April's Real Blog

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Guitar Girl

That's me, Guitar Girl! I must say, after Steve & I jammed on guitars @ his house, I was really in2 playing again. Aunt Bev has this theory that if a teenager is enthusiastic abt something that is harmless & legal that adults shd encourage it. So she ran out & had their old guitar restrung. So I've played a lot this summer & it's been fun. I don't think I'm super-good or NEthing, tho I play OK. Laura sez lots of ppl come over just 2 hear me play, but I couldn't help noticing that a lot of the time, when they stop by 4 my music, they also happen 2 have a big helping of pie or mashed potatoes, or borrow something from Unk Danny, so who knows their real reasons, right? So, NEway, I was talking 2 Laura abt how there's not much pt in it all if I'm nev gonna be a professional musician, and then she got this big lectury voice. Just a second b4 that she was talking 2 me like an equal. Sheesh. Whatevs, U know?

NEway, one of Steve's guitars is electric. When I hold it up, I look a little bit like this: (I don't alwayz wear that silly ponytail. Esp. around Steve!)



  • At 9:20 AM, Anonymous AnthDad2FranMilboro said…


    I think the ponytail looks great. Don't grow up too soon! Growing up just leads to tragic marriages and burdensome obligations and difficult moral choices that could lead to you losing your house and your standing as a professional accountant.

    Still in the hospital. Had a long phone conversation with Liz. Said she wouldn't marry me if I were the last man on Earth but I've seen enough episodes of Twilight Zone to know that when a woman talks that way she'll usually end up with him.

    You won't believe what the nurse just had me do. Said it was part of the physical therapy. Luckily the nurse gave me a copy of The Big 5-0 to "help things along."

    Your Mom said she had an errand to run here tomorrow so I hope she visits.

  • At 9:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz told me 2 listen 2 all yr advice & do the opp. so i guess that meanz i shd lose the p'tail 4 good!

  • At 10:07 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    You know you won't lose the PT. Mom wont let you. Remember her feelings on loose flowing locks? At the very least she'll make you wear your hair up in a clip like I do.

    Oh I thought you ought to know that when you wear your hair up in the claw clip, Dad calls you antenna head behind your back. But he means that in a nice way. Last night he brought me what he calls a "very special doll" Princess May and had me sew a sparkly dress and accessorise with a crown. He put her up in the watch tower. She looked and awful lot like you. But, anyway he said to me musingly once when you walked by with your hair sticking up, "I wonder if she can pick up the oldies station with that antenna" then he chortled to himself and went down to his trains. Dad totally loves you a lot. I've seen the dolly representing Mike. It's named Mickey. He had me dress him in a blue velveteen short jumpsuit with a teddy bear on the front. He put it facing a corner in the train station. I haven't seen my doll. Either Dad doesn't want to risk me making the association or he doesn't have one for me.

    Anthony. I am going to marry my cat ok? Back off.

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, mayB i'll wear my hair in the pt when i leav the house in the morning & then undo it when i get 2 school. mom wd nev have 2 know. yeh, i overheard dad calling me antenna-head 1ce. i had my headphonez on, so he thought i cdn't hear. but i was betw songs so i totally did. dad cracks himself up.

    i actually have seen yr doll. dad callz her "nizzie". she looks & is dressed a lot like the woman in this pic, caroline ingalls. he keeps her in a teeny tiny school house in the back of his tool shed. i guess dad thinx he can keep ea of "our" dolls secret from us.

  • At 10:46 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    I forgot to tell you what happened yesterday after dinner. Mom was yelling at Dad, again, about proper dishwasher loading proceedure. A little later I went downstairs to give him the finished "Princess May" doll. I heard this pounding and banging. He was laying into "Mrs. Stinkybottom" with his hammer. Man, he pounded her to smithereens. Later that evening be brought me a new doll he called "Jelly Flappyarms". I kinda feel bad for him.

    I also just got of the phone with Dee. She was venting to me about how Mike's therapist wants him to go on an antidepressants with less, well you know, side effects. I guess she'd been upping Mike's dosage to help her migrains, and so he stops wanting to "discuss" marital issues if you know what I mean. She figures that she'll just take and fill the scrip for Mike and keep things the same. Mike on the other hand was excited about it saying he'd be able to "take care of her" like a proper husband.

    I'm gonna have to look in the school house for the "Nizzie" doll. Maybe I'll swipe her and make her look roadside. Wouldn't that freak Dad out?

  • At 10:54 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omigod, liz, u totally have 2 "roadsidize" that nizzie doll. that wd freak him out so much. i can't w8 to see the "jelly flappyarms" doll. i kno what u mean abt feeling bad 4 dad. notice how much cooler he alwayz gets when ma's been out of town 4 a while?

    that sure is freeky abt mike & the anti-dep's. i can't say i blame dee 4 wanting 2 keep his dosage, um, adjusted.

  • At 11:08 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    My dad said 2 my mom after 1 of the choo-choo play dates that yr dad has Patterson family dollies an' the Apes doll is "particularly disturbing." He whispered 2 my mom an' I couldnt hear the rest 'cept I heard him say "inappropriate" an' I asked him what he was saying an' he said it was none of my business. It sux when my 'rents do that.

    Gotta go read 2 the oldies and c my lawyer. B back l8r.

  • At 11:30 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Aww Duncan the new doll is much more appropriate. Dad had me get rid of the short leather looking skirt and the low cut tank top. Now "Princess May" looks pure and sweet as the driven snow. I think Dad just sees April as his little princess and wants to protect her. He does obsess about that protection though which can come off looking a little "skeevy" from the outside. He simply worships the ground she walks on. I forgot to mention. There is a little black dog figure underneath the watch tower. It's kinda menacing. I asked Dad what it's name was. He said. "Ger...Ger...Geronimo. He's a very bad bad dog. Keep him away from "Princess May!"

    You are right April he can really revert to normal when Mom is gone. Even can make some cool punless jokes.

    Lawrence and Nick keep going out for an appointment together. I think they are getting ready to adopt a child. What do you think the chances are that they will end up with custody of Francoise? Oh man I'm being perverse here. Slap me.

  • At 11:44 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, that's all pretty scary. tho @ least i kno dad won't b in a hurry 2 marry me off 2 ger like ma prolly is.

    i 1ce heard lawrence & nick talking abt how a. doesn't deserve francoise & had her 4 the wrong reasons. they were visiting connie & didn't realize i was rite on the other side of the fence feeding butterscotch.

  • At 11:56 AM, Anonymous marjee mahaha said…

    Apes, you look way better without the ponytail. Becks told me you're thinking of getting a new 'do. Feel free to stop by the shop (if you think your mom won't freak too badly--I know she's 2 doors down).

    Becks, I can totally cut your hair like in your new icon. Let me know if you want me to.

  • At 12:00 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Medicated malaprops from Mike!

    Dee is changing my meds, huh? Great. I don't understand why she just doesn't take a pair of pinking shears to my satan's wand (that's what mom and dee call it). I really don't use it that much anyway. Twice, to be exact. Maybe I should see if Kimmy wants it.

    Mom says its evil and it just causes trouble anyway.

    Mike Patterson

  • At 12:13 PM, Anonymous Jesse said…

    Miss Patterson I was eavesesdroping over at Gary's howse and he was all poed about a fone call he got bout how you wasn't gonna come back to Mtig. He was all mad and said he wood spect more notice from somone as sponsible as you. Says you wood hav calld earlyer in the summer if you wasn't gonna come back.

    I was so upset that I hitshed a ride with someone goin up to Sprucsh Narrows to use there liberry comptuer. I don't have your email dress but found your sister's blog. You are comming back ain't you? I mean you promised an all an I have that stuff you wanted back.

  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    uh-oh, liz, i'll bet anthony or mike or mom called gary 2 say u weren't coming back. u'd better call gary 2 str8en this out!

    jesse, don't worry, my sis is coming back.

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am glad you are thinking about changing your hairstyle. My opinion is that ladies should always be trying something new with their appearance. You don’t want to look like a frumpy school teacher with your hair in a bun all the time, like some fashion-dead member of your family, whom we both know. As for myself, I never wear the same wig more than once in a month. Of course, I am not counting when I do operatic roles for the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera, where it is important to keep the same hair each performance for the character. Anyway, you should definitely take up this Marjee Mahaha on her offer to do your hair when you get back to town. You don’t want your father’s dolls to be the most fashionable members of your family, do you?

    I am so excited to hear that Lawrence and Nick are planning to adopt. They have not said anything about it to me. When I asked Nick about his daily offsite meetings, he said he was meeting with a Brazilian partner in a little import / export business they have on the side. I never expected he was talking about importing a baby into their family. I am just thrilled. I love babies.

    Lawrence and Nick did tell me that their “friend” (the one who set up my “attack” on your sister) may have something else for me to do. Apparently the “friend” was expecting your sister to make some sort of promise, and that did not happen. Because of that, Lawrence said I might have to do something with “mmm tiger whacking,” and he would let me know. It was very confusing to me. I don’t know anything about tigers, and I certainly would not want to whack one. They bite.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:49 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    man i slept in 2day cuz mom had a wild party last nite an' look what i missed! i'm way bhind.

    ok, first thing--HOWARD! don't take any more plot jobs frum lawrence for his friend! don't wack or hurt nething! just tell him 'no thanks.' i m worried cuz u r still way 2 trusting.

    apes, i think wearing the hair down at school is a good start, but u should really get a whole new haircut. u have such a cute face u would look really good in a short pixie haircut or something kewl like that. the ponytail iz lame but we all know ur mom thinks that's the proper style for "a kid" hello ur a woman now doesn't she know u started ur period 2 years ago?

    liz u need 2 call gary an' let him know that your ex is the 1 trying 2 sabotage ur job. i bet it wuz anthony who called an' pretended 2 b u cuz his voice isn't all that low 2 start with so he could easily sound like a girl.

    the stories about those dolls r just creepy. u know ur dad gets worse an' worse every day i used 2 think he was ok but now he just seems kinda nutso. i like the idea of the ger/dog doll tho! ha! hey i hope he doesn't have 1 of me cuz it would probably be a trainside hooker or something. what is it with ur family?!?

    marjee i think i'm gonna keep my hair like this i talked 2 some agents last week an' even tho i don't have 1 yet, most of them sed 2 keep my real name an' that the curly hair wuz HOTT! so i guess i'm leaving it but i'm keeping the icon cuz i could prolly style it like that if i tried.

    jason thanx 4 posting that stuff i know it was prolly a kind of a gross job 4 u since u don't like girls an' most of that stuff was about girls an' sex. but u r a real friend. i m glad u will be tutoring me in algebra cuz u really know ur stuff.

    ger i don't have anything 2 say 2 u at all. ever again. u suck donkey balls.

    an' lastly--how come dee got married if she hates sex? shouldn't she have just been a nun?

    your pal becks (who is never sleeping in again)

  • At 2:56 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    My treasured little buttercup April,

    I can only claim temporary insanity for having posted those vile items. Being apart from you has been agony. I weep daily. It is only my grandfather's encouragement that keeps me going. When I wake up in the morning, I see your picture on my nightstand and it's like a knife in my heart, for I know that you are not only in a distant land, but that you are sharing your amour with a man named Steve.

    When you first started talking about Steve, I went mad with jealousy and grief. I blamed Becky for encouraging you to be with another man. And so I posted some unflattering things about you on that message board. I thought it was a safe place to vent my anguish, and that you would never find out. Damn that Jason Fox and his Becky-loving ways! I swear that girl is a siren, for she lures all men near and far with her charms. Except for me, my darling. I only have eyes for you.

    And I will likely tear out my eyes if you do not forgive me. Such is my sorrow.

    I am deeply and truly sorry.

    Your devoted lover, Gerald

  • At 2:57 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    I have no idea how that last post came to have Becky's name at the top. There must be a glitch in your blog.

  • At 3:07 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg apes there wuz so much 2 write about that i forgot the most important thing.

    u have tons of talent. u could be in a professional band cuz u r a great guitar player. the thing is, i just don't want 2 be in a band. i want 2 be able 2 do my own thing an' have all the control cuz ger and dunc were pretty mean about not wanting 2 let me have a say in how we did things.

    i wuz really nervous about telling u guyz that i didn't want 2 be in the band anymore an' so i put it off an' put it off an' then i thought, why not surprise them at grad? an' i wuz so nervous 2 talk 2 u afterwards that i think it came out pretty mean. i just didn't know how 2 b forceful enough without sounding like a total bitch an' so i did. i know i sounded super mean then.

    but that doesn't mean u ren't a great guitar player an' i hope u don't think i wuz trying 2 say that. (actually i wuz trying 2 tell dunc an' ger they aren't that good cuz they ren't! an' i think u know that but wouldn't say cuz ger is your bf) but u r good an' i hope when i start performing an' cutting records that u will perform with me sometimes if u want 2 when i need a guitarist.

    plz don't sell urself short just cuz ur dad is down on musicians. hey wait a minute isn't ur uncle phil a professional musician? an' isn't he married an' happy an' stuff? wtf is wrong with ur dad? did uncle phil get mentioned in that long lecture about musicians that ur dad gave u apes?

    gotta go becks

  • At 4:39 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ger, i guess i can understand wanting 2 vent, esp. when i posted all that stuff abt. steve. i guess if u were away & spending time w/some girl, then talking abt it on a blog, i mite wanna vent 2. don't forget, tho, that we're 14, not 84. try not 2 sound sooooooo much like yr g-father.

    becks, it's v. kewl of u 2 say such nice thingz abt my guitar playing. i don't think i'm a bad guitar player, it's just that i alwayz have an idea in my head of what i want my playing 2 sound like, & it nev quite soundz like that. my dad's 'tude wd b, well, that's gd enuf, u did yr best, but i keep wanting 2 do better. i think u r the same way w/yr singing & playing. it wd b so Qb 2 perform w/u some time.

    u r rite abt unk phil. i think it's 1 of those weird patterson-richards rifts. + my dad has alwayz considered unk phil 2 b kinda "artsy fartsy". he also smokes & married l8 in life. & lives in montreal. all strikes against him. i luv me some uncle phil!

  • At 5:06 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    My moist little cupcake April,

    Alright, I will try to be less charming. My grandfather told me to cut it out anyway because "young whippersnappers don't appreciate old-fashioned romance." I guess he was right. ::sigh:: I'm sorry if I grossed you out. I was only trying to be suave, a white knight to your fairy princess. I thought girls liked that.

    Can I still do the endearments like "buttercup" and "tulip"? I really like doing them and I invent them just for you.

    Your devoted lover, Gerald

  • At 5:15 PM, Blogger howard said…


    You’re my bud and I really trust your opinion and I know I am too trusting. I am trying to work on that. So, I spoke to Lawrence about my concerns doing the job for his “friend.” He said not to worry for 2 reasons: (1) It was not definite if there would even be a job. His “friend” was waiting to check the results of “temerarious telephonic tomfoolery” (Whatever that means) and (2) I would not have to whack any tigers. For some reason Lawrence was laughing pretty hard when he told me that last one. Anyway, Lawrence said he would let me know when and if the job was a go, and assured me that there would be absolutely no fake-fighting for this one. I felt a lot better about it after talking to Lawrence, and I hope you do too. I could really use the money after paying for some very expensive automotive repairs.

    Not to be mean, but I do not know if I like your advice about a pixie haircut for April. You really have to have the right head shape for that to work. For example, I think a pixie haircut would look terrible on you. You should definitely keep the curls.

    By the by, I found a recording of the song you did at your grad on a website. You have quite a lovely alto voice. Was that song your own composition?

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 5:23 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    yeah howie i wrote that song. i'm glad u liked it. i actually wuz nervous about it cuz i didn't think it wuz one of my best. but i got a lot of compliments so i guess it wuz good. compliments frum real artists like u an' apes mean the most 2 me tho cuz u know what ur talking about. thanx.

    but i still think u shouldn't do any more secret jobs 4 lawrence 2 b safe. just work at the greenhouse only. remember if it's something u can't tell everyone about u prolly shouldn't b doing it.

    apes, i m never quite satisfied with my writing or singing either but that's normal it's part of striving 2 b better. if u were totally satisfied u would never try harder an' u'd never improve. it's important 2 realize u do a good job even if it's not perfect tho.

    i gotta go now it turns out "uncle" bill is a fisherman an' he brought home a couple fish 4 dinner 2nite. guess who has 2 cook them that's rite urs truly. so i hafta go find a recipe online. he wants me 2 fry them but i want 2 find something healthier, u know?

    ttfn, becks

  • At 5:38 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, ger, let's keep yr special pet namez between us. in e-mail or alone w/me is kewl, but i get embarrassed if u use them in public.

    howard, becks is rite, u shdn't do NEmore of those secret jobz, no matter how nice lawrence & nick (or NE1 else) is being about it.

    becks, i m so glad u understand abt the striving 2 b better thing. it doesn't mean w/don't think our stuff is good, but we're alwayz trying 2 improve. ppl like my dad nev. understand that & it can b so frustrating trying 2 explain sometimes.

    mayB u can find some good baked-fish recipes. that's how my dad & i cook when mom's away. (i'm alwayz surprised how normal he gets when she's away, esp. if she goes away 4 a long time.)

  • At 5:43 PM, Anonymous Dennis said…

    April I hope you don't mind if I come here to post on your blog. I tried to shoot you an email but it came back as unsendable.

    What's going on Liz girl?

    I've been hearing an awful lot of talk regarding you and Anthony lately. I hope everything is okay. From what I am hearing Howard is on the right track and I'm concerned about him being framed for something. He is an innocent, sweetheart. Give me a call Liz you know my number.

    Howard darling. Don't let them railroad you, if you know what I mean. Give me a call too honey and we'll talk.

  • At 6:13 PM, Blogger howard said…


    It’s so good to hear from you. They still talk about the choreography you did for me, when I played Carmen at the Milborough GLBTG Light Opera. I still remember hearing the cries from the audience, “You can’t do that with castanets!”

    To the point of your post and your friend Elizabeth, I am deeply ashamed to have to tell you what I am about to tell you. I stalked and attacked Elizabeth as a part of a setup job to get her back together with a person I now know to be her married ex-boyfriend, this Anthony you mentioned in your post. During the attack, I am told I injured her bosom. I expect the police to pick me up any day now on assault charges. I know this news will shock you and I am sorry for the pain it must bring you to hear it. I recommend you give your comfort to Elizabeth, who is most in need of it, and not defend me to her, since I am not deserving of your defence.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:20 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    I got home from work and found a note from Mom about what to cook for dinner. I am making the dreaded vomit pie.

    1 jar (12 oz.) pork gravy
    1/4 cup honey mustard
    1 can (15 oz.) Veg-All Original Mixed Vegetables, drained
    2 cups cooked hot dogs
    1/4 tsp. dried thyme leaves
    1 medium tart apple, peeled, seeded, and chopped
    1 small onion, chopped
    1 sheet puff pastry dough
    1 large egg, beaten
    Preheat oven to 375 F.
    In a large bowl, whisk together the gravy and honey mustard. Add Veg-All, hot dogs, thyme, apple, and onion. Toss to coat. Transfer mixture to a greased 10-inch pie plate.
    Roll out puff pastry dough to fit pie plate. Brush egg around rim of plate. Place puff pastry over mixture and press edges to seal. Trim edges. Cut 3-4 slits in top for venting.
    Bake 50-60 minutes or until golden brown.

    Ok Dennis got the message. Hold tight for a phone call. I've got to assemble the aforementioned horror. Keep me on the phone long enough and maybe I can burn the butt off of it too.

  • At 6:29 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Oh Jesse and Becky don't worry I called and talked to Gary. All is ok.

  • At 6:37 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    omg, liz, dad & i thought we'd destroyed that recipe! mom musta had xtra copies! ew, ew, ew!

    have u been subjected 2 her cans o' stuff casserole? you randomly grab 8 canz of "stuff" that happenz 2 b in the cabinet (cd be carrots, green beans, spam, peaches, tuna, asparagus, peas, and lima beans). toss them in the cass. dish, mix in mush. soup & grated cheddar, then bake @ 350 till u hear apes say, "ew, what smellz so gross?" lol

  • At 6:47 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    hey remember when i came over 4 dinner an' ur mom sed, "i made a special treat i think u kids will luv" an' it wuz some casserole called "full o' baloney"? She chopped up baloney in2 chunx an' used cheeze whiz 4 the wet part an' there were like onions an' peas in there. it was totally gross. baloney + cheeze whiz = barforama.

    well i put the fish in the oven i hope i don't burn it. "uncle" bill gets violent when he gets mad.

    apes r u gonna make up with ger?

    gotta go i smell something kinda smoky in the kitchen.


  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    ick, i remember that time my mom made that "full o' baloney" thing. i wuz so sick that nite, & i'm used 2 her cooking.

    ger called me & we talked 4 a while. he really did sound sorry abt the things he wrote on that mssg board. he even sed he was sorry abt the mean thingz he sed abt u. he seemz 2 b getting it that u don't diss my bud, u know?

    i know that ger was writing sum hokey stuff here, but he told me on the phone he was just getting carried away cuz he misses me so much. i guess i can understand that. i know u think he's a real dork, but there's something abt him i can't really xplain, esp. when we're tog. i get so confused sumtymz.

    hope the fish is ok. if "uncle bill" tries 2 hurt u, pls call liz. i just talked 2 her & she sez she'll come by w/the bike if u need 2 get away.

  • At 7:24 PM, Blogger howard said…


    That call your Uncle Bill just got was from me, in case you were wondering what that shouting was about. Bill and I now have an understanding about how he is supposed to treat you. You go ahead and cook that fish anyway you like.

    Changing the subject, I have good news. I got a call from Lawrence about the job for his “friend.” His “friend” said the “temerarious telephonic tomfoolery tanked” (Whatever that means) and the job is on. The “friend” wants me to live for a year in some little Ojibway community just to the northeast of Lake Nipigon. It is sort of a bodyguard kind of job. I am supposed to watch out for some guy named Blackwood, and make sure he stays away from this lady who lives there. Lawrence says that this Blackwood guy is really bad news and that the lady desperately needs to be protected. Apparently, there is not much of a police force in this community. Taking the job means giving up opera for awhile; but you would not believe how much money it pays. Plus I would like doing something nice for someone for a change.

    You’re my bud, so let me know what you think,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 7:33 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, no, don't do it! this is just another part of the scheme. "blackwood" is warren, a very nice, hunky helicopter pilot liz was kind of seeing 4 a little while. they've got thingz on hold rite now, but there's still a chance they cd get tog. pls don't get involved in another plot!

  • At 8:19 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am really getting confused. Part of your story matches Lawrence’s and the other part doesn’t. Lawrence told me that the guy had been really mean to the lady in the Ojibway community and then left her alone for awhile, but he might come back and really hurt her. Plus, I thought the Anthony guy was Elizabeth’s ex-boyfriend. And how could Elizabeth be the same lady Lawrence was talking about? She doesn’t look the least bit Ojibway, and Lake Nipigon is long way away from Milborough. Even if somehow the Ojibway lady is Elizabeth, how do you know the guy really was nice? If he lives so far away, would you really get the chance to see what he is like? You called him “hunky” so you could be swayed by his appearance. There’s lots of good-looking guys I’ve known who have been really mean. If you are only going by how he looks and what your sister has told you that may not be enough. I don’t know that much about Elizabeth’s romantic history, but if that Anthony guy is an example of her boyfriends, she seems to have pretty awful taste in men. So, I don’t know if you can trust what she says about a guy. She probably thinks the best of them, even if they are awful and mean. I know Lawrence didn’t quite tell me the whole truth about that Anthony guy before, but he swears he is telling the truth about this Blackwood guy. Is there some way I can know for sure about what you are telling me?

    Concerned and frustrated,
    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:30 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, liz teaches in an ojibway community. i met warren & he was very nice. not like anthony. liz & anth. dated when they were in high school, but liz dated warren in late uni, so by then i think she had better taste in men. but i'll let liz speak 4 herself next time she posts.

  • At 8:36 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Howard. I've been involved with some real creeps like Eric. But Warren is a real "class act". He's quite sweet and kind and gentlmanly. If you met him you'd fall right in love with him too. Not only that, but he is drop dead gorgeous. He has treated me with nothing but the utmost respect. But, you know stupid me, I've kept him at arms length and pushed him away. I'm scared he's finally got the message. Call Dennis, he'll give you the details and you know Dennis will give you the "straight dope". Please don't take anymore jobs from your "friends". You owe me this one Howard. If you are on the up and up you'll not let them "railroad" you into doing something which might harm me in the long run. Do you think what they want for me is better than I want for myself? Why do people want to mettle in my life? Even if I mess it up, that's my choice.

    April I managed to destroy the vomit pie. I ordered Pizza. Mom wasn't too happy about that. I think it was a bad move though because now she's talking about giving me "cooking" lessons. I think I'm going to begin packing to go back to Mtig.

  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I am not supposed to address your sister directly, but please let her know that I appreciate her open and honest communication with me. When she posted "Mtig", I knew that she could not be fooling me. I never mentioned the Ojibway community's name in my posts, and she still knew it was "Mtig" short for Mtigwaki. It may make her uncomfortable to accept a favor from someone who attacked her, but tell her I do owe her one, and anytime she needs something done, I swear I'll be right there for her.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, i m so glad u r not going to get involved in that new scheme lawrence & nick tried 2 get u in2. it wd have been nothing but trub.

    liz, gd on u 4 wrecking mom's slop. 2 bad abt the "cooking" lessons tho. but if u act dumb & bumbly she'll prolly get frustrated, mutter under her breath abt "boneheaded pattersons", & let u go.

  • At 11:12 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes, Im back. 2day was my last day reading 2 the oldies @ The Manors. When I was done they put 2 1/2 moons 2gether 2 make a cake an' they gave me a thank u card 4 that d00d Malcolm 4 reading "Crime an' Punishment" 2 them. 2morrow is my court date. My stomach hurts real bad mayB from the 1/2 moons. L8r.

    p.s. I saw that French lady 2day @ my lawyers she was yelling @ the secretary 4 spelling "Patterson" wrong on her papers. So mayB her name is Patterson an' shes 1 of yr peeps.

    p.p.s My dad says youll B back on Sunday an' I hafta go with him 4 the choo-choo play date. I dont no if thats cube with u 'cos mayB u want 2 go roadside with Ger. I no Ger wants 2 go roadside with u 'cos he showed me what he bought @ the drug store when I saw him that time.

  • At 11:18 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    howie, u r just the sweetest guy alive. when u called my "uncle" bill an' sed u'd smash his skull with a tire iron if he wuz mean 2 me, he got all white in the face an' his knees started 2 shake.

    2 bad u didn't say something about being mean 2 my mom tho. cuz i burned the fish an' "uncle" bill got mad, but he cldn't smack me around cuz of u, so he punched my mom in the face. so i grabbed the frying pan an' bashed "uncle" bill over the head with it. now he's in the hospital something about a skull fracture. neway brad luggsworth wuz the 1 who came 2 our house when we called the cops an' he sez that "uncle" bill is gonna do some hard time turns out he's on parole 4 vehicular manslaughter so he's going back 2 prison. mom is ok just a black eye. i m so glad "uncle" bill is going away maybe mom will calm down 4 awhile. i hope.

    what a crazy nite i m so bushed but b4 i go 2 bed i will say 2 u howard that apes an' liz are 100% right warren blackwood iz a kewl guy an' it's lawrence an' anthony who want 2 do something bad 2 liz. so don't take the job! even if it pays a lot. we will find u a better job 1 that doesn't make u give up opera. mayb i can get my uncle ralph 2 get u some work. he's my real uncle my dad's brother an' he is an electrician maybe u could b his apprentice. also u would fit rite in at his company cuz he's gayer then a christmas tree (whatever that mean--i don't know, it's just what my dad sez about him). we will talk more later.

    i don't have the energy 2 say nething much about the gerald situation but i will say that apes, u could do way better. u r smokin' an' ger is like a cold dead fish that ur "uncle" brings home an' makes u cook.

    later peeps. becks

  • At 11:20 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    sorry dunc u posted while i was writing my post i wanted 2 say i will c u in court tomorrow an' don't worry, i m gonna say u have some redeeming qualities cuz u helped me out with the whole spying on liz an' howard thing. also u r sometimes nice even if u r a perv an' being friends with howard has taught me 1 thing that u should give people a 2nd chance.

    ok later becks

  • At 11:23 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Thanks, Beckers, u r so cube! My lawyer says I have a gr8 case but I dont think Im gonna sleep 2night neway.

  • At 11:27 PM, Anonymous Dennis said…

    Howard. You still haven't called me. I'm waiting. We have things to discuss regarding Lawrence and Nick. Gee I hate begging a man to call me. It's not like I bite or anything. Unless you want me to.

  • At 11:34 PM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    My delicate little trillium* April,

    I am so happy we made up. I was really freaked out there for awhile. I will try to be more like a normal teenaged boy when I romance you. Thank you for agreeing to let me keep some of my smooth moves. Knowing that we can compromise like this makes me feel confident that we can overcome any obstacle and have a long and happy relationship.

    I stopped into Lilliput's the other day to see if your mother needed any help with anything. While we were shelving Curious George books, she asked me if our involvement was serious. I said yes, that I thought it was. And then she asked me when I thought we would be "making it official." I was confused, and I answered, "Well, I think people already know we're officially a couple." But then your mom said, "No, I mean, when are you going to get married? You two have already been dating for three years now. I think you two should get married because I'm sure it's just a matter of time before you two want to go roadside."

    When I stopped laughing about her use of teenage slang like "roadside," I realized that your mother is actually a rather disturbed person, isn't she? Not as disturbing as your beauty, though, my lovely daffodil.**

    Your devoted lover, Gerald

    *The official flower of Ontario.
    **The official flower of Milborough.

  • At 11:37 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Ewww. Beckers, will u tell the judge that Ger is a bigger perv than me? He even uses yr name when he posts.

  • At 11:37 PM, Anonymous gerald forsythe said…

    Gosh darn it, there's that bug again! I'm not trying to impersonate Becky, I promise.

  • At 12:00 AM, Blogger A. Nonny Mous said…

    April I've been board so I thought I'd go searching through our past. I found some interesting things.

    I forgot about those days, but I used to look a lot like you except I have my In a very middle aged lady style Peggy Flemming mushroom cut.

    You pooped in the bunny litter

    Forever the know it all

    On the next installment I'll how Mike's indoctrination into insanity.

  • At 12:33 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    omg liz ur hair was mondo uggo!

    also apes u r a scream those stories about u r way funny! u pooped in the bunny box?!? gross!

  • At 1:28 AM, Blogger howard said…

    This is going to be a long post, so bear with me.

    Dennis. Sorry for not calling. It has been a trying evening. I had a long “conversation” with Lawrence and Nick when I went to work tonight, so I suspect that we may no longer have anything to talk about.

    Becky. I’m sorry I forget to mention your mom when I was talking to your “uncle” bill. I should have known that my bud could handle herself in a crisis. I’m so proud of you and I think I need you to talk to your uncle Ralph about a job.

    I was fired tonight. I confronted Lawrence and Nick about their “friend’s” new job and I told them that I was not going to do it. I told them I knew that the lady in the Ojibway community was really Elizabeth and that they were setting her up again.

    They looked a little surprised, but then Nick said, “You’re fired, Howard. We’ve only been keeping you around for these kinds of jobs and if you won’t do them you’re of no use to us or our ‘friend’.” Lawrence said, “I’ve already called Elizabeth and told her that I fired you and if she hasn’t already, I am going to make sure that she presses charges against you for that assault.”

    I then played my trump card. I said that I knew who their “friend” was and I would make sure Elizabeth knew her brother was the one who arranged the “attack.” At this point, Nick and Lawrence burst out laughing and said, “You think the ‘friend’ is Mike Patterson? Mike ‘Oops. My wife got pregnant by accident’ Patterson? Mike ‘Can’t string 2 words together without spelling one wrong’ Patterson? Mike ‘Can’t move a bed across a building without losing half the parts’ Patterson? Mike ‘All my neighbor problems can be solved with tape’ Patterson? Mike ‘I’m so glad to be Editor-in-Chief I don’t need more money’ Patterson?” At this point, they were laughing so hard, they started gasping for breath. I was really confused, but I pressed on.

    I said, “Your ‘friend’ uses alliteration a lot. Mike Patterson is known for his alliteration.” Nick said, “Alliteration is an English form that has been around for centuries. Lots of people use alliteration.” Then I countered, “The car you gave me to drive belonged to Josef Weeder, who is a close friend of Mike Patterson.” Lawrence said, “Josef Weeder comes from money. Rich people have more than one friend, and usually ones a lot more powerful than Mike Patterson. You have nothing on us. Get out!”

    When I got home, there was a call on the answering machine from the general manager of the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera Company. Apparently, their leading contributor said they were going to pull out their financial support, unless they let me go. I’m sure you can guess who their leading contributor is.

    This stuff sounds kind of bad, but there is a silver lining. I believe I now can tell my new bud Becky that I am turning the corner on being gullible.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 3:37 AM, Blogger Mary Worth said…

    i m having a real hard time sleeping 2nite wuz just too exciting--in a bad way.

    howie i feel terrible. i told u 2 stop doing schemes with lawrence an' u get fired, which wldn't be so bad on its own but then u got kicked out of the opera 2 an' i know that's ur passion. hang in there an' i bet if apes an' i put our heads 2gether we can think of a way 2 get u back on stage apes's family knows like everybody in m-boro an' we can prolly find a string 2 pull somewhere. music is our passion 2 an' we know that it's important 4 u 2 be able 2 practice ur craft.

    altho it is good that u r being less gullible i m so proud of u 4 standing up 2 them an' pointing out their dumb crap.

    as 4 the job no sweat i m gonna call my uncle ralph first thing in the morning. he will be sympathetic i m sure cuz he doesn't like lawrence since ralph used 2 date nick an' lawrence is the jealous type so he snubs ralph every time they see him at "the iron bar" which i guess is the hot gay club in m-boro. uncle ralph doesn't even really like 2 go there becuz he's not "ripped" or whatever an' he's self-conscious but his husband uncle mark really likes it.

    lawrence an' nick r rite mike is pretty well known 4 being dumb but this plot isn't exactly genius material an' it's got mike's fingerprints all over it the only way weed an' lawrence know each other is thru mike an' mike is the only person any of them know who uses stupid alliteration. nobody else fits the facts. i learned that watching old colombo movies with my uncle ralph he thinks peter falk is hott. ralph has been real kewl 2 me since dad ran out i think he feels guilty his brother did that so he will prolly do me a solid an' give u a job.

    mom is ok she got a black eye but i kinda think in a weird way she needed that 2 happen 2 get her 2 wake up an' smell the coffee if u know what i mean. she has been acting so krazee an' it's like she wuz gonna settle 4 the first guy who would have her even if he wuz a total scuzz. mike alwayz talks shit about brad luggsworth but he wuz real kewl he came with us 2 the er an' he really gave mom the business an' told her that she needs 2 b more careful with who she brings home not only 4 her own safety but cuz she has a kid. i don't usually like being called a kid but i wuz so glad he told mom 2 cut it out that i didn't care. she started crying an' sed that she wd try 2 b more responsible an' i hope she is cuz i'm so tired of worrying about what she's gonna do next you know?

    i flushed her stash of vitamins 2nite sorry apes but i've seen what they do now an' it's not pretty. i don't think we shd take them anymore. neway marjee sed that if we want 2 experiment with drugs we shd try pot cuz it's legal.

    ok gotta go i'm getting tired again.

    your pal becks


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