April's Real Blog

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Mom's a living personals ad!

OMG. This morning, Mom told us what she said abt Liz 2 those cops: "Elizabeth is 24, adventuresome. . . A few years ago, she decided she wanted 2 teach up north. I don't know how she manages 2 keep track of several grades in 1 classroom, but she loves the challenge. She enjoys the outdoors and the lifestyle. She's alwayz been some1 who likes simple thingz."

Yeah, mom, and she likes romantic candlelit dinners, long walks by the beach, and cuddling by a roaring fire on a cold nite. WTF R U doing? So NEway, the chick-cop made a lame joke that the guy-cop shd look up Liz, cuz, y'know, she's in2 "simple thingz". Ooh, burn, Otter County copper-girl.

So Ger is still out of school 2day, but @ least he gets 2 go home & rest there. I'm not gonna C him till 2morrow morning, when he returns 2 school. Dr. Schlanger told Ger it wd B 2 dangerous 4 me 2 visit.




  • At 10:38 AM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    Ohmygod Apes, I think ur mom posted an ad w/what she said 2 the police 4 Liz n Yahoo! Personals an' Canadian Friend Finder...the words were pretty much the same! I hope Liz gave her lots of bogus info....lol

    An' me an' Marjee just got tickets 2 see Audioslave at the Centre....we bought u a ticket if u wanna go. Chris Cornell is hott, an' they're not all politcal like Rage Against the Machine was!

  • At 11:07 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, vicks, thanx 4 letting us know abt those personals! liz, u will have 2 get ma 2 cancel those.

    audioslave? kewl! i'll have 2 ask my 'rents, but thankfully it's a fri. nite. mayB mike & dee will let us crash @ their place after the concert. tho we have 2 b all quiet, else their neighbours throw a shizzy fit.


  • At 11:14 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Those are really nice pictures of you on Canadian Friend Finder. Who does your photography? It doesn't look like anything a Mtigwakian would do. And how did you get your cat to stay still for all those shots?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Howard, those photos came from a photo session Mom insisted on. They were done by a close family friend. You might know Weed, he's my brother's...um...best friend. She told me she wanted some updated pictures of family and everyone was going to be doing it eventually. Now we really know what she wanted those pictures for eh?

    As for getting Shiimsa to hold still. Valium. Per Dee, it works wonders for calming cats and small children.

    April. Mom is in full withdrawl mode. It's going to take her a while to clean up her mess though. You should have seen my email inbox this morning though. There were 5 from some guy calling himself, NotAnOldManYet. Sound like someone we know? (Anthony stop calling me during class. I can't get away to talk, even if you are hysterical about the personal ads).

    I've had to do some fancy footwork to get all the filters in order. But here is the scary thing. If Mom can get to the Yahoo personals site as well as the CFF, you better guard your blog. But really she must have a computer savvy accomplice. I wonder who it could be.

    I also saw that patrol car again. Yulanda is coming over and we're cooking dinner tonight. I'll ask her about the guy. Since he's kinda cute in an Eric Chambers sorta way, maybe I'll play woman in distress and flag him down. Should be a good distraction for those lonley Mtig nights.

  • At 12:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    My old girlfriend Beatrice Alfarero used to be pretty good with a computer back when we were dating and now she works for your mom at Lilliput's. Maybe she helped your mom out. I would ask her myself, but it would bring up too much of the past.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mom also gets help from a web designer named stephanie. steph helps her format and "edit" our monthly letters.


  • At 12:39 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    That'd b awesome, Apes! We can get Dee a t-shirt or something if she's n2 the band or the opening act.

    This Steph girl must help ur mom a lot w/puter things. Marjee said she heard from one of her clients who was at Liliputs b4 her haircut that ur mom's idea of posting pictures on the Internet is taping them to the monitor 4 all the world 2 see....lol. I know she wants 2 help Liz, even if she's obsessing about it.

  • At 12:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i will have 2 ask D if she's in2 the groups. i m not sure what kinda music she likes.

    u r so rite abt my mom & computers. she is alwayz complaining about them & saying that telephones & pen & paper r superior wayz 2 communicate. what a fossil!


  • At 1:18 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    We are on red alert here!

    Mom just called me out of class. Said it was an emergency.

    It seems that her full page color spread in the local paper has gone LIVE!

    I'm mortified. Mom said she tried to stop them but it had already gone to print. Keep your eyes out for responsed guys and try to squash them...if you can.

  • At 1:21 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hi sorry i didn't post yet 2day. i m feeling kinda depressed mom is making me go 2 some kind of "encounter workshop" 2day after school. i don't know what that means but she sez it's supposed 2 straighten up "bratty kids like u."

    in other news dr. schlanger called me i guess he's confused now he thinks ger has 2 girlfriends an' that i'm "the main one" since i wuz at the hospital in a bikini the nite ger got maimed by the massage table. he wanted 2 tell me that he gave ger sum antidepressant pills they're supposed 2 make him happy while killing his sex drive so his peepee can heal. yeah that's what dr. schlanger called it. neway he wanted 2 tell me 2 wear unsexy clothing around him an' act all unsexy he suggested burping, farting, an' nose picking. then he sez "tell the auxiliary girlfriend the same thing." like if ger had 2 gfs they would b best pals. that guy is cracked.

    gotta go we're dissecting a fetal pig in biology 2day--totally gross.


  • At 1:39 PM, Blogger howard said…


    There was quite a commotion among the old folk at the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace where I work. There were people carrying around copies of the Milborough Gazette and showing them about. Grandpa Jim ran up to me and said, "Coward. Help me. I need you to get all the copies of today's Milborough Gazette and burn them." I asked him why and he pushed a full page color spread of a girl in a string bikini in front of me. I said, “That’s just a bathing suit advertisement.” Jim said, “Look closer Coward.” Then I realized it was you, with a big letter text that said, “Loveable Liz. Young, adventuresome and available. Loves a guy who is a challenge. Enjoys exploring different lifestyles." And then there was a phone number. So, I have just spent the last few hours stealing newspapers from the apartment residents and putting them in the burn barrel.

    I just thought I would let you know what the ad looks like. You might want to screen your calls for awhile.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:41 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg that's like an ad 4 a hooker!!!

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger howard said…


    The picture of Elizabeth in the advertisement didn’t really look like a stripper. Elizabeth wasn’t in a particularly provocative pose. Plus she wasn’t wearing a stripper kind of bikini. It had orange and green checks, and for some reason, there were some watermelon seeds on Elizabeth’s back.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    gah, liz, dunc just showed me the ad. i think the pic was taken when we went 2 the beach that time. wtf was mom thinking?

    becks, i can't believe that stoopid doc thinx i m the "auxiliary gf". as if i didn't h8 that perv enuf alreadE. hey, & ger, since yr dad doesn't like me NEway, i don't give a flying eff if his old uni bud is offended. go 2 dr. gekwalificeerd, k?

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Well I think I have gotten all the copies of the Milborough Gazette out of the Milborough Seniors' Living Palace. It won't help much for the rest of Milborough, but it calmed your Grandpa Jim down. Iris did keep one copy for her scrapbook.

    You may not like Dr. Schlanger, but he has the right idea to help Gerald heal. You have already tried the unsexy clothing around Gerald, but that didn't work and I doubt burping, farting and nose-picking will work either. I have some old nun outfits that I used when I performed "Dialogues of the Carmelites" by Poulenc. Perhaps you and Becky could wear those around Gerald? Let me know.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:54 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    mmm morfeen wearng of but perkodan + prozak = feal reel good. dr shclngr = god. need c aprl.

  • At 3:02 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i don't need an unsexxxy outfit cuz i don't plan on being around gerald at least not til he heals.

  • At 3:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i guess u r rite abt the doc's treatment (anti-dep's). i m just pissed abt the "aux gf" thing.

    i don't know abt the nun thing. ger & i were once watching an old flying nun eppy & ger thot sally field looked cute in her nun habit.

    i guess i just have 2 stay away until ger is healed.


  • At 3:51 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Darn that Sally Field.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    How did your "Encounter Workshop" go? I hope it wasn’t one of those Angel Encounter Workshops, where they teach you how to talk to your personal angel team. I had to go to some of those when I was in the Training School for Boys. Personally I hope you got to go to a Music Encounter Workshop, but from your description that seems unlikely.

    Since you guys aren’t going to see Gerald at the hospital, I am going to visit. I feel somehow responsible for his situation, and it is highly unlikely that he will get excited in the wrong area with me.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    it's so nice that u will visit ger, howard. dunc dropped off ger's h'work 2day, but he cdn't stay long cuz he had planz w/kimmi.


  • At 7:06 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I just finished visiting with Gerald at the hospital. His parents were there and they were getting ready to take him home. So I helped them pack up his clothes and the get well flowers and cards that he received, except for the one from your Grandpa Jim congratulating him on getting with 2 girls in one weekend, which I discarded.

    Dr. Schlanger had cut down Gerald’s medication, so he was coherent and in reasonably good spirits. Gerald did not remember you visiting yesterday, but he has a recollection of seeing a very attractive farmer in a sack dress made of burlap and a straw hat. I told him that attractive farmer was you. He was glad to hear that.

    He really wants to talk to you, April. The story about him having an injury to that area of his body and coming to the hospital with Becky in a bikini, sticky with foam and Baked Alaska, has started a lot of people talking. When Duncan came by with the homework, he told Gerald about all sorts of rumours going around at school about Becky and him doing kinky things with Baked Alaska on a massage table. You and Becky probably didn’t hear them yourselves, but Gerald said that Duncan said that there were a lot of people asking him what he knew. Apparently when you and Becky had your fake fight about your band the first day of school, a lot of people thought it was real, and so they think that Becky was getting revenge on you by going after Gerald.

    Gerald is afraid of what Becky may have to say about him. I told him that there was nothing bad in Becky’s posts on this Blog, but Gerald has a clear recollection of Becky taunting him with comments about his parts being cut off, when he was caught in the massage table. I told Gerald that Becky was just making jokes to alleviate the tension of the situation, but I don’t think he believed me.

    Anyway, Gerald should be home now and is supposed to be able to go to school tomorrow. By the by, his father mentioned that he had not yet decided on whether or not he should be my surety, but he would make a decision soon. He didn’t want to think about anything but his son’s sexual health for the time being. Dr. Schlanger has recommended that Gerald start seeing a professional sex therapist, since his nocturnal emissions method failed. I suspect that is what Gerald’s father will do.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:44 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 visiting gerald & 4 telling me abt the rumours & stuff, howard. goss @ school gets outta hand, becks can tell u abt that. i don't know what we can do abt it other than mind our own biz & let them move on 2 the next hott rumour, if ykwim. i guess ger & i have lots 2 talk abt 2morrow.


    p.s. i can't believe gramps was soooo tacky!!!

  • At 9:35 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You are an amazingly mature 14-year-old. I know we talk about your mom being a little eccentric, but she and your dad have obviously done a good job raising you. When I was your age, I got upset about every little rumour in school, particularly when one was spread about me, the raisin and the yo-yo. I am quite impressed with you.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:49 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    I am so tired. This has been a really tough day. My phone has been ringing off the hook. I had to disable call waiting. I called the phone company and they are changing my number, but it's going to take time. Even the operator was hitting on me.

    I got a couple of calls from men wanting to do "business" with me. Wanted to know my "rates" for escorting them. They were pretty sleezy so I told them to call and talk to my pimp. Of course I gave them Mom's number and I told them to use a lot of foul language or she wouldn't do business with them.

    Yulanda has had fun with a few of the phone calls and has lined up a few of her old college buddies with dates. At least someone is benefiting from all this I guess.

    Mom says the ad was supposed to run a week but the paper is pulling it and adding a retraction. I don't know how they are going to retract, but they are. Mom said they were going to do something about the wrong pictures being used and that it was supposed to be an ad for a new singles club called the Rose side.

    Candace called me too. Says Eric called Rudy laughing saying that I am a pathetic loser and a frigid bit.. well you know, and he knew why I had to put full color ads in papers to get men. The jerk.

  • At 7:34 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, the stoopid puter ate my reply 2 yr post last nite. i act. learned a lot abt this rumour stuff fr. becks who really went thru hell w/it last school yr. no matter what she tried 2 do 2 get ppl 2 listen 2 the truth, they went on w/their goss. @ least until they moved on 2 how jessica swanlake & roger mexico were caught doin' it @ halftime during a leafs game.

    liz, i can't believe what u r going thru. i hope mom knows she has 2 find a way 2 make this up 2 u!



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