April's Real Blog

Monday, October 03, 2005

It's all about the shopping, yo!

Oh. My. God. So Mom lks slike she's settling in 4 another week of her snoozeworthy story. Y, God? Y? I know I can B a drama queen & all, but really I'm not that bad, am I? It's not like I club baby seals or trip ol' ladiez who R trying 2 cross the street, y'know?

So Dad was quizzing me on my vocab flashcards when Mom settled in 4 her next boring installment. Dad tried. He did. He sed, "Elly, April has an important vocab quiz 2day. I think we'd better focus on that instead of the next minute that happened on powwow day." Mom kinda rolled her eyes @ him & sed she was educating us. Tho this next bit was abt how there were booths selling stuff & how Mom got this "intense & passionate feeling" about B-ing able 2 shop. She obvs expected sum big reaction fr. us, but we just looked @ each other for 30 seconds w/out saying NEthing, shrugged, & went back 2 the vocab. Mom huffed & sed she was going 2 stop @ the bake shop on the way 2 the store. Yeah, like way 2 make 2day diff, eh, Mom?

Becks txted me this morning, cuz she wants an emergency quiz session B4 we have our English class. She's stressed cuz her mom used up so much of her time that she woulda been using 2 study. & the embarrassment abt that "tennis game" w/her mom's new bf fr. the health dept doesn't help. So I'm gonna C if I can find her now.



  • At 9:07 AM, Anonymous Marjee Mahaha said…

    Dude! April, your mom was in the salon this morning. We're having a special--free cut and style if you get highlights. So when your mom came in, I asked her if she was interested in that. She acted like that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. "No, no, of course not. It's my bun, nicenativgirl. I just can't get it tight enough. I want it nice and tight and proper, like the way Becky's nice music teacher wears it." I had to step on one toe w/my other foot to stop from laughing and I went ahead and made her bun tight, tight, tight. She kept saying "tighter" till it was so tight she could barely blink. Then she was happy. Next stop was gonna be Becky's mom's bake shop.


  • At 9:44 AM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    that keesha grant girl was totally making i's @ my dunky-wunky in french class! back off, u skank!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 9:47 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, ger totally 4got how 2 "conjuguer le verbe être". ger, what is it about u & french class?


  • At 9:57 AM, Blogger howard said…


    This morning I made Becky some eggs benedict for breakfast and she ate it while I was quizzing her on vocabulary. Then I took her to school. I went by Krystle’s Kakes and Pies, figuring she was there to open the shop and to give her a piece of my mind. Well she wasn’t there, so I called her at home and no one answered. So I called her cell phone number and she picked it up. I said, “Where are you? The shop wasn’t opened.” And she said, “I’m over at my boyfriend’s house. We’re playing a little game of Steffi Graf and Andre Agassi at the U.S. Open. I left Becky at the bakery for you to take to school. Did you do that?” I said yes, but protested that I still had one week left at the Milborough Seniors’ Living Palace and I was supposed to work for her during the evening, not the morning. She said, “Well Howard, you’re already there at the bakery. Just stay there until I get there.” Well, of course she is still not here and I am beginning to regret my decision to work here.

    Anyway, your mom came in a few minutes ago, and she had her hair bun pulled so tight on her, her nose was sticking straight up in the air. It’s not very pretty seeing the inside of those nostrils believe me. She said, “I am so happy that I finally got my bun as tight as yours, Becky’s nice music teacher. I went to the nice native girl who does hair and she worked her medicine man magic on it. Do you like the way it looks?” I lied and said it was very attractive. I asked her if she was going to have bannock again today and she said yes and asked me if I had any dried meats to go with the bannock. I said no, but I could put some of the meat we use for our breakfast croissants into the bannock. Then she started relating a story of how the sight of bannock and dried meat awoke in her, an intense and passionate feeling. The next thing I know your mom has shoved me against the wall and was kissing me and in between kisses was taking in mouthfuls of bannock and bacon. She was saying, “No one cooks for me like you do. Not April and certainly not John. My feelings have been lying dormant all these years waiting for someone who could satisfy me with pastries, passion and a really tight bun.” While she was assaulting me, her bun fell loose and her nose went from its high-pointed position to its usual floppy-down position and clocked me right across the face knocking me hard to the ground. She shrieked, “The noble natives have failed me. My bun! My bun!” Then she left the bakery, but not before grabbing a sack full of bannock. I think your mom is cracking up. Do you know if tapeworms can cause dementia?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:13 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    yeah, it soundz like my mom's acting screwier than usual. i dunno abt tapewormz & dementia.


  • At 12:05 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Wow Howard! That is the scariest think I've ever heard? Are you ok?

    I'm going to ask Gary if one of the Shamans did do something, tape worms and jokes aside. Mom did make quite a nuisance out of herself at the pow-wow. She interefeared in some pretty sacred rites. It's possible that she's been cursed.

  • At 12:23 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i totally bombed that vocab quiz. i couldn't get the hideous image of mom an' rick playing andre an' steffi at the us open (gah!) out of my mind. yeah open like open legs. oh my god i think my mind is permanently warped.

    howie i'm sorry u r stuck working 4 my mom an' getting assaulted by jelly fatterson but pleeze don't quit! i would miss u 2 much.


    p.s.--ger seems 2 b having some issues. i reminded him that he hasn't posted in a couple of days in bio class an' he just started going off on something like "gaul is divided in2 3 parts" an' a bunch of other mumbo jumbo.

  • At 12:29 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friend Becky,

    The Gallic Wars were campaigns in Gaul led by Julius Caesar in his two terms as proconsul of Cisalpine Gaul, Transalpine Gaul, and Illyricum (58 BC-51 BC). Caesar's first campaign was to prevent the Helvetii (who lived N of the Lake of Geneva) from crossing the Roman territory Provincia (Provence) on their way to a new home in SW Gaul. Inspired by Orgetorix, they had started from the Alps northwestward with Caesar in pursuit, but he split their forces as they crossed the Saône, and pursued them to Bibracte, where he defeated them.

    In the same year the Aedui asked Caesar's help against the German Ariovistus, whom Caesar routed. In 57 BC, Caesar pacified Belgica (roughly Belgium). In the winter of the same year an anti-Roman confederacy was formed, and in 56 BC Caesar attacked its leaders, the Veneti, who maintained a fleet in what is now the Gulf of Morbihan, Brittany. He defeated them after building ships of his own.

    In 55 BC, Caesar went to the Low Countries to repel a group of invading Germans and, as a punitive measure, in turn invaded German territory, crossing the Rhine on a bridge he built near Cologne. He then went to Britain on a brief exploring expedition. In 54 BC he invaded Britain and defeated the Britons and their leader Cassivellaunus.

    The following winter the Roman legions were quartered separately because of the scarcity of food, and some Belgian tribes led by Ambiorix raised a revolt. One legion was utterly defeated and another, under Quintus Cicero, was in dire straits when Caesar arrived and routed the rebels. In 53 BC, Caesar put down another Belgian revolt and entered Germany again.

    But the real test came when, in the dead of winter, Caesar, in Italy, learned that all central Gaul had raised a revolt, organized by Vercingetorix. With incredible speed and brilliant tactics, Caesar crossed the Alps and suppressed the Gauls. After 51 BC, Caesar moved around Gaul putting down the last signs of disorder.

    Caesar's Gallic Wars were the theater in which he displayed his abilities, and his organization of the new territory was the seed of modern France. When Caesar became proconsul, he received a wide strip along the Mediterranean beyond the Alps; when he gave up his command, his territory included everything from the Rhine to the Pyrenees, from the Alps to the Atlantic. The prime source of the Gallic Wars is Caesar's own commentaries, De bello Gallico.

    Hardly mumbo-jumbo, my dear.

  • At 12:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i m so sorry 2 hear abt the vocab quiz, becks. i mixed up "prodigious" and "portentous" & got a 90.

    yeh, ger is fixated on the gallic wars now. b glad he didn't recite the latin 2 u like he did 2 me just now: "omnia gallia in tres partes divida est." the heck?

    liz, pls do c what u can find out. ma is whacked, moreso than the usual.


  • At 1:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It has been a hectic morning. Krystle finally arrived and as I was getting ready to leave, your dad, Dr. John Patterson came in the shop and he looked angry. He came right up to me and looked like he was going to hit me, so I braced for the blow. Then he started yelling, “You missed your follow-up appointment! I have to fill the spaces.” and he dragged me into his car, a very nice Bushwhacker. I said to him, “Sorry. I forgot that was today. How did you find me?” He said, “I insert a subcutaneous GPS tracker in all my patients. My wife’s web designer Stephanie showed me how to do it. Now my patients never miss an appointment.” So then we go into his office and the whole way, your father is saying, “Emergency dental procedure here! Make way! Make way!” We passed by his associate Dr. Everett, who said, “Whoa, dude. Emergency dental. That is way cube, man.”

    So, I am sitting in the chair, and just like the last time I was there Dr. Patterson starts talking. “You know, dentistry is a lot like winterizing a house. You pack in the insulation, and seal the hold where the squirrels get in.” I mumbled, “There’s a squirrel in my mouth?” He said, “No Howard. That was just an analogy.”

    “You know sometimes I wish I had been more adventurous and gone into orthodontics. Dental braces are lot like installing a system of wires that will melt the ice when it builds up along the edge of the roof. Or it’s like putting up permanent Christmas lights that you put up on the inside edge of the soffits. They're almost invisible and it feels good to know that you won't have to have braces again for a long time.” I mumbled, “You’re not putting braces in my mouth are you?” He said, “No Howard. That was just an analogy.”

    Then another doctor appeared at the door that I did not recognize. He said, “John. I need to talk to you.” Your dad said, “Ted. I really do not want to have another conversation about your dead mother.” The other doctor, Ted, said, “No this is about your wife.” So your dad gets up, but then comes back. He says, “Don’t just sit there. We have to go talk to Dr. McCauley about my wife.” So then he drags me out of the office following Dr. McCauley saying, “Emergency dental consultation here. Make way! Make way!” We pass by Dr. Everett who says, “Emergency dental consultation. That’s awesome, dude.”

    So we go into Dr. Ted McCauley’s office, which is in the same building that houses Dr. Patterson’s dental practise. Dr. McCauley says to your dad, “Your wife Elly was in here today all distraught. She said that she had been kissing a pastry chef and that something must be wrong with her.” Dr. Patterson said, “Elly kisses every pastry chef she meets. That’s not unusual.” Dr. McCauley continued on, “We did X-rays of her small intestine, and found an adult Dipylidium caninum there.” Dr. Patterson said, “A tapeworm! That would explain her eating habits. She has been eating a lot lately, even for her. How did that get there?” Dr. McCauley said, “That’s what I was hoping you could tell me. This tapeworm is a little unusual. Take a look at this X-ray.” So Dr. McCauley puts up an X-ray and the 2 doctors starting looking at it. Dr. Patterson said, “What is that thing on the tapeworm?” Dr. McCauley said, “It looks like a T-shirt with a logo on it with a beaver, a tree and 3 heart-shaped eagle feathers.” Dr. Patterson said, “That’s very odd. I’ve never seen anything like it.” I said, “I have. That’s the Mtigwaki First Nation Logo.” Dr. Patterson said, “Mtigwaki. I should have known. Elly’s behaviour has been erratic ever since she came back from that place. She’s normally a slow story-teller but she has been excruciatingly and abnormally slow lately. Plus, her eating habits.” Dr. McCauley said, “I gave her an injection to kill the tapeworm, so she should recover in the next few days to a week.”

    Anyway, I just thought I would let you know that your mom should be getting better, and hopefully you will not have to suffer through too many more Mtigwaki pow-wow stories.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:50 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, howard, i hope that will get my mom acting a bit more normal, eh? sorry u had 2 b subjected 2 my dad's weird toothside manner.


  • At 2:26 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    shit howie y didn't u stop them frum giving the shot? mom's bakery needs the business!


  • At 4:44 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You're my bud, but sometimes I worry about your priorities. Anyway, April's mom had already gotten the shot and was gone by the time April's dad and I got to Dr. McCauley's office. Besides, you can't do a business like a bakery and depend on only one customer. It is too financially unstable. If April's mom takes another trip to Mtigwaki or goes on vacation, your mom's shop would go under. I have been working to develop a bigger clientele list than just April's mom, and the only reason I have been going through that effort is for you. You're my bud, and you don't need any financial worries from your mom to distract you from your schoolwork and your music. So don't worry, Krystle's Kakes and Pies has contracts with the Milborough Wedding Planners Association that will keep your mom in business, regardless of the consumption rate of April's mom. Besides, it's better for April's mom to be healthy. If she comes to her senses, maybe she will stop telling April that never-ending Mtigwaki pow-wow story.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 4:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, becks. the reason it took us so long 2 suspect a tapeworm is that my mom's appetite wasn't that much diff than it had been b4. so she shd still b giving yr mom plenty of biz.

    i'm @ the store now & my mom's @ the bakeshop getting more "supplies". moira & beatrice r making sum jokes abt how elly p's "little shift" will b starting soon.

    ger's working @ the megafood rite now, prolly teaching all the customers abt the gallic warz.


  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    well howie it's not like i wuz wishing death on jelly or nething. it's not like that stupid tapeworm hurt her ne. check out her ass in those pics she brought back frum mtigwaki! it looks like a ginormo basketball ass. so it's not like she's not getting vital nutrients or whatever.

    an' say what u want, but u know that half the bakeries in m-boro r sustained solely by jelly fatterson's business. it wuz true b4 the tapeworm, tho, come 2 think of it, so i won't worry 2 much.

    glad u r working on the business end of the bakery cuz mom seems totally obsessed w/ rick. when she wuz baking cupcakes this afternoon, she used them to spell out "i heart rick" in the display case. fortunately jelly came by an' bought them all b4 2 many customers saw it.


  • At 6:04 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I was cleaning up at the Milborough Senior’s Living Palace when your step-grandmother Iris invited me to sample some of her cooking. I went inside their apartment and saw what she had in front of me. I said in a smarmy voice, “Oh you have New York Slice.” And she said, “Shut your mouth. These were invented in Canada on Vancouver Island. They are Nanaimo bars.” I apologized for my intentionally unpatriotic suggestion. I had one and I tried to be polite, but it was obvious she used a lot less sugar and chocolate than I use in my own recipe. It’s probably because both she and Jim are on restricted diets.

    Iris was telling me that she was baking in preparation for a very small pre-Thanksgiving card tournament that they are hosting. I said that sounded like a lot of fun. Then I said, “You wouldn’t, by any chance, know who’s been leaving books in the lobby downstairs. People have been tripping over them.” Iris said, “Oh that. Jim and I have joined a book club to keep us in reading material over the winter. We've been frustrated with trying to get to the library, which is all the way across town. Once we're finished with them, we surreptitiously leave them in the lobby downstairs and they find new homes right away.” I said, “Well, if you count the new home as a trash can, that’s true. Don’t leave books about randomly. It’s a safety hazard.” Iris said, “Well Mr. Snippy. You were a lot nicer when we were your surety.”

    At this point, in walked your mother. Iris spotted her and said, “Oh Elly. It’s so good of you to visit. This is Coward Helpforth, the custodian in our building.” Elly replied and said, “No. This is Roberta Curtolson, Becky McGuire’s nice music teacher.” Thinking fast I said, “Actually, Roberta Curtolson is my stage name. No one would want to hear music by Coward Helpforth.” Elly said, “That’s very sensible. Roberta Curtolson is a much more appealing name to me. I need to talk to you about what happened this morning.” Then she took me away from Iris’ prying ears. Once we were out in the hall, I said, “How did you find me here?” Elly said, “A subcutaneous GPS tracker my web designer Stephanie showed me how to use. I implant one on all my pastry chefs.” This freaked me out. Then Elly said, “I feel awful about what happened to you at work. I never imagined that you would be so attracted to me to actually attack me! But I wanted you to know that I forgive you. I am known for my ability to forgive bad behaviour from my staff. Just make sure to have a double batch of New York Slice ready for me tomorrow. I have a craving for them for some reason.” Then she turned and left and I saw Iris red in the face with anger. She screeched, “First of all it’s Nanaimo bars. Second of all, I cannot believe that Elly would try to steal her own daughter’s back-up gay. Get your car ready, Coward. We’re going shopping.” Iris was so insistent that I couldn’t refuse her, and actually it was kind of fun. Fortunately, some of those old lady styles with flower prints are in fashion for the young ladies today. I just had to steer Iris away from the floor length dresses. I presume that you are about Becky’s size. So, there is a dress with matching shoes and purse heading your way. The card that goes with it however, Iris wrote, and it is not particularly flattering to your mother, but it does have some kind words about you and a lot of mushy stuff supposedly from me. Iris wants to make sure your mother sees it and knows that it is coming from me, and I don’t know what she has in mind about that. She told me she was handling the delivery personally. Anyway, I think you’ll like the dress, even though it is not something you can wear to school.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, it soundz like u've had a really strange day, even stranger than the other strange dayz u've been having l8ly. i'm glad i read yr post cuz it xplains a bizarro thing that just happed. the doorbell rang & my mom opened it thinking mayB it was her pie-of-the-month offering. & there was this weird singing-telegram guy dressed like a big gorilla & holding a package. to the tune of old mcdonald, he sang:

    elly patterson, she's a bitch,
    when she knits, she drops a stitch,
    w/a drop, drop here
    & a drop, drop there,
    here a drop, there a drop,
    everywhere a drop, drop,
    elly patterson, she's a bitch,

    april patterson, little lady,
    has a back-up-gay who isn't shady,
    back up here, back up there,
    here a back, there a back, everywhere a back, back,
    april patterson, little lady,

    a dress & matching purse & shoes,
    w/rosy flowers & pretty blues,
    rosy flowers here, pretty blues there,
    here some flowers, there some blues,
    everywhere flowers & blues

    bite me hard, ol' jelly fat
    have yr muffins w/a big butter pat,
    a muffin here, a butter pat there (etc.)

    fr yr loving back up gay,
    who's not gonna go away,
    not go away here, not go away there (etc.)

    w/luv, u know who (not iris)

    how weird (& badly written) was that? pretty dress, shoes, & purse tho. thanx 4 that part, howard.


  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger howard said…


    A big gorilla, holding a package, and that song. Iris has a wicked sense of humour. I'm glad you like the dress, shoes and purse. What was your mother's reaction?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    my mom was kinda stunned, & didn't really say nething during the singing, even during the insults. then after i opened the package, she kinda pawed the dress, shoes & purse, & was like, "i can't eat these! where's my october pie?" then she sent me in2 the kitchen to bake her something. lol.


  • At 6:56 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Good. I'm glad she didn't investigate too closely. There is a special something for you I put in the purse while Iris wasn't looking. Be sure to hide it from your mother.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, howard, thanx for the baggie of ::whispering::(cheese crackers)::whispering. u know my mom confiscates them as soon as i make 'em myself. lucky 4 me that they'd cooled off enuf that my mom's nose didn't detect them. these r so delish, better'n when i make 'em!


  • At 7:49 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, btw, i just tried on the outfit & it's a perfect fit! it's v. v. cute, 2. u have a gr8 eye, howard! thanx, cuz i know iris's taste, & this is soooo not it (big compliment!).


  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    I just got a weird call from Mike. He says that Iris cannot be trusted because she doesn't like orange. Mike says that orange is a magical color. "It is the color of Autumn, Halloween, rainbows, Florida and Mickey Mouse." He was almost sobbing as he told me this. He then went on to say that Mom is not a bitch, does not drop stitches and has the tightest buns he's ever seen, besides Weeds.


    I am going to do some "investigating" into where that little tape worm may have come from. It may take some time to unravel, but I'll get the culprit.

    Also, the GPS device is in your bottom left molar. Chew on a magnet if you don't want to be found.

  • At 8:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, liz, i knew i didn't have a cavity there the last time dad checked my teeth! so that's what he was doing! thanx 4 the tip abt the magnet.

    yeah, mike is really weird abt. colours. oh & i hope he meanz that weed wears his hair up in a girlygirly bun, cuz i don't wanna think abt the other meaning! whatta freak.

    yeh, liz, let us know what u can find out abt that tapeworm. i'll bet there's quite a story there.


  • At 8:39 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so glad you liked the cheese crackers, although I did use your own recipe to make them. I am also thrilled the outfit fits. I have not ever been clothes-shopping with you, so it was just a guess based on my bud Becky’s size. I think Becky said that you two had traded clothes at some point. Thanks for complimenting my choice, although to be fair I must admit that Iris did approve of the final selection and she was in fact specific that the outfit should not have any orange in it. I didn’t understand that, but that was OK, because orange is not really one of your colours.

    I am at your grandpa Jim’s and Iris’ place now. Iris and I are making date squares, and a cheesecake for her card tournament and I am chewing on a magnet to see if that affects the GPS device your dad put in my bottom left molar (thanks Liz). I wonder where the one is that your mother put on me, though.

    I told Iris you liked the dress and stuff and that it fit, and she was delighted. She was saying, “That will show Elly. She’s always taking away credit from April. April is the one smart enough to get you as her back-up gay and April always has to cook for her mother. Elly’s always insisting the Thanksgiving dinner should be at her place, because she says she’s the best cook. She even rewrote my monthly October letter to say that. It made me so mad. My daughter, Sarah, and her rich doctor husband Adam are both better cooks than Ellie, and Barrie where they live is only an hour and a half drive away. We would go to Barrie for Thanksgiving, if I didn’t feel the need to help April make food for Thanksgiving dinner. And then I have to sit there and watch every year while Elly takes the food out of the oven and claims she did it herself. It’s almost more than I can bear to see the way Elly treats April.” Then she looked at me really seriously and said, “Coward. Promise me that when you and April get married, you’ll do the cooking.” I said to her just as seriously, “In the event that April and I ever get married, then I promise to do the cooking.” Iris got all teary then, and said, “I’m so glad someone is going to be looking after April after Jim and I have passed. Bless you Coward.” Then she put her tongue in a place where a tongue should not be and said, “Gotta make sure that conversion works, for April’s sake.”

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i had no clue that ol' iris is feeling so protective of me. that's actually pretty cube. she's rite abt t-giving. my mom already clipped out a zillion diff. recipes fr. cooking mags & bookmarked a buncha diff cookbooks. she's totally planning on having me workin' in the kitchen all day & hiding it by being all, "no, no, no, the kitchen is off limits to guests! u just make yrself comfortable and let chef elly do all the work!" she'll have a big apron on & everything. she'll even spill sum oil and flour on it 2 convince ppl that she's been toiling away in there. but once she's inside the kitchen, she'll put her feet up, read martha stewart living & bark orders @ me. oh, & i have 2 keep the muffins & lattes coming while i'm also cooking everything. so if iris is able 2 get past the elly security & help me, my day will b soooooo much better!

    i'm sorry 2 hear she did that gross tongue thing 2 u again.


  • At 9:41 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    wow what a krazee day u have had apes! i would have paid big buxx 2 c that gorilla song.

    howie i don't even know what 2 say other then i hope u r still in 1 piece by the time u get out of the seniors palace.

    i have had puter probs all day. what a bummer.


  • At 9:44 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Nobody is a more inspirational leader than Gaius Julius Caesar. Once, when his legions mutinied in Gaul, he took to his horse and remonstrated them. "Citizens!" he said, and the men prostrated themselves before him, and begged that he should kill every tenth man amongst them as fitting punishment for their disloyalty.

    This, of course, is the source of the word "decimate."

    We can all learn from the example of the great Julius Caesar. Apply his lessons to your everyday life, and you will go far.

    Your pal, Gerald

  • At 10:09 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes! Kimmis in court 2morrow so u wont c me 2morrow @ school 'cos Im going w/ her 'cos I no the system. Ill let u no what happens l8r.

  • At 10:12 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    p.s. Spewed already, Ger. U hafta play, man. Come to my place 2morrow an' we will jam. Or r u ready 2 rap?

  • At 10:20 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    p.p.s. Seriously, Ger, if u r rilly in2 that, the geezers @ Mboro Manors would love u. U can put in yr community service hours 4 yr high school diploma fast if u do reading w/ Malcolm hour. My mistake was doing reading w/ Malcolm hour b4 I started high school, so my hours dont count. L8r.

  • At 12:16 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    I am not sure where Mom would have hidden any device on you. She could just be spewing hot gas and using the one Dad implanted.

    So, I called Jesse. Meaning, I walked outside my front door and yelled, "Yo Jesse!" It took about 20 seconds, but there he was, sticking to me like a bad smell. I asked him what he knew about Tapeworms. His eyes sorta glazed over and he said, "Why? The tapeworm must reach a specific stage of development before it can infect a mammal!" I questioned him on his knowlege and he said to ask his aunt. I went over to his Aunt's house. "What has our darling little coyote been up to?" she questioned. I assured her nothing, yet. I asked her about tapeworms. "Oh yeah!" She said, "A few dogs around here have been infected for sometime. Did you know that in order to become infected, the host to be must consume a victim that has been infected?" My eyes widened in horror! "Like a flea for instance," She continued. "flea larvae often hang around the same neighborhood as the worm eggs (the victim's anus). They do not pay close attention to what they eat and innocently consume those nasty tapeworm eggs. They look like sesame seeds." "Like on buns?" I ask. "Yes, but at that point they are unable to infect mammals, so you could eat a whole quarter pounder covered in tape worm eggs and it would be not big deal." She eyed me for a moment then continued, "By the time the flea larve becomes an adult, it is infected. The intended victim ingests the flea, thereby releasing the infected tape worm and badda bing badda boom. Infection!!" "Wow!" I say. "No no it's not easy to infect someone." Jesse's aunt told me. I wasn't sure where else to go in my quest for more information when I was thrown this tidbit. Jesse's aunt tells me that Gary has done quite a bit of study and research on Dipylidium caninum, and if I want to know more I should ask him.

    I plan on asking Gary tomorrow after our weekly meeting. However, I do believe Mom has been infected for much longer than we think. I've learned that tape worms (especially large ones), can cause a rumbly in the tumbly..you know borborygmus.

  • At 1:58 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Sorry about the computer problems. Do you know what is going on with Kimmie going to court? I hadn't heard anything about this before. Does she need us to show up at court to support her?

    By the by, I made up a couple of batches of Nanaimo bars for April's mom and they are cooling in the refrigerator. So, assuming your mom opens the bakery tomorrow, she'll be all ready for Elly.


    Thanks for investigating the tapeworms. Be sure to pass on what you find to Dr. McCauley. Of course, I am interested also in knowing how it was done, just in case I find myself in Mtigwaki again.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:46 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry howie i don't know y kimmi iz going 2 jail. can't say i'm surprised tho that girl iz a skank she prolly got nailed 4 giving some guy a rainbow party in a public place or something. i don't think she iz very good 4 dunc, do u? dunc u should totally drop her u could do way better.

    hey btw i don't know what this new york slice stuff iz could u tell me the recipe?


  • At 3:01 AM, Blogger howard said…


    What about this Keesha Grant? Is she a better match for Duncan than Kimmie?

    Here’s the recipe that was handed down to me. It is pretty similar to the one that Iris’ wrote up in her October monthly letter. If you want to try one, they are in the refrigerator at Krystle’s Kakes and Pies. Since you're still up, I could bring some to your house, if you are interested. Let me know.

    Howard Kelpfroth

    Bottom Layer:
    • 1/2 cup unsalted butter
    • 1/4 cup sugar
    • 4 tablespoons cocoa
    • 1 large egg, beaten
    • 1 3/4 cup graham wafer crumbs
    • 1/2 cup plus 1 tablespoon finely chopped walnuts, crushed
    • 1 cup coconut
    Middle Layer:
    • 1/2 cup unsalted butter
    • 2 tablespoons and 2 teaspoons cream
    • 2 tablespoons vanilla custard powder
    • 2 cups icing sugar
    Top Layer:
    • 4 squares (ounces) semi-sweet chocolate
    • 2 tablespoons unsalted butter
    Bottom Layer: Melt the butter, sugar, and cocoa over boiling water. Add the beaten egg, stirring to thicken. Remove from heat. Combine with the graham wafer crumbs, coconuts, and chopped walnuts. Press into a 9 x 9-inch square pan (ungreased).

    Middle Layer: In a large bowl, mix the butter, cream, custard powder, and icing sugar with an electric mixer.

    Top Layer: Melt the chocolate and butter over boiling water. Cool. When still liquid but starting to solidify, spread over the middle layer. Freeze the Nanaimo Bars for two hours and serve.


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