Liz Says
Hey, peeps, Liz asked me to post this:
Apes out
My head was spinning this evening. I could hardly tell up from down. Lawrence had called to tell me he'd fired Howard and to remind me to file charges. File charges! With all this Anthony stuff, I almost forgot that I have to get the police involved. When Mom asked me what was going on, I thought we'd have a mother-daughter heart-to-heart. But instead, she kept looking over her shoulder while I was talking. And when I was done, she skulked away and flopped into the easy chair. So I came up here to "talk" to all of you. I can hear Dad downstairs asking Mom if anything happened today. Why am I feeling she's making this all about her?Poor Liz. I'll bet she wishes she'd stayed up in Mtighoohoohaha. Steve's mom gave me some pamphlets to pass on to Liz, about getting some counseling to deal with all this stuff she's going through. I guess we're lucky we know some ppl in this world other than our mom.
Apes out
posted by April Patterson @ 7:53 AM
37 Comments:
At 10:43 AM,
Anonymous said…
Bite your tongue, April! Bit it so hard it bleeds and doesn't say dirty words when your doing laundry with the carrier strapped on and the baby can hear the filth that's flying from your mouth like sewage out of a firehose. Your mother is a saint.
Yes, that's right, a saint. And not one of those weird Catholic saints that starved themselves to death on top of a pole or grew a beard to avoid men or cut themselves daily; I'm talking about a true saint, the type that gives up body and soul to those she loves, regardless of how many hours she had to spend scrubbing out the burnt sides of the casserole dish and never smells like gallouises and perfume but always has a friendly aroma of vanilla lattes, cinnamon, and wet dog.
Like how Elizabeth smelled that Valentine's when we went to the Wine and Dine (I still laugh at the way you called it the "Whine and Dine" when I got the bill). Remember, Elizabeth? The fun we had sending back three appetizers and only getting charged for one entree because I complained to the manager? And then making out in the car even though it was freezing? I can still hear your passionate exclaimation when I stuck my hand in your blouse (I guess my fingers were kinda cold) . Good times. I sit in the basement and count sharp edges (There are sixteen in the basement alone! Twenty-nine in the kitchen, btw) and think about us all the time. All the time.
You will wait for me, right?
At 10:54 AM,
Anonymous said…
Salopard! When I get home from mon travaille today, Anthony, you vill sit in the naughty chaire et think about vat you have done!
At 10:55 AM,
April Patterson said…
yeah, anth, my ma the saint, whatev. liz, after u file yr police report, don't 4get 2 buy yr bus ticket back 2 Mtigblahblah
At 11:03 AM,
Anonymous said…
I think I'm going to change my name too. Too many stalkers after me these days.
Anthony. That all happened when we were kids. I know you think you are in love with me because you associate me with the carefree bliss of youth, but having me in your life and Therese out isn't going to make things better. You never have really commited yourself to your wife and your marriage and in that lies your problem. Try to enjoy what you have now and quit living in the past!
So what happens if you and I end up having the relationship you wish we had? What happens when you become unhappy? Do you start longing for Therese and start trying to win her back?
Thirdly, I am not my mother. Sounds like you are in love with Elly Patterson. You really need help!
At 11:23 AM,
Anonymous said…
Gre3tings!!!!!!!!!~~~ MY N4mE SI JASON FOX0R~ i not1cEd tT ypou zre knd of as coimputer geek like me, so i thoUght i'd come hare and te7l u thta there is a gUuy on one of teh sitez 1 frequent callin hi/\/\se;lf 'teh C' and heS been bRagging tHat you wEnt ro4dside with h1m wh1le yor s1ster waz driving u guyz arounnd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~
At 11:26 AM,
April Patterson said…
omigod, jason, i'm gonna have to kill gerald! thanx 4 warning me!
At 11:35 AM,
Anonymous said…
Let me know if you want THE NOOGIE AVENGER to make an appearance at this Gerald-guy's house, April. The reputation of any Patterson woman is worth fighting for!
At 11:42 AM,
Anonymous said…
no offense liz, but i m getting kind of bored with how APRIL'S blog has suddenly turned into the "days of liz's life." i mean come on i don't come here to read anthony's million mile long posts about his boring ass life. an' liz, even tho i think u r a cool member on this blog, u know u r going 2 end up marrying anthony, so y do u pretend u r not? my eyes r rolling so hard over here that i think they're gonna get stuck that way.
mayb the best thing 2 do would be 2 give anthony a word limit.
sorry i kno u all r prolly pissed at me now, but i come here 2 read about news of band mates an' hott guyz apes is chasing. not about the woes of mr. mom. i don't care if he still loves liz. he is old an' gross an' this blog is for teenagers an' cool 20 somethings. not senior citizens with baby strollers.
lylas apes. sorry 2 bring more drama 2 ur board.
beckster
At 12:00 PM,
Anonymous said…
becky mCquiRe... YUO 4RE A BIG 0PIC ON TEH MESSAGE BO4RDS "THE C" POSTS AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~ hes been t3lling all the GuYs that u and he and somew guy named dunc ahve been goin roqadside togethr for Motnhs and that pril doesn'tr even know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~~~~~~~ says hews realkly studl yanD nkiows how to 'or/\/\aa|\|cde al7 the xhiX0rs'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1~ OLOLOLOLLOOL~
At 12:31 PM,
howard said…
April,
I was doing some internet searching for reviews of my performance as Mabel in the Milborough Gay Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Light Opera Company’s production of the Pirates of Penzance, when I came across your blog. I am the Howard that …”attacked”… your sister Elizabeth Patterson, and I just wanted you to know that she is not in any danger from me and will probably never see me again. My boss Lawrence has changed my hours at Lakeshore Landscaping to nights and weekends until your sister goes back to school. Plus, your sister doesn’t strike me as the type to see Gilbert and Sullivan. I can only say as my part of the … “attack”… that I was pleased to see that it had the desired effect of reconciling your sister with her grandfather.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:25 PM,
Anne said…
Yes Liz, don't lose ur backbone! U'r better off goin back 2 Mtigookobupawooki so u can get away from the craziness here.
Sorry Anthony, but ur fancy language can't hide how u'r livin in the past an' blowin off ur wife an' kid.
At 2:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
don't worry, becks, i'll still keep u posted on boyz & stuff. btw, steve's an awesome guitar player. we did some duet stuff & it was so much fun!
howard, r u saying anthony paid u 2 stalk & attack liz? anthony?
At 3:37 PM,
Anonymous said…
April. My name is Jeremy, but I don't want you to, like associate me with that other Jeremy you know.
I visit the same site Jason and Chip do. A lot of strip boys do, it's just a thing for us.
Anyway. The C's post got me curious about you so I read up. We have a lot in common! I play the guitar too! I wish we could get together sometime and trade tips. Oh and don't worry about me trying to hit on you or anything I have a girlfriend who I like really adore. Her name is Sara and she's pretty cool to hang with.
I just want to warn you to watch out for Chip. He's in love with a new girl every week.
At 3:49 PM,
Anonymous said…
You should consider yourself so lucky that you have a man pining for you, Elizabeth. Irving dragged his feet for 28+ years before we tied the knot. Anyway, I should wrap this little message up. I've got a meeting to go to and a swimsuit to buy for my upcoming Jamaican holiday. Aaaaack!!!
At 4:52 PM,
April Patterson said…
hey, jeremy, i've heard about u a little bit. u seem kewl. I heard u have a big brother every1 considers perfect. i know something about what that's like!
cathy, i'm sorry about the bad diet advice my mom gave u when u visited milborough that time.
At 6:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
jason get a clue. dunc is a gay transvestite. that's y he wears grape lip gloss. duh! we r not roadside. y would i go roadside with a guy an' then get him arrested if we were still doing it? u r dumb.
just ask howard. he an' dunc were going out last year for awhile i think.
p.s. totally sounds like ancient anthony hired howard 2 attack liz 4 his own personal desires. i bet even this does not stop liz frum marrying him. anyone wanna bet me $20?
beckster
At 6:32 PM,
April Patterson said…
becks, i hope u r wrong about liz & anthony, but i h8 2 admit i'd b afraid 2 take that bet.
liz says mom seemed more upset about liz burning mom's casserole than she was about NE of the other stuff liz told her about. hey, liz, was mom making this recipe again? if so, it's a good thing u burned it.
At 6:42 PM,
howard said…
April,
I am not sure who this Anthony is. A few weeks ago, Lawrence and Nick called me into their office and asked if I would be willing to take on a special acting job for a “friend” of theirs. They had seen me play Musetta in La Boheme with the GLBTG Light Opera Company and thought I could handle it. They said I had a good menacing look, which is true when I don’t have on my makeup, wig and dress. I don’t know who the “friend” was, but it might have been your grandfather, if Anthony is his name.
I hope that answers your question,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 6:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
apes i bet there is not 1 person in all of m-boro who would take that bet. the elly patterson genes run too strong in ur sister. sorry liz. ur cube in some ways but u still act 2 much like ur mom 2 ever be able 2 resist a guy who sez he wants 2 marry u.
i bet lawrence an' nick got the money 2 pay howard frum gordo. wasn't he trying 2 fix u up with anthony again a couple weeks ago, liz? i think it's a vast conspiracy 2 get anthony and liz back 2gether.
i figured the casserole she wuz talking about wuz ur mom's seafood surprise an' that liz really burnt it on purpose. mayb she will tell us, if i haven't made her 2 mad.
beckster
At 7:21 PM,
Anonymous said…
Greetings Becky! It's me again. Jason Fox. I am sorry. Not everyone can read Hacker. Only the 733T. I'll translate back into plain English
You seem to be as touchy as my sister Paige. I was just letting you know that someone calling himself The C claimed he'd gone roadside with Pril and both Duncan and himself had gone roadside with you. I don't even know what roadside is. I have Paige to pester. I wouldn't go harassing a random stranger.
Jeremy Duncan if you're out there, learn h0w top roperly put your name in t3h text bboX0r wlil yoou!???!?!?!????!?? lollool~~~ you drok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
At 7:28 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
By the way, my boyfriend’s name is not “dunc.” It’s Ross from work.
Anyway, I don’t know a “gordo” either. Whoever the “friend” was, he or she was very concerned that Elizabeth’s family be aware of my “mind-boggling, momentous, maniacal, menacing mayhem (their friend’s words).” After several days of making suggestive comments to her at work and parking my car outside her house, Lawrence and Nick told me that their “friend” was unhappy because Elizabeth had not mentioned me to her family. They asked me to step things up. I pretended to race her as we left work one day, so she would know what my car looked like. In retrospect, I wish picked a different way because I chewed up my transmission and ground 200 kilometres off my tires. However, it seemed to work, because the next time I parked outside her house, a guy came down to write down my licence number. The next day, Lawrence told me his “friend” was very pleased and that the “attack” was going to occur that day.
I hope this helps,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:35 PM,
Anonymous said…
jason i read leet just fine. u sed some guy sed dunc an' i went roadside. an' i'm saying it's not true. i still hate u tho for spreading more dumb roadside rumers about me. i don't need that kind of crap in my life. i got enuff drama as it is.
btw, roadside means sex stuff.
howard i m not surprised u didn't meet gordo. i think he is the secret source of the money nick an' lawrence paid u tho. thanx for coming here 2 tell us the truth.
becks
At 7:53 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
You’re quite welcome. Although I got a paid a little money for my “attack,” the real payment was helping to bring a granddaughter and grandfather back together. By the way, does this “gordo” like to use alliteration? I know that Lawrence and Nick’s “friend” did.
Howard Kelpfroth
At 7:56 PM,
Anonymous said…
Wow Becky! My face is red! I didn't know it was sex or anything! I thought it meant you were bad at math or something like that.~~~~~My brother would know more about that kind of teenage slang, and Paige can't read 7eet so I just assumed. ~~~~~You are a cool girl though. Maybe we can play Warquest together some time! Wow it's a good thing I didn't offer to help you with your roadside problem.
If you waNt i can ahX0r into the mesage board and make the c leave nasty vcoinfesisonz abOut h1mself~~~~ how aboyut i say: 'i zam teh c a|\|d i can"t add 2+2 and i domnt know waht Polynominalz 4re and my cubes r totAl;Ly foob and i lei about all th3 babze wHo gO raodsidfe becuz m'i a patehtic marth gflU|\|kee.
At 8:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
No worries, April. The problem is that when I have one latte or one slice of meatloaf, I have to have 10 more. My food options are limited because I have stubs for fingers and can't hold utensils well. And not having a nose limits my sense of taste and smell.
Irving told me I had to chill on the lattes since I'm hyper and shrill enough as is. :( At least Electra always understands me!
At 8:39 PM,
April Patterson said…
howard, alliterations, huh? that sounds a lot like our brother mike. mike what r u doing?!?!
we have 2 grandpas, jim and will. anthony is liz's ex. he's only 24, like liz, but he's been looking older.
At 8:46 PM,
Anonymous said…
yeah howard u got totally fooled. the alliteration guy was trying to get liz to start going out with her married ex-boyfriend again. the boyfriend just looks super old. an' yeah, i think the alliteration man is liz's brother mike. his pal gordo prolly gave him the money tho cuz mike doesn't have any of his own.
jason u know u sound like a real nice an' cute guy. maybe we could get together sometime after school starts an' do our math homework. what grade r u in?
btw, just 2 be clear, i do not go roadside. all i did was go 2 first one time with a senior named jeffo an' everyone assumes now that i'm a total gig. (that means slut) but it's not fair cuz i never did anything bad.
cathy im real sorry to hear about your birth defects. don't worry our friend shannon has some special problems 2 an' we like her just the same anyhow so u r welcome here.
peace out, becks
At 9:06 PM,
howard said…
April and Becky,
24?!! Married ex-boyfriend?!! Are you sure? He has an old geezer walrus moustache. Plus, when we were “fighting” he was using Grandpa Fu (tweaking) on my ear and it took all my dramatic training to keep a straight face and say, “Ow.” I suppose it is possible, after all my uncle looks a lot older than my aunt, when she is actually older than he is. I am disappointed that he was not Elizabeth’s grandfather, though.
Feeling foobish,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 9:57 PM,
Anonymous said…
yes howard the guy with the walrus mustash is only 24. krazy huh? it blows my mind 2. don't feel bad about getting tricked. he looks an' acts like he's 84 an' he's fooled people who have known him his whole life even. one time i wuz in the grocery store with my mom an' she doesn't know anthony. he wuz with his baby, an' mom said, "isn't that nice, he's spending all this time with his great-granddaughter." when i told her he just graduated our school like 6 years ago, mom flipped. an' she wasn't even high on anything that day.
becks
At 11:46 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I know just how your mother felt. By the by, does Elizabeth’s brother or this gordo guy have any friends on the Milborough police force? When I asked Lawrence and Nick whether or not I would get into trouble for “stalking” Elizabeth, they said not to worry. Their “friend” knew someone in the police force who would “handle” any complaints filed against me. I am getting nervous, since I was so easily taken in. My uncle and aunt play practical jokes on me all the time. I am told I am quite the gullible goose.
Howard Kelpfroth
At 12:14 AM,
Anonymous said…
yes mike lawrence an' gordo went 2 school with some cop named brad luggsworth or something. they weren't friends in school but they are now an' gordo prolly gave him some money 2 keep it all on the down-low. gordo is loaded so he can do anything he wants 2 in m-boro an' nobody stops him. just ask his wife tracey.
don't worry about being gullible i get made fun of all the time. people think i'm dumb cuz i'm blonde. sometimes i act kinda dumb but everyone has dayz like that, you know? so don't feel bad u r not the only one who gets fooled.
hey u know i think mike is your aunt an' uncle's neighbor. you might of heard of him cuz your relatives an' he have a huge fight going on an' mike published that big expose on them in the "m-boro shop an' saver" last month. it's kinda funny u got hired 4 this job cuz i can't believe mike would ever trust a kelpfroth. oh well he prolly didn't know u were 1.
becks
At 12:23 PM,
howard said…
Becky,
I am glad to hear that Lawrence and Nick's "friend" has a connection in the police. That makes me feel better. I don't know Mike, so I cannot say if he is one of my uncle and aunt's neighbors or not. I do know that my uncle and aunt have a side job involving one of their neighbors. Shortly after they moved into their new apartment, a lady came by and hired them to try and drive their upstairs neighbor out. Something about how they should be living in their "ancestral home," whatever that means. Thanks for all your help, Becky. You are obviously not dumb.
Toodles,
Howard Kelpfroth
At 12:47 PM,
April Patterson said…
woah, howard. by any chance did yr aunt & uncle say NEthing abt that lady having a her hair in a bun? mayB carrying a cup of latte around w/her & making a pt of saying it's made w/skim milk?
At 1:10 PM,
howard said…
April,
I don't remember my aunt and uncle giving a physical or beverage description of the lady. I do know that when they asked the lady exactly what things she wanted them to do, she said, "Those who get up at sunrise have many ideas dawn on them."
Does that help?
Howard Kelpfroth
At 2:58 PM,
April Patterson said…
yes, howard, that helps a lot. mike, if u r reading this, it soundz like mom is paying the kelpfroths to drive out u & dee so u'll buy mon & dad's house. i guess it servs u rite if u're the 1 who set up liz's attack.
At 10:53 PM,
Anonymous said…
omg. apes, your family is full of freaks. can't they ever confront a problem head-on? why do they always have to hire a kelpfroth to do their dirty work?
couldn't mike just say, "hey lizardbreath, you're getting kinda old an' i'm afraid that anthony is the best you can do in the husband department. you're starting to look a little like mom in the assular region."
and your mom could say, "mikey-poo, it would make me very-wary happy to have my snoogums and his two little bunny-baby-bears living at our house! and your frigid wife with the big lips can come too."
??? i don't get ur family. when someone in my house wants 2 tell u something, they throw something fragile at your head, then scream it at the top of their lungs, and then storm out of the house, slam the door, an' peel out of the driveway leaving an inch of rubber on the concrete. it's hell on our possessions but at least we get the message.
becks
At 10:58 AM,
April Patterson said…
i don't know why my family is so creepily indirect & sneaky like that. v. freaky.
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