions about my teeth and which dentist I was seeing. He offered me a free check up. I thanked him and told him that it wouldn't be necessary.

Jim, Iris and I were able to swap some war stories. Jim asked me if he and I hadn't met before. I couldn't recall that we had. Iris was a little stony with me. She wanted to know why my hair was orange. I told her it was red and she said, "Looks orange to me."

All other guests were kind. Jim introduced Duncan to me as Duncan Hines, which I thought was rather strange.

Now we are at Becky's house. Her family is quite colorful. I'll fill you in on my experiences later, in fact I'm curious as to what happened to Howard as we were seperated early on in our visit.

Love,
Brenda
At 8:53 PM, April Patterson said…

ms. starr, the funniest thing abt my mom being a gr8 teacher 2 me is i learned almost all my cooking fr. the lessons we had @ school last yr & fr. cooking shows & cookbooks. fr. mom i learned how 2 make sum scaree casseroles u nev. want 2 try!

but it was a gd move on yr part 2 lay on the praise like that. my mom luvs that stuff.

well, i just finished cleaning up the dishes & everything. time 2 relax!

apes
At 9:58 PM, howard said…

Becky,

I saw that Brenda Starr posted about what happened to her at April’s party. Please tell her I am sorry for my inattentiveness. I got caught in a conversation with April’s dad and Duncan’s dad and a mysterious thing happened. Out of the blue I started talking about model trains and train sets like I knew what I was talking about. I got the shivers and thought I was sick, but I couldn’t get my mouth to stop talking. You won’t believe this but, even though Brenda Starr (oh my god) was in the room, the 2 dads were suddenly and completely riveted to every word I was saying. Iris and Jim came over and looked at me rattling on about HO trains and the like. Iris whispered (I say whispered but I could hear her plainly) to Jim and they both started beaming. “Oh April’s got herself a catch there. He’ll fit right into the family. And he likes to do music just for the fun of it.” Well April’s dad John heard them talking and started asking me all these questions about model trains, as if to test me for worthiness to belong in the family, and all this knowledge starts spewing out of my mouth from nowhere. After awhile, John starts nodding his head and saying, “This is definitely the one for April. We can just skip over the straight guy.” And then I still couldn’t stop. Finally, Brenda came over to me and swung her purse at my head (the purse I now realize had a gun in it. Ouch!) and that stopped me. After I recovered she said, “Howard. Something is definitely wrong in Milborough. I’m going to make a call and then we need to go to Becky’s house.” So, she went to make her call and we left.

We took a diversion on the way to your house and we stopped by this black car parked on the side of the road. Brenda got out and said, “Stay here Howard. I’ll be right back.” So then she comes back with this black case and places it in her purse, which was rather large, by the by. Then from there we are off to your house. The whole way, Brenda’s pumping me with questions about back-up gays and my choo-choo train tirade and I told her the story about all the other times, when I have become mysteriously possessed with knowledge or habits that I never had before.

When we got to your house, Becky, I was so happy to show off Brenda to all the gay men in the room. Brenda, on the other hand, was asking me who of the men there were gay or straight. I told them, as best I knew; since there were a lot of people there I didn’t know. So there was this “7 minutes in heaven” game going on, and Brenda suddenly announced that she wanted to play that game with whoever wanted to play. I was astounded by this and asked Brenda if she was sure she wanted to do that. She assured me that it was necessary. So, one by one, men would go into the closet with Brenda, and each one would leave in about a minute complaining that Brenda was too rough. Even Becky’s dad came out complaining, and he’s a pretty tough guy. Then Brenda motioned to me that it was my turn. So I went in there and she says to me, “Make some moaning sounds Howard.” So I started moaning. Then Brenda said, “Not so loud. I have something I need to say to you.” So I was quieter. Then Brenda said, “I got blood and tissue samples from all the men here. I have a friend that’s going to examine them, to see what is going on with the Milborough gays and straights. I’m going to leave here, tell the guys outside that you were too good for me, and I need to take a rest. Meet me outside in 15 minutes.” So, she leaves and does just that. As I leave the closet, there is a round of applause from all the guys there, and I get a little embarrassed. So, I head outside, and look for a place to sit. There was one car sitting outside running and the door opened. I got into it and decided that I could wait there for Brenda. Well I must have been really tired from not getting any rest for 2 nights in a row, so I fell asleep. The next thing you know, I wake up and someone is driving the car. I looked into the front seat and it was your dad Thorvald.” He saw me and said, “Dammit Howard. What are you doing here? I am trying to make my escape.” Anyway, Thorvald and I had a little talk about how it was incredibly stupid to escape from jail, when he had such light charges against him, but Thorvald is pigheaded about such things. Sorry, Becky, but I think he wants to get caught so he can get more jail time. The last time I was in jail, it was evident that he has really taken to jail life. Anyway, Thorvald dropped me off in Burlington and I need someone to pick me up. I am just off the main street outside a place called Sobinski’s Hardware. Sorry to be such a bother. Can you tell Brenda what happened to me, please?

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 10:25 PM, Anonymous said…

Howard Honey,

I read your post. I'm having a car sent for you. Sit tight. I should have never left you alone. I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind coming back to my place. If you do just tell the driver to take you home. I'll understand. But we do have some things to discuss.

Loves and kisses,
Brenda
At 11:59 PM, howard said…

Brenda,

Oh my god, you called me honey. The car picked me up and I should be arriving at your place soon.

Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 1:38 AM, howard said…

April,

I am over at Brenda Starr’s place now. You would not believe how sumptuously appointed this place is. I even got to meet her dog Patch, which actually does have an eye patch over its left eye. Brenda is letting me post from her place. We had a very intense conversation and she told me things that I am finding very hard if not impossible to believe, even if the source is Brenda Starr. As I write this statement, I am amazed that I wrote that last statement.

I called home and retrieved 2 messages from the phone. The first was a message from Tracey Mayes reminding me that I am to meet her tomorrow at Mayes Midtown Motors at 8 am, so she can show me the restaurant, where she would like me to work. Brenda says that I should definitely keep that appointment and she is hinting that it would be useful to her if I take the job. She won’t give me any more details than that. God, she is so mysterious and alluring. I don’t know if I am falling in love or if it is just childish infatuation with a gay icon. I have a hard time thinking straight around Brenda, or I should say, “I have a hard time thinking gay.”

The second message was from my aunt Winnie and uncle Melville. You may remember back on August 24, they showed me an old copy of “The Clarion Weekly” published back in June, and showed me this column in the paper called “Edgewise.” The title of the column was “The Evil Downstairs Neighbors Whose Name Rhymes with Kelpbroth.” And the author of the column is your brother Mike. Well, I guess your brother took a vacation or something from writing his column recently, so “The Clarion Weekly” reprinted the same article in its latest edition. My aunt said that they were holding onto this article to use as a trump card in order to meet their contract to drive their upstairs neighbors out of the apartment, just in case their continuous practical joking didn’t work. Well, the time may be right to play the trump. They heard their upstairs neighbours talking about the article in the Clarion, like it had just been printed for the first time. That was confusing to them, because the upstairs neighbour has a regular column in “The Clarion Weekly” and it doesn’t take 3 months for them to be published after they’ve been written. Otherwise they would lose their timeliness. My aunt Winnie said my uncle Melville got so excited when he heard the neighbours talking, his cigar dropped out of his mouth. Anyway, my aunt and uncle have some terrible mischief planned and it will probably come into play at Merrie’s birthday party tomorrow. I won’t be there, but you will have to let me know how it turns out, since you will be.

Anyway, Brenda says she has some tantric massage moves she wants to teach me. I think I am going to be sleeping like a baby tonight, an oversexed baby, but a baby nevertheless compared to Brenda. Another night with Brenda Starr. I am so lucky I could pinch myself.

Ouch,
Howard Kelpfroth

April's Real Blog

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Dad's Little Story

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