April's Real Blog

Monday, September 26, 2005

There was something stinky. And a skunk, too.

So Mom is still reminiscing. & now she's backtracked 2 her arrival in Mtigtwodaysaway. WTF? So Vivian had cleaned the apt, but there was a skunk under the porch. Apparently, that creepy, stalkerish little kid Jesse was there 2 pt it out. So, Jesse, did you put that skunk under the porch? & now I'm really confused. I mean, it doesn't sound like NE1 else uses that apt after Lizzie is kicked out 4 the summer. She told us it was come home or find a place 4 just the break time. But Y don't those freaky school peeps just let Liz keep the apt all yr round if they're not using it 4 something else? Is there some "wise native" reason that U can only understand if U know how 2 talk Ojibway? And OMG, I know he's annoying & all, but don't U wonder what's goin' on with Mike, Dee, Merrie, Robin, & their freaky-deaky living sitch?

Well, it's a new school day & Gerald's back fr. the hospital. I can hardly w8 2 just sit around & talk 2 him. No, sit around & listen 2 him talk, cuz I've really missed his voice. Catatonia sux, ppl! NEway, I've gotta go, Dunc's trying 2 get my attention.

Apes out


  • At 8:29 AM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…


    I think your mom might need medication. I was doing some bookeeping for her on Sunday (only 2158 weeks until I'm free and clear of what I owe Gordon for the loss of The Gig!) and gar, all she talks about is Liz and Mitig. While I never mind hearing about Liz (though whether she has bowel movements first thing in the morning or after mid-afternoon coffee is TMI, if you ask me), it's like nobody else has an existence at all.

    Your Mom thinks the First Nations people are the cat's miaow. "Practically Pattersons in every way," she said, about nine times. To hear her tell it, they dance around cleaning and filling refrigerators while whistling "A Spoonfull of Sugar Helps the Medicine Go Down" or kicking up their heels to "Step in Time" while doing Liz's yardwork.

    Scary. I asked her if Liz told her about the crystal meth or problems with school attendance and she called me a racist! "I never expected to hear that kind of filth from you, Anthony. Especially about a people who really know how to treat their betters."

    I slipped one of my mom's diazepams into her latte, which I know I shouldn't have done, but I had work to do and I couldn't stand to hear any more about how hard the noble red people work.


  • At 8:40 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, yeah, anthony, that totally soundz like mom. she doesn't understand that she's being racist 2 in her own elly patterson way. this morning she was like, "april, y can't u b more like that nice jesse mukwa?" & i'm all "u mean b a creepy little stalker kid who skulks around the teachers' houses? i'll go stalk my french teacher this afternoon if u want me 2." & she was like, "no, that's not what i meant, april marian "big mistake" patterson, & u know it. & don't 4get 2 come by the store 2 help me after school 2day." & i'm all "4get? this is the 1st time u mentioned it." & on & on like that. b glad u don't live w/her, anthony! can i have sum of those diazepams, whatev they r?

  • At 8:44 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…


    I suppose I could stay in Mtig all summer, but I really need to make money. There aren't many paying jobs for me to do once school is out.

    Anthony that was most excellent of you to slip Mom some meds. April maybe you can talk Dee into some "free samples" and start slipping them into her breakfast coffee daily. I don't want to be Mom's mini-me. I want to be my own me me me.

    That skunk still stinks. I've talked to Gary about removing it and he mumbled something about not wanting to mess with the natural course of nature and took off. And yes Jesse is here daily. Mooching cookies and playing with Shiimsa. I think he wants me to adopt him.

  • At 9:01 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, do u think jesse mighta stuck that skunk under the porch 4 sum bizarre mini-stalkerish reason?

    i'll try that w/dee but i have a feeling she won't go 4 it. she doesn't mind tinkering w/ppl's rx's 4 her own dee reasonz, but i think she'll b all high horse abt drugging mom.


  • At 11:29 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    diazepam is generic valium an' b4 u say "becky is a druggie" it's just the opposite my mom gets generic valium an' i have 2 hold it 4 her cuz she can't b trusted with it.

    well i m back frum the states an' real glad even tho mom is acting like a total pill, moaning "oh my boobs hurt!" an' "y did i have 2 get them so big?!" an' they r big 2 they look like 2 giant canteloupe got shoved in there. she is gonna have 2 buy all new clothing so i guess i know what she's gonna spend the child support on this month.

    i saw ger already an' he seems good still acting a little slow tho. i m gonna poke him now an' make him post.


  • At 11:31 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    feeling better don't worry about me i have never felt this rested maybe just a little too mellow though i am doing well in school i wrote your punic wars paper for you april also could someone please help me remember to take my prozac at lunch i'm on the proper dosage now thanks for your concern


  • At 1:06 PM, Blogger howard said…


    When Kortney and I took our brief trip to Mtigwaki, we noticed the same sort of reverence of dead animal carcasses as the natural course of nature. The cabin, in which we almost stayed the night, was meticulously clean, but there were dead animals all around it. Kortney and I had to drag off and bury a badger, a black-footed ferret, a coyote, an ermine, a fisher, a least weasel, a brown bat, a long-tailed weasel, a marten, a mink, a raccoon, a striped skunk, a wolverine, a caribou, a black bear, a grizzly bear, a bobcat, a cougar, a fox, a lynx, a moose, a white-tailed deer, a wolf and some other animals that I can't remember, which were decomposing in the nearby vicinity of the cabin. Elizabeth’s apartment was closely located to her school, so I am surprised that the Mtigwakians wouldn’t have more consideration for their children’s health. After that little surprise the Mtigwakians, we gave rides to Toronto, left in Kortney’s car, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything the Mtigwakians do. I don't know how your sister can stand to live there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, ger's really mellow 2day! oh, & ger, it was nice of u 2 wanna help out, but i'm gonna hafta write my own paper. but u got sum really gr8 sources in yr research, so i can totally use those.

    gah, becks, it sux that yr ma's gonna misuse the child support 4 her clothes. but she'll b in the pooper if yr dad decides she has 2 acct 4 her spending.

    howard, liz tries 2 xplain 2 me about the mtig peeps & their wayz, but i guess i don't really get it, either. but she seemz happy up there, so that's cube w/me.


  • At 5:57 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I had an interesting conversation with your grandpa Jim that may explain what I have been doing lately. This is as best as I can remember it:

    Jim: Let’s take a walk Coward. I want to smell the cool, damp soil…I want to see clear pearls of water on the grass, the leaves, the flowers! I want to feel the wind in my hair and the rain in my face!

    Me: It’s not raining, but all right. Mr. Richards, I want to thank you and Iris for becoming my sureties. I was so surprised you would do this for me.

    Jim: Every morning, when I wake up, I’m surprised to discover that I’m still here! And I’m glad – because, no matter how old you are…there’s always something good to look forward to…like seeing our children and grandchildren and especially great grandchildren. Iris and I saw Gerald in the hospital last weekend. He looked like he wasn’t going to make it to his marriageable years before Milborough killed him, plus his doctor kept on calling April his auxiliary girlfriend. April can’t have her gay sitting in jail getting who-knows-what kind of diseases. You may have to step in for Gerald any day now.

    Me: Mr. Richards, you may as well know that April doesn’t plan to stay in Milborough once she gets out of school, so being nice to me for being her backup gay is not necessary.

    Jim: All the youngsters getting ready to go back to school. Teenagers off to face new challenges. Older ones going away to university. These are the people who’ll be taking over from our children, Coward. Soon, they’ll own all the businesses and make all the decisions…and, each generation believes they’ll do a better job of running the world than the last one did! Will they get us out of the mess we’re in? It’s still possible to make the same old mistakes.

    Me: I thought you were still upset with me for messing up your last performance with the New Bentwood Rockers.

    Jim: Every time a live performance screws up, it’s for a different reason! Someone else might have received first prize, but you won the respect and admiration of everyone in the theatre. And that, my beautiful talented gay…is success.

    Me: For me, success was finding a surety and getting out of jail. I thought I was going to grow old in there.

    Jim: It’s the lucky people who get to grow old, Coward. Some folks don’t get this far. But-giving up your youth and your good looks is difficult. You can’t talk about being “old” yet, Coward. You’re still a baby. Look at you-cleaning our bathrooms, scrubbing our floors …you can scour, mop, go out to get food for us…this is the best part of your life! And it’s a small price to pay for us being your surety. Now be a good gay, and carry me up these stairs.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:22 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, howard, i had no idea that gramps was going 2 b yr new surety. but it's gd 2 hear u r out of jail. sorry u had 2 listen 2 his wacked ramblings. he just gets that way. like, all the time.


  • At 6:37 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I had no idea that they were going to be my sureties either. This morning, the guards came to get me for court, and I met my lawyer there with the Richards. My lawyer said that Gerald’s dad was still upset over the blackmail thing and the Milborough Bail Program did not want to take me on, but then the Richards showed up at his office and said they wanted to do it. Iris said that the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace couldn’t find anyone who would take the job to replace me, and that I still needed to detail the cracks around the stove in their apartment. It’s better than sitting in jail for months waiting for my trial, don’t you think?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ooh, that makes me mad that iris is still wanting 2 xploit u like that, but i m glad u r out of jail.


  • At 7:23 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am throwing a little party for myself getting out of jail. If you or Becky or anyone else is interested, I will pick up anyone who cares to come to my apartment, who can't drive. Let me know.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    soundz like fun. when r u having it?


  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Tonight, if anyone is available. Tomorrow, if no one is available. I am in the mood to celebrate.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oopsie, i got this 2 l8. if it's 2morrow, i can only do it if it's an afternoon/early eve thing (cuz school nite). :)


  • At 10:08 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry howie i didn't c ur posts til now i m taking care of mom so i can't come tonite but i can just give her double vicodin 2morrow an' go 2 a party then.

    i m so glad u r out of jail. i hope dad took good care of u.


  • At 2:14 AM, Blogger howard said…

    Becky and April,

    We can definitely have the party tomorrow in the early evening after I get off work. If you have any special foods you like, I am taking requests for supper items.

    I did go out and visit an establishment that cannot be legally visited by 14-year-old girls as an early celebration and some things occurred that I need to tell you about.

    As you know, I am persona non grata in the gay bars, and it is dangerous for me to go unaccompanied by a woman into a straight bar in Milborough. This evening I decided to see if I could go to the straight bar dressed in my full female regalia and avoid a tonguing. I went to the Windsor Hotel. I don’t know if you know it, but it has a bar and a small dance floor. I had just had a few Mojitos, and was pretty convinced I had not been spotted until I heard a voice say, “Howard Kelpfroth. Is that you in that dress?” I covered up that spot on my body where a tongue doesn’t belong, and the voice said, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to tongue you. It didn’t work the last time.” So I look up and see a woman wearing a spandex outfit, who appears to have stuffed a large watermelon over her chest. It is Becky’s mom, Krystle. She says, “Howard, I didn’t know you were so pretty” and she kind of laughed a little and then said, “Ow. Ow. Ow.” And those little stars came out of her watermelon.

    I said to Krystle, “What you are doing here? I thought Becky was taking care of you.” She said, “I snuck out of the house while Becky wasn’t looking. Those pain pills aren’t doing any thing for me after my operation” she said gesturing at her watermelon. “I needed something a little more familiar.” I said, “I thought you weren’t drinking anymore.” She said, “Controlled doses. Controlled doses.” I said, “I think I see your problem and maybe we can fix this without having to resort to alcohol. Your clothes are too tight across your watermelon.” She gave me a strange look and then laughed and then went “Ow. Ow. Ow.” And more stars appeared. I took her back to the ladies room and said, “The outfit I am wearing used to be too big for you, but I think that my brassiere would be just the right size for you now. Also my mini skirt is probably a midi on you.” So we switched clothes and sure enough, the bra that fit my 116-centimetre chest, fit her perfectly. Fortunately for me, her spandex outfit really stretches. So, then I said, “Mrs. McGuire. Let me take you to my apartment. I think I have a number of outfits that will fit you quite well, and you won’t have to resort to using child support money to pay for new clothes.” So we went back to my place and I gave her a lot of my outfits. She looks pretty good in them, and I don’t really have as much a use for that stuff as I once did.

    We went from my apartment back to her house and I dropped her off. Becky, you were asleep by then, so I was trying to leave without waking you up. Your mother said, “Howard. I know you haven’t gotten any loving in awhile, so how about we get together. I could really use some help relaxing from the pain.” I told her that I spent the last several days in jail and had gotten more loving than I could handle, but that if she had a feather I could show her some techniques some of my lesbian friends taught me. After she was relaxed and asleep, I went home. It’s late now, but Becky, if you see all those new clothes of your mom’s, now you know where they came from.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:44 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg i think i need 2 go bleach my brain! i did NOT need 2 hear abt u an' my mom having some kind of depraved sex!!

    becks <---creeped out

    p.s.--am still glad my bud is out of jail tho just promise me u won't do it with my mom nemore.

  • At 9:06 AM, Blogger howard said…


    "Depraved sex!!" I looked back at that post and I realized with shock how it must have appeared to you. Please pardon my poor writing.

    I didn't "do it" with your mom. Feather massage is a mixture of European and traditional ayurvedic massage. It is very relaxing, but it is not sexual. I can show you the technique sometime, if you don't believe me. Your mom was in such pain, she needed something to relax that didn't put a lot of pressure on her sensitive skin, like most massages do.

    I hope you're not mad at me for spending time with your mom. Are you still coming to my apartment for supper?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 10:10 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yeah i'm coming i told u we were still buds! i guess i don't care if u r friends with my mom so long as i can still complain 2 u abt her an' u will take my side. also don't start having sex w/ her cuz she gets way krazee with guys when she does that i m warning u.

    sorry it just sounded like u were doing kinky sex things.

    sorry if i hurt ur feelings i don't want 2 make my bud mad.



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