April's Real Blog

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Numbers 1 & 2

That whole thing w/number 1 & number 2 sounded sooooooooooo much better in rehearsal. Remind me not 2 go in2 acting (can U imagine my dad's lecture abt how lonely an actor's life is?). After I said that, I looked ov. & noticed Ger behind us, looking--I dunno, scared & hopeful @ the same time. What, Ger, were U hoping Becky & I wd get in2 a catfight or something? BTW, some kid we don't know yelled, "Take your stupid, lame fight outside, ya foobs!" And his friend goes, "Especially U, fountainhead!" Why did I hafta listen 2 Dad when he said my hair looked good like that?!?!?!

In case U didn't see it in the comments 2 yesterday's post, Becks has corrected me abt her dad. She does visit him every oth. weekend. & it's just jail, not prison. Sorry about that boo boo.



  • At 8:33 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Antenna head! ahhaha

  • At 8:39 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz! remind me why patterson women are supposta wear our hair this way?

  • At 9:11 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    it's cuz if u wear ur locks long, flowing an' sexxxy like me, u will turn into a tramp an' a spoiled only child.

    i'm getting madder about this sitch by the day have u talked 2 ur mom yet? this is the lamest plan evah.

    in other news our luxembourg map got us only 4 out of 10 extra credit points cuz ger wuz supposed 2 get the ref maps frum the library an' he got stuff 4 lichtenstein not luxembourg. so we got marked off 5 out of 5 points for accuracy. thanx a lot ger!! fortunately we got 4 out of 5 points on skill an' craftsmanship, which wuz my department. mrs. prescott is thinking abt giving me the 4 points an' giving ger nothing 4 his stupidity.

    so all that time with ger wuz a big ol' waste an' it wuz such a pain in the ass 2. apes i don't know how u put up with him. i wuz tearing my hair out 5 minutes into r time on the project.

    gotta go 1st period is starting.


    ps--howie, let me know when ur court date is i wanna come an' support u.

  • At 9:18 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My tender little tartlet,

    I am devastated by your revelation that while we were in the embrace of our passionate amour, you committed such a vile act of deceit upon me. Why, oh why my love? I am perplexed and befuddled by your recent reticence toward my lustful caresses. We were, as you so eloquently put it, "so together" behind the gym after grad. Since then, however, you have been, as Duncan so charmingly phrased it, "a frigid bitch."

    Please, oh please my love, bestow me once more with your amorous delights. For I have a wicked case of blue balls, and I fear I may require medical intervention if you don't at least give me a handjob soon.

    Sincerely, devotedly, and hopefully your hott love machine forever, Gerald

    P.S.--Forgive me, Becky. Approximately 85% of the blood in my body has pooled in my testicles and has left my brain quite oxygen deprived. I was sure that Mrs. Prescott said "Liechtenstein." Rats!

  • At 9:25 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i sed 2 my mom, "i wanna talk 2 u abt becky" & she sed "not now, nose ruiner!" & gobbled yet another muffin. i will keep trying tho.

    ger, i m not a "frigid bitch" (shut up, dunc). i m just a bit scared & wanna take thingz slow. can't u give yrself a hand job? they sed in health class that this is the safest sexx.


  • At 9:51 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    u know apes i've been trying 2 give up bad carbs an' i almost did it but everytime i hear about ur mom gobbling muffins by the dozen, it makes me want 2 do the same thing, i swear.

    actually it wuz sorta funny when jeremy asked me 2 be my roadie he brought me chocolate chip cookies he baked himself. an' they were really good. ok, so i'm not doing so good on giving up bad carbs after all. ;)

    i think it's just cuz i get my period in 2 days u know how it is with pms. i eat everything that's not nailed down. hey, u know what? ur mom acts like she's got perpetual pms!


  • At 9:57 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My tasty little persimmon,

    I was saving up all my passionate amour for you. Also, our priest says that you can go to hell for fondling one's own genitals. But I decided to take your always-wise advice. So, after first period, I went into the boys' room and decided to relieve myself of all my pent-up amour.

    Unfortunately, a group of lads in Grade 12 heard me thus relieving myself. They proceeded to do unspeakable things to me, and then they gave me a swirlie that went on so long that I passed out.

    I woke up in the nurse's office a few minutes ago. She demanded that I explain to her what I was doing passed out on the boys' room floor, covered in toilet water, and with my member exposed for all and sundry to gaze upon. When I told her the answer, she said, "That isn't the kind of behavior one normally expects from a Patterson," and then she called your mother.

    The nurse went out to confer with the principal, so I'm using her computer to write this. I am truly sorry, my beloved!

    Sincerely and devotedly yours forever, Gerald

  • At 10:02 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, my dad once sed mom has ppms--permanent pms!

    ger, u were supposta w8 until u get home, u freak! thanx 2 u i will prob get in2 trub. don't come ov. after sch. 2day!

  • At 11:03 AM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    But sugarpop, I couldn't wait that long! I keep popping boners right and left! That ugly girl in first period, Jenny Kelly, saw that I had a boner and she hit me over the head with her binder! Mrs. Prescott noticed my boner when we turned in our Luxembourg project, and she and Becky started cracking jokes at my expense! Here's a sample:

    Mrs.P: How do you know when a boy is going out with a Patterson girl?

    Becky: I don't know, how?

    Mrs.P: He gets blue balls so permanent that the P.E. department uses them for the Grade 11 racquetball tournament.

    My darling, please take pity on me!

    Your hott and horny lover forever, Gerald

  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, if mrs. p really made jokes like that, u need 2 report her. that is v. unprofessional!

    if going out w/me is so bad, mayB we shd break up so u can d8 a slut who will keep yr balls nice & clear.


  • At 11:48 AM, Anonymous g said…

    But my precious little kewpie doll, I do not desire a common slut to service me! What I desire is to express my passionate amour to you in the physical form, to make love to you until our souls fuse as one! If that is so wrong, I don't want to be right!

    Deeply and truly yours for eternity, Gerald

    P.S.--I plan to write a strongly worded letter to the administration about Mrs. Prescott's unseemly behavior. She should not be permitted to slander the good name of my beloved!

  • At 11:57 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    aw, ger, u r making me blush again!!!


  • At 12:13 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My lotus flower of love,

    Rendezvous with me in our usual place behind the gymnasium between 4th and 5th period. I long to kiss your perfect, sweet pink lips. I promise not to try to get past first base. OK, second base, tops.

    Sincerely yours in passionate amour, Gerald

  • At 12:14 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    gawd u 2 make me hurl.

  • At 12:31 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i'll c u there, ger, but keep in mind the 2nd-base coach is shakin' his head, yo!


  • At 12:32 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    Mom says hair is evil and it arouses lust in men when it's flowing free. She says it must be restrained, just like our desires must be exterminated. Women should want nothing more than a nice home, 2 children (a boy and a girl and maybe a change of life daughter) and a successful business. Oh and a few blueberry muffins slathered in butter and a mocha latte with the skimmiest of skim milks. And it is a lucky woman who gets to have a marriage and twin beds, like in the 50's. Women who have lots of desires for bedroom bliss, have something direly wrong with them and they need to get on some hormonal repressive therapy. It is a woman's lot in life to continualy squash the desire in men to engage in the lusts of the flesh. They must be trained! Squashed into submission! So quoth our Mother. And with that Mike you have my testimonial on Mom. Happy?

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, that's rite, i 4got i still owe mike my testimonial. "april, yr middle name maybe marian, but your unofficial middle name is still 'nose ruiner'". how's that testimony, michael?

    liz, here's what i don't understand. if keeping my hair up in a fugly bun is supposta keep the male lusties @ bay, y doesn't it work w/ger? he's horny whether my hair is up, down, or sidewayz. this sex stuff sure is confusing!


  • At 1:01 PM, Blogger howard said…

    April, when I get back to Milborough, let me take a look at your hair. Your family may require it to be put up (I remember Elizabeth was particularly obsessed with it. The only time I ever saw her with her hair down was when I “attacked” her and I am sure it was back up in a bun shortly after that.), there are ways to put it up that don’t give you an antenna head, and still keep the boys away. There is a way to twist your hair so that it looks like a pair of scissors cutting at a phallus, which sends the boys a very clear message. Also, be careful around Gerald. That pillow thing was a mistake. You can tell from his posts today, it just got him excited. Remember, you don’t want to end up in the family way, just to keep someone’s testicles the correct colour.

    Becky, I am supposed to meet with Duncan’s lawyer when I get to town and we will go together to the police station so I can be officially arrested. The court date for my bail hearing has to be set within 24 hours of the arrest. I doubt that I will be able to communicate with you in jail, but if you stop by and visit me when you come to see your dad, I could tell you then. Probably the easiest way is for me to have Duncan’s lawyer call you when he finds out the time of the bail hearing. I am so glad to have the support of my bud.

    I am posting from the Minneapolis airport. I am waiting here for a plane connection back to Toronto. Kortney decided not to come with me back to Milborough. When it was time to leave Las Vegas she told me to think of her as a girl who has gone into a coma, who may wake up and come back to me someday, when she is ready. She said that she was going to stop being “Kortney” for a while, and start a search for her true self. I am crying as I am writing this, because I really enjoyed being with Kortney, and I hoped it would go on longer. Sorry. I don’t mean to bring you down. Continue on with your teenage sex and hair talk.

    Coming back,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:25 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh howie i wish u would come back 2 m-boro but wear a disguise an' hide frum the cops. i don't want u 2 have 2 go 2 jail.

    my dad sez 2 tell u not 2 worry abt jail tho. he is "top dog" in there an' he sez he "has the whole place wired." i dunno what that means but i do know he gets a lot of special stuff that most prisoners don't get an' he can get u 1 phone call per day or 10 minutes on the 'puter. i guess he has sum dirt on a guard or something.

    i also think that if kortney makes u happy u should marry her. mayb i've been living in m-boro 2 long an' i caught the "every1 should get married" disease but i would like 2 know that u r with some1 who will be nice 2 u.

    speaking of teenage sex i ran in2 jeremy jones by my locker at lunch i had 2 tell him about the gig that's coming up out at the m-boro lutheran retirement home. well when i got done telling him 2 bring the big amps (old folks have bad hearing), jeremy kissed me! it happened real fast an' then he ran away b4 i could say nething. it wuz so weird. but kinda nice. he's cute. but i don't know i don't want 2 get hurt i m afraid he will do like jeff an' pretend 2 like me 1 day then change his mind after he gets what he wants so i think i will just play it kewl. what do u think apes?

    confused, becks

  • At 1:31 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Dear Rebecca,

    In my humble opinion, you should surrender to Jeremy's passionate amour and perform coitus with him. Then you should come tell us all about it, sparing no detail.

    I told the nurse my problem and she recommended a strict regimen of three self-administered handjobs per day, with an option for more as needed. I told her what my priest said, but she told me she would write me a prescription, and that would make it okay. So I may have this unfortunate boner problem licked. Well, not "licked" exactly--though that would be my preferred cure. But alas, 'tis not to be. At least not until my angel is sixteen.

    So Becky, my point is, I need beat-off material. The nurse said I would probably need to utilize stimulating materials.

    April, I will see you in five minutes in our usual place! I am doing my tongue exercises to limber up.

    Devotedly your passionate lover, Gerald

  • At 1:32 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i def. think u shd play it kewl, becks. u nev. know what's going on w/jeremy jones. i heard him telling bobby rutella that he feels bad 4 u cuz he knows what it's like when yr dad splits. but then he also sed, "& becks is so hott 2! i wanna keep her warm this winter if u know what i mean". then he saw me & sed, "this is none of yr business, lame-o apeface propellor head"!

    howard, i don't want my hair 2 give ne1 nightmares, but if u have some gd ideas, i'd luv 2 c them!

  • At 1:36 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i missed yr post cuz i was posting @ the same x, ger. becks doesn't have 2 go roadside just cuz u need porn. just steal yr dad's magz. u told me u know where he hidez them.

    cya, apes

  • At 1:47 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ger, u r a pig.

    wow apes i'm sorry jeremy sed that 2 u. i don't know what is up with him cuz he's been so nice 2 me ever since he asked 2 b my roadie.

    i guess i will play it kewl 4 now. boys r so confusing! he did kiss nice tho. not like jeff he kept trying 2 stick his tongue in my mouth way far. it wuz kinda romantic. well as romantic as it gets by the lockers after lunch.

    ur hair does kinda look like a propeller-head. sorry. u should totally take howie's help b4 he goes in2 the slammer.

    howie, i would really like ur advice abt the jeremy sitch. i need a guy's perspective.


  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You have definitely caught that romantic bug. I don’t know this Jeremy Jones, but if you like him, that’s good enough for me. Remember, when you are the girl, you are in complete control. That’s the way it was when I played the feminine part in a relationship.

    As for marrying Kortney, I would love to continue my relationship with Kortney too. I think when I ran out of that Chapel of Love in Las Vegas I may have missed my only chance. She was definitely not acting the same with me after that. She said she needed to find herself, but I know she really meant find someone else not as messed up as I am. Now I am starting to get sad again.

    Kortney’s last gift to me was a big stack of money, which she said was my half of her earnings in Las Vegas. When I get to Milborough, I should have enough money for bail and maybe to buy myself a house. If I have all my legal problems settled, and a nice house, then maybe Kortney will think I am not as messed up. I know you want me to wear a disguise and hide from the police, but it is better that I face up to my problems. Besides, Duncan’s lawyer says that if all goes well, the only jail time I will have is one night before the bail hearing. I will definitely try to meet your dad, when I am there.


    Hair styles I know that can drive away boys. These are kind of what the hair looks like:
    1. Scissor cutting phallus – I already told you about
    2. Testicles in a vise
    3. Phallus tied in a knot
    4. Girl restacking dishwasher
    5. Girls laughing, boys silent and lonely
    6. Girl with headache
    7. Girl driving a family van, man in passenger seat
    8. Kelpfroth family double-twisted, back-curled, multi-ponied French braids
    Do any of those sound appealing? Let me know.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:36 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    wow howie sounds like u really luv kortney. that's cube! but stop calling urself messed up cuz ur not. ur just confused an' in a little trouble but u r a really nice guy an' sensitive an' kind an' u have artistic talent. u r a catch.

    also 1 thing i have noticed about u is that u do not play up ur looks at least not when ur dressed like a man. u looked so good in ur old fogey costume not the fogey part but when u had on the 'stashe an' the goatee an' the suit. u looked 30 pounds lighter an' also the facial hair balanced out the "high forehead."

    i think it would be way cube if u just got 2 pay a fine an' then bought a house in m-boro. then we could see each other all the time. there is a cute little 2 bedroom for sale down the street frum my mom's house ok so they had a fire but u would get a real good deal an' i would help u fix it up. an' u could get a dog i always wanted a dog but my mom hates animals. does kortney like dogs? wow u guyz must have won lots of cash.

    i don't know about the romance bug i m not that into jeremy at least not yet. he has 2 stop saying mean things 2 my friends first or i can't really like him u know?

    bye, becks

  • At 3:03 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, the only hairstyle fr. yr list that doesn't remind me of my mom (& there4 scare me) is yr fam's special french braidz. mayB we shd try that.

    becks, u r rite abt my hairdo. i shd nev. try 2 do my hair b4 i've had lots & lots of coffee in the morning.

    i think 4 jeremy, making those comments is like a reflex or sumthin. i don't think he ev. thinx abt it ne-more. & i guess it was pretty obvious that i was listening in, but my ears perk up when i hear peeps gossiping abt u, since we know where that's gone b4. i wuz thinking if they start saying more lies about becks, i'll stop them rite away instead of letting the lies keep going on & on.


  • At 4:20 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i'll ask jeremy y he picks on u apes. i'm actually really curious now. altho i do kinda understand it since ur a patterson an' pattersons have a rep 4 being totally annoying. mayb he figures ur just like the rest of them.

    also, your hair makes u look like kind of a foob. sorry. u should just cut it an' let ur mom freak. or let howie do "testicles in vise" that sounds sweet! i would love 2 see that happen 2 ger. ha ha!

    ok gotta go. i'm meeting jeremy 2 discuss the gig at the retirement home. hey mayb ur grandpa will come!

    l8r, becks

  • At 4:58 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i do want 2 cut my hair, but i keep changing my mind abt the style. i have 2 stop having foob hair 1 of these dayz.

    gd luck @ the gig & let me kno if gramps does nething embarrassing like yelling "encore" or "freebird".


    p.s. i went 2 the store after school & sed, "mom, becky is my friend & i'm allowed 2 have ne1 i want as my friend". she goes, "don't be ridiculous, that spoiled only child hurt yr feelings & u r still mad @ her". me: "don't b stupid, mom, i think i know who i'm mad @ & who i'm not mad @ ne-more". she freaks & sends me home. neway, i'll try again another time.

  • At 5:14 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ok well i met up with jeremy after school at uncle ralph's since that's where i've been storing the used sound equipment i got. i showed everything 2 jeremy an' he actually knows some stuff abt it so that's good i could barely follow what that sound guy at the light opera told me.

    nehow i wuz nervous but i asked him how come he kissed me. then he got all uncomfortable he wuz looking at his shoes an' he finally sed, "well ur cute." that wuz so awesome!! i wuz abt to go kiss him when he sed, "an' ur not friends with that apeshit fatterson foob nemore, so ur kewl." and that wuz so totally awful! i told jeremy that we were still friends an' he sed, "oh" an' didn't say nething 4 awhile but then he sed, "but ur still cute."

    it's still totally cube that he likes me like that but i told him that i can't have a bf who hates my bff cuz that's how it is with apes an' ger an' me right now an' it totally suxx. then jeremy sed, "well i don't hate apeshit i just think she's a ez target u can tell it really bugs her when i call her names." so i told him 2 cut it out cuz that's not cube with me. he sed he would try an' then he kissed me again only this time we kissed for like 10 minutes an' with tongue!! an' he is a totally awesome kisser not like jeff he like slobbered all over my face an' kept grabbing my butt an' boobs but jeremy wuz a lot nicer.

    then when we got done kissing i asked him what that meant we were now an' he sed he didn't know so i sed that 4 now we r just friends who kiss sometimes an' we'll see where it goes cuz i don't want a guy who is always hating on my bff.

    ok so now ur turn how did the rendezvous with ger turn out? was he a total horndog?

    ttfn, becks

  • At 5:19 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My friend Rebecca,

    Since you were so kind as to inquire as to the details of my romantic rendezvous with my everlasting love April, I shall provide them posthaste.

    It wuz totally hawttt!!!

    Unfortunately, my beloved has sworn me to secrecy, so that is the only comment I am allowed to make. Suffice it to say that my little praline and I were carried by our passionate amour to heretofore untold heights of physical ecstasy.

    In other words, the second base coach ruled that I was safe so long as all of my equipment remained above my partner's jersey.


    Sincerely your correspondent, Gerald

  • At 5:20 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Ooops. I guess I spilled the beans.

    Regretfully, Gerald

  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    I can't see Mom letting you cut your hair right now Apes. If you cut it too short it will have to be worn loose and to Mom that's dangerous. Remember Mom things Loose hair = Loose morals.

    And as for Gerald's attentions to you. Of course wearing your hair up is not going to repel male attention! That's only what Mom thinks. I have found the effects to be the opposite. I think having your hair up represents a challenge to them. Getting you to let your hair down and relax makes them think you're going to you know...relax.

  • At 5:23 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    thanx 4 stickin' up 4 me w/jeremy jones. i've also told ger i don't want him 2 say bad thingz about u & he's all "sure, whatever, sweet little honeyblossom full of sugar and rainbows" and sticks his hands in his pockets & pulls 'em away fr. his crotch & shuffles his feet.

    well, ger & i met in our usual place & started 2 make out. ger's a good kisser 2, which u mite not expect fr. how he sumtymz acts other times. so i'm getting in2 this, but then he tries to slide his hand under my shirt. & since it's that uniform shirt which is tucked in2 my skirt that means he totally tries untucking my shirt w/1 hand while shoving the other under & so i just pushed him away & said, "let's go, we'll be late 4 class". then he mumbled something about blue balls & rosy palm & her 5 sisterz, whatev. that means.


  • At 5:26 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    it means he's gonna wank off l8r. man r u sheltered!


  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, ger, i posted my last comment b4 i saw yrs, & yrs is what u want 2 have happened!

    liz i guess i'm not surprised that mom was wrong abt something like that, roflmao!

    remember when u were in high school & got yr cut real short? & then cdn't wait until it grew out? was that so ma couldn't make u wear it up or back?


    p.s. ok becks, i thought so but i wanted 2 make sure!

  • At 5:33 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    No Apes. That's cause it looked stupid.

  • At 5:34 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    If you will recall, my marvelous little marshmallow, after you shoved me, I groped your bosom, at which point you had occasion to knee me in the groin.

    So we have technically gone to second base.

    Satisfied but bruised, Gerald

  • At 5:45 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, ger, that so doesn't count & u know it!

    liz, i kno the crying was b/c u thought the haircut looked stupid. i meant did u get it cut short in the 1st place so u wdn't have 2 wear ponies or bunz nemore?


  • At 5:47 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    yeah liz i saw those pics awhile back an' that short cut with the glasses made u look like a total dog. but then again u an' apes weren't very cute when u were younger.

    which is kinda funny cuz u r kind of a babe now, esp when u wear ur hair down an' wear clothes that aren't way 2 old or baggy 4 u. apes is a lot cuter now 2 so mayb it's a patterson thing. i saw pics of ur mom when she wuz younger an' she wuz kinda foxy. let's just hope u guyz don't get fat an' ugly like her.

    jeremy just called me. he wants 2 take me 2 the movies on friday nite. we r gonna go see "the wedding crashers" i hear it's kinda funny. hey apes mayb we could double date with u an' ger? ger will like the movie i hear there's lots of boobs in it.

    ok let me know, becks

  • At 5:48 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It sounds like things are going great with Jeremy. I can’t wait to meet him. I am back in Milborough at my apartment. I just finished paying off the landlord for my back rent, next month’s rent, and late fees so he would take the locks off the door. The next stop is the lawyer’s office. I thought that I would post while I am here. Thank you for all the compliments. I don’t know if I have ever been complimented on my male appearance before. It was really cube of you to do that. I stopped by the 2 bedroom for sale down the street from your mother’s house, and it is really burnt up on the inside. Kortney did win a lot of money and I could probably pay for it out right, but I thought I might look around a little more to see if I can find a place that doesn’t smell like smoke. By the by, I have no idea if Kortney likes dogs or not. I have really only known her for a couple of weeks, and the subject never came up in that time. I know she is really good at gambling and other things though.

    While I was driving around looking at houses for sale, I passed by April’s house and saw her dad in the front yard, hammering in a For Sale sign. April’s house is really nice, and it would be great to live there. I walked over to him dodging the 2 dogs and the bunny rabbit and said, “Dr. Patterson, you’re putting your house up for sale?” He said, “This house is far too big for us. I want a smaller place with more property for the pets, my garden railway, a shed, a bigger workshop, and a special place for me and April. We are going to move into one of the original homes on the subdivision as soon as the old people who live in it die.” At this point, Elly Patterson came out into the yard and shrieked at John, “What are you doing? We’re not ready to move yet!” John replied calmly, “Chee dear. We already have everything planned. We move into the other house. Mike quits his job at Portrait to work freelance and buys this house. Liz marries Anthony. April goes to university to get her degree in horse-whispering and marries Gerald. I’m just trying to get an early start so it won’t take years. The future is as plain as the nose on your face.” At this point, Elly pulled the For Sale sign out of the ground and ran around after John hitting him on the head with it, while the dogs were barking and chasing him too. So, I guess I’ll keep looking.


    I you want a hairstyle that doesn’t remind you of your mom, and if you can skip past that part about your hair having to scare boys away, I have loads of choices that don’t require any cutting. It was the scaring away the boys’ part that is tricky. It’s hard to have any kind of fashion that will drive a teenage boy away from a pretty teenage girl. Let me know.

    Off to the lawyer’s office,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:49 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    I touched a boobie. It counts.

    Respectfully submitted, Gerald

  • At 5:55 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey howie my mom just sed 2 tell u that our neighbors r planning 2 sell their house in october becuz they r going in the lutheran nursing home. it's a 3 bedroom an' it's a good house but u could prolly get it cheep cuz they have it decorated real ugly inside all brown an' the siding needs replaced. but that's all cosmetic stuff an' u have exxxcellent taste an' i bet remodeling that kind of stuff is rite up ur alley.

    neway i called them an' sed i had a nice friend who wuz looking 2 buy a house an' they sed u could come over an' look at it ne night this week.

    call me. becks

  • At 5:56 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, howard! that story abt my dad & my mom! they r both such freaks. i wuz wondering what that commoshe wuz out my window.

    oh, i don't really want my hair 2 scare away boyz. my mom wants my hair 2 scare away boyz. i was just surprised that i had 2 wear my hair in such a fug way just 4 that when it doesn't even work. but i'd much rather have pretty hair!


    p.s. ger, does not! if it did, that wd mean that gynecologists go to 3rd base w/their patients every time they do a standard exam! so shut up!

  • At 5:57 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…


    I would happily accompany you on your date. I would very much relish the opportunity to observe the romantic and sexual moves of one of my male peers. I am always trying to learn something new.

    Sincerely, Gerald

  • At 6:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, ger, u r going 2 get the kinda rep dunc had this summer!


  • At 6:27 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I hope you guys will have fun on your double date. Please be sure to tell me how it goes.

    I am at the lawyer’s office now. He is in the other room with 2 French ladies and a baby. I can hear him saying things like, “No. Mrs. Caine. For the last time I will not consider my lawyer’s fees a gift for your baby shower. No. I will not consider holding your baby as a compensation for my time.” And the French ladies are saying, “We haff ze pictairs of heem riding ze naked streepair avec ze prophylactic on heez haid.” And the lawyer saying, “That’s worthless. Half the men in Milborough were riding strippers with prophylactics on their head that night.”

    While I am waiting for the lawyer to be done with them, I am posting on his computer. I thought I would have enough money from Kortney’s winnings to make bail, but I was wrong. I am going to have to depend on Rhetta Blum as my surety. As I left my apartment to come here, Gordon’s 2 goons plus 2 other huge guys and a small skinny guy were waiting for me. The small skinny guy said, “Mr. Kelpfroth. You have some accounts to settle with Mr. Mayes and one way or the other they will be settled. There is a sum of money that was removed from Mr. Mayes’ safe, which I believe you took. There are the reparation costs for 'The Gig' that burned down, thanks to your practical joke with the electrical wiring. Plus, there are the amortization fees and the interest.” I said, “Reparation costs? Didn’t you have insurance on the place?” The skinny man said, “Unfortunately not. ‘The Gig’ was only covered by construction insurance and not actual operating insurance. The man responsible for that mistake is going to get the heave-ho off the Don Ho next weekend. A long walk off of a short boat. He will be trying on some heavy swimming shoes. You get my drift?” I said I did. Then I said, “How much do I owe you?” The skinny man told me the amount and I handed over almost all of my money. He counted the money and he looked surprised. Then he said, “Mr. Kelpfroth, you are remarkably well-prepared. I believe this closes our accounts with you. Good day.”

    Sorry Becky, but it looks like I may have to put off my house-hunting until I can raise some more money. When I do get a place, I promise you can keep a dog there.

    From here, the next stop is going to the police station with my lawyer to be arrested and spending the night in jail. If you can, stop by and visit. I will look for your dad, when I get there.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:35 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oh, howard, i 4got 2 mention. after u left, my mom came running in2 my rm & sed, "thanx to U sum1 else just made fun of my NOSE!" then she burst in2 tears & ran out.

    i'm sorry 2 hear what happed w/gordo & the goonz.


  • At 6:39 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh howie, i guess i'm just glad that u r alive an' well.

    ger, we r not gonna make out in front of u. neway, i talked to jeremy an' he sez he wants the date just 2 be us 2. sorry apes.


  • At 6:42 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    no prob, becks. i'm in 4 the nite. ger was just being a perv. sorry, ger, but it's true!


  • At 6:43 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am still here at the lawyer's. The ladies keep trying to force the baby into his hands. Thanks for your concern for me. I am unhappy to have lost the money, but I am happy to not have lost any of my appendages.

    Sorry your mom was crying and blaming it on you for a reason I don't quite understand. The lawyer's coming in now, so I have to go.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:53 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    it's just my mom taking things the wrong way. when my dad sed "the future is as plain as the nose on your face" it wasn't a joke abt my mom having a big, fat nose, but that's the way she took it. & this gets back 2 1 of her fave subjects. that she thinx being preg. w/me gave her a fat nose!


  • At 7:45 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I thought I would not be able to post to you from jail, but here I am. I met your dad, and he really is the “top dog” in here. He got me 10 minutes on the computer, so I am going to have to type fast. Please pardon any spelling or grammatical errors you see.

    I am officially arrested and my bail hearing is tomorrow morning at 8. I know you will be in school then. I know you want to support me, but please do not skip school. Your education is more important.

    My meeting with your dad was a little rocky at first. When I was placed in the jail cell, a guy came over to me and said, “Hi, sweet cheeks. You’re fresh meat, and if you want to get along, you’re going to have to get me long.” I said, “Pardon me. Although you are cute, we’ve not been properly introduced. I don’t like to do things like that with strangers.” He said, “I’m the top dog here. The name’s McGuire, but you can call me top dog, because I like it on top.” I said, “Oh, you must be Becky’s dad. I’ve heard all about you. Becky is my bud.” That startled him and he said, “Who are you?” I told him my name, and he said, “You’re that gay opera guy Becky’s been talking about!” Then he was most profuse in apologizing for his prior demeanor, and said it was all an act to keep up his reputation, and told me that he would make sure that I was properly taken care of. He seems like a really nice guy.

    By the by, your dad said he is paying for you to take voice lessons, and he was wondering if you wouldn’t mind taking them from me. He’s heard the story about the things that happened with your mother's boyfriend Bill, and he wants someone around you to make sure, as he puts it “that bad woman doesn’t bring around any more mean uncles that will hurt my Becky.” Well, he used different words than that, but you get the idea. I am running out of time now. Think about it. If you say no, it won’t hurt my feelings. I prom

  • At 8:19 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    ooh howie that would be way cube!! i m surprised i didn't think of it b4 except mayb cuz u were gonna b in vegas or jail. but if u don't get jail time, that would be totally kewl!!

    i'm surprised dad didn't recognize u frum the time u guyz met in that bar an' he stole ur car. were u wearing a dress then? when u r dressed like a girl i swear u look like a totally diff person. neway i m sure dad will look out 4 u in jail. i know u r tough but my dad is tougher he is 6'5" an' 250 pounds of muscle he used 2 b a professional bodybuilder no 1 messes with him. i hope u ren't in jail long tho.

    it's ok 2 say the mean words dad uses about mom i know all about it. i decided 2 just accept that my parents hate each other's guts an' that has made my life so much ezer.

    don't worry i got mom 2 write me a note so i can skip 1st an' 2nd period tomorrow an' go down 2 court. i told her that dad wuz having another hearing. she lets me go 2 those. jeremy sez he will skip with me 2 so i don't have 2 go alone. also he wants 2 meet u or at least c u. so i will c u there.

    lylas, becks

  • At 1:42 AM, Blogger howard said…


    Here I am at the computer again tonight. This has been one weird evening. This will be a long post, so bear with me.

    I don’t like you missing school on my account, but I am actually glad you will be at my bail hearing tomorrow. I am looking forward to meeting Jeremy.

    I am so glad that you will allow me to teach you voice lessons. Despite my preference for opera, I am not one of those teachers that will force you to study classical forms of music, when you really want to be doing today’s music, unlike some teachers I know. We will work on the type of music that you need to learn for you to be successful at your career. I hope that sounds all right with you.

    As you have guessed, your dad did not recognize me from when we met before because I was in my full female regalia. In fact, I did not recognize him at first either, because when I was at that bar it was dark and I was quite drunk. When we were in the cell, I told him that we had met before, and he got this really puzzled look. So then I pulled my shirt around my head like a wig, and he said, “Oh my God. You’re the cute chick whose car I borrowed.” He couldn’t believe it. I said I did get my car back and asked him if he still thought I was cute. He was really embarrassed and starting apologizing left and right and talking about how he was in a really bad place at that time and so on. Anyway, after that, he opened up about the bad relationships in his life – your mom, the secretary where he used to work, his masseuse, the college cheerleader, the lady who used to clean your house on Fridays, the public librarian, the waitress at the Dine 'n' Dash Diner, the native woman with no teeth, and several more that I cannot remember. I was telling him about my relationships with Bea, Kortney, and Ross; when 3 policemen came to the cell door.

    “Are you Howard Kelpfroth?” one of them asked. I answered yes. He said, “Come with me. The boys and I need to have a talk with you.” I left the cell with the 3 men and your dad looking worried. They led me into a small room with a table, 3 chairs and something that looked like an ice chest on the table. They said, “Mr. Kelpfroth. I understand you were arrested for attacking Elizabeth Patterson?” I said, “That’s correct.” They said, “Have a beer. We have some Molson Canadians in the ice chest.” I said, “What is this about?” One of them said, “We wish we could have been there to see it. You attacked a Patterson. I haven’t gotten to do that since I was in school with Mike Patterson. Ah, those were the salad days.” The other one said, “You are so lucky. The best I got to do was pull Elly Patterson over for speeding once.” I was completely confused. I said, “You like it that I attacked Elizabeth?” One said, “Well you didn’t hurt her. Plus I understand you got to see her hair out of a bun. That must have been sweet.” Another one said, “Mike Patterson once told me that if it weren’t for his positive influence, I would have never stopped being a bully and become a policeman, like I didn’t work to qualify for this job.” Then one said, “I heard Liz say the same thing about Candace Halloran.” Another one said, “We had Kortney Krelbutz for 100 counts of cheque-forging and Elly Patterson talked all 100 people into refusing to press charges. It completely destroyed the case. All because she couldn’t have the shame of one of her employees being a criminal.” Then another said, “And that John Patterson, leaving all those toys of his out where they could easily be vandalized.” As they were commiserating on Patterson stories, I was very happy that they did not mention April.

    After awhile, the topic shifted to another subject. “It was so great when ‘The Gig’ burned down. That place would have really destroyed this community. The firemen said it was because the grounding connections were made with slip knots.” I said, “Bow ties.” They stared at me. “What did you say?” I told them, “I made the grounding connections with bow ties and not slip knots.” They said, “Take another beer, Howard. We didn’t hear a word you said.” Then they said, “I wish we could just find something to nail the owner, Shakleford. He has his hand into everything, but we can never find the guy.” I said, “Gordon Mayes.” They stared at me. “What did you say?” I told them, “Shakleford is a pseudonym for Gordon Mayes.” One of them said, “Gordon Mayes, that can’t be right. I went to school with him. He’s not smart enough to be the godfather of Milborough crime.” I said, “Godmother.” They stared at me. “What did you say?” I told them, “Tracey Mayes is really running the operation.” They said, “Take another beer, Howard. We think a plea bargain is definitely in your future. Now, why don’t we get a piece of paper and you write all this down. The people working Operation Navette are going to be very interested in what you have to say.” So I spent the next hour or 2 writing down my whole sordid story of the last 3 weeks.

    After I was done, they let me have some computer time to write this post to you. I have to go back to the cell now. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow.

    Howard Kelpfroth


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