April's Real Blog

Thursday, September 01, 2005

September Letters

OK, so the September letters from my fam R up, so time 2 make my usual comments on them.

U might be wondering why I wrote that Becky & I haven't talked in months, when obvs we've been in touch thru the whole summer. That's totally my mom's doing. I actually wrote a bunch of other stuff about what Becks has been doing this summer, but my mom decided the "official" version is that Becky & I haven't been talking & that I need a new girl friend. She said it just "looks bad" for a Patterson 2 B best buds w/such an ambitious girl. Oh, and she was totally pissed at Grandpa Jim for writing,
That Becky girl in April's band is very talented. She'll do well for herself, and she seemed like a nice enough kid. Can't expect her to have all the social graces at her age - these things take time to learn. Heck, some people my age haven't even mastered 'em. As soon as she learns to go places without squashing too many toes, she'll be all set. I hope someday April will mend her friendship with Becky - you never know when a singer will need a backup band!
My mom totally tried to make him change it to "That Becky girl in April's band may be pretty, but that will only get her so far, especially since she's a rude, only child." Gramps was all, "Elly, I'm still your father, and you can't make me do anything". Though after nagging him for about three hours, she did get him to add "The most important instrument we have is our voice - and if you don't have a friend to talk to, what good is having talent. It'd be a pretty empty life if you ask me." Other than that, Gramps's letter is a big ZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Sorry, but it's true.

Liz is obviously in a bad mood since so many people have been giving her advice about her "going after" this summer. And the whole Anthony sitch. Plus she's trying 2 B, like, my career counselor:
I'd like April to look through the binder we made up. Professional Musician is among the contents, thanks to Uncle Phil, and so are a number of other jobs April would be good at. She's been talking about horses nonstop lately. Could she end up as a breeder or trainer? It's interesting to think about, anyway.
Mike feels guilty about hiding out in Weed's studio instead of spending time with Dee and the kidz. Good! Can U believe he's considering quitting his job @ Portrait when he & Dee R alwayz complaining about not having enuf $? And it soundz like Dee's being 1 of those "enabler" types U alwayz hear abt on the daytime talk showz.

So, is it just me, or does it sound like my mom & my dad R both in, like, some big, gigantic hurry 2 get me out of the house? Geez, I'm only 14! MayB I need 2 move in w/Becks. That wd show them, now, wdn't it?

Apes out


  • At 5:28 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    that crap in ur letter about getting a new bff better have been a lie but i wouldn't put it past ur mom 2 force u 2 dump me an' if u go along with that i will hate ur guts 4evah. just so u know. if u can't tell, my feelings r hurt.

    well we know liz an' ur mom r big fat liars cuz liz didn't tell nick an' lawrence abt howard an' howard didn't make rude comments abt being gay. it's not like nick or lawrence say they heard them neway it's just a rumor an' we know it's a lie cuz howie's gay. i think nick an' lawrence r lying cuz they don't wanna get sued by liz 4 maintaining a hostile workplace. an' liz is lying abt telling them cuz she knows she looks dumb 4 not having done that. she's a tard.

    i bet someone forced liz 2 file charges. i don't know what's up with those 2 other girls mayb other jobs howie had? i m sure he will tell us.

    it totally sounds like ur mom is ready 2 kick u out. ur dad doesn't sound like it 2 me tho. hey i gotta ask u have u ever felt like ur dad wuz kinda creepy 2 u? sometimes he acts like ur his girlfriend or something it kinda makes me feel funny inside u know like they taught us in the "good touch bad touch" lecture in 2nd grade.

    i hate ur family apes. y r u the only normal 1 in it? well except 4 ur grandpa jim he sed nice things abt me so he must be semi-kewl at least.

    ok gotta go just wanna say 1 more time how much i hate pattersons an' the families that marry in2 the stupid patterson family. except 4 apes who must be like a miracle of recessive genes.

    bye. becks

  • At 5:33 PM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    I went to see the same therapist Mike goes to. He understood me completely once I told him that I'm a Patterson.

    Anyway, I want to be independant for awhile and get away from being a "Patterson" and in Mtig I can pretend I'm not. I don't have as many people meddling in my life. I can escape and forget. Forget. That's all I want to do. File all of what happened away and just go on with my life.

    So as you well know I did press charges against Howard and he's harassed other women. I don't think he's the nice guy he's presenting him to be. I don't know his motives and frankly I don't want to care as long as he leaves me alone.

    That said, I am going to go commune with the trees. I'll call you later Apes.

  • At 5:34 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    oh hey i wuz just looking around on ur family's website an' looking at some old pictures an' man, i forgot how ugly liz wuz at r age! 2 bagger 4 sure.

  • At 6:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, my mom totally added that thing abt me needing a new bff. i didn't even see it until it was up on the webpage. i think she was hoping u'd see it & just believe it w/out asking me abt it. as soon as i saw it, i tried 2 call u 2 warn u. but yr mom answered the phone & sed yr phone was confiscated till school starts. she sed "becky knows why".

  • At 6:19 PM, Blogger howard said…


    At lot has happened to me this afternoon so this post may be a little long. Bear with me.

    When I got home from working at “The Gig” today, I found a woman standing in front of my apartment waiting for me. She was a brunette and she was wearing a woman’s business suit. She told me her name was Rhetta Blum, and asked if she could speak to me privately. We went into my apartment and I offered her something to drink, which she politely refused. She said, “Mr. Kelpfroth, I understand you have a reputation for not being afraid to stand up to Gordon Mayes AKA Mr. Rusty Shakleford of Brampton. I have a meeting with Mr. Mayes and I need a bodyguard, someone who is not intimidated by him.” I said, “Why don’t you tell me what this is about?” She responded, “I am a partner in my father's company and a few days ago, Mr. Mayes made him a proposition he couldn’t refuse, but he did anyway. He proposed that my father should use his business in a money laundering operation for South American exotics. My father said no, but lately he has been finding the family pets, filleted, baked in a nice cream sauce, and sitting in his bed when he wakes up. When I meet with Mr. Mayes, I want to let him know that filleted Fluffy does not frighten reticent Rhetta.” Having dealt with Mr. Mayes’ goons before, I knew I could not leave her defenseless with him, so I agreed.

    We got into her car, and she drove us to Mayes Midtown Motors. Gordon Mayes met us at the front and led us into a back room. He was accompanied by his 2 big goons, who were, as Rhetta had anticipated, clearly upset that I was there. Their faces were still healing from whatever I had done to them back at “The Gig” a few days ago. Mr. Mayes got Rhetta a drink, and I parked myself at the back of the room, to make sure that I could see any trouble coming. He was all slick and said, “Ms. Blum, I am so disappointed to see you here with Mr. Kelpfroth. He is a bad influence. I cannot help but think that he may be leading you to make an incorrect and tragic decision.” Rhetta responded, “I and my father do our own thinking. I don’t care how many animals you leave in our beds overnight, we do not accept your offer.” Mr. Mayes said, “That’s unfortunate … for you.” At this moment, he struck Rhetta across the face and the 2 goons leapt forward to attack me. I lost consciousness then, and when I awoke I found my hands around Gordon Mayes’ neck and the feeling of the barrel of a gun at the back of my head. I heard a feminine voice barking out, “Let him go, or I’ll blow your head off.” I let him go. He was wheezing and gasping for air. Then the voice ordered, “Now turn around and stand over there.” As I turned around I saw a petite blonde woman, pointing a gun at my head. Gordon said, “Tracey, I can handle this.” “Obviously not” she replied. “You bungled things as always Gordon. Attacking people on our legitimate property. What were you thinking?” As I looked around, I saw the 2 goons were lying unconscious on the floor and Rhetta was standing in the corner holding her injured face.

    Rhetta looked at the woman called Tracey, and said, “I should have known it was you behind this. You ruined me and Mike and now you are trying to take over my business.” Tracey said, “You could never prove that I was responsible for that accident with Deanna Sobinski. After being reunited with her, it was easy to convince Mike that you had been seeing other men. You never had a chance with him, just like you don’t have a chance of proving anything now.” I was completely confused at this point. Tracey then addressed me, “Mr. Kelpfroth, you have been a thorn in our side for several weeks now. But I have made arrangements for you. Elizabeth Patterson has finally pressed charges against you. Not only that but I have arranged for 2 other women to press charges against you. You are a bad man, Howard Kelpfroth. The police are on their way here, and when they get here, you are going to spend a long time in jail.” Rhetta cried out in exasperation, “Why are you doing this?” Tracey said, “I would think it was obvious. The easiest way to create an air of legitimacy is to make sure the family in town with the best reputation for goodness is legally tied to our 'family.' Wilf Sobinski and Anthony Caine are all a part of our 'family.' Yours is not."

    Suddenly, there was a flash of motion as someone else had come through the door and wrestled the gun from Tracey’s hands. It was Kortney Krelbutz. She pointed the gun at Gordon and Tracey and yelled, “We have to get out of here now!” Rhetta and I didn’t waste any time. When we got outside Rhetta told me, “I’ll get the police to follow me. You go out the back way. My father has a good reputation in this town. I won’t have any trouble.” Then she drove off in her car. I got into Kortney’s car, and she drove out the back. As Rhetta had predicted, the police followed her. Kortney and I are now out of Milborough in a hotel with internet access, so I can post this to you.

    If you would be so kind as to tell your uncle Ralph how much I appreciated him giving me employment and that I won’t be in for work tomorrow. This may be my last post for awhile. I want you to know how much I appreciated everything you did for me: the Garage Opera, the job with your uncle Ralph, sticking up for me with Elizabeth. You are such a good friend, and I hope that April never thinks that she needs a new girl friend. She will not ever find one any better than you. I hope this doesn’t sound too creepy, but “I love you.”

    Until we meet again,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:30 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…


    i don't even know what 2 say.

    i need 2 be alone rite now.


  • At 6:34 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i just realized something.

    howie is gone.

    apes is prolly gonna dump me as her bff when school starts, whether cuz she wants 2 or cuz her mom makes her.

    i don't have ne friends left.

    think i'm gonna ask mom if we have ne relatives with a goat farm i cld live on.


  • At 6:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, my dad has locked himself in his "choo-choo room" cuz he wants 2 b alone w/his "true love". u r not alone. pls come over. i've got yr fave dvd & some great goss mags.


  • At 7:08 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    apes i know ur trying 2 be nice but i don't want 2 leave the house rite now. if u must know i've been crying ever since howie's letter an' i look like crap. cld u come over here? mom's at work an' marjee's coming over soon.


  • At 7:10 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i will b rite over. i'll bring the dvd's & the mags. i'll stay as long as u want. my dad won't notice cuz when he's like this, he just spends the whole nite w/his trains.

  • At 7:55 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Beckers, if u want u can come w/ me 2 my nan's goat farm. If I go. Im not sure nemore.

  • At 11:30 PM, Anonymous Therese Caine said…

    Leesten, you leetle beetch.

    You tell zat sistair of yours to stay ze 'ell away from my 'usband. Eef Eye find one more time zat 'ore has been chez moi, Eye will keel her. Comprendez-vous?


  • At 8:09 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    don't worry, t, my sis went far, far away, so yr hubby can't drop in & visit her (& no1, like gordo, can drag her ov. 2 c him).


  • At 11:15 AM, Anonymous Therese Caine said…

    Aypreel, forgeeve me. Eye should not have called you a beetch. Eet ees just zat Anzony 'as been chasing ze ex-girlfriends all ze time and Eye am at my weet's end wiz 'im. Eet ees not just your sistair. Eye caught 'im wiz zome leetle 'ore he went to ze kindairgarten wiz just last week, 'er name is Mary Zomething and 'e told me 'e had just saved her from a purse-snatchair and was 'comforting her.' Eeen ze LampLightair Een, Eye say? Nevair mind. Anyway, Eye am zorry!


  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    i don't blame u 4 being mad, t. u mite wanna do a search on "anthdad2franmilboro" 2 c what he's been saying on the message bds. he mite b using the i-net 2 find exes.

  • At 11:55 AM, Anonymous Mike Patterson said…


    Mike Patterson


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