April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Slammer Motel

Over breakfast this morning, Mom was telling Dad some more abt her trip. She sez after she fell asleep by the side of the road, a coupla cops woke her up & said it wasn't safe 2 sleep "roadside", so they'd take her someplace 2 have a good night's sleep & hot breakfast in the morning. Then they pulled in2 "Correctional Services Parking". Hmmm, mayB this whole "trip" story is turning in2 Mom's way of x-plaining how she turned up in the slammer? I wonder if this is what really happened?

Hey, Becks, R U OK? Yr peeps were all thinking U'd write in last nite, so, U know. Worried now.

Aw, Dunc keeps holding up a pic of Kimmi LaSalle (see Kimmi, I learned how U spell it!) & winking. I think he mite B in luv!



  • At 8:27 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Your mom went to a place with a Correctional Services Parking? Maybe she ran into someone I know, while she was there. I will have to inquire around about it. I should know by the end of the week.

    I am concerned about Becky too, but I made a fool of myself the last time she went a long period without posting. I know my bud will post eventually. She may be too exhausted from yesterday’s events to feel inspired to post. The stuff that happened to her in the courtroom would exhaust me too. I am sorry to have contributed so poorly to supporting Becky in her time of need. Maybe I’ll stop over at her house on the way to work today and see if her mom has something to say. Her mom will probably talk to me.

    You will be happy to know that there is no more smell of Havarti in your grandparents’ apartment, except for some in the refrigerator. They wanted me to clean the bathroom, saying that the Havarti had gotten in there when they bathed. After I did that, they declared the apartment to be Havarti-free. Then your grandpa said, “Now Coward. A proper gay suitor for our April would go down to the convenience store and get us some more Havarti.” Iris made a little gagging noise and ran to the bathroom. After I returned with it your grandparents were asleep, so I left it in their refrigerator. If I am lucky, I won’t run into your grandparents today at work, but I doubt I will be lucky.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:07 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I stopped by Becky’s house. After getting the usual tonguing from Becky’s mom, she told me that Becky wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t see her and she might not be in school today. Then she said that if I came over to her house after work, she would make me a home-cooked meal. This made me a little nervous after my experiences with Rhetta and food. I agreed to come over, but only on the condition that I did the cooking. At this point, Becky came into the room wearing her school uniform and hugged me for a really long time. Then she asked her mother if I could take her to school. Her mother didn’t seem happy about it, but agreed. So, I drove Becky to school thinking she was going to tell me what happened, but she was quiet the whole way over. I noticed that her eyes were red and puffy. When we got to the school, I applied some makeup I keep in the car around her eyes so they wouldn’t look as bad. Becky gave me another really long hug, and then went into the school without saying anything. Maybe she will open up to you April. If you see her in school, let me know what you find out.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:40 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hi, howard, i just saw becky in class, but when i tried 2 ask her abt yesterday, our teacher yelled @ me 4 whispering during her lecture. i must say, u did a nice job on becks's makeup. becky does a gd job on her own, but i can tell u have pro exp.

    i m so sorry gramps & iris r using & abusing u. they r alwayz arguing abt whose turn it is 2 clean the bathroom or buy cheese.

    i kept dixie in the garage overnite 2 make xtra sure she was done w/her nuclear havarti poops. don't tell gramps, but i really don't like that dog. eddie's so much cooler.


  • At 10:29 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man. Im so bummed, Apes.

    Kimmi was all excited @ school this am. She said we r having a private rainbow party 2day an' she showed me this big bag of lipsticks an' she asked me 2 pick out my fav colours. I didnt no what 2 say 2 her. I thot Kimmi was in2 me but she must think Im gay or a tranny or something if she wants me 2 put on lipstick 4 a rainbow party.

    So I told Kimmi I feel sick which is true an' I came home. Kimmi says shell come over after school 2 c if Im ok. Which I wont B. Im going 2 bed 4 the rest of the day an' wont B on the 'puter 'cos I dont want my mom 2 send me back 2 school.

    L8r, mayB.

    p.s. My mom said yr mom is coming over this pm 4 a Bajan cooking lesson. I dont want 2 c her either 'cos of that devil worshipping stuff she said 2 Kimmi's mom.

    p.p.s. Shut up abt my lips, Beckers.

  • At 10:39 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    dunc, i think u misunderstood kimmi. i think she prolly wanted u 2 pick out a colour that wd lk pretty on her. she wants 2 lk nice 4 u!

    i dunno abt my ma, dunc, but stacey-margaret bloomstocking's mom called yesterday & she sounded x-actly like my mom. i had 2 do a trip-take 2 make sure that my mom was really standing there & not somewhere else calling. stacey-m's mom asked 2 talk 2 my mom & b4 my mom kicked me out 2 mind my own biz, i heard my mom saying "duncan and kimmi lasalle, huh?"

    ne-way, i'll stop by yr place after school. the nurse sed i have 2 give u the h-work assignments u miss.


  • At 10:53 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    wow, dunc, i wanted u 2 help me find the lipstick that makes me most kissable!!!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 12:26 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hi every1. well i wuz so depressed that i ended up going home after 2nd period. i'm posting this frum under the covers in my bed.

    well yesterday in court after the stuff i posted last time the judge asked me an' mom 2 go in2 his chambers 2 talk well when we got in there i saw he had a pic of himself with his wife an' his daughter on his desk an' i just busted out crying. well he asked me what wuz wrong an' i told him i sed, "i miss my dad an' u put uncle ralph an' aunt mark in jail an' the only male role model i have now is a sexually confused thug for hire who is out on surety so you'll prolly have him in jail again by next week the way my luck is going!" the judge kinda frowned then sed "oh ur talkking about that howard kelpfroth guy" an' i sed yeah, an' he sed, "well he has a very reliable surety i'm sure everything will be fine" an' i sed, "well there r some things u don't know about rhetta blum! she is a man-krazee ol' spinster an' she raped howie at least 3 times trying 2 convert him! i bet he cant' hold out much longer he'll be begging 2 go back 2 jail next week 4 sure!"

    then the judge got a frown on his face an' he sed, "u know little lady i m more sympathetic then i seem. i wuz a gay guy in milboro 1ce myself. i wuz mercilessly hounded 4 years by crazed women. i did things u can't even imagine just 2 try 2 survive. prolly worse then ur howard friend has done--only i never got caught! finally just to make it stop i told this 1 girl that it worked i wuzn't gay nemore an' i wuz in love with her. that person is my wife today. we've been married fifteen years an' there isn't a day that goes by that i don't wish i had just moved away from m-boro. but no, i had 2 stay an' finish my clerkship so i could b a judge." he looked real sad.

    so i figured that wuz my chance an' i sed, "well, mayb u could help my howie!" an' he frowned a bunch an' sed, "well, i will think about it. do u know how i can get in contact with him? " an' so i gave him howie's cell phone number. he sed that if he wanted 2, he could work it out so howie could change his surety without 2 much trouble. all he has 2 do is find a new 1. if u can't find 1 howie, the judge sez he will help u find a good 1. he is real impressed that u r working at the senior palace when i told him he prayed 4 u! he sed, "lord have mercy on that poor boy's soul."

    that's the good news the reason i m so depressed is that uncle ralph an' aunt mark had a big fight in their jail cell last nite an' i guess they broke up. aunt mark is already engaged 2 the guy in the next cell. uncle ralph is all depressed an' he used his 1 phone call 2 call me an' cry. an' aunt mark used his 1 call 2 call me an' ask me 4 advice on what his wedding colors should b an' if it's tacky 4 him 2 wear white the second time around. also dad called me 2 an' cried a bunch saying he wuz sorry 2 let me down but he promised he'd sue 4 custody as soon as he gets out which might actually b b4 christmas. i hope. but it's all got me so bummed out.

    ok well howie let me know if u hear frum the judge. i didn't want 2 say nething in case it doesnt' work out i don't want 2 get ur hopes up but u seem real worried abt what's bugging me so i guess i'll tell u.


  • At 1:14 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am so sorry my bud is depressed. Do I need to call your mother and cancel the dinner at your place tonight? I don’t want to interfere with your home life, if you need time alone. Your mother may have romantic things on her mind, but I was actually planning to spend a little time playing some music with you, to see if that would help you feel better. Plus, you wouldn’t have to cook. Let me know.

    Thanks ever so much for talking to the judge on my behalf. You are so sweet for thinking of me, when you had all that other stuff going on. I haven’t heard from the judge, but my lawyer did call and say he wanted to meet with me. I am going to see him over my lunch break. It could have to do with the judge. I will let you know what he says.

    I am sorry to hear about your uncle Ralph and aunt Mark splitting up. It could be a temporary thing, but it is hard to say. Your aunt Mark is a little bit of a flirt and just between the two of us, he did come onto me the few times I met him, but he wasn’t serious about it. Some guys just like to flirt, when they don’t mean anything by it. I am sure that they’ll be back together once they get out of jail. By the by, white is a very poor color for Mark. It would not look good with his hair color. If he calls again, tell him at least to wear an off-white.

    I hope your dad gets out of jail to sue for custody also. He was very kind to me in jail and I know he loves you very much. My only fear would be that you might have a series of aunts, like you had a series of uncles with your mom. Your dad is pretty fickle in his choice of partners. I would like for my bud to have some stability in her home life, so you can concentrate on your school work and your music.

    I just got a call. The old people had a food fight in the cafeteria with their mashed potatoes and gravy. So I have to go clean it up and then it’s off to the lawyer’s.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:14 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I got back from the lawyer’s. I asked him about the judge and changing the surety, but he said that was not the reason for his calling me in. He said that he would talk to the judge. Do you remember the judge’s name? Also, he said it would help if I had a recommendation for a surety to use instead of Rhetta, preferably someone with a good standing in the community like Rhetta and with no criminal record. He said specifically it should not be anyone with any ties to any of my accusers. Do you have any ideas?

    Anyway, the real reason he asked me in was to inform me that the DEA was now involved with the local police in Operation Navette. Thanks to the information I had given them about the potential goings-on on Gordon Mayes’ boat the Don Ho last weekend, they were able to rescue Anthony Caine from taking a long swim off a short boat. They are in the process of doing some secret operation with Anthony involving floral arrangements, and depending on how that goes, it will determine if I am going to get the plea bargain or not.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:51 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    the the name on the judge's name plate wuz joseph f. crater. i hope he helps u.

    ok well i don't kno wif i can think of a person who hasn't been 2 jail at least 1 time. i'll ask mom. her maiden name is carrington so she's not technically a mcguire so she might know some1 in her family who isn't a jailbird.


  • At 2:53 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear friends,

    My wrist has healed enough to permit me to write one brief missive. Howard, my father is a member of Amnesty International has often served as a surety for people he feels have been wrongfully accused. If you would like, I could ask him to be your surety.

    Sincerely yours, Gerald

  • At 3:00 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That's really nice of you to recommend your father, particularly since the last time we got together I injured you with that spatula. Yes, if you don't mind, please ask your father if he would be my surety. I am not sure how he would feel about it, since I am accused of assaulting your girlfriend's sister. But, if he is willing, I will pass his name off to my lawyer to make the arrangements.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 4:09 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I had another visit with your grandpa, about which you might be interested in hearing. I was picking up the trash in the hall outside your grandpa’s apartment when he opened the door and said, “Coward. Come help me into this back brace.” I told him that I was only supposed to do custodial work, but he said that if I was really April’s gay suitor I would help him. Apparently, Iris normally does this, but she was at the library. As I was helping him into the brace, he was saying, “My back hurts like a *bad word* if I don’t have this brace. But I’m not complaining. I am grateful for the good health I have. Iris normally helps me with this. My eyes have gotten so bad I can’t see in the mirror to put it on myself right. But I’m not complaining. I am grateful for the good health I have. When I try to do it myself, I start having trouble breathing. But I’m not complaining. I am grateful for the good health I have. Sometimes, it makes my heart go too fast and I don’t want to die due to a bad heart when I am just putting on a brace. I have to take pills for my heart every day. But I’m not complaining. I am grateful for the good health I have.”

    After I was done putting him into the back brace, he said, “Coward, why don’t you be a good gay and go to the linen closet. There’s a pillowcase at the back I want you to get for me.” I got the pillowcase. He opened it and took out a pack of Players cigarettes and lit one up. While he was smoking, he took some peanut butter cups out of the pillowcase and started eating them. Then he said, “My sweet pea April got me the candy. I don’t know if I told you or not, but she’s my favorite grandchild. She visits me all the time. You’re very lucky to be her chosen gay. Now put that pillowcase back for me.” I did so. When I got back to your grandpa he had fallen asleep and was mumbling, “Harem of pretty girls, feeding me peanut butter cups, letting me smoke whenever I want.” I took the cigarette out of his mouth, put it out, and left.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 4:19 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    good thing u took that cigarette grandpa jim started 6 fires that way last year. iris knows he has some cigs stashed away but she is secretly hoping he'll burn himself 2 death that's why she keeps all her valuables in her box at the milborough savings an' loan.

    it's amazing what people will tell u when they drink 2 much rum.


  • At 4:25 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, what a weird thing w/my gramps. it's not true abt the p-butter cups, cuz they're so bad 4 him. i bring treats sometymz, but nothing that unhealthy. i guess he thinx that if he sez i bought 'em, it'll make it sound ok that he's eating them. & ew, i'm sorry u had 2 hear 1 of his letchy sleep-talking dreamz. 1x i heard him mumbling sumthin' about how he wanted 2 "undress ursula andress" whoev that is.

    i just got back fr. dunc's. when i got there, he was still hanging out in his bed, but kimmi was sitting by his bed holding his hand. if i'da known she was going there, i'd've given her the h'work assignments 2 give 2 him. oh well, whatevs.

    becky just texted me & asked me 2 come by her house, so i'm off again.


  • At 6:04 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes! Sorry I couldnt talk 2 u when u came over 2day. Heres what happened.

    I called the Mboro LGBTTQ line 2 c if mayB Im gay an' somehow didnt no it. I told the guy on the phone abt Kimmi an' the private rainbow party an' he said, dont u ever watch Oprah, an' laughed @ me. L8r I went 2 the kitchen for some lunch an' yr mom was there 4 her Bajan cooking lesson. Yr mom was all like, how r u Duncan, do u have a fever Duncan, an' she felt my 4head an' looked @ my throat. Im glad she didnt pinch my cheek like she used 2. Then Kimmi came over. She said she couldnt stay @ school 'cos she was worrying abt me 2 much an' she kissed me. I asked her y she was kissing me when she thinks Im gay. She said y do u think that I think u r gay, and I said 'cos u invited me 2 a rainbow party. I thot I was being quiet, but yr mom heard me say rainbow party. She freaked an' started yelling @ Kimmi, saying u r a roadside gig, an' u stay away from Duncan, an' Im going 2 call yr mom but yr mom prolly wont care 'cos she used 2 B a roadside gig 2. Kimmi took off. My mom didnt say nething 4 a minute an' then she said, dont they have rainbow parties on Mboro pride day. Yr mom said 2 my mom, dont u ever watch Oprah, an' then she started whispering 2 my mom. I decided Id better go back 2 bed, but Kimmi was in my room 'cos she was 2 scared 2 go home. Then u came in, Apes. After u left, I helped Kimmi climb out of the window. Im going 2 stay in bed the rest of the night. If u read this Kimmie, Im sorry I was so stupid.

  • At 6:15 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't feel bad, dunc. i didn't know abt rainbow parties & neither did becky. we checked google & now we know. wow, kimmi, have u done this b4?

    my mom tried doing 1 of those recipes when she came home, but she messed it up & dad & i ordered pizza.


  • At 6:17 PM, Anonymous kimmi lasalle said…

    no, apes, i've never been 2 a rainbow party, but i heard dunc was kind of experienced & thot he might expect that kind of thing.

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 6:25 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Oh, man. My mom just came in2 my room w/ my dinner an' told me 2 stay in my room 4 the rest of the night. I can tell that shes rilly mad @ me 'cos she wont even look @ me.

    Im going 2 check google. L8r, mayB.

  • At 6:46 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, dunc, i found this. i wonder if this is real or if this is sumthin' the grownups have made up abt us kids.


  • At 7:14 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I’m over at Becky’s now cooking dinner for her and her mom. I thought you were coming over, but I see from your posts that you had pizza with your dad. I am making pheasant in a maple syrup sauce, with a side of poutine râpée. Dessert is going to be Beaver Tail, also with maple syrup (it was on sale). If you are coming over, I will save some for you. Duncan and Kimmie can come too, if they are not in too much trouble.

    I read the posts about Duncan and the rainbow party. It is interesting what is considered to be popular these days. When I was younger, those parties were all male and went by a different name involving a geometric shape. Of course, I ran with a different kind of crowd than you and Becky, but it is still amazing to me that girls your age would agree to do that stuff.

    Becky seems to be in a much better mood than she was this morning, and I am trying to get information from her about Gerald’s dad, who could replace Rhetta as my surety, if he agrees to do so.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i did come by becky's earlier today. we reviewed our maths & snacked on apple-cinnamon oatmeal bars that i made (& smuggled out while mom was still out). i had 2 go home cuz mom made a big deal abt the special dinner she was gonna make after her lessons @ dunc's house.

    lks like i'm in 4 the nite.


  • At 7:35 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Becky told me that you had already been here, just as I was clicking the Login and Publish button. I'm disappointed, but I made an extra beaver tail for Becky to take to you at school tomorrow. I hope you like beaver tail. Becky and her mom are eating theirs now.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mm, what flavour beaver tail?


  • At 8:08 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Maple syrup with walnut topping. I hope you don't have any nut allergies.

    Becky and I going into the garage to play some music now. Her mother is a little perturbed I am spending time with Becky. I think she has been too long without an uncle.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:20 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    mm, that soundz delish! no nut allergies, so yay!

    gd thing i get 2 have it in school, cuz u know my mom wd gobble it up if it were here rite now!


  • At 8:37 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I have packaged your beaver tail up for Becky to take to you tomorrow. I am so excited. Becky and I just had our first music lesson together.

    First, I vocalized her through her range. Like most young girls who have been singing a lot of pop music, her lower range is pretty well-developed, but her upper range has not been properly exercised. As you may or may not be aware, most female pop singers sing alto and that’s what Becky has been singing. She is actually a mezzo-soprano, which means she can also hit some pretty high notes.

    I worked her through some pop singing styles, some she did not already know. Then she picked out a few songs that she wants to cover for her performances. She has been doing a lot of singing for old people parties, so she wanted to learn a few of the old standards that would have an appeal for them. Becky can tell you more about what songs she chose and why herself.

    She also sang me a new song that she has been working on. She has quite a talent as a composer. Unfortunately, her mother did not agree. She said, “Why aren’t you singing some songs that everybody loves, like Bobby Curtola songs, instead of that trash.”

    To demonstrate the power of music composition to her mother, I said to Becky, “Why don’t we write a song about your mother, Krystal.” We figured out a number of words that rhymed with Krystal, used her keyboard to set up a basic repeated melody and put together a song. It went something like this:

    There’s a girl who’s never dull,
    It’s Krystal.
    Never calls me a numskull,
    It’s Krystal.
    Won’t trade me for a seagull,
    It’s Krystal.
    Never question her morale,
    It’s Krystal.
    Magic I cannot distill,
    It’s Krystal.
    Won’t give me a dismissal
    It’s Krystal.
    When she’s near I don’t bristle,
    It’s Krystal.
    I come when she just whistles,
    It’s Krystal.
    This song is my epistle,
    To Krystal.

    There were other lyrics, but I don’t remember them all. Becky probably will. Her memory is a lot better than mine. Anyway, this had the proper effect on her mother, and she had a much higher opinion of Becky’s composition skills. She went into the kitchen and came back with a bottle of sparkling grape juice and 3 glasses. Then she said, “Let’s make a toast using the crystal to Krystal.” So then we drank the grape juice. It must have been old, because it tasted funny to me. Becky said hers tasted all right, but my palate may be a little better developed than hers.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:26 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Kimmi, if u r reading this can we have r private rainbow party 2morrow aft school?

    MC DunC

    <3 <3 <3

  • At 9:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    we mite have some trouble finding a place 2 do this cuz some1 called my mom an' told her abt my plans. but i have the lipsticks in my locker. we'll pick out colours an' figure out where an' when.

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3

  • At 7:24 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Apes, is that u? Oh, man. Did yr mom go on yr 'puter 2 get Kimmi in trouble?

  • At 7:29 AM, Anonymous Kimmi LaSalle said…

    lol, i wanted 2 c how e-z it wd b 2 spoof apes's account. sorry, apes!

    kiMMi <3 <3 <3


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