April's Real Blog

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Should I Get a Mohawk?

You might remember that back in April I was thinking about getting a haircut. Obviously, I haven't & I'm pretty bored w/the 'do I've had all these years. Well, it's better than that bowl cut mom used to make me wear, but still. NEway, I was joking around w/Steve about how my mom wd totally freak out if I got a MOHAWK! So we used that Portrait Illustration Maker site 2 make this pic of how I mite look w/a mohawk:

So what do U think, peeps? Shd I do it? U know Mom wd pee her pants, & I cd prolly sell tix 2 ppl who'd pay to see that!

I'm not sure what Liz is up 2 right now, but I hope she's filed that report w/the police like Lawrence said she shd. Y'know, instead of doing something like sitting around & talking 2 her cat. But what R the chances she's doing that?

Apes out


  • At 8:04 AM, Anonymous Jeremy Duncan said…

    I think you could totally rock the 'hawk! One of my buds has one and he's totally cool. I'd say go for it, but I've heard about your mother and she might have a major cow. So like you probably should cool it on that style and go for something a little more trad.

  • At 8:04 AM, Anonymous jeremy jones said…

    u wuld actually b cube 4 1ce if u got a 'hawk, aypo. 2 bad ur 2 much of a wus 2 actually du suh'in about ur dork-ass hair.

    ur sis talks to a cat. god she's a looser. wut is with ur fam NEway? ur pops plays with trains 4 cryin out loud! tell him to grow up or i'll steal his trains again!


  • At 8:13 AM, Anonymous billy keane said…

    hi u have a cool blog i want one but mommy wont let me (im 7).

    i wanted a mohawk back in 1984 but i had 2 have a permission slip from mommy. i wanted to look like mr. t.

  • At 8:20 AM, Anonymous kortney said…

    u would look like an idiot with a mohawk. just thinking bout it makes me hurl. in fact i did when i saw that pic. i used the trash can a stole from ur ma's crappy store before that bitch fired me.

  • At 8:29 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, i might have 2 do it! mayB some tats & piercings, 2. my cuz, laura, got a stitch from laughing when i showed her the pic. she sez it's been a long, long time since she's seen my mom, but she remembers how super uptite she is.

  • At 8:55 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    April. Shiimsa says that no matter what decisions I make she'll always love me. She also thinks we should head back to Mtig and leave Anthony in the dust. She says we don't need anything but each other.

    As for the Mohawk. I don't know April. It looks like it would be really high maintenance. Besides, Mom would flip her lid and you would be grounded until it grew out. Just remember how bad some of mom's grounding chores are. But, then again Mom did let you get purple streaks in your hair, so you might be able to get away with it.

  • At 9:01 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    liz, maybe i'll fake her out with a wig, and then see what i can get away w/ after i take it off & she finishes crying the tears of relief.

  • At 10:01 AM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes, I like the 'hawk, mayB we can start a new punk band after u get back from the farm.

    I was at my lawyers yesterday an' saw a woman with a French name with a girl baby with a French name. I asked my lawyer if it was Anth's wife an' he told me it was none of my business. I heard the lady say that she wants a divorce because of adultry an' that she wants my lawyer to sue the roadside gig her husband was hanging with in the park. I couldnt hear more 'cos my mom came to take me home.

    Gotta go now. Its "Reading Time with Malcom" at Milborough Manors. The 1st time I had to read to the oldies I brought them the 5 peeps that u meet in heaven, but they didnt like that one. They want me to read war an' peace, an' then they keep falling asleep an' making me start over. They say Im not reading loud enuf but I know there really sleeping 'cos they snore. Im only on page 28 an' I counted an' theres 1444 pages in the book.

    Ill try to check in again when I get home.

  • At 10:18 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, liz, mayB U shd call a lawyer 2. just make sure U get some1 from toronto who doesn't have NE ties 2 mike, gordo, lawrence, or nick.

  • At 10:20 AM, Anonymous Jason said…

    Greetings Becky. Thanks for wanting to hang out with me. Since I'm only ten I'm really not interested in going roadside with anyone. I you're looking for a boyfriend type guy to hang out with I could hook you up with my brother Peter, he's 16. He's kinda dim though so I'm not sure someone as smart as you would be interested.

    Tell me do you like Iguanas and Function Squashing? I wouldn't mind hanging with you if you did. Just remember I still think girls are puky. I know you said that you don't go roadside or nuthing, but I have experience with girls (Elieen) who say they won't get mushy and then do. Makes me feel queasy.

    Hey April thanks for letting me talk to your friend on your blog. Does your mom cook gross food like my mom does? Like Tofu casserole with lima beans and kelp?

  • At 10:30 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    hey, jason. yeah, my mom makes gross food, but it's more traditional gross food. example: she makes something i call the "heart-attack casserole". it's, like, layer of noodles w/cream of mushroom soup, layer of sausage, layer of bacon, layer of mozzarella, layer of pork and beans, layer of green beans in cream of mushroom soup, layer of provolone, layer of sour cream, layer of potato chips. then she has a latte with skim milk and says, "diet, u know."

  • At 12:12 PM, Blogger howard said…


    If you are interested in doing the wig, I have several you can borrow. We would have to meet someplace where your sister does not go. I am supposed to avoid her until she goes back to school.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:23 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    omg apes i remember having that "heart attack surprise" 1 time at ur house. i got so sick after that my mom sed i could only eat over your place when u were ordering pizza or something. 'member? the throw-up was both red AND green!

    sorry jason it took me awhile 2 remember who u r. u sounded older than 10 maybe cuz of all the math stuff. actually i do need 2 get a math tutor an' maybe u could help me out. i usually get good grades but math is hard an' my dad used 2 help me but then he left an' it's hard 4 me 2 concentrate when my mom is partying with my "uncles" at all hours of the day an' nite. i got a c- in math last quarter which is real bad for me the lowest i ever got before in a class was a b- and that was in gym an' only cuz i didn't want to shower in front of mabel kakossli becuz dunc sed she has a crush on me. anyway i'm sure u get the point. i wrote 2 my dad an' he sed he would pay 4 a tutor. u sound like u kno math really good so r u interested in the job?

    i think i know your sister paige. isn't she in our grade? i think so. she's that blonde girl with the ponytail who is really annoying. we had biology 2gether an' i know dissecting a frog is gross but she kept yelling "aack!" just like cathy right in my ear an' it wuz horrible.

    oh an' apes, i think the mohawk iz kewl cuz it will freak ur mom out. but definitely use a wig or something cuz u need ur hair to be at its most gorgeousest when we start grade 9. we r gonna get u a better bf than gerald--i promise!


  • At 2:55 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, i totally remember when u got sick from that heart-attack "food" my mom likes 2 make. it's also safe 4 u 2 eat w/us when it's my turn 2 cook cuz i learned those gd & healthy dishes they taught us 2 make in home ec. or when my mom's out of town & dad & i are doing all the shopping.

    u have a pt about the wig thing. howard, if u cd hook me up w/a mohawk wig, that wd rock! & if we cd also do fake tats & piercings, that wd b so perfect!



  • At 3:37 PM, Blogger howard said…


    I have quite a wig selection and loads of clip-ons that I have collected over the years from my operatic roles. With community light opera, you usually have to provide your own costumes, so each new role is an opportunity to shop. There is not a lot of light opera that calls for tattoos. Fortunately for you, the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera Company is currently doing the Pirates of Penzance, and although I am playing Mabel, most of the guys playing the pirates are using fake tattoos.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 6:04 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    Hey, Apes, Im back from story time @ the Manor. Ill b so glad when school starts 'cos I wont hafta go there every day n e more. 2day was
    worse than usual. I started @ page 28 of war an' peace an' ended @ page 19 'cos the oldies were all excited about there field trip 2morrow an' kept talking an' talking about it so I had 2 keep repeating myself. I got rilly pissed with them an' I finally asked them y they keep calling me Malcolm when my name is Duncan. 1 of the oldies told me it was 'cos it says "Reading Time With Malcolm" in there programme an' she showed me there programme an' it does say that an' she said that 'cos Im there reading at reading time yr name must b Malcolm. She made my brain hurt so I gave up.

    The programme says that the oldies field trip 2morrow is a scenic
    gardens an' landscaping tour of Mboro by Lawrence Poirier of
    Lakeshore Landscaping. Yr grandpa an' yr step-grandma r signed up 4
    it. I think its gr8t 'cos "Reading Time With Malcolm" is cancelled
    2morrow 4 the field trip. I guess it sux for Liz, tho, 'cos mayB shes gotta work while Lawrence is with the oldies.

    p.s. Beckers, if u r reading this, I dont wear grape lip gloss. I dont even like grapes.

  • At 7:14 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, howard, it sounds like u can totally hook me up. this is gonna be so hilarious!

    dunc, those old foax sound like a drag. i'm glad u r getting a break 2morrow. 1x when i visited there, i went swimming @ their pool. i 4got that they make u wear a bathing cap, so they lent me 1 from lost & found, w/the name "lucy" on it. then peeps kept calling me "lucy" but i didn't answer cuz i wasn't thinking about the name on the cap.

  • At 7:52 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Let me know when we can get together to go through my stuff. It should be fun. I think every teenager should shock their mother at least once with what they wear. I know my mother was shocked the first time she saw me in a wig, a dress and earrings.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 8:16 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    April. I would be careful about anything to do with Howard. Remember he did stalk me and go after me. He could be making up this whole, "Someone paid me to do it" story just to get at me.

    Duncan, you should really try to enjoy your volunteer time at the old folks home, it's a great way to expose yourself to more diversity and that's important. It's a great experience as well. You can put it on your college applications and it makes it look like you have a sense of community service. Besides, you never know if one of those old guys is going to take a liking to you and leave you something in their will.

    Anyway, Mom is still freaking out. She can't believe I said "butt" let alone burned her casserole. Dad was happy. It gave him the opportunity to run to the store to get a roast chicken and some couscouse. We had fruit for desert. Mom made me tell the story of my day again after dinner. Apes you should have seen her. She was sitting there staring at me with those scary speed freak eyes. I could see her arm flaps quivering as she built herself into a frenzy. She said, "Now tell me, you set the oven at 350º. Did you preheat? Why did you leave it in the oven so long?" I explained to her that I went to take a long hot shower where I really wished I had sandpaper to scrub my skin with. I got back to my room and realized I hadn't done laundry, so I put another work shirt on. Next thing you know I smelled this burning smell. It smelled like burnt ass, so I told mom I burnt the butt off her casserole. Dad was completely ticked off that I didn't call the cops on Howard sooner and that I just walked into the attacking. He says I have to call the cops. At the mention of the police, Mom got all hysterical again, and I was told not to mention this incident to you. I went to my room to talk to Shiimsa and she got on the phone with Connie. So, no I haven't called the cops yet and I don't even want to think about Anthony.

  • At 8:30 PM, Anonymous duncan said…

    I guess thats good advice, Liz, but if some oldie takes a liking to me hes gonna leave his $ to this Malcolm dude an' not to me.

    Apes, if u ever go 2 The Manors again, stay out of the pool. Its nasty. Trust me on this 1.

  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    well, becky & are r gonna have a couple of big guys that she & marjee know w/us when we go & see howard. no offense, howard, but i've gotta b on the safe side, u know?

    yeah, that 1 time in the pool was enuf 4 me, dunc!

  • At 9:26 PM, Blogger howard said…


    Your sister is right. You should never meet with an adult you have only met on the internet. Lawrence knows your parents, so I could probably have him give the wig and stuff to your dad to give to you, so it would still be a surprise to your mom. Is your dad cube enough to go along with that?

    As for your sister, I can totally understand why she wouldn’t trust me. On the one hand, I take a sort of actorly pride in having convinced her that my “attack” was real. On the other hand, it’s probably too soon for her to realize it was an obvious setup. Was it really a coincidence that Nick and Lawrence leave and put her alone at the front desk, with everyone else busy outside the building, just at the time when her ex-boyfriend arrives to foil an attack I make on her in a public place in the middle of the day? I’m sure she’s smart enough to figure it out.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:29 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    oops, howard, i was sending my last post @ the same time u were writing yrs. yeh, my dad is pretty cube about playing pranks on my mom. yr plan sounds good 2 me!


  • At 9:34 PM, Blogger howard said…


    OK, then. Expect a big box of my wildest stuff coming your way. Be sure to take pictures of your mom's face, when she sees you. I understand they like pictures on your fake blog.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 9:51 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    lol, howard, i rotflmao whenever i think about that other "blog". i still can't believe my mom falls 4 it! but ne-way, yeah, i'll get pix. it's gonna b so awesome! thanx again.

  • At 10:42 PM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    hey dunc if u don't wear grape lip gloss then y do u have shiny purple lips in ur yearbook photo?

    howard u r right liz may not be the shiniest star in the m-boro sky but as soon as she finishes worrying about the casserole she iz gonna put 2 an' 2 together about the "going after" an' realize that mike an' his homeys set her up.

    i wonder why mike wants liz 2 marry anthony so bad?


    p.s.--yeah apes whenever i look at ur fake blog i laugh so hard that "uncle bill" leans out the door of mom's bedroom an' throws a shoe at me an' tells me 2 b quiet. of course i don't listen cuz what's he gonna do? he can't come outta the bedroom cuz he's not wearing any clothes! that trick slays me.

  • At 1:12 AM, Blogger howard said…


    As you know, I was bit upset to find that the walrus moustache guy was not Elizabeth’s grandfather, but her ex-boyfriend. I confronted Lawrence about it, and he said that he told me to watch out for a guy who “looks like a grandfather with a walrus moustache” and not actually “a grandfather with a walrus moustache.” I asked Lawrence why his “friend” wanted Elizabeth and Anthony together and he did not know. Frankly, Lawrence and Nick think Elizabeth is going to be one of those never-married cat-ladies. I think this is because she talks about her cat and its “feline fashions” all the time at work. But, Lawrence said his “friend” had stuck by him during his toughest times, and he would do anything for his “friend.” That’s all I could find out.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 1:52 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    oh man that "friend" is totally mike. liz, r u pissed?

    thanx 4 the info howard. i m wondering if u know how ur aunt an' uncle r doing on their job trying 2 convince their neighbor 2 move home?


  • At 2:15 AM, Blogger howard said…


    I only talk to my aunt and uncle every so often, so my information won’t be current. Nevertheless, the last time I talked to them, their upstairs neighbor was still living there. I do have a funny story to tell. Apparently, they got their upstairs neighbor so upset from their pranks; he put tape down in the foyer and declared one side to be his and the other side to be my aunt and uncle’s. Well, my uncle gets up every morning and moves the tape just a little bit in their neighbors’ direction. So, when the neighbor comes by he says to his wife, “I think that tape’s been moved.” And then his wife says, “Well, you were the foob who put it down there. Move it back.” So, then the neighbor picks up the tape and moves it back. Every day this happens. My uncle and aunt think this is a scream.

    Howard Kelpfroth

  • At 2:20 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    sounds pretty funny 2 me 2. but then again i kinda hate mike an' dee.

    thanx again 4 the info!


  • At 7:25 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    howard, that tape trick sounds hilarious. i'll bet mike thinks it moves on its own, that wd be so mike! thanx 4 telling us what lawrence said.

    becks, i think i met that "uncle bill" guy. is he the one w/the gold tooth in front? i can so imagine him throwin' shoes @ U.



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