April's Real Blog

Monday, August 15, 2005

Don't Laugh, Arrest!

Latest text from Liz: "Howard speeds off. We have a big laugh b/c everyone here wanted to punch Howard." Sounds like good times, sis, but Howard is speeding off! What do U all think he's gonna do next, leave the country & change his ways? Some1 pls call the cops already!

I heard that Mike is obsessed with chess these days, but not very good at it. Not only did he get Duncan 2 play over & over again, but he's been stopping strangers & challenging them to a match. Weird.

Well, Aunt Bev is yelling, "Don't tell me you're glued to that blasted computer again", so I gotta run!



  • At 9:00 AM, Anonymous Liz said…

    I thought it was great that I'm the only person who had problems with Howard. Just because we were laughing doesn't mean that I'm not going to press charges. Then again I might not. I mean, shouldn't he have gotten the message? Don't mess with me or someone will beat you up. Not very realistic I know. I'm just traumatized right now.

    Mike plays chess because he thinks it will make him look smart. He's been playing it with Weed for awhile. The other night I called to talk to him and Dee told me he was "studying chess" over at Weeds.

  • At 9:08 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    pls press charges, liz!

    hey, mike, have u bought Chess For Dummies yet?

  • At 9:25 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    ok liz...which option do u think sounds most like ur mom?

    1: "i shuld make howard get arrested an' pay 4 his crimes. if i do'nt he might boob-grab anuther girl--or worse!"

    2: "howard has prolly learned his lesson. besides, it's wrong to make a fuss. an' no really bad people live in milboro anyway so i prolly just misunderstood what he was doing. prolly he was just going 2 give me a friendly hug."

    then u should pick the 1 ur mom would NOT do.

    that's my advice.

    signed, Dear Becky :P

  • At 9:31 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    it's true, liz. figure out wwed (what wd elly do) & do the opp.

  • At 9:33 AM, Anonymous becky mcguire said…

    our motto should be WWEND!

    What Would Elly Never Do--?!?

  • At 9:39 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    becks, when u get back we r so putting that on t-shirts & bumper stickers!

  • At 12:58 PM, Blogger Vicki Simone said…

    It was really cool that Anthony helped u Liz, even if what he was doin at the store was never explained, u know? Howard could still b psycho though, so the four of you should prolly quit standin' around bs-ing an' call the police. I know that's blunt, but he could b out tryin' 2 attack other girls.

    On a lighter note, me n' Marjee got tickets 2 see the Used in Mississauga on Sept. 13 at the Arrow, an' we picked up an extra one for u April if u wanna go. The Used are so hard-core n' cutting edge, so the show'll b totally cube!


  • At 1:07 PM, Anonymous Liz said…

    Man! Everyone is jumping to conclusions here. How do you know I haven't done something about Howard or the situation hasn't resolved itself?

    And as far as Anthony being at Lawrences'. It is a free country. People can come and go as they please and don't need excuses to be places. It's not like Anthony and I have been carrying on a secret affair since I've been back and he came by to pick me up for our usual nooner. Besides, he's my friend. What's wrong with a friend merely stopping by to say hi? Why is everyone so quick to judge?

    Ok I know the Mom factor comes in here, but sheesh, give me at least a little credit. But remember, "The heart wants what the heart wants."

  • At 1:52 PM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    vicki, i'd so love 2 go 2 that concert, but i just called & asked my mom & she said, "no, no, no, and no!" uch, she's so lame!

  • At 2:24 PM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Hi evrybody,

    A merry mirthful monday to my modem minglers!

    My summer-writing class is finshed and, as you can see, me wrting skills have incraesed dramatically. My instructor was amazing - even taking time out of her buzy schedule to tutor me nightly while hre husband was out-of-town on buziness. Thus explaning my abcess from the computer.

    I jsut wanted to touch base with all of you regarding a few points:
    Liz - I have vage recollections of the cinderalla story you posted a few days ago, but seem to recall Mom's hansel and gretel story better:

    See, there was this little boy named hansel and this little girl named gretel patterson. Gretel's mom told her that they had to be in by dinnertime, but Hansel - being the deceptive, manipulative male that he was - tricked gretel into staying out later she was supposed to. To top it off, hansel chased gretel into the deep, dark woods - no doubt for his devious male purposes - were they proptly got lost because hansel refused to stop and ask for directions. Gretel started crying becuase she missed her beautiful, loving, caring and compassionate mother, elly. Hansel and gretel wandered through the woods for a long time before they reached this house made of gingerbread. hansel started eating at the house because he was very hungry, but gretel's mom told her not to spoil her appetite and she knew that gingerbread would make her fat and unattractive and give her flappy arms. Soon an old woman came out wondering hwo was eating at her house and took pity on the two hungry children and invited them in. Hansel ran into the house like a wild animal. Gretel's mom told her not to talk to strangers but gretel's mom also taught her to give strangers the benefit of the doubt and to recognize the good in all people. Gretel was conflicted and entered the house hesistantly. The old woman fed and bathed the children and promptly sent them to bed.

    The next morning when the children awoke, the kind old woman had tunred into a wicked old witch. Hansel was frightened. "Don't eat me!" cried Hansel. "I'm so sorry for loading the dishwasher wrong!!" Gretel remembered what her mom told her about seeing the good in people and her fears dissispitated. She knew that the witch couldn't be SO evil that she'd eat them. Most of all, she knew she was a girl and a patterson and that nothing could happen to her. Seh calmly waited for someone to rescue her.

    Hansel, on the other hand, trembled like a leaf. "I'm so sorry for eating your house!" he cried. "I thought it was tofu!" "Shut up," cried the witch. "Becasue you don't listen to your mother and because you - like every man - are drivn by one thing, you will pay the ultimate penalty!" With that, the witch pulled out a sharp pair of scissors and cut off Hansel's evil, ugly man-stick.

    The witch then turned to Gretel. "You know why I had to do that, don't you honey?" Putting the scissors down she reached up and removed the witch's mask that covered her face. It was the old woman. "I had to teach both of you a lesson." She reached up again and removed the old woman mask, revealing the face of Gretel's mom, Elly Patterson. "You see, I'm not the wicked witch, Gretel." She turned and pointed at Hansel. "He is. The lesson is that men are evil, Gretel. And you must do all you can to remove that evil so they listen and respect you, Gretel."

    Just thought I'd share a very valuable lesson with all you readers.

    Secondly: I love a good game of chess. It's just like checkers because it's played on the same board. Except all the different pieces move in different directions. And just because you have a king doesn't mean you can say "King Me!" It took me awhile to figure that out.

    Thirdly, Dee told me about Merrie running around naked on the beach. I can only apologize. Sadly, I thought I raised my daughter better than that. I can only wonder: what has she been watching on TV or listening to on the radio to make her do such a shameful thing as stripping off all her clothes and running stark naked down the beach like a pole danser? Who has been in contact with her? Kortney? Becky McGuire? Why did Mira have to be there, forcing her wardrobe choices on my impressionable daughter? Why couldn't Dee be a better mother and watch Merrie closer?

    So, on behalf of my wife and myself, apologies for my daughter's shameful behavior. I only hope that we can nip this in the bud (pardon the pun) before something worse happens...

    Michael Patterson

  • At 6:54 PM, Anonymous Lovey S. said…

    Ah, Mike, don't worry about it, bubeleh! A naked three year old is bubkis.

    I'm fachadick over the whole uproar. Your M-I-L? What a meshugeneh!

    Zei Gesund,

  • At 7:54 PM, Anonymous Maxine Hebert said…

    Ah oui, la Deanna told moi about Michel's chess hobby, and how it is so tres difficult for him. There are theengs he can do. Par exemple, this video could be very helpful. Peut-etre he could start learning another game with more success.

    I only weesh I could meet a man as wonderful as Michel. My Monsieur Right has to enjoy Celine Dion's music and mayonnaise with the French fries as much as I do!

  • At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Maxine Hebert said…

    Je suis very sorry! There's an extra http:// in zat second link. Remove it and you'll be in the right place. HTML can be so very deeficult sometimes.

    I will have a second eclair parce que I am so embarrassed.

  • At 7:20 AM, Blogger April Patterson said…

    wow, mike, that story sure is scary! luckily she didn't tell me that 1, just the cinderella stuff. sounds like u got the "special" story cuz u r a boy.

    listen 2 lovey, mike. merrie being naked @ the beach is really no biggie.

  • At 11:13 AM, Anonymous Michael Patterson said…

    Hi Maxien,

    Fickle friendlies for my frentch-canadien friend!

    Thank you evr so much for the kind sgugestions! Dustin Diamond is probably one of the geratest actors to ever be on TV! Evryone thinks he's stupid becuase he played Screach on savedbythebell buyt he's really smart in real life.

    As for the game of candyland, mom won't let me play it anymore becuase I keep eating the peices.

    Apes - I was almost certian that mom told the hansel and gretel story to you to. Maybve that's why you were making out with Gerald after grad - becuase you don't know that men have only one thing on there minds: s-e-x.

    Hopefully, you'll rememvber that before it's too late and you end up like your friend Becky or my pole-dansing daughter, Merrie.

    Michael Patterson


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